The Twelve Tasks of Mayuri Kurotsuchi
by Glockenspiel
Summary: Judgement day has come for Mayuri. To get into the General's good graces he must complete 12 tasks, created by none other than the Shinigami Women's Association!So what does he do, he clones himself!IchiRuki.MayXOC.ShunNan.LAST CHAP UP. FINAL FIASCO.
1. Happy Pills

**YAY and YOP. I don't own Bleach. I wish I did though...it is filled with manly men...**

**This is an ichiruki story, it is also a Byakuya and Hisana story. It also has other pairings which will include ShunsuiXNanao, IshidaXOrihime, ZarakiXUnohana and HitsuXHina. The way this story works is that the relationships come in phases( ichigo and rukia being first) and other parings may be introduced but will have their own phase later. I am not really sure if that made sense. **

**Ichigo and Rukia don't appear for the first 3 or so chapters. Also if you want to look for something in particular just read the chapter headings cause they basically sum the chapters up. **

**If you're looking for instant Nanao and Shunsui fluff then go to chapters 38 to 45...because thats all about them.**

**This is my first fic so please be kind. The first chapters are silliness but for seriousness you should look at the later chapters. For comedy you should check out the 'Side effects' chapter.**

**Please bear with the first bunch of chapters...the story gets better as it goes on methinks...**

**Happy reading. YAY! Have fun!**

* * *

The Twelve Tasks of Mayuri Kurotsuchi

PART 1- YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY BOY MAYURI

Chapter 1

The day was hot. The sun was shining. The room was stuffy.

Mayuri gulped.

The general commander spoke.

----

Over in the shinigami women's association block, Nanao Ise was working her fellow soul reapers hard. Even Matsumoto, having consumed copious amounts of alcohol was concentrating.

The sound of pens against paper was all that could be heard.

Today was a very important day.

----

'Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi of the twelfth division of the thirteen protection squads, it has come under our attention that your character and general being is in need of serious review.'

----

_12__th__ headquarters _

_24 hours ago_

'NEMU!' Mayuri screeched.

'Yes, Mayuri-sama?' came the quiet reply.

'What the hell is this?!' he sputtered, shaking the letter he had just received like a crazy man.

'General Yamamoto has called a meeting to discuss your position as a captain and member of the thirteen protection squads,' Nemu replied.

Mayuri slapped her; Nemu flew across the room and into a wall.

Mayuri shook his hand in disgust.

'Dang, why did I make your bones so damned hard?'

----

_Women's association _

_12 hours ago_

'Order, order!'

The chatter carried on.

Anger marks appeared on her forehead.

She slammed her book on the table. It made a satisfying thudding sound.

The chatter stopped.

'I am now calling the shinigami women's association to order. Let's begin.' Nanao said. 'Does anyone have anything to say?'

'Matsumoto was sick on the floor again,' Yachiru piped up.

Nanao sighed. She felt like she was dealing with pre school kids, albeit Pre School kids who drank alcohol.

'We'll get some guy to clean that later,' Nanao said.

'There is no need for there already many here who are of the male persuasion,' Nemu said.

'WHAT?' Nanao shouted with rage. How could there be men? Men ruined things. They wanted to drink lots and get into people's pants.

_Damn, _she thought,_ the only guy I really know is captain Shunsui._

'Why are there men present?' she said, restraining her anger.

'Well, we don't have a men's club so we thought we'd crash here,' Renji said.

Kira, Ikakku, Iba and Hisagi all violently nodded. The guys suddenly all looked at Yumichika who blended in amongst the women.

'Hey don't look at me, Yachiru didn't say where we were going she dragged me,' Yumichika protested under his fellow shinigami's death glares.

Nanao said 'Yeah but it's okay for him because he is gay and womanly,'

'She got that right,' Ikakku thought.

Similar thoughts went through everybody's heads.

'I am not GAY,' Yumichika said indignantly, 'I merely possess a certain beauty around me,'

'Saying you are beautiful just proves you are a gay,' Renji said. The others nodded in agreement.

Except for Yachiru.

'Wait, I thought Renji was gay with the berry man, so he should be let in too,' she said.

This was contemplated for a moment.

'She has a point,' someone said.

Renji's eyebrow twitched, which was scary because they were tattooed on and it didn't look right.

'Who said that?' Renji said, drawing Zabimaru.

The others restrained him, while people cat called and whistled.

'Yeah but Kira is like an emo, that's just like being womanly, he puts damned eyeliner on.' Renji blurted out, not understanding the delicate feelings behind putting eyeliner on even when you were a man.

Kira promptly burst into tears. 'What does it matter to you how I express my angst feelings,'

'ORDER, damn you, ORDER!' Nanao shouted.

'To get things moving I now hereby announce the acceptance of Renji Abarai and Yumichika Ayasegawa into the women's association.' Nanao said,

There was silence. 'Why doesn't Kira have to join?' another anonymous person said.

'Well he might start self harming, and anyways he had creepy ol' Gin as a captain,'

There were more nods in agreement.

There was muffled grunting, but that was coming from Renji, who had been tied up and gagged with someone's sandal and sock.

'Good, now I believe we have something important to discuss. The general came to see me yesterday with a very special task, tomorrow, everybody, is Captain Mayuri's academic review day.'

Gasp

----

_Present day_

_Boardroom _

'Mayuri we have recorded your progress since you became captain and although your inventions are credible your behavior hasn't,'

The other captains smirked at him, except for Komamura who could not make very good facial expressions him being a big ass fox and all.

The general continued;

'Your treatment towards your subordinates and colleagues has been disrespectful and childish, even your voice makes me wanna slap… I mean… whack you.'

The smirks turned to frowns, the general normally didn't talk like this.

'General, are you okay?' Byakuya asked.

'I am feeling fine,' the general dismissed the question.

'In order to make me happy again you must complete various tasks to show that you are a compassionate man-' the general frowned, looking the clown up and down,'-thing,'

'Only then will I think about dismissing these crimes against shinigami.'

'If I refuse?' Mayuri asked.

'Heh, heh, if you refuse I will have exiled, I haven't exiled anyone in quite a long time, so don't break the record now, May-kun'

Okay now something was wrong, Byakuya thought. Is he on meds?

----

_Boardroom antechamber_

Lieutenant Chojiro pulled the medicine bottle out of his robes. He popped the lid and tilted the small container.

Nothing happened.

He peered into the small opening. The bottle was empty. Dang, he thought, I could have sworn there were some in there this morning.

A dark thought passed his mind. No it couldn't be…

He checked the other medicine bottle in his robe. It was full. His eyes popped when he saw the label.

_PRESCRIPTION__ FOR GENERAL YAMAMOTO_

_TAKE TWO DAILY _

_SHOULD RELIVE ALL CONSTIPATION SYMPTOMS IMMEDIATELY_

Oh shit, he thought, I just gave the general my happy pills.

----

**Please bear with my bad humour. Nyeh Nyeh. and check out my good friend's story, it is by someone called RAWRified**

**Please leave a review or just read on. Heck, i dont care, just be nice.**


	2. Task Day

Chapter 2

_Shinigami Women's association_

_12 hours ago_

For once there was silence.

For once everyone was listening.

'The general has asked to create some tasks for Captain Mayuri to follow. If he does not follow them he will be dismissed from the 13 protection squads.

'Lets make them impossible,' Renji suggested.

There was a murmur of consent.

'That guy gives me the willies,' Matsumoto said, 'I don't think we should make them impossible, I think we should make them life threatening,'

People cheered at this.

'I think that we should make them easy,' Nemu said quietly.

'Err……' Nanao did not know how to respond.

'Umm, I don't think that's in everybody best interest,' she said.

'I've got it,' Hinamori said.

'The first task should be to be nice to Nemu, all the time,' she suggested.

'That's a good un',' Captain Shunsui said

People fell over in the background and dark lines appeared over Nanao's face.

'Taichou, heh, where did you come from?' she asked. 'Aren't you meant to be in a meeting?'

'Err yes well… they didn't really need me…. So I just went and left…heh…heh' Shunsui faltered under the glare form his lieutenant.

Before Nanao could say anything more, Matsumoto jumped in saying

'The second task is to make Ichigo and Rukia fall in love!'

The guys burst out laughing but Matsumoto through her sake bottle at them.

All around the room the women agreed that this was indeed a good task.

Renji broke free and shouted:

'What the hell, you can't make Rukia fall in love with that idiot!'

'Err, why do you even care? You're a homo,' Matsumoto said.

'For chrissakes! I am not a gay, I like girls!' Renji exploded, going red in the face.

Nanao had just about had enough with these troublesome men and their questionable sexual orientation.

She threw her book at him. Renji fell to the floor in a heap.

Yachiru poked him.

'Is he going to be ok?' she asked.

'That's one hell of a book,' Iba whispered to the Captain of the eighth division.

'Yeah, don't I know it,' He replied, rubbing his head where that book had hit him one too many times.

'Right people, we have the remainder of today and the first part of tomorrow to create 12 tasks of our choice, the first two are be nice to Nemu and make Ichigo and Rukia fall express themsleves, anyone got a problem with that?'

The rest of the crowd looked at the crumpled Renji and swallowed.

'There is no problem madam president,'

'Good, Good,' was the reply.

----

_Present day_

_Boardroom_

Things were getting out of hand.

The happy pills were taking their full effect.

The general was swaying with a dopey smile on his face.

He was oblivious to the world, too interested in the swirling colours in his head.

Mayuri looked hopeful,

'Does this mean I am off the hook?' he asked.

'No, he made the order yesterday so it still counts,' Ukitake said.

'Dang,' Mayuri said.

'So what are the tasks?' he asked.

'We don't know, apparently the general hired professionals to create the tasks, they are meant to arrive in a few minutes,' Soifon explained.

'I hope they make them impossible,' Shunsui whispered to Ukitake.

'I think they should make them life threatening,' Toshiro said.

'Well I think they should make them easy,' Mayuri said, hearing the whispers with his supersonic ears.

'Nobody asked you, scum bag,' Komamura snapped.

'Well sor-ry,' Mayuri drawled.

----

_Present day_

_Women's shinigami association block_

'Madame President, we have finished the tasks,' Nemu said quietly.

'Excellent, I will deliver them myself,' Nanao said, not bothering to actually read them.

Nemu handed her a heavy scroll.

Nanao flash stepped her way to the executive boardroom.

What she saw in there changed shocked her beyond belief.

The general was swaying form side to side, softly singing hippy tracks from the 60s.

Byakuya was frowning in a corner.

Komamura was scratching his ear with a hind paw.

Shunsui and Ukitake were lounging and drinking sake.

Kenpachi was doodling on the wall with his zanpaktou.

Toshiro and Unohana were eating watermelon.

Mayuri was cleaning his ear, which was kinda gross because he had to pull it out and he was dripping green liquid.

'It's a nightmare, just a nightmare, a very real nightmare,' Nanao thought to herself. 'They were Captains, the most elite of the elite,' Nanao thought to herself.

She cleared her throat.

No one listened. Anger marks. 'Nobody ever listens to me the first time,' she thought irritably.

Lieutenant Chojiro entered from ante chamber door. He cleared his throat.

The captains stopped doing whatever they were doing.

'What is it?' Byakuya asked. Then, 'Do you know what is wrong with the general?'

Nanao sweat dropped in the background. Why the hell didn't they listen to me, she thought to herself.

'The general took the wrong medication this morning,' Chojiro said.

'The general has irritable bowl syndrome, he needs the meds to move the waste in his digestive tract-' Chojiro was interrupted.

'That was too much information,' Byakuya said, dismissing bad thoughts about the general trying to move his waste.

'I don't have time to deal with this stupidness,' Soifon complained.

'Unohana Taichou , can you do something about him,' she asked.

Unohana's pretty face frowned for a moment. Zeraki turned away, his face flushed.

'Well it seems that we will just have to wait it out, it might be dangerous to try and counteract these meds with other ones.' She said carefully.

'Unohana you are outdated, your methods old, I suggest we place a shunt in the generals anus and flush out his system this of course is much better than your-' Mayuri didn't get to finish his sentence because Kenpachi had stopped doodling and whacked Mayuri with his sword.

Nanao, clearly the diplomat, thought that this was good moment to interrupt.

Before Mayuri could gas or maim anyone, Nanao said 'Umm, captains, I have the list of tasks for Captain Mayuri,'

They finally noticed her.

'Ahh, Nanao-chan what are you doing hiding by the door? You should have come out already?' her captain said, slightly drunk.

_I sense a drunk in the room, shall I annihilate it? _Her sword said to her.

'Err no, thank you, that's not such a good idea,' Nanao replied. Unfortunately that drunk was about 10 times more powerful that her otherwise she would have gone for him.

Nanao couldn't stand this room, with no rules and drunks. She had to get out.

'If you would excuse me, sirs,' She handed the scroll to her Captain and left the room.

'I think you should lay off the sake,' Ukitake said, watching her leave.

Shunsui grunted. 'Yeah, yeah… whatever.'

Byakuya picked up the scroll only to have it snatched away by Mayuri.

The other Captains crowded around the clown who had reattached his ear and began to read.

Byakuya sighed and decided he didn't want anything more to do with this childishness, he left the room also.

'It's a good thing he left,' Shunsui said. 'I don't think he would like the look of task number 6,'

There was general agreement.

'I think the first one is the best,' Toshiro said.

'That's only cuz Hinamori suggested it,' Shunsui remarked.

More agreement.

'Is not…' Toshiro blushed and left the room with a dark cloud over his head.

'Yeah but what about the second one, that one looks impossible,' Soifon said.

Mayuri screeched what kind of wacko made these up! They must have been crazier than me, he thought to himself.

He wasn't a damned matchmaker at least three of the tasks were make people express their feelings. Mayuri wasn't even sure what emotions were. Damn he needed a dictionary.

'Mayuri, cover up number 9, Zeraki won't like it,' Ukitake said.

'I didn't think that brute could read,' Soifon said.

'Brute is a harsh word,' Unohana said, subtly pressing a pressure point on Soifon's back.

'Yeah, soz, my bad,' Soifon croaked, falling on the gunge covered floor.

Zeraki in fact couldn't read, but wasn't too interested in what the tasks were.

He nudged the still Soifon with his foot.

'Is she gonna be okay?' He asked. 'That green slime looks corrosive'

'She'll be fine,' Unohana said. 'I am sorry but I must leave now, I have an important meeting.'

She left, with Zeraki leaving shortly afterward.

A couple of minutes later Komamura left too, saying that he had a manicure and pedicure session he had to attend.

'Well, _May-kun, _looks like you're gonna have lots of fun over the next few weeks,' Shunsui said, 'but alas I must take my leave for I have a drinking date with Matsumoto.'

The other captains soon left leaving Mayuri with a slightly charred Soifon and a drooling Commander General.

'What the hell am I going to do?' he said to himself, 'I must clone myself, hmm …yes… that's a good idea, if there are more of me than I will have to do less myself, BAWHAHHA- argh-cough-cough,' His laughing was interrupted by a bout of coughing caused by the acrid fumes of Soifon in the acid.

'Dang, I need to tone down on the acid.'

End of chapter 2

----

**We used to have academic review day in my old school. We had to go into school for about ten minutes and talk about how we would better ourselves. Such a waste of time.**


	3. Repent

Chapter 3

_12__th__ division headquarters_

Mayuri paced the lab.

They would be complete soon. Very soon.

He glanced back at the tasks he had to complete, and smiled, it turned out really creepy.

The scroll reads as follows:

_THE TWELVE TASKS OF MAYURI KUROTSUCHI_

_RULES:_

_Task number 1 must be carried out always, wherever you are._

_You cannot ask for help on any of the tasks but advice may be given by others if done so voluntarily (Ur gonna need helluva lot of help with task four buddy,heh,heh)_

_Do not harm anyone or anything during the completion of the tasks_

_Failure to complete these tasks means expulsion and exile from the 13 Protection squads_

_**Tasks**_

_**1. Be nice to Nemu**_

_**2. Get Ichigo and Rukia to express their feelings **_

_**3. Save someone's life -**_

The main computer console beeped and lights flashed overhead, interrupting Mayuri's reading.

'Mayuri-sama, they are complete,' Nemu said.

'Well, just don't stand there like a bloody lemon, get them out I want to see them,' Mayuri snapped.

The other technicians looked up, they were all thinking it but none of them had the guts to say it.

The scroll turned bright red and emitted a high pitched screeching.

'What the fu-,' Mayuri was cut off by a loud booming sound. It was coming form the scroll.

'**I AM THE SCROLL. You are in violation of the scroll. REPENT! REPENT!**

'What if I don't want to,' Mayuri said, being difficult.

'**THEN YOU SHALL PAY, ASSHOLE!' **The scroll promptly zapped Mayuri with thunder and he went smashing into a wall.

The booming voice went away and the scroll returned to normal colour.

'Mayuri-sama are you okay?' Nemu asked, cautiously.

'Call me Mayuri,' he replied and fainted.

----

_The next day_

_12__th__ division headquarters_

'Mayuri, the subjects are ready to be unveiled,' Nemu said proudly.

'Well done, Nemu-chan,' Mayuri replied in his sweetest voice, which came across as slightly pervy.

'Damn,' he thought to himself, 'how long do I have to keep this up?'

The two scientists looked at the large cylindrical tank. Nemu waved her hand. The technician nodded and pressed a few buttons on the console.

Liquid drained out of the tank, revealing the thing inside.

And the thing was (cue drumroll)… a very naked cloned Mayuri.

His lean body was free from scars and he had messy blue hair and gold pupils.

'Yes, yes, this is good, wake him up,' Mayuri ordered.

An electrical impulse was directed at the clone. His body jerked and twitched unnaturally. The clone looked up. Life flickered in its eyes.

A technician holding a clipboard handed him shinigami robes and asked him

'Who are you?'

'I am Mayuri Kurotsuchi, you slacker, get out of my sight, I am your Captain!' the clone shouted back. He swotted the technician away and wore the clothes.

'Sir, its cognitive functions and memory are fully operational, the clone is a success,' another technician said after reading a computer printout.

'Yes, I know it is, do you take me for a fool, you are nothing but an underling, my subordinate! ' the clone said to the technician.

'Umm, I wasn't ...err really, talking to you, sir,' the technician mumbled, looking down at his feet.

The clone looked at its real self. And smiled.

'I must congratulate you on your success, Mayuri,' the clone said to its real self.

'I know, I can hardly believe it myself,' the real Mayuri said.

'This calls for celebration,' he turned to Nemu as if he only just realised she was there 'Nemu –'before the clone could say more the real Mayuri butted in.

'Please take my other self to the testing room for some baseline experiments,' Mayuri said to a group of technicians.

The clone followed without much resistance.

'Nemu, it is absolutely brilliant, my very own clone, except for the voice it is perfect,' Mayuri proudly said.

'What is wrong with its voice?' Nemu asked.

'I feel as if it is very deep and not entirely the same as mine,' Mayuri said. 'Well no matter, it can still remember everything I have gone through up to this very day and even thinks the way I do,'

'Are you going to split the tasks between the two of you?' Nemu asked, reading over the rules again.

'Oh no my dear Nemu, I will create more clones, this task will be so much easier,' explained Mayuri jovially. 'I will create two more clones like the one you just saw, that should be enough,'

'I see,' Nemu said quietly.

----

_Midnight_

_12__th__ division headquarters_

Nemu crept across the courtyard and into the main laboratory. She gazed at the cylindrical tanks that contained two more Mayuri clones. She sighed and began to work.

At first she changed only minor attributes, the sound of their voices for example. She then changed bigger things, the memories they had, their personalities. Indeed, this is what she did with the first clone she changed his voice to a more pleasant one, and made slight changes to its personality, so it would go unnoticed.

'Nemu,' a voice said.

Mayuri stepped into the room. The voice was deep and he was not dressed up in a clown outfit.The clone.

'Mayuri,' Nemu said. She stopped typing and turned the computer off.

Mayuri disappeared from sight. Half a second later he was in front of her face, his hand raised, he caught the flash of fear in Nemu's eyes, and he hesitated.

His hand lowered.

'Nemu, I will only tell you once; get out. Now,'

Nemu left quickly leaving the clone alone to contemplate what had just happened.

He left the personality and traits profiles alone. He didn't know why though.

* * *

**People have to tell me whether this is good or bad otherwise I will just carry on and on.**

**Anyways I need suggestions for some tasks. I have got four so far. The fourth is a secret. MWAHAHA.**

**If u want to see ichirukiness, I am afraid you'll have to wait. I still have to introduce the other two clones and maybe I will reveal the fourth task.**

**I apologise if I am writing trash, if I am writing trash please say so.**


	4. When Clones Go Wrong

Chapter 4

_A few days later_

_12__th__ division headquarters_

The tanks were drained.

'Two more flawless clones,' Mayuri (the real one) thought to himself.

However they were not as flawless as he thought.

The second clone woke; it had darker hair and eyes.

'Who are you?' a technician asked.

'I am Mayuri Kurotsuchi,' it said. The technician frowned.

'Care to elaborate?' the technician asked.

The clone sneered; in a blink of an eye the Mayuri had kicked the technician onto the floor.

'No, asshole,' it said, stepping over the broken technician, the clone walked steadily to the real Mayuri.

The real Mayuri stepped backwards, possibly in fear, his clone stopped an inch form his face.

'You created me, but I only know my name.' It said slowly as if it had only learnt to talk. 'Who am I?' he asked.

The real Mayuri looked a little freaked, if that were possible.

'_You, _my friend, are my clone,' Mayuri scoffed, he then frowned, was there a defect in his memory cortex? 'What can you tell me about yourself?' Mayuri asked carefully.

'Absolutely nothing, except that I have amazing strength, all I know is this emotion that you call rage. I like this thing called rage,' it said.

'The personality is defected,' the first clone of Mayuri said.

'Yes, but why?' pondered the real Mayuri. Nemu stiffened but the first clone did not speak.

'It will have to do, I don't have time to make another, you and you do the first tests and bring him up to speed,' Mayuri snapped.

'Yessir,' the two technicians hurried away with the clone.

'Shock the other one alive,' Mayuri ordered.

Buttons were pressed; the shock penetrated the third clone's body. The technicians noticed the hair colour, and swallowed hard.

Its long eyelashes flickered, its eyes slowly opened.

A technician slowly stumbled up to it.

'Who are you?' she asked.

'Who am I?' the third clone asked, in what could only be described as an airy, light sort of voice.

'Well, to be honest I haven't given it much thought, hmm well I suppose I am this man and well I like dress-'

'WHAT THE F---' Mayuri shouted (the real one).

'Now, now, Mayuri, lets not swear, that's not very good is it, what kind of gentleman are you to swear so callously in front of your own daughter,' the clone skipped over to its creator.

The real Mayuri noticed its hair colour.

He clenched his fists, he tried to speak but words failed him.

'His hair…his hair is bright pink,' He screamed inside his head.

In the darkness of the room Nemu smiled to herself.

The third clone ignored his somewhat ugly counterpart, and focused on Nemu.

'Nemmmmmmmuuuuuuu! Aren't you glad to see papa?!' the clone turned to her and threw his arms around her, despite his nakedness. Nemu, rather awkwardly, hugged him back, trying not to get too close to his wet body.

The clone suddenly pulled back and clapped his hands twice.

'Now, chop, chop people. I need some clothes and I need them now, that's an order people,' the clone turned gaily around to face his technicians.

'Its it's … a … gay,' the real Mayuri thought to himself. 'What the hell am I going to do with this… this monstrosity?'

----

_3 days later_

Nemu tapped the blackboard with her pointer. She cleared her throat.

'Now I hope you understand what will be happening over the next few weeks,' she said softly.

She and the three clones had been holed up in a classroom style room for the past 2 days, learning and memorizing the twelve tasks.

It wasn't easy, teaching three clones.

The first clone would look at her and she would get goose bumps.

The second looked at her with the eyes of a hungry dog; he looked like he would eat her.

The third wouldn't stop applying make up or waving at her.

'Yeah, yeah, we got it, you are gonna send us to the real world, where we will complete whatever task you have given us. Any left over tasks will be sorted out by the 'real' Mayuri,' the second clone spoke without much enthusiasm.

'Please recite which tasks you will carry out,' Nemu said.

'I will be completing the 11th and the 12th task.' The fist clone said in a droll voice.

'I will carry out the 3rd and 4th task,' the second said happily.

'I will complete, with the utmost care that I am possible to use the 5th and 7th tasks.' The third said, flicking his bright pink hair.

'You will all have to complete the 2nd task together,' Nemu explained. 'After the second task you can split up and continue you own tasks, Captain Mayuri will be taking on the 6th, 9th, 10th and 8th tasks here in the Seireitei itself.'

'Score!' The second clone shouted out, 'I get the best ones,'

'Why are yours so good?' the first asked.

'Well, the fourth task is to get laid,' the second one said.

This drew blank stares from the third clone. The first one just sighed, as if this was too childish.

'What is getting laid?' the third said, confused. 'We aren't eggs, we don't get laid,'

Nemu laughed which was rare and left the room, leaving the second clone to explain the ways of getting laid.

----

_The next day_

_Gate to the real world_

Cold winter wind howled through the streets of the Soul Society. The third clone complained his hair was getting out of place.

'Goodbye clones,' Mayuri said, with a forced smile.

The first clone said nothing.

The second made a non committal grunt and the third one was waving and hugging his 'precious little' Nemu, who, apparently he could not bear to live without.

'If you need anything make sure to use the communicators, we provided you with,' Nemu said.

All three of them looked at each other. Brooding, pissed and gay. Not a good mix.

They stepped through and disappeared.

The gate's light slowly faded and died. Nemu looked at the real Mayuri, he was radiating anger but had a false smile that looked rather forced. He caught her looking at him.

'What's the matter with you Nemu, I hope I won't have to clone you ever,' he said and walked away, no doubt to check on the progress his clones were making.

Nemu stood alone by the gate. Her smile fading as fast as the sun behind her.

* * *

**The next chapter will definitely have ichiruki (finally)**

**When I look back I kinda feel as if the first two chapters weren't as good as the rest of the story… maybe I should change it.**

**I will reveal more tasks as I go along. Also i have nothing against gays.**


	5. First, Second, Third

PART 2- THE TWELVE TASKS

Chapter 5

_The real world_

_Karakura_

It was nearing Christmas

School was out

Ichigo Kurosaki walked along the path, not feeling the cold slush of half melted snow against his legs.

He wandered what Rukia was doing. He hadn't seen or heard from her since the Bount had been defeated. He sighed. He shouldn't be bothered, he shouldn't even be thinking about her. He was just a human.

He passed a junction and followed the road that would take him home, through the corner of his eye he saw something move.

He turned.

There was nothing there.

'Great,' he thought to himself, 'as well as thinking about Rukia I'm also imagining things.'

He hurried home.

Three heads poked themselves out of a bush.

'Do you think he noticed us?' the third clone asked.

'I think he did, wow, he looks he could hold his own in a fight, dang, cant wait to confront that mother-' the second was cut off by the first.

'Shut up that has nothing to do with the task.'

They dragged themselves out of the bush.

'We have to find a way to get Kuchiki over here,' the first said.

'Once we have her in the real world, we kidnap the two and lock 'em in a basement,' the second suggested. 'Then after some time they should like fall in love and all that crap.'

'That is the most outrageous idea I have ever heard,' the third claimed, 'two people don't just fall in love in a couple of hours, it takes time for these things to happen, it has to blossom like a flower.'

'That was poetic, it was also stupid, and where do you come up with that stuff?' the second complained.

The first already had a plan.

'Who is the currant shinigami on patrol in Karakura?' the first asked.

'That afro man,' the third said with disgust.

'Second, go and take out the shinigami on patrol,' the first clone said taking charge.

Second nodded but said 'So you're giving us names now.'

'We are experiments and don't deserve names, what I call you now is a way to not get confused,' the first said in a toneless voice.

'Whatever,' Second flash stepped away.

'Ooo, ooo, what can I do?' Said Third eagerly.

First looked at him in contempt.

'Notify the headquarters that we will need research item #28u56g and that they should send over a replacement shinigami to Karakura,' First ordered.

'Awwww, that's such a boring job,' Third huffed. He looked at First's face, the gold eyes freaked him out.

'I'll get right on it,' Third said.

----

_Nearing midnight_

_Soul Society_

Rukia woke from restless sleep. She pushed away the futon covers and left the room.

She sat on a small balcony that looked over the 13th division's courtyard.

She couldn't sleep because she had been under too much stress. That's what the medics in the 4th division told her. However she knew that wasn't the whole problem.

The other problem was Ichigo.

Before she could ponder over the orange haired youth any longer a hell butterfly fluttered into view, carrying a single message.

_Kuchiki Rukia, please report to the Captain's Office immediately_

Her small face frowned. 'Whatever could they want now,' she thought to herself.

Rukia knocked on the captain's door.

'Enter,'

Rukia stepped into the roomy office and bowed to her Captain.

'Kuchiki reporting,' she announced herself.

'It seems like the current shinigami on patrol was attacked by unknown being so I am sending you to investigate,' Ukitake said.

'Okay.' Rukia's stomach flip flopped. 'Back to Karakura,' she thought, 'where it all began…'

Her thoughts were interrupted by her Captain's voice.

'Rukia be careful, there have been strange things going on recently, the gate is going to open soon so you better hurry.'

Rukia left at a run. She was finally doing something useful, as she was running to the gate; she passed Afro being dragged away by medics.

'Damn, he looks real beat up, who could have done this?' she said to herself.

She hurried through the gate just as it was about to close.

----

_The real world_

First looked up when he saw the others hurrying over. They had found an old abandoned warehouse to set up their base of operations.

'Afro man just received the beating of his life,' Second said, he looked wild, as if he really did enjoy beating people senseless.

First absorbed this information and then he looked at Third.

'Did you bring the item?' he asked.

Third looked offended. 'As if I would ever forget,' he handed the parcel over, 'I also recommended they send Rukia over, she should be here soon.'

'Good.'

'What's in the parcel?' Second asked.

'It is a special gas; it will attract powerful hollows and allow one them into the real world.' First explained irritably. 'We need to let it out in an open area, like a park.'

'I passed a park on the way to Afro man,' Second said.

----

Ichigo woke.

The shinigami replacement badge was flashing and screeching. Without thinking he slapped it to his palm and placed Kon's pill into his real body.

'Here we go again,' he said to himself quietly, unaware that he was being watched by his younger sister, Karin.

'Ichigo, where are going?'

----

Rukia sensed the hollow as soon as she entered the real world.

Its reiatsu was huge and suffocating. She saw it coming towards her.

A huge beast came into view; it boasted the body of a bull, the torso of a man and huge pincers.

Her eyes widened.

It charged for her.

A black figure came in front of her, deflecting the huge monster with his equally huge sword.

'Hey, Rukia, you're as slow as ever,' the black figure said.

Rukia recognised that voice; it was one that she could never forget.

'Ichigo,'

* * *

**Please read and review. I think that most of the story now will be about trying to get these two together. After that I will try and tackle the tasks one by one. So much stuff…**

**I apologise for any mistakes and other stuff that I got wrong.**

**Also I don't own Bleach. Wish I did though.**


	6. Background info

Background info

For the sake of the story, Aizen isn't going to appear, probably just mentioned

Gin probably will only be mentioned too, probably just to haunt Matsumoto or something

Same goes for Tosen

Ichigo is gonna be 18 because it makes it easier to make this sound realistic

The story is set about 2-3 years after the Bount story arc.

That's about it.

The tasks so far are:

1. Be nice to Nemu

2. Make Ichigo and Rukia express their feelings for each other

3. Save someone's life

4. Get laid

Also, I didn't mention this before, but the tasks don't need to be done in any order and there is no deadline.

I am not good with names so the clones are gonna be called – First, Second and Third. For now.

I am changing the story slightly from what it was going to be like.

Instead of he clones doing set tasks, its gonna be a mix.

The point of this story is that even though there are the clones, the real Mayuri will end up doing almost all the tasks and become a better person for it, so he will kinda carry on being nice to nemu etc.. If that doesn't make sense i apologise, hopefully it will become clear during the rest of the story. The clones are just here for, uh, comic relief or something like that.

I think I am going to change the first two chapters, and make them more serious. This is my first fanfic so if there are inconsistences or mistakes, just go with the flow, and i'll will try to correct them

That's about it, I guess. Read and review people.


	7. Little Sister

Chapter 6

'You remembered my name then,' Ichigo said.

'How could I forget,' she thought to herself.

Rain had started to fall.

The hollow roared, angered by Ichigo's deflection.

It charged towards them, Rukia drew her zanpaktou and flash stepped towards the creature.

She disappeared from sight. There was a moment's silence.

The creature suddenly screamed, and stopped in the middle of its charge. Rukia came back into view, the hollow's arm pouring blood.

'I am not as slow as you think,' Rukia retorted.

'Yeah, yeah, whatever…,' Ichigo replied.

'Don't just dismiss me like that!' she shouted angrily.

'I was trying to break the ice, y'know, it's been ages since I've actually seen you fight.' Ichigo said, trying to explain.

Rukia would have none of it.

'Yeah, yeah whatever…' She said dismissively.

'Hey! Don't you go dismissing me now!' Ichigo shouted back.

The hollow watched the pair, for the first time in its hellish life, unsure of what to do.

'They seem really in to it,' the hollow thought.

Suddenly, the hollow heard a small cry.

'ICHIGO!'

----

'We have a problem,' Second said, peering through some binoculars, 'someone followed them into the park, and it appears that they can see the hollow.'

'Can you tell who it is?' First asked, not really bothered.

'It is too small to be an adult, so I am thinking a middle schooler or something like that,'

First swore, though inside his head he was wandering how the figure could see the hollow. 'It might make an interesting test subject,' he thought to himself.

Third gasped.

'First,' she scolded gently, 'how many times have I told you not to use such unsavoury language and also we must save that poor child, it must be sooooooooo frightened,'

Second grunted, causing Third to sigh. 'If you won't do something, then I will,' Third thought to itself.

First stuck out its arm, blocking the way.

'Wait,'

----

'ICHIGO!'

The hollow dived.

Ichigo looked down.

'Karin?' Ichigo said, panicking.

'I have to save her,' he thought, as he followed the hollow, but he had a horrible feeling that he couldn't get there in time.

'Damn, what is she doing here,' he thought.

The hollow was close. Karin stepped back in fear.

'I'm not gonna make it,' he thought desperately.

----

Third tried to push past First.

'We have to save that child, the hollow is almost there, Ichigo isn't going to make it,' Third argued.

'We're too late,' First said.

'Wha-,' Third was cut off by First, who looked annoyed, 'Someone is already there,' he said.

----

Rukia pushed Karin away, just as the hollow's pincers came slicing down.

Rukia fell to the ground.

Ichigo was too late.

Karin grazed a knee.

The rain kept falling.

* * *

**This was a short chapter, but then again, I'm not really good at writing fight scenes, so I wanted to make it short.**

**Rukia isn't dead by the way, just mortally wounded, the usual thing, but these sorts of scenarios create excellent ichirukiness.**

**Anyways, I have just started chapter 7 so you won't have to wait too long. I hope.**


	8. One Mother of a Disaster

Chapter 7

Rukia let out a sigh.

It was slow and painful.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ichigo repeatedly attacking the hollow, each strike more powerful than the last.

Turning her head slightly she caught sight of Ichigo's sister, Karin, cowering, her eyes wide in fear.

She felt a cough rising in her throat, she tasted the blood.

'Bugger,' she thought to herself, 'I've only been here about 10 minutes, and I've already been mortally wounded, damn.'

Ichigo delivered the final blow. The hollow faded from sight. 'Crap,' he thought, 'this is one mother of a disaster.'

He hurried over to Rukia, calling out her name, slipping on the wet pavement.

He knelt by her prone body.

'Can she even hear me?' he thought, frantically checking for a pulse.

Panic took over. He shook her small body, calling her name over again, hoping she would come back.

'Ichi-nii?' a small voice cut into his panic.

Ichigo looked at his sister. He couldn't be mad at her. She _was_ his sister and he was partly to blame for not telling his sister what was going on in his ever hectic life.

'Karin,' he called out to her. 'Help me,' he said, gesturing towards Rukia's still body.

She crawled over, on the verge of tears, and helped Ichigo bring back Rukia to consciousness. Finally, Rukia's head moved and her eyes blinked.

'Ichigo,' she said, weakly.

'Rukia,' he said, softly, so glad his friend was alive. 'Are you okay?'

Rukia emitted what sounded like a hacking cough, but could have passed for attempted laughter. Ichigo smiled.

'I'm gonna get you out of here,' he promised. That said, he picked her up and ran out of the park, Karin following him.

----

Three men stood on the roof of a small office block. The rain slowly came to a stop; the clouds cleared revealing a full moon.

'I think that turned out quite well,' one said, 'did you see him whoop that hollow's ass.'

The one with pink hair was speechless (too much violence!)

The one with a surprisingly deep voice spoke.

'Good, but be warned this isn't over yet,'

----

Ichigo ran down countless roads, his body on auto-pilot.

He knew the route off by heart; he went to the place so many times to find out news about the Soul Society.

He slowed. His sister stopped beside him, panting.

'Ichigo, where are we?' she asked.

They had stopped outside a small wooden building that looked somewhat nostalgic being placed between modern high-rise buildings.

'Urahara Shop,' Ichigo said without anymore explanation.

It was the early hours of the morning, he was sure that everyone would be asleep and so was pleasantly surprised to find that Tessai and Urahara himself waiting for him in the shop front.

Before Ichigo could say anything about this, Urahara spoke.

'We got a tip that we might be needed,' he stepped aside, 'take her into the backroom.'

When Ichigo and his sister had left the shop Urahara said,

'Damn, I was so close as well, I was only off by an hour,' he handed a wad of money notes to Tessai. 'You're too good at betting, Tessai, how could you have know they were come at 2:34am exactly.'

'I have special sources,' Tessai answered, adjusting his glasses.

Urahara frowned but didn't pursue it any further.

----

After Tessai had dressed Rukia's wounds and sent her to sleep. Urahara turned to Ichigo,

'Kurosaki-kun, I think it would be better if you took your sister home for the night, I'm sure she is exhausted. I also think you should get some sleep, Rukia will be fine now,'

Urahara turned to Karin and smiled, 'it is unfortunate that we had to meet under such sad circumstances, maybe you should come visit some other time,'

Karin looked up at the shop keeper, wary of his smile that looked welcoming, even if a little pervy.

'Come on, Karin, we have to go now,' Ichigo said, tonelessly.

----

When Ichigo finally arrived home, he was surprised to see that his body wasn't there.

'Dammit Kon, where the hell did you go,' Ichigo muttered to himself. He checked out Kon's usual hang outs: the kitchen, bathroom and the medicine cupboard. He wasn't there.

Ichigo was too tried to really care when Kon had gone but waited for him to come home anyway.

'He better have a good reason for stealing my body like that,' Ichigo thought to himself.

He flicked the TV on and muted the volume. The screen displayed a 24 hour news channel.

Ichigo watched in boredom as the new presenter talked to a hysterical teenager about his age. A photo flashed on the screen, followed by a message saying that if you saw this person you should ring the police.

Ichigo blinked. He sat up in his chair.

The photo came back on the screen. The image was grainy but the face was clear.

It was him.

Ichigo promised himself that he would kill Kon then and there if he had to. He took note of the location where the news was being filmed and jumped out of his window.

----

_Eastern Karakura_

Ichigo knew he was on the right track because he could see a local news van parked outside a flat.

A sign outside the flat said:

_**EASTERN KARAKURA GIRLS HOSTEL**_

_NO MALES ALLOWED_

_THANK YOU_

'Uh oh,' Ichigo thought to himself, 'I have a bad feeling about this…'

A news reporter was interviewing the hostel's landlady.

'So Mrs Tanabata, you said the intruder just jumped onto the 3rd floor balcony, are you sure this is correct?' the interviewer asked.

'Oh me, oh my! I saw it with my own eyes. A young man walked up to the gates and jumped! He jumped onto the 3rd floor balcony. It was crazy; all the girls were screaming and running around in their night clothes!' the landlady lady explained.

Ichigo thought the landlady was a little crazy herself. Then he heard the bush giggle.

Ichigo turned slowly around.

The bush giggled again, its leaves moving unnaturally.

'WTF!' Ichigo shouted, his eyes popped out of his head.

The bush stopped moving mid-giggle. Ichigo's head popped out of the bush, he caught sight of his shinigami form staring at him dumbstruck.

'Oh shit,' Kon muttered trying to run away, unaware that the rest of his body was still in the bush.

Kon was stuck.

Ichigo drew out Zangetsu.

Kon paled, he was saved, however, by a policeman, who had heard the commotion and had come to investigate.

What he saw was the other side of the bush and something rounded sticking out of it.

The policeman, unsure about what this round thing was, poked it with his baton.

'Hey watch what you're poking, that's my as-,' Kon was cut off by the policeman whacking him on the behind, scared stiff at why this round thing was talking.

Kon managed to extract himself form the bush. The policeman gathering his wits shouted,

'Hey guys, I found the perpetrator!'

'I've got you now, you lil perv,' the policeman said to Kon, waving his baton.

'Oh crap,' Kon replied, and jumped over the policeman. Ichigo followed him when he started to run away.

'RUN!' Kon shouted to Ichigo. But Ichigo was tired and couldn't take anymore of Kon's antics.

He whacked Kon with the shinigami badge, and a small green pill flew out of Ichigo's body.

Glad to have his own body back, Ichigo ran across town.

After what seemed hours, Ichigo arrived at his house, just as the pink light of sunrise began to creep over the horizon.

He deposited Kon's pill into the lion plushie.

'Ichigo! I had soooo much fun, hahaha, you should've seen those girls' faces, they were priceless!' Kon ran around the room excitedly.

Ichigo picked Kon up.

'Err… Ichigo,' Kon asked, cautiously. 'Umm if you're wanderin about what happened tonight well I can assure you that-,' Kon was interrupted by Ichigo pulling the arms and legs off the plushie and shoving it into the depths of his wardrobe. He'd had enough.

'When I forgive you, you can have these back,' Ichigo said to the wardrobe, dumping the limbs into his desk drawer. 'If I ever forgive you,' Ichigo thought as he collapsed onto his bed.

As he drifted into an uneasy sleep, something troubled him.

'Who tipped Urahara that we were coming?'

* * *

**Most of this chapter was just waffle becasue i couldn't think of anyhting to write. Kinda like filler episodes, just not as funny or entertaining**

**Hopefully the next chapter will be better. The next chapter will be back to ichiruki**


	9. Ants and Spiders

Chapter 8

Rukia woke to a scream.

She opened her eyes and took a good look around the room. She realised she was in Urahara's shop. Someone screamed again.

Was there trouble? She thought to herself. She hurried to the source of the screaming. Rukia found herself outside the bathroom. She knocked on the door.

'Hello? Are you okay in there?' she asked.

There was no reply. She made to knock again but before she could the door burst opened and Tessai leapt out.

'Tessai-san are you okay?' Rukia asked, peering into the large bathroom.

She heard the scream again. It wasn't coming from the bathroom. It was coming from Tessai.

Rukia's eyes widened. 'Dang, I didn't know he could scream like that, even I can't achieve those high notes,' she thought.

'R-Ru-Ruki-Rukia-chan, save … yourself,' Tessai pleaded.

'What's wrong?' Rukia asked, getting more scared.

Urahara joined them in the hallway. 'What's going on?' he asked.

Rukia started to explain that she heard screaming and came here to find Tessai, when Tessai himself said,

'Urahara-san, th-ther-there's a monster in the bath.'

Rukia finally understood; there must have been an ultra powerful hollow in the bath, that's what made Tessai so scared.

Rukia didn't see the flaws of that idea.

Urahara stepped inside the bathroom, Rukia stepped in after him. She couldn't see any hollow. She frowned, maybe it had left already.

'Well, well, well I think I've found the monster,' Urahara chuckled; he was pointing at the bath.

Rukia gasped, but then again she had just noticed the Chappy embossed towel which was hanging next to the sink.

After tearing her gaze away from the pink towel she looked at where Urahara was pointing. She peered over the edge the bath. Inside was a humongous, hairy and horrifying spider. Rukia watched in fascination as it attempted to scale the steep walls of the bath.

'What we have here is some honking great big spider,' Urahara said to no one in particular. He called for Tessai to come in but Tessai refused. Urahara tutted and turned to face Rukia.

'So Rukia how do you suppose we get this spider out of here,' Urahara asked.

Rukia frowned in concentration. 'Hmmmmmm……' she hmmmmed.

She was saved from thinking any longer, when a black cat jumped into the bath from the window. Without a moments pause it picked the spider up with its mouth and chomped. There was a squelch. Something dripped from the cat's mouth.

'Tell me that wasn't Yoruichi,' Rukia said. No such luck.

The cat transformed, leaving a dark-skinned naked woman in the bath. Rukia averted her gaze. Urahara didn't. Rukia sighed.

'Urahara-san don't you think you should look away too,' she whispered up to him.

'Uh… what yes of course, ha-ha, I was just taken with the view, that's all,' he said, all smiles.

'Kisuke, you mock,' Yoruichi said, 'It's nothing you haven't seen before.'

Rukia decided she didn't want to know anymore and left the bathroom, pausing to ask Ururu where she had bought the Chappy towel.

'Rukia, that isn't my towel, its Jinta-kun's,' Ururu replied.

Rukia returned to her futon, living in the Urahara shop was hard work.

----

'Iiicchhigoo!' Isshin shouted his son's name, ready to punch him when he reached the bottom of the stairs. Ichigo swatted him away.

'Ichigo, you have gotten so good, BAWHAHHA, all my hard work has paid off!' Isshin congratulated himself; he even went as far too pat his own back.

Ichigo sighed and frowned at the empty plate on the table. He asked where Karin was. Yuzu replied that she was still sleeping. Ichigo sat at the table. He needed to find out how Rukia was. He got up. Maybe he shouldn't be so overbearing, maybe he should give her space. He sat down again. But then again he cared about he well being, right? This was just friendly concern. '_Friendly, heh yeah right,'_ a small voice in his head said. He stood up.

Isshin was watching his son, unaware of the internal struggle going on inside him.

'Ichigo, what's wrong with you? Do you have ants in your pants or something?' he asked. Ichigo shouted at him for making stupid comments, Isshin watched bemused as he watched Ichigo grab a piece of toast and walk out the front door.

'Yuzu, Ichigo doesn't care about me anymore!' he said sobbing. Yuzu rapped his knuckles with a wooden spoon.

Isshin sobbed even harder.

'Karin! Karin! Yuzu and Ichigo don't care about me anymore!' he confided in his daughter as she descended the stairs, she gave him a death glare.

'Dang,' he thought, noticing the bags under Karin's eyes, 'she looks a little worse for wear.'


	10. Catfight!

**I forgot to mention this before but all the clones are in their gigai form.**

**Bleach is not mine blah blah witter drone… you get the point**

* * *

Chapter 9

Ichigo hurried to Urahara' shop, when he got there he was pleasantly surprised to see Rukia sitting by the cask register in her gigai. She was reading a magazine. She looked up.

Ichigo blinked, rubbed his eyes and blinked again.

'Ohmygod, Rukia, what's wrong with your face?' he shouted.

Rukia frowned. 'I don't know, what is wrong with my face?' she replied.

'Well you look a little… ummm… different,' Ichigo said, diplomatically, not mentioning the fact that her eyes were red and her skin paler than usual, not to mention the dark bags under her eyes. 'She looks like a panda,' Ichigo said to himself.

Anger marks appeared on Rukia's forehead.

'I heard that,' she said. Then 'its not my fault I look like this, living in this shop is crazy, for some reason the house is infested with spiders which means that none of us can sleep because Tessai keeps screaming-,' While Rukia was explaining this Ichigo couldn't help but feel relieved that she was okay, he hadn't seen her look so animated in a long time.

His musings were cut off by a high pitched scream 'Is there a hollow nearby?' he thought to himself. Rukia caught his expression.

'Here we go again,' she sighed. 'It's not a hollow, Ichigo, its just Tessai screaming at a spider.'

'Oh,' was all that Ichigo could come up with. Rukia shut her eyes and exhaled.

'Ichigo, I need to get out of here, let's go for a walk,' she suggested to her orange haired friend.

'Uh ok,' he said, not really getting over the fact that Tessai could scream so well. 'Dang,' he thought, 'Tessai even puts Yuzu to shame with that screaming.'

Once outside Rukia wished she brought a jacket but all of hers had mysteriously disappeared. After a short time goose bumps appeared on her arms and she shivered

This didn't go unnoticed. Ichigo, ever watchful of Rukia and her well being, dropped his jacket on her head, it covered her face.

'Ichigo, I've gone blind,' Rukia said, stopping. Ichigo sighed, 'she's as clueless as ever,' he thought.

'Sometimes you're a real dumbass, you know that?' Ichigo said, pulling the jacket off her head and handing it to her properly. Once Rukia had managed to put on- Ichigo noticed her wince- he asked:

'You sure you're up for a walk?'

She said she was fine and they carried on walking, under the watchful eye of the three clones who were trying hard (extremely hard in the case of the third clone) to look inconspicuous.

'I say, First, that was an excellent idea to steal her jackets, I never knew you had it in you,' Third said gaily. First grunted 'Don't get used to it, we're going to give them back later.'

Third slapped his face in horror.

'But why, I think we should keep them,' he whined.

Second scoffed, he was wearing a dark brown trench coat, thick round glasses and a false moustache/nose ensemble. 'What the hell are we going to do with a bunch of girls jackets?' he said.

Third grinned devilishly. 'Oh my, Second, I thought you would never ask, well since you're so interested, I have found some rather lovely garments in Kuchiki's jacket collection, and I thought they looked rather ravishing on me,' he said and without much further ado he pulled a pale pink jacket from inside his shirt and pulled it on, twirling as he did so.

'Voi-la, what do you think?' Third said proudly.

The others didn't really know what to say, at first they thought, 'Where the hell did he get that jacket from?' then they started to think, 'Should I hit him?'

In the end Second took control of the situation by whacking Third on the head. Third fell onto the slushy pavement, hard.

'Violence, in the end solves everything,' he thought, smiling to himself.

----

Ichigo and Rukia walked together in silence. An awkward silence. The only time they talked was when they were arguing. Ichigo didn't even know where they were going. 'Damn, what's happening, we can't even talk to each other without biting each others heads off, this is getting out of hand,' he thought to himself. Rukia was thinking similar thoughts. She was about to say something when they realised they had arrived at the park from last night. They stood in silence, remembering.

'Rukia,' Ichigo said finally. 'I'm glad you're okay.' Ichigo didn't know why but he struggled to say those words. 'Maybe I shouldn't have said that,' he thought, after Rukia didn't reply.

The clones watched from a park bench. Third was on the verge of tears.

'What is taking them so long?' he complained loudly. First told him to be quiet.

But Rukia had noticed and looked in their direction. She squinted.

'Hey Rukia isn't that pink haired dude wearing a similar jacket to yours?' Ichigo asked.

'It isn't just familiar, its mine,' she thought.

'Ichigo,_ that_ is my jacket,' she said running towards the three men.

----

The three clones swore.

'Oh shit, we've been made,' Second said.

'Split up and meet at the warehouse,' First said, already hurrying away. Second ran off in another direction, leaving Third on his own.

'Hey, wait up guys,' he called out, but they were already too far away.

'I can't run well in these boots,' Third thought. Ichigo and Rukia were close.

'Oh bugger,' was the thought going through his head when Ichigo rugby tackled him to the ground.

'Hey punk, what the hell do you think you're doing, you totally mucked up my hair and I recently got a manicure,' Third complained.

'Who are you and where did you get that jacket?' Ichigo demanded.

Okay now Third was getting angry.

'Where I got this jacket is none of your concern, and for your information, I am a pissed gay and nobody likes a pissed gay,' Third said with venom.

'What do I care if you're pissed, buddy, I just wanna know where you got your jacket,' Ichigo said.

'Okay, now you've done it,' Third hissed and bared his manicured nails, cat fight style. Without much warning Third slapped Ichigo hard on the face.

'What the-,' Ichigo muttered. Rukia watched and laughed. Ichigo was getting whooped by a he-she.

'Rukia, you might want to help,' help Ichigo suggested, blocking the vicious attacks.

'Umm, excuse me , mister, but I think my friend got you confused with someone else, see I lost a jacket that looked like that recently,' Rukia explained, turning on her brightest smile.

Third stopped. 'Oh my god, she looks so gosh darn cute,' his heart melted at once. He stopped attacking Ichigo and walked over to Rukia, smiling all the way.

'Man, his mood changes quickly,' Ichigo thought to himself.

'Oh my, oh my, punk, I didn't know you had such a cute _girlfriend_,' Third said, still addressing Ichigo but facing Rukia. Ichigo was quick to reply that Rukia wasn't his girlfriend. Third tutted.

'Oh well, that is such a shame, I guess I will take her for myself then,' Third suggested. Cackling wickedly in his head.

Rukia went red in the face.

'Heh, heh, I think me and my friend will leave now,' she said, while taking small steps backwards. Ichigo joined her.

'Stay away from her you crazy,' Ichigo said to Third. Third waved and watched them go. 'Don't worry I will,' Third thought, 'I'm not in the least interested in _her_.'

* * *

**I think one of the best things about writing this is making scenes with the gay Mayuri, it so fun. I hope you are enjoying them as much as I am.**

**Well, any way, over and out till the next chapter.**


	11. Charity

**I have been fasting for the past 5 days. All I could eat was unsalted nuts and fruit. I kinda feel like a caveperson.**

**Anyways since I can't eat, I had a lot of spare time which kind of made me start this fic. So I directed all my hunger at this fic and I just got hungrier, damn, what did I expect?**

* * *

Chapter 10

_Later that day_

_Abandoned warehouse_

Two Mayuris huddled around a small gas heater that had been set up. Over the past few days, rain had been falling almost constantly resulting in floods. The clones' possessions had been destroyed. Third had a lot to say about this.

First had been listening to Third's rants for the past hour. He had used earplugs for the last half. His stomach rumbled, it cut into Third's ramblings. First felt as if he hadn't eaten in days, completing these tasks was draining all his energy. They were both waiting for Second to bring some food. After ten more minutes Second appeared in the doorway carrying three bags, filled to the brim.

'Thank goodness you're here,' Third said. 'First has been most boring, I was beginning to feel that he didn't care about Kuchiki's destroyed jackets or my rather large shoe selection being ruined in the floods.'

'How much did you spend?' First said, ignoring third and eyeing the shopping bags.

'Not a thing,' came the reply.

----

_1 hour earlier_

Second walked through the rain, thoroughly soaked. He swore and kicked a can into the road, which caused a car to puncture a tyre and subsequently smash into a bush. Second laughed.

Then he noticed the van. The motor was running, but no one seemed to be in it. Second casually walked around the van to find that there really was no one occupying the vehicle.

A panel on the side of the van read:

_HELP THE AGED AND THE HOMELESS_

_SUPPORT OUR CHARITY_

_BY HELPING US YOU CAN GIVE US THE MEANS TO PROVIDE THE ELDERLY AND HOMELESS WITH FREE MEALS_

The word free caught Second's eye. 'Oh my,' he thought, 'a free meal.'

He peered into the backend of the van, inside there were steaming bento meals and tins of coffee. 'Dang, I've hit the jackpot,' he thought to himself.

Checking that no one was around, he subtly grabbed three bags and high-tailed it out of there.

----

First's eyes widened when Second had finished explaining how he had acquired their free meals.

'I thought what the heck, might as well, I mean there were loads there,' Second concluded his tale of thievery. Third had a lot to say about this too.

'Second,' he scolded, 'this is most distressing, to think there are people going hungry out there in the world and you just stole their only hope!'

Second didn't really give a damn. He had his food which, to be honest, was all he really needed in his life.

----

Ichigo and Rukia arrived at Urahara's shop. They stopped walking. 'Is this the end of the line?' Ichigo thought rather dramatically. He could still feel where that manic, pink haired guy had slapped him around the face. His face was a mixture of scratch marks and multi-coloured bruises.

'Should I invite him in or tell him to go home and nurse his ego,' Rukia thought to herself.

Ichigo broke the silence, 'Hey, Rukia, why didn't you just go and take your jacket, it wasn't a mistake?'

Rukia smiled, 'Well it just seemed like a better idea to get out of there, I mean that pink haired dude thrashed you.'

Ichigo scowled, 'yeah well, I didn't want to hit him too hard back because it felt kinda bad, as if I was hitting a woman,' he retorted.

'Yeah, whatever excuse makes you feel better,' she said. They said nothing for a while. Ichigo was thinking about how that gay had actually the nerve to go and take Rukia away from him. 'Rukia is mine,' Ichigo growled in his head. He realised how this sounded. Before he could do anything further, he caught sight of Jinta making smoochy faces at him from an upstairs window. Ichigo gave him the finger, this was promptly challenged by a lucky throw by Jinta who managed to strike Ichigo's nose with a bar of soap.

Rukia, being Rukia, didn't notice what had gone down between the Ichigo and Jinta and so when she turned to her companion she was surprised to find his nose streaming blood.

Protectiveness and another host of feelings kicked in.

'Ohmygod, Ichigo you're still hurt,' she said quickly and dragged him into the shop to find Yoruichi sitting behind a bunch of empty food bowls. She noticed Ichigo's face.

'Hey Ichigo, I didn't know you were into cat-fights, if you'd told me I would have given you a few tips,' she said, burping every so often.

Ichigo's face could've fried an egg.

An arm projected itself from a crack in the sliding door; it took Yoruichi by the scruff of the neck and pulled her out of the room.

'Where'd she go?' Rukia asked not seeing the arm.

'It doesn't matter,' Ichigo said, wincing thus bringing Rukia's attention back on to him.

----

_Outside room_

'Kisuke, what do you the hell d'you think you're doing,' Yoruichi yelled.

Urahara gave his trade mark happy-go-lucky smile and explained,

'Don't you see my dear Yoruichi, with Kurosaki-kun and Kuchiki in that room all _alone_ don't you think that this could be the moment where true feelings might show.'

Yoruichi smiled mischeviously, 'Oooo my, I like the way you think, Kisuke.'

They peered through and small opening in the door.

'Did you come up with that yourself?' Yoruichi asked.

'I had a bit of help from a secret source,' Kisuke said vaguely.

'Kisuke, who is this source?' Yoruichi asked, curious.

'Yoruichi, now that would be telling wouldn't it,' Kisuke said, teasingly, knowing where this would lead.

'Well then, I'll just have to make you talk another way,' she replied in the most suggestive way she could.

Urahara grinned. Then said 'You might have to give it your all,'

'Don't worry, I fully intend to.'

----

_Back inside the room_

Rukia dabbed Ichigo's face with antiseptic alcohol. Ichigo squirmed.

'Jeez, Ichigo, stop moving, I'm trying to help,' she said.

'Well, if you wouldn't do it so hard, it wouldn't be so bad and anyway it stings,' he complained.

'Just don't think about it,' she advised.

'Yeah and how would you suggest I do that, Einstein?' Ichigo asked, scowling.

Rukia sat opposite him and thought.

'Hmmmmmm,'

_In Rukia's mind._

'_Yeah and how would you suggest I do that, Einstein?' Ichigo asked, scowling._

'_By doing this,' she replied and kissed him rather forcefully on the mouth._

_Ichigo's eyes widened, and then shut again, this time slowly. He kissed her back._

_Rukia dabbed his face with medicinal alcohol._

_As quick as it has happened, it stopped and she breathed._

_Her forehead rested against his._

'_Did that work?' she asked._

_End Rukia's mind_

Ichigo watched, bemused, as Rukia sat, after a minute or two Ichigo realised that she had spaced completly and had begun to drool slightly.

'What's up with her?' he thought.

'Hey, Earth to Rukia,' Ichigo said waving his hand in front of her face. She blinked and felt a blush creep across her face. As much as she wanted the little scenario in her head to play out, something in her rejected this and she kicked him in between the legs, hard.

Ichigo crumpled. 'Sweet Jesus!' Ichigo shouted, rolling on the floor. Rukia quickly took hold of his face and dabbed in gently with the alcohol.

Ichigo stopped rolling. His head was in her lap. She looked down at him with those huge eyes of hers. Eyes that were silently laughing at him.

'Did that work?' she asked.

Ichigo blushed, his head still in her lap, 'It did' he replied.

* * *

**Most of the Ichiruki was fluff but I thought this was one of my finer moments, or my hunger has made me a crazy delusional person. Well it doesn't matter what I think, as long as you people like it.**

**Just like with gay Mayuri, making scenes with Urahara and Yoruichi are very fun.**

**Toodle pip then for now. I have to go and forage for nuts now. **


	12. Invitations

**My nut-foraging didn't go so well, I had a run in with a fox and I got scared. I mean it was dark and stuff.**

**Also I realised I had used lots of scenes with bushes in them, I guess it's because I like the word and it is easy to type (for me anyway). I suppose I should use different words like: shrubbery, tree, stump, and hedge**

**But I thought they didn't have the same effect as bush.**

* * *

Chapter 11 

Urahara and Yoruichi fell through the sliding door and landed in crumple heap before Ichigo and Rukia.

Rukia took her hands from Ichigo's face and shifted her legs.

Ichigo's head met the floor with a thud. He groaned. 'Things were going well for once,' he thought, scowling at the duo on the floor.

Urahara disentangled himself from Yoruichi.

'Excuse us Kurosaki-kun, we were just having a little fun and then we fell through the door,' he explained, not giving away any details.

'Urahara-san that didn't really explain anything,' Rukia said.

'Let's just say we are two adults reliving our younger more erot- I mean exotic days,' Yoruichi said, 'and let's leave it at that.'

Ichigo felt his stomach shiver when he saw their faces; the two looked very smug. Ichigo had a feeling that he didn't want to know anymore and with that he said goodbye,

'Rukia, thanks for the walk, but I should be going now,' he waved at them.

'Ok,' she replied, reluctantly. As she watched him leave she felt something tugging at her heart. 'Don't go!' her mind thought. Urahara and Yoruichi shared a conspiring look.

'Don't mind us Rukia, we'll be going now,' Urahara said happily. They both left a room leaving a rather confused and lonely Rukia behind.

----

'We need to step up the pace,' First said, snapping the mobile phone shut. 'I just got off the phone with Urahara; he said they made progress but not enough to create conclusive results.'

Third tutted, 'Don't talk about them as if they were an experiment.'

He ignored Third. Instead he turned Second and asked, 'Where did you get this phone?'

Second opened his mouth.

'Wait don't tell me, I don't think I really want to know,' First interrupted him, thinking that Second had probably just stole the phone off some unsuspecting innocent.

A light bulb fluttered to life over Third's head.

'Hey guys, I have a great idea!' he exclaimed.

They ignored him.

'Awww, come on, since its Christmas why don't we have a party?' Third suggested.

'What the hell is that going to do?' Second muttered.

Third scowled, 'And to think I thought you were more intelligent than First, because it is Christmas we can use the secret weapon of, wait for it-' Third was cut off by Second.

'Get on with it ya pansy!' he shouted.

Third pouted, 'Ok, ok no need to get tetchy, anyways I was thinking we could use mistletoe and anyways I haven't got to design a Christmas party yet _and_ I have some great colour schemes I want to try out.'

First looked up, 'That is a fair idea.'

Third squealed in delight, 'One of my ideas is finally getting approved!' he thought excitedly.

'I was thinking we should have it as a reunion of his high school class and invite everyone else we know, the more the merrier,' Third was in his element.

'I have found my true calling,' he thought in total bliss.

'Shall I hit him?' Second asked.

'No, unfortunately for us, Third actually knows what he is talking about for once,' First said.

The two Mayuris watched Third twirl and laugh as if he was in his own dream world.

'I think I need a drink,' Second said. He found a bottle of sake and drained it in one gulp.

Third had an amazing ability not to get dizzy by twirling so much.

'I think I need another, if I am going to survive this,' Second said, slurring his words slightly.

First watched his counterpart talk and pat itself on the back. Third was way beyond helping now. He had started drawing up plans and ideas for the catering company.

First glanced at Second.

'Pass me the bottle,' he said to Second.

----

_5 days later_

Ichigo peered into the letter box.

It was mostly bills for his dad, but at the bottom of the pile was a thick pink envelope that looked expensive.

'Who would send me one of these?' he thought, reading his name on the front.

He slit the envelope and took out a heavily embossed, gold edged card.

_KUROSAKI ICHIGO_

_PLEASE GRACE US WITH YOUR PRESENCE AT THE REUNION OF YOUR KARAKURA HIGH SCHOOL CLASS_

_THE REUNION WILL BEGAN AT 7PM ON THE 20__TH__ DECEMBER_

_PLEASE BRING ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND DRESS SMART._

_Ps: Please bring any hot young men or women that you might come across, the more the merrier!_

The card went on to show an address and contact details.

'What the hell is this?' he thought, heading over to the bin. He was about to drop it in when he heard Yuzu call out to him, 'Ichigo, there is someone on the phone for you!'

Ichigo picked up the phone.

'Hello?' he said. His dad's head popped out over the sofa.

'_Hey Ichigo, this is Rukia,' _

''Hi Rukia,' he greeted her. His dad picked this up, his eyebrows shot up. 'A girl, ehhhh,' Isshin thought to himself.

'_I was wandering; did you get one of those invites to a reunion?'_

''Err, yes I did' Ichigo replied. 'I was gonna throw it away.'

'_Oh, ok_,' Rukia sounded disappointed, '_it doesn't matter then_.'

Ichigo hated himself for a moment; he didn't want to disappoint her.

'Rukia, I've changed my mind, why don't we go together,' Ichigo said carefully.

The voice on the other end changed significantly.

'_Really, that's great,'-_ there was commotion on the other end of the phone.

'_Ichigo I have to go, talk to you later bye,' _the phone went dead.

Ichigo sighed in relief. 'This is good,' he thought. His dad vaulted over the sofa and slapped his son on the back.

'Ichigo! I am so proud, today is the day you stopped being a boy and became a man! You are talking to girls, daddy is so proud he thought you were gay…'

Ichigo walked past his dad, leaving him to ramble to himself.

Ichigo glanced at the calendar.

It said: December 18th

* * *

**I apologise but this was slightly rushed because I had to sleep. **

**Goodnight and don't let the bed bugs bite.**


	13. Tomahto or Tomato

Chapter 12

_The mall_

Third couldn't be happier.

He had all the money he wanted.

He didn't have his blockheaded companions with him.

He was also in a department store.

There was a sale on.

Women had swarmed over to the store. They argued over clothes. They snatched away house wares. They clawed at kitchen utensils. Third couldn't have been happier.

He had already bought bags full of party things. He enjoyed the company of other shoppers who obviously appreciated style unlike the other clones. As he sipped coffee from a dainty cup, women would whisper about the striking man sitting not far from them. Little children would stare at his unusual hair. The elderly looked disapprovingly at his clothes and audacity.

'I am truly loved,' he thought, noticing all the stares he was drawing. It didn't last long though because he noticed a familiar, raven haired girl walk through the shop front.

'Oh crap, where did she come from?' Third thought to himself. He left the café area and wandered over to a different aisle.

Rukia entered the shop. She was overwhelmed by the amount of people there.

'Dang, last I came here there weren't so many people,' she thought. She wanted to find a dress for the Christmas party. She didn't want to show it but she was actually very pleased that Ichigo had asked if they could go together, unfortunately Urahara had also seen the invite and had decided to come as well and since Urahara was going so would Yoruichi.

She found the section of the shop that specialised in dresses. She walked down the aisle just as Third left it. Third swore, 'that was close,' he thought.

He winced as he saw Rukia take interest in some of the dresses.

'Not those ones, damn you're trying to grab his attention not get an interview with a damn nunnery!' he said out loud. A mother who was standing next to him heard his words and ushered her children quickly away. Third peered trough the racks of clothing so he could see where Rukia was looking. 'She is so clueless,' Third thought, 'if only she would let me help her, she has such a great figure…'

While Third mused about a certain someone's figure, someone else of significant importance entered the shop.

Ichigo sighed. He hated shopping for clothes. However his dad thought differently and thought it prudent that his only son buy a tuxedo for the Christmas party. Ichigo wasn't too keen on parties either, but since Rukia liked them he thought what the heck.

Third noticed his arrival. 'Sugar plum fairies,' he said loudly, aware that he shouldn't swear with such young children around. Luckily for him though, Ichigo had made his way to the men's department on another floor. Third sighed in relief, the last thing he needed was Ichigo finding out what Rukia was wearing to the party.

To get things moving he selected a dress that he approved on and threw it over to where Rukia was standing. It landed on her head.

Rukia stopped what she was doing. She had gone blind again. She stood there motionless for a few minutes before realising that there was a dress oin her head. In the background Third cringed, 'What the hell is wrong with that girl?' he thought.

Rukia took the item of clothing off her face and examined it, it had a huge dip in the front and no backing, and although it had a nice colour there wasn't much to it unless she wanted to give Ichigo a heart attack. She flung it aside.

Third swore, 'how could she?' He thought over his choice of dress, 'Well it did seem a bit revealing,' he thought. He selected another dress and casually walked over to where Rukia was standing. Without pausing he dumped the dress into Rukia's arms. He sped up and found a chair to spy from.

'What the hell is going on today?' she thought to herself, examining the garment that had been dumped on her. She had to admit that this one was alot more better than the other. She headed over to the fitting rooms.

Third punched the air. Then said to himself, 'Score, one down one to go.'

Third made his way to the men's department, on the way pulling a cashier's shirt that he found draped on the chair he had been sitting on. The name tag said Francoise. He also jammed a bowler hat on to his head to cover his hair.

He found Ichigo looking rather bewildered at the amount of smart clothing in the store. He approached him,

'Do you need any help sir?' he asked.

Ichigo turned towards the voice.

'Err, yeah, I'm looking for a tux,' Ichigo said.

'Well duh,' Third thought he smiled, 'Well of course you are,' Third said, coming off slightly patronising. 'Do you know your measurements?' he asked Ichigo.

Ichigo looked blank. Third sighed, he pulled a measuring tape from his pocket and flicked it like a bull whip.

Ichigo took a step back, scared. 'This guy's a freak, he also looks awfully familier,' he thought.

'Hey do I know you?' Ichigo asked. Third gave a high laugh.

'No, why would I know you, now stand still why I take your measurements.'

In a matter of seconds, Third had calculated what sort of size Ichigo would need. 'Now if you would follow me sir,' he said, not giving Ichigo a chance to reply.

Ichigo followed the guy around the store reluctantly. Third stopped causing Ichigo to walk into him, 'Hey buddy why'd we stop?' Ichigo asked. They had stopped in front of some expensive looking clothes.

'I think this is just right for you,' Third said with flourish. 'It is simple but will also show off your good figure because it is fitted,' Third explained.

Ichigo looked at it. It looked ok to him.

'Yeah thanks I'll take it,' he said and took the tux to the cash register.

'You don't really give a damn what it looks like,' Third thought as Ichigo walked out the store. For some reason this angered Third. A lot.

Third returned to the ground floor to find Rukia queuing at the till. 'I hope she picked the right dress,' Third thought. His cell phone beeped.

Third picked it up.

'Hello?' he said.

'_Yo, it's Second_,' Second replied. '_You've been gone for like four hours, where the hell are you?'_

'Aww Second you really do care about me,' Third sniffed moved by his counterpart's worry, 'I am only at the mall; I've been buying all the stuff needed to decorate the warehouse.'

'I wasn't worried about you,' Second sounded angry on the phone, 'I wanna know whether you were bringing dinner or if I will have to go and get some.'

Third scowled, ' I'm disappointed in you so, no, I won't be bringing dinner back, you'll have to do that yourself,' Third hung up, angry.

----

Back at the warehouse things begun to take the place. The floods had receded and the lights had been fixed. A clear space had been created for a dance floor. The highlight however was the huge Christmas tree that had been placed in the middle of the room.

'Where did you get that tree, it has already got decorations on it?' First asked, getting a bad feeling.

'I took it from the town square.'

'No one noticed?' First asked increduously.

'No, I said I was from the local council and that the tree was a hazard to small children so I towed it away with a truck I borrowed,' Second explained.

'Borrowed, you mean stole,' First said, sighing.

'Hey, you say tomahto, I say tomato,' Second replied.

'I can't people believe fell for that,' First said.

'I don't think many people did but they didn't stop me, maybe it was becasue I was waving an axe around.'

First reached for an open bottle of vodka. 'I don't know why I even talk to you,' he said.

He hoped Third would come back quickly.

* * *

**I don't go dress and skirt shopping becasue I don't like dresses or skirts. I hate them and I don't own any except for my school unifor skirt which is a kilt for girls. So i don't know anything about dresses. I'm a clueless individual. **

**I generally don't like shopping except if it is for food or games and I absolutely abhor shopping for furniture.**

**TALLY HO! See ya next time.**


	14. Learning to Dance, Third Style

* * *

Chapter 13 

_Soul Society_

Yachiru hurried through the winding streets of the Seireitei with only one destination in mind.

She entered the courtyard of the tenth squad. Matsumoto was waiting. Nemu was already there. The group entered the main office.

'So what did you find out,' Matsumoto asked Nemu when Yachiru had made herself comfortable. In Hitsugaya's chair.

'They are planning a Christmas party,' Nemu confirmed. Yachiru and Matsumoto squealed in delight, both thinking the same thing.

'Let's crash this party,' they both shouted.

'Will there be booze?' Matsumoto asked seriously, she had a one track mind.

'Will there be free booze?' Yachiru asked. The two older shinigami looked at their younger friend.

'Wasn't she meant to ask for candy?' Matsumoto thought.

'I hope there will be free booze,' Shunsui said.

All three heads swivelled to find the captain of the eighth squad leaning in the windowsill, wearing his straw hat.

'Err, Taichou, if you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here?' Matsumoto asked. She got the horrible feeling that if Nanao found out that he was here someone was going to get in trouble and get bashed with a big book.

'Eh, well,' he stroked his unshaven face, 'I was just skiving off a meeting, but don't tell Nanao that.'

'Don't tell me what?' Nanao said, entering the office.

'Speak of the devil,' Shunsui thought and with that he quickly left, flash stepping till he reached his own office.

'Didn't I just hear my captain?' she asked her fellow death gods.

'No, you did not, what you heard was the wind whistling through the windows,' Nemu explained. Matsumoto cringed. 'That wasn't a very good cover story,' she whispered to Nemu.

Nanao frowned. 'Ok, if you say so, anyways I heard that Nemu was here and wanted to get an update on how the tasks were coming along.'

'They are planning a Christmas party,' Nemu said.

'Who are?' Nanao asked, not knowing that Mayuri had in fact cloned himself.

'The clones,' Yachiru said getting bored.

'What clones?' Nanao asked, confused.

Matsumoto cut in before Nemu could answer,

'Yeesh, where have you been? Y'know the clones that Mayuri created to send to the real world so he wouldn't have to do as much himself, get with the program sister!'

There was silence.

'You weren't mean to say _that _much, silly,' Yachiru said loudly.

Nanao had a thunder cloud over her head. The three girls shrunk back.

'He… did… what…?' Nanao said the rage inside building up.

'I knew you shouldn't have told her,' Yachiru said, always happy. Steam was emitted from Nanao's ears. Matsumoto looked a little scared.

'We were going to tell you,' Matsumoto assured Nanao but she wasn't listening she was too wrapped up in her own anger.

'We were even going to invite you,' Yachiru piped up.

'Are we even allowed to do that, it's not our party?' Matsumoto asked.

Yachiru pouted, 'that's bad then because I have already invited Ken-chan and all the other captains.'

Nanao's eyes bugged out of her face. 'YOU DID WHAT?!'

'WAAAAAH, Nanao-chan is being mean,' Yachiru hid behind Matsumoto.

'Calm down, madam president,' Nemu said calmly, 'Take deep breaths.'

Nanao did and smoke stopped billowing out of her ears, she still looked angry though.

'Why does she always listen to you?' Matsumoto said.

'I don't know,' Nemu replied.

'At least she's not being mean,' Yachiru said peering out from the safety of Matsumoto.

'Who else is invited to the party?' Nanao asked carefully.

'All the captains and lieutenants, Ikakku and Yumichika,' Yachiru said, counting them off on her fingers.

'Don't forget everyone from Ichigo's high school class,' Matsumoto said.

'I guess I will have to come to make sure everyone behaves,' Nanao sniffed.

Matsumoto and Yachiru cheered, 'Yay, that's the spirit!' they shouted in unison.

Nanao sighed, she really didn't know what she was getting into.

----

_Real world_

'Ichigo, can you dance?' Isshin asked.

'Err, no,' Ichigo replied. His dad face contorted, he looked like he was in pain.

'Are you ok?' his son asked. Isshin sniffed, of course he wasn't ok-his only son was going to a _dance_ with a pretty young girl and he couldn't dance.

'You dishonour the family,' he sobbed.

Ichigo was thinking that this was becoming melodramatic.

'What's so good about dancing anyway?' Ichigo said.

His dad's face grew angry.

'How could you ask such a brutish question, women don't fall for you if you can't serenade their hearts with a good dance,' Ichigo's father explained.

'Do you make this crap up for fun or did someone tell you, because that was utter nonsense,' Ichigo shouted.

'Ichigo you are positively cave man. Don't you think this Rukia will expect a dance form you?' Isshin retorted, still sobbing.

Ichigo pondered this for a moment. Rukia did want to go to the party and this would be her first one so she might want to do the whole shabang.

'Well it can't be that bad, why don't you show me a few steps or something?' Ichigo said, intending to make his father happy but just adding to his father's sobbing.

'Oh my god, I can't believe it, Ichigo has actually asked me for something meaningful,' Isshin looked up and Ichigo was disgusted to see a silly grin plastered onto his father's face.

'Maybe I'll ask someone else…' Ichigo said quietly, stepping out of the house.

'Hold the phone,' Ichigo thought to himself once he was outside. 'I don't know anyone who can dance.'

After a moments deliberation a bright idea came into his head.

'Maybe Urahara will know,' Ichigo said to himself.

----

'What's this, Ichigo, you want to know whether I can teach you to dance?' Urahara asked in mock surprise.

The colour rose in Ichigo's face.

'Err…well…yes…umm, I do because I don't know how to and if Rukia asks then I'll be…' Ichigo trailed off into silence.

'Screwed,' Urahara finished. Ichigo nodded. 'I'm sorry Ichigo but I don't think I can teach you any traditional dances but tell me if you need anything on the more, heh heh, lets say, adult side of dancing because then I can give a few tips.'

Ichigo didn't say anything and just walked backed wards until he was outside the shop. 'What was I thinking, but more importantly, where do I go now?' while Ichigo was thinking this he bumped into someone.

The man had pink hair and golden eyes. Around him women pointed, but Ichigo thought he looked just plain weird.

'Hey I know you,' Ichigo said, ever the genius.

Third swore inside his head. 'What in the blazes is Ichigo doing here,' he wandered.

Before Third could make an excuse Ichigo spoke.

'Do you know how to dance?'

Third was dumbstruck, had Ichigo turned into a gentleman?

'I do,' Third said after a moment of shocked silence.

Ichigo looked relieved.

'Good, because I need you to teach me,' Ichigo said.

'Why should I do that?' Third said.

'Hey, buddy, just teach me how to dance, ok. Then I might hold back on beating you up,' Ichigo replied getting angry.

'Like you could ever take me on,' Third thought. Instead of saying this he said 'What's in it for me?'

Ichigo thought for a moment. 'Umm I don't know, maybe you'll feel good about yourself if you do this.' Ichigo said rather lamely.

Third sighed, Ichigo was really an impossible person.

'Fine I'll do it,' he said, because he had to.

Ichigo looked surprised. 'You will?' he said.

'Yes, but I choose the place where I get to teach you.'

Ichigo thought for a moment, 'Deal.'

----

_Another abandoned warehouse not far from the first abandoned warehouse_

Second watch Ichigo fall for the fifteenth time.

'Damn, this guy sucks,' he whispered to First.

The two had followed Third and Ichigo to a second warehouse not far from their own. Third had chosen this one because their one had been set up for the party later that evening. First and Second had hidden themselves in the rafters which gave them a good vantage point.

'I concur,' First said. Second frowned and said 'Speak normal, no one says 'concur' in the twenty first century.'

'I am surprised you even knew what it meant,' First said. Second clenched a fist, but didn't strike, it would make too much noise.

Down below them Ichigo fell again.

'Come on get up,' Third urged.

Ichigo panted, he felt like he had been in vicious battle with a hollow. He wasn't made for dancing.

'This is too hard,' Ichigo complained.

'Tut tut, Mr Kurosaki, you better step it up otherwise no one is ever going to want to dance with you,' Third chided.

Ichigo got up and took his position with Third. 'Now put your hands here and here,' Third said moving Ichigo's hands. Ichigo's face went red.

Third sighed and Second laughed.

'Ichigo, my dear, it is only my waist not my butt, you could do that but I don't know you very well…'

'All right, I get it lets move on,' Ichigo said and for the first time in that afternoon Ichigo led his way through a dance.

'Well done Ichigo,' Third said after Ichigo had stepped on his foot.

'I'll make a dancer out of you yet.' Ichigo collapsed into a heap breathing heavily.

'You should breathe like that more often it sounds very nice,' Third said, trying to make Ichigo feel better.

Ichigo stopped moving, he looked up, his face smouldering.

Third didn't know whether to be afraid or to be blushing.

Up above in the rafters, Second snorted in disgust. 'What the hell is going on?' he said. He threw the toothpick he was chewing at Third, it hit his cheek and stuck there.

'Umm, there's a toothpick on your face,' Ichigo said, reaching out and plucking it from Third's face. His fingers touched his cheek.

'Oh yeah, do I need to pay you,' Ichigo said, flicking the toothpick away.

'Err… no you don't,' Third said, still feeling Ichigo's fingers on his cheek.

Ichigo looked at Third, 'Ok then, thanks for teaching me how to dance, I guess you're not such a bad gay after all,' Ichigo said.

Third watched him leave, raising his own hand to touch his cheek. His thoughts however were interrupted by Second, who had jumped down form the rafters.

'Would ya' look at that, looks like Rukia has some competition. Since we are like almost brothers and all do you want me to go and eliminate her,' Second asked.

'You just want an excuse to bash someone,' First said, joining them.

Third pouted, 'I do not care for Ichigo at all,' he said haughtily.

'I was just thinking how Rukia is such a lucky girl.'

Second patted him on the back.

'Yeah, whatever you say, you gay.'

* * *

**Writing that chapter was like walking through sludge. Very hard.**

**Anyways I thought it would be fun to have Third teaching Ichigo to dance.**

**I don't know anything about dancing either, so bear with it.**


	15. Memory Lane

* * *

Chapter 14

_Soul Society_

Zeraki was dozing in the fading sunlight. Things were going quite well till Yachiru jumped on him.

'Ken-chan, Ken-chan, guess what?' the pink haired girl said.

Kenpachi grunted and rolled over, nearly squishing his little lieutenant.

'I don't really care,' he said.

'But Ken-chan it's time to go to the party,' Yachiru said, attempting unsuccessfully to roll the big man over. Kenpachi swotted her away with no effort.

'I told you I don't wanna go,' Zeraki moaned.

Yachiru was on the verge of tears and used this to her advantage. She faced Zeraki full in the face showing off her best puppy-dog eyes.

'But Ken-chan everyone else is going and so will Ichigo. There will also be lots of booze and Unohana will be coming,' Yachiru said sweetly.

Kenpachi mulled over these new facts, trying to avoid Yachiru's face.

'Ok, I'll go,' Zeraki said.

'Yay,' Yachiru said climbing on Zeraki's back.

'But I'm only going because I want to beat the crap out of Ichigo,' Zeraki added.

Yachiru ignored that comment. 'Ken-chan everyone has gone to Byakuya's house, let's go and meet them,' she suggested.

'Why are they all there?' Zeraki asked, frowning.

'Well because he said that he would come to the party and everyone wanted to know what he was gonna wear there,' Yachiru said, as if this was obvious.

----

Byakuya looked out of his window.

There was a small crowd.

He frowned nobly.

He opened his wardrobe, looked inside and shut it again.

'I have too many damn clothes,' he thought to himself. Byakuya didn't even want to go to the dance, but the fact that his sister was there meant that he had to act brotherly and make sure Ichigo didn't try anything untoward. He finally settled on what he was going to wear and smiled to himself.

----

Outside the manor, girls whispered. At the front of the crowd stood Matsumoto with Yachiru and Nanao. Mayuri was standing next to them.

'Nemu is late,' he said.

Nemu joined them, the three girls gasped.

Mayuri's mouth widened.

'My, my Nemu-chan, how pretty you look tonight,' Mayuri said creepily, rubbing his hands together.

'Waaaah, Mayuri is acting like a paedophile,' Yachiru cried and hid behind Zeraki.

Kenpachi loomed forward and stopped in front of Mayuri's face.

'I…I… was...just being nice,' Mayuri stuttered.

Zeraki backed off when he saw Nemu who was decked in a dark purple and black dress.

'You look nice,' Zeraki commented in an off hand sort of way.

'Thank you,' Nemu said quietly.

The doors of the manor opened. White light came from inside. A figure came out. It was all rather dramatic.

Byakuya stepped out wearing……

……What he normally wore.

The crowd cringed. Renji was clapping.

'Well done Taichou, you look really cool,' he shouted out.

'Are you implying that I didn't normally look cool,' Byakuya said, looking at Renji.

'Err not at all, umm I was just thinking that-,'

'Forget it, Renji, we have a party to get to,' Byakuya said, smiling.

After they had left the rest of the group stood there in silence.

'That was one hell of a disappointment,' Matsumoto said as the group started to make their way to the Gate.

'Indeed,' Nemu said. Nanao sniffed, 'I don't see why we had to wait there in the cold just to see Captain Kuchiki,' she complained.

'Dang, are you a woman or not because Byakuya is hot stuff if you hadn't notice,' Matsumoto said.

'I think I am going to leave this conversation,' Zeraki said, who had spotted Unohana walking towards the gate.

Nanao's face went red and she stormed off.

'What did I do' Matsumoto asked the others, nonplussed.

'I think you offended her by doubting her femininity,' Nemu said.

'Oh,'

'By the way, where is your captain, shouldn't he be here soon,' Nemu said.

'Oh don't worry I have a feeling he'll make it in time, I think I know where he is anyway,' Matsumoto said.

----

_Elsewhere in the Soul Society_

Hitsugaya paused in front of the door.

He raised his hand to knock.

He hesitated.

The hand fell to his side.

'I have to pull myself together,' he thought.

He raised his hand, the door opened before he could knock. A face peered out from the gloom.

'Toshiro-kun?' Hinamori said, surprised.

'It's actually Hitsugaya Taichou, but I guess I'll let you off since its Christmas,' he corrected. The door widened and he took a good look at her face and was saddened to see that it was unnaturally pale. Hitsugaya cleared his throat.

'Uh, Momo, would you like to go to the dance with me, umm and get some fresh air,'

----

'So, that's where he is,' Yachiru said. They had stopped in front of the Gate.

Kenpachi was waiting for them and said that Byakuya and Renji had already gone.

'Where are Ikakku and Yumichika?' Matsumoto asked Nanao who was ticking names off a list.

'They've already gone through, actually almost everyone's gone through, except Hitsugaya Taichou and Hinamori,' Nanao said.

'Look over there!' Yachiru said. She pointed to a short figure coming towards them.

'Yes that's definitely him,' Nanao said.

'He came alone,' Matsumoto said sadly. 'I guess it didn't go too well,' she thought to herself.

Hitsugaya walked slowly, anger rolling off him in waves.

The conversation replayed itself in his mind. Over and over again.

'_Uh, Momo, would you like to go to the dance with me, umm and get some fresh air,'_

_Hitsugaya felt the blush rise in his cheeks, he thought he saw Momo flush as well. That made him happy, but it didn't last._

'_Toshiro-kun, I would love to but I can't.'_

'_Why not,' he replied, surprised at the refusal._

'_I have to wait for…… I have to wait for Aizen-sama.'_

'_Hinamori, we've talked about his before…' Toshiro started but was cut off._

'_Look I know how you feel, but I know he is coming back, I just know it, he is the kindest man ever and would never intentionally try to hurt someone.' She said defensively._

'_It isn't how I just feel, everyone knows that Aizen was a scheming bastard,' Toshiro retorted, feeling that he was losing control of the situation._

_Momo gasped, 'How could you say such thing?' _

'_Aizen has ruined peoples lives, he twists people, he is cold and unfeeling,' Toshiro argued._

'_Tell me then, who's life has he ruined.' Momo said._

'_Mine, yours, not to mention Matsumoto's,' Hitsugaya said. Momo went quiet when he mentioned Matsumoto._

'_You know he took Gin with him. That has affected her a lot. Now look at her. Why don't you see that? You have to move on. If she can do it why can't you.'_

_Momo seemed to struggling inside, after a moment or two her face went still._

'_Goodnight, Hitsugaya Taichou,' she said and slammed the door in his face._

Hitsugaya sighed. He saw Matsumoto waving at him.

'How does she do it?' he thought. 'How does she go on knowing Aizen has ruined her life?'

He approached the group, but walked straight past them into the Gate, not even pausing when he said to Matsumoto 'How do you move on?'

'What was all that about?' Nanao asked.

'I wouldn't have a clue,' Matsumoto lied.

'Well, we should get going,' Nanao said, leading the rest of the party into the Gate.

Matsumoto hung back until she was on her own. Her captain's question rebounded in her head.

'_How do you move on?'_

'I don't think I have moved on, I'm just good at covering it up,' Matsumoto thought, Gin's face flashed through her head and she sighed.

She whispered his name into the wind.

The wind carried his name far.

Many miles away in another world Gin looked up, there was a sudden gush of cool air. It carried his name.

He heard the voice.

The smile slid off his face, memories stirred.

'Matsumoto.'

* * *

**That took a long time to write.**

**But don't worry the next chapter will finally have the party in it. I think.**

**I was trying to make this chapter sound dramatic rather than humorous.**

**I'm not too sure if I pulled it off though. Please say if I have or haven't because only you people can tell. Thanks. Now I am going to drink some tea.**


	16. Boxers or Briefs,Vodka or Punch?

Chapter 15

'Ichigo, you're going to be late!' Yuzu shouted down the hallway.

Ichigo's head popped out of his doorway.

'Huh, no I'm not, it's only six-thirty,' Ichigo said looking at the clock.

'It's actually seven-thirty, dad changed the clocks back because he thought it was the end of summer,' Karin shouted from her room.

Ichigo swore and went back inside his room, undressing as quickly as possible.

Kon peered out from a chest of drawers.

'Umm Ichigo?' he asked.

'Yeah, what is it?' Ichigo said hurriedly buttoning his shirt.

'I was wandering if you could take me with you, because well you just gave me my legs and arms back and well… I want some fresh air,' Kon said.

'Sure you do,' Ichigo answered and shoved the plushie back into the drawers.

'Oh crap, I'm late,' Ichigo checked the invitation. The party had already started. Before he could dash out of the house his dad stopped him and took a photo of him and Ichigo.

'Dad, I don't have time,' Ichigo said and wrestled his dad away.

'I am so proud of you,' Isshin said and handed a bouquet of flowers to him, tears in his eyes.

'What the hell would I do with flowers,' Ichigo complained.

His dad sighed, 'There're not for you, dumbass, they are for Rukia.'

'Oh,' He took the flowers and it suddenly dawned on him.

'Oh shit, I was meant to pick Rukia up!' Ichigo exclaimed and headed for the door.

'Ichigo wait…' Karin shouted.

But Ichigo had already gone.

'…You forgot to put your trousers on.'

----

Ichigo ran as fast as he could, it was raining. He was running so fast and recklessly that flowers were destroyed in such a way that only one survived. Ichigo cursed but carried on running not stopping till he had made it to Urahara's shop.

He knocked on the door. Rukia opened it, she scowled at him.

She was about to comment on his timing when she caught sight of his lower half. Her face went cherry red.

'Ichigo…' she began.

Ichigo was breathing hard. He straightened himself, took a deep breath and held out the lone flower.

'I started out with a whole bouquet but they kinda got destroyed,' he explained, not giving Rukia a chance to speak. An idea struck him, he lent closer to her causing Rukia to stiffen. He stopped inches from her face.

He reached out and placed the lonely flower in her hair.

Her breathing caught in her chest. His heart missed a beat. It was all very awkward.

'Ichigo, I can see your boxers.'

'Huh,' Ichigo looked down and his face coloured.

'Would ya' look at that,' he said to himself.

Tessai appeared at the doorway, glasses shining.

'Jinta-kun said there was a suspicious man at the door who was not wearing any trousers. Rukia, do you need help disposing of this person?'

'Err no, you don't need to worry, it is only Ichigo,' Rukia explained. She stepped aside and Ichigo entered the house. Tessai picked him up by the neck.

'Young master, what brings you to the house with no clothing on your legs?' he asked Ichigo.

'Umm, me and Rukia were supposed to go to a Christmas party together,' Ichigo explained.

Urahara entered the hallway, he laughed when he saw Ichigo. 'Oh my, Kurosaki-kun, I hope you aren't trying to impress someone,' he said, mockingly.

Ichigo gave him the evils. Urahara's smile widened.

'Why don't you come inside and I'll find something for you to wear,' he suggested.

While they waited, Ichigo noticed what Rukia was wearing.

Yoruichi was watching him, she nudged him with her elbow.

'Umm, Rukia you look nice,' Ichigo said, not looking at her but still blushing.

'He finally noticed,' Rukia thought, 'but he didn't even look at me when he said it.'

Yoruichi sighed and nudged him again, this time winking.

'What bad weather we're having,' Ichigo said, inspiration failing him.

Yoruichi cringed and fell backwards.

Rukia and Ichigo looked at her.

'She's dead,' Rukia said.

'Dang, what a shame,' Ichigo said.

Urahara burst into the room and went straight to Yoruichi.

'Oh my god, I sensed something had happened but I didn't know what,' Urahara said, kneeling beside his fallen friend.

'One minute she was nudging Ichigo and the next minute she was on the floor,' Rukia explained.

'You noticed the nudging,' Ichigo said.

'It was kinda hard not to,' She said.

'Maybe I'll have to give her mouth to mouth,' Urahara said quietly.

'NO!' Ichigo and Rukia shouted together.

'Just leave her alone, she'll get up on her own, and anyways have you found me some clothes?' Ichigo said, prodding the prone Yoruichi with his foot.

'Huh, oh yes I did, I'm sorry if you don't like them but they are the only ones I have in your size,' Urahara said.

He showed Ichigo the clothes.

'They're just plain shinigami robes,' Ichigo said, unimpressed.

'I know, but black goes with almost every occasion, so it doesn't really matter.' Urahara said.

'Whatever,' Ichigo said and went into another room to change. Rukia looked at the clock on the wall; it said eight 'o clock.

She sighed. 'Our first dance and we are already late by a whole hour,' she thought to herself, 'I wander what everyone is doing?'

----

_Abandoned warehouse- party venue_

'Where the hell are they?' Third thought. He was standing near the entrance collecting guest's invitations.

Then the Soul society crew turned up.

'Dear god,' he thought to himself.

Kenpachi was at the head of the group.

Third thought it was pointless to ask him for an invitation.

Zaraki patted him on the back.

'We were all invited by word of mouth so we don't have any invitations, that a problem?' he said to Third.

'Nossir,' Third said and opened the doors to them. He caught sight of Nemu and pulled her to him.

'Who the hell invited these people?' Third asked her as Ikakku passed him.

'Yachiru did,' Nemu replied.

'Oh, that explains a lot,' Third said. He saw what Nemu was wearing.

'Oh wow, my dear Nemu, you are looking most exquisite tonight,' he exclaimed and gave her a huge hug.

'Thank you,' Nemu said, she hadn't felt like this before, ever, it was a feeling she would've like to feel more often. She returned his hug.

'Thank you,' she said again.

Third led her into the warehouse.

'Where are the other clones?' she asked him.

'Huh what?' he replied taking his eyes away from the scene in front of him. Zeraki had broken open a crate of wine and was downing bottles as if they were glasses.

Nemu repeated the question.

'Oh, I told them not to come because they don't suit parties like I do,' Third said. He took her hand and said,

'Forget them and dance with me.'

'But I don't know how,' Nemu protested. Third laughed. 'If I can teach Ichigo how to dance then I can certainly teach you,' he assured her.

Elsewhere near the food table, Tatsuki was stuffing her face. 'This is much better than Orihime's cooking,' she thought. The two girls were roommates, which was handy since they went to the same collage. She turned around and bumped into an older guy, who had what looked suspiciously to Tatsuki like the number 69 tattooed on his face.

'Err… sorry,' she started, wiping food form her mouth.

Shuhei Hisagi faltered when he saw the girl he had bumped into, she was pretty in a tom-boyish way.

'Ummm, no it was my fault sorry, err lemme get you a drink,' he said quickly.

'Huh? Err ok' she said, not really keeping up with the conversation. Shuhei smiled and went off in search of drinks, she watched him leave, her mouth hanging open.

Inoue saw her friend talking to the lieutenant of the ninth squad and went over there.

'Tatsuki, were you talking to Shuhei Hisagi,' Inoue asked.

'I guess so,' her friend replied. 'So that's his name,' Tatsuki thought.

'He never went to our school, though,' she said to Orihime.

'I know, but there are lots of people who never went to our high school class who are here,' Inoue said, pointing to Keigo's sister who was ogling at Ikakku's bald head. 'Actually,' she said, 'Most of the people here aren't from our school.'

Hisagi returned with punch, Inoue slunk away casting mischievous eyes at Tatsuki. He handed a glass over bashfully.

From across the room Ishida watched Inoue slink away. He sighed. Someone nudged him. The person wore a large pink overcoat and was wearing an oddly fashioned straw hat.

'You ain't gonna get anywhere by just looking,' Shunsui said helpfully.

Ishida's eyes narrowed. 'I don't think I need a drunk's help,' he said, wary of the wine bottle Shunsui was waving about.

'Hey, fine then, but seriously, just talk to her, I bet you haven't talked in ages, I'm sure there's lots to catch up on-'Shunsui squealed in pain as Nanao dragged him away by his ear.

She turned to Ishida. 'I know he's a drunk and all but in situations like these he's normally right,' she said before walking away with her captain.

Ishida sighed. 'If only it was that simple,' he thought to himself. He remembered when they were in the Soul Society, Inoue smiled a lot, it was just a shame he wasn't the one who caused those smiles.

Shunsui watched Ishida form behind the tree, Nanao stood next to him.

'I can't believe you said I was right,' Shunsui said, 'If only Ukitake was here to here that, it's just a shame he's too ill.'

'I said normally, sometimes you just spout out nonsense,' Nanao said.

'Aww come on, I'm not that bad.'

'No you're not,' Nanao thought to herself.

There was a smashing sound that signalled that Zeraki's wine rampage was still going on. He had now broken into the second crate of wine bottles. Yachiru was sitting on a chair behind him, looking sulky. Zeraki had forbidden her any wine or spirits; she was only allowed to drink the fruit punch. Yachiru caught sight of an unattended bottle of vodka, an idea formed in her mind. She slid off her seat and tiptoed over to the vodka, she snatched the bottle and stowed it in her shinigami robes. She made her way over to the punch bowl. She cackled devilishly as she poured the vodka into the punch.

Zaraki looked over his shoulder, wandering where Yachiru had gotten to. He saw her spooning herself a glass of punch and smiled. 'She's a good girl really,' he thought, and reached into the crate for some more wine.

Matsumoto watched as her friends mingled with the crowd. Normally she would have been the centre of attention, but today she just didn't feel like it. She wandered if she had done the right thing.

'Maybe I am making things worse,' she thought ', Damn, what I need is some alcohol.'

She watched bemused as Third waltzed past her with Nemu, who had picked up the moves surprisingly easy.

'What I _really _need is a guy,' she said to herself, but the one she wanted wasn't there.

Keigo Asano watched from the corner of his eye. He had never seen this big-breasted beauty before. He made his way over, trying to look casual but coming off a little drunk.

'Hey, there-,' he started.

Matsumoto flicked her wrist, Keigo went flying.

'Sorry not interested,' she said.

Her captain stood not far off. He watched his lieutenant leaning against the wall, watching happy people do happy things.

'I shouldn't have bought up Gin,' he thought. His mind flashed briefly on Hinamori's face. 'Dang, I'm such a screw up.'

He turned away bumping into someone.

The person looked at him: a girl, only slightly taller than him.

'Hinamori?' Toshiro said, shocked.

'Toshiro-kun,' Momo replied.

'Umm, I thought you weren't coming,' Hitsugaya said, still getting over his surprise.

'Toshiro-kun, I just wanted……wanted to…… say how sorry I am!' she gushed.

She threw her arms around him.

He took a step backwards.

Matsumoto watched as Hitsugaya awkwardly returned the hug.

'Well, score for me,' she thought. 'Now I'm the only one alone, I really am too nice for my own good sometimes.'

'Matsumoto told me to come,' Hinamori said, still clutching Toshiro's back.

'And you listened to her?' he asked.

'I said I didn't want to come,'

'Oh,'

'But then she dragged me to the Gate,' Hinamori finished.

Hitsugaya smiled, silently thanking the good nature of his lieutenant.

Mayuri stood to one side of the room. He was taking notes.

'I am getting some valuable research information about the primitive natures of man,' he thought to himself. For the first time in his life he didn't really know what to do. He had never been to parties before. Nobody ever invited him.

He wandered why.

Nemu broke away from Third. She approached her captain.

'Nemu-chan, are you enjoying yourself?' he asked her, he had learned that small questions like these were a formality and were expected to be said.

'Yes, I am,' Nemu replied, knowing that her captain didn't really care.

Nemu paused.

'Mayuri-sama, would you like to dance,' she asked, carefully.

'HUH,' her captain.

'I can promise you it will be enjoyable,' she said, assuring him and because he couldn't say no she took his hands and pulled him onto the dance floor.

Third gave her the thumbs up. Nemu smiled at him. People gathered at the dance floor to watch the pretty girl teach the strange clown man to dance. His usually creepy face was now contorted; he tripped over his own feet.

'He looks kinda constipated,' someone in the crowd said.

'Amen to that,' someone else added.

Nemu held out her hand to the fallen captain. Mayuri thought about swatting it away but then again he didn't want to violate the first task.

He stood up again and Nemu put her hands on his shoulder and side.

Mayuri stood there, unmoving.

'You have to put your hands here and here,' she instructed.

He did.

'See, now you have to lead,' she said.

'Why do I have to do it?' Mayuri asked.

'Just because,' Nemu said.

For the first time in his life Mayuri waltzed.

It was all going rather well.

He tripped.

He fell.

On Unohana.

Zaraki turned his head away from the wine crate.

He did not like what he saw.

He swaggered over, drawing his zanpaktou.

He looked quite impressive, but then he too fell, his drunken state confusing his sense of balance.

He flopped onto Mayuri.

Unohana groaned under the combined weight of both men and passed out.

'It's a Mayuri sandwich,' someone said.

'Someone help me!' Mayuri screeched from under the unconscious Zaraki.

Nemu crouched beside her captain.

'Mayuri-sama, Zaraki is unconscious and no one can lift him,' she explained.

'I could revert back to a liquid state,' Mayuri thought to himself.

He was about to do so when Kira slipped on some spilt punch, for some reason he had his zanpaktou out.

His sword gently thumped Zaraki's back.

Mayuri groaned as Zaraki' already huge body doubled in weight and squished him more.

People gathered to see the three captains piled on top of each other.

'Now we're never going to lift Zaraki,' Shunsui said, pouring himself another drink.

'Yes, but you never intended to help, did you,' Nanao said.

'You know me too well,' her captain thought, smiling.

Komamura lumbered over. He heaved at Zaraki. He didn't budge. On the second attempt however, he did manage to roll the unconscious captain off the others.

The crowd gasped.

Mayuri's spine looked wonky. Nemu helped him stand up. People winced as every vertebrae in his spine cracked.

'Nemu-chan, this is the last time I go dancing,' he said, he limped away, his back still not looking straight.

'What about Unohana?' Nanao asked.

'Umm, she looks kinda flat,' Yachiru said, she prodded the captain with a pointy stick.

'Where'd she get that stick from?' Nanao asked Nemu.

'I think she always keeps one, just in case scenarios like these come up,' Nemu said.

'Oh.'

Others watched amused as Komamura attempted to roll Zaraki to a corner where he wouldn't be disturbed.

'That's one hell of a fox,' someone said.

'Yeah, somehow I can't imagine him being road kill,' another person added.

'I think I drank too much,' the first person said.

'Yeah but you have only been drinking the punch which isn't alcoholic,' the second person said unaware of Yachiru's tampering.

'Maybe I'm just going crazy.'

Unohana's eyes opened.

She frowned.

'I feel like a great weight has been pressed against me, roughly the weight of two Zaraki's and a Mayuri,' she said.

'Dang, she's good,' Shunsui said.

Third turned away from the mess at the dance floor, wondering where the hell Rukia and Ichigo were.

His watch said 9 'o clock.

* * *

**This is one whopper of a chapter, for me anyway. This was like double the size of my normal chapters.**

**It took like three days to write but there was so much to talk about.**

**Renji and Byakuya will appear in the next chapter with Ichigo and Rukia.**

**I tried to fit everyone in, I'm not sure if I got everyone in there though.**

**Please tell me who I might have forgotten.**

**Thanks**


	17. Mistletoe Miscalculations

* * *

Chapter 16 

_Another world_

The man rose, walking slowly.

He left his world in search of another.

He hoped he would find it in time

----

_Party venue_

Ichigo and Rukia stopped outside the warehouse doors, breathless.

'At least we got here,' Ichigo said, panting.

'True,' Rukia replied, clutching a stitch at her side.

'I guess, I'm just glad that Urahara and Yoruichi didn't come,' Ichigo said.

'Yeah, it's a good thing Yoruichi hasn't woken up yet, it's wierd how Urahara wouldn't leave her.'

Third spotted them and made his way over.

Ichigo stared.

'What the hell are you doing here?' he asked.

'I am the one who is hosting this party,' Third answered. 'What the hell took you so long?'

'Well, it all started when Ichigo's dad turned the clocks back, then Ichigo ran all the way to pick me up but didn't have any trousers on…' Rukia explained, but was cut off by Ichigo.

'Yeah, I think he's heard enough,' Ichigo said and led her inside.

They stood motionless in the doorway.

'Good lord,' Rukia said.

Third caught up with them. 'I forgot to tell you that most of the captains and lieutenants are here, but on the bright side all of Ichigo's high school friends are here.'

'Great,' Ichigo muttered. 'I'm starving, so I'm gonna head over to the food table,' he said, and with that he left, leaving Rukia alone with Third.

'Did he really have to wear shinigami robes?' Third asked her.

'They were the only clothes that fit him,' she said, watching in amusement as Ichigo was tackled by Keigo.

'I see,' Third said, but had to admit that Ichigo looked eye catching whatever he wore.

'I need to think about something else,' he thought to himself and wandered over to the wine table.

Orihime caught sight of Rukia and hurried over.

'Rukia! I haven't seen you in, like, ages. What brings you to the dance?' she asked.

'Err, well I was invited, I came with Ichigo,' Rukia explained.

Rukia wandered if she was imagining things but she thought she saw the orange haired girl's smile dim a little.

'I came with Tatsuki, but I don't know where she's gone,' Inoue said, looking around the warehouse.

'Oh, I saw her a minute ago with someone who looked like Shuhei Hisagi,' Rukia said.

'Oh, do you know why all the shinigami are here,' asked Inoue.

'Nope,' Rukia said. Both girls lapsed into silence for a while. Inoue saw Ishida moping in a corner.

'Please excuse me, but I just saw Ishida-kun, so I am going to say hi,' Inoue said, once again leaving Rukia alone. 'Well, that was awkward,' Rukia thought.

A drunk stumbled up to her. Rukia didn't recognise him.

'D'ya wanna leave this crappy party with me,' he slurred. Rukia felt repulsed. Inside she thought 'Puh-leeze, I have better things to do than go out with a bozo like you.' Instead of saying this though she said 'Err, no.'

He put his arm around her shoulders. Rukia blinked. The drunk disappeared from sight.

Rukia's eyes were almost popping out of her head. 'Ohmygod. Where the hell did he go?' she thought.

Byakuya had been watching his sister intently as soon as she had arrived with that boy.

He was not impressed when he left her alone to go and get food. He was not impressed when Ichigo failed to notice the guy harassing his sister.

He was not impressed by the fact that he himself had to fix the problem.

He walked calmly towards the youth. The drunk put his arm around his sister's shoulders. He flicked a wrist. The man disappeared from view and crashed into a wall on the opposite side of the room.

'Nii-sama?' Rukia said, surprised. 'Where is Ichigo?' she asked him.

'Not saving you,' Byakuya bluntly said.

'Not saving her from what,' Ichigo said carrying drinks for him and Rukia.

'It does not matter now, Ichigo Kurosaki,' Byakuya said, he gave him a look that said 'I'm watching you-always'. He walked away leaving Rukia and Ichigo to ponder over what had just happen. Ichigo handed Rukia's drink over.

'What did you need saving from?' Ichigo asked, looking at her.

'Nothing,' Rukia mumbled. She heard Ichigo sigh. His stomach rumbled.

'We got here so late that all the good food is gone,' Ichigo said grumpily. Rukia laughed at him, and then her stomach rumbled. It was Ichigo's turn to laugh.

The lights dimmed. A disco ball descended from the ceiling.

Third's voice boomed over invisible speakers saying:

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are now entering the final stage of our evening together, please find a partner and head over to the dance floor where we will end this night with some dancing.'

Rukia looked at Ichigo. Shyness enveloped them. For some reason Ichigo found it harder to speak.

'Rukia, do you want to dance?' he said finally, holding out his hand.

'Umm. I do,' she said, taking his hand and smiling bashfully.

Byakuya watched from a distance. He saw her smile, it reminded him of painful memories where someone who was not unlike Rukia would smile at him the same way too. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe Ichigo had found a Hisana. It was just a shame that Ichigo's Hisana was Byakuya's little sister.

He watched in silence as Ichigo stepped on Rukia's foot, she grimaced but still laughed at him. Byakuya looked away.

Renji was watching his captain thoughtfully. Renji watched too as he saw Rukia and Ichigo dance. He frowned. He knew there wasn't anything he could really do or say to make his captain feel better.

'Renji get ready to leave,' Byakuya said.

They were just about to leave when Yachiru being Yachiru, stuck her foot out at Rukia and Ichigo. Ichigo tripped.

He fell.

On top of Rukia.

People stopped what they were doing.

There was quiet.

Ichigo looked down, met Rukia's eyes.

'You're kinda heavy,' she said, her eyes not moving from his.

His body felt like it was on autopilot; that he was just along for the ride. He shifted his weight and lent in a little closer. Rukia felt her heart beat faster; she saw his face come a little closer. She moved her head slightly upwards.

A shadow fell across the pair.

Ichigo looked up

Right into the face Byakuya Kuchiki.

'Hello, Kurosaki Ichigo.'

----

'I made it,' he thought. He walked towards the warehouse.

'I wonder if I am in time,' he said to himself.

'I wonder if she will be there, waiting.'

----

Ichigo's face went red.

'What are you doing, Kurosaki?' Byakuya asked.

Ichigo had the horrible feeling that Byakuya had already made his opinions about what happened.

'Umm… I tripped onto Rukia,' Ichigo explained and quickly added 'It was an accident.'

Byakuya had a hint of a smile around his face.

'Well then, Ichigo Kurosaki, if it was indeed an accident, maybe you should have gotten off Rukia by now,' he said calmly.

'This guy's enjoying every moment,' Ichigo thought.

'That's…that's a good idea,' Ichigo said and stood up.

'I was about to leave you two alone, but I see that was a mistake, I will not make it again, remember that Ichigo,' Byakuya said.

Everyone was silent.

Zaraki snored.

'He always gets the wrong end of the damn stick,' Ichigo said to Rukia after Byakuya had left.

'That's true,' Rukia said, feeling that their moment had been ruined.

'You still wanna dance,' Ichigo said.

'I guess so.'

So they danced.

After a while Third's voice boomed over the speakers once again:

'We are now coming to the last dance, please grab a partner and head to the dance floor.'

Momo looked at Toshiro. It was dark but Hitsugaya thought he saw her blush.

'Maybe this evening won't be so bad,' he thought.

Matsumoto subtly poked him from inside the huge Christmas tree.

'Do you wanna dance?' Toshiro asked Momo grumpily.

Momo blushed while nodding. Hitsugaya led her to the dance floor. Before they could take their positions, Toshiro felt the back of his collar being pulled and he was wrenched from the dance floor.

'What the-,' was all he managed to say.

Mayuri had been watching the captain of the tenth division for quite some time. For once he noticed that he was short and that his date was taller than him.

Mayuri frowned in thought. 'Maybe if I do something nice for him, everyone will like me more, I might even get invited to a party, and anyways I need a test subject,' he said to himself.

He watched, waiting for the right moment. It came unexpectedly just after Hitsugaya led Momo to the dance floor. Without thinking Mayuri grabbed the youth and dragged him into the shadows.

'Pssst,' Mayuri whispered.

'Mayuri, I should've known,' Toshiro said. 'What in God's name do you think you're doing!?'

'Well, I was thinking that I had to make people like me. And while thinking this I noticed that you were really short,' Mayuri answered.

'Is that meant to make me like you?' Toshiro snapped, unimpressed.

'No, but I realised that if you are going to dance with someone you should be taller than them…' Mayuri explained, he reached into the depths of his robes and produced a small pill.

Toshiro examined it. 'What does it do?' he asked cautiously.

'It makes you grow tall,' Mayuri said simply.

'You're twisted, Mayuri,' he replied, thinking of a distant summer where Hinamori had instructed him never to take anything off strangers or creepy men.

'It wears off after a while,' Mayuri assured him.

Hitsugaya thought for a moment. He did want this night to be special for Hinamori. What better that giving her a good dance? He eyed Mayuri suspiciously. 'And you're sure it's safe?' he asked. Mayuri nodded eagerly.

In fact Mayuri had never tested this pill before; he hadn't had a chance because he hadn't found a willing test subject.

Toshiro popped the pill into his mouth. It tasted nasty. He gagged. He stumbled over to the punch bowl and downed three glasses in a row.

The punch tasted funny.

He found Hinamori waiting for him on the dance floor. She looked at him up and down.

'Toshiro-kun, have you gotten taller?' she asked.

Hitsugaya looked at himself, his head felt like it was spinning, 'Umm, I guess I have.'

Not wanting to dwell on the mysterious circumstances that had made him tall, he took Hinamori's hands in his own and proceeded to dance.

Matsumoto watched from inside the tree. 'Dang, did he just have a growth spurt?,' she thought, as she looked at the considerably taller Toshiro dance with Momo. Matsumoto dragged herself out of the tree, taking a few leaves with her as well. She looked at the dance floor. Everyone was dancing. Ichigo with Rukia, Tatsuki with Shuhei, Mayuri, his spine still bent, with Nemu, Toshiro with Momo and Ishida with Inoue.

The only people who weren't dancing were Zaraki, Unohana and Nanao But they were understandable.

'Why am I suddenly all alone,' she sighed.

'Maybe I can help,' soemone said.

Matsumoto stiffened. She recognised the voice.

'Gin.'

She turned to see her old friend smiling at her.

'Am I drunk?' she asked Gin.

'No, I am real,' he said, laughing.

She slapped him. Gin stopped laughing.

'Oh, I guess you _are_ real,' Matsumoto said. She slapped him again, harder.

'Hey what was that for?' Gin said, feigning hurt.

'What the hell are _you_ doing here?!' she demanded. 'You're like a traitor to the whole of the Soul Society and if anyone saw you…'

Gin covered her mouth with his hand.

'Shhh. I only came because you called,' he answered simply. 'And anyways, I haven't seen ya' in a long time,' he added, he saw the greenery in his friend's hair, 'Me likey the new look you've got going, very natural,' he said, picking leaves out of her hair.

Matsumoto's mouth moved but no words came out.

Gin smiled when he saw her face, he didn't have much time.

'You wanna dance?' he said, holding out his hands.

----

Momo thought Hitsugaya was being quite forward

Hitsugaya wasn't quite sure what he was doing.

He had somehow managed to place both his arms around Momo's waist. He hadn't realised till now how close they were standing. He felt dizzy and light headed. He thought he saw Gin dancing with Matsumoto.

'Damn, I must be going crazy,' he thought to himself.

'Toshiro-kun, was that Gin dancing with Matsumoto?' Momo aksed.

'Phew, at least I'm not a crazy,' he sighed in relief.

Momo frowned, 'Who's a crazy?' she asked.

'Err no one,' Hitsugaya said quickly.

'What's he doing with Matsumoto? Shouldn't we stop him?' she asked.

Toshiro looked into the eyes of his lieutenant. They were different somehow, in a way he couldn't fully describe.

They seemed to be in a world of their own.

'No, let her have this dance,' he said.

----

Mayuri thought that he was having fun.

Nemu was thinking that this is what having a father was like.

Mayuri's spine had straightened out slightly which had allowed him to dance better. Since he was no veteran of dancing he copied what everyone else was doing. Unfortunately for him though the pair next to him consisted of Nanao and Shunsui.

'I can't believe I let you do this,' Nanao puffed.

'Aww, Nanao-chan, just lighten up a little,' her Captain replied and with that he put one arm around her waist and pulled her closer. Nanao was forced to put her arm around his shoulder.

'Should I file for sexual harassment?' she thought to herself, her face going redder.

Unknown to her, Shunsui Kyoraku had the uncanny ability to guess what was on other people's minds, although he never really made good use of this skill, he found that it had always worked on his ever strict lieutenant.

'That wouldn't be very nice now would it?' he told her, watching in amusement as her face went even redder.

'Eh, Taichou, did you just read my mind?' she asked.

Her captain made a non committal shrug. 'Maybe.'

'Come on, just have some fun, I read your diary y'know, I know you like dancing,' he said.

Shunsui wasn't sure if she was blushing or if she was just angry.

'YOU DID WHAT!?' she shouted.

People's heads turned their way.

Nanao sighed. 'Well if you read my diary, you would know that I wrote that I had a pompous ass as my captain,' she said.

'Yeah, I wonder who that git might be,' Shunsui said to himself. Nanao looked as if she had high enough blood pressure to give herself a heart attack.

Luckily, Shunsui noticed this.

He gave her an easy smile. 'Hey, just enjoy the moment, okay. Stop thinking for a moment.'

Nanao felt as if she had migraine coming on. She took a deep breath not unlike a swimmer about to dive. She lent her head on her captain's chest, closed her eyes and stopped thinking.

There was a faint smile playing about her lips as she heard his heartbeat.

Mayuri watched in interest. He put an arm around Nemu's waist and pulled her closer.

'Mayuri-sama,' Nemu said, adjusting her arm. 'What are you doing?'

'Err… father-daughter bonding and please call me Mayuri,' Mayuri said.

'Oh,' said Nemu who didn't have a clue what father daughter bonding consisted of.

They danced for a while like this in silence.

Something fell from the roof onto Nemu's head.

They stopped dancing.

Mayuri picked it up off her head. It was a small branch, it had green leaves and white berries.

He was about to throw it away when Nemu stopped him.

'It's mistletoe,' she said quietly.

'That's nice,' Mayuri replied and made to throw it again.

Nemu stopped him. 'It's special at Christmas,' she explained.

'Uh-huh,' Mayuri said and held the small branch up to the light.

'Uh-oh, now you have to kiss her,' Shunsui said, who had been watching them on his own for quite a while. Nanao had left in a huff because Shunsui's hand 'accidentally' slipped from her waist to a little lower.

'I have to what?' Mayuri said, not hearing over the music.

'I said you have to kiss her,' Shunsui said loudly. 'I thought this guy was meant to have supersonic hearing,' he thought.

'We're gonna what?' Mayuri said, still not hearing.

'I SAID YOU HAVE TO BLOODY KISS HER!' Shunsui shouted.

'Ah, that's better,' Mayuri said.

He blinked.

'I have to what?!' he screeched.

'Would you stop saying that,' Shunsui sighed.

There was silence. Everyone was looking at Nemu and Mayuri.

'I feel sorry for the girl,' someone said.

'Yeah, that dude is just plain creepy,' someone else added.

'But I don't want to kiss her,' Mayuri said.

'Thank God for that,' an anonymous person said.

'Well you got to,' Shunsui said. 'Get with the Christmas spirit, 'cause if you don't kiss her I will.'

Nanao heard this and felt it prudent to drag her captain away.

'Awww, Nanao-chan were you jealous, because if you were I wouldn't mind kissing you either,' her captain said.

'No thank you.'

Shunsui sighed.

A spotlight had fixed itself upon Mayuri and Nemu.

'It's only on the cheek, Mayuri-sama,' Nemu said.

Mayuri thought over this for a moment.

He lent forward.

Just at that moment thought Kira came running through asking if anyone had seen his zanpaktou.

He slipped and pushed Mayuri forward.

Too much forward.

Nemu nearly fell with the weight of her captain against her, but she had other things to think about.

His mouth touched hers.

Someone was sick in the background.

'Oh my,' Shunsui said.

Mayuri stood up. If he could blush his face would be the colour of fire-engines after car wash day. Big, shiny and red.

Nemu however could blush. She felt rather light headed.

----

Third swore in the background.

'Damn,' he thought, 'The mistletoe was meant to fall on Ichigo and Rukia!'

* * *

**To be honest I don't think this chapter is that good.**

**But what do I know. There was just too much to write about.**

**Darn it. More ichiruki in the next chapter.**


	18. Christmas Kisses

**I am changing the story slightly. Please look at the Background Chapter for more info.**

* * *

Chapter 17

'Why does Kira always have to muck things up?' Renji asked.

Once the clock struck midnight the party ended. The group of lieutenants were walking back to a Gate which would transport them home. The only lieutenant not present was Kira himself because he had in fact been sent home early before he could cause any more damage.

'Well he did kinda worship Gin and when Gin went and did a runner, he was pretty devastated, I think he's kind of lost his way,' Shuhei said.

'I can relate to that,' Matsumoto said.

Shuhei turned towards his friend. 'Oh, uh, sorry, maybe I shouldn't have brought up Gin,' he apologised.

'Oh don't worry, I haven't thought about him in a long time. It's about time I got over him,' Matsumoto assured him. Unfortunately for her though, Hinamori had caught the expression on her face. She dragged her aside.

'Wait a minute, didn't I see you dancing with Gin just now,' Momo asked.

Matsumoto was stumped for a moment. 'Err, no maybe you saw me dance with someone who looked like him,' she replied weakly.

Hinamori gave her one of those looks that told you that she wasn't buying it. She raised her eyebrows. Matsumoto faltered, for a moment she remembered Gin leaving her, again.

----

_Half an hour earlier_

_Gin broke away, the dance over. _

_She followed him outside._

'_I have to go,' he said finally, they were both looking at the moon which was half covered with clouds._

'_Why?' was all she could bring herself to say._

'_You and I both know I was not meant for your world,' he said. 'My time here was always limited.'_

'_So you came knowing you would just have to leave again,' Matsumoto said, her anger building. 'Do I mean so little to you that you can come waltzing, quite literally, in and out of my life whenever you want?' she shouted at him._

'_Yes.'_

_Gin turned away so she would not see his face that betrayed him; there was no longer a wide smile. Matsumoto stood, shocked._

_Gin sighed, this was the only way. They meant too much to each other. He had to make her forget._

'_Who knew lying to her would be so darn painful,' he thought ruefully. He started to walk away. Matsumoto watched, silently fuming. She had made her mind up._

_Before he could take another step, she stopped him. Matsumoto threw her arms around Gin. She squeezed tight._

'_Ummm, you're kinda squishing me,' Gin said._

'_Oh shut up you silly man. Sometimes you're such a jerk and you know what. You are really bad at lying.' she said, her head on her shoulder._

_He felt the hot tears on his neck. 'You're right. I am a bad liar, but only to you though,' he said softly._

'_Don't go,' she breathed. He squeezed her gently._

'_I have to,' each word pained him more than the last._

'_Stay… stay a little longer,' she said. He obliged. Matsumoto hated herself for crying. She hated herself for showing signs of weakness._

_They stayed like this for a whole ten minutes._

_It started to snow. Flakes fell slowly. Nothing moved._

'_I,' Gin started, he felt the lump in his throat rise, 'I have to go now.'_

_Matsumoto stiffened. _

'_Please…Please don't forget me,' she said._

_Gin kissed her lips._

'_Never.'_

_----_

Hinamori waved her hand in front of her friend's face. She didn't move.

'Err Matsumoto?'

The woman in question blinked, snapping out of her revere.

'Hmmm… yes?' Matsumoto said in a way that Momo could only describe as distant. 'We were talking about Gin, remember?' Hinamori said.

Matsumoto's eyes cleared. 'Oh yeah, I did dance with him,' she said.

Momo blinked. 'You did?' she said.

'Yep, but he's already left so don't go looking for him.'

'I wasn't going to, Toshiro-kun said not to bother you about it, but I was worried about you,' Momo explained.

'Did he now,' Matsumoto thought, respect for her captain growing ten-fold.

'He always acts grumpy but has his heart in the right place,' she thought as she hurried to catch up with the others.

----

_Abandoned warehouse_

'I could've got laid tonight,' Second complained, collecting empty wine bottles.

The clones had returned to clean up the mess left behind. The mess mostly consisted of empty wine bottles scattered around the huge room.

'I forgot to tell you,' First said.

'Forgot to tell me what?' Second asked, depositing the empty wine bottles into a crate.

'That you're not going to complete the fourth task.'

There was silence.

'Why not?' Second finally asked.

'The Soul Society believes that you may resort to using violence or do something illegal to complete the task,' First explained.

Second thought about this for a moment, 'Fair dooze,' he said after a while.

Third joined the conversation. 'So who will be carrying the task out?' he asked.

'The real Mayuri,' First answered.

There was stunned silence that would have gone well with Beethoven's symphony No.5.

'WHAT!? Where's the logic on that? The real Mayuri will definitely have to do something illegal to get laid. I don't know if you have seen the guy recently but he isn't the sort of person you can describe as easy on the eyes,' Second shouted at First.

First put up both his hands. 'Hey don't get angry at me, I'm not the one who made this up.'

Second grunted.

Third tried to diffuse the tension. 'I think the punch has been spiked,' he said sniffing the punch bowl. 'That would explain a lot of things that happened tonight.'

'Like what?' Second said distractedly.

'Like when Hitsugaya was dancing with Hinamori, he was being quite forward,' Third said.

'You mean the little, grumpy, white-haired kid,' Second said incredulously.

'Yep, except he wasn't little for some reason,' Third said.

'What happened between Ichigo and Rukia?' First asked.

'Oh they arrived like two hours late and Ichigo wasn't even wearing the clothes I chose, he wore damn shinigami robes,' Third said, irritably.

'I don't care what he wore,' First snapped. 'I want to know if there were any developments in their situation.'

Third thought for a moment.

'Well there was that time when Ichigo fell on Rukia…' Third said.

'And?' First asked impatiently, he wondered how Second stopped himself from hitting Third every time he spoke.

'Well things were getting pretty heated up, but then Byakuya broke them up.'

'Damn.'

'Exactly,' Third agreed.

'What were they all doing here?' Second asked.

'Yachiru invited them all,' Third answered.

'Go figure,' Second thought to himself. 'Good thing too. I didn't think anyone would come if the real Mayuri invited them. He doesn't exactly look like he knows how to have a good time,' he thought.

First stepped on a small branch of mistletoe. He picked it up and made to throw it away, Third stopped him.

'Don't throw that away, it has great sentimental value,' he said.

First gave him his best blank expression.

'I mean it signifies our little Nemu's first kiss,' Third said.

'Oh, who was it with?' First asked.

'Mayuri,' Third said casually.

First dropped the branch.

'Ewwww, how the hell did that happen?' Second asked.

Third explained. First couldn't help but feel sorry for Nemu.

----

Ichigo and Rukia had been walking in silence. The street was dark. Officially Ichigo was walking Rukia home. Unofficially Ichigo was just having some alone time with her without Byakuya or Urahara interrupting them.

'_Well aren't you gonna make you're move,' _a nasty voice inside his head asked.

'No,' Ichigo thought.

'_Coward,'_ the voice replied. Ichigo had a horrible feeling that the voice had originated from the five glasses of punch he had drunk earlier that evening.

The voice had been bothering him for some time. This was the reason he hadn't been talking to Rukia; he was too preoccupied arguing against himself.

'He's not talking,' Rukia thought. 'Maybe I should say something.'

Ichigo's stomach rumbled, it echoed down the curiously desolate street.

'When we get to Urahara's you should stay a while, there'll probably be food there,' Rukia suggested, hoping to create conversation.

'Sounds like a plan,' Ichigo said, his inner voice was laughing at him.

Rukia sighed inwardly.

Suddenly Ichigo stopped walking.

'Rukia.'

She stopped too. She turned to him looking at him questioningly.

'_It's now or never buddy_,' the voice said. Ichigo pulled Rukia towards him.

'Rukia I…'

'Yes?' she said unsure of what was going to happen next.

'I-I missed you,' he said. He swore at himself for saying something so asinine.

'Huh?'

'I mean like when you were in the soul society, I kinda thought about you a lot.'

Ichigo held her tight. They were close, he lent in. Rukia felt herself stand on the tips of her toes.

Arms held.

Eyes shut.

Lips touched.

Byakuya watched.

Ichigo felt Rukia give way and their kiss deepened. A broken street lamp flickered to life above them, bathing the couple in light. Around them snow fell heavily. For a moment the scene looked beautiful, but all good things come to an end.

The light flickered out.

The kiss broke.

'Ichigo, I, uh, missed you too,' Rukia said.

* * *

**I hope you liked that chapter. I spent quite a long time on it. This chapter isn't as long as the others but I think it's ok.**

**If you don't know what Beethoven's symphony No 5 is, I suggest you look it up, cause it's one of his most famous ones. It goes something like duhn duhn duhn duhhhhhn. I guess that really didn't help.**


	19. Therapy

**Sometimes I feel like Mayuri is genuinely misunderstood, and other times I just think he's being an asshole. What do you people think? This chapter isnt very special.**

* * *

Chapter 18 

_24__th__ December_

_6__th__ division headquarters._

Byakuya frowned at the paperwork spread out across his desk.

For some reason he couldn't concentrate.

Renji wasn't helping, not wanting to take on the daunting task of paperwork he had resorted to pacing across the stuffy office. His captain sighed. Renji slumped onto the hard couch, his mind wandering back to that Christmas party. The way Rukia reacted to Ichigo falling on her pissed Renji off. A lot. He didn't know why though.

Byakuya was having similar thoughts, except he wasn't thinking of Ichigo falling on Rukia. His mind flashed back to the kiss they had both shared under the broken streetlamp. His grip on his ink brush tightened. 'Why, why,is she doing this, knowing I won't like it? Maybe she is doing it to spite me,' Byakuya said to himself angrily.

'_Maybe it has something to do with her rich, proud not to mention pushy older brother,' _a voice in his head suggested.

Byakuya was not pleased with this answer. The ink brush snapped. Byakuya blinked. The sound caused Renji to look up from the sofa.

'Err, Taichou, that's the third brush you've broken in the past three days,' he said sweeping the broken pieces into a bin.

Byakuya was not listening. Something was troubling him.

'She kissed him back,' he mumbled to himself. Rukia wouldn't go that far to spite him. It must be genuine.

'Eh,' Renji said.

'Rukia,' Byakuya snapped, 'she kissed Ichigo after the party.'

Renji was silent for a moment. 'Have you been having nightmares?' he asked his captain, not really wanting to accept what he had just heard.

Byakuya glared at him. 'No, they kissed after the party, on their way home,' for some reason Byakuya did not enjoy saying that; he continued his paperwork. Renji was quiet, absorbing these new facts. His anger was building, but before he could break something, Matsumoto burst into the room.

She was holding a crossword. Byakuya didn't even look up.

'Ten letter word, a plant from the genus Frageria,' Matsumoto said.

'Strawberry,' Renji said without thinking.

'Dang, you're good,' Matsumoto thought, scribbling the answer down.

Byakuya blinked. He didn't much like strawberries anymore. He remembered one summer where strawberries had appeared on his breakfast plate. He had squished it mercilessly imagining that it was a certain orange-headed boy. Strawberries never appeared at breakfast again. 'Rangiku-san, please take your crossword _and _Renji outside, preferably far away from here,' Byakuya ordered.

Matsumoto obliged, dragging Renji behind her, leaving Byakuya to think in peace.

Peace never lasts long.

Mayuri walked through the door. Byakuya carried on with his paperwork, thinking it was just Renji, having escaped from Matsumoto.

Mayuri sat in a chair facing the impassive captain.

'How am I going to do this?' Mayuri thought. The clones had sent him to tell Byakuya to lay off Rukia.

'Rukia's old enough to think for herself,' Mayuri blurted out, when there was no response he lent in, aiming to catch the captains attention.

Byakuya frowned, that didn't sound like Renji. He looked up, into the face Mayuri Kurotsuchi. His face stayed still but inside he shuddered. He didn't much like this captain; he came near the bottom of his list, next to Aizen.

'Okaaaaay,' Byakuya said.

'And, uh, well you should stop being so, uh, possessive of her,' Mayuri continued, thankful for the cue cards Third had written him.

'Possessive?' Byakuya asked.

'Yes, possessive, she doesn't need you to check up on her or hanging over her every time she makes a personal decision or goes to see Ichigo,' Mayuri explained.

'I can't believe I'm having this conversation,' Byakuya thought, 'With him of all people!'

'Mayuri, tell me. Are you a certified therapist?' Byakuya asked.

'No.'

'Then I can hardly think why you're counselling me over my own sister,' Byakuya said.

'True, but I can tell you're not happy with the whole kiss thing,' Mayuri said.

'Darn,' Byakuya thought, 'he hit the nail on the head.'

'Am I that easy to read?' Byakuya asked resignedly. He thought for a moment then frowned. 'How do you even know about the kiss?'

'You insult my intelligence, I know about everything that goes on between those two,' Mayuri answered. 'Oh and by the way you're impossible to read.'

Byakuya wasn't sure whether this was a compliment or not.

'Anyway surely you can see that the feelings between Rukia and Ichigo are genuine.' Mayuri said.

'That's what I am so worried about,' Byakuya said quietly. He raised an eyebrow. 'Mayuri you don't strike me as the kind of man who would say such a thing,' he commented.

'You're right, I'm not really sure what I am saying, I am just reading off some cure cards,' Mayuri confessed.

'Oh,' Byakuya thought for a moment. 'What else do they say,' he said curiously, peering over his desk.

'Uh,' Mayuri glanced down at the cards, 'Oh, they say that Rukia will only end up hating you and err… that you should like Ichigo more.'

'It makes no difference who she likes,' Byakuya snapped.

'Yeah but what if it was Renji who liked her,' Mayuri said, reading straight form the cards.

Byakuya was silent.

'Okay maybe it does matter, but I am only looking out for Rukia. That low-life will not help her at all in the long run,' Byakuya said defensively.

'This conversation has told me that you suffer from brotherly love type two: over-protectiveness,' Mayuri confirmed.

'What's brotherly love type one?' Byakuya asked.

Mayuri shuffled through the cards. 'Oh apparently that's a full blown love affair, incest and all that jazz,' Mayuri explained.

'Oh,' was all Byakuya managed to say. He was glad that he did not suffer from this.

'Well, anyway, now that I have diagnosed you it should be easy to cure,' Mayuri said.

'Caring for your sister is not an illness, and this is my problem anyway,' Byakuya said.

'Yes but when it becomes my problem, I have to fix it,' Mayuri said. 'It's relatively simple anyway. All you have to do is keep yourself and Renji away from Rukia and Ichigo. Concentrate on yourself not them.'

'What does Renji have to do with this,' Byakuya asked.

Mayuri wasn't sure if he heard the sixth captain right. Almost everyone knew that Renji had a crush on Rukia.

'Err, your lieutenant, might cause the couple some trouble,' Mayuri said, tactfully.

'Fine,' Byakuya said. 'But I am not making any promises,' he added.

Mayuri made to leave.

'You know since I met Ichigo I started to hate strawberries,' Byakuya said quietly.

Mayuri turned toward the captain. 'Well maybe you do have brotherly love type one,' he said, jokingly.

'How can I like Ichigo more, everything that boy does infuriates me more,' Byakuya said.

Mayuri thought for a moment. 'Byakuya, life goes on. Getting to know Ichigo might just help life move on quicker. I mean you can't go on hating him forever that just takes too much energy up. He's not that bad of a guy. He's better than some guys Rukia could have gone out with and he genuinely cares for her,' Mayuri said.

'That didn't come from a cue card, did it?' Byakuya said.

'No, It didn't,' Mayuri said, turning back towards the door.

'Mayuri, that door is open, whenever you feel like being a therapist again,' Byakuya said as Mayuri left.

* * *

**This is a normal sized chapter. I hope this sorted out creepy Byakuya notions. If it didn't well, too bad.**

**Who knows if Byakuya will like Ichigo? And can he really hold back Renji.**

**I don't know myself but I thought it would be fun to write that. I really feel that Byakuya wasnt very Byakuyaish in this chapter.**

**I think the next chapter will take some time to write. I have no ideas. My mind has gone blank, wiped clean. Darn it.**


	20. My Name is Ted

* * *

Chapter 19

_Christmas Eve_

_Real world_

_Abandoned Warehouse_

'What happens when you complete a task?' Second asked, lounging on a sagging couch. The warehouse had been cleared; all that remained was the colossal Christmas tree and a rather squished branch of mistletoe which First refused to touch.

'I don't know,' Third replied, flicking through a fashion magazine.

'Why?' Second said, just to be annoying.

First looked up from the newspaper he was reading. 'Maybe he doesn't know because we haven't actually completed a task yet,' he suggested.

'Smartass,' Second mumbled to himself.

First heard but couldn't be bothered the respond.

'He's got a point though,' Third said. 'I mean completing the second task is taking ages.'

'That's 'cause they're stupid. You were the one who said things like love had to 'blossom', we should've just locked 'em in a room together,' Second grumbled.

'That's just silly,' Third commented.

'Is not.'

'Is,'

'Is not,'

First frowned, he couldn't concentrate. 'For God's sake just shut the hell up!' he shouted at them.

Second and Third stopped bickering instantly.

'Jeeze, I need to get out of this madhouse,' First said, heading for the door.

'I'll join you,' Second said, not wanting to be left alone with Third. He hurried after him.

'Bah!' Third thought, 'I don't need them,' he turned back to his magazine.

-----

_Central Karakura _

'How'd we end up here?' Second asked, pushing his way through crowded streets.

'I'm not really sure,' First answered, nearly getting knocked over. First pushed shoppers away as he tried to walk.

'Wow, someone's in a bad mood,' Second chuckled, as First shoved someone over.

'I don't get it,' First panted, 'Why are there so many godammned people everywhere?'

'Dude, its Christmas Eve,' Second told him.

They reached a quieter road. First heard the sirens, the squeal of tyres echoed around the street, he ignored them.

The woman did not notice the car speeding towards her.

First for some reason could not ignore this. He broke into a run. He wasn't thinking properly. The only thought in his head consisted of 'I have to save this woman.'

'What the hell does he thinks he doing?' Second thought, bemused.

The woman looked up, finally noticing the car, unfortunately it was too late for her. She screamed.

First pushed her out of the way, the car clipping his leg, sending him tumbling into a wall. He lay quite still.

Second looked in horror at the crumpled heap that was First.

'Oh boy,'

He ran away.

The woman hurried over to First.

'Ohmygod,' she stared at his mangled leg. 'Are you ok?' she asked.

'What a stupid question,' First thought to himself, prying his eyes open. The woman noticed the movement and looked at him.

If he was Third he would have noticed the nice cheekbones and the pretty eyes the woman had, but he wasn't. He was First so all he noticed was that it was someone of the female gender. He lifted his head slightly, but she pushed it back, his leg was killing him. He just wanted to go to sleep.

'Hey don't get up. I've just called the nearest clinic,' the woman said. She saw his drooping eyelids. She pinched him. 'Yo, mister, stay awake, what's your name?'

'May name?' he whispered. A dozen thoughts went through his head at once. He was going to say First, but that wasn't his name. He was an experiment, he did not deserve a name.

'My name…my name is … Mayuri.'

First's eyes shut. They didn't open again for some time.

----

_Soul Society_

_12__th__ division headquarters_

The scroll burned green, emitting multi-coloured sparks.

The technician's backed away from it. Alarms went off. Mayuri burst into the room. He groaned when he saw the active scroll.

'What have I done now?' Mayuri thought.

The scroll unfurled itself. The sparks died down. Mayuri picked the scroll from its pedestal.

'I saved someone?' Mayuri said to himself.

'Captain Mayuri, there is an incoming message from the real world: it's from the second clone,' someone said.

'Put it on the screen then,' Mayuri snapped.

Seconds later, Second's face appeared on a large screen that dominated a whole wall.

'What's there to report?' Mayuri said.

'Well the first clone just saved some lady's life, but got a bit battered himself,' Second explained.

'What's his status?' Mayuri asked. He was quite fond of that clone, it was the only one, he thought, that had turned out right.

'I dunno really, I sent the other clone to check up on him, but I think only his leg was hurt,' Second answered,

'This makes sense the scroll has just crossed that task off,' Mayuri said.

'It did?' Second said, surprised.

'Yes it did, now goodbye,' Mayuri replied, irritably.

Nemu joined her Captain. 'Mayuri-sama,' she said quietly.

'What?' he snapped back. The scroll fizzed angrily at him. 'Uh I mean- what is it, my dear Nemu-chan.'

'I have the information you requested for the sixth task,' she said softly. Mayuri smiled at her and patted her on the head.

'Well done Nemu-chan.'

----

_Real World_

First opened his eyes groggily.

His head was propped up by clean white pillows. He leg was encased in thick plaster and he was dressed in a plain white hospital gown. He turned to get a better look at the room he was in. The movement caused his head to swim. The room was small, but clean with white washed walls. Next to him the woman he had saved was dozing in a chair. Dark hair fell across her face. He caught himself staring at her. His watch beeped, signalling another hour gone by. 'What the hell am I doing?' he thought to himself, turning his head quickly away from her. His head instantly ached.

'Ughn,' he mumbled to himself holding his head in his hands.

The door to his room opened, someone stepped in carrying a pitcher of water and a medicine bottle.

The figure stopped at the foot of First's bed.

'Hey it's you,' Ichigo said surprised, 'What happened to your pink hair?'

For some reason First felt insulted to be mistaken for Third. The woman beside him jerked awake,

'NO! Not the mutant BUNNY MONSTERS!' she shouted out.

Ichigo and First looked at her.

'Sorry,' she said, 'Nightmare.'

Ichigo shrugged, 'Whatever, anyways, I just came to give you your meds,' he said just as Third flounced into the room. First could not hide the displeasure on his face.

'Oh dear God! Thank the heavens you're ok. I was so worried about you, I am so glad you're alive, I will never annoy you again. I swear!' Third cried, throwing his arms around First.

'Oi, get off,' First winced.

Luckily for him, Third had caught sight of the woman.

'Oh my, this must be the beautiful woman you saved,' Third said, he released First and went over to her.

'Oh yeah, my name is Ryoko Kuramaki,' the woman said. She turned to First and bowed, 'Thank you for saving my life,' she said.

'Ummm……no problem,' he stuttered. He looked at her and caught her eye. She turned away, not able to hide the tell-tale signs of a blush colouring her face.

This was not unnoticed by Third, but was by Ichigo.

Before Third could say anything, Ichigo tapped him on the shoulder.

'Err, why do you two look the same?' he asked.

'Ummmmm,' Third didn't know how to respond.

'We're brothers, twins in fact.' First said.

Second entered the room.

'Make that triplets,' First continued.

'Oh… yes we are,' Third said.

'What's your name then?' Ichigo asked Third.

First glared at him.

'Errr, my name is………uh, my name is Ted,' Third said.

First cringed.

'Ted?' Ichigo said disbelievingly.

'His name is definitely not Ted, he's just being an idiot. His name is Mayuri.' First said.

Ryoko frowned. 'But I thought you were called Mayuri,' she said.

'Huh it is, we're all called Mayuri, our dad was an… errr… eccentric,' First explained.

'Yeah, he wasn't much of a dad,' Third said, trying hard to imagine the real Mayuri teaching how to ride a bike.

'Well, whatever, just take your meds,' Ichigo said leaving the room.

Ryoko yawned.

'Oh my, don't feel obliged to stay, you should go home and rest,' Third said to her.

She turned to First, 'Would that be okay?' she asked him.

'I guess so,' he said, not looking at her. Third, much to First's displeasure, gave her their phone numbers and address.

Once she had left First sighed. 'Did you have to give her our address?' he asked.

'Of course I did, and anyway I am sure you would've wanted to see her again,' Third said airily.

'That's not the point, the address leads to an seemingly abandoned warehouse. Also what is we were away and Second answered the door' First reasoned.

Third thought in silence. 'You have a point,' he conceded.

'Hey, I'm still in the room y'know,' Second said.

'OH MY GOD! I knew Mayuri would become a gay,' Isshin shouted.

The three clones turned towards Ichigo's dad.

'Dang, when did he get in here?' Second said.

'Oh my, there's another one,' Isshin said, only just noticing Second.

'Who is this bozo?' Second asked.

'Isshin Kurosaki aka Ichigo's dad aka my doctor aka former captain of one of the thirteen court guard squads.' First said, wishing everyone would just go away and leave him alone. He turned his head towards Isshin. 'Sorry to disappoint but he's not the real Mayuri, none of us are. We are all clones.'

'Oh,' Isshin said sadly. 'Why are there all these Mayuri's?' he asked.

First explained. It took quite a long time.

'I always thought Mayuri was a wierdy,' Isshin said.

'Sure you did,' Second shot back.

Isshin pulled a face at him.

'As I was saying,' First cut in, 'the second task is to get your son together with Rukia Kuchiki, so just stay out of our way.'

'Oh and by the way, Ichigo is a total blockhead when it comes to expressing ones feelings,' Third said.

Ichigo's dad heaved a sob, Second looked disgusted.

'I blame it on myself, I was such a bad father, I am the reason Ichigo is such an amateur,' Isshin cried.

'There, there,' Third said consolingly, patting Isshin on the back.

Isshin left the room with Third.

'The real Mayuri wanted to know how you were doing,' Second said after a while.

'Why the hell would he want to know something like that,' First snapped, his head felt like someone had inserted a jackhammer and turned it to full power.

'Hey don't shoot the messenger,' Second said, leaving the room.

'Finally, some peace,' First said, he took the meds and welcomed the sleep that came with them.

* * *

**This chapter was here to get things moving. I won't be able to update soon because I have to go on holiday again but it's only for two days. So please be nice and patient.**

**I don't own Bleach. The only thing I own is the clones' personality, I guess, and that woman.**


	21. Side Effects

**YAY, 20 chapters. Not all of them are that good though.**

**I am proud of this chapter. I think it is a good 'un personally.**

**This chapter covers the side effects of the pill Toshiro took. It is also about Byakuya.**

* * *

Chapter 20 

_Soul Society_

Byakuya prided himself on not showing his feelings to anyone.

He was also a firm believer in learning from mistakes and never looking back.

The only time these things didn't apply was when he slept. Dreams plagued him with emotions.

He did not sleep much.

----

Toshiro woke up. He didn't feel right. It was four in the morning.

This feeling of being uncomfortable had started last night, just as he was going to sleep. At first he thought he had pulled a muscle or had a stomach ache. He soon realised that the feeling was coming form lower down, much lower down.

He sighed and headed for the bathroom hoping that going to the loo would help shed light on his condition.

He turned on the light while undoing his sleep robe.

The robe fell away.

Toshiro looked down.

He screamed.

----

_Morning_

_12__th__ division headquarters_

Mayuri looked up from the papers he was reading, they were strewn haphazardly over his work desk. 'Nemu-chan, this doesn't help much,' he said. 'Most of this I know myself.'

The lieutenant in question hurried over to her captain. 'I'm sorry Mayuri-sama,' she apologised.

'Err, Nemu, you didn't have to apologise,' Mayuri told her, flustered.

'There must be some other source of information other than the official records,' he continued.

'We could go to see a gossip,' Nemu suggested.

Mayuri had researched these 'gossips' before. They didn't always tell that truth, but then again they could find some valuable information.

'Where can I find one of these gossips?'

----

Matsumoto Rangiku yawned, stretching her body gracefully the couch. She should be doing paperwork; the paperwork had formed a nice tower on her captain's desk. Then again there was always something that needed being done. They just required too much energy and anyways her captain was a paperwork demon, he just gobbled it up.

In Matsumoto's world there were two types of people: the ones who could do paperwork and the ones who couldn't. Matsumoto fell into the latter while her captain came under the former category.

'Now there's a guy who was born to do paperwork,' she thought, her eyes closed.

Then she remembered.

Her eyes opened.

'Oh yeah,' she said to herself, 'Hitsugaya is on sick leave.'

This gave her more reason to do work but she couldn't be bothered, instead she was rather worried. Her captain never took sick leave. She wasn't even sure if he knew what that was. Toshiro Hitsugaya did not take days off. She wondered what was wrong with him.

'It must be pretty bad,' she thought to herself, 'it would have to be worse than that time that hollow knocked him off a cliff, he came in the next day in a full body cast.'

She thought hard about what could be worse than that.

While coming up with ideas, she thought it would be a good idea to visit him to see if he was ok, then she realised that would mean moving from the couch and this idea was scrapped.

Two people entered the office.

Matsumoto groaned. 'Who could it be now?' she thought, looking up.

She was surprised to see Mayuri and Nemu standing in front of her.

----

Toshiro Hitsugaya of the tenth division was a man on a mission. He hurried to the twelfth division headquarters.

'I'm gonna kill Mayuri,' he thought murderously. He berated himself for taking that godforsaken pill. 'I'm never taking anything that Mayuri offers me,' he thought.

Once he had arrived at the twelfth division he was dismayed and alarmed to find that Mayuri had already left to visit his own headquarters.

'Apparently the captain had to see lieutenant Matsumoto,' a technician told him.

'What did he want from her?' Toshiro asked.

'I don't know; it must be important because he took Nemu with him. Can I take a message?' the technician explained.

'Uh, no it's okay, just tell him the pill he gave me is giving me unwanted side effects,' Toshiro said.

The technician looked at him.

'Sir, if you have any unwanted side effects you should get it checked by the fourth division because normally side effects are quite dangerous,' he advised.

'Don't I know it?' Hitsugaya thought. He left flash stepping all the way to the fourth division.

'I would like to see Unohana Taichou,' he demanded.

'I'm sorry she's in an important meeting,' the secretary said, flustered.

'Tell her it's urgent, I'll meet her in her office,' Hitsugaya snapped.

The unfortunate shinigami bowed and scurried away.

Toshiro found her office and stood (it was uncomfortable to sit) facing the captain's chair.

Ten minutes later Unohana herself entered her office and took a seat.

'Hitsugaya, please have a seat,' she said politely.

'Ummm, I'd rather not,' he declined.

'So what is this emergency,' Unohana asked. 'I heard you took sick leave, is that why you have come?'

'Ah, yes it is. You see I have a problem-' his face turned red, 'umm a pretty bad problem.' Hitsugaya felt foolish, he could feel his face burning.

'Hitsugaya-kun,' she began in her best mother tone, 'I am a healer, everything that happens here is in the strictest confidence. I do not judge but heal.'

For some reason he did not find any comfort in those words. ' I have to be strong,' he told himself.

He dropped his pants.

Unohana had always believed in being the utmost professional when treating patients but when Toshiro Hitsugaya dropped his pants she couldn't help but emit a small squeak. Her face coloured.

Toshiro did not look happy.

'Oh my,'

----

'Eh? You want to know all the gossip on Kuchiki Taichou?' Matsumoto asked surprised. She didn't think that Mayuri was one to gossip.

'It's to do with the sixth task,' Mayuri said, irritably.

'Oh, that makes sense,' she thought. But before she could give the low down on a certain Kuchiki a hell butterfly fluttered through an open window.

It carried a message:

_Captain Mayuri, please report to Unohana's office. IMMEDIATELY._

_Please come alone._

Mayuri frowned, wondering what Unohana would want with him.

'Nemu-chan, please find out what you can,' he said to her and left.

'Did he just say please?' Matsumoto said.

'Yes.'

----

_4__th__ division_

While he waited for Mayuri, Toshiro pulled up his pants.

'How did it get like this?' Unohana asked at length.

'I took a pill from Mayuri, it made me tall, then I returned to normal height and everything was fine until yesterday,' Hitsugaya explained.

'I see,' Unohana said, understanding everything. 'I wouldn't advise taking anything else from him,' she said.

'I won't but can't you put it back to normal?' he asked, hopefully.

Unohana sighed, 'I'm not sure, show me again.'

Hitsugaya obliged and dropped his pants.

Unohana inspected.

'Well it doesn't seem to be swollen or inflamed, which means I probably can't heal it,' she said sadly.

The sound of footsteps could be heard outside the door.

'Finally, Mayuri is here,' Toshiro thought.

Someone burst into the room.

It wasn't Mayuri.

It was Shunsui.

He looked Hitsugaya up and down-longer on the down- and whistled.

'Wow.'

----

'So, you're saying that Byakuya will never love anyone again,' Nemu clarified.

'Probably,' Matsumoto said.

The two lieutenants had been talking for some time now.

'I don't think he ever got over the death of his wife. They weren't even married that long,' Matsumoto continued.

'I see,' Nemu said, taking notes.

'He is also a really private person,' Matsumoto added. 'He's the kinda guy every girl fantasizes about, knowing they won't ever get him. It's more lust than love,' she explained.

'Why do girls do this?' Nemu asked.

'Because he _is _the definition of fitness,' Matsumoto said as if this was obvious.

Nemu raised an eyebrow. 'Meaning he can do cross country for long periods of time?' she asked confused.

Matsumoto sweat-dropped, 'No, not that type of fitness, I mean he is good-looking and stuff.'

'Oh.'

----

'Damn,' Hitsugaya thought, hastily pulling his pants up.

It was too late, the damage done.

'Oh my God, Toshiro-kun, you're no longer a _child_ prodigy,' Shunsui commented.

'Shut up,' Hitsugaya snapped back.

'You should go around wearing speedos,' Shunsui continued, 'Girls would follow you everywhere, and you know there were rumours that with your Bankai you were trying to compensate for something.'

'There were no rumours like that!' Toshiro shouted back.

'Yeah, _now_ there won't be any,' Shunsui teased, 'You and Matsumoto make a pair, she has ample bosom while you have a dang banana-'

Toshiro nearly killed him then and there but instead kicked him in between the legs.

'It's not the size of a banana,' Hitsugaya said hotly.

'No, its bigger,' Unohana said.

Mayuri entered the room, which was now rather cramped.

'What did you need me for?' he asked Unohana.

Toshiro, once again dropped his pants.

Mayuri looked, 'Ok, so it's definitely bigger than mine, but I fail to see what that has got to do with me,' Mayuri said.

'It wasn't normally this size,' Hitsugaya said angrily.

'Oh congratulations captain, you hit puberty,' Mayuri said.

'Trust me, this is not puberty,' Unohana said.

'It's your stupid pill, Mayuri, make it its normal size again!' Hitsugaya roared.

'Hold on I thought big was good,' Mayuri said.

Unohana sighed and Shunsui laughed.

'I don't care just put it back to normal' Toshiro demanded, going red in the face.

'I'm not really sure how?' Mayuri replied, 'I could cut it down to size,' he suggested.

'Jeezus!' Toshiro shouted, 'I asked you to put it back to normal not bloody circumcise it!'

'Okay, okay, calm down,' Mayuri said. 'I guess I can give you a down-sizer pill, but you have to tell me what its original size is.'

Hitsugaya mumbled a swear word under his breath.

Unohana caught the meaning.

'Shunsui why don't we give the captain some space?' Unohana said tactfully, leading him out of the room.

Once they were alone Hitsugaya said 'Is that really necessary?'

'Yes, I have to program the pill to change it to the right size, otherwise it might make it too small,' Mayuri explained. 'And we don't want that do we?'

Toshiro agreed. He did not want another 'embarrassing accident' to come about.

Toshiro told him.

Mayuri smiled.

----

_Later that day_

_12__th__ division_

Mayuri finished the pill. He hoped it would work. He checked the measurements. They looked correct according to the information Toshiro had given him.

'Mayuri-sama, I have found out some new information,' Nemu said, joining her Captain's side.

'Hmm, what did you find?' he asked, still fiddling with a computer,

He called someone over

'Send this to Captain Hitsugaya,' he ordered.

The shinigami dashed away.

Mayuri turned to Nemu, 'So what were you saying?'

----

_10__th__ division_

Matsumoto watched her captain walk, rather awkwardly to the desk. He lowered himself onto a chair.

'Eh, Taichou, are you ok now?' she asked.

'Yes, I'm fine,' he answered; he noticed the stack of papers.

'Did you actually do anything while I was gone?' he asked.

'Nope,'

There was a knock at the door. 'Taichou, there is someone from the twelfth division here to see you.' A voice said from the other side.

'Send them in,' Toshiro answered.

A shinigami wearing a white lab coat entered, he silently handed the pill over to the captain. Matsumoto watched, intrigued.

When the scientist had left Matsumoto asked what it was.

'Nothing special, it's meant to make me better,' her captain answered. He gulped it down with plenty of water.

'Darn,' he thought, 'those things taste vile.'

Toshiro sighed; he had already taken the day off, so he might as well just return to his quarters to sleep. Hopefully the pill would've worked by then.

He left his office not saying anything to his lieutenant, knowing that she was probably sleeping.

----

_Night time_

_12__th__ division _

'Nemu, are you telling me that Byakuya won't fall in love again,' Mayuri asked.

Nemu had spent the day bringing Mayuri up to speed.

'The sixth task is to make Byakuya fall in love forward slash show his emotions, it seems rather impossible now,' Nemu replied.

An idea was forming in Mayuri's head.

'Maybe not, he won't love anybody except Hisana, right Nemu?'

'That is correct,' Nemu answered; not sure where this was going.

Mayuri stood up and made to leave the room.

'Mayuri-sama, where are you going?'

'Grave digging.'

* * *

**You can probably tell where that is going.**

**This chapter was quite long.**

**Those views about Byakuya being fitness, I think, are quite true.**

**I'm a fan of his, you see.**

**I don't know anyone who doesn't like the guy.**

**Anyway, I wasn't planning on telling anyone the rest of tasks until they come up. But if you want to know the list I have so far, I'll send it to you. Just send me an email or review or something and I'll send it to you.**

**If you don't want to know still give a review. Heh heh. Only joking, if you don't wanna leave a review then don't. But it will make me sad.**

**I also found out that the hardest thing for me to write is romance. It takes ages for inspiration to hit when trying to write a romance scene.**

**That Christmas kisses chapter was quite easy to write because it came to me in a dream, but that doesn't happen often.**

**I also realised that i have been rejecting ichigo and rukia so i guess the next chapter will be about them and probably some soppy romance will come up again. I think my romance is trash.**


	22. Warmth

**I haven't updated in a long time. If you liked this story you will like RAWRified's story even more. I think so anyway. So check it out because she is my best friend in real life. Nyeh nyeh. Her story is one about Buakuya and is very funny.**

**That was advertising-I'm sorry. Nyeh nyeh.**

Chapter 21

Rukia felt cold.

She did not know why though. Despite the heating turned up and wearing thick clothes she could not banish the goosebumps that crept up her arms.

She shivered, hugging herself, wishing that she was in some place warm.

_'When was the last time you felt truly warm?' _a nasty voice in her head asked.

Her mind instantly flashed to that night Ichigo had kissed her.'That was warm,' she thought, subconsciously touching her lips. Her mind replayed the whole scene. '_Ichigo, I, uh, missed you too,'_ Rukia slapped her forehead.'That was a really undignified response,' she thought to herself.

That didn't change the fact that he had still invited her to spend Christmas day with him and his family. She still hadn't bought presents for any of them, she wondered what she would get for Ichigo. Her mind settled on something.

A slow smile spread across her small mouth.

* * *

That night as Rukia slept, wrapped gifts scattered around her, snow started to fall. In her sleep Rukia's eyebrows knitted together; she knew the radiator was on but for some reason she did not feel its heat. 

She was still,in fact, very cold.

* * *

_Christmas day_

There was a knock at the door. Ichigo looked up but before he could open it his dad beat him to it. He could hear his voice in the hallway.

'Rukia, come in, come in, we've been waiting for you,' Isshin greeted his guest.

Ichigo waved her over saying 'Hey,' as he did so.

Rukia understood this as a greeting and followed him into the living room where a Christmas tree had been set up.

Rukia's eyes widened, 'It's beautiful,' she breathed.

Ichigo scratched his head, 'I guess so. My dad and Yuzu decorated it,' he explained with all the energy of a dead battery.

He noticed her bag of presents. 'You can dump those under the tree if you want, we were gonna open the presents after dinner,' he said, pointing to a pile of gifts already under there.

Once she had done this Rukia joined Ichigo on the couch. They sat there awkwardly, in silence for a while.

Third watched bemused from a gap in the doorway. He sighed.

Karin poked him. 'Hey, mister, what do you think you're doing?' she asked.

Third jumped in fright, First was still sleeping so he had nothing better to do than watch the developments between Rukia and Ichigo. Not that there were many.

He wondered how he would explain this to a middle-schooler. Luckily for him Isshin was nearby.

'Now, now Karin, let's not hassle the nice gay now. I know! Why don't you go and get a drink for Rukia,' her dad suggested.

'Whatever,' she shrugged her shoulders and went over to the silent couple.

Isshin dragged Third into the waiting room. Second was there reading a magazine on preganancies.

'Can't you be a little bit more inconspicuous?' Isshin asked, exasperated.

'It's not my fault those two were just sitting there like lemons-'

'Who's a lemon?' Second asked, not keeping up with the conversation. Third bopped him with the magazine.

'It's a figure of speech, anyways as I was saying it's Christmas the most romantic day ever-'

'Hold on, I thought that was Valentine's day,' Isshin said confused.

'Oh shut up and just let me finish, have you actually seen those two together, there's a wall between them that even Second couldn't break through.'

Second frowned, 'Hey, I haven't even seen this wall yet.'

Before Third could strangle Second, Isshin stopped him saying,

'So what do you suggest we do?'

* * *

Karin watched the two people. 

She found them extremely boring.

She was glad when Yuzu called her into the kitchen.

Third burst into the room.

'Oh my god,' Rukia thought.

'What's he doing here?' Ichigo grumbled.

Third heard.

'Well Ichigo my dear, I am a guest of your father's today, as is my brother Mayuri,' Third said.

'Which Mayuri?' Ichigo asked gloomily.

'_This_ Mayuri,' Second answered, flopping into an armchair. 'Hey, gay, all the walls look pretty breakable to me and when is dinner?'

The doorbell rang.

Ichigo looked up confused. 'Who could that be?' he wondered.

He opened the door and stared.

Renji stared back.

'OH CRAP!,' Third thought, when he had seen who was at the door.

'Who the hell invited _him_?'

Ichigo was wondering the same thing. 'Hey Ichigo, you gonna let me in or what? I'm freezing my butt off here,' Renji said, stamping his feet.

'I hope his balls freeze off as well,' Third thought menacingly. Fortunately for Renji though his balls were saved when Ichigo stood aside and let him in.

'What are you doing here?' Ichigo asked angrily, peering through the doorway, hoping Byakuya wasn't hiding somewhere as well.

'If you're looking for my captain, he's not here. Didn't your dad tell you he invited me,' Renji explained, helping himself to snacks.

'Well don't mind _me_, just make yourself at home,' Ichigo thought with distaste as Renji finished off a bowl of hula hoops.

Third stormed off in search of Isshin. Before he left the room he ordered Second to keep Renji away from Rukia. Second tapped his nose and plonked himself next to Rukia before any of the boys could.

'Dang,' Ichigo thought, 'That guy moves fast.'

'My name's Mayuri what's yours?' Second asked Rukia.

'Uh, my name is Rukia. How do you do?' she replied as politely as she could.

Ichigo and Renji watched, gob smacked, as Second charmed his way into a full blown conversation with Rukia. They looked like best friends. Renji was boring holes into the back of Second's head with his eyes, while Ichigo watched-his face impassive-a growing sense of jealously building up inside him.

In the kitchen Yuzu was cutting vegetables her dad trying to help but only succeeding in getting in the way. Third pushed his way into the room and took Isshin by the scruff of the neck.

'Of all the people on God's earth why did you invite Renji?!' he shouted at him.

Isshin paled, 'Err he said he was Ichigo's friend.'

Yuzu looked up, 'Dad, I hope you haven't been inviting wierdos over for dinner again,' she said.

Third looked appalled, 'You mean he invites people around all the time?'

Yuzu nodded,giving her dad a look that told him he was a lost cause. 'You should've been here last Christmas, dad invited a bunch of hobos round for lunch.'

Third shook his head in disgust, 'Look you, by inviting Renji over means that Ichigo and Rukia won't get a moments peace together,' Third said.

'Why not?' Isshin asked.

'Renji likes Rukia, so he won't let Ichigo be alone with her. Damn, It's a good thing you didn't invite Byakuya around otherwise this little Christmas party would turn pretty quickly into a Bankai-fest,' Third said.

Isshin coughed and shuffled his feet, he turned away from Third.

'Tell me you didn't invite Byakuya,' Third said, incredulously.

'Umm well, he did say he was Rukia's brother,' Isshin said, apologetically.

Third felt rather murderous when he left the kitchen. He was about to voice his murderous intent to Second but was thrown when he saw what his companion was doing.

Second was chatting merrily away to Rukia who was all smiles and giggles. Third hadn't seen Second look so at ease. 'Maybe he's found his true calling,' Third thought trying to imagine Second in a host club.

Third watched amused as he caught sight of the faces of Renji and Ichigo. They both looked livid. Third cleared his throat. The two boys looked at him, the rage visible in their eyes.

'Get...him...out...of here,' Ichigo said slowly, not trusting himself to say anything else. Renji just glowered at him.

Third tapped Second on the shoulder. He looked up. 'Yeah, what's the matter.'

'If you could just follow me for a moment,' Third said quietly.

Second sighed but followed his clone into another room. Once they were alone Second asked, 'Hey what's the big deal? I was having fun in there.'

'Yeah I know and that's the problem. You weren't meant to make yourself a love rival out of that, you know,' Third sighed.

Second cut him off, 'Hey I was just spicing things up a bit.'

'What by making them jealous,' Third said. He blinked, Second was smiling at him.

'Why didn't I think of that?' Third thought.'But that still doesn't solve the problem of Renji and apparently Byakuya has been invited as well,' Third said after a while.

'Which idiot has been inviting all these people?' Second asked.

'Isshin,' Third said simply.

Second raised an eyebrow, '_Quelle_ surprise,' he said.

'What are we going to do?' Third said gloomily.

'I think I have an idea,' Second replied.

* * *

'Hey Ichigo, you wanna go snowballing?' Karin asked. 

'Okay, Rukia why don't you come too,' Ichigo said.

The two clones came back. Ichigo groaned 'I thought those two had left already,' he thought.

'Where y'all going,' Second asked.

'Snowballing,' Renji said,'whatever that is.'

'You just have to chuck snow at people,' Karin explained.

'Is there a point to it?' Second asked.

'NO! It's just fun.'

'That sounds like violence,' Second thought, 'Count me in,' he said.

Ichigo sighed in anger. Third was about to invite himself but Ichigo stopped him.

'No, definitely not, the gay is not coming,' Ichigo stated in a flat voice.

Third scowled; he was getting annoyed at being referred to as the gay all the time.

'Fine then,' he said haughtily and flounced away.

* * *

After Ichigo and the others had left, Third entered the kitchen. 

He called Yuzu and Isshin to him. They lined up army style and saluted.

Third sweat dropped, ' You didn't have to go that far,' he said.

The two put their hands down.

Third continued, 'As you know Byakuya will be joining us for dinner. Do we know when he will be here?'

'He will be here at approximately nineteen-hundred hours,' Isshin barked.

'Ummm okay, that's about seven o' clock isn't it?' Third said.

'Yessir,'

'So we have till then to come up with a battle plan,' Third instructed. 'Our primary objective is to keep Byakuya from seeing Ichigo and Rukia doing anything remotely lovey-dovey.'

'Yessir!' Yuzu and Isshin confirmed, they had magically sprouted uniforms, Third thought they looked rather professional.

'The second objective is keep Renji away from Rukia and Ichigo so they can _do_ lovey-dovey things.'

This was followed by another military style confirmation from Isshin and Yuzu.

Third pulled a piece of paper from his nose-hairs.

Isshin frowned 'Did you just pull that out from your nose?'

'I didn't have any pockets,' Third explained.

'Ewwww,' Yuzu commented.

'Back to the plan people!' Third snapped.

Isshin and Yuzu stood ramrod straight.

'Well done,' Third said, 'Now I am going to read to you the plan that we have so far.'

Third read aloud from the piece of paper. Isshin's eyes widened. Yuzu went pale.

'But that means we'll have to...' Isshin said quietly.

'Yes it does,' Third replied.

'It's a bit daring,' Yuzu finished.

'That, my dear, is the whole point.'

* * *

Rukia huddled next to Ichigo. They had made a small wall made of snow whcih was meant to shield them from Karin, Renji and Second. 

Ichigo shivered, he looked at Rukia. 'Don't you feel cold?' he asked surpried.

'Err, I hadn't really thought about it. I guess I'm not cold at all,' she said.

For the first time today Rukia noticed that she was not cold at all. She realised that she had not felt cold since being with Ichigo. She felt warm for the first time since that night under the streetlight. She didn't know how to explain it.

It was quite simple really; in Ichigo Rukia found true warmth.

**

* * *

I have decided to split Christmas into two chapters. The next chapter is called 'Byakuya does not stuff turkeys'. Uwaah don't forget to leave a review.**

**It was simply too long to** **write as one chapter. There will probably be Renji bashing in the next chapter. Well I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. I guess it was one of those bog-standard ones but i tried to put more mush in it. Heh Heh.**


	23. Byakuya Does Not Stuff Turkeys

**This was co-written with RAWRified because she is GOD!**

**No, I jest. Heh heh. This is another comedy chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

Chapter 22 

There were not many things Byakuya could not do.

One of them was giving birth, the other was doing up ties.

After struggling for the better part of twenty minutes, he decided to leave the top buttons of his shirt undone.

----

The doorbell rang.

Third looked through the peep-hole.

'He's HEEEEEEEEERRRRREEEEEEE!' Third squealed in delight. He ran around in circles waving his hands in the air.

'Ohmygod! I can't believe that I am actually having Christmas dinner with the almighty, prince of all shinigami that is Byakuya Kuchiki,' Third said.

He checked himself in the mirror.

Yuzu frowned, 'This isn't a date, you know.'

Third ran over to her and shook her shoulders, 'It is! It is! Don't ruin my fantasy!'

The doorbell rang again.

'You forgot to open the door,' Isshin said.

Third hurried to the door and flung it open. Byakuya stared at the pink haired monstrosity standing before him, unsure of what to say.

'Come in, my liege, come in,' Third motioned, standing aside. Byakuya raised an eyebrow and stepped inside. While Third cried silently at the perfectly formed eyebrows of Byakuya, the man himself asked 'Where is Rukia?'

'With Ichigo, of course,' Isshin said, not giving this answer much thought.

'Uh, he's with Karin and one of my clones as well,' Third added quickly.

'Clones?' Yuzu asked, confused, 'I thought you were triplets.'

'Well we are, I meant to say brother, I always call my brother a clone, heh heh,' Third explained.

'I did not think it was Mardi Gras,' Byakuya said, eyeing Third's hair.

'Oh, it's not, he's just a gay,' Isshin explained.

'I see.'

Third gasped, he did not want the highly esteemed Byakuya to think he was _just_ a gay. 'I'll have you know I have an impressive repertoire consisting of many different aspects including the arts and drama. I also have a very skilled fashion sense.'

'That just proves it,' Isshin commented.

Byakuya had a headache.

The door burst open a snowball flew through the air.

Byakuya turned, the scene turning into slow motion. Third dived, aiming to stop the wayward projectile.

He was too late.

With a soft splat the snowball connected with Byakuya's face.

'Bull's-eye!' Second shouted jumping through the doorway, he caught sight of Byakuya's snow covered face. 'What happened to you?' he asked Byakuya.

'As if you didn't know,' Third muttered, attempting to wipe Byakuya's face with a towel.

'Let me dry you off,' Third offered, he cleaned the snow off Byakuya's face and continued to brush down the rest of him.

Byakuya looked a little uncomfortable. He spoke up when Third brushed a little lower than necessary, 'That part of me is not wet,' he stated flatly.

----

Renji watched from across the room with hawk like eyes. Ichigo and Rukia were sitting next to each other on the couch. Nobody said a word.

'Why don't we turn on the radio?' Third suggested.

There was no reply.

Third sighed and went over to the radio he flicked it on. Music flowed from the speakers:

_I've been missing  
Your stawberry kisses  
'Cos nothing's as sweet  
The taste still drives me crazy  
I've been wishing  
My strawberry kisses  
Could fly through the wind  
To you from me_

Byakuya gripped the armchair tightly.

Third quickly turned the radio off. 'Err Byakuya, why don't you help Yuzu in the kitchen, I think I heard her calling.'

Byakuya walked away in silence.

Once he had left, Ichigo let out a sigh of relief, 'Who invited him?'

'Your dad,' Second answered.

Ichigo slapped his forehead, 'Go figure,' he thought to himself.

Second realised that with Byakuya gone, all they had to do was eliminate Renji. He looked at Third, who nodded back. Second approached Renji's back. Without batting an eyelid; he karate chopped Renji on the back. He slumped forward. Second caught him.

'Oh look, Mayuri, Renji has fallen asleep,' Second said with false surprise.

'Did he just karate chop Renji?' Ichigo whispered to Rukia.

'Yeah, but I don't think we were meant to see that,' she explained.

'Oh yes, why don't you take him to the clinic, Mayuri?' Third suggested, a fake smile plastered across his face.

'What a capital idea my dear Mayuri,' Second replied, making his way towards the clinic, dragging Renji by the foot. Third followed after him waving goodbye to the other two.

Ichigo and Rukia were left alone on the couch. 'How do they tell each other apart when they keep calling each other Mayuri?' Rukia asked after a while.

'I'm not really sure, but I don't wanna think about it,' Ichigo replied.

----

_Clinic_

'Pssst, Third, in here,' Second called his clone over while pointing to an empty room. Between the two of them they managed to load Renji onto the bed. He stirred.

'How are we gonna keep him here?' Second asked.

Third rifled through some drawers, he found some medicine bottles. He started injecting random vials into Renji's arm.

'Are you sure you're not going to just kill him?' Second said.

'I don't have a clue what this stuff actually is, as long as it keeps him in the bed,' Third said dismissively.

'Whatever you say,' Second sighed. 'We'd better lock the door just to make sure.'

----

'What did you need help with?' Byakuya asked Yuzu.

She was standing behind a large turkey.

'I need you to stuff the turkey,' Yuzu said.

Byakuya paled. 'I need to what?'

Yuzu smiled at him, 'Look it's easy, all you gotta do is grab some stuffing and shove it up the turkey,' Yuzu explained.

Byakuya looked the turkey over, 'Where exactly does one 'shove' this stuffing?' he asked.

Yuzu demonstrated.

Byakuya felt a little faint.

Yuzu caught the man's expression, 'Come on, it isn't that bad,' she encouraged him.

Byakuya did not stuff turkeys. Byakuya did not cook. He had cooks. He hadn't even been to the kitchens in his manor house.

He touched the stuffing gingerly.

Isshin was watching, 'It's not acidic.'

Byakuya took a handful. It felt alien in his hands.

Yuzu rolled his sleeves up. Byakuya held the turkey with his other hand. A bead of sweat fell from his forehead. Byakuya could not remember the last time he had perspired. He gulped.

He stuffed the turkey.

'Well done,' Yuzu congratulated him.

Ichigo walked through the door. He saw Byakuya with his hand stuffed half-way up a turkey, he had a small smile on his face.

'Sorry to interrupt,' Ichigo said.

Byakuya looked at him, his eyes narrowed.

'I think I know what you're thinking, and I can tell you now that it is wrong,' he told Ichigo.

'Hey, don't mind me, whatever floats your boat, mate,' Ichigo said, laughing as he left the kitchen.

'Umm, Byakuya, you still have your hand in the turkey,' Yuzu said.

----

Ichigo joined Rukia who was standing by a window.

'You don't keep turkeys at your house by any chance do you?' he asked her.

'No. Why do you ask?' Rukia answered.

'Just keep him away from them,' Ichigo advised.

Across the room Third and Second were plotting. Plotting with mistletoe.

'At least now you can't get the wrong people under it,' Second said. 'We don't want another Mayuri and Nemu.'

Third nodded. He pulled a stick from his back pocket.

'We're gonna tie the mistletoe onto some string and tie the string to the stick, then dangle it over them,' Third explained.

'That's stupid,' Second replied.

'Do you have a better idea?' Third asked.

'Nope,'

'Well then,' Third said, 'Now get some string.'

Second pulled a reel of string from his nose saying, 'I always keep some handy.'

'Good thinking.'

They slithered across the floor, hiding behind the sofa. Second lifted the stick.

Rukia's eyes widened when she saw the seemingly floating mistletoe.

'Where'd that come from?' Ichigo said.

'I'm not really sure,' Rukia replied.

'It's mistletoe,' Ichigo said flatly.

Rukia looked at him.

Just then Renji burst through the window, knocking Ichigo to the floor, hoping to take his place under the mistletoe.

At the same time Byakuya walked into the room, caught onto the potential kissing which involved Rukia and shoved her out of the way.

Rukia fell onto Ichigo. Hard.

'Do you think they've kissed yet?' Second asked Third, from behind the sofa.

'I'm not sure, just keep it dangling.'

Ichigo looked up at Rukia.

'Ummm, Rukia,' Ichigo said, looking into her eyes, 'you're heavy.'

Rukia frowned, this wasn't how it was meant to go.

'Am I now?' she asked, angrily.

'Yes you are actually,' Ichigo replied.

Third looked at the two. 'Err, Mayuri, things aren't going quite as planned.'

Second looked at the couple on the floor, still holding the mistletoe in place. 'Oops.'

Renji stood. He didn't feel right.

Byakuya had never found himself under mistletoe before. With a guy.

He looked at his subordinate, 'Renji……'

The guy in question looked at his captain; he'd never noticed how deep Byakuya's eyes were.

Byakuya looked uncertainly at his lieutenant's gaze.

Renji leaned in.

Byakuya noticed the compromising posistion that his sister was in and stepped on Ichigo's foot, ignoring Renji who leant in too far forward and fell on his face.

Second watched, eyes wide, 'What the hell did you give him?' he asked Third.

'Oh you know, a bit this and a bit of that,' Third replied.

Ichigo jumped up grabbing his foot, knocking Rukia aside. 'Jeezus, what the hell are you doing Byakuya?!'

Byakuya looked at him helping his sister up,

'My bad,' he replied.

* * *

**I do not own Bleach, and I don't own that silly strawberry kisses song. That was sung by Nikki Webster. I hate that song as much Byakuya hates dreaming of Renji waking up next to him in bed.**

**The youtube adress is /watch?vV-vw5N1kD2I paste this onto the end of the normal youtube adress**

**Also do not support the idea of Byakuya being gay, if he did turn out this way I would soon be grieving the death of rose who would not have been able to live with the idea of a gay Byakuya. Byakuya bi is hot, gay is bad. That was Rose not Rhea. Rhea does not support the idea of a bi Byakuya.**

**Rhea and Rose also do not support the idea of Byakuya and turkeys.**


	24. Boxer Shorts Are Not Christmas Gifts

**This chapter is one of my more saner ones. I hope. If you were wondering why the Mayuri's kept pulling things out of their noses don't worry. Hopefully I will have cleared that up in this chapter. This is more of a ichiruki one I think. I was also really pissed off the other day because I started school on Wednesday and some person mistook me for a YEAR 7(11-12 year old). I am in damned YEAR 11(15-16 year old). Jeezus, some people these days…**

Chapter 23

The group gathered around the Christmas tree.

Ichigo was feeling rather relieved. It must have been something to do with Byakuya leaving early. He and Renji had left for the Soul Society after receiving a message from a hell butterfly: apparently there had been an accident and all the captains and lieutenants were needed.

'Yuzu, why don't you unwrap your presents first?' Isshin suggested; he was fiddling with his digital camera.

'Dang, I think the battery's flat,' he said. Luckily Third was on hand.

'Have no fear, I have a spare,' he replied, pulling one from his nose.

Ichigo and Rukia stared.

'Eurgh! Why do you keep doing that?' Yuzu complained, 'and wash your hands mister!' she added when she saw Third reaching for the snack bowl.

Third mumbled something under his breath and sulked away to the kitchen.

'What else do you keep in there?' Ichigo asked, amazed.

'Loadsa things,' Second answered, 'Lemme think, let's see. I think I have an iron, toaster and portable television.'

'Yeah right,' Ichigo scoffed.

Second pulled out a portable television.

'Crap. How do you do that?'

'Well, ummm, it's a special talent,' Second said, trying to move the subject away from the amazing size of his nasal cavity.

Third came back and sat down next to his clone. 'So Rukia what did you get Ichigo for Christmas?' he asked.

Rukia passed Ichigo a present, which he had to admit was wrapped quite well. He ripped the paper away.

His face went red. All eyes were drawn to the package on his lap.

Isshin's eyes narrowed, 'Oh my, what a lovely gift to receive. Especially when it is from a _girl_,' he teased.

Karin looked at the pair, 'Are they really that close?' she thought.

Ichigo couldn't take the stares any longer. He grabbed Rukia and dragged her into the kitchen. Rukia looked at him. She didn't think that her gift was bad. To her it was just clothing.

'Rukia,' Ichigo started slowly,' pink boxer shorts do no make good Christmas presents.'

Rukia frowned, 'What's wrong with them? Are they the wrong size? I didn't know yours so I just guessed. The store clerk said that they were a popular gift.'

'Between boyfriends and girlfriends maybe,' he thought exasperated.

'Should I have bought you lingerie?' she asked, frowning, she remembered that the store clerk had told her that this was popular too.

'HELL NO! Lingerie is for women only, damn you,' Ichigo yelled. Sometimes he wondered if there was something wrong with this girl. He looked at her. 'Can she really not tell that it's weird to give underclothing as a gift to someone?' he thought to himself.

Rukia stared back non-plussed.

Isshin pressed his ear against the door, trying to hear what was going on. 'Did he just say lingerie?' Isshin thought. Third and Second joined him. 'What are they saying?' Second asked. Isshin waved his hand at him, signalling to stay quiet. Third sighed and pulled a radio transmitter from a nostril. He twisted a dial until he found the right wavelength.

'……_how did you even know I wear boxers?……,' _Ichigo's voice sounded tinny over the small microphone.

'I bugged the kitchen earlier,' Third whispered after catching sight of Isshin's confused face.

'How do you really keep stuff up there?' Isshin asked.

'Well the real Mayuri has made an experiment of himself so that he can pull his ears out and blend into the background. Well this nose cavity thing is just another one of those talents that he built into himself. So naturally when we were made his talents were passed on and these gigai's were made especially so that we could still use the nose thing,' Third explained.

Yuzu watched from the couch at the three men whispering by the kitchen door. She sighed, 'They are all really weird,' she thought to herself.

Back inside the kitchen Rukia was explaining how she knew Ichigo wore boxers. 'You know, when you came to pick me up you weren't wearing anything but boxers and a shirt,' she said. Ichigo's face reddened.

Isshin gasped, 'I never knew my son was _that_ forward, good for him,' he thought proudly.

Karin thought that her dad's obsession with his son's love life was unhealthy. She booted him in the ass. He was flung into the door.

Ichigo heard the noise and slammed the door open. Isshin was flattened between the wall and door. Ichigo frowned.

'Hey, where'd dad go?' he asked Karin.

'Nowhere,' Karin said, whistling innocently. The door made a groaning noise. Ichigo jumped back. 'Damn! I think there's someone in the door,' he said.

Second pulled the door away revealing a rather flattened Isshin embedded into the wall. He flopped on the floor like a piece of paper.

'Hey, dad what were you doing behind the door?' Ichigo asked.

'Uh I was just having an argument with it and I um lost,' Isshin explained weakly. Ichigo raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything.

'Let's continue opening the presents,' Yuzu suggested.

'That sounds like a good idea,' Third replied.

Isshin had other plans. 'Hey Ichigo, I never knew you went to her house without trousers on,' he said, as if wanting an explanation.

'Why does everyone make a big deal out of this?' Ichigo thought.

He turned to his dad. 'Uh it wasn't that big of a deal, I just forgot to put them on,' he said, slightly embarrassed.

'That's what you want Rukia to think but I know what you really wanted-' Ichigo started to protest, but to no avail- 'and I know that you probably feel embarrassed but I want you to know that I am your dad and I am always here for you-'

'Hey, old man! Do you just like to listen to yourself or something because you have completely the wrong end of the stick,' Ichigo shouted, 'I just forgot to put my trousers on.'

Isshin stopped taking, his smile vanishing. 'Really?' he said.

Ichigo grunted, 'Yeesh, I can't take anymore of your crazy antics,' he headed towards the door, 'I'm going for a walk,' he muttered.

'Rukia, maybe you should go after him,' Third said, after a while. She did.

'You're a real cock-up, you know that,' Seocnd said to Isshin once Yuzu and Karin had gone out of earshot.

Isshin's face broke out into a huge grin.

Second frowned.

'This was just another plan for them to be alone together,' Isshin stated triumphantly.

Third gaped, 'You mean you actually planned that whole speech,' he said.

'Yup,' Isshin grinned.

Second and Third sweat-dropped, 'You didn't have to make it so complicated, we could have just left them alone.'

Isshin smiled knowingly, 'I could have but Ichigo is too shy to do anything in his own house. He wouldn't try anything if Yuzu and Karin were here and anyways it's a very romantic evening.'

'He has a point,' Second said.

Third was surprised, 'Oh my Second do you actually mean that?' he asked.

Second stared at his clone, 'I was talking about Ichigo being shy not the romantic evening crap.'

'Yeah, yeah…' Third replied.

-----

Byakuya did not return to the Seireitei.

Renji went alone.

Instead of helping with the emergency Byakuya walked alone in the darkness. Snow fell around him silently. He was glad to be away from that house. Byakuya frowned at his hands and sniffed them. His perfect nose wrinkled slightly. He had washed his hands at least five times and yet he could not shake off the smell of turkey and stuffing from them.

He stopped walking, he found himself in a leafy park that overlooked a small river. Nothing moved.

He sat on a bench. It didn't feel comfortable. There was a muffled groan. Byakuya would have jumped out of his skin if that were possible.

'Hey, dude you're like sitting on me,' someone said. Byakuya looked at what he was sitting on. It wasn't a bench.

Byakuya stood. The tramp sat up. He looked Byakuya up and down, snorting as he did so.

'What's some rich bugger like you doing here?' the tramp asked.

Byakuya looked coldly at him, distaste clearly written on his face. He actually didn't know what he was doing here but had no intention of letting the tramp know that.

'None of your business,' he replied, haughtily.

The tramp waved his bottle of sake at Byakuya. 'That's what they all say,' the tramp said, 'why don't you sit your royal bum here and tell me about your problems?'

Byakuya raised an eyebrow. He was wondering why so many people were offering therapy when they didn't seem qualified. 'I doubt you can help,' Byakuya replied, moving away.

The tramp cackled, 'That's what they all say too. We all know you're here 'cuz you're lonely.'

Byakuya stopped in his tracks, wondering why these unqualified therapists were always right. 'We?' Byakuya asked.

The tramp's face broke into a huge smile. 'Me and the other ten people who occupy my head,' the tramp explained.

'He's obviously crazy,' Byakuya thought but he parked his royal bum on the space next to the tramp nonetheless. 'But then again, I have nothing to lose,' he thought to himself.

Byakuya found himself once again wrinkling his nose. The tramp smelt bad. 'At least he doesn't smell of turkey stuffing,' Byakuya thought with relief.

'So, tell me, why are you all alone on this lovely Christmas evening?' the tramp asked, revealing some very crooked teeth and a bad case of rotten breath.

'You make it less lovely,' Byakuya thought. Instead of voicing this opinion he said, 'Because I have nowhere to be.' This wasn't exactly true he could have been at the Kurosaki household or the Soul Society.

The tramp stared at the rich man before him. 'You mean you don't have a house or a wife or kids or something?'

'My wife died a long time ago,' Byakuya said. He hadn't said that in a long time.

The tramp grunted and offered his half filled sake bottle to Byakuya. He pushed it away.

'I don't think drinking will help the grief,' Byakuya told him, he had already tried that. It didn't work. Nothing worked.

'Grief consumes you then it spits you out like garbage, alcohol just cushions your landing, trust me,' the tramp said knowingly. Byakuya frowned. That didn't sound very credible. Truth was he had _been_ spit out but he still felt as if some part of him was still grieving. He should have gotten over it by now.

'When was the last time you cried?' the tramp asked.

Byakuya was thrown off for a moment. He thought about it. 'I haven't cried since I was a child,' he replied.

'Dude you mean you didn't cry when your wife died, dang, you're a heartless bastard. You should cry more often, like me. I cry every morning because I have hangover, then another personalty would take over, then after that I will cry at lunchtime because I remember that I don't have any money and I live on a park bench. Crying is part of my daily routine.'

Byakuya thought the man was being a sissy. 'Where I come from I am not allowed to cry,' he said.

The tramp looked at him. 'Dude, everyone is allowed to cry, it's a human emotion. Your wife died, it would be rude not to cry, I mean didn't you love her or something and anyways where the hell are you from? Zog?'

'Of course I loved her,' he thought angrily. He was a man. He did not cry and he was definitely not from Zog.

He felt like strangling the tramp.

There were raised voices.

The two men looked up.

Ichigo and Rukia walked into the clearing. Byakuya hid, changing into shinigami form. The tramp took another swig from his bottle and settled down to see what would happen next.

'My dad is so stupid sometimes,' Ichigo said. Rukia had caught up with some time ago and they had been walking for some time.

'I have to admit he is a bit weird,'

'Not a bit,' Ichigo replied, 'more like loads.'

They stopped walking, stopping in front of the partly frozen river.

_Maybe you should kiss her,_ a voice told Ichigo. Ichigo frowned.

Rukia caught her friend's expression. She asked him what was wrong.

Ichigo's face flushed and he waved it off saying that it was nothing.

The tramp was grinning. 'Yeah right.'

The two turned to look at the speaker. 'Wow Ichigo look it's a tramp. I've never seen a tramp in the real world before,' Rukia said, excitedly.

Ichigo looked at her, 'Er, we're not at the zoo you know. It is kinda rude to stare like that.'

The tramp looked at him. 'Hey, I'm not complaining. She is kinda cute,' he said to Ichigo.

Ichigo clenched a fist. The tramp was pushing all the right buttons.

'Rukia I think we should leave,' he took her wrist and pulled her away.

Byakuya followed.

Once he knew he was alone the tramp pulled off his hobo clothes to reveal cleaner ones underneath.

'I have to admit Isshin is quite clever when he applies himself,' First thought, going through the script he had been reading from and depositing the tatty clothes in a nearby bin. He took some mouthwash from a bag a gargled. 'Although I'm not sure why I had to be the tramp,' he thought.

----

_Now that the creepy tramp is gone you can kiss Rukia,_ Ichigo's inner mind told him.

'You sure have a one track mind,' Ichigo thought.

_Hey buddy, we're the same person here._

Rukia was watching him from the corner of her eyes, unsure of what to do or say.

_Hurry up before her brother or Renji show up,_ the voice urged.

'Whatever happened to ladies first?' Ichigo thought.

_Stop being a sissy and get on with it._

Ichigo sighed, tired of the abuse he was receiving from his own mind.

'Screw this,' he muttered. He grabbed Rukia by the arms and kissed her hard on the mouth.

Her eyed widened.

So did Byakuya's. He did not like to see his sister man-handled. He also did not like to see Ichigo in general. So when he saw Ichigo 'man-handling' his sister, there was only one thought in his mind. One question burned in his mind.

He walked calmly over to them. He drew his zanpaktou.

The two broke away.

_Oh crap._

Ichigo caught sight of Byakuya, a little too late.

'Ban-'

----

**Is Byakuya gonna say Bankai or Bangladesh? You'll just have to wait I'm afraid.**

**Unfortunately the next chapter isn't a continuation of this one; it is, in fact, about the emergency in the soul society. That is another real Mayuri chapter.**

**I am in a good mood now cause I got my GCSE module marks back and I got A+ in all of them . YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY.**

**Words cannot express how happy I am. My good friend rose got the same. I am so proud of her. Sniff Sniff.**

**Moving on. I was thinking that after I got a 100 reviews (**_**if that ever happened!)**_** that I would write a whole chapter that was based on requests and silliness like the 'side effects' chapter. So if you have something that you would like to have in the chapter please say so in a message or email or review or anything. If I don't get that amount of reviews I'll just write a silly chapter anyway cause I like writing silly stuff. **

**If you want my email you can find it on my profile. If you want rose's story then you can go to my profile and find it from there or you can search it yourself.**

**Also I am not sure when I can update cause I have to do german and maths homework. sigh. :( **


	25. Father Daughter Bonding

**This chapter is about Mayuri and fatherhood. Not really, but kind of. i just wantto thank everyone who reviewed this story. It means so much to me. Really it does. I am so moved. sniff sniff.**

* * *

Chapter 24

_Soul Society_

Silence hung in the air. Shadows loomed menacingly. Mayuri held up the lamp. His breath froze into a fine mist.

'Nemu-chan, are we going the right way?'

'Yes, I believe that the Kuchiki burial site is over there. We must climb over this fence,' his lieutenant answered.

The two climbed clumsily over the high fence and looked around. There was a small leafy clearing with graves in neat rows. Mayuri gulped. 'Eh, what should we do now?' he asked.

Nemu looked at her captain, 'I have not been grave digging before,' she replied, 'I think we should find the right grave first.'

'That sound's like a good plan. Let us split up.'

The two shinigami separated and searched for a while. Mayuri realised that he did not want to be alone; the graveyard was too still for him.

There was a rustling behind him. Mayuri's back stiffened; he grasped the handle of his zanpaktou.

He turned around. There was no one behind him. His sighed in relief. He did not let go of his sword though.

Nemu on the other hand was not bothered at all. She had not felt fear before; she had never been in a situation where she would feel this.

'Mayuri-sama,' she whispered. The words sounded loud even though she had spoken softly.

Mayuri nearly pissed himself. 'Ok, calm down Mayuri. You're only in a _spooky graveyard_. It's not like a _ghost_ was calling my name, not that they exist,' he encouraged himself. 'Nemu-chan please refrain from speaking so suddenly,' he said.

He turned around; Nemu was standing right behind him.

He jumped back, 'Holy crap! When did you get here?' he asked, clutching his heart, which was beating a lot faster.

'Just now,' she replied, 'I apologise for startling you Mayuri-sama.'

Mayuri patted her head. 'That's ok,' he replied thinking that Nemu looked really cute when she apologised. 'That was not a proper thought, pull yourself together man,' he scolded himself. He was a scientist; he did not feel such trivial things.

'Mayuri-sama I did not find the grave,' Nemu told her captain.

'Nor did I. Maybe they buried her somewhere else.' Mayuri suggested. 'That is plausible, since the elders didn't like her. They might have had her buried somewhere else,' he thought.

'Maybe we should split up and search again,' Nemu said.

Mayuri broke into a sweat, 'I don't think that is such a good idea,' he replied. 'There might be another site near here, let's go together.'

Nemu followed her master obediently.

Soon enough they found another clearing which had only one grave. It was flanked by two cherry blossom trees. They were bare; reflecting the cold winter. The grave here did not have overgrown plants growing on it. It looked rather clean and well kept.

'This must be it,' Mayuri whispered.

They stood at the edge of the glade for a moment.

'Aren't you meant to dig?' Nemu said at length.

'Nemu, I have an idea. Why don't you dig while I go on the lookout?' Mayuri suggested who did fancy doing any manual labour.

Nemu would never say no to Mayuri. She took the shovel that Mayuri kept in his nose and started to dig.

'Err Nemu-chan you're meant to dig up the grave not just anywhere,' he said, watching her.

'I see, I shall remember this in case we ever go grave digging again,' Nemu said.

'I don't plan on doing anymore of this,' Mayuri thought. 'It's just a one off thing.'

Once Nemu had started digging in the right place Mayuri read the simple headstone.

_**Hisana Kuchiki**_

_**Loving wife and sister**_

_**She will never be forgotten**_

_**Her life a beautiful memory, her absence a silent grief**_

Mayuri thought it was rather depressing.

There was a dull thump as Nemu hit something hard with the shovel.

'That was quick,' Mayuri thought, pulling his eyes away from the gravestone. He helped Nemu clear away more dirt.

'What do we do now?' Nemu panted after clearing away most of the soil. Their little excavation had revealed a plain wooden coffin.

'Well, we flip the lid, take the body and run away,' Mayuri said calmly.

'Have you done this before?' Nemu asked.

'Uh well I had a wild youth and umm I was always short of things to experiment on,' Mayuri started flustered.

'I see.'

The two shinigami lifted the lid of the coffin slowly. Mayuri scrunched up his eyes, not wanting to see the dead, possibly rotting flesh.

'Oh my,' Nemu said after a while. Mayuri opened an eye.

Hisana was beautiful even in death.

There was no rotting flesh or mummified corpses.

'_He _must have done something to it so it wouldn't decay,' Mayuri thought.

There was a sudden gust of wind. Mayuri thought he saw the body twitch.

'Uh Nemu-chan, did you see the body move?' he asked, backing away from the body.

'No, it must have been the wind,' his subordinate replied.

'Erm, yes, of course, the wind, haha, of course it was the wind.'

----

Mayuri thought things were going quite well. Nemu was typing furiously at a computer while Mayuri directed the other technicians.

It would be finished soon.

'Mayuri-sama, the calculations are complete, we are ready for the final stage,' Nemu said.

'Excellent,' Mayuri replied rubbing his hands together in glee. He looked at the glass tank in front of him. It contained a single body. What he was doing was hugely unethical but trivial things like ethics never stopped Mayuri.

The final stage consisted of delivering a huge burst of spirit energy to the tank which would, in theory, stimulate the brain to function. Mayuri would have used lightning but since it did not occur often enough in the Soul Society, Mayuri was using generators instead.

Mayuri had also seen the real world film Frankenstein, lightning seemed a bit stereotypical to him.

He had spent the whole day getting the body ready for this moment. He had to use all his research to make sure the brain would remember everything and work properly.

The amount of spirit energy needed was immense so the generators would be working past their safety limit. It was a risk Mayuri really didn't mind taking.

Mayuri pressed a few buttons on a control panel. A red light started to flash. The technicians moved back into another room where they could observe in safety.

Nemu and Mayuri were the only ones left. Mayuri turned the generators on. There was a huge rumble as turbines started to spin. There was another tank which had begun to fill. White light flowed steadily from pipes linked to the generators.

'Mayuri-sama, the generators are working at eighty percent efficiency,' Nemu called out over the noise.

Mayuri frowned, 'Only fifteen percent of the tank has been filled, we need to step up the turbines.'

'But Mayuri-sama the generators will become unstable,' Nemu replied.

Mayuri looked at some read-outs. The energy tank was filling too slowly. He could already see that the amount of energy being produced had slowed down. He looked at the tank. The white light had been reduced to a small trickle.

'Nemu-chan, just do it and get out of the room, I'll do this myself,' he ordered.

Nemu twisted dials and programmed the generators. The rumbling increased in volume. Steam was now rising from them.

'Mayuri-sama the generators are working at one hundred and twenty percent efficiency.'

The lab had become steamy. Mayuri analysed the new data. Spirit energy was now gushing from the pipes.

The strain on the generators was taking its toll. Jets of sparks erupted from the wiring and computers flashed warning signs.

Mayuri stood in the middle of it, cackling like the crazy scientist he was.

Nemu cut into his daydreaming, 'Mayuri-sama! The generators are overheating, we must shut them down,' Nemu shouted.

Mayuri looked at her, 'Nemu join the other technicians, I'll take over the computers,' he ordered.

Nemu did not leave. Instead she walked up to Mayuri.

'Err, Nemu-chan?' Mayuri asked uncertainly.

Nemu looked at him. 'I will not leave you,' she said loyally.

'Uh Nemu-chan that's really brave and all but it's quite dangerous in here,' Mayuri explained.

The lights flickered and went out, they were bathed in darkness. The only light in the lab came from the energy tank which was nearly full.

One of the generators blew.

Mayuri wasn't sure what happened. One minute he was standing with Nemu the next he found himself in a crumpled heap by a wall. 'I must have passed out,' he thought to himself.

The three remaining generators were still working. Mayuri looked at the tank.

It was full.

He limped to a computer and directed the collected energy into Hisana's tank. The computers crackled and fuses snapped. The generators were groaning. Mayuri watched in fascination as the body spasamed, the limbs jerking unnaturally.

As soon as it had started it was over. The vital signs in the tank began to beep regularly. Mayuri checked the readings. The body had a heartbeat. Mayuri was nearly in tears. 'I did it,' he mumbled to himself, 'I actually did it!'

'Nemu come and have a look at what your wonderful creator has done,' he called as he drained Hisana's tank.

There was no reply.

Mayuri looked around. Nemu was not there.

'Err Nemu-chan, now isn't a good time to be playing hide and seek,' Mayuri said, an unwelcome feeling of worry entering his body.

Mayuri turned back to the row of computers. He pressed a few buttons on the console.

Nothing happened. The generators did not disengage.

'Oh crap' Mayuri thought. He had to find Nemu. 'Maybe she has already left,' he thought hopefully.

He also had to get Hisana to safety. He checked the readouts; the generators were going to blow soon. He figured that he had ten minutes or so before they went critical. He scooped Hisana's body into a fire-man's lift and ran out of the building. The rest of his division were waiting outside for him.

'Where is Nemu-chan?' he demanded.

'We thought she was with you Taichou,' a technician answered.

Mayuri screeched in rage.

'You mean she's still in there?' he rasped.

His division looked at him unsure of what to say.

'Hide this body and don't let anyone see it,' Mayuri snapped, handing over Hisana's body. He turned away making for the burning building. Someone grabbed his sleeve.

'Sir, what are you doing? It's suicide to go back in there!' one of the technicians shouted. Mayuri shook him off.

'Nemu…Nemu is my daughter! She is my responsibility. I care if she lives or dies. What sort of person would I be if I didn't go back in there for her?!' Mayuri yelled at his officer.

Mayuri hurried back inside, a thick smoke had made its way into the corridors and hallways. He entered the lab.

He covered his mouth and searched for Nemu. Steam billowed out from the turbines; a fire had started where the fourth generator had blown. Flames licked at computers and melted wires. Mayuri searched frantically. He could not understand what had come over him. It was something akin to hysteria.

His time was nearly up.

He had almost given up when he saw a small hand buried under some rubble.

He pulled cracked concrete away furiously to uncover her body more.

He had just picked her frail, broken body up when all three generators blew simultaneously.

----

From the outside it looked almost unreal. The twelfth division watched in horror as the west wing of their headquarters exploded.

A raging fire had spread to other parts of the main building.

'Do you think he's dead?' someone asked.

There was a general muttering of 'I hope so,' and 'I hope he found Nemu.'

The head technician scowled at his companions. 'Hey! What sort of attitude is this? You want our own captain dead. Yeesh, I mean have you even seen the guy over the past few days. He's changed. He went after Nemu _himself_.'

There were mutterings of agreement from the others.

Soon a crowd had formed and all the captains and lieutenants were summoned to organize relief and help with the fire.

When the flames had been controlled Renji arrived.

'What took you so long?' Toshiro asked, he frowned, 'And where is Kuchiki Taichou?'

'Uh, well, I was in the real world and umm well my captain was busy,' Renji explained. Truth be told he didn't really know what his captain was doing.

Toshiro raised an eyebrow. 'Busy doing what?'

Renji faltered, luckily for him Matsumoto was nearby.

'Aww, Taichou don't interrogate the poor guy just put him to work like the rest of us,' Matsumoto suggested.

Hitsugaya looked at his lieutenant. 'Matsumoto you aren't working though, you're just ordering about everyone else.'

'That's hard work you know and anyways I don't want to get my hands dirty,' Matsumoto pouted.

'You sound like Yumichika,' Renji said, eyeing the fifth seat from afar. He was co-ordinating the other members of his squad while brushing his hair.

'Where is Mayuri?' Renji asked.

'Apparently he was in the building when it blew up and so was Nemu,' Hitsugaya explained.

'Is he still alive?'

Toshiro was silent for a moment. 'We don't know. We still haven't cleared the rubble away. No bodies have been recovered.'

'Which means he was incinerated,' Renji concluded.

Toshiro sweat dropped. 'Err, Renji I was trying to say that he is probably buried under the debris not incinerated.'

'Oh,'

----

Nemu cracked an eyelid open.

Something was on top of her. It was heavy.

It was not concrete since it was slightly soft.

Her other eye opened. She could not move.

No, Mayuri was not incinerated by the fire.

He was on top of Nemu.

'Mayuri-sama?' she croaked.

No reply.

'Taichou you are very heavy,' she said, trying to move him. He would not budge.

She lay still for a moment. Tiredness consumed her. Maybe she would try later. Her eyes closed.

----

Mayuri coughed. His eyelids flew open.

He grumbled something unintelligible and pushed himself up off from Nemu.

He was covered in dust. The two of them were trapped under a broken portion of the roof. It was barely high enough for Mayuri to sit up in. He looked at Nemu. She looked peaceful when she slept. Mayuri's eyes widened, 'Oh my god, what if she isn't sleeping, what if she is dead?' he thought panicking. He took his 'daughter' by the shoulders and shook her; he also tried to find a pulse. He lent in close and tried to hear her breath.

She didn't make a sound.

'Dear god, she's actually dead,' Mayuri thought. He hugged her. A light bulb flickered to life in his mind.

'What if I try mouth-to-mouth?' he said. Mayuri was quite taken with this idea.

_But what if she _is _dead. Then you just kissed a dead person. You might get cooties or something, _a nasty voice in his head told him.

Mayuri didn't want cooties but he definitely didn't want to sit here helpless when Nemu might still be alive.

'Pucker up,' he said to Nemu, taking a deep breath.

He lent forward. His mouth touched hers and he exhaled.

Nothing happened. 'Maybe I should try that again,' he thought.

_Cooties, cooties, cooties you're gonna get cooties._

Mayuri tried again. This time with results.

Nemu's body jerked under his.

She didn't know what was going on. All she knew was that there was someone on her mouth.

Her eyes sprang open. She realised it was Mayuri on her mouth and for once did not know what to do.

Mayuri pulled away and saw that Nemu was awake.

'Err, how long were you were awake,' he asked.

'Quite sometime,' she replied.

'I see.'

'Mayuri-sama you are kinda heavy,' she added.

'Sorry, but I can't move around much,' Mayuri said.

He lifted his head quickly but cracked it on the roof. He grunted and his head fell forward.

There was a crumbling sound and a small circle of light appeared.

Shunsui popped his head into the hole and saw the two shinigami's faces squished together.

'Hmm, maybe I'll come back later.'

----

**I am not sure how the Japanese deal with their dead. I think they cremate them but for the purpose of this chapter they don't. Heh heh. to be honest i am not really sure whether i support Mayuri and Nemu or not. Hmmmm...**

**Well I hope you enjoyed this one 'cuz I did.**


	26. Bancroftaisis

**Lost**

**A bunch of mistakes**

**I realised, having just read through this whole story (dang, it took long!) that I have a bunch of uncorrected mistakes.**

**Unfortunately I forgot where they all were. Heh heh. So I was wondering if I could ask you people to help me find them. Eh.**

**Thank you**

* * *

Chapter 25 

'-croftiaisis.'

Ichigo's eyes widened to WTF mode.

'Weren't you meant to say Bankai? That was one of the worst anti-climaxes ever!' Ichigo shouted, stepping away from Rukia. 'Although I have to admit at first I thought you were going to say bandicoot.'

'Where's a bandicoot?' Rukia asked, just about getting over her surprise at being kissed and seeing her brother standing before them. She looked around wildly.

Byakuya sighed, 'There is no bandicoot.'

'They're not exactly native to Japan,' Ichigo explained.

Rukia pouted, 'But I wanted to see a bandicoot…'

'What the hell is bancroftiaisis?' Ichigo asked.

'It's a disease. I wanted to know if you suffered from it.' Byakuya stated calmly.

'Uh, right, I don't think I suffer from it. I don't even know what type of disease it is,' Ichigo replied, counting off all the vaccination jabs he had received.

First was watching from afar. He winced. This was not supposed to happen. He berated himself for thinking that it would be this easy. Byakuya always got in the way somehow.

First found his resolve. Byakuya had to be removed.

He tried to think of a way to do this.

----

'OHMYGOD! First has evaporated!'

Isshin hurried over to Third. He peered into the room. The bed was empty. 'As it should be' Isshin thought.

Second wandered over. 'Hey I heard a shout. What's going on?'

'First has disintegrated, I can't find him anywhere,' Third explained nearly in tears.

'Stop being a pansy and let me try to contact him,' Second replied rationally.

Second dialled First's number, the automated voice mail message played.

Second shrugged his shoulders. 'Ok, he disintegrated.'

'First evaporation then disintegration,' Isshin thought to himself, 'that gay is really dramatic.'

'First is still alive,' Isshin assured Third. Third looked up, he was dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief.

'Ummm, your mascara's running,' Second said.

Third looked even more sad, 'I was gonna get the waterproof one but it was expensive…'

'Hey lets not digress here, as I was saying, First has not evaporated, disintegrated, condensed or sublimed, he is, in fact, on a secret mission,' Isshin explained.

'Riiiiiggghht, he just broke his leg so now he's gonna just toddle off to do a secret mission, get real,' Second said, ever the sceptic.

'Would I lie to you?' Isshin asked. 'You all have super healing powers, courtesy of the real Mayuri. I sent him out to make sure everything went swimmingly well with Ichigo and Rukia and I also had him distract Byakuya for a while.'

'I thought Byakuya went back to the soul society with Renji,' Third said.

'I have a feeling that Byakuya would rather take advantage of this beautiful night than go back to the soul society.'

'That's one hell of feeling... sometimes _I_ get the feeling this guy is real deep,' Second thought.

----

'Kurosaki Ichigo, prepare to meet thy maker.'

Ichigo was still counting vaccinations off on his fingers. Byakuya's eyes narrowed a little.

'Were you listening?' he asked.

Ichigo blinked, 'You say something?'

Byakuya's eyes were reduced to slits.

Rukia looked at her older brother. She had to do something quickly.

'Nii-sama, please listen. If you get angry at Ichigo, I'll get angry at you.'

Ichigo cringed, 'You kinda sounded like a whiny kid.'

Byakuya looked livid, then he remembered something.

_Ichigo genuinely cares for Rukia. Concentrate on yourself not them._

'Damn, that Mayuri and his darned cue cards,' Byakuya thought. He stood there for a while. Ichigo was wondering if he should say something. Rukia looked at her brother, 'I can't believe that I stopped him,' she thought, not knowing that it was actually a memory of Mayuri which had done this.

First watched, he had come up with a plan.

Byakuya dismissed the thoughts of Mayuri and brandished his sword. Ichigo took a step backwards, he found himself sweating even though the temperature was below freezing.

'Ichigo I cannot forgive you, even if you don't have bancroftiaisis, you will pay,' Byakuya said, his zanpaktou was level with Ichigo's neck.

First broke out into a run. The group watched in surprise as a man sprinted out from the brush and jumped into the river.

'Oh jeezus. The water is so frickin cold,' First thought, as the water greeted him. He could feel cold water in his mouth, it made his jaw ache. His clothes dragged him down.

'Should we help him?' Rukia asked, unsure about what just happened.

'I think we should,' Ichigo replied, wary of Byakuya's zanpaktou. 'Hey maybe you should point that somewhere else,' Ichigo suggested, hurrying towards the river edge. Byakuya watched Rukia follow the orange haired youth.

He sheathed his sword and walked away.

'What the hell is taking them so long?' First thought, the water had numbed his arms and legs. If they didn't save him soon…

Ichigo looked at the dark water. Lazy ripples and foam floated away, once again replaced by choppy river water. 'Oh crap, he could be anywhere,' Ichigo thought to himself.

Rukia came up to him holding a twig. 'If we can get this to him then we can pull him out,' Rukia stated in a matter-of-fact voice, 'I saw it in a film.'

Ichigo wasn't sure how to respond. 'Er, I think we will be needing a bigger stick,' he said carefully.

First had just about had enough, he could stay another two or three minutes under water with all the breath he had stored in his nose but it was cold and he was annoyed that no one saving him. He swam upwards and broke through the surface of the river.

Ichigo and Rukia both looked around. The man looked at them. 'Hey, what's taking so long. Come and save me already!' he shouted.

Ichigo stared. 'He doesn't exactly look as if he's panicking,' he thought.

'Maybe he doesn't need to be saved, and that would take too long anyway,' Ichigo said to Rukia, he looked at his watch it was nearing eleven in the evening.

He turned away from the supposedly drowning man, 'Rukia let me walk you back to Urahara's,' he suggested.

First's mouth hung open, water instantly filled it. He cursed and spat grey water out. 'Holy cow, they are actually leaving me in the water,' First thought.

He watched as Ichigo led Rukia away; their retreating forms disappearing into the late night fog.

--

'Will you take me to a zoo?' Rukia asked.

The pair had been walking for some time now in silence.

'That was a bit out of the blue, but I guess so,' Ichigo replied. 'That would mean that we would get to be together more,' he thought.

There was a nagging feeling in his brain. He wanted to ask the question but didn't know if he would like the answer.

Rukia looked at her companion and frowned, he looked irritated but there was something else; something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

'Is there something wrong?' she asked.

Ichigo blinked and looked up.

'I guess I was thinking about stuff,' he said vaguely.

'What stuff?'

'Errrr, I was wondering if, uh, I mean like when are you leaving?' he said, stumbling along the words.

Rukia looked at the sky and sighed.

'That's a good question. I haven't actually thought about it yet. I guess it will be some time soon. I only came out to find what happened to the afro man,' she explained.

'That seems like ages ago now,' Ichigo said.

They walked a little longer in silence, their shoes crunching in the snow.

Before either of them had realised it they were standing in front of Urahara's shop. They stood in the snow. They didn't speak or move.

--

First shivered. He had been walking for quite some time now. He was sure that his skin had turned blue and hypothermia had set in. He'd had to swim out of the river by himself. He was also lost. The current wasn't in his favour and while trying to swim to the river bank he had been washed further downstream than he would have liked.

He bumped into someone.

He carried on walking.

'Hey. Aren't you Mayuri?' the person asked.

First stopped in his tracks and turned around.

The woman he had saved stood in front of him.

'Oh, eh, hi?' First replied. He held out his hand. She was just about shake it when First sneezed. It was a big sneeze. It was so big that the contents of his nostrils nearly popped out.

Ryoko suddenly noticed how wet her friend was.

'Did you fall into a river or something?' she asked, looking at his sodden shirt.

'A river.'

She took his arm.

First looked at her. 'What are you doing?'

'I'm taking you to my apartment, it's really close and if you stay out here you'll catch your death,' she explained.

'Oh,' First replied and let himself be half-pulled towards Ryoko's home. They passed under a street-light. Ryoko stared at him.

First felt slightly self-concious, 'What's the matter?' he asked her.

'Your skin has turned blue! Dang, maybe I should just take you to the hospital or call an ambulance,' she said, she let go of his arm.

'I'm fine, really. I just need to get out of these wet clothes,' First assured her.

_'I'll bet you _do,' a voice in his head told him. First frowned. He had never heard that voice before.

'I'll bet you do what?' First thought.

_'I bet you wanna get out of your clothes in her house.'_

'Are you sure you're okay?' Ryoko asked, staring at First.

He blinked. 'Uh, yeah I'm sure. Just lead the way.'

Ryoko frowned but carried on walking.

First followed; thinking that he missed her having her arm on his.

--

_Midnight _

_Clinic_

The three figures huddled around the Christmas tree.

'Don't you think he should have come home by now?' Third asked, the worry in his voice clear.

'Maybe he got lost?' Second suggested, who wasn't really bothered.

'Or maybe he was attacked by savage, rabid dogs,' Isshin added.

This did not make Third feel any better.

The two men and the gay had decided to stay up and wait for their companion's return. Ichigo had already arrived and as soon as he entered the house went straight to his room.

Second was bored and decided to turn in.

'You people can wait for him. I'm going to bed. I don't think he'll really care if I don't greet him at the door.'

Once Second had left. Third sighed.

'You know, he's a nice guy really,' he said conversationally.

Isshin raised an eyebrow 'Oh really? I just thought that he was the brute out of you three.'

'Well that's true, out of us I was blessed with brains, good looks and a sense of style while the others were worse off and received nothing beneficial,' Third explained.

'Wow, you have no mercy,' Isshin told him, he glanced at the clock on the wall.

'You know what. I don't think he's coming, you'd better go sleep,' Isshin said. He got up himself.

Third pouted, 'I am going to wait for him. I don't care what you say.'

Isshin looked at the clone. 'I guess you're not like the real Mayuri at all. I don't think you clones take after your creator much. You just look the same.'

Isshin left, leaving Third to ponder what he had just said.

* * *

**Yay chapter over. bancroftaisis is a real disease. It is caused by a worm entering the body, it can cuase things like elephantiasis, which is nasty, just type 'elephantiasis' in google images. you'll be horrified.**

**I guess it doesn't seem like much after a week's wait, but hey just go with the flow.**

**The next chapter will be the 'special' chapter. Which basically consists of people going bankai and a drunk Byakuya having a heart-to-heart with Third. Oh yeah, and please help me with the mistakes thing.**

**If you have any suggestions or stuff please tell me. YAY and GOODNIGHT. Hopefully i will be able to update soon. heh heh.**


	27. My Secret Hobby

**Nyeh nyeh, time for a chapter… I am sorry it took time for this to appear. I was bogged down…**

* * *

Chapter 26 

Renji was a very angry man.

He had always thought of himself as a cool, calm, collected sort of person rather like his captain or a cucumber. But today his anger could not be restrained. He was veering into maximum rage.

The source of his anger: Ichigo Kurosaki

Go figure.

Renji hurried through the streets of Karakura seeking out his nemesis…

'Now where do I find a guy like Ichigo?' he thought, he had been searching for the best part of an hour. For some reason he could not find the orange headed youth.

'_Uh, well maybe you should try at his house?' _his sword suggested after a while.

'Hey, that's a good idea,' Renji said aloud, 'Why didn't I think of that?'

'Cuz you're an idiot,' his sword replied.

Renji didn't much like being abused by his own sword.

Once he had arrived at Ichigo's house he threw a brick through his window. The window smashed, a second later Ichigo's head popped out of the window. He caught sight of Renji and swore loudly.

'Renji, what the hell do you think you're doing?' Ichigo yelled at him, 'you broke my damn window!'

Renji stared defiantly back. 'Well I just wanted to get your attention for a moment,' he explained defensively.

Ichigo's eyes narrowed. 'You could have just rung the doorbell, you know,' he suggested.

Renji blinked, rage subsiding, 'I wonder why I didn't think of that?' he said to himself.

'Well that's an easy one,' Ichigo answered knowingly. 'It's because you're an idiot.'

'_I keep telling everyone that but , no, no one ever listens to the damn sword…'_

Renji's rage returned. 'I came here to challenge you.'

Ichigo looked at him with disinterest, 'I don't have any time, I have to do an essay,' he explained.

'You mean you'd rather do homework than fight me?' Renji said, incredulously.

'Pretty much and anyways you're like ultra boring to fight anyways,' Ichigo replied.

Renji couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. A vein was about to pop in his forehead. His blood pressure rose, he had to think fast. 'If you don't fight me I'll…I'll…I'll…'

Ichigo laughed at him, 'You'll do what,' he said tauntingly.

'I'll tell Byakuya you drugged Rukia and had your way with her.'

Ichigo stopped laughing. 'That wasn't funny, you'd make an awful stand up comedian.'

'It wasn't a joke,' Renji shouted back.

'You will pay, Kurosaki Ichigo,' Byakuya said.

The two boys turned to the speaker. 'Holy cow! What are you doing here?' Renji asked his captain.

'I was looking for a crossword book, when I heard your voices and came to see what all the fuss was about,' he explained.

'What would you want with a crossword book?' Renji asked mystified.

Byakuya coughed, 'Um, well, you see, a…a…friend asked me to get it,' Byakuya explained unconvincingly.

'Err, Taichou, you don't have any friends remember…' Renji replied.

'I don't?'

'No,'

Ichigo was watching the conversation with bemusement. 'As long as Byakuya forgets what Renji said,' he thought. No such luck for Ichigo though.

Byakuya turned to Ichigo. 'You will pay for what you have done to Rukia, you…you…stole her innocence. You are a brute!' Byakuya said calmly, raising his voice only a little.

Ichigo heard it as if Byakuya was standing right next to him. 'Uh, you got this wrong, man, umm… Renji was just being his idiotic self and well-'

'Chire, Senbonzakura.'

'Oh crap.'

----

_Soul Society_

'Pwease, oh, pwetty pwease!'

Yachiru bounced on the balls of her feet. Nanao sighed.

'Look I don't want to, I have lots of paperwork to do,' she said lamely.

'Your captain said he'd do them for you,' Yachiru said in a sing-song voice. Nanao doubted this very much.

Yachiru was a crafty being. 'She isn't falling for it,' she thought to herself. 'I must turn to the final resort.'

Yachiru eyes widened to the size of saucers. Nanao was wondering how this was possible. A solitary tear formed in one huge eye.

'Oh no,' Nanao thought, 'not the puppy dog eyes.'

Inside Yachiru was laughing her small head off. 'This one always works,' she thought.

'Nanao-chan if you don't come then I will be very sad…' she trailed off to add a more dramatic effect.

Nanao gazed at Yachiru's wounded dog stance. She heaved another sigh and gave in.

'Fine, I'll come.'

'YAY! I love you Nanao-chan!' the small lieutenant jumped on her fellow shinigami.

'Okay, Yachiru-'

The small officer was choking the other. 'Oi gerroff!' she said, her voice muffled by the fact that Yachiru had covered her face.

'But I'm sooo happy because now everyone is coming!' Yachiru said. Nanao stopped struggling for a moment.

'Who else is coming?'

'Well, Matsumoto, Toshiro, Ken-chan, Momo, me and you.'

'Where are we going again?'

'Nanao-chan you're so silly, we are going to the day spa of course.'

----

_Soul Society's up and coming, brand new spa parlour_

The group of shinigami had dressed incognito so they would not attract attention. They stopped at the receptionist's desk. A plump woman sat behind it. She was reading some papers while chatting with another attendant. The woman, who happened to be the owner, noticed the group and smiled warmly at them.

'What is your reservation name?' she asked, she had a kind voice.

'The name should be under Rangiku,' Matsumoto replied.

The woman checked her ledger. 'Ah yes, a party of six. Four adults and two children…'

Toshiro frowned; he had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.

'I can only see one child here,' he said, eyeing Yachiru, who was clinging to Kenpachi's back.

'Awww, this young man already wants to be old,' the owner bent down and pinched his cheeks.

'Goochie-coochie-cooo,' the woman sang, while making faces at Toshiro. 'You know, under tens come free here,' the woman explained to the group.

Hitsugaya was about to speak when Matsumoto pulled him aside.

'Err Taichou maybe you should play along; this place is kinda expensive…'

'Well then Matsumoto you shouldn't have made the reservations then, should you?' Toshiro said.

'Eh Taichou just play along… please…'

Toshiro thought about Christmas, he owed her a lot. He probably owed a lot of favours.

'Hnn, fine,' he grumbled.

Matsumoto squealed in delight and rushed off to the others.

-----

'Shunsui, you know what?' Ukitake said, taking a sip of sake.

'Hmmm what, I am trying to sleep…' the captain in question replied.

'You know I don't think I have seen your lieutenant in quite a long time,'

Shunsui sat up, rubbing his eyes. 'Say what?' he said blearily.

'A little birdie told me she has gone to the new spa in Rukongai,' Ukitake explained.

Shunsui laughed. 'Ha, Nanao-chan would never go to a place like that.'

'Apparently she was persuaded when Yachiru used those _eyes_.'

Shunsui scratched his chin, as if in deep thought. Those eyes were quite powerful. He couldn't quite bring himself to believe that his lovely Nanao-chan might be having fun without him. It was worth an investigation.

'I think we should go and have a look-see,' Shunsui concluded.

----

Toshiro hung up a towel. The others had gone ahead in search of the baths. He sighed. He really didn't know what he was doing here, but if it made Masumoto happy…

…and anyways Hinamori was here too.

Toshiro perked up at this thought. 'Maybe coming here won't be too bad,' he said to himself.

Wearing a towel around his waist, he stepped into the next room.

Through the door was a huge heated bath area, which had an open roof, rather like a hot spring. He caught sight of Matsumoto and the others; they were sitting in the shallow area of the pool. When she had caught sight of her captain, Matsumoto shrieked in delight and waved him over.

Something was wrong.

He walked over to her, on his way he realised that there seemed to be an absence of men. He looked around. Not everyone had a towel on…

'Matsumoto, why are there no men?'

Matsumoto beamed at him and looked at him if the answer were obvious. 'Well, this is the WOMEN'S bath.'

Toshiro cringed. 'Wha-?'

'Aww poor Toshiro, did you not see the sign…' Matsumoto caught sight of the expression on her captain's face. 'Have you not seen so many naked women before?'

Toshiro screwed his eyes shut as two women stepped gracefully into the bath, depositing their towels as they did so. His face turned automatically red. Matsumoto was laughing. His jaw clamped shut.

'Matsumoto, of course he has seen this many naked women!' Yachiru shouted, happily as she prepared to jump into the pool.

Muscles in his jaw twitched, 'And pray tell, where have I seen so many undressed women?' Toshiro asked; his voice filled with venom.

'In your dreams of course,' Yachiru yelled in reply, jumping into the pool, creating a huge splash that managed to soak everyone in the immediate vicinity.

Anger marks covered Hitsugaya's face. 'Matsumoto-where-is-the-men's-bath-?' he asked slowly, pronouncing each word carefully.

'Aww, have you seen too much?' Matsumoto asked.

Toshiro didn't reply.

He stomped away; trying to find the changing rooms.

A woman came up to him, she was middle aged and –Toshiro thanked the gods for this- had a towel wrapped around herself.

'Aww, what a cute little boy, have you lost your mother?'

----

Nanao sighed. Maybe going to a spa wasn't so bad.

She was having massage done. She had first thought that it would be a total waste of time, but now she was there and not looking at an ever growing pile of paperwork she actually felt quite relaxed. She had to hand it to the masseur. He certainly had a way with his hands.

Little did she know that those hands belonged to a certain captain of a certain eighth division.

----

_10 Minutes earlier._

Shunsui was smiling.

Ukitake was not. He was dragging his friend by the ear.

'I don't know what you're so angry about,' Shunsui said, when he had been released.

'You just walked into the women's baths for heaven's sake!' Ukitake said. 'You're not here to score cheap thrills.'

Shunsui straightened up. 'You're right, I am here for my Nanao-chan and no one else!' he declared loudly.

People stared at them.

'That still doesn't sound right,' Ukitake whispered to him. 'Let's try the massage rooms.'

The two had been walking for some time when they saw Nanao. She was being massaged by a man, who Shunsui thought, had the superficial looks of a b-grade actor. When he saw the satisfied smile that played around Nanao's lips he suddenly felt jealous.

'Let me at 'im,' Kyoraku growled. It took most of Ukitake's strength to hold him back.

'Look Nanao's half asleep- if I knock him out, then you can take his place,' Ukitake explained.

Shunsui brightened up. 'That sounds like a swell idea my dear Ukitake. Why didn't I think of that?'

'Because you're an idiot,' Ukitake thought.

Shunsui cracked his knuckles and crept forward. Ukitake frowned. Wasn't he meant to be doing the knocking out? Shunsui looked as if he would murder the poor man. 'Err Kyoraku, it's not like he's taking advantage of her,' Ukitake said.

Shunsui waved his hand at him. 'Anyone and I mean anyone who touches my Nanao like that is going to get a beating.'

'Yes but that's his job and she probably asked him to anyways,' Ukitake explained. It fell on deaf ears.

'Nyeh, I think I should get a career change, from now on I am gonna be a masseur,' Shunsui said.

Ukitake frowned again, he had the horrible feeling that he had been frowning too much while in the company of his friend.

'Now why would you do that?'

'If that job makes Nanao ask me for a massage then, hell yes, I'm taking that job,' Shunsui said. 'Now be quiet while I sort this so called 'masseur' out.'

Shunsui closed the door behind him, leaving Ukitake in the corridor.

Ukitake heard a couple of muffled thumps, then silence.

A second later the door opened. A body flew out.

'And stay out!' Shunsui called out, he winked at Ukitake and shut the door again.

Ukitake sighed, he was trying to do something good but still somehow managed to still get the dirty jobs. He looked at the body on the floor.

'Well my friend, what are we going to do with you?' he asked the body amicably.

The body did not reply.

----

Toshiro walked down the corridor. After escaping the women's bath he had decided to have a relaxing massage. Today had not been his day at all. There were small groups of people scattered about the hallway. They were all talking about the same thing.

'_Y'know that new masseur… I heard he's really good'_

Toshiro frowned.

'_Yeah, he's at the end of the corridor on the right….he's meant to have awards and stuff….'_

'_Wow, I just came from there it was amazing…'_

Toshiro stopped walking. He had stopped at the end of the corridor. He faced the door on the right. It looked the same as the others. A sign said that it was not occupied. He knocked on the door.

'Please come in!' a voice called.

Toshiro opened the door.

His jaw dropped.

He stared.

Mayuri stared back.

'Err Mayuri, what are you doing here?'

'Uh, well, this is my, um…….hobby.'

* * *

**This chapter didn't turn out how I wanted it to. I also realised that it will take two chapters up. Nyeh nyeh. The next one will be heart-to-heart, I guess.**

**Will Toshiro let Mayuri give his special full body massage or will they skip straight to Bankai?**

**I can't see toshiro having a massage, at all, but god knows he needs it…**

**The next chapter will finish off the fight that Ichigo, Byakuya and Renji were having and it will finish all the spa bits. **

**Hopefully. If you feel like being nice please leave a review.**


	28. HeartToHeart

**I am at home ill... it is all rose's fault...**

* * *

Chapter 27

_Karakura_

Ichigo was panting. Byakuya always put up a good fight.

Renji watched from the sidelines. He would have been fighting himself but Byakuya ordered him not to get in the way and anyways he hadn't seen Byakuya with so much energy before.

Ichigo wanted this to be over. His essay was waiting. He feinted to the left while striking out. Byakuya dodged easily.

'Chire, Senbonzakura,'

Ichigo sighed as petals flowed from Byakuya's sword. He really wanted this to be over.

'**BAN-KAI!' **

Byakuya's eyes widened slightly.

'You know whenever you say that, you always sound constipated,' Byakuya said to him. Ichigo grunted and slung a getsuga tenshou in reply.

To be honest Byakuya was getting slightly annoyed by this fight, he_ had_ really wanted to get some crosswords done…

'Bankai,' he said calmly. Renji noticed this.

'Uwaaahh, Taichou, you sound so calm just like a cucumber!' he shouted. Byakuya frowned; he didn't like being compared to a vegetable. Instead of attacking Ichigo he turned on Renji and watched rather happily as Renji tried to bat away cherry blossoms.

'Oh my god, what are you doing?' Ichigo asked.

'Do you know how long I've waited to do that?' Byakuya replied. 'Renji is so fun to kill.'

'Yes he is,' Ichigo replied, thinking right now that Byakuya wasn't all that bad.

Renji activated his Bankai and finally beat back the relentless flow of pink petals. 'Jeezus! What the hell was that for? Have you forgotten what Ichigo did to Rukia?'

Ichigo cringed; he had hoped that Byakuya would be too occupied with killing Renji. Byakuya turned to him.

'Prepare to die, Kurosaki Ichigo,' he said.

'Don't you get tired of saying the same thing all the time?' Ichigo asked, sighing.

Byakuya stared at him, 'No, not really.'

'Oh.'

Ichigo came forward while slashing with his sword. Byakuya raised his and parried the blow. Renji joined in and attacked Ichigo from the side. The sound of swords clashing could be heard for miles around.

Second and Third happened to be walking down the same street. When Second saw the three men fighting he quickly shouted:

'Hey look it's a threesome! Let's join in.'

'HUH!?'

People were staring at the two clones.

Third looked over sharply, wondering if actual people would be doing it in broad daylight. He then realised that Second was talking about Ichigo, Byakuya and Renji fighting. He sighed in relief; he grabbed Second and pulled him aside.

'Do you know what 'threesome' means?' Third asked him.

'Errr… three people doing something,' Second said, still watching the fight.

'No, it doesn't'

'What does it mean then?' Second replied, looking at his clone.

'Uh, well it means, umm, three people in a bed…together…with no clothes on…at the same time… uh, doing stuff,' Third explained as vaguely as he could.

'Sleeping?' Second said, giving Third a blank stare. 'No wait, umm, lemme think. Oh I know, they were playing strip poker.'

'No you idiot, they are having S-E-X!' Third shouted. Even more people were staring, Second gasped.

Renji, Byakuya and Ichigo had stopped fighting and were staring at the two clones.

'Do not use such vulgar language,' Byakuya said.

Third turned to him, 'That wasn't vulgar, that was normal, what else was I supposed to call it?'

Byakuya frowned. 'I was thinking that you didn't have to say it at all,' he replied.

'Yeah, why were you shouting that out?' Renji asked.

'Well, my brother here said that you were involved in a threesome… so I was just explaining what that meant,' Third said.

Renji's face turned the same colour as his hair. Ichigo coughed. Byakuya didn't bat an eyelid.

'I can assure you NOW, that we would never ever do anything as sordid as that,' Byakuya stated flatly.

This was followed by vigorous nodding by Ichigo and Renji.

Second looked at them, 'Hey can I join in your little fight? Then it can be a foursome.'

Third cringed. 'Were you listening to anything I said?' he shouted at Second.

Renji pointed his zanpaktou at Second. 'You better shut that guy up otherwise I will,' he threatened Third.

Ichigo snorted, 'Yeah, as if. I bet that gay could beat you any day.'

'I concur,' Byakuya added.

'I think so too,' Second said mockingly, looking Renji up and down, sizing him up.

Renji growled. He made for the blue headed man but Byakuya and Ichigo held him back. 'Lemme at 'im, lemme at' 'im,' he grunted.

'I think it's time for us to take our leave,' Third said, dragging Second, who was making silly faces at Renji, away.

Once they had left the street Third said, 'I hope you have learnt something today.'

Second looked at his clone, 'Yeah yeah... sure I have.'

Third looked around, 'Wasn't First here a minute ago?'

'Hmm, I haven't seen him in ages,' Second replied.

'I wonder where he is?'

'Maybe he's in a threesome.'

Third whacked Second on the head. 'Just shut up.'

----

_Soul Society_

'So in your free time you're a massage therapist.'

'Pretty much.'

Mayuri stood on the far side of the room. Toshiro edged backwards towards the door. He wasn't really sure what to think, on one hand Mayuri was meant to give killer massages on the other hand this _was_ Mayuri and it was just plain creepy that he liked to give people back rubs.

Mayuri saw the young captain reach for the door handle. 'Hey come on, it's not bad that I like to give massages. It's not like I'm killing you or anything.'

Hitsugaya sighed and turned to the captain of the twelfth division.

Mayuri smiled at him.

'Why don t you relax and jump up onto the bed then?' Mayuri suggested, while selecting some oils from a shelf. Toshiro looked suspiciously at the shinigami before him.

'I'm not going to bite, you know,' Mayuri said after a while, Hitsugaya hadn't moved a muscle.

Hitsugaya walked cautiously up to the bed and sat on it.

'So, Toshiro, what brings you to the spa today?'

--

Matsumoto was lounging in the bath when she spotted Nemu. She called the other girl over to her. Nemu swam gracefully over.

'Greetings, Matsumoto Rangiku-san,' she said.

'Hey drop the formalities, we're all friends here,' Matsumoto said, gesturing at the others who were with her. 'So what are you doing at the spa?'

'Well, Mayuri-sama brought me here,' Nemu explained.

'He did, did he?' Matsumoto said, more to herself than any one else. 'And is he still here?' she asked, an idea already forming in her head.

'Yes, I believe him to be in the massage section,' Nemu replied.

'I see, I see, well if you don't mind me I'm just going to the ladies room,' Matsumoto said hurriedly. She left the others feeling more than just a little confused.

On her way to the massage parlour she bumped into Ukitake and what seemed to be a dead body. 'Is that a dead body?' she asked him.

He looked at her, surprise clearly written over his face, 'Umm, no, it's a knocked out body...'

Matsumoto poked the body. No response. 'What are you going to do with it?' she said.

'Well, I was going to lock it in a cupboard or something,' Ukitake explained.

Matsumoto tutted. 'That's no way to dispose of a dead body,' she chided. 'You have to be original about it, let's lock him in a freezer.'

Ukitake raised an eyebrow. 'That's just cruel, and anyways when did you become an expert in disposing of bodies?'

Matsumoto winked, 'Well that's for me to know and for you to find out,' she said. 'Why do you have that body anyway?'

Ukitake shrugged, 'He was a masseur but Shunsui took him out so he could take his place...'

'Why on earth would he do that?'

'Well because Nanao was the one being massaged,' Ukitake said.

It all made sense now. 'Oh,' was all Matsumoto could say.

'Yes, exactly,' Ukitake said. He walked off.

'Well after I'm done sortin' Mayuri and Nemu out, I think it might be fun to drop in on Nanao and Shunsui,' Matsumoto thought as she resumed walking.

Once she had found the room with Mayuri in it she burst through the door shouting at the top of her voice. 'Mayuri a hollow is ravaging Nemu in the women's bath, go and save her!'

Mayuri looked up from his latest client. 'She is?'

Matsumoto nodded, panting to add special dramatic flair.

Mayuri practically flew out the room to save Nemu. Matsumoto laughed. Toshiro looked at her.

The laughter stopped.

'Oh, hi there taichou,' she said.

It suddenly hit her that Mayuri was giving a massage to her captain, she wasn't sure if she should be surprised or a little bit freaked out.

'Was Mayuri giving you a massage?' she asked him.

'Yes.'

'Was it a good one?'

'Yes.'

'Do you feel more relaxed?'

'Yes.'

'Was it a full body massage?'

'Ye-wait, no. No it wasn't,' Toshiro said angrily.

Matsumoto looked at him, smiling at his frowning face. 'You know, you shouldn't frown so much, Momo doesn't like it when you frown,' she teased.

Toshiro went slightly red in the face. 'I don't care.'

'Awww, that was harsh...' Matsumoto said.

Before they could further this conversation. There was a huge crashing sound. In the blink of an eye a figure flew across the room and smashed into the far end wall. The two shinigami stared at the wall in front of them which was now sporting a huge man-shaped hole. Their heads slowly turned to follow the figure's flight path. The figure turned out to be a large pink mess.

'What is it?' Matsumoto whispered.

'I think I know...' Toshiro said.

The pink reared its not so ugly head.

'Shunsui Kyoraku,' Toshiro finished.

'Hi kids,' Shunsui said, attempting to walk in a straight line. 'Boy does Nanao-chan hit hard.'

Hitsugaya lifted an eyebrow, 'What did you do now?'

'Uh, well Nanao-chan had a towel, then she didn't have towel and I got blamed and ended up here,' Shunsui explained.

Hitsugaya sighed. An angry Nanao head stuck its way through the hole in the wall.

'And I hope that hurt!' she shouted at him.

Fake tears erupted from Shunsui's eyes. 'Waaaaah, Nanao-chan is being mean,' he cried, hugging Matsumoto and getting lost in her ample bosom. This earned him a whack on the head with that big book.

'You still have that book with you?' Matsumoto asked surprised while patting Shunsui's head.

'I have learnt to never to go anywhere without it,' Nanao replied.

'I've had enough of this nonsense,' Toshiro said and stomped out of the room.

'What's his problem?'

----

Mayuri was hurrying as fast as he could.

His Nemu was in trouble and needed help. He burst through the women's bath door. Never in his life had he seen so many naked women...

For some reason he was not complaining.

He spotted Nemu, towel intact, sitting with Momo and Yachiru.

He stopped in front of them, 'Where's the hollow?' he demanded.

Momo looked at him questioningly and tightened her towel. Yachiru squealed and shouted , 'WAAAA! Pervert, pervert!'

'Where?' Mayuri asked, looking wildly around.

'I think she's talking about you,' Momo said.

Zaraki loomed over Mayuri. 'Where's the pervert?' he growled.

Mayuri stiffened. He turned around slowly. 'Uwaah! Ken-chan, Mayuri is a pervert and a paedophile. He sneaked into the women's bath to get his jollies!' Yachiru piped up.

'Uh, you've got the wrong idea. Matsumoto sent me here,' Mayuri assured them. The women around him didn't seem to believe him though.

'Wait! I was just trying to save Nemu.'

'Sure you were,' someone said.

'Yeah, he's one of those peeping toms,' someone else added.

'Yeah, he's a sicko.' Similar things were being whispered and things didn't look so good for Mayuri.

Zaraki cracked his knuckles.

'Oh dear.'

Yachiru had started chanting 'pervert' and others had joined in. Mayuri looked at Nemu for help. She looked back, confused by all the commotion. No help there.

Mayuri drew his zanpaktou and gassed everybody. Luckily he had installed a non lethal gas otherwise everybody would be dead.

And that would be bad. He took Nemu by the hand and dragged her away.

--

_Karakura_

The fight was over. No one had won.

Ichigo gave up not long after Second and Third left to finish his essay. Byakuya went off in search of his crosswords and Renji was left alone.

Instead of finding crosswords Byakuya found a bar instead. He hadn't visited one of these before and was pleasantly surprised to find a clean, modern room.

He tried not to think of Rukia. He wondered how he could have been so bad a brother that he couldn't save her from Ichigo and his sick little mind. He sighed and had a drink. He sipped at it elegantly.

Before he knew it, the drink was finished. He found himself wanting another, then another. Soon enough he was wasted. Lost in his own thoughts.

The bar-tender chucked him out a little after midnight. His mind swirling, Byakuya stumbled down streets and skidded on wet pavement. After twenty minutes, Byakuya had had enough. He slumped onto a bench. He was finding it hard to sit upright.

Rain had started to fall. Before he knew it he was soaked to the skin. He didn't care though. He sat there in silence, the occasional car speeding past. Someone walked up to him. They were carrying an umbrella. It had frills. The figure had pink hair.

'You'll catch a cold if you stay out here to long,' Third said. He at down next to Byakuya.

'Yea, but... I'm..I'm a...a God,' Byakuya replied. 'I am indestructible!'

'You sounded like one of those things off Transformers Robots in Disguise,' Third said.

Byakuya laughed. Third stared, he had never heard the man laugh before. He wasn't sure if anyone had.

'Hahaha, what is a Transformer?' Byakuya asked.

'Maybe you've drunk too much,' Third said.

'Naaah, I don't think so.'

'Well, I do, you're as drunk as a skunk.'

'Bah, I'm no skunk.'

'You wanna bet?'

'Kiss me,'

'HUH!' Third looked at Byakuya. The man was staring out into space, he was smiling. Third would be dammed if he said that Byakuya didn't look kissable just then.

But Third had morals. However when Byakuya was practically asking for a kiss how could he say no. 'Screw morals,' Third thought.

He lent in. Byakuya did to. They were about to kiss but the alcohol took its toll. Byakuya fell forward, his face landing in Third's lap.

'Darn!' Third thought, 'I was so close.'

* * *

**I dunno if that was good or anything...**

**According to Rose I'm a sucker for a guy in a good suit.**

_**I**_** think I would be a sucker for a Mayuri in a suit...**

**That wasn't a very good heart to heart was it?**

**Uwaah, I'm such a coward. I was gonna make Byakuya and Third kiss then I couldn't do it. I don't know why. I just couldn't write that out for some reason. **

**Next time it will be back to normal story.**

**All the nice people out there, leave a review...**


	29. Turning Boys Into Women

**Meh. Time to update. Fun Fun Fun…I found a Tv channel that showed bleach which is amazing for people like me...**

**Well actually I just watch it on the internet but you get the point… I think.**

* * *

Chapter 28

The whispers followed Mayuri wherever he went.

In other divisions and even his own, low voices would murmur when he walked past.

'_Oh my god, there he goes…he's such a perv.'_

'_Eww, can you believe what he did to his lieutenant.'_

'_I heard they were having an 'intimate moment' in the rubble.'_

'_Eurgh, he's disgusting.'_

Mayuri had a horrible feeling he knew why these things were being said. It had something to do with that man…

Namely the captain of the eighth division.

He had obviously misinterpreted something.

Mayuri walked through the corridor of the secret lab. It was hidden under a small mountain outside the Seireitei. Here he would not be disturbed by trivial gossip or disturbing rumours. Nemu was waiting for him by a large computer console, next to her was a hospital bed covered with what seemed to be a glass lid. Lying on the bed was a single figure. A young woman: Hisana.

'How is our guest?' Mayuri asked. Technicians looked up at him. The whispers started. Mayuri frowned, he thought he had escaped those already.

'Would someone tell me what you are whispering about?' he said angrily.

No one spoke.

'I would like everyone to know that I did NOT kiss Nemu or have any INTIMATE moments with her!' he shouted. The technicians took a step backwards.

'Yeah right,' someone said from in the crowd.

Mayuri drew his sword. 'You wanna say that again?' he said menacingly.

The group of scientists shrunk back even further.

'Mayuri-sama,' Nemu said quietly. The words cut through his anger like a knife through hot butter. He instantly turned to her. He had thought that she had recoverd fully from the explosion but didn't want to take any chances. He had taken it upon himself to look out for her. Always.

'Yes, Nemu-chan?' he replied.

'I don't really mind what people say about us because I know it's not true,' she said.

'Really?' Mayuri asked surprised.

'Yes.'

At the risk of not rising to the occasion Mayuri said that he too did not mind what people said and ordered everyone back to work.

'I'm going to have a word with that Shunsui,' Mayuri thought to himself, 'and I think I'll treat him to my newly modified sake that I made especially for him.'

Mayuri turned to the glass covered bed. 'What are her stats like?'

Nemu was reading a print-out from the console. 'The heart is healthy and everything has developed as it should have. The only thing now is to wait for her to wake up,' she explained.

'This'll give me time to visit that confounded captain,' Mayuri said quietly to himself.

'What was that?' Nemu asked, not catching the words her master had just muttered.

'Eh, nothing, nothing, I was just rambling to myself,' Mayuri answered. He left the lab and returned to his temporary headquarters in the Seireitei. It was here that he picked up his special blend of sake and made his way to the division of the eighth head quarters.

He knocked on the captain's door.

There was no answer.

Mayuri opened it anyway.

The room was empty save for a large pink form lying on a couch. Mayuri sighed. He prodded the body.

Nothing moved.

Mayuri tried again. Shunsui emitted a grunt and rolled over.

Mayuri was starting to lose his patience; he pulled a voice changer from his pocket and changed the settings till he found the right one.

He lent in close.

'Ehh, Taichou, there's something I have to tell you…' he whispered in his ear. 'I'm not sure if it's appropriate but since you're sleeping…'

'Mmm, my lovely Nanao-chan,' Shunsui mumbled.

'I wanted to tell you that I… I …love you…'

Shunsui's eyes nearly popped out of his head, he sat up immediately. 'Really!?'

Instead of Nanao he saw Mayuri. It was not a face he wanted to wake up to.

'Mayuri you scum, what did you do with my Nanao?' Shunsui said angrily.

Mayuri waved the voice changer. 'You've been had.'

Shunsui folded his arms across his chest and stared at Mayuri hard. 'That was mean y'know.'

'It was the only way to wake you up,' Mayuri said dismissively. He held up the bottle of modified sake.

'Wanna drink?'

Shunsui frowned. Was Mayuri actually asking him if he wanted a drink?

'Is it free?' he asked. Shunsui had a one track mind.

'Yes, yes, of course it is. What's a bottle of sake between two friends eh?' Mayuri said jovially, patting the other captain on the back.

Shunsui lured by the fact that the booze was free, forgot to process the fact that Mayuri was acting funny and unusually cheery.

'Then I shall have a glass, if you don't mind,' Shunsui said.

'Forget glasses my dear Shunsui, just drink straight up out of the bottle!' Mayuri said.

'Really?' Shunsui asked.

'Yes.'

'You're actually giving me a free bottle of sake?'

'Yes, now drink it all up like a good boy.'

Shunsui did not need to be told twice. He finished the bottle in two gulps and promptly fell asleep again. Mayuri cackled for some time.

After this he left the room, for the sake's effects to take place.

----

_Later that night_

Shunsui woke with a start. He immediately knew something was wrong. He hurried into the bathroom and flicked the light on.

'Oh my god, what if it's the same thing that happened to Toshiro-kun?' he thought. He was thinking that this wasn't a bad idea.

He was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

He dropped his pants Toshiro-style and looked down.

'Oh boy.'

----

_Later, later that night_

_4__th__ headquarters_

'What is so important that you have to wake me up in the middle of the night?' Unohana asked yawning.

Shunsui fiddled with his pink haori. 'Uh, well, it's something like Hitsugaya's problem.'

Unohana gave him a piercing gaze. 'You had better see Mayuri then, hadn't you.'

'Err well, I was thinking that you could help me…'

'And why would I be able to help you?' Unohana asked.

Shunsui dropped his pants.

Unohana would've fainted then and there if she could.

She covered her mouth with a hand. 'Dear god,'

'Shunsui, why didn't you tell me you're a woman?'

----

_Next day_

Nanao frowned.

Her captain had taken a sick day. Although it was not unusual for her captain to sleep the whole day and not do any work, she couldn't actually remember if Shunsui had ever taken sick leave before. She wondered what this meant. She also thought it prudent to check in on him.

She hurried to his sleeping quarters. He wasn't in his room. She frowned again. Where could he be?

Shunsui was in fact pacing Mayuri's office. As well as changing 'down there' he had gone on to grow what suspiciously looked like breasts. Although they were not as large at Matsumoto's Mayuri had to admit that they weren't too bad.

'So you're a woman?' Mayuri said.

Shunsui glared at him. 'Yes I am,'

'That's kinda scary 'cuz you still have your beard,' Mayuri said. 'Actually if you shaved I think you would make quite a _handsome_ woman.'

'You sicko, what have you done to me?'

'Did you know that drinking lots put hair on your chest,' Mayuri said, not looking at Shunsui's face but a little lower. 'I wonder if that's actually true...'

Shunsui growled. 'Ok, ok, so I said to a couple of friends that you and Nemu were kissing under a pile of rubble, but that doesn't mean you have to turn me into a woman.'

Mayuri smiled. 'You spent your whole life chasing women, now you are one. Are you gonna start chasing men? I'd better start warning everyone. If you chased after Toshiro then you'd be a paedophile.'

'Are you even listening to me?!' Shunsui yelled. He was panicking.

'Hey buddy, just because you turned into a transvestite doesn't mean you have to get angry at me,' Mayuri replied, enjoying every moment.

'I don't want to be a woman!' Shunsui sobbed, tears were forming in his eyes. He pointed at Mayuri. 'You did this!' he shouted.

'Maybe I did.'

'Change me back,' Shunsui said.

'I don't think so,' Mayuri said. 'Not until you promise to stop making rumours about me and Nemu up.'

Shunsui bit his lip. Mayuri was thinking what Shunsui would look like with lipstick on.

Scary was the first word that came to his mind.

* * *

**That's it for now…**

**This chapter was a short one to get things moving and yes Shunsui has turned into a woman, he won't stay like that for long though don't worry.**

**The next chapter will be called Resurrection.**

**Guess what that will be about… heh heh**

**Thanks to Hearii who gave me the initial idea of someone turning into a girl. **


	30. Resurrection

**I have the flu... I spent the whole of Friday and the weekend in bed...**

**But all is good because on Wednesday it is my birthday...YAY...16...YAY**

**Being ill sucks**

* * *

Chapter 29 

Renji stopped outside the twelfth division headquarters. He had been running for some time now and was beginning to feel a little thirsty.

There was a large crate next to him.

Renji wondered what was in there. He peered into it.

Inside was sake. Lots of sake.

Renji being Renji didn't bother to ask anyone if he was _allowed_ to drink the sake, it didn't even cross his mind that it might be well past its sell by date or have been tampered with.

He took a bottle and drank it in record time.

He was asleep before he hit the floor.

----

Shunsui refused to leave Mayuri's office. He said it would be the last place anyone would go to look for him. Mayuri had to admit he was getting quite annoyed by Shunsui's moaning and was about to give him a cure when Nemu came through the door.

'Mayuri-sama,' she said.

Mayuri looked up, grateful to have some new company.

'Yes, what is it?'

'We have a problem,' Nemu said.

'What's the matter?'

'It seems that we have misplaced some of those special sake bottles.'

Mayuri frowned. 'You mean someone took them.'

'Most probably,' Nemu replied.

'Uh, well you did leave the crate _outside_ your headquarters, anyone could have taken them,' Shunsui said.

Mayuri glared at him. 'No one asked you, woman!'

Shunsui whimpered.

A hell butterfly flew gracefully through the window.

_**Mayuri, please meet Unohana in her office immediately!**_

'I wonder what she wants,' Mayuri said.

'Probably some bozo drank the sake and turned into a woman,' Shunsui answered.

'Yes, but how did she know it was me?'

'Whenever something like this happens, its always your fault and anyways before coming to you I went to see her first,' Shunsui explained.

'So she knows you're a woman?' Mayuri asked.

'I am not a woman!' Shunsui shouted defensively.

Mayuri looked the captain over, 'Right, whatever you say.'

Mayuri left his office and made his way to Unohana's.

When he got there he was surprised to find Byakuya there as well.

'Oh crap, I hope Byakuya hasn't turned into a woman,' Mayuri thought to himself.

'So, er, Byakuya, what brings you to the fourth division this fine day?'

'Something has happened to my lieutenant, so I am here to see him,' Byakuya said in a flat voice.

'I see, I see...,' Mayuri said, relived that he hadn't turned the head of the Kuchiki clan into a lady.

Unohana came down a corridor and ushered Mayuri into her office.

'Explain,' she said simply in her best teacher voice.

Mayuri had never liked school.

'Err, well, you see, I, err made some sake...'

Unohana's eyes narrowed, Mayuri gulped.

'I made some sake to get back at Shunsui, but as it turned out I made too much and left the crate outside where anyone could have drunk it,' he explained.

'How much sake has been taken?'

'I think about half of the crate,' Mayuri said.

Unohana sighed. 'So far I have had Renji, Iba and Hisagi, come in as the opposite gender.'

'There is an upside, the sake doesn't effect women,' Mayuri said.

'That's good to know, because I think Matsumoto and Yachiru drank some. I hope you have made a cure for this special 'sake''

'Of course I have,' Mayuri said, insulted.

An officer burst into the office.

'Unohana taichou, there's something that you have to see immediately!'

Unohana stood up. 'What's the matter?'

'It's Zaraki...he's...he's...just follow me!' the officer said.

Unohana left her office at a run, Mayuri following not too far behind.

Once they had entered the small room Unohana locked the door.

'Oh dear,' she said.

----

Once Mayuri had left, Nemu returned to the lab where Hisana was being kept. A technician told her that she had not woken. Nemu frowned, according to her calculations Hisana should have woken by now. She looked through the glass lid. Nemu thought she looked a little like Snow White, all she needed now were some dwarves and a prince to kiss her awake.

As it turned out, no prince was needed. Hisana's eyelids twitched then opened. She moved as if to sit up but her head cracked against the glass case and she fell back. Nemu signalled quickly for a technician to remove the glass obstacle.

One it had been removed Hisana quickly sat up.

'W..w..where am I?' she stuttered. She hadn't talked in so long. It was funny; she found it hard to speak.

'You are in a facility of the twelfth division,' Nemu replied calmly.

Hisana's eyes widened as she remembered.

'I..I...died?' she said quietly.

'Yes,' Nemu answered.

Hisana looked at her hands in wonder, she tried to stand but lost her balance.

'It's like the Easter story all over again,' a technician whispered.

'Why am I am here?' Hisana asked, holding on to the bed to steady herself.

'Mayuri-sama brought you back to life,' Nemu explained simply. She pulled a clipboard from her lab coat pocket and started ticking some boxes.

'How much do you remember?' Nemu asked.

Hisana thought for a moment.

'Well, um, I have sister called Rukia, who I abandoned...'

Nemu looked up, 'Anything else?'

Hisana gasped as more memories flooded into her mind.

'I was married...,'

'To who?' Nemu asked, wanting to find out the extent of the woman's memories.

'Byakuya Kuchiki.'

----

Zaraki was a man. A manly man.

He was virile and macho. A hundred percent beef.

He oozed manliness. There was no room for femininity in Zaraki.

He was so manly in fact that even a lady bug looked out of place near him.

Or so Unohana thought.

When Zaraki heard the door open he quickly tried to cover himself with the bed sheets. Unfortunately the sheets weren't Zaraki sized. His feet stuck out from the bottom.

Yachiru was sitting on the visitors chair, her legs swinging wildly beneath her.

'Unohana, please don't look,' Zaraki pleaded when he saw who it was. He caught sight of Mayuri behind her and frowned.

'What's he doing here?' he asked.

'Err, just to have a little look-see, that's all,' Mayuri explained.

This wasn't the answer that Zaraki wanted to hear. His eyes narrowed.

Yachiru bounced up to the two captains, 'Lookie lookie, ken-chan grew boobies and a fan-,'

Zaraki cut off Yachiru, 'I swear it wasn't intentional.'

'I didn't know something like spontaneous gender change could be intentional,' Mayuri laughed. Zaraki grunted.

Unohana wasn't really sure what to say.

Mayuri was having lots fun. 'Hey you and the other guys who changed should set up your own tranny bar.'

Zaraki did not find this humorous. 'No,' he said in a flat voice. 'How do I change back?' he added.

Mayuri smiled. Yachiru squealed in fright and hid under her chair.

'Yo, cut the creepy act and gimme a cure,' Zaraki snapped.

'Give me one good reason why I should,' Mayuri said.

Unohana glared at him. 'Just do it, Mayuri,' she warned.

'Fine, fine, whatever you say.'

Mayuri pulled a small bottle with a thick pink liquid in it.

'What's that?' Zaraki asked, eyeing the bottle suspiciously.

Unohana sweat-dropped. 'Is that what I think it is?'

Mayuri looked at her. 'Probably.'

Yachiru left her hiding place and examined the bottle. 'Is it candy?' she asked.

'No.'

'Is it a bird?' Zaraki asked.

'No.'

'Is it a plane?'

'No.'

'Oh, so then it must be super-,'

'No! It's just ordinary Pepto-Bismol,' Mayuri said, annoyed.

'Oh.'

Unohana sighed, 'Is that really the cure?'

Mayuri nodded proudly.

----

Shunsui was sleeping peacefully by the time Mayuri returned to his office. Mayuri slumped into his chair and put his head in his hands. He was drained, he hadn't realised so many people had drunk the sake. He'd spent his whole day curing women who were once men. For the first time Mayuri was thinking that it would be easier never to do something evil like this again. 'But it's in my nature,' Mayuri thought to himself.

Shunsui snorted and woke. He saw Mayuri at his desk and said, 'I hope you have the cure ready.'

'I ran out,' Mayuri muttered.

'Ran out of what?' Shunsui asked confused.

'Pepto-Bismol.'

Shunsui stared, 'Is there something wrong with your stomach?'

'No!' Mayuri snapped, 'Pepto-Bismol is the cure.'

'Really?'

'Yes,' Mayuri said. 'I don't have any left and Unohana doesn't either.'

Nemu entered the room, surprised that Shunsui was still there.

'Nemu-chan, do you know where there might be some Pepto-Bismol?' Mayuri asked her.

Nemu frowned in thought. 'Hmmm, I think that Nanao keeps some in her office desk.'

Shunsui looked up, 'She does?'

'Yes, she sometimes gets stomach ulcers because of stress...'

'I wonder what causes this stress,' Shunsui murmured, now suddenly very interested in the well being of his Nanao.

Mayuri and Nemu looked at the captain who used to be a man.

'Does he really not know?' Mayuri whispered to Nemu.

'It looks like he doesn't,' Nemu replied.

A light bulb popped to life over Shunsui's head. 'I know, since it is night time, Nanao won't be working and I can sneak some from there!'

He hurried out of the room.

'Nanao usually works at night, she finds it therapeutic,' Nemu said. Mayuri cringed.

'You should be telling him that not me. Anyway, was there something you wanted to talk to me about?'

Nemu looked at Mayuri, 'Hisana woke up.'

Mayuri sighed, 'How was she?'

'She was a little confused but remembered all of her past life,' Nemu explained.

'What did you do to her?' Mayuri asked.

'I let her go,' Nemu said quietly. Mayuri looked at her.

'Was that really the best thing to do, I mean, on _this_ day?'

'I think so.'

----

Shunsui was glad that it was night. No one actually knew he was a woman except for Mayuri, Nemu and Unohana. He wanted to keep it that way.

He crept along the corridors of his headquarters, everything was quiet. Shunsui was about to enter his office when he saw that the lights were on. Someone was already in there.

Shunsui swore. He knew there was a window in his office, so he went outside and looked through.

Nanao sat at his desk, studiously filling out forms and paying bills.

'Aww Nanao-chan, why are you working so late?' Shunsui thought.

Nanao looked at the clock and sighed. She wondered where her captain was. She hadn't seen him all day. She hated to say it but she was starting to get worried about him. It was at this time she decided to go and refill her teapot.

Once she had left Shunsui squished himself through the window and rummaged through the drawers of Nanao's desk. He nearly cried with relief when he saw the bottle of pink liquid.

He drank it in one gulp and waited for the change. It was almost instant. Shunsui examined himself, finding nothing out of the ordinary he hugged himself and waited for his Nanao-chan to return.

When she did, Nanao was greatly surprised to see her captain lounging on the sofa as waiting for her.

'Err, taichou, what are you doing here? I thought you were ill.' Nanao said, secretly glad that there wasn't anything seriously wrong with him.

'Ah, my lovely Nanao-chan, do you know what?' he asked, walking towards in what he would like to be called a manly way.

'What?' Nanao replied.

He gathered her in one of his bear hugs. 'I am a man.'

Nanao wasn't sure how to respond to this. 'I know.'

'And you know something else. I _really_ like being a man, I never thought I'd actually say that out loud but I actually do.'

'That's nice,' Nanao said, trying to get out of the hug but only succeeding in making Shunsui hold tighter.

'Aww, come on, Nanao-chan, don't fight it,' he said.

Nanao was getting annoyed. She didn't want to fight it, but if she didn't Shunsui would only make things worse.

'Bah, you silly man, let go,' she said.

'Waaah, I'm not silly but I am a man,' Shunsui replied.

'You should stop saying that,' Nanao suggested. What on earth had gotten into her captain?

'Fine, fine, I'll make deal with you. You hug me back just this once and I won't bother you again,' Shunsui offered.

'Really?' Nanao, said surprised.

'Yeah but on one condition.'

'And what would that be?'

'It has to be a proper hug from the depths of your heart,' Shunsui said, ever the romantic.

'That was very poetic, I didn't know hugs came form the heart,' Nanao replied.

'Ah, Nanao you wound me but what do you say?'

'Fine, I'll do it.'

'Excellent!' Shunsui said, who had been crossing his fingers the whole way through.

Nanao found that it wasn't that hard to summon a hug from the depths of her heart. She hugged Shunsui back and held tight.

----

(Brace yourself)

Byakuya sat in his room, staring at the small garden that was next to it.

He was a sensible man, he had told himself a hundred times that he shouldn't feel bitter on her anniversary. The anniversay of her death.

A gust of wind threw sakura petals into the air. A thousand arcs of the same colour. It was beautiful in a lonely sort of way.

As if sensing her presence he turned. She was there.

For a moment there was no expression on his face. In this moment he remembered all those other times he'd thought he'd seen her. Those visions brought grief only.

But this was something else. Somehow it was something different. Something more. Something tangible.

He stood and took a step forward. She did too.

His eyes widened as he held her hand. It was something different. It was real.

He held her close and before he knew it there were tears in his eyes. The tears flowed freely.

Hisana buried her face in his chest. It was familiar. It was warm.

He could feel her tears too and somehow it made things a little bit better.

* * *

**That last bit creeped me out, how did you find it? There we were reading about the adventures of Shunsui and then Bang! There's all this angstyness. Its out of place...**

**It was mushy, so mushy in fact I was wading through it like it was a bog..when I read through this I got to the end bit and laughed but I tried my hardest and thats what counts...**

**The bit about Zaraki being a man and that Byakuya bit came to me in a dream, 'cept it wasn't Hisana, it was me... heh heh I jest. It **_**was**_** Hisana in the dream...**

**I have an impressionable mind so last night I had dream where a rabid kangaroo in a suit came and punched Byakuya's head off...(thanks rose)...I can tell you I wasn't happy about that nor was Hisana come to think of it. Then to make things worse it knocked Mayuri's head off**** but then I blew it away with a shotgun...-its all RAWRIfied rose's fault...**

**When you are sixteen in England you can learn how to drive a moped... thats about it.**


	31. Because I Love You ?

**Since I last updated many interesting things have have happened…**

**First I had an interesting conversation with a classmate called Heta at lunchtime…**

**It went like this…**

_**Heta: Rhea you're like flat chested.**_

_**Rhea: Thanks, but you're only saying that because you have ample assets.**_

_**Heta (frowning): What does ample mean?...**_

_**Rhea: It means you have lots of or enough…**_

_**Heta: (thrusting her self outwards, shouting) Look everyone I'm ample!**_

**It was really funny at the time. Heta in that way could give Orihime a run for her money. No…I exaggerate but you get the point, they were bigger than anyone else's….**

**Today when in the car with Rose, my mother decided to blow me away with her geographical knowledge…**

_**Rose: I think the ambassador for Korea lives in New Malden…**_

_**Mum: Oh my really, maybe if we see him we'll get a free trip to Japan**_

_**Rhea: But he's the ambassador to Korea not Japan**_

_**Mum: Korea and Japan are different countries?!**_

**My mum wanted to go Japan because she likes to watch bleach on tv…**

**New Malden is near where I live sort of...**

* * *

Chapter 30 

Mayuri glanced at the scroll.

For some reason, the it hadn't been destroyed in the fire. Mayuri wished it had though.

He was pleasantly surprised to see that more tasks had been crossed out. Nemu peered over her captain, who was sitting at his desk.

'When did you complete the seventh task?' she asked, confused.

'When you were still in the burning lab I showed open affection for you and acted like a father,' Mayuri said proudly.

'That's nice,' Nemu said without much emotion or pride for her 'father'. Mayuri looked down.

'Guess the whole Byakuya thing worked out,' he said looking at sixth task.

There was a neat red line through it.

----

'Why…how can you be here?' Byakuya asked the emotion clear in his voice.

Hisana frowned for a moment, 'Well…Mayuri brought me back to life.' She had to admit it felt weird saying that.

Byakuya's eyes widened, 'He did what?'

'He brought me back to life, he didn't say why though…come to think of it I haven't even seen him yet, I only saw Nemu,' Hisana explained.

Byakuya hoped this wasn't a cruel dream because it sure sounded like one. He didn't try to comprehend what Mayuri had just done but held his wife closer, wishing with every fibre of his being that he wouldn't wake up. 'This is real,' Byakuya thought to himself, 'It must be.' He wasn't sure what he would do if it wasn't.

'Erm Byakuya-sama? You're kinda squishing me,' Hisana said her voice muffled.

Byakuya laughed through his tears. 'I love you,' he mumbled.

----

_Real World_

The day had come.

Rukia was going back.

He watched, forlornly, as she made her way towards the gate.

Ichigo found that he had mixed feelings about this. Rukia was probably missing her friends in the Soul Society and probably felt a little homesick. On the other hand he wanted Rukia to stay. If Rukia left Ichigo would miss her because he loved her.

Now all he had to do was to say that to her.

He wondered how he would do this.

Luckily for him there were a bunch of Mayuri clones created to help him do exactly this. Unfortunately Ichigo didn't really like the clones; their behaviour was illogical and well…_extreme._

Third, on the other hand thought his ideas were original and innovative.

----

_Some time ago…_

Third looked around himself, blearily. He had fallen asleep where he sat while waiting for First to come home. Third yawned and stretched stiff limbs. It looked like First still hadn't come home. Third wondered where he was. He glanced at his watch and gasped when he saw it was nearly one in the afternoon. Why had no one woken him up?

Third hurried to the bathroom to begin his daily morning ritual which consisted of teeth-brushing, facial cleansing, and applying moisturising cream.

He hurried to Second's room where he tried to find some clean clothes. Second was not known for his cleaning abilities and the only set of clean clothes he had was a suit. Third had to admit it was a nice suit, but even he thought it was a bit much to wear in the middle of the day.

He wore it anyway. When he left Second's room First walked past him.

Third blinked. 'When did you get home?' Third asked, shocked.

First looked his companion over and frowned. 'Going somewhere?' he asked, gesturing at the suit.

'No, it was the only thing there…and anyways I asked you a question first,' Third said.

First thought for a moment. 'I guess I've been here since about eight in the morning,' he replied nonchalantly.

Third gaped. 'You mean you've been here for so long and you haven't even bothered to wake me up!?'

First looked at him, 'It's not my fault, I thought you needed your beauty sleep…it's not my job to wake you up.'

Third grumbled something under his breath.

'What was that?' First asked.

'I was just saying that if you wanted your _lady-friend_ to like you shouldn't be so mean…that reminds me…you actually stayed the night at her house, didn't you?'

Third thought he could see a faint blush on the clone's face. 'Uh, yeah, so what?' First said.

Third wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, 'Yes well did anything 'happen'?'

First choked on a peanut. 'Eh? Of course not.'

Third smiled, ignoring the fact that the other man was choking on a peanut. 'Awww come on, you can tell your big sister-'

At this point First made a loud hacking sound and Third had to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre.

While he was doing this Second and Isshin entered the room. They watched in fascination as Third unsuccessfully tried to dislodge the peanut in First's throat.

'You're doing it all wrong!' Isshin called out.

Second looked at him, 'Shouldn't you be the one doing this?'

Isshin scoffed, 'Why would I do that?' he asked.

Second looked at him as if he were the village idiot. 'Because you're the doctor…'

Isshin gasped as thus vital fact dawned on him, 'Oh yeah, I am aren't I?'

Second groaned but this was drowned out by First's groan which was louder and more desperate sounding. First's face was going red. Third stepped aside and his eyes widened with admiration as Isshin successfully removed the peanut. First collapsed onto the floor, gasping and wheezing.

'He sounds like he has asthma,' Third said.

'Naw, I think he sounds like an old man after sleeping with someone…' Second said,

Third and Isshin looked at him. 'Just out of interest how do you know what that sounds like?' Third asked.

'Oh, I saw it on the television; it was about what old people do when you're not looking. It comes on every week.'

Isshin looked at Second, 'And what channel would that be on?' he asked, a glint in his eye.

Ichigo had a radar which went off whenever his dad was being stupid. He walked over to his dad and whacked him with a baseball bat.

'Dad! Stop being such a perverted sicko!' he shouted before returning to his room.

Third watched Ichigo stomp out of the room. 'What's up with him?' he asked, a forgotton First still breathing heavily on the floor.

'Ahh, he's just pissed because Rukia's leaving,' Isshin explained, blood pouring from his nose.

'That makes sense,' Second said knowingly.

'This gives us the perfect opportunity to finally get them together,' First said in between breaths.

The others agreed, each of them making up a plan to do this.

----

Ichigo grumbled as he climbed the stairs. It was true, Rukia had rung that morning saying she was to leave at three in the afternoon. He had just under two hours. He reached the landing and sighed. Who was he kidding? He couldn't stop her from leaving.

'An outright love confession might,' his conscience told him.

Ichigo nearly laughed out loud. He would face down the fiercest hollow but a love confession scared the hell out him. He felt as if he was out of his depth and quickly drowning.

He flopped onto his bed and shut his eyes.

There was a knock at his door. Third walked in.

'Hey there,' he said.

Ichigo looked at him with mild distaste. 'Hey.'

Third accepted this as a greeting and slid onto Ichigo's chair. 'So, I hear Rukia's leaving.'

Ichigo stared at the pink haired person. 'What's your point.'

Third offered a quick prayer which basically said something along the lines of 'Dear God I hope this boy comes to his sense soon…'.

'Look, buddy, just drop the act, we know you love her, so just go and tell her before she goes to a place you can't follow her to…'

Ichigo frowned, 'Have you rehearsed this?

'A little, but that's not the point. The point is you love Rukia and she loves you so why don't you all go mush and confess?' Third suggested.

'Oh just get out!' Ichigo said, throwing a pillow at Third.

Third muttered something but left he room. A few seconds later there was another knock.

Second came into the room. 'So I hear Rukia's leaving.'

Ichigo gave him the evils. 'Not you too,' he groaned.

Second put up his palms, 'Hey, there's no harm in trying, and what I am trying to say is that if you like someone that much you probably won't feel that way again for anybody else.'

Ichigo was thinking that this was rather deep if a little familiar.

'Didn't that come from the drama that was on the television yesterday?' Ichigo asked.

Second swore. 'Uh yeah, but it's the meaning that counts.'

Ichigo shooed him out and unsurprisingly there was another knock at his door.

First entered the room. Ichigo's eyes narrowed.

'So, I hear-'

Ichigo butt in 'Lemme guess, Rukia's leaving. News flash, look I don't care, okay. Leave me alone. She's leaving and that's it.'

'Really?' First said. 'I only came here because the others said to, but now I see you really don't need me to tell Rukia that you love her…too bad….'

Ichigo looked up. 'You'd do that?'

First smiled. 'Of course I would.'

Ichigo thought things were finally looking up. 'What would it cost me?'

First gave him a smile so crooked that the devil himself would be jealous. 'Oh Ichigo. It's nothing…we are friends of course….'

Ichigo had the horrible feeling that he's just sold his soul away. First left his room and Isshin came in.

'You failed.'

'Huh?' Ichigo said.

'You weren't meant to let Fir-Mayuri tell Rukia, that's something you have to do yourself. I mean she needs to know you have the courage to say it yourself and mean it,' Isshin explained.

'Where do you get this stuff from?' Ichigo asked, getting tired of all the advice.

'It doesn't matter! It is imperative that you tell Rukia how you feel before it's too late!' Isshin shouted, taking his son by the scruff of his neck. 'Look, boy, love only comes once in a lifetime and you're lucky enough to have felt it…how do you think I was able to marry your mother? And I can tell you now it wasn't my rapier wit or gentlemanliness.'

'Uh yeah, how did you marry her, I mean you are a total-' Ichigo was cut off by his father.

'Ichigo! Don't let your mind wonder, I was only able to marry her because I actually told her I loved her!'

'Yeah but that's easy for someone with your umm….personality. Saying stuff like that don't come easy.'

'Don't I know it,' First said. He was leaning on the doorframe. Second was stood against the wall and Third had put out a deck chair.

Everyone looked at him. 'Errr, I didn't say that out loud….hey guys focus….you only have forty minutes till Rukia leaves!'

'Ichigo, look I don't know how but you're going to have to tell her. Once you're there it will come naturally. Whenever you're near her I'm sure you just want to tell her,' Second said, reading from a gossip magazine.

'Naturally my ass…' Ichigo grumbled.

----

And so here he was watching Rukia walk away into the sunset.

First nudged him. Second winked at him.

Ichigo gulped. It sort of felt like the first time he kissed her. He didn't really know what was going on. For now, time had stopped and there was only him and her.

'Rukia, wait.'

'What is it Ichigo?'

'I love you,' he choked out the words slowly as if they were poison.

'I love you too,' Rukia said and hugged him.

Isshin clapped and patted his son on the back.

'Excellent show! Now just remember what we said and you'll be fine,' Isshin assured him.

Rukia let go of Ichigo and stepped out of her guise. Beneath this was Third. Ichigo gagged, they hadn't actually told him it was Third under there.

'I just proclaimed my love to the gay man!' Ichigo thought to himself.

'You could have told me this was Third!' Ichigo yelled at his dad.

'We had to make it credible and I have to admit the Rukia was very convincing.'

Third bowed. 'Thank you, thank you…I think I was always destined to play a woman it makes me feel so fresh!'

Ichigo kicked him between the legs and Third crumpled to the floor.

'Remember your gender, dammit!' Ichigo shouted.

'Ok kids, let's wrap this up. We're running late, we have to hurry,' First interrupted trying to break the tension between Ichigo and Third.

----

Rukia stood by the gate. She sighed, she had been so sure that he would have turned up to say goodbye.

'I guess that sums up what he feels for me,' she thought.

Urahara and Yoruichi had come to see her off instead. Even their jokes couldn't cheer her up. Rukia smiled inwardly when she saw Ichigo running towards her.

'Rukia! Stop!' he shouted.

'Why?' Rukia said.

'Because you were about to step in some dog crap,' Ichigo explained.

Rukia looked down and lo behold there was dog do on the ground. She stepped away from it.

'Anything else you wanted to say?' Rukia asked, trying to lead Ichigo on.

Ichigo's brain went into overload. 'Erm…no I don't think so,' he replied, feeling rotten.

'Oh,' was all that Rukia's reply consisted of. She didn't have to say much, her tone carried all the emotion she would ever have to express.

Ichigo, feeling wretched, tried to scrounge up some courage.

Urahara, watching from the sidewalk, felt that some exterior force was needed and chucked a stone at Ichigo's head. It hit him square in the forehead. Rukia's eyes widened.

'Oh my god! Ichigo are you ok?' Rukia asked, bending over to help Ichigo up.

'I feel a little woozy,' he replied, blood was pouring from his head. Rukia frowned at Urahara.

'What was that for?' she demanded.

'Eh, well I thought Kurosaki-kun needed some encouragement…' Urahara said in mock defence.

'You did more than that!' Ichigo shouted at him, lumbering towards the man like a drunk. He collapsed half way there and passed out.

'This wasn't how it was meant to go,' Yoruichi said.

'Tell me about it,' Rukia said, who had begun to drag Ichigo back to his house.

Ichigo was saved, for the time being.

* * *

**And so the chapter comes to an end…**

**I have realised that I have sort of neglected the tasks so its back to that I think... the fifth task if I remember correctly is something to do with recklessness and bungee jumping...**

**I recently went to a parent's consultation evening, and my mother embarrassed me…. she always does that….but after that my chemistry teacher kept giving me odd looks…**

**Another interesting story: My friend fell and had this really nasty cut that was round and really deep. It looked like a gunshot wound….**

_**Heewoon: Ow my leg it really hurts…**_

_**Me: That's ok just lean on me and I'll take you to the nurse…**_

_**Lin: (came out of nowhere) OMG…Heewoon what happened!**_

_**Me: she got shot**_

_**Lin: OMG by who!?**_

**People in England don't get shot often…**


	32. Sister Act

**Today was a busy day… I did my German homework, I did my ancient Greek homework, I did some IT homework, I even cut my toenails (boy, were they big!) and put up a chapter…get me…**

**ENJOY RESPONSIBLY**

* * *

Chapter 31 

_Real World_

Ichigo opened his eyes.

He found himself lying in his bedroom, the curtains were drawn and a glance at his bedside clock told him it was late in the evening. His head was killing him. He muttered something and tried to get up. That's when he noticed.

Rukia was still there.

Even is she was snoozing in his swivel chair, she was still there, in his room.

It meant something to Ichigo.

There was a bandage on his head. That meant something too.

Ichigo winced when he remembered Urahara chucking that stone at him. When it was morning he was going to have a word with that damned shop owner about that.

There was a knock at the door and Mayuri walked through the door.

Well it was dressed like Mayuri.

Ichigo's eyes widened.

'What the fu-! Who the hell are you?!'

The Mayuri frowned. 'I'm the ghost of the Christmas past. NOT. It's me dumbass…' The Mayuri proceeded to take off his face mask revealing Second underneath.

'Holy crap! What's with that get up?' Ichigo asked, loud at first then quieter as he suddenly realised that Rukia was still sleeping.

'We were just playing dress up downstairs and I was wondering if you wanted to join in…we need someone to play Matsumoto and since Rukia's sleeping…'

Ichigo narrowed his eyes, 'Hey buddy, I'm the injured one here, you nearly gave me a heart attack coming into my room like that and why the hell would I want to be Matsumoto…isn't that something the pink haired dude would do?'

Second shrugged, 'Yeah well, he said he wanted to Soi Fon-'

'Why would he want to do that?'

'Apparently she's more feisty and err tough or something like that…'

'I think that Matsumoto's hotter than Soi Fon…'Ichigo mumbled.

Rukia frowned in her sleep.

There was silence and Second digested this last comment.

'Did you actually say that?' he asked.

Ichigo cursed himself for actually saying that out loud.

'Err…no…'

Second nearly burst out laughing. 'It's a good thing Rukia's sleeping…so did you finally tell her you love her?'

Ichigo motioned for Second to whisper.

'No…I was going to but then Urahara threw a stone at me…'

'Aww well it happens to the best of us,' Second whispered consolingly.

Ichigo frowned. 'No it doesn't.'

'Well it might…' Second relplied, trying to think of a time when someone had thrown a stone at his face. He turned up blank.

Ichigo wasn't amused. 'I was going to tell her, then I sort of overheated and creashed…'

Second looked at him unsympathetically, 'You're a wimp. It's not that hard to tell someone you love them…look I'll prove it to you.'

Third walked into the room, wondering where his clone had got to. He was dressed as Soi Fon.

Second got down on one knee and took 'Soi Fon's' hand. He plucked a rose from his nose and took a deep breath.

'_When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…that's amore,'_ he sang.

Ichigo cringed. Second continued.

'Soi Fon, I just wanted to say before you leave, that I love you…'

Second finished rather dramatically and flourished the rose. Third was nearly in tears.

'Oh my god. How did you know? I love you too!' he squealed and jumped into Second's arms.

Second punched his counterpart away and turned to Ichigo.

'See, it isn't that hard,' he said, handing a handkerchief to Third. Third blew his nose loudly and Ichigo glanced at Rukia. She was still sleeping soundly.

'Thank god,' Ichigo thought…'Those two are so damn embarrassing…doing all their weird gay stuff in my room…'

'Ok, you had your fun, now get out,' Ichigo said, an anger mark visible on his forehead.

Third pouted 'Don't you wanna come and play dress up…you should see your dad, he makes a wonderful General Yamamoto.'

Second grunted, 'Yeah and if you don't want to be Matsumoto we still need a Byakuya if you're interested…'

Ichigo gave them the evils. The two cloned took a couple steps back.

'Then again you wouldn't make such a good Byakuya…' Second said, hurriedly.

'Yeah and I don't think you could be Matsumoto…you just don't have the chest,' Third said.

The two left the room.

----

Ichigo opened his eyes. Rukia looked down on him.

She moved away quickly.

'Oh, you're awake,' she said.

Ichigo looked around his room. It was morning now and light streamed through the windows. Even after sleeping he still felt tired. Damn those clones!

'Did you sleep well?' he asked her.

She looked at him.

'Err, yes I guess I did…how about you?'

'Well those brothers came and kept me awake for a while but you didn't wake up when they came,' Ichigo explained.

'I see.'

'Yes.'

The conversation died out before it had even started.

----

The clones and Isshin were holding a council in the kitchen. The reason for this was Ichigo.

'I think we should just get this over with and tell Rukia ourselves,' First suggested, he was getting bored of this task. It was dragging on and on.

Third sighed, 'That's just wrong, Ichigo has to do it himself.'

'Like that's ever going to happen,' Second snorted.

'Hey, Ichigo isn't that bad,' Isshin said.

'No he's not,' Rukia said.

The four men froze. Their necks rotated, robot like, till they saw Rukia who was sitting in the corner sipping at some juice.

'Holy cow, when did you get here?' Second asked.

'Ichigo was getting changed so I came down for some juice. You guys have pretty interesting conversations,' Rukia said.

Before anyone could stop him. First blurted out: 'Ichigo loves you.'

Third hit him.

Rukia laughed. 'That's good to hear, because I love him too,' she said.

They looked at her, mouths wide open.

'Why are you so shocked? I think I kinda guessed that he loved me…I mean it wasn't hard to tell….'

'You mean you knew?' First said.

'Everyone knows!' Rukia said. 'Even before I knew it myself.'

'Hold the phone…we tried really hard to get him to confess and you already knew!' Second shouted.

'Yup,' Rukia said, '…Although I have to admit it would be nice if he said it to me himself.'

'Strange girl,' Isshin thought.

----

_Soul Society_

When she walked the stares followed.

Never had she had this much attention.

But then again, no one had really come back to life before.

Hisana went into her room. Byakuya was sitting in the small garden that was joined to it.

He turned as soon as she entered.

She gave him a bright smile and sat next to him.

'How was your day?' she asked.

Byakuya stared at the grass. 'Normal,' he replied, not wanting to bore the love of his life with his paperwork adventures.

She laughed and lent her head on his shoulder. 'You haven't changed a bit.'

'Indeed,' Byakuya agreed. They sat in amicable silence.

She sighed. 'You said earlier that you'd found Rukia,' she said softly.

Byakuya froze and silently shut the book he was reading.

'Would you like to see her?'

----

_Real World_

Ichigo muttered angrily as he pulled on some jeans. 'Dammit,' he thought, 'Every time we see each other there is a silence between us…'

Similar thoughts were going through his head as he descended the stairs at speed. He stopped when he saw the clones, his dad and Rukia.

They were sitting together, enjoying what seemed to be Ichigo's baby photos.

Ichigo's face went through a rainbow of colours. It finally settled on bright red with hues of orange.

'WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?' he yelled at his dad, who was proudly pointing at some snap shots.

Isshin looked up, 'Hey Ichigo, I was just showing Rukia and the others these adorable pictures of you as a baby. Do you remember that photo I thought I lost…well guess what I found it!'

Ichigo rage was thrown off for a moment. 'Which photo?'

'Oh, you know the one where you got spat on by a llama.'

Ichigo stomped over to the table and ripped the offending photo to shreds.

'Hey, that was a great photo,' Isshin complained.

Rukia was looking at him. 'You were a really cute baby,' she said.

Ichigo face reddened again. This time not with anger but with embarrassment.

'Errr, you think?'

Rukia smiled at him. 'Yup.'

Ichigo smiled back at her.

The clones and Isshin edged away till they were a considerable distance away.

Rukia noticed this and laughed.

'What's so funny?' Ichigo asked.

'Umm, nothing…so anyway these photos…' Rukia changed the subject quickly and engaged Ichigo in a riveting conversation about photography.

Once the clones and Ichigo's father had left the room they regrouped in the clinic.

'This is good,' Third said.

'Yeah now they can have alone time…'Second said.

'Yes,' First said.

Isshin said nothing but stroked his beard. 'Now it's all up to Ichigo.'

Inside the room Rukia's cell phone beeped. She sighed and picked up.

She walked away and Ichigo was left alone by the table.

Rukia came back after a while looking more than a little angry.

'Who was that?' Ichigo asked.

'The Soul Society,' Rukia said with distaste, 'they want me to leave today…apparently someone is coming through gate so I am meant to use the same one to get back.'

'When do you leave?' Ichigo asked, afraid of the answer.

'In an hour's time.'

----

So once again Ichigo found himself heading towards a gate, saying goodbye to Rukia.

He still hadn't told her.

He wondered when the right time would come.

He hoped it would be soon.

Rukia liked to think of herself as a patient sort of person. Then Ichigo came along and her patience wore thin. If he wouldn't say it now she would just run away because then he'll definitely say that he loves her.

'Ichigo say it now or don't say it at all,' she said.

'Huh? Rukia what are you talking about?' Ichigo replied with nervous laughter.

'I've had it with you!' Rukia shouted and ran away.

She ran around a corner and disappeared from sight.

'What the hell just happened?' Ichigo thought confused.

He ran after her.

He turned down the same ally that Rukia had, this was where the new gate location was. The gate shone with a bright light. He couldn't see Rukia.

A sense of despair suddenly filled him. 'She's actually gone…' he thought.

Suddenly there was a loud noise and two figures walked out of the portal.

Ichigo choked. Maybe Rukia had decided to come back.

Ichigo nearly whooped with joy as he saw Rukia emerge from the gate. He ran up to her.

And for a moment it seemed as if the right moment had come. He took Rukia by the shoulders.

'I….I…love you,' he shouted at her.

The light died away. Rukia looked at him, confused.

Ichigo noticed the other person.

Byakuya stared at Ichigo with cold eyes. Ichigo then noticed that the person who he had confessed to was not Rukia, just someone who looked like her.

After a brief silence Byakuya spoke.

'You have ten seconds to rephrase that last sentence before I kill you.'

* * *

**Oh the drama….**

**That pizza pie song is real and it's really old...I don't know who sang it though...**

**Last weekend it was Rose's birthday party and I got her a Bleach 2008 calendar…it had a lovely picture of Byakuya on it for April…****If I had one it would permanently be April but if my mum saw it she would take it for herself 'cuz she likes Byakuya too…darn it…**


	33. Manliness

**This chapter is dedicated to ****Hearii**** and ****BakuraVampire**** who kept me company during someone's absence and it is not dedicated to ROSE...**

**S****orry this took so long...I got ****a new laptop and had to transfer all the stuff.

* * *

**

Chapter 32

Mayuri gulped and looked down. Cold wind greeted him. His eyes watered as he calculated the dizzying height. This was not good. Not good at all.

Shunsui pushed him over the edge and grabbed him as he was falling.

'Saved your life!' Shunsui shouted. Mayuri swore at the pink garbed captain. Nemu hurried over.

'Mayrui-sama, are you ok?' she asked, then turning to Shunsui said, 'thank you so much for saving my master's life.'

Shunsui would have laughed but Nemu had sounded so sincere that he could only pat her on the head. 'No problem, just remember that you're probably better off without him.'

The three were standing at the tip of the old execution grounds. Mayuri hadn't been told why they were there just that it had something to do with the fifth task. Mayuri remembered that this task was about doing something reckless. Mayuri dreaded to think what could be made reckless up here. He had a sinking feeling that it had something to do with the height of the land. After a few minutes Ukitake arrived. He seemed to be struggling to make it up the steep hill but eventually he reached the rest of the group.

He was carrying a length of rope.

Mayuri looked at it nervously. He wasn't really sure why though.

Shunsui was watching, the amusement flickering in his eyes.

'So my dear Mayuri, you ready for some bungee jumping?'

----

Nanao was a little pissed. Okay she was _really_ pissed.

The cause of this: Shunsui. Go figure.

He had managed to disappear from the face of the earth, taking her only link to her captain, namely Ukitake, with him.

She wandered around her division aimlessly. Amazingly, for once, she didn't have anything to do. The paperwork was finished. Schedules were being undertaken and yet there seemed to be nothing for Nanao to do. For some reason Matsumoto was also wondering around aimlessly in the eighth division headquarters. Matsumoto, on the other hand never had anything to do and that suited her just fine.

Nanao walked into a wall. Matsumoto, astounded, tried to think of a time when Nanao hadn't been watching where she was going. She came up with a blank.

'Errr Nanao did you just walk into a wall?' she asked, voicing her concern.

'Umm, yes, it seems like I have. Sorry,' Nanao pushed up her glasses and tried to walk off. The other woman wouldn't let her.

'Hold on! You never walk into walls, if anything walls walk into you, what's gotten into you?'

'Shunsui's missing...' Nanao said in a faraway sort of voice.

Matsumoto was surprised. 'He's always missing and not doing work.'

'I know, but for some reason this time there is nothing for me to do and I wonder where he is because normally he would be annoying me and well today...he's not.'

It took Matsumoto a lot of attention to listen to that sentence. She felt exhausted even though she had only woken up ten minutes ago.

'Oh my, you really do love him,' Matsumoto said.

'No I don't,' Nanao said, a little too quickly.

**'**Yeah sure whatever...you love him.'

Nanao was getting angry. 'I don't love him, just because he's missing doesn't mean my whole world's ending!'

'Honey have you seen yourself, you're walking into things and you talk like you're gonna kill yourself,' Matsumoto said.

'Shunsui is a twit!' Nanao shouted, heads turned their way, 'He's obnoxious, lazy, annoying, frustrating, stubborn. He doesn't take anything seriously... the list goes on and on.'

While Matsumoto agreed with most of this, she still had stick up for the captain who wasn't there to defend himself.

'Hey hold on there for a moment. My uncle once said that we like people for their qualities but love them for their defects,' Matsumoto said suddenly.

Nanao looked at Matsumoto. 'Do you even have an uncle?'

'Err, no...but it's the bit after that counts.'

Although Nanao would probably never show it, she appreciated what Matsumoto was doing. And of course she was right, even though Shunsui was a downright slob she was head over heels in love with him.

It was a given that she probably wasn't going to confess anytime soon.

Matsumoto hoped she could change that.

----

Shunsui smiled at Mayuri.

'Bungee what what?' Mayuri said.

'Bungee jumping,' Shunsui said slowly, exaggerating every syllable. 'Basically, you tie a robe around your feet and then you jump of a high tower or cliff or...execution grounds.'

Mayuri peered over the edge of the cliff. 'What's to stop me from slamming into the cliff-face?' he asked.

'Errr, your arms? Shunsui said, who hadn't a clue.

Ukitake decided to join in. 'Basically, bungee jumping is normally done off a bridge or something so there isn't anything to slam into, but there isn't one high enough so we chose the execution grounds.

'Ummm, just out of curiosity how many people have died from this bungee jumping.'

'Must've been a fair few,' Shunsui said. 'I mean it's not like it's a safe sport or anything.'

Mayuri looked a little green.

'In the olden days it used to be a coming of age thing, to show you were a man,' Ukitake added.

'Yes, you'd have to be very manly to do bungee jumping,' Shunsui said, enjoying himself.

'Hmmm, I always thought men who ate raw meat were manly,' Ukitake said. Shunsui nodded in agreement. Although Mayuri wasn't happy with the two men questioning his virility he sure as hell didn't want to do something stupid like jump off a cliff to prove it existed.

'Awww, don't be such a coward, Mayuri. If you want I'll come with you,' Shunsui said, who thought that if he could prove his manliness by doing bungee jumping then he could go and boast to Nanao about it.

Mayuri looked up. 'Really, you'd do that?'

'Yeah, sure why not?' Shunsui said, to him the idea of bungee jumping seemed actually quite fun.

This bolstered Mayuri's confidence. A little.

Shunsui had already tied the rope around his waist.

'So you ready or what?'

----

Nanao frowned. Shunsui had still not turned up. It was starting to annoy her.

Matsumoto had already left no doubt in search of a comfy couch to sleep on.

For once Nanao found herself envying the other lieutenant. It was ok for Matsumoto; _her_ captain wasn't a total sleaze-ball who constantly harassed her, in more ways than one. She wondered where he could be. She had tried all his usual hideouts, but had found nothing. On top of that Ukitake had disappeared too.

Today was not Nanao Ise's day.

She was about to give up when Renji came running up to her. He was followed by Matsumoto who wasn't running but walking. Running was an activity that required a lot of energy. Something that Matsumoto did not use often.

'Shunsui...he's...going...to...jump...' Renji gasped for breath.

Nanao stared at him.

'He means that Shunsui is going to jump from the old execution grounds.'

Nanao stared even more, 'Huh?'

'It gets even worse, he's gonna jump with Mayuri,' Renji added.

It was Nanao's turn to gasp. 'He's going to what?'

'Apparently bungee jumping makes you a manly man...' Matsumoto said, who was thinking she should invite her captain to go bungee jumping too.

Nanao wasn't even listening. She had in fact already left.

'Boy, was she fast or what?' Renji said, watching dust gather in Nanao's stead. Matsumoto shook her head.

'Hmm, that's what you do when you love someone...'

----

Mayuri had finally tied a length of rope to his waist. He was no boy scout but he had attempted to tie at least ten knots on top of each other. Now all he had to worry about was it snapping.

Shunsui was waiting for him. Mayuri thought the other man was being very gung-ho about this whole bungee jumping thing.

'Come on Mayuri, let's get started,' Shunsui called out.

Mayuri walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down. He found himself gulping. Nemu came up to him. 'Be safe,' she said quietly and retreated to where Ukitake was standing.

Shunsui went first. He stepped off the edge and plummeted downwards. Mayuri winced as he heard Shunsui scream his way down. Nanao ran up beside him.

'OH MY GOD! He jumped, he really did it...' Nanao looked desperately over the edge. She teetered forward but Mayuri hoicked her back at the last possible moment.

'Oh thanks, Mayuri taichou,' Nanao said, still looking over the edge of the cliff.

'Maybe you should take a step back,' Mayuri suggested.

'I need to see if he's ok,' Nanao replied.

The rope had long stopped moving and Shunsui was suspended in the air, gently swaying with the wind.

'Hey! Mayuri come on down, there is a nice breeze,' Shunsui called up. Mayuri thought he sounded terribly far away.

Nanao choked back a sob of relief at hearing her captain's words. Wait. This was wrong. She shouldn't be crying.

Nanao was angry...Shunsui shouldn't make her such a weak person.

'I'm going to get that man and when I do...' Nanao was muttering to herself as she flung herself off the cliff.

Mayuri stared. He turned to the other two who had been joined by Renji and Matsumoto.

'Did she have any rope?' he asked, dreading the answer.

All four of them shook their heads simultaneously.

Mayuri cursed and jumped off.

'I never knew he was such a hero,' Renji said.

'There are a lot of things you don't know about Mayuri-sama.' Nemu said quietly.

'Yeah, like whether he wears boxers or briefs and what colour they are,' Matsumoto said.

'He wears both...sometimes they have teddy bear print sometimes they are silk and black and sometimes they are just white.' Nemu explained.

Renji stared. Ukitake had a smile on his face. Matsumoto was looking thoughtful.

'I saw him once in nothing but his boxers...' Matsumoto said in a daydream voice.

'When was that!?' Renji asked.

'Hmmm I'm not sure...it could have been a dream, but I'll tell you something, there's a reason he wears a mask,' Matsumoto said.

Nemu silently agreed.

Mayuri's scream could be heard from all corners of the soul society. Ukitake and the rest were unsure if Mayuri had rescued Nanao and each of them winced as they heard an ominous cracking sound.

They looked over the edge of the cliff

Nanao had in fact been caught Shunsui. Mayuri unfortunately had a longer rope and, once his length of rope had run out, jerked to a halt and slammed into the cliff-face.

'Are you ok!?' Shunsui yelled at Mayuri. Nanao hissed.

'You're shouting in my ear,' she complained.

'Sorry, Nanao-chan. So what brings you here, did I miss a meeting or something, you know it's dangerous to jump off cliffs, even though we can fly...'

Nanao whacked him with her book; that had appeared from nowhere

'You silly man, you made me worried. Gah! You annoy me so much,' while she was saying this she was hitting him with her book.

She didn't even notice Mayuri being pulled up beside them.

Shunsui mumbled something and threatened to let go of her. She stopped moving immediately.

----

At the top, Nemu waited anxiously for Mayuri to appear.

It appeared that Ukitake was too ill and Matsumoto had no energy so Renji found himself pulling the captain up alone.

Once Mayuri been dragged up successfully, Nemu crouched over his prone body.

'Mayuri-sama, are you ok? We heard a really loud cracking sound,' she asked.

Mayuri looked at her, tears in his eyes.

'I broke a nail...' he whimpered.

'You're a disgrace to all the manly men out there,' Shunsui said once he had flown to the top of the cliff.

'You should eat some raw meat to redeem yourself,' Ukitake suggested.

Mayuri sat up and showed his broken nail. On his right hand on the middle finger was a ugly jagged cut across the nail. 'Do you know how long it took for it to grow that long?' he asked angrily.

'No.'

'It took...a...a long time. It was longer than the finger itself,' Mayuri said proudly, then he saw the broken nail and looked away sadly.

Nemu tried to cheer him up and led him back to the twelfth headquarters.

'How could you imagine him in nothing but boxers?' Renji asked as the two figures disappeared.

Matsumoto was watching as well. 'It's very easy you know, not many people have seen under that mask, those who have are privileged.'

'He's a twit,' Renji said after a while.

'A good lookin' twit,' Matsumoto corrected.

* * *

**And so another chapter finishes...YAY...**

**Rose and me had an interesting conversation where we discussed what Mayuri had for underwear...soon we were ****talkin****' about everyone's ****underwea****re**** and how ****byakuya**** just went commando...that****'****s manly that is... i think rose will add the conversation to her latest chapter wich is liek 39 or something...**

**There was this British cook called Heston Blumenthal and he ate raw beef randomly and I was like that is manly and my mum laughed at me...**


	34. I Am Not His Best Friend

**Once again rose wasn't at school...bah...now I am in a bad mood...**** so now this chapter is a serious one...**

**Byakuya goes commando because he is manly...**** thoughts like that keep me going...

* * *

**

Chapter 33

_Real World_

Hisana stared at the young man before her.

Ichigo stared back.

Byakuya looked at Ichigo with disdain. The seconds went by.

Ichigo stumbled on his words.

'Uh...I don't love you...per se...ummm I love this person who looks like you...who's called Rukia...' he stuttered.

'You do?' Rukia said, coming out from her hiding place which was an old dumpster.

Ichigo nearly cried out in shock, 'What the hell are you doing behind that thing!?'

'Just sitting,' Rukia replied, who wasn't paying attention. She was more interested in the person behind Ichigo and that person wasn't Byakuya.

Byakuya pulled Ichigo away.

'Hey! What are you doing?' he complained.

'You're in the way,' Byakuya said calmly.

The two sisters walked slowly towards each other. Ichigo thought it all looked like it had come out of a film but watched with interest as they embraced. He turned to Byakuya and wasn't surprised to find the man was as impassive as ever.

After a while Ichigo found himself becoming rather bored of the tears and hugs. 'So who is this person anyway?' he asked Byakuya.

Byakuya wondered how someone could be so stupid. 'It's Rukia's sister.'

'Oh, that's weird. If I married Rukia I would have a sister-in-law that looked exactly the same...'Ichigo said. Byakuya's eyes narrowed.

'Hisana is my wife.'

Ichigo choked on his words. 'Oh crap,' he thought to himself. Yet he couldn't shake off one thought.

'That would mean that _if _we did get married then we would be like brothers...'

If Byakuya was on his own he would have considered just throwing up then and there but he had an image to maintain and kept the bile well hidden. He looked at the orange haired teen. What was going on in that twisted mind of his? If Ichigo ever ended up being a brother he would seriously consider fratricide.

'I am quite happy being an only child,' Byakuya said quietly.

Ichigo stiffened, 'Yes...I was only speaking theoretically...'

Byakuya turned to him.

'Of course you were.'

----

Somehow Ichigo had found himself back in his house. This time his dad and the clones were all fawning over Hisana except for Third who was fawning over Byakuya. Ichigo was shoved aside and he retreated to his room, Rukia followed. It was then that Ichigo found some quiet time with Rukia. Kon poked his head out from the top drawer of Ichigo's desk. He wasn't really the person Ichigo really wanted to see right now.

Kon was about to throw his small arms around Rukia when Ichigo whacked him with a book, it sent him flying. His flight path took him straight into a wall and for a while lay quite still.

Ichigo sighed, 'I don't know what I am going to do about him,' he said, throwing himself onto a chair.

'He is quite the character,' Rukia agreed.

There was an awkward silence. The clock ticked loudly, everything was still.

'So...'Ichigo started.

'Yeah, so...' Rukia said weakly.

Before even any of them realised, they were talking. It wasn't about love and it wasn't about the weather. It was about Hisana, it was about where Bermuda was on a map, it was about when Third would finally come out. It was just talk.

And it gave them both a feeling of great content.

----

_If he's not my best friend, how can I love him?_

The old movie quote lingered in Inoue Orihime's mind.

Why? Oh, just because she had a best friend and she was hopelessly in love with him.

Inoue was lucky this way.

Unfortunately the one she loved already had someone to cherish.

Inoue was lucky this way.

Someone she did not hate or see as a rival.

Inoue was lucky this way.

To him Inoue was just a friend.

Inoue was lucky this way.

She was not his best friend.

Inoue was lucky this way.

----

Tatsuki looked at her friend and couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her. It was raining, deep puddles were formed in the blink of an eye, it suited Inoue's mood. She wasn't paying attention to the lecture; her mind wasn't built for applied mathematics. Instead she stared out of the window into the grey clouds, her mind wandering over painful memories.

Tatsuki jabbed her with a pen.

'Hey, Inoue, wake up, the lesson's over,' her friend said.

Orihime felt detached as if she wasn't really there. She heard Tatsuki's voice but it was muffled and dull as if she was contained in glass box only meant for her. It pained Tatsuki to see her friend this way, but she didn't know what to do. She had tried in her own way to cheer her but all she got in return were a few a half smiles and weak laughter. To be honest Tatsuki was getting a little tired of this new Orihime, she was distant and kept to herself, she was as polite as ever but never really involved with the rest of them. Even on the rare days when they met with Ishida or Chad, Inoue would try hard to be happy but it was acting all the same. There was only one person Inoue had on her mind.

'Hey, Inoue, you even there?' Tatsuki tried again, this time the exasperation showed in her tone of voice. Inoue looked up and found herself looking into the face of and annoyed Tatsuki.

'Sorry, Tatsuki, I was just daydreaming,' Inoue explained with false cheeriness that frustrated Tatsuki even more.

'Whatever, are you coming or what? I was going to the library and wait for the rain to stop,' Tatsuki said, she had a horrible feeling she knew what her answer what be.

Inoue made a show of thinking about it and replied, 'No, I think I will walk home, I have an umbrella so I don't mind the rain.'

Tatsuki wasn't in the mood for arguing and left the orange haired girl to her own devices.

----

Ichigo swore as he ran through the rain, it had soaked through his shirt and cold water streamed down his face. Small tufts of hair had plastered themselves to his forehead and his shoes slipped on the wet pavement. Why did he have to go? Anyone else could have gone? But no, only Ichigo was good enough to go and get drinks for his 'noble' guests. In his opinion the only noble one there was Byakuya and he hadn't even asked for a drink. And anyway, Third would have been more than willing to get a drink for Byakuya in the pouring rain.

Above him thunder boomed, the wind howled and trees bowed from the pressure.

He kept running.

Ichigo was so consumed by his anger that he didn't notice the figure walking towards him and he crashed into them. They toppled onto the concrete sidewalk. Ichigo lifted himself from the floor, he looked at his palms, they had been scraped raw and his jeans were torn. Something moved under him.

Lightning flashed, shadows jumped from the darkness. Ichigo's eyes widened.

'Inoue?'

----

Rukia heard the thunder rumble and stared at the dark sky.

Something was eating away at the back of her mind but she couldn't place what it was.

'Thinking about a certain orange-haired someone?' a voice at her side said.

Rukia looked around to see her sister standing there. Rukia had to admit it felt weird having a sister. It was new and to put it bluntly, odd.

'I guess I am,' she replied.

'Byakuya doesn't seem to like him much...'Hisana left the sentence hanging.

'He always seems to be there at the wrong time,' Rukia sighed.

'He cares for you, that has to count for something,' Hisana said.

'He's taking the older brother thing too seriously, he has to lighten up on Ichigo,' Rukia replied.

'Some people are just born not to get along with each other, these two I think are a prime example,' Hisana reasoned.

'There isn't even a real reason why they don't like each other...I think it's just male pride...'

'You make them sound like lions,' Hisana said.

Rukia was frowning.

'Byakuya doesn't strike me as the lion type,' she thought out loud.

Hisana smiled, 'Well he is. In bed.'

Rukia's eyes grew wide. The frowns disappeared. Her face was an amusing mixture of confusion and embarrassment.

'Ummm, that's nice...'she said, unsure of what to say.

'Hey, what are sisters for?' Hisana laughed and ruffled her younger sibling's hair. She was just happy to cheer Rukia up a little.

A flash of lightning darted across the sky.

----

'Inoue?' Ichigo said; the surprise clear in his voice.

'Ichigo.'

For a moment their gaze held in the darkness.

A brief roll of thunder brought them back to reality.

Ichigo stood. Rain kept falling.

He helped Orihime up.

'You're not hurt are you?' he asked, concerned.

'No, no I'm...fine...'Orihime replied, avoiding his eyes. She pulled her hands away from him and made to walk off.

Ichigo stopped her. 'Hey wait! You sure you're not hurt? I mean my house isn't far away...'

Inoue stopped. Cold water seeped between her shoulder blades. She shivered.

He held out his hand. 'It's pouring out here at least come and dry yourself,' Ichigo said.

Inoue felt his words; she turned towards him. She looked at his outstretched hand. It was meant for her.

She took it. Ichigo smiled. She gave one back.

'You came at the right time, Rukia is here also and so is Byakuya and his wife...'Ichigo's words faded away, drowned out by the pattering of rain.

Inoue heard the name and her smile faded, peeling away like cheap paint and she knew that this was wrong. It was all wrong.

Rukia was Ichigo's best friend.

Without realising, she had slipped on the paving. She pitched forwards and Ichigo caught her.

Her forehead rested on his shoulder. Ichigo's arms held her.

Before she knew it, Inoue was crying. Deep sobs that shook her body. Tears mingled with the rain.

Ichigo thought she was hurt.

'Are you ok?' Ichigo asked, only slightly aware of the situation they were in.

Inoue was silent. Her silence replaced by the cold wind.

Finally she found her courage.

'Ichigo...' she breathed, not even sure if he had heard.

Ichigo stiffened, her forehead still resting against his shoulder.

Inoue continued.

'Do you have room for one more best friend...'

The rain stopped, sky cleared.

* * *

**Btw, just for some trivia...fratricide comes from the ****Latin**** words 'frater' which means brother and '****cide****' which means to kill...ain't that something...**

**This chapter also turned out quite short...oh dear...but I didn't have anything write so I put Inoue in there...**

**Anyways...I thought I would put Inoue in there even if she isn't a character that I particularly like...****meh****...in the end she's gonna be with the Quincy boy...**

**If this chapter was to be dedicated to anyone it would have been dedicated to Rose...because she came back from her holiday, but then she didn't come to school so screw you Rose...no I jest...I miss you.**

**Rose and I**** have fun conversations about what all the characters have for underwear...you should try it out sometime...it's actually really fun...**

**So without further ado write me a review!**


	35. I Think You're Very Handsome

**YOP, SKIP AND JUMP.**

**Don't take drugs either...it's not big and it's not clever...**** and it sure as hell isn't funny...**

**I'd sit with Mayuri in a tree any day if you know what I mean...****heh ****heh****...it's one of those thoughts that keep me going...**

**Dedication goes to kurosaiki gaara...and bakuravampire gets a cheesecake with chocolate and vanilla, ha take that Rose! No i jest...since rose gave me her love i'll give her mine...****

* * *

**

Chapter 34

Ichigo moved so he could see Inoue's face.

'Of course we can be best friends, I thought we already were,' he said laughing.

Inoue smiled back. It was clear now. She would only ever be a friend. She would never be his best friend. It was just one of those things.

Her smile faltered.

Ichigo noticed, 'What's the matter? You ill or something?' he asked, not realising the significance of the whole scene.

Inoue laughed at Ichigo's cluelessness, it was one of those things that Inoue had quickly learnt to love about him.

'Ichigo did you know that you live once, die once and fall in love once. That's it,' Inoue told him through her laughter.

'Really?' Ichigo replied, not having really thought about this before.

'Yes, so go back to Rukia because she is waiting for you,' she said.

'I guess I should then. Well it was good to see you around, hopefully we can meet some other time,' Ichigo answered and left, running all the way to his house. To Rukia.

The sun was shining, a rainbow cascaded across the sky. Inoue smiled. Thing were looking up.

She thought it was high time she opened that large tub of Ben and Jerry's.

----

Ichigo wasn't really sure why he was running. All he knew was that he was going to see Rukia and tell her how he feels...properly.

A surprised Third opened the door, he squealed when Ichigo rushed passed, flicking him with rain water.

Ichigo kicked off his shoes and headed towards the living room door. He was about to burst through when he bumped into Byakuya, who was standing in the doorway, effectively barring Ichigo's way. There was silence between the two.

'Would you please move? I need to speak with Rukia,' Ichigo asked, trying hard to sound polite and urgent at the same time.

Byakuya stood regarding Ichigo carefully.

A muscle moved in his jaw.

And for once he did not pick a fight with the young man but stepped aside, not even batting an eyelid.

Ichigo was surprised by this but did not linger. He took Rukia bodily out from the room, Byakuya still standing by the door, and dragged her into the street.

Byakuya shut the door. Hisana looked at him, smiling.

'I haven't been here that long but I can tell that just stepping aside took a lot of effort and for some reason I can't help but feel like I should be proud of you,' she said.

Byakuya turned to her, offering a smile.

Isshin had the feeling that he was invading and left for the kitchen.

Second was watching the television, oblivious to all the emotion.

----

'What was that for?' Rukia asked squinting in the bright sunlight.

'Umm well...I wanted to tell you something...important...'Ichigo started.

'Ok then,' Rukia replied, encouraging Ichigo.

Ichigo mumbled something to himself and took a deep breath.

'Rukia, I have wanted to tell you this for a long time...' the words caught in his throat.

'Tell me what?'

'That I-I love you.'

----

Mayuri was very annoyed. He had been sleeping when the alarm sounded. He groaned and pulled himself out of bed. Nemu knocked on his door. He let her in and turned on the lights.

'Mayuri-sama, you are needed immediately,' his lieutenant told him.

'I don't care! Wait till I get dressed first,' he snapped back.

The fact that Mayuri wasn't wearing much didn't affect Nemu, somewhere along the line she had gotten used to seeing the horrific scars and disfigurements. There was a kind of understanding between them; beyond captain and lieutenant there was something else, something deeper.

Before Mayuri could even reach for his mask another alarm sounded. Nemu pulled Mayuri out of the room.

'Nemu what is the meaning of this?' Mayuri asked, aware of the stares he was attracting.

'We must hurry, there might be danger,' Nemu said as an explanation.

'Oooooh, danger...sounds exciting,' Shunsui said who was running beside Nemu.

Mayuri looked at him, 'What on earth are you doing here, shouldn't you be harassing your lieutenant or something?'

Shunsui pouted, 'Well sorry, I thought you might need some help, and my dear Mayuri why aren't you wearing your mask?' Shunsui asked, not trying to hide the fact he too was staring at his face.

'To be frank people don't really wear masks to bed, do they?,' Mayuri explained, 'I was literally pulled out of bed so I didn't get time to put it on.'

Shunsui tutted, 'Dear me, it looks like your stealing away my female following,' Shunsui said. And so he was, as they ran by officers would stop and stare at the, to be honest, striking man with blue hair and gold eyes running down the corridor.

'I don't really care about that,' Mayuri said nonchalantly, when really he was quite taken with the fact that people had actually stopped to look at him. It didn't happen often and when it did it was usually because they were making fun of him.

They entered a small lab.

A technician waved them over while staring agog at Mayuri's face.

'Is there something wrong?' he asked the technician.

'Erm, no, it's just that I have never seen your face before...' the poor man said.

'Well you were looking at me as if there was something wrong with it. Is there?' he snapped back.

The technician jumped, 'No sir...you have a very...ummm...nice face...'

'Thank you.'

Shunsui clucked, 'Mayuri my dear man, I don't think that was really a compliment.'

Mayuri looked at him, 'Of course it was; he said my face was nice!'

'I think he was just scared if he said you were butt ugly,' Shunsui said practically.

'Oh.' Mayuri turned back to the scientist. 'Am I butt ugly?'

The poor technician nearly pissed himself. It _was_ a nice face, if you were the sort that went after the more rugged, scarred look. Unfortunately this technician wasn't one of those people.

Nemu, however, as if sensing the man's dilemma interrupted.

'Mayuri-sama, I think you are very handsome,' she said.

Mayuri was temporarily thrown off for a moment.

Shunsui whistled through his teeth, 'Now that was a real humdinger of a compliment.'

Mayuri was still pondering about what Nemu had just said and had to be dragged away to the adjoining chamber.

By then the scroll had stopped smoking.

He walked up and, it from its plinth and unravelled it. He read the new addition to the list of completed tasks.

'Well it took them long enough,' he said to himself.

----

The clones and Isshin were huddled in the kitchen. A few minutes before they had received the confirmation. The second task was officially over.

'I feel like I have nothing to do now,' Second said.

'I know what you mean,' Third agreed.

'Technically we still have six tasks left,' First said.

Isshin frowned, 'Hold on, I thought you had only done like three.'

'True, but it looks like the real Mayuri has been busy, apparently he's been a father to Nemu and has gone bungee jumping.'

'Wow, he must be a manly man,' Third commented.

The group lapsed into silence.

After about ten minutes Third spoke. 'I'm bored,' he whined.

'What do we normally do when not thinking of ways to get Rukia and Ichigo together,' Second asked.

Silence.

'We are always thinking of ways for them to get together. We have no lives. Now that those two are together we really don't have anything to do,' Second said sadly.

'What other tasks can we do?' Third asked, they all turned to First who had committed to memory all twelve tasks.

First thought for a moment, 'Well some of them can only be done in the Soul Society by the real Mayuri, so that only leaves a few others. What about doing something charitable?' First suggested.

Second narrowed his eyes, 'Count me out for that one, isn't there anything else?'

'Well there is getting laid, but you're not allowed to do that one, so no. I've decided that we must do something charitable,' First announced.

'Who made you the leader?' Second asked angrily.

'I did,' First replied.

'But that's not fair,' Third argued.

'That, my friends, is why it is called a dictatorship,' First said.

'I think we should vote on it,' Isshin said.

All three clones turned to him, 'You're not even one of us!' they shouted at the same time.

Isshin pouted and sat in the corner of the room.

'By the way, what is our charitable act going to be?' Third asked.

'I haven't thought of that yet,' First answered as if this wasn't a big deal at all.

'Some leader you are,' Second muttered. First glared at him.

'Anyways, I was thinking that we needed to do something that would take a lot of our time up so we don't find ourselves without anything to do,' First continued.

'Hmmm... you mean like having a task that was similar to the old one, so in a nutshell we are getting to people together. Again,' Third finished.

Isshin's ears pricked up. He slid over to the clones.

'You know what? I think I know the perfect people for that.'

---

'Wow, I actually said it,' Ichigo thought.

Rukia filled the stunned silence.

'I was wondering when you'd say it,' she said, laughing at him.

Ichigo looked blank for a moment. 'You mean you already knew?'

Rukia stared at him, 'Of course I did, I think everyone in the whole town knew.'

Ichigo mumbled something to himself. Rukia started to walk towards his house.

Ichigo grabbed her hand.

'Hey aren't you forgetting something?' he said.

Rukia laughed, 'As if I would forget. Ichigo Kurosaki, I love you.'

Ichigo pulled her towards him and kissed her in the early evening sunshine.

Ichigo broke the kiss, their foreheads resting against each others'. They smiled.

'Don't stop,' Rukia mumbled.

* * *

**Another ****shorty**** chapter just to get things moving.**

**By the way I am all for the rugged look, Aragorn and all that...its fun making silly comments like that all the time...**

**Me, being a total fool, actually forgot what the tasks were and how many had been completed but luckily I found the list I had created and I have realised that one of tasks is no good.**

**So I need your help...please help me with any ideas you come up with...**

**If you don't review, I will chuck ****poo****, at you...**

**I am a really bad poet but I hope you get the idea...**


	36. Kidnapping Uryuu Ishida

**For some reason I am really happy...**

**I am not sure why...**

**But in terms of dedications and so on ****Forthwo for being dedicated**** and viashino wizard gets it ****cuz****' they made a good task...but ****ur**** not gonna find out what it is...till later...**

**Maybe...so anyways...on with the story...

* * *

**

Chapter 35

Ishida was running.

Someone was following him. He wasn't sure who it was but they did seem rather familiar. He just couldn't place the face...

His stalker was running too.

At first Ishida thought it was a coincidence, but then he crossed the road. The figure followed him.

He turned down an alley. The figure followed.

This went on for some time, till the figure was a couple of yards behind Ishida.

Ishida was running.

Second swore.

----

_A few hours earlier_

'Right the special plan is to get Inoue and Ishida together!' Isshin shouted.

The clones and Isshin had created a small briefing area in the kitchen. Yuzu wasn't at all happy about this but still listened with interest at their conversations.

'How do we do that? Inoue doesn't like Ishida _that way_,' Third said.

'Compromise people, compromise...since Inoue isn't getting the one she wants we'll give her a different one who cares,' Isshin explained, looking triumphantly around.

'Could you talk about them as if they're people, please?' Second asked.

'They aren't people though, they are play things...'Isshin said.

The clones looked at him. 'You're worse than the real Mayuri,' First commented.

Isshin pouted. 'Am not! I just think it's easier this way. Now, back to the plan...since I am the leader I don't have to make a plan, I have people to make ones for me.'

He turned to First, 'You there, how should we get those two together?'

First sighed and before he could speak, Third interrupted. 'I know, I know. Pick me!'

Isshin let him speak.

'I think we should kidnap Inoue then send a ransom note to Uryuu who will then come and save her,' Third suggested.

Second looked at him with disgust, 'That's as bad as my one about shutting them in a basement,' he said.

First shook his head, 'Nothing is as bad as that one.'

Second shot him a glance.

----

Steam fogged up Ishida's glasses. The rain was falling heavily.

He slipped on the wet pavement.

Second caught up with him.

There was a strategically placed white van at the end of the road.

The side door was open.

Second pushed Ishida into the opening and slammed the door shut.

---

Inoue was walking home from college when she noticed she was being followed. Normally she wouldn't have been so worried but since Tatsuki wasn't with her she felt a little worried. What worried her even more was that her stalker seemed to have bright pink hair.

----

_A few hours earlier_

After Second was done glaring at First, Third spoke.

'How about we kidnap Uryuu instead and have Inoue save him?'

Isshin thought over this, 'That's not a bad idea since Ishida has lost his powers.'

Second frowned, 'This is all backwards!' he shouted.

'No it's not...I think it's a bit sexist if the men have to keep saving the women,' Yuzu piped up while cutting carrots.

All four men looked at her, 'Women can't save men,' Second said in a flat voice.

'You can believe that if you want but then you won't be getting any dinner,' Yuzu scolded.

Third giggled, 'Ummmmm, Second's being naughty.'

'That goes for all of you!' Yuzu warned.

Third stopped giggling, Second smirked.

First took over, 'I don't know about you but I'm starving. I think we should just grab Ishida.'

'I'll do that,' Second volunteered, eager for a chance to rough somebody up.

'Fine, but make sure he doesn't get hurt too much, break his glasses or something,' Third suggested.

'Why his glasses?' Second asked confused.

'I think they are an abomination to all fashion glasses,' Third said.

'You don't even wear glasses,' Second said.

'That's not the point, he should have gone to Specsavers,' Third muttered.

'Oh just be quiet! The both of you,' First said angrily.

Isshin looked confused for a moment, 'Hold on, how do we make sure Inoue knows where to go?'

There was silence at this remark.

The sound of Yuzu cutting vegetables filled the kitchen. The kettle whistled.

'Maybe we should kidnap Ishida so that Inoue sees him getting kidnapped then we should like drop the address or something so she can find him,' Second suggested.

Third snorted, 'How are you going to get Inoue to see this?'

'We'll chase her there,' First answered for him.

'Huh?'

First sighed, 'Second will chase Ishida into a van, at the same time you will chase Inoue to the street where Ishida is getting kidnapped.'

'I see, but why do I gotta do it?'Third asked.

'Because I don't think it's right to chase young women about,' First replied, not telling them that there was a storm scheduled to appear later.

----

Inoue broke into a sort of half run.

Third followed with quick steps.

She turned down the next street and swung her school bag around. For once she was grateful for her maths textbook. It swung true and smacked straight into Third's face. There was a dull crunching sound and Third howled in pain. Inoue kept running aware that her stalker hadn't stopped following her.

She saw headlights in the distance and sped up. Third stumbled after her, holding his nose which was streaming blood.

As Inoue approached the vehicle she watched in horror as she saw Ishida being bundled into a van. The doors slid shut and the van rattled away.

She stood there silent for a moment.

She then realised that she was being chased and gasped. She turned around.

The stalker was gone. In his place there was a laminated piece of card. She picked it up.

iF YOU WANT uRYUU ISHISA BACK TheN COME AND GeT Him AT THE ADDRESS LIsTEd BeLOw.

iF YoU dON't THeN WE wILl KIlL HIM. dON'T TELL THE pOLiCE OR wE WIlL KIlL YOu.

aND YOU DON'T WANT ThAt DO YOU?

The note went on to give a clearly printed address on the back, along with a colour map and directions from her house.

Despite kidnapping one of her best friends, she thought they were awfully considerate criminals.

----

First read a copy of the ransom note. He tried to think why on Earth someone would give a colour map and directions to their hideout.

'Who made this?' First asked. He was sitting at the front of the van, next to Isshin who was driving. Ishida and Second were in the back. Ishida knocked out and Second with a rather happy smile on his face.

'I did,' answered Isshin.

'Was it really necessary to give a map and everything?' First questioned, exasperatedly.

Isshin looked at him, 'Of course it was, I needed to make sure Inoue knew where to go, sometimes that girl won't notice what's in front of her till you spell it out.'

The van swerved through the traffic.

'Bloody hell, watch where you're going man!' First yelled, as they avoided a head on collision.

'Oops, my bad,' Isshin said, keeping his gaze firmly on the road.

After a while they slowed to halt and waited.

A few minutes ticked by and one of the doors slid open. Third flopped down onto a seat, looking a little worse for wear.

'Wow, what happened to you?' Second asked over the slumped form of Ishida, 'We waited for ages.'

'I had to get some painkillers,' Third said in a blocked-nose sort of way. He was holding his nose with a blood stained handkerchief.

'Let's see,' First said, when Isshin had resumed driving.

Third moved his hand away, wincing as he did so.

The two clones looked with mixed emotions on their faces.

'It's not that bad...' Second said, nearly in tears from laughing.

'She broke my freakin' nose!' Third shouted, he was popping aspirin as casually as one would candy.

'It's really broken?' First asked.

Third tried sniff but the pain in his nose grew worse and took a deep sigh through his mouth. 'Yes, she whacked me one with her school-bag,' he explained. 'I went to a chemist and they said I should have gone to the hospital.'

'It doesn't matter, we have regenerative powers, you're nose will turn normal after a couple of hours,' First said.

'That doesn't stop it hurting,' Third mumbled and swallowed another pill, after a while his head fell back and he looked like he might be asleep.

Second frowned, 'Hold the phone...' he muttered to himself. First turned around in his seat.

'What's the matter now?' he asked.

Second was holding the medicine bottle.

'This isn't aspirin.'

First frowned, 'What is it then?'

'Therapeutic marijuana.'

Both men turned to look at their sleeping friend.

Second looked a little jealous.

----

Ishida stirred. He felt a little sick and there was a rather shiny bruise on his forehead that had formed a bump. He looked around. It was a large room, the lights weren't on but he could make out a dead skeleton of a tree in the corner of the room. Even this place seemed familiar to him. He tried to move but found that he was tied to an old wooden chair with some rope. He squirmed but the rope held firm. He sighed and relaxed in the chair. His logical mind already thinking over his situation.

After what seemed like hours, Uryuu found his stomach rumbling and his head aching.

A figure crept into view. They flicked a switch and the room was filled with light. Ishida realised that he wasn't in a room but a large warehouse. There was a dying Christmas tree in the corner. It was all coming back now.

'You!' Ishida gasped, suddenly realising where he was.

'Me?' Third replied. After waking up in the warehouse he had proceeded to finish the remaining pills even though his broken nose had returned to its normal state. The others were not there.

'Yes, you. You were at the party,' Ishida said.

'I was?' Third asked, floating through the room feeling a little dazed. His head felt fuzzy but Third found himself enjoying this feeling.

'Ummm, are you ok?' Ishida asked, watching the man warily.

'Hmmm? Are you talking to me, young man? I'm fine, in fact I feel rather fabulous,' Third replied, skipping around him in dizzying circles.

'Why have you kidnapped me?' Ishida asked.

Third stood still for a moment and Ishida hoped he would get a straight answer. No such luck.

'Weeeel, I don't weally know. Do you know what I like? I like takoyaki!' Third sung, as if he was a little child.

Ishida sighed. 'Stop talking like a child,' he said.

Third pouted and ran off turning the lights off as he did so.

Ishida wondered when he would be fed.

----

At Ichigo's house, the rest of the clones and Isshin were talking about their plan over dinner. Yuzu and Karin sat with them. Ichigo and Rukia were nowhere to be seen.

'Who has the next shift?' Isshin asked, chewing his food with gusto.

'I do. I hope that fool doesn't set Uryuu free or anything,' Second said, helping himself to another plateful of food.

'I don't think it was very wise to let him have the first watch...I mean what sort of chemist's does he go to?' First replied after swallowing.

There was a knock at the door.

'I'll get it,' Isshin said and left the table.

He opened the door to Third.

'Oh my god! What are you doing here?' Isshin said.

'I don't know, but buses are fun...they have wheels that go round and round and round...' Third spoke in a dreamy voice.

Second and First piled into the hallway.

'Wait, if you're here, who's guarding Ishida?' First asked worried.

There was silence.

All three men rushed out of the house simultaneously, leaving a confused Third alone in the hall. Yuzu poked her head through the doorway. She shook her head and ushered Third into the dining room.

----

Ishida was pretty sure he was alone. This was his chance to get away.

Unlike popular belief he had not lost his powers for good and had regained them through vigorous training with a certain individual who he wasn't exactly on good terms with.

He drew spirit particles around him.

The rope broke down as he created a sharp blade with the spirit energy. He was just about to sit up when the lights flickered to life and someone came up to him.

'Inoue?' Ishida said, surprised.

Inoue gave him a quick smile and put a finger to her lips.

'Shhh, he might be near...' she said cryptically.

'Who?' Ishida asked, looking around.

'The pink haired man, anyway, let's get out of here,' Inoue said.

Ishida nodded and followed Inoue out of the building. They were just about leave when three men with balaclavas jumped in their way.

'Haha, you're not going anywhere!' one of them said.

'Yes, if you try we will hit you with these sticks,' the one in the middle said, who was brandishing a tree branch which looked suspiciously to Uryuu as if they had come from the dying Christmas tree.

'Mwahaha! You will never get away now,' the first one said, and stepped towards them.

Inoue stood her ground.

Ishida was thinking they should just haul ass.

---

**Someone said something along the lines of I hope Nemu and Mayuri don't end up together because you have lots of hints that they might. Well I have to admit I am not sure about that either. I just think ****it's**** fun to write things like that. To be honest Mayuri must be one of the most incompatible characters...**** and Nemu was made from him...so I don't really know...actually I was thinking that I would write the origins of Nemu what sort of background she has. Maybe...maybe...this story is far from over...**

**Also I might not be able to update in quite some time because the deadline for this geography coursework is this week so I really need to finish it... but hopefully you won't have to wait too long.**

**And so let me come to an end with the fact that good things come to those who wait...**

**There was a man called ****Maury  
****Who**** did not review my story  
****Needless to say his death was quite gory...**

**Another rubbish poem for you, there was a lesson to learn from that one...a moral if you will...**


	37. The Kinky Quincy Way

**Sorry this ****took**** long to appear.**** Dedication goes to everyone who is reading this and waited patiently like all the good little boys and girls of the world.**

**Hey enjoy the story...that's all that counts.

* * *

**

Chapter 36

The three men advanced towards Ishida and Inoue.

Ishida thought one of them seemed very familiar.

'Hey aren't you Ichigo's father?' he asked.

Isshin stopped moving, 'Errrr no, where did you get that idea?'

'Well, for one thing I know what you sound like and another: Ichigo's dad is the only one person I know who would wear Hawaiian shirts in the middle of winter,' Ishida explained.

Second nudged First, 'He's got a point,' he muttered through the balaclava. First silently agreed.

'It doesn't matter who I am, we're still going to hit you with these big sticks,' Isshin said, sounding flustered, he waved one of the branches crazily.

Ishida took hold of Inoue's arm and dragged her away.

Isshin watched bemused as the couple ran back into the warehouse, searching for a back door. He tapped First and Second on the shoulder.

'Shouldn't we chase after them?' Isshin asked.

'Naw, I set up some nifty traps leading out from the back door, let them have some fun first,' Second said.

First pulled his balaclava off and raised an eyebrow.

'What sort of traps?'

----

Ishida and Inoue sprinted through a back door and slammed it shut. They stood there panting for a while.

'Who were those guys?' Inoue asked, trying to get her breath back.

'I think I have an idea, but the thing I can't figure out is why they kidnapped me.'

----

_A few hours earlier_

There was a knock on the door.

Ishida opened it

Four men were standing outside his home. One was evidently Isshin Kurosaki; his maniacal grin and give-away hair were all that Ishida needed to figure out who the person was. The other three were a mystery to him. Two had blue hair and one had pink, they had the same face and stature so Ishida concluded they were either triplets or clones. This was about all he could tell.

'Can we come in?' Isshin asked, it was raining outside and the four men were clearly soaked to the bone.

Ishida didn't really have the heart to say no, he also didn't have much of a choice. A few seconds after Isshin had asked the question, the group pushed past Ishida and piled into his small apartment.

Ishida was flattened against the wall. 'Just make yourselves at home,' he said to himself, as the three identical men arranged themselves around the room. The one with dark blue hair stood in the corner, his look alike slouched on the sofa. The pink haired one sat daintily on the arm of the said sofa.

'Don't mind if we do,' Second said, cracking open a can of soda.

Ishida stared, 'Where did you get that soda!?' he asked.

Second gave him a blank look, 'From your fridge,' he answered as if he were talking to a plank, a plank who wore glasses.

Ishida sputtered something but Second wasn't listening.

Isshin cleared his throat, 'We are here on a very important mission...'

Ishida put up a hand, 'I don't want anything to do with it,' he said flatly.

Third pouted, 'You haven't even heard what it is yet.'

'I don't even know who you are,' Ishida shot back.

'Good point,' Third replied. 'I am Mayuri Kurotsuchi and these are my clones who are also called Mayuri Kurotsuchi,' he added grandly.

Ishida's jaw hit the floor in surprise, 'Ummm...get out of my house,' he said.

'If that wasn't rude...,' Second said to no one in particular. 'You try to help a fellow guy and he kicks you out of his house, yeesh, what is the world coming to?'

First spoke for the first time, 'We are not Mayuri per se, we are just his clones and more to the point do you love Inoue Orihime?'

Ishida found his jaw once again scraping the floor. 'You can't just chuck random questions like that into your sentences!' he shouted angrily, 'You haven't even explained why you are here, actually, I don't want to know, just leave, if you are his clones then you must know that I don't like the real Mayuri and any of his...' Ishida looked at them, 'By-products!'

'We are not by-products!' Third said, highly offended. He got up to leave but Second grabbed his collar.

'Look, we are here to help you, just hear Isshin out,' First said. Isshin stood and tried again.

'Look we have had some free time so we thought we'd help you out with your little problem,' Isshin explained.

'What problem?' Ishida asked, confused.

'The whole 'I love Inoue but she don't love me back' thing,' Isshin said patiently.

'Why on earth would you want to help me with that, I don't love Inoue,' Ishida replied.

'Really?' Second asked.

Ishida faltered, 'Uh..errrrr...'

'Dude admit, you're smitten,' Third said.

Second frowned, 'What sort of pansy-assed word is that?'

'It's not pansy, it's sophisticated language,' Third said.

'Oh shut up, you two! Just answer the question Ishida, do you love Inoue? Because if you don't then we are just wasting our time,' First said impatiently.

There was silence in the small room. A clock ticked loudly in the corner of the room. The sound of rain pounding against the windows filled the room.

After a while Ishida mumbled something.

'I'm sorry I think you're going to have to speak louder,' Third said.

Ishida repeated what he had just said, just louder than a whisper.

Second looked at him, 'Hey buddy, you're making us look deaf, what are you trying to say?'

Ishida glared at him.

'Yes.'

'Sorry. Yes to what? You took so long in actually saying it, I've forgotten what you were initially saying,' Second said.

Something snapped inside of Ishida. 'YES! I LOVE HER!'

Wind howled outside. First smiled.

'Excellent.'

---

'Ishida-kun?' Inoue said. Her friend had zoned out on her.

Ishida looked at her. 'Sorry,' he apologised, 'I was just trying to think of a way to get out of here,' he explained.

All around them were walls of disused shipping containers. It was dark and the only light was from the moon. Eerie shadows were cast on them.

Inoue shivered, 'I think there's an opening over there,' she said pointing.

Ishida sighed, 'Why don't we check it out?'

----

_A few hours earlier_

Ishida was overwhelmed. 'You want to kidnap me and make Inoue rescue me? Isn't that backwards?'

'I know but apparently women can save men too,' Second said.

'No not that! I mean aren't there other ways to make this work?' Ishida asked.

'Look mate it's not that hard. Once you're free you leave from the back door then lead her to a dark corner and have your Quincy way with her,' Second explained.

'That's a good way of putting it,' Third agreed.

'My Quincy _way_?' Ishida said, flabbergasted, 'What do you take me for? I am a gentleman at the very least. I will not just go and have my _Quincy_ way with her and why should my way be any different to anyone else's?'

Second gave him a blank look, 'You're a Quincy...it's a given that you _do_ it differently...'he said as if this was obvious.

The others nodded in agreement.

Ishida paled, 'What sort of people are you?'

There was a silence as no one really knew how to answer.

'We're clones,' First said finally.

'That doesn't give you the right to kidnap me and stuff...hold on...why are you doing this?' Ishida asked. In his book any Mayuri being wouldn't do this. Normally.

'For Brownie points?' Third said hopefully. The group simultaneously imagined Third in a Brownie uniform. Second choked on his drink and spat it back into the can.

First sighed and gave Ishida the rundown of everything that had happened. This included Mayuri's hearing, the twelve tasks and the Ichigo and Rukia saga.

Ishida sat quietly digesting this information. It was hard to believe that his arch-nemesis Mayuri was being punished. It also didn't strike Ishida as surprising that Mayuri had made clones to do his bidding. He frowned.

'Who will Mayuri get laid with?' Ishida asked.

'A duck,' Second muttered, who was still sore about not being allowed to do it himself.

'A duck would probably die if they saw Mayuri coming towards them...poor ducks...' Third replied.

'I think he'd actually forget about doing the duck and test it for STDs...'First added.

'Can we stop this now?' Ishida asked, trying to remove all thoughts of Mayuri and ducks from his mind. He was regretting asking that question.

Second looked at Ishida.

'Sure.'

---

Inoue and Ishida progressed down a small corridor of dark shipping containers.

'_...then you can have your Quincy way with her...'_

The words wouldn't leave Ishida's mind. Not that he had any intention of doing this. Mostly.

Inoue was walking ahead; sometimes he thought he saw her shiver. He felt bad for dragging her into this, in his opinion this was all a waste of time. To his dismay he saw the clouds cover the moon, rumbling as they did so. He sighed as fat droplets fell slowly, at first and then heavily. They were soon drenched.

Two lone figures in the pouring rain.

'Maybe we should find some shelter,' Ishida suggested, handing Inoue his jacket.

'Are you sure, Ishida-kun?' she asked, droplets ran off her bare arms. Ishida pulled his gaze away.

'Err...yes...it's fine...as a famous person once said handsome men cannot be harmed by water,' Ishida said quickly.

She took it hesitantly and laughed. He took her hand and led her away.

Two figures together in the pouring rain.

----

'What sort of traps?' First asked.

'Oh well, I set up the path to lead to this pit with spikes at the bottom of it and then I let loose some angry dogs...hmm what else...oh yeah don't forget the bridge with fire under it...'

'You set all that up?!' First said, amazed.

'Yup, and to finish it off the path leads to a grass verge thing and I put some oil there so hopefully they'll roll down the hill together like they do in the movies...' Second finished, 'Oh yeah and then he can have his kinky Quincy way with her.'

First groaned, 'You just spoilt it.'

'I think this sounds rather romantic, especially when it's raining...adds like a special mood and stuff,' Third added. 'Oh yeah, how will you make the fire work in the rain?'

Rain beat down on the roof of the roof of the warehouse.

'It's Greek fire,' Second explained.

'You idiot! Greek fire spreads faster when there is water around!' First shouted and ran out of the building.

----

Ishida and Inoue ran through the rain, but there was no shelter anywhere.

Ishida wasn't sure what happened next. One minute he was running, next he was falling, his face fell and he saw sinister looking spikes staring back at him.

His body jerked and he was dangling upside down. Inoue was holding him by the foot; the rest of his body was swaying dangerously near the spikes.

'Why did he put bloody spikes here, the bastard!' Ishida thought while trying to right himself.

Finally he managed to haul himself up, but had a sinking feeling most of the work was done by Inoue who was panting beside him.

'Why would they put spikes?' she said, confused.

'Maybe they are sick twisted freaks,' Ishida said, feeling angry. They could mess his life up but when they put Inoue in danger...

'Let's carry on,' Inoue said and stood up.

After a few minutes they found a thin beam that ran across the pit, after negotiating this easily Ishida turned to make sure his friend was following. Inoue was precariously perched on the beam, making slow progress. Ishida couldn't help but notice why she was having trouble balancing.

_They _wobbled. Ishida looked away, hot in the face.

'Made it,' Inoue said, happily as she stepped on solid land. Behind her there was an ominous cracking sound. The beam fell away, smashing unpleasantly on the spikes.

Ishida pushed up his glasses, they glinted in the darkness. It would have looked a little creepy but Inoue was used to it and things like that didn't really bother her. That or she just didn't notice.

'Let's move on,' Ishida replied quickly and left Inoue standing there in the rain.

When Ishida heard the sound he was thoroughly disheartened. Loud barking filled the night air.

Inoue caught up with him. 'What's that?' she asked.

'Angry dogs,' Ishida said quietly.

'What should we do?' Inoue whispered. The scuffling sounds came closer. Inoue found herself clutching Ishida's arm tightly. Ishida brain fried a circuit.

Inoue repeated the question. This time the panic audible.

Three dogs came into view. Two large Rottweilers and a German Shepherd. All three looked angry. Blood lust in their eyes.

Ishida took a step back. 'Holy cow! What are these guys up to?!' he thought to himself.

He raised his spirit bow. Inoue gasped. 'Ishida-kun when did you-'

'Inoue, run,' Ishida said.

And she did.

The first dog whimpered in fright as a blue arrow struck the ground in front of it, it loped away, tail between its legs. The second however grew angrier and sped up.

It pounced.

Inoue screamed.

Ishida collapsed under the weight of the dog, his bow disappeared. He was out of practise.

Inoue turned and called out Tsubaki. With little effort it disposed of the dog.

Ishida lay there breathing hard. He wasn't particularly hurt, there were a few rips in his shirt and a few scratches on his arms but mainly it was just dog drool.

Inoue helped him up. She was about to heal him but he waved her away saying 'I'm fine, we should just try and get out of here.'

She helped him stand. They hurried on. Splashing their way through deep puddles.

----

A few minutes later Ishida noticed that the air was getting warmer.

----

First gasped for breath. He had just vaulted over the spike pit. Hopefully the fire hadn't spread too far.

This was getting out of hand.

What idiot would put Greek fire on when it was raining?

He hoped he wouldn't be too late.

----

Inoue stopped running. Ishida looked up.

Ishida was amazed that they had put so much effort into this.

The pathway was engulfed in roaring flames. Ishida could faintly see an outline of a bridge in the distance but it was no match for the fire. It collapsed.

'Oh bugger me,' Ishida said.

Inoue looked at him, the fire was slowly getting closer. The rain had no effect whatsoever.

'What do we do?' she asked. 'We could turn back,' she suggested.

'We wouldn't get far, that beam broke, remember?' Ishida said, shielding his eyes from the light.

They looked at the fire. 'Shouldn't it be going out?' Inoue asked.

'It seems to be some sort of Greek fire, water only makes it worse!' Ishida shouted over the roar of the flames.

Inoue was once again standing close to Ishida. He wouldn't have minded so much if they weren't about to be burnt to a cinder.

'I think we should run through it,' Ishida said.

'Uh, do you think that's a good idea?' Inoue asked, her face was being warmed and cooled at the same time by the fire and the rain.

'We have nowhere else to go,' Ishida said, 'I think the fire is just like a big wall that's moving forward. We should be fine as long as we don't go slowly,' Ishida explained.

'I saw a bridge there earlier; do you think we'll have to jump?' Inoue replied.

'Yes, let's take a run up.'

They went to the far end of the path and with looks of grim determination they ran.

Ishida held Inoue's hand in his tightly.

Covering his face with his free arm they dived through. Inoue at the last minute threw a shield around them. She was distracted for a moment and the heat penetrated.

They rolled onto hard concrete and lay on the rain soaked ground.

They were still holding hands.

---

First faltered at the sight of the huge fire wall coming towards him.

He turned back. No way he was going down BBQ boulevard.

His excuse was that he needed the loo.

---

Inoue wearily trudged onwards.

Their clothes were singed and bodies aching.

'This is a bit over the top,' Ishida thought.

Inoue walked in silence. They looked slightly drunk, leaning against each other, half limping half walking.

At long last they reached the end of the path.

It opened out to a grassy hill that had a river running at the bottom of it. There was a bridge for cars leading across it.

'We finally made it,' Ishida said, sighing in relief.

'Yeah...' Inoue said, too tired for words. They took a step forward.

Ishida wished they hadn't.

For some reason there was oil on the ground.

They slipped.

They rolled down the hill as if they had rehearsed it in a film. They clung to each other, trying to keep their arms intact.

Finally they came to a stop.

Third was watching with binoculars. He thought things were going very well.

Ishida stared down at Inoue's face.

For some reason he was inappropriately sprawled over Inoue.

Inoue laughed, 'That was fun, we should do it again.'

Ishida sighed and rested his forehead on the grass beside Inoue's.

'What's wrong? Are you hurt?' Inoue asked.

'No, just stay there for a moment,' Ishida said quietly. It was oddly comforting to just lie here. He was so tired.

---

Third waited for about ten minutes before getting totally bored. They were just lying there.

'Quincy boy better hurry up,' said to himself.

----

As if hearing this Ishida lifted his head from the grass.

Inoue's eyes were closed.

Ishida's breathing became a little faster. Inoue's slowed.

----

Third watched with eagle eyes.

This was getting juicy.

He opened a packet of popcorn.

---

Ishida lent forward slightly.

He swallowed hard.

His lips touched hers gently.

Inoue's eyes briefly opened.

She touched his face. Kissed him back.

Her head said one thing her heart said another.

She took his glasses off.

* * *

**Oh wow! ****Mushyness****...I am wearing ****wellies**** now...it's that mushy.**

**Greek fire is real stuff and the famous dude was Tamaki from Ouran...I do love him...though not as much as my Mayuri. I could eat his face...**

**Well as u know I had lots of work and stuff...something really bad happened though on Thursday...My comp went crazy and deleted my geog coursework that was in for the next day. I had to write it up all again...that was 18 pages lost and I had to write a further 30...I stayed up until 4.00am...I was so tired in school the next day...but it's over now...so all is good.**

**The bit about Mayuri and the duck came from a msn conversation with rose...I needed help with who he was going to get laid with and rose was like...a duck...it was ****memoerbale**

**Now for a poem to end the day...**

**Violets are blue  
****Roses are red,  
****I need a review,  
****Or I'll kick you...**

**Where the sun don't shine...**

**Well, it's up to you now...**


	38. On The Way To The Zoo

**Good Morning!**

**MAYURI IS EDIBLE...****mmmmm**** Mayuri-lunch...yummy...**** Byakuya is also edible but he's for dinner...

* * *

**

Chapter 37

_Soul Society_

'Nanao-chan, I think you need a holiday.'

'_I_ think you're drunk again.'

It was a normal day in the Seireitei and Shunsui and Nanao were having one of their usual conversations. Most people would have called it a monologue. A one sided speech by Shunsui.

Shunsui was slouched on the couch, Nanao sat ramrod straight at her desk. There was silence for a while. The sound of Nanao's brush filled the quiet room.

Shunsui groaned. 'Awww, Nanao-chan, don't be like that...'

Nanao filled out her forms. She made no signal that she had even heard what her captain had said.

However this wasn't the case and to her dismay and shock she found herself thinking of a vacation as well.

Shunsui seemed to sense this. 'Come on, it'll be fun...everyone else is going...'

Nanao tried to remember how many times she had been told that. 'It seems to me that you have already planned this little outing.'

Shunsui looked up, 'My dear Nanao, it isn't just an outing it's a full blown holiday to the Real World!'

Nanao nearly dropped her brush. Surprise was written across her face. 'To the Real World? Why on earth would you want to go there?' she asked.

Shunsui tapped the side of his nose, 'We were all invited,' he explained simply.

'By who?' Nanao asked, getting a little suspicious.

'Just an old friend,' Shunsui said, he had moved from the couch and was sitting opposite the desk.

Nanao dared to risk a quick look at him.

Oh dear. He had that look in his eyes.

There was a desk in between them, a rather big one at that. Nanao felt it wasn't enough.

Her captain leaned forward.

A strand of hair fell across Nanao's face as she worked feverishly to keep her mind of a certain advancing captain. As usual this didn't really work. She moved a hand to tuck the hair away. Shunsui had already done it for her, their fingers brushed against each other. Nanao looked up; she sat rigidly in her chair. Their faces were about a centimetre apart. Nanao felt her mouth run dry, in some respects she was lucky to have a captain this good looking and affable. Both these things were also burdens.

'Nanao-chan?' Shunsui said in an almost whisper.

'Y-yes,' Nanao said in what she thought was a horribly husky sounding voice..

'Won't you come with me to the Real World?' he asked, his voice low.

Nanao found herself saying yes.

'Umm...okay,' she breathed, a building could've blown up and Nanao Ise wouldn't have noticed.

Shunsui was about to close what little gap there was when Nanao finally gathered her wits.

Her eyes were deadpan as she whacked her captain with her trusty book.

Shunsui whimpered and retreated to safe ground. He stretched out on the couch and fell asleep, a small smile on his face.

A few minutes passed and when Nanao noticed that her captain was definitely asleep, she let out a small sigh.

That was close.

Scenes like these were becoming more frequent and Nanao wondered how long it would be before she wouldn't be able to fend her captain off.

She suspected it wouldn't be too long.

Long after she had stopped for this small break she remembered that she had agreed to go on this 'vacation'.

She wished she hadn't. She had the feeling she didn't know what she had gotten herself into. She felt like she had sold her soul to the devil. A handsome devil though.

She said a silent prayer.

----

A couple days passed.

Shunsui was stretched out under a large tree. It was a warm day with a refreshing breeze. Ukitake was with him, his back leaning against the trunk of the tree.

Jushiro, to be honest, wasn't even sure why he was there; these meetings rarely consisted of anything important. They just sat there sitting in amicable silence, sipping sake, sometimes reliving old memories. It made him feel old.

'Did you know...,' Shunsui asked.

Ukitake sighed, he knew what was coming.

'...I managed to convince Nanao to come with me on the vacation,' Shunsui said, a trace of happiness in his voice.

'I know, you've said it about fifty times already,' Jushiro said, smiling. 'I am surprised though, you must tell me how you did that.'

'My dear man, obviously I did it using my manly charms,' Shunsui boasted.

'Tell me, did she whack you with her book after,' Ukitake asked.

'Yes,' his friend said meekly.

They laughed about this. Ukitake felt it suddenly and Shunsui probably could tell. The laughter died out. Ukitake tried heroically not wheeze. He failed.

He hadn't felt it in some time; it was like a cold, dead weight pressed close to his chest.

'You're not coming are you,' Shunsui said after a while.

'It's gotten worse,' Ukitake said as an explanation.

'I see...did you go-'

'Yes, she said there was nothing to do,' Ukitake said, not willing to go through the whole ordeal with Unohana again.

They sipped some more sake.

'Do you know what? I think she believes that you're not good at committing to this whole thing,' Ukitake said after a while.

'Eh?'

'I mean you have 'dallied' with lots of women, I think that your precious lieutenant thinks that you will get tired of her soon,' Ukitake explained.

Shunsui thought about this.

'You're wrong, she _hopes_ that I will forget her,' he said, 'Nanao's a smart woman, she knows there is something there. I think she's too tied up in her rules and regulations.'

Ukitake mulled over this and shrugged, 'Whatever you say, there was something I wanted to ask you though. Who invited you all?'

Shunsui tilted his straw hat so he could watch the passing clouds, 'Isshin Kurosaki.'

Ukitake did a double take, 'Really? Have you all got somewhere to stay?'

'Yeah, apparently Isshin has a friend who owns a hotel, he's already booked the rooms,' Shunsui explained.

'I hope that works out for you,' Ukitake said, laughing.

Shunsui was still for a moment. 'Hold on! I know the real reason you're not going. You just want to hang around with your Unohana while we're all gone, I should have known!'

Ukitake seemed flustered, 'What do you mean? She isn't mine by the way, we are mutual friends, that's all.' Shunsui thought he saw a pale blush on his friend's face.

'Yeah and my name isn't Shunsui Kyoraku.'

'If Zaraki heard you say that he'd be on me on a second,' Ukitake joked.

'Probably,' Shunsui agreed, 'I have to admit though he has more of a high school crush on her.'

'And you're the expert,' Ukitake mumbled.

'Why yes I am,' Shunsui said, proudly.

Ukitake muttered something inaudible and leant his head against the tree trunk. He shut his eyes and without realising it he fell asleep.

When he woke up Shunsui was still there, the sake bottle finished.

He stood up, and as he did so he could have sworn he heard himself creak.

He walked away leaving his companion lying on the grass.

Shunsui watched from under the brim of his hat, deep in thought: he could have sworn Ukitake was taking the well known path to the fourth squad barracks.

---

It was late evening when everyone had assembled at the spirit gate. The thing Nanao noticed was that they were all wearing western clothes and looked good in them.

She felt awkward wearing a summer dress that Shunsui had given her. She missed her shinigami robes.

Matsumoto waved her over.

'Wow! Look at all the people here!' she said.

Nanao looked around. Kenpachi was there, Yachiru dangling from one shoulder. Ikkaku and Yumichika were brooding in one corner. Komamura stood impassively with the basket firmly in his head. Byakuya and Hisana were standing next to Shunsui and Toushiro. Hisagi was talking with Iba, Kira and Renji while Nemu and Momo stood silently next to Matsumoto.

'Quite the turnout,' Nanao agreed, she dropped a travelling bag.

'How long is this trip?' she asked eyeing the luggage that Matsumoto had deemed necessary to bring with her.

'A week,' Matsumoto answered.

'And you need four suitcases for that?' Nanao said amazed.

'No silly, two are empty so I can fill it with shopping, duh,' Matsumoto explained.

'Oh.'

----

_Real World_

Night stole over Karakura town, lights shimmered in windows and the streets were quiet.

It was peaceful.

Not long after midnight the residents of Karakura's only zoo were interrupted from their usual sleep when a cracking sound echoed around the area. There was a great shaft of light which broadened out to a large rectangular shape.

The lions could have sworn they saw people walking out of it. The penguins would have told you that they were carrying what seemed to be luggage. The howler monkeys were disappointed to admit that these new arrivals were much louder than themselves.

When the gate faded away Shunsui proceeded to take something which looked like a roll call. Nanao was faintly impressed by his organisation, she was feeling a little tired and was looking forward to getting some rest at what Shunsui had assured her was at least a four star hotel.

'Where are we?' Renji asked, watching one of the chimps carefully.

'It looks like we're in a zoo,' Hisagi said.

'Zoo?' everyone chorused at the same time, except Byakuya, who didn't chorus anything. Ever.

'Yes it comes from the Ancient Greek word Zoan meaning animal. It's basically a big park where people can see different animals, it's popular in the Real World,' Hisagi explained.

'What's Ancient Greek?' Iba asked.

Hisagi ignored him.

'How primitive,' Shunsui said, watching some penguins waddle in their enclosure.

'Let's spend some more time here,' Renji suggested, still staring at the chimp who was staring right back at him.

The group dissipated, going off in groups to see the various animals.

'Toushiro, look! There's a big kitty over there,' Momo called, running towards a wired fence. Hitsugaya wandered over. A large tiger stared balefully back at him.

'Isn't he pretty?' Momo asked, laughing.

Toushiro thought it looked a little bored but was glad that Momo was happy again. He wondered how long it would last. Momo poked a hand through the fence, the tiger went up to it tamely and licked it.

'Err...Momo I don't think that's a good idea,' Toushiro said, the tiger looked as if it was tasting her. Yachiru came over.

'Why are looking so angry? Is it because you want to be the only one to lick Momo,' she said innocently.

Toushiro turned red; if it were possible his hair would have done so too.

'No! Don't be so vulgar! I would never ever think that!' he shouted back. Yachiru didn't look too persuaded.

'Ohhh Shiro-chan, what does that say?' she asked, pointing to a sign nailed into a post.

'Umm, it says 'Don't place your hands inside the enclosure',' Toushiro answered, not really paying attention.

'Oh,' Yachiru said and obviously bored skipped over to Zaraki who was squaring up to a large grizzly bear.

The words clicked in Hitsugaya's mind.

'Momo! Get your hands out of there!' he shouted. Too late.

The tiger had clamped its large muzzle over Momo's hand. She screamed.

----

Iba and Hisagi were walking near the water enclosures. Iba being Iba hadn't forgotten his sake and the two men were laughing and singing the way drunk people do.

'_You and me baby ain't __nothing__ but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel...'_ Iba thought this song was very funny.

There was a loud grunting sound.

The two men went quiet.

They heard water splashing and another grunting sound.

'What was that?' Iba whispered.

'I don't know, let's check it out,' Hisagi suggested. The two men wandered over to a large enclosure, it was dark and they couldn't make anything out. They heard movement in the water. As they were both drunk this seemed like a rather fun adventure.

'Let's go in,' Iba said. He cut a hole in the fence with his zanpaktou. He stood still for a moment.

'You go in first,' he said.

Hisagi balked at the thought, 'Hell no! Why do I have to go first, you're the one who wants to go in.'

'Hey, I'm not going in there first, who knows what sort of creature is in here,' Iba argued.

'Okay okay, I didn't know you were such a coward,' Hisagi mumbled. He crawled through the hole and hid in a bush. Iba followed him.

'See it wasn't that bad,' he said. Iba wasn't so sure, he looked at the still water.

'Do you think it's under there?' Hisagi asked. Iba nodded and took a swig of sake, he offered the bottle to Hisagi who finished it. They crept up to the water. They looked down only to see their own reflections. They didn't realise this though.

'Who's ugly face is that?' Iba asked drunkenly.

'Your mum's,' Hisagi replied, laughing his head off.

Iba frowned, 'My mum doesn't look like that though...'

Hisagi noticed his reflection, 'There's a funny man in the water.'

'It's your face,' Iba said.

'But it's an ugly face...I don't have an ugly face,' Hisagi thought aloud.

Iba laughed at him.

The grunting sound returned. Both men looked down. They could just about make something out. A dark shadow that got larger and larger. It was coming towards them.

They moved their heads out the way just as a set of huge jaws crashed through the water.

'What the-!' Hisagi shouted as water cascaded down onto him. The creature lurched out of the water and stared at the two drunks. It was large, built almost like a huge bull. It opened its mouth, revealing large canines.

'What the hell is that?' Iba shouted.

'It's a hippopotamus,' Hisgai said in wonder.

The two men retreated, the hippo followed.

'How do we get rid of it?' Iba asked, 'It keeps following us.'

'Did you know that hippopotamus comes from the ancient Greek words 'Hippon' which means horse and 'potamos' which means river?' Hisagi said, the drink finally taking its toll on him.

'That's not really helpful,' Iba said. The hippo opened its mouth again. 'Why does it keep doing that?' he asked Hisagi, who was watching in awe.

'It means it feels threatened and will probably attack us,' Hisgai said, calmly.

'Could you sound a little more worried?' Iba said, feeling the fence against his back.

The hippo charged.

Iba and Hisagi hugged each other and screamed.

----

Nemu was walking through reptile enclosure with Matsumoto when she heard the scream.

'That sounded like Iba and Hisagi,' Nemu said.

'It did?' Matsumoto asked. 'I thought it sounded more like Momo...'

They carried on walking.

After a while they came to a large enclosure surrounded with wired fencing.

'Let's go and have a look in there,' Matsumoto suggested.

'Ok,' Nemu agreed. They broke the lock to the zoo keeper's door and walked onto grassy patches which lead onto a concrete slab. On the other side of the enclosure there was a deep pool.

'I wonder what animal is meant to be in here,' Matsumoto said.

The water rippled.

'I'm not sure,' Nemu replied, looking for an information plaque, not realising she was on the wrong side of the fence.

The surface of the water was now bubbling.

'Hey! Look at the water,' Matsumoto said, pointing to the pool.

The bubbling died down, the water went still.

'There's nothing there,' Nemu said. Matsumoto frowned the bubbling was indeed gone only to be replaced with what seemed to be a floating log. She sighed.

'Maybe, it was nothing,' she thought.

The women were about to leave when they saw a bird land on the concrete slab. It poked its beak into the water, and drank. The log moved.

Matsumoto and Nemu watched in shock as a crocodile shot out of the water and swallowed the bird whole.

It turned to them.

'Oh bugger me,' Matsumoto said rightly.

The crocodile had decided that they looked tasty and went after them. Matsumoto didn't quite fancy being croc food and dived into a nearby bush. Nemu just stood there. The crocodile reached Nemu and stopped. Nemu looked at the crocodile, it looked back. If it could the crocodile would have been frowning, normally people ran away from him but this girl was just standing there staring at him. The crocodile was unnerved to say the least. It backed down from the strange girl and searched for the other woman.

Matsumoto thought that Nemu was strange but before she could voice her opinions the crocodile sniffed at her bush. She squealed and ran away. The creature followed. Matsumoto ran in circles and the crocodile did too. Nemu watched with detached amusement. If only Mayuri was here.

At last Matsumoto gathered her wits and turned around. The crocodile lunged. It attached itself to Matsumoto's ample assets. She tried to shake it off, but the crocodile refused to let go. Nemu wanted to help but she didn't know how. Eventually Matsumoto managed to dislodge the crocodile. Some of its teeth fell out. Matsumoto didn't have a scratch on her.

'Shouldn't you be bleeding?' Nemu asked.

'I have boobies of steel,' Matsumoto said, proudly, 'They're also bullet and knife proof!'

Nemu didn't ask anymore.

----

Shunsui was having lots of fun. Nanao wasn't really sure what to make of this 'zoo'.

Shunsui had found a pony pen.

'Look Nanao! It's a unicorn,' Shunsui shouted.

Nanao's eyes narrowed. Shunsui looked so happy that she didn't really have the heart to tell him it was a regular pony; she also didn't have the heart to tell him that unicorns weren't real. She sighed and tried to lead him away.

'Waaaah, Nanao-chan, don't be mean,' Shunsui cried, 'I wanna ride the unicorn!'

'Oh shut up,' she said and dragged him away to see the llamas.

'What are these things?' Shunsui asked.

'They are llamas,' Nanao answered.

'It's not the same as a unicorn...unicorns are better...' Shunsui mumbled kicking the floor.

As if it had heard the llama promptly spat on Shunsui.

'Oh my god! It spat on me,' Shunsui complained.

'Well then you shouldn't have said that llamas weren't as good,' Nanao, said in a disapproving tone. The llama snorted in approval.

'Now I'm covered in llama juice,' Shunsui muttered. Nanao pulled him over.

'Stop acting like a small child,' she said, and wiped llama spit from his face using a clean handkerchief.

'You're being nice,' Shunsui said. Nanao looked away.

'I know,' she replied.

----

Zaraki had made a friend.

Yachiru was jealous.

Zaraki didn't care because he had more in common with his new friend than he did with Yachiru.

It was a porcupine.

Yachiru wanted to kill it.

The porcupines had been in a small glass box, which Zaraki had smashed. He thought they were the inspiration for his hair.

He sat it on his shoulder. This made Yachiru even angrier. The shoulder was where she was meant to be.

This was all wrong.

----

Byakuya was bored. He didn't see the point of the zoo.

Hisana, on the contrary, seemed to be enjoying herself.

They stopped by the lions. They eyed Byakuya nervously.

'I think you look like a lion, in more ways than one,' Hisana said. Byakuya looked at her, a faint smile at his lips.

'No really, I think you do,' she said.

They heard shouts behind them and turned to see Hisagi and Iba being chased by a large hippopotamus.

'That looks like fun,' Hisana said.

Byakuya gave them a look of disdain. 'I'm not so sure,' he said.

----

Ikkaku wasn't sure what was going on. One minute he sitting under a tree with Yumichika then the next minute he was being dragged through the undergrowth by the head.

Yumichika ran after his friend, he wasn't really sure what was going on either.

They came to a small clearing. Ikkaku stopped moving. The thing let go of his head.

'Ikkaku are you ok?' Yumichika asked.

'God no! Something dragged me by my head; do you think I'm ok?' Ikkaku shouted, he tried to get up but the creature stopped him. It attempted to swallow Ikakku's head.

'Sweet Jesus! Get this thing off me!' he yelled. Yumichika drew his sword.

Something caught his eye. In the corner of the opening there was a broken cage with a small tag attached to it. He read it and his eyes widened. By this point nearly half of Ikkaku's head was in the creature's mouth.

'Yumichika! Where the hell are you?' Ikkaku shouted.

'I'm just here, apparently the thing that is trying to eat you is an egg eating snake, it must have mistaken your head for an egg, how interesting,' Yumichika said as if talking to himself.

'I don't care, just get it off me.'

'Can't you do it yourself, I'm reading about their mating patterns so I am a little busy,' Yumichika replied.

Ikkaku wasn't quite sure if he'd heard right.

'Who gives a rat's ass about that, just help me!' he shouted at him. Ikkaku drew his zanpaktou but didn't know where to hit; his eyes and nose had been swallowed.

Yumichika looked over to his friend and sighed; he cut him free with his sword and pulled the remaining snake from Ikakku's head.

'Maybe you should try and grow some hair, oh sorry my bad, you're bald for life,' Yumichika teased. Ikkaku glared daggers at his friend.

'Let's just get out of here,' Ikkaku mumbled.

----

Renji was still having a staring match with the chimp. His eyes were watering, but he wouldn't give in.

Not to a monkey.

He twitched an eyebrow.

The chimp scurried away in fright.

----

Hisagi and Iba had been running for some time now. For reasons unknown to them the hippo had followed them out of its enclosure via the hole Iba made and was now chasing them. It didn't make sense. Hisagi frowned but didn't slow down lest the huge hulking mass of hippo would catch him.

'I think he wants something,' Hisagi shouted to Iba.

'What would he want from us?'

'I'm not sure,' Hisagi replied.

They kept running.

There was a fork in the path. Hisagi went left. Iba went right.

The hippo went right.

Hisagi stopped running; maybe the hippo wanted something that Iba had. This gave him an idea. He went back to the fork in the road and followed Iba's and the hippo's route.

Iba was scared, he had met a dead end. A block of buildings blocked the path. The doors were locked. He backed up against the wall. The hippo came up to him and snorted in his face.

Iba stood stock still. His breathing became shallow. The hippo nudged Iba's face. Iba was getting the wrong idea about this.

Hisagi reached them and shouted, 'I think he wants to be your friend!'

The hippo shook it's head. Both men found their jaws hitting the floor.

'Did the hippo just shake its head?' Iba asked, realising how stupid this sounded.

'I think so,' Hisagi, this wasn't right; 'I think it wants something else.'

The hippo nodded.

'Ummm...sake?' Iba asked it.

Another shake of its head.

Hisagi had the feeling it would be a long night.

----

Toushiro whacked the tiger with the hilt of his sword. It whimpered and retreated to its shelter.

He looked at Momo's hand. It didn't look too bad, there were a few small scratches. Momo tried to hide the tears and Toushiro couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

'Don't worry,' he said to her, 'It's not that bad.'

Momo nodded and attempted to wrap her hand in a clean handkerchief.

Toushiro took her hand and tied it himself.

Momo blushed.

----

Everyone had gathered at entrance of the zoo. Shunsui took a roll call again. People were generally keeping their distance from him. He smelt bad, like something had vomited on him or something.

'Where are Hisagi and Iba?' Shunsui asked.

'They had a run in with a hippopotamus,' Komamura said.

'I see,' Shunsui said, although he really didn't.

Someone pointed, 'Look there they are now!'

Everyone turned. Hisagi and Iba were coming down the path.

'Don't you think there's something different about Iba-san?' Nemu asked.

The others agreed, 'I can't quite place it though,' Matsumoto said.

Iba felt naked. In order to please the hippo he'd been made to give up his prized sunglasses.

The hippo didn't look half as good as he did when wearing them.

----

With Shunsui leading the way the group made their way towards the hotel. By now it was the early hours of morning and even though no one would admit it they were all dog tired.

As they progressed the streets became what Shunsui would call lively and what Nanao would call seedy.

'Where are you taking us?' Nanao hissed at her captain.

'The hotel is somewhere around here,' Shunsui mumbled, checking his map that Isshin had printed from MapQuest.

Women in fish net tights and bright red lipstick called out to Toushiro and whistled as he passed. He found it hard to keep a straight face.

'Shiro-chan, why do you have a funny face? Is it because you want Momo to dress up like these women?' Yachiru piped up.

Toushiro didn't know how to reply, he wanted to know how such an innocent child could be so...so...vulgar. Surely she couldn't have got it from Zaraki?

He swatted her away.

Byakuya walked by wearing his usual stony expression. Hisana had a feeling she didn't have anything to worry about.

Iba thought that nobody would notice if he just hung back and had a little fun, he missed his glasses and needed some consolation.

Renji didn't really know what to think of this place and stared at the floor.

Shunsui stopped. Renji walked into him.

'We're here!' Shunsui said proudly.

Nanao's mouth fell open.

'Y'know Nanao you'd better close your mouth before a bird makes a nest in there,' Shunsui said.

Nanao whacked him with her book.

'You silly, silly man, this is a love hotel. A bloody love hotel!' She shouted at him.

'Really?' Shunsui said. 'It looks like a normal hotel to me...what is this love hotel that you speak of.'

Nanao stared at him. The others backed away. No way were they going to stay in a love hotel.

'Shunsui Kyoraku, you'd better come up with a better place to stay or I swear to God I'll never forgive you,' Nanao shouted at him.

Shunsui whimpered.

This was not how it was mean to go.

----

The group had split up, all in search of their own lodgings for the week. Nanao for some reason she couldn't comprehend had stuck with Shunsui. He promised to find a better hotel.

Problem was they were mostly booked up for the New Year holidays. It was hard to find anywhere even just with a single bed.

All hope seemed lost when they found one with a room free. The catch, oh, it only had one double bed.

Shunsui really didn't mind and didn't think it mattered. The lady at the reception thought it didn't either since they looked like the sweetest couple she had ever seen. Shunsui quickly settled payment and took their luggage to the third floor.

Nanao stood facing the bed. Shunsui stood next to her. Unfortunately there wasn't even a couch that she could sleep on. No. Only the bed.

Shunsui who was pretty much game for anything tried the commitment card.

'You know, I've always wanted to settle down and get married,' he said.

Nanao thought about this for a moment, marriage didn't seem too bad.

'Yes and I'm also a big fan of children...'

Nanao tried to picture this but all she came up with was lots of little Shunsuis running riot and her trying to bash them with her book like something akin to whack-a-mole.

She nearly fainted at the thought of having children.

She couldn't help but smile though. She knew what he was trying to do, and she thought that was nice of him.

Shunsui yawned and collapsed onto the bed. Nanao frowned, he nearly took up all the space. How was she meant to sleep without touching him?

'Nanao, I'm a grown man, I can control myself,' Shunsui murmured.

Nanao wasn't so sure of this.

* * *

**I'm sorry I didn't update...I**** got the flu after going to Rose's house...I couldn't move or do anything...**

**So to make up for it I wrote an extra-special long chapter which is like twice as long as they normally are...it was like 4500 words which was like amazing for someone like me.**

**Anyways...at first I thought ****Renji's**** eyebrows were creepy... but now I have changed my mind and he's allowed into the ****smexy**** male bleach cast list. Practically everyone's in it except people like Ishida, Iba and ****Omaeda**** and all the ****Bounts**** and ****Arrancars****...Nerdy ****Aizen**** with glasses is allowed onto the list but Elvis ****Aizen**** has been rejected.**

**When talking to Rose about Byakuya she said something that made me laugh in my sleep, the conversation went like this:**

_**Rhea**_**: Byakuya is more like i****ce and everyone else turns hot seeing him...  
**_**Rose**_**: Cover me in ice cream because he makes my legs feel like jelly**

**Ha****..jokes****...trust Rose to say something like that...anyways... that song is an awesome song I just can't remember who sang it...Rose will know...**

**Also all those ancient Greek references were true '****cause**** I learn ancient Greek in school...**

**And egg eating snakes exist too...In case you were wondering..**

**Unfortunately I'm all out of poems...dammit..****.  
I hope that doesn't stop you from reviewing.**


	39. The Double Bed

**Good Afternoon!**

**Turns out that my flu wasn't flu but a bad ass chest infection and I couldn't stop upchucking yellow phlegm...****It's really hard to write a chapter when you have to run off to the bathroom every ten minutes or so with nastiness coming ****outta**** your mouth...**

**Since I have been ill with nothing to do I decided to watch the Bleach Musical...oh my...I sat there literally like this 0.0 for the whole time...it was ok...but when Aizen and Gin sang a duet to together because Matsumoto wasn't available you know something's wrong.**

**Anyways onto more pleasant things...due to a long sleep and another bleach themed dream...****Ulquiorra ****and ****Grimmjaw**** are**** now on the list of smexy males from bleach...**

**Dedication go****es to Psycho-Neurotically Disturbed**** because they gave me the biggest review ever and I felt really, really happy.**

**So with that, as they say, ONWARDS!

* * *

**

Chapter 38

Even though it was the middle of winter outside with snow falling quite heavily but in room 303 you couldn't really tell.

Nanao was very warm, comfortably so. Nanao's eyes shot open.

This was bad. Very bad.

Somehow during the course of their three hours sleep she and Shunsui had managed to entangle their limbs in every way possible. Her face was facing Shunsui's and she thanked God that he was still asleep, glancing at the clock she realised it wouldn't be another two hours till Shunsui would even dare to wake up. God knows what would have happened if he was awake and found himself in this position.

However, Nanao thought, it could have been a lot worse. There could have been clothes strewn about the room. Luckily for her though both of them were still wearing their clothes from yesterday.

Nanao soon found it was rather like quicksand; the more she struggled to get loose, the further she got herself entangled. If anyone else saw this they would have thought it looked like a car crash...limbs flung about in every direction.

Shunsui mumbled something, during her struggles she had managed to get closer to him.

'Stop moving,' he breathed in her ear. Nanao thought this tickled and was about to laugh when she realised that she really needed to get out of this position. She was not under any circumstances meant to be enjoying this.

One of Shunsui's legs were over hers and she was in a prime position to kick him in the...ahem...crown jewels. But Nanao thought this was a bit low. After a few minutes more struggling Shunsui was now nearly on top her, his face in her neck, both arms around her and about half of his body. It was starting to get a little awkward.

Although one part of Nanao really didn't mind having Shunsui so close; it was oddly comforting, the other more strong willed part of her was feeling murderous and ready to bash someone with a large book.

Unfortunately, since his face was nuzzled against her neck, she was becoming distracted from the task at hand which was to break away from this human wreckage.

She soon found herself thinking that it would be rather nice to lie there a little longer.

Nanao couldn't believe this, it was only the first night and it was all going wrong. She couldn't believe she had to endure another five nights of this.

After some time she managed to untangle herself from Shunsui, he didn't notice. She took her pillow and went to sleep in the bath.

And that's where he found her two hours later. Sleeping in the bath wrapped in the shower curtain for warmth.

----

Hisana woke from a troubled sleep.

Byakuya, being made of money among other things, had secured them a penthouse suite for the week and now he was fast asleep beside her. His deep breathing calmed her.

But something was still amiss.

Our time, she thought, however long or short it may be is limited. Once it is over, that's it. There is no coming back.

So why was she here?

She had died, and now having missed so much she found herself once again living.

Resurrection isn't right.

She found herself on the verge of tears. Byakuya woke at this moment, as if sensing her distress.

'What's the matter?' he asked the concern clear in his voice.

She didn't reply but curled against him. He could feel the hot tears on his chest as she willed herself back to sleep.

She was crying because she knew.

Because she knew she wasn't meant to be alive.

----

Komamura, Hisgai and Iba had located a comfortable looking bench to sleep on.

Soon Hisagi and Iba were snoring loudly. Komamura after removing the basket from his head curled into a ball and fell asleep.

However when Hisagi and Iba woke he was gone.

He hadn't even put on his basket.

----

Kira and Renji had been accepted with open arms into the local YMCA building.

They had even offered Kira free therapy sessions because he couldn't sleep. The reason he couldn't sleep. Frogs.

When walking through the amphibian house at the zoo he and Masumoto, before the crocodile incident, came across a tank of frogs.

Their wide smiles reminded them of someone (Gin) and while this someone was a nightmare for Kira; Matsumoto thought they looked cute.

Renji was a role model. To the people of the YMCA Renji was a walking add for a reformed gangster. His eyebrows were obviously some sort of gang design and since he didn't want to kill them he must be good and Christian.

----

Momo had been taken in to an abused women's centre. One look at her busted hand and she was accepted.

She also had this haunted look of someone who's been psychologically tortured. They too offered her therapy sessions.

They went something like this:

'So Hinamori, I am going to show you a series of images and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to your mind when you see them, okay?' the doctor asked.

Momo nodded to be polite. She was just looking for a place to sleep.

The first image came up, an explosion of black ink on white card. It sort of resembled a mop.

But if that mop wore glasses...

'Aizen-taichou,' Momo said confidently.

'Captain Aizen?' the doctor asked, confused, she was meant to say mop.

'Yes.'

'Umm...okay,' the doctor scribbled something on her notepad and showed the next image.

This image was here to give the patient total freedom with their imagination. The picture didn't show anything, only a mess of different colours, that resembled...well...a mess.

'Aizen,' Momo said again.

The doctor frowned. 'Who is this Aizen?' she asked.

'My captain, but he's gone now...' Momo explained.

'So he left you?' the doctor asked, feeling as if she was getting there.

'NO! He's a good man, he'd never do anything to hurt me,' Momo said defensively.

The doctor sighed, classic symptoms of someone who's been abused. She still defended the man. Have no fear Hinamori, the doctor thought; I've dedicated my life to helping poor women like you so don't worry!

She showed the next image.

'Aizen,' came the answer.

Another image.

'Aizen.'

The next image flashed up.

'Aizen.'

The final picture was shown.

The doctor interrupted before Momo could say anything.

'No don't tell me, it's Aizen right?'

Momo looked at her, 'I was going to say a turkey, but I guess if you put glasses on it then it would.'

The therapist narrowed her eyes.

They were going to be here for a long time.

---

Nemu headed to Ichigo's house where she knew the clones were staying.

They would definitely give her a place to stay.

---

Ikakku and Yumichika had found a derelict building, which Ikakku had checked for egg eating snakes.

Even thought the building was practically falling down, Yumichika didn't really care and just fell asleep.

---

Toushiro and Matsumoto went to Urahara's where he welcomed them with open arms. Toushiro thought that he seemed happier to see Matsumoto than him.

Maybe it was because Matsumoto gave him a smothering hug for his hospitableness.

----

It was late morning when Ichigo woke up, he was saved from his dad's usual greeting because he was at a medical conference and wouldn't be back till the evening.

He stumble down the stairs and went into the kitchen.

He stopped.

The back door was open.

Ichigo couldn't think for the life of him why there was a porcupine going through his cupboards.

He screamed. On his dining table was Zaraki, snoring loudly. Yachiru was curled on his stomach like a kitten.

Someone pushed past Ichigo. Nemu walked through the door and went to fridge. She took out a carton of milk and helped herself to a bowl of fruit loops. She sat at the table finding a patch that wasn't occupied by Zaraki and nibbled on some toast.

Rukia joined Ichigo the door. Her eyes widened.

'Oh my God, Ichigo is that a bandicoot?' she asked excitedly.

Ichigo sighed, he was in a house filled with mad people. One of the mad people he loved dearly and so he could get over it the others he wasn't so sure of...

'No, that's not a bandicoot,' he said patiently, wondering when she would notice Zaraki on his dining table.

Rukia's smile dimmed, 'What is it then?'

'Erethizon dorsatum,' Nemu supplied quietly, 'Also more commonly known as a North American Porcupine.'

She patted Zaraki on the arm, 'Zaraki-sama would you like some breakfast?'

Zaraki opened an eye, he mumbled something and sat up, Ichigo could have sworn he heard the table groan under the pressure. Yachiru rolled off him and landed on the floor still sleeping.

'What is there?' he asked Nemu

'A strange food called fruit loops and I saw some meat in the fridge,' Nemu said.

Zaraki grunted in response and stomped over the fridge, he ripped the door open and found a steak in one of the drawers. He ate it as it was.

Ichigo made a choking sound, 'You're mean to cook it, you idiot,' he shouted.

'What kind of guy eats raw meat?!' Ichigo shouted, Rukia patted him on the shoulder in consolation.

'A manly one,' Nemu said.

'Huh?' Ichigo said, confused.

'Apparently manly men eat raw meat,' Nemu explained.

'What else do manly men do?' Rukia asked, interested.

'They go bungee jumping,' Nemu replied.

Ichigo couldn't believe what he was hearing.

'You are talking garbage, every time you open your mouth garbage comes out,' he shouted at them.

Nemu thought this was a little hurtful. Zaraki returned from the fridge after patting his porcupine on the head. He had fed it fruits loops and after trying a few himself he took the whole box.

'Where did you get porcupine?' Ichigo asked, dreading the answer.

'I got it from the Zoo, he's my pet,' Zaraki said proudly. Yachiru chose this moment to wake up. It must have been the fact that they were talking about the porcupine.

'I thought Yachiru was your pet?' Rukia asked.

'So did I,' Yachiru said darkly, giving the animal dirty looks.

'You can't just go and take things from Zoos, that's illegal,' Ichigo said angrily.

'There were loads of them, no one's gonna miss him,' Zaraki said, making eerie cooing noises at his new friend.

Yachiru, needless to say was overcome with jealously. She walked towards it slowly. As if perceiving a threat, it bared its spines and hissed at her. Yachiru advanced. Zaraki laughed and picked Yachiru up by the scruff of the neck.

'Don't be mean Yachiru, just wait till the others come, and then you'll forget all about him. Why don't you have some fruit loops?' Zaraki suggested.

Yachiru was quite taken with the brightly coloured box and dived in.

Ichigo stopped moving. His body turned stiff. Rukia looked at him.

'What's the matter?'

'He said 'others',' Ichigo said, quietly.

Third and the other clones walked into the kitchen and busied themselves with breakfast orientated tasks.

'Hey! Who ate my steak?' Second shouted.

Zaraki leered at him, Second didn't give in.

'I ate it,' Zaraki said.

'Yeah, he ate it raw,' Ichigo said.

'Wow, really, so do I,' Second said, happy to find a fellow raw meat eater.

Zaraki had the feeling he liked this person already.

First sat next to Nemu and began to read the paper, 'Oh yes and why is there an Erethizon dorsatum in the kitchen?' he asked.

'Long story,' Rukia replied and helped herself to juice, leaving Ichigo alone in the doorway.

Third patted Nemu on head and reached for the box of fruit loops, it felt heavier than before. He tipped it out and Yachiru fell into his bowl.

'You're not fruit loops,' Third said.

----

After everyone had sorted themselves out they waited in the living room for the others to arrive.

It was about mid afternoon when they started to come.

Toushiro and Matsumoto came first.

Renji and Kira came second, and for once Kira looked like he had slept well.

Momo came after them looking a lot more, to Hitsugaya's relief, refreshed as if she was looking at the world all over again.

Yumichika and Ikkaku came next, covered in what seemed to be plaster and brick-work.

Shunsui and Nanao arrived soon after them. Shunsui was looking rather smug but Nanao looked as if she had neck pains.

Byakuya and Hisana turned up shortly after, Hisana instantly started chatting to Rukia and Byakuya avoided Ichigo.

They waited another hour or so, by this time it was early evening.

Iba, Hisagi and Komamura had not turned up.

'Do you think they got lost?' Shunsui asked.

'Komamura is too clever to get lost,' First said.

People nodded at this.

'Who are you people?' Toushiro asked.

'We are clones of Mayuri,' Second explained.

'You mean that's what he looks like under the mask?' Renji asked.

'Yup,' Third confirmed.

'Told ya there was a reason he wore a mask,' Matsumoto said.

'Isn't Nemu lucky?' Yumichika said, sitting next to Third and engaging him in conversation.

'Those two are like two peas in a pod,' Ichigo muttered.

At this point Iba and Hisagi burst through the door.

'What are those things on your face?' Shunsui asked Iba.

'These? Oh, they're my new sunglasses,' Iba said proudly.

'They look funny,' Yachiru piped up.

Iba stared at her, 'They're not funny, and they're aviator sunglasses.'

The shinigami frowned.

Iba tried again, 'Anyways they're really popular in the living world.'

'If you're a cop or a pilot,' Ichigo said.

Hisgai interrupted. 'Look that's not why we're so late, it's about Komamura taichou.'

'Oh yeah! I forgot about him, where he is?' Shunsui asked.

'Yeah that's the problem,' Hisagi said.

'Eh?' Shunsui replied.

'Komamura's missing.'

* * *

**There's only one place Komamura could've gone...**

**I don't much like fruit loops, maybe it's because I am not American...you can't buy fruit loops in England...I like frogs though, but not to eat. French people do that.**

**My brother once asked me why I had a picture of Byakuya as my background picture and I was like 'I'm a girl and he's hot.' ****He just looked at me weirdly.**

**Anyway no one likes to listen to a mad person rambling, so without further ado...poems.**

**This one was done by ****Psycho-Neurotically Disturbed****, I think it was pretty awesome considering, I like to eat various cast members of bleach,  
_There once was a man of mine,  
For him you did pine.  
But he went on with his day  
_****_Not looking her way,  
And so on him she did not dine._**

**And now one from me, which won't be as good:  
_There was once a woman called Sue,  
Whom my story she did not review,  
One day she caught a terrible flu,  
And it happened, everyone knew,  
Because she drank my tainted stew._**

**That wasn'****t very good;**** I was just trying to make it rhyme. So watch out next time you drink some stew.  
****Finally a funny poem by Rose  
_Oh give me a home,  
where the smexy do roam,  
and Mayuri and Byakuya play!_**


	40. Wet Byakuya

**Good Evening!**

**Hooray for Cheerio's-I love a good cheerio I do.**** I hate crunchy nut cornflakes though. ****Ickyness**** I like toast.**

**Oh, well, sam****e story, p****hlegm and all****, 'tis very gooey**** and because I am ill Nanao will suffer.**

**I plan at ****the opening of my chapters to ****show how Nanao and Shunsui slept every night they were in the real world.**

**I also noticed that Mayuri is totally ****ooc****. But I think that's ok because the real one no matter how nice he looks is a bastard**** at the beginning anyway.**** He calms down after****wards sort of...**

**Dedication to ****Psycho-Neurotically Disturbed because she is a poet.

* * *

**

Chapter 39

This time Nanao was not so comfortable.

She felt like she was being crushed.

She opened an eye. She could see the ceiling and walls. This meant the building hadn't mysteriously fallen on top of her.

What was the cause of this crushing feeling? She looked down to see herself draped in Shunsui's body. Great, she thought, he has the whole bed but decides to sleep _on_ me. Nanao then noticed that his shirt was distressingly unbuttoned. It was possibly the worst sexual harassment case she had ever seen or experienced. His weight made it hard to breathe; she wondered how she had lasted the night like this.

The rest of yesterday was spent looking for Komamura but to no avail and so the group had decided to spend the whole of today doing just that.

Nanao felt it in her stomach. Oh dear, she thought.

'Taichou, I need you to get off me,' she said in her most business like tone.

'Nanao-chan, I can't do that. You might run off to the bathroom again,' Shunsui mumbled opening his eyes, he propped himself up on his elbows. Nanao reached for her book but then realised she had left it in the Soul Society. She was alone in a room, with Shunsui on top of her and no book to save her.

She felt her stomach twinge.

'Sir, I think I'm going to be sick,' she said.

'You're only saying that so I'll get off you.'

'You silly man, you're not meant to be on me in the first place, but no I'm not lying, I really need to use the bathroom,' Nanao said, getting angrier by the second. Her stomach lurched dangerously.

Shunsui noticed that her face had gone very pale and was tinged with what might be called green. He rolled off her in an instant.

Nanao bolted and hurled into the toilet.

Shunsui leant in the doorway, watching with concern.

'What's the matter?' he asked.

'I think I ate a bad oyster,' Nanao murmured, breathing heavily.

'Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why do you think my shirt's is open?' Shunsui explained, 'The word aphrodisiac was derived from the name of Greek goddess of love Aphrodite.'

Nanao ignored him and went to the sink.

'Maybe,' Shunsui went on, 'maybe it's not food poisoning at all.'

'What would it be then,' Nanao replied.

'Morning sickness.'

Nanao bent over the toilet again.

-----

The others had already arrived at Ichigo's house, which had become their meeting point. Since it was morning there were many stifled yawns and clinks of bowls and plates.

First was reading the newspaper. Second was chucking grapes in the air and catching them in his mouth. Byakuya sipped tea. Third was eating cheerio's. His fruit loops had all been devoured by the joint efforts of the porcupine, Yachiru and Zaraki.

Last night when Isshin had returned from his conference he had faced a large group of very angry looking shinigami. Nanao whacked him with a lamp and scolded him for his choice of friends.

They'd found it hard to forgive him about the love hotel thing but forced to get over it, since he was the one who invited them here and was giving some of them a home.

Isshin was now locked in his room, where he couldn't cause any more trouble for anyone.

'Where are Shunsui and Nanao,' Toushiro asked, peeling an orange.

'There's only one reason they'd be taking so long, and that's if Nanao killed Shunsui,' Matsumoto said.

'The chances of that are very unlikely, but there could be another reason why they are so late,' Nemu said. 'They were both seen eating oysters yesterday.'

Nemu's cold logic silenced them.

'No way,' Momo said, 'They'd never do something like _that_.'

First frowned at the article he was reading, he showed to Byakuya who, after reading, it frowned with him. 'You think that...?'

First nodded.

The phone rang and much to Ichigo's chagrin Matsumoto picked up.

'That was Shunsui,' she said after she had put the phone down.

'Where are they?' Toushiro asked, thinking it might have been traffic.

'Apparently Nanao's got morning sickness so they won't be joining us,' Matsumoto explained.

Everyone stopped what they were doing. Even the porcupine, which was nibbling at Toushiro's orange peel, stopped.

Second chocked on a grape and Third karate chopped him on the back. The grape popped out into Byakuya's tea cup. It made a soft plopping sound.

Byakuya was about to drink the said tea but Ichigo, having seen what had happened, knocked the tea over. It spilled onto his lap and hands. The cup shattered.

Heads turned. Third stepped on Ichigo's foot, 'What was that for you could have just said something?,' he growled at him angry at Ichigo for hurting his precious Byakuya.

'I didn't think there was time,' Ichigo said.

Byakuya was sitting very still. Even though the tea was scolding and his legs felt burnt, the pain was immaterial. He stood and turned to Ichigo. People backed away.

The porcupine licked Byakuya's trouser leg. He felt as if the insolence was slowly suffocating him, someone was going to have to pay dearly for this. Hisana took him by the sleeve and dragged him to the next room.

Everyone looked accusingly at Ichigo. The injustice was killing him. He was trying to do the right thing. It wasn't his fault that he just went about it the wrong way.

'Umm, don't forget, Nanao has morning sickness,' he said as if trying to change the subject. It worked. Everyone was once again preoccupied with this strange fact.

'If she has morning sickness now they must have been together since before we came here,' Matsumoto concluded.

'That's just wrong,' Toushiro muttered. 'It also doesn't make sense, Nanao is a smart person.'

---

Nanao wiped her face with a towel, listening to Shunsui on the phone.

She thought it was nice of him to stay with her while she was ill and since she knew it wasn't morning sickness she was even happier.

Then Shunsui opened his mouth.

'Yes, she's got morning sickness...'she heard him say.

She was out of the bathroom in seconds. She glared at him, wishing that she hadn't left her big book behind.

Shunsui gulped and put the phone down.

'Did you just tell them that I had morning sickness?' Nanao asked, the threat clear in her voice.

'Maybe...as a joke,' Shunsui said.

She was about to say something else but was called back to the toilet on urgent business.

----

Byakuya sat down on the bed. They had gone back to their suite so that he could change. But changing his clothes wasn't going to change his mood.

'Don't be angry at him,' Hisana advised, while fishing some clothes out of a suitcase. She sat beside him.

'Why shouldn't I be?' Byakuya said quietly. 'A normal person would have said something.'

Hisana caught sight of his hand; the skin had turned an angry red colour. 'Doesn't that hurt?' she asked.

'No.'

She sighed; he was being as impassive as ever.

But then again she still hadn't told him why she had been crying that time.

She guessed it was even.

----

The group of shinigami clustered outside the small building. Byakuya and Hisana had rejoined the group and after showing them the news article they had decided that this was where Komamura was.

Barking and howling could be heard.

'D'you think one of them is Komamura?' Iba asked.

'Probably not, he's a quiet sort of person,' Hisagi replied.

Renji didn't think that 'person' was the right word.

They trooped into Karakura's only dog pound.

The walls were lined with small cages that made them wince. How would Komamura fit into one of these things?

Dogs of all sizes were barking at them. They bared their teeth and snapped at their cages. Iba needless to say was starting to fear the worst.

The attendant took them to an open area at the end of the room.

'Is this your pet?' the woman asked. Curled up in a tight ball was unmistakeably Komamura he was attached to the wall by a chain. Iba choked back a sob of relief.

Once they had shooed the attendant away Komamura spoke.

'Tetsuzaemon,' he said.

'Yes,' Iba replied.

'Get me out of here,' Komamura said.

'We don't have any proof that he's our pet,' First said.

'That's because I'm not,' Komamura muttered.

'We can't take him out of here unless we can prove it.'

There was a depressed silence after this.

'What we need is a distraction,' Matsumoto said after a while.

'Where do we get one of those?' Iba asked.

There was silence as everyone was in deep thought.

'We could blow a hole a wall in the wall,' Renji suggested.

'How do you do that without killing us and the other dogs?' Hitsugaya said.

'These dogs look like they have rabies anyway, it doesn't matter if they die,' Second muttered.

Third slapped him on the back of the head, 'That's a very cruel thing to say,' he scolded.

Second didn't really look as if he cared. Komamura couldn't take much more of this. He had to leave while he still had some dignity. He broke the chain with little effort.

He let out a mighty roar and all the other dogs followed suit. They broke out of their cages.

'Oh my God! How are they doing that?' Momo squealed, as a small skinny dog jumped out at her. The attendant came back, surprise clearly written on her face. Dogs were running around snapping at each other's tails and generally causing havoc.

'What happened?' she shouted at them over the din.

'I don't know, they all went crazy, by the way we'll be going now with _our_ pet,' First explained smoothly. The attendant nodded dumbly, wondering how she was going to get these dogs back to normal. She could get out a tranquiliser gun and shoot them all, but because there were so many dogs a machine gun would have been more appropriate. After everyone left she shut the metal door and padlocked it.

The dogs could sort out themselves.

---

It was mid afternoon when they finally returned to Ichigo's house. Nobody was in a good mood; they smelt of wet dog and had been threatened with rabies. Worst of all Komamura needed a bath but Ichigo wouldn't let them use his one.

'Why not?' Komamura growled.

Ichigo sighed, 'You're too big, and besides you wouldn't even fit into the bathroom!' he argued.

Matsumoto had an idea, 'Hey Ichigo do you have a hose?'

'Err, yeah, it's outside on the patio,' Ichigo said, getting a bad feeling about this.

Ten minutes later Matsumoto, Toushiro, Momo, Iba, Hisagi, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Yachiru, Renji, Kira, Byakuya, Hisana, Rukia, Ichigo and Komamura were standing on the patio.

'Just stand in the middle of the patio and I'll spray you, ok?' Ichigo said. Komamura did so and emptied a bottle of doggy shampoo over his head.

Ichigo clicked the hose on. A fine spray cascaded over Komamura.

'Wow, that looks like fun!' Yachiru said with glee and took the nozzle from Ichigo.

'Hey! Give that back, you'll get everyone wet,' Ichigo shouted.

The porcupine wandered over and Yachiru sprayed it with full force, it was sent tumbling backwards.

Ichigo looked around hurriedly, 'Zaraki didn't see that, did he?' he asked the others.

'No, it looks like he's sleeping on the table,' Toushiro said, looking through the kitchen window.

However no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get Yachiru to relinquish her hold on the hose pipe. Soon enough, everybody was wet, with the exception of Byakuya who just seemed immune to the silliness.

Komamura had the feeling that this wasn't about him getting clean anymore.

Kira was just about to grab a hold of the small girl when she sprayed him in the face. He reeled backwards as if he had been hit with hydrochloric acid at Ph 2. Kira cried out in shock and Renji dragged him over to a dry patch of land.

'Why are you crying?' he asked.

Kira move his hands, 'She's made my guy-liner run!' he screamed and sure enough there were dark smudges underneath both of his eyes.

'Looks the same,' Renji said, which was half true.

Matsumoto patted him on the head, 'Don't worry Kira use this stuff, it's waterproof,' she said and handed him some new eye-liner.

Matsumoto was thinking she was getting good karma when Yachiru gave her a burst of ice cold water. It didn't matter if she had boobies of steel, they wouldn't protect her from this. She screamed and ran after the small child. Ichigo took a filled bucket of water and made to pour it over the ball of pink. Unfortunately Ikkaku had just tripped on the hose pipe and went careering into Ichigo who sent the bucket flying. Onto the only dry person there.

Needless to say Byakuya was not pleased.

Everyone stopped moving.

The hose fell limply to the floor.

The men were jealous.

His shirt was soaked to the point where you could practically see through it, not that females present were that bothered. His hair fell across his face in wet streaks. Rivulets of cold water ran down his face.

Water dripped from his jaw line.

Hisana was afraid someone might try and jump him if she took his eyes off him.

He looked at Ichigo.

When he spoke it was calm and not in the least angry sounding.

'Yachiru,' he said slowly, still looking at Ichigo.

Yachiru bounced up to him, 'Yes.'

'Make sure that Komamura gets clean,' and as if it was an afterthought, 'Please pass me the hose.'

Yachiru gave him the nozzle, he pointed it Ichigo.

Ichigo gulped.

In an instant he was standing in front of Ichigo, the suddenness of the movement made him back up against the wall of his house. Byakuya had one hand casually in a pocket, the other holding the nozzle against Ichigo's chest. It actually hurt.

'Kurosaki Ichigo,' he said as if he enjoyed every single moment of this, 'do not think you will be forgiven easily for your actions.'

He crushed the hose nozzle in his hand and dropped it at Ichigo's feet.

With a single fluid movement he flicked hair from his face and went inside, the water seemed to evaporate off him with every step he took.

The silence was filled with women trying to catch their breath back.

Hisana patted him on the arm, 'I think you're lucky he was in a good mood, if he had his zanpaktou who knows what would have happened.'

He nudged the remains of the hose nozzle with his foot.

'You would have tried to stop him right?' Ichigo asked he looked at Rukia who gave him a non-committal shrug.

'Right?' he said.

Rukia wasn't so sure; her brother, when he looked like that seemed to be a different person, a person that she'd rather watch with dreamy eyes than get involved with.

'Right,' she said.

Ichigo didn't seem very convinced.

It started to rain.

---

By late afternoon the group had managed to clean Komamura, it had taken longer since Byakuya had broken the nozzle but no one said anything about that.

Matsumoto stretched and shivered, not only had she drenched in cold water, she had now been rained on.

'Maybe we should go inside,' Toushiro said looking at his lieutenant and then promptly snapping it the other direction his face a deep shade of red.

'What's the matter?' Matsumoto said.

'Y...your..clothes...ummm...put...new..ones,' Hitsugaya muttered. Matsumoto looked down and to her surprise she saw that her clothes were see-through to the extent that you could see what was her choice of underclothing was or lack of thereof.

Toushiro mumbled something else and wandered over to Momo but before he reached her Yachiru accosted him.

'Why do have a red face, Shiro-chan? Is it because you want Momo to have see through-clothes?' Yachiru asked innocently. Toushiro went red again and shouted at the young lieutenant.

'Oh! I know I know! It's because you want Momo to become a big boobies-chan, isn't it?' Yachiru sang happily. Hitsugaya thanked God for not letting anyone else hear that. He yelled at Yachiru for good measure then walked off. He didn't feel he was in the right mood for talking to Momo and went off in search of a clean towel.

Ichigo made Rukia check that Byakuya wasn't it the kitchen.

'The coast is clear,' Rukia sighed and Ichigo crept into the kitchen and went to his room. Byakuya was in fact in the clinic with Isshin.

'You're probably going to get a cold,' Isshin said as Byakuya sneezed. He didn't think sneezing was very noble, it was a sign of weakness if anything. Hisana was sitting next to him drying his hair with a white towel.

Byakuya didn't say anything.

'Don't you wanna ask any questions?' Isshin asked.

Byakuya didn't much like doctors, they were fools, at one point they had let Hisana die.

'Don't worry about him,' Hisana said, 'He doesn't like doctors much and he thinks colds are a sign of weakness.'

Byakuya allowed himself the luxury of a small smile, that woman no matter what he did could always read him like a book.

----

Nanao was lying on the bed when Shunsui spoke. The day had passed in amicable silence without anything really interesting happening.

'Do you want to go for a walk?' Shunsui asked. The ceiling had become a little boring to look at.

Nanao had to admit she was feeling better, she had stopped throwing up and her complexion had returned to normal.

She agreed and left the room with him.

It was late afternoon and in the town the sky was clear but the air cold. They wandered through shops, generally enjoying the experience.

Soon after the sky darkened and the pattering of rain could be heard.

'Just our luck,' Nanao muttered as she and Shunsui became steadily drenched. They ran to an empty bus shelter.

'You haven't got a coat,' Shunsui said.

'I know,' Nanao replied, they were alone, the rain forcing everyone to stay in their homes.

'You'll get a cold,' Shunsui warned.

'No I won't' Nanao stubbornly said, but then again her arms had goose-bumps and cold water trickled down her back. She had a bad feeling that she too would be feeling the unwanted effects of a winter cold.

Shunsui said something under his breath and put his jacket round Nanao's shoulders.

'What about you?' Nanao said, his flawed chivalry not impressing her.

'I cannot be harmed by mere water my dear Nanao-chan,' Shunsui sang.

He sneezed.

'Dammit!'

Nanao laughed at him. Shunsui sighed and stepped towards her. The laughter stopped.

'What are you doing?' Nanao asked, warily watching every move he made.

'Umm, huddling together for warmth,' Shunsui said hopefully.

Nanao gave him one of her trademark no nonsense looks.

'Penguins do it,' Shunsui assured her.

'Do I look like penguin?' Nanao muttered.

He pushed a strand of hair away from her face with his thumb, 'No, but if you were a penguin I'd bet you'd be the prettiest penguin there ever was.'

Nanao wasn't so sure of this, but something else weighed more heavily on her mind.

'Your hands...are rough...,' Nanao mumbled.

He leaned closer, 'This is our little secret but sometimes I'm a super awesome swordsman in my spare time.'

She smiled at him and for some reason she couldn't hear the rain but was aware of her own heart beat. Oh dear, she thought, any minute now I'm going to find myself drowning in mush.

Shunsui was now only inches away.

She closed her eyes and so did he.

A second later the airport express coach bombed past the small shelter, causing a tidal wave of water to splash onto the couple.

They opened their eyes.

'What just happened?' Nanao asked, water dripping from her nose.

'I think a bus went past,' Shunsui, who really wanted to pound the driver. He had the feeling he wasn't going to get another chance like that again.

For a very long time anyway.

He was wrong.

* * *

**'_Keep me drowning in your love'_ I miss the Backstreet Boys.**

**Gosh, another longish chapter. ****YAY.**

**Thinking about Byakuya wet gives me shivers. ****Gah****! I had to stop writing after the sentence about his jaw line. My brain needed a reboot.**

**Today was a day where I went to the doctor, who told me I was ill because of stress...chest infections don't come from stress...then I went to school...haven't done that in a long time.**

**In biology we dissected stuff it was awesomely fun, it was just an excuse to butcher things and poke pieces of meat...I found out that I'd make a useless surgeon though.**

**If Zaraki went to school they wouldn't have any meat to dissect because he would have eaten them all...thats manly that is...**

**Poem time: YAY: It's a pretty bad one though.**

**Alas, poor Yorrick,  
He died in Warrick,  
Review he did not,  
And so OD'd on pot.**

**Pot is bad for kiddies...and adults too and remember Rhea loves each and every one of you for bothering to read this far.**


	41. Kiss Under The Fireworks

**Good...I've run out of things...dammit...I'll just have to start over...Morning!**

**Rose wasn't in school on Friday****, she's just trying to avoid German lessons ****methinks**

**I understand why she does it...**

**Gosh, Rhea is updating too fast for her own brain, relatively speaking it isn't**** actually**** that fast compared to some people (ahem...Rose)...**

**Something funny just happened, my dad walked into my room and I quickly went onto my desktop screen, which happened to be a very nice picture of Byakuya and my dad was like 'Are you doing homework?' Sees laptop screen, 'Oh. That's a nice picture.' and then walked out of the room. I wasn't expecting that to happen.**

**Rhea is slowly getting better so Nanao won't have to suffer as much. Now she gets ****brainless ****mush.**

**Dedication ****goes to ****Psycho-Neurotically Disturbed****...'coz she is awesomeness...**

* * *

Chapter 40 

Nanao tried to think of a time when she had felt like this.

She couldn't for the simple fact that she had never felt like this before.

Shunsui opened his eyes.

He was pleasantly surprised to find himself being held by Nanao. He didn't want to move. It was almost too good to be true. Her arms were wrapped around his chest and her head buried in his chest. If this wasn't the cutest thing he had ever seen...

Nanao opened her eyes. Yesterday left her mind fuzzy; she frowned and lay still for a moment.

She heard breathing, was it hers or his?

She wasn't sure.

Yesterday the two had hurried back to their room after being soaked by the bus. It seemed that the day's adventures had taken their toll on the already frail Nanao and she came down with a fever. Shunsui who only had a slight cold decided to use the penguin theory again. When Nanao had fallen asleep he had wrapped her in his prized haori and after making sure that his precious Nanao was comfortable he allowed himself, finally, to doze off.

Nanao released her captain and rolled onto her back.

Shunsui gasped, 'Gah! Nanao come back, it's cold without you,' he said.

Nanao felt cold too, but didn't say anything. The room was a blur and she fumbled for her glasses. Once she had put them on she turned to Shunsui who stretched out, head propped up by an elbow, facing her.

Shunsui was watching her and she wondered what was so interesting. She noticed that he was wearing a small smile.

'Why are you looking at me like that?' she asked, unaware that she was pulling the sheets around her. She needed protection.

'I was just thinking that I would like my haori back...' he said.

Nanao stared at him, she looked down. Oh dear.

It was big for her and the sleeves covered her hands. Shunsui thought this was very cute too.

'If you don't give it back in the next ten seconds I'll be glad to take it off you myself,' Shunsui murmured.

Nanao wasn't sure if it was the fever or her emotions but she was starting to feel a little hot. It would be easy to give it back; she was after all wearing clothes underneath. One part of her didn't really mind being helped out of clothes by Shunsui. It seemed, on the contrary, rather inviting.

Nanao quickly locked this part of her into the deepest recesses of her mind, throwing away the key.

'Nanao-chan I'm afraid to inform you that ten seconds are up,' here captain announced. Nanao didn't think he looked very afraid at all, he did look happy though. Like a small boy in a candy store.

Nanao didn't want to be his candy just yet.

He came towards her, and using her skills of improvisation she batted him away with the telephone directory. He crumpled onto the bed.

'Waaah, Nanao-chan, how could you?' he whimpered.

She wasn't really sure; all she knew was that this situation was going downhill, fast. She stepped out of his haori and threw it at him. She immediately missed its warmth. Shunsui picked up on this.

He held it up, 'You could try and take it off me,' he said a gleam in his eye.

Nanao pushed up her glasses.

'No thank you.'

----

Byakuya wasn't very happy. His cold made him sneeze. Sneezing, he thought, made him make inappropriate noises but Hisana told him that she thought it was very cute when sneezed.

As well as this he found that he couldn't even kiss his wife good morning.

Hisana put a hand over his mouth. She smiled sweetly at him.

'You're gonna give me your germs,' she teased, 'and your nose is cold.'

Byakuya frowned. He touched his nose gingerly. It seemed ok to him. As for the germs, well, he couldn't really do anything about them.

Byakuya didn't like having a cold. It made him feel undignified.

----

When Byakuya left the kitchen, Ichigo immediately entered. It was as if he had been waiting for the older man to leave. He headed straight for the table where a stack if toast had already been made. He sat at the table and reached for the first one.

Zaraki swatted his hand away. 'They're not for you,' he said in a gruff voice.

'Who eats this much toast?' Ichigo asked.

There was a snuffling at his feet. He looked down to see the porcupine scratching at his chair.

'You're in his seat,' Yachiru grumbled from the other side of the table. Ichigo got up and fetched the cereal boxes.

They were empty. Ichigo groaned. Great, he thought, Byakuya left the room and I can't even get breakfast.

'Who's eaten the cereal?' he asked, resignedly.

'Everyone,' Second answered who was digging through last night's leftovers.

'You could have some of my museli,' First offered, 'They have added prunes in them.'

'No thanks,' Ichigo muttered and went to the fruit bowl which was also empty.

'Prunes make you go loo,' Renji muttered, he had woken especially early just to make sure he would get something to eat.

'I found some eggs,' Third shouted happily, and dragged the carton out of the fridge.

Ikkaku stared at them, 'Aren't you going to cook them?' he asked.

Second and First glanced up sharply, 'He's not cooking anything; he's a disaster in the kitchen.'

Third pouted, 'They exaggerate sometimes,' he said.

'Setting a kitchen on fire isn't exaggerating,' First muttered, flicking the pages of the newspaper.

A cursory glance at the fridge told Ichigo that they had enough food to make a sizeable omelette. He frowned.

'Why is all the meat gone?' he asked.

'Don't look at me,' Second said, 'I haven't had any today...I didn't think we had any left.'

Ichigo turned to Zaraki. 'Did you eat it?'

Zaraki looked at him, 'No.'

'You going to explain any further?' Ichigo asked.

'No.'

Ichigo wondered who could have eaten it.

Hisana wanted to tell them but she didn't think Byakuya would appreciate this information being revealed.

His stomach rumbled, 'Ok we have enough food to make an omelette, anyone wanna help me cut vegetables?'

Zaraki made a face, 'Vegetables?'

'Yes, vegetables,' Ichigo said slowly. Zaraki came to inspected the vegetables, he stared at a carrot, it withered away and died.

'They don't look very nice,' he said, poking the now deceased carrot.

'That's cause you...you...' Ichigo couldn't think of a scientific reason why the carrot had just withered when Zaraki came close to it. Must have been scared, he thought.

Ikkaku drew his zanpaktou and sliced the vegetables neatly into small cubes. Renji not to be outdone had a go to. His ones turned to mush. Ichigo cracked eggs into a bowl; Ikkaku winced as the perfect shells were smashed. He touched his head tenderly.

He and Renji sat back down. Momo, having found some things in a cupboard started to make some soup, Rukia had found a packet of popping corn. She turned to Ichigo.

'How do you make this?' she asked him.

Ichigo looked at her, 'You have to put it in the microwave, do you really want that for breakfast?' he asked.

'I don't know, I haven't had it before,' she said helpfully. Ichigo placed the packet in the microwave and set the time. After a while it started to make popping sounds and the bag expanded.

The group of shinigami gathered around the small window on the microwave door.

'That's amazing,' Kira said, blinking every time there was a popping sound.

The microwave beeped and Ichigo emptied the bag into a bowl.

'Enjoy,' he muttered, turning back to his omelette.

Everyone simultaneously reached for some popcorn. Zaraki swept them away with a movement of his arm and sniffed the bowl.

He took a handful and went back to the table where his porcupine was waiting.

The food was served and everyone was soon filled. Byakuya returned and noticed the empty dishes. He wasn't hungry but looked at Ichigo.

Ichigo mumbled something and left the room.

When he was gone Hisana let out a sigh, 'You just like being mean to him don't you?' she said.

Byakuya didn't reply but smiled inwardly. His cold restricted him from doing certain things but scaring a certain Kurosaki was, thankfully, not affected by this.

----

The group had decided that they would visit a temple, since they hadn't been in a while and New Year's Day had just gone by. Rukia and Ichigo said they didn't want to come since Ichigo had to go grocery shopping, the clones said they would join them later in an attempt to enjoy the house when they had it to themselves. They met Shunsui and Nanao a couple of streets away.

'Why are they looking at us,' Shunsui whispered to her.

'Maybe it's because you told them I had morning sickness,' Nanao replied.

'Forgot about that,' Shunsui mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.

'Why do we have to go to a temple,' Ikkaku whined.

'Probably because they want to celebrate new life,' Yumichika said.

Nanao frowned, 'I'm not pregnant.'

'Really?' Matsumoto said, she had already started buying baby clothes.

'Yes, yesterday I just got food poisoning,' she explained.

'I see...' Matsumoto said, a little put out.

The group moved on and they stopped at the foot of the temple.

Someone was waiting for them at the steps. It was Mayuri.

Renji walked up to him, 'Sow which one are you?' he asked, in reference to the clones. Mayuri had decided to go incognito and was wearing a normal gigai, which basically meant he looked like the clones with only a few exceptions, namely the scars on his face.

'Why you! I should cut off your reproductive organs for your insolence,' Mayuri snapped, who thought it was highly insulting to be taken for one of the clones.

Renji backed away. The rest of the shinigami came to greet him.

'Why are you here?' Ikkaku asked.

'I heard you were going to a temple so I thought I'd join you,' Mayuri explained. This drew blank stares, Mayuri didn't look or act like the sort of person who liked going to temples.

'Yeah, you don't strike me as the holy type,' Yumichika muttered.

'Doesn't matter, I also came to tell you all the latest news and stuff,' Mayuri said.

'Anything interesting or important happen?' Toushiro asked.

'Not really, I guess if you call Unohana being ill, than yeah, important,' Mayuri mumbled, he didn't know why he was lying; all he knew was that Jushiro had asked him to say this.

Zaraki pushed to the front of the crowd and grabbed the end of Mayuri's shirt.

'Of course it's important! What's wrong with her?' he growled angrily.

Shunsui noticed this, maybe it wasn't a school boy crush after all.

He patted Zaraki on the back. 'Calm down, getting angry at Mayuri won't make things better.'

'Normally it does,' Zaraki muttered, letting go of the captain.

'Matsumoto was reading a notice board.

'Hey, there's a fair going on and in the evening there will be fireworks,' she said.

'Sounds fun,' Momo said. Kira agreed.

'Guess that's today sorted out,' Hisagi said who had already started climbing the steps. The rest left leaving Mayuri behind, he looked up at the temple. How long had it been since he had last visited? He could not remember. It had been too long. He dismissed the memories and hurried to reach the others.

After paying their respects the soul reaper group spread out through the fair visiting stalls and eating various snacks.

Renji came across a fortune telling stall.

'Wanna have a go?' Kira asked.

Renji drew a piece of paper.

He read it, his eyes widened:

_YOU HAVE THE WORST LUCK_

_BEWARE YOUR ANGRY SUPERIOR_

_AVOID DOGS AND BIRDS_

_YOUR REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS ARE IN DANGER_

_AS WELL AS THIS YOUR LOVE WILL BE UNREQUITED_

Kira laughed, 'Wow, you have it bad.'

Renji frowned, 'Gah! I don't believe in these things, I mean, I don't love anyone,' he argued.

Kira thought over this, 'I'm not so sure, but the rest of it sounded accurate.'

'Why don't you have a go then?' Renji suggested hotly.

Kira drew a fortune:

_GOOD LUCK__ IS UPON YOU_

_THE ONE WHO HAUNTS IS NO LONGER TROUBLING YOU_

_YOU WILL SOON BE LOVED BY ANOTHER_

_YOU ARE__ BLESSED WITH STRONG BONES_

Renji read the piece of paper, 'Strong bones? What's that supposed to mean?'

'I don't know, but I am going to be loved!' Kira said excitedly. Renji muttered something and stalked away, stepping in dog poop. Kira caught up with him.

'Hey, that thing said avoid dogs...creepy...these things actually are true,' he said amazed, Renji wasn't so impressed and sat under a tree and was promptly pooped on by a bird. It missed Kira narrowly.

Yachiru walked up to the fortune stall, she had been walking with Zaraki and the porcupine. She was annoyed. She wasn't meant to be walking, she was meant to be sitting on his shoulder, Ken-chan was hers and she didn't share things.

She took one of scrolls of paper:

_POOR LUCK_

_YOU HAVE BEEN REJECTED BY THE ONE CLOSEST TO YOU IN FAVOUR OF ANOTHER_

_YOUR TEETH WILL CAUSE YOU PROBLEMS _

_AVOID SWEET FOODS AND POINTY THINGS_

Yachiru scrunched up the paper and threw it over her shoulder. She glared at the porcupine accusingly and stuck her tongue out at it, it seemed not to notice and nor did Zaraki for that matter and he soon moved on, not even noticing Yachiru wasn't following.

She watched him go.

Yachiru had never thought she'd be the one to cry. She never thought she would cry for something as trivial as this but she really hated that animal. It had taken her Ken-chan away.

Her small fists clenched and her eyes narrowed, a fat tear slid down her face.

This was the time for pay back.

---

Shunsui and Nanao had been walking for some time.

They too had come across the fortune stall and Nanao was a bit disturbed about her one:

_VERY LUCKY_

_HOWEVER __RULES__ WILL BE BROKEN_

_YOUR LOVE LIFE IS NOW BLOOMING_

_A DAY OF DREAMS AND DESIRES LAY AHEAD OF YOU_

Nanao didn't know what to make of this and hastily tucked it away before Shunsui could ask about it.

He wasn't going to ask about it though since he was caught up in his own fortune.

_LUCKIEST OF THEM ALL_

_IF YOU TAKE A CHANCE IT WILL BE REWARDED_

_NOTHING TODAY WILL GO WRONG FOR YOU_

Shunsui being Shunsui was too busy trying to think of daring acts he could do than worry about Nanao's fortune. He had already thought of a good one, now all he had to do was wait for the right moment.

----

Hisana had gone off with the others. Or so Byakuya thought.

He was wrong; she was in fact looking for Mayuri.

She saw him walking through the crowd and called to him. He turned and looked a little surprised to see her.

'What do you want?' he asked.

'Umm, I wanted to ask you something,' she explained. They moved to the side of the path and found an empty bench.

'What did you want to ask?' he said.

'When will I die?' Hisana asked. Mayuri looked at her, the suddenness of the question made him stall for a moment. Did it really mean that much to her?

'You have been brought back to life under the pretence that you never contracted your illness and so should live for quite a long time,' Mayuri explained.

'That didn't answer the question,' Hisana murmured. For a while they watched people pass them.

'When he dies so will you,' Mayuri said quietly.

Hisana frowned, 'I don't get it.'

Mayuri turned to her his gold eyes intense. 'When he dies so will you, you will never have to see his grave and he won't have to bury you again.'

'You can actually do that?'

Mayuri smiled, 'I'm a scientist, a very good one at that, I can do whatever I want.'

'If he lived forever...'

'So would you.' Mayuri said flatly. He could have sworn that she looked a little happier at this prospect.

'He won't live forever,' he said.

Hisana gave him a blank look, 'I know that, it was just that before I guess I couldn't find my place because I wasn't meant to be alive.'

'It is irrelevant,' Mayuri said, 'you are alive and that's all that matters, you used to be dead, now you're not. Think of yourself as a new person, forget the past, it serves no purpose.'

They were silent. Hisana pondered over this, Mayuri sounded as if he was talking more about himself than her.

'Why did you do that?' she wondered out loud.

'What?' Mayuri asked.

'Why did you do that, so that we'd die together,' Hisana asked.

Mayuri didn't answer. To be honest he wasn't really sure. He guessed it just happened. He didn't care, he wasn't involved in this.

Finally he spoke.

'I did it to make sure that the task would be carried out properly and it was...easier.'

Hisana had the feeling this wasn't the whole of it.

----

Toushiro mumbled something under his breath. Somehow he had managed to join a group consisting of Matsumoto, Nemu, Hisagi and Momo. He guessed he was there to look out for Momo.

'It's such a nice day,' Matsumoto mused.

Hisagi agreed, 'Yeah, come to think of it I haven't visited a temple since before the whole Aizen thing.'

Momo stopped, Toushiro looked up.

'Oh, dammit, sorry Momo I didn't mean to bring him up,' Hisagi mumbled.

Her face was dark for a moment and then she looked up.

'Don't talk to me about that bastard,' she said angrily.

The three of them stared at her.

'Momo?' Hitsugaya asked cautiously.

'Aizen was a total sleaze ball...gosh...I can't believe I idolised that man,' Momo lamented.

Matsumoto looked shocked, when had the sweet mild-mannered Momo called anyone a bastard or a sleaze ball?

'Are you ok Momo? What's gotten into you?' she asked her friend.

'A bloody good anti-depressant,' Momo explained.

Toushiro and Hisagi exchanged glances. 'Ummm where did you get those?' Toushiro asked.

'I go to a therapist and she really opened open my eyes,' Momo said, her pupils looked dilated.

'Yes she really did,' Matsumoto muttered, 'Maybe you should tone down on the meds.'

'I like them,' Momo said defiantly.

Toushiro looked at Momo, he was sure it wasn't just the meds. Was it too much to hope for? Had she really got better?

Yachiru crept up behind him.

'Shiro-chan! Why do you look so surprised is it because you want Momo to stay drugged so you can have your child-prodigy way with her,' she asked.

'No!' he shouted hotly and swatted the small girl away.

Matsumoto and Hisagi looked at each other, 'I think Yachiru has a point,' Matsumoto said.

'I agree,' Hisagi replied.

----

Byakuya for the moment was not a happy man. His nose was red and he had to sniff. Sniffing was not noble.

Renji bumped into him.

'Oh, taichou, sorry, I didn't see you there,' Renji said. Kira caught up with him.

Byakuya glared at him, Renji took a step backwards.

'The fortune thingy said beware of your superior,' Kira whispered to him.

Byakuya sniffed. The two lieutenants looked at the great captain.

'Err taichou, do you need a tissue?' Renji asked carefully.

Byakuya walked away.

---

Yachiru was ready. She saw Zaraki and the 'enemy' perched on his shoulder round the corner.

She was lying on the canvas roofs of the stalls. Zaraki passed the stall.

Yachiru jumped...

...and landed on the porcupine that saw her coming and raised its spikes. Yachiru squealed and she was impaled by hundreds of tiny spires, she fell onto the rough path with a few needles sticking out of her. Zaraki turned and saw her.

'What were you trying to do?' he asked her. People were now watching.

'I think that girl tried to jump on her dad...' someone said.

'Yeah, but she landed on the spiky thing on his back...' another person added.

'Are they even allowed here?' someone else asked.

'I was trying to jump on you!' Yachiru said, tears in her eyes. She sucked a finger where she had just pulled out one of the many spines she had received from the porcupine.

Zaraki frowned, 'Why do you have all these spikes in you?'

'The porcupine gave them to me,' she said pointing at it.

'He wouldn't do something like that, Yachiru, I never brought you up to accuse people who aren't guilty,' Zaraki said.

Yachiru was on the verge of bawling, 'You don't even notice me anymore and you don't care about me! You only care about your new friend.'

People cheered for her and Yachiru could have sworn she saw the porcupine stick its small tongue out at her.

'Yachiru stop being silly, this porcupine wouldn't hurt a fly. If you're so jealous than go play with someone else,' Zaraki dismissed her and turned away.

Yachiru cried.

----

It wasn't till some time after that she was found by Ikkaku and Yumichika. They stared wide-eyed at their lieutenant who was kicking at the floor with her small feet.

'What's the matter?' Yumichika asked in his best motherly tone. Yachiru looked at him with red eyes. The two men were surprised that Yachiru had actually been crying. She had never done that before.

'Ken-chan is being mean,' Yachiru mumbled. 'He doesn't like me anymore, he only like his new pet.'

'Awww, don't worry, here have some candy,' Yumichika suggested, offering a Dime bar to Yachiru.

She ripped the wrapping off and chomped hard on the chocolate. Suddenly she froze, her face went pale and she fell back.

'Oh my god! You killed her, what sort of candy was that?' Ikkaku asked, warily eyeing the body of their lieutenant.

Yachiru sat up.

'Gah...it's a zombie!' Ikkaku shouted, 'Bash its head off!'

Yachiru had tears in her eyes again.

Unohana came up to them. Ikkaku's and Yumichika's eyes widened.

'Err...taichou, aren't you mean to be ill?' Ikkaku asked.

'No, not at all, I came because I had some time off.'

She turned to Yachiru. 'Open wide,' she said.

Yachiru did, Unohana smiled. 'You have a cavity, you should avoid all those sweets.'

Yachiru remembered her fortune, 'Ken-chan is being mean,' she cried.

Unohana looked thoughtful for a moment, 'Why would he do that? He loves you,' she said simply.

'He has a new pet and doesn't spend any time with me,' she replied.

'I see, let's have a word with him shall we?' Unohana said and picked the small child up.

Ikkaku and Yumichika watched the two ladies leave.

'I think she has a better motherly tone than you,' Ikkaku said.

Yumichika pouted.

----

It did not take long for Unohana and Yachiru to find Zaraki, as well as having a porcupine on his back he was well over six feet tall.

'Zaraki-taichou,' Unohana called.

Zaraki froze then turned, Yachiru thought he looked so soppy when he turned around he could have had love hearts in his eyes. He quickly regained his usual manner.

'Uh...weren't you meant to be ill?' he asked gruffly.

Unohana frowned for a moment, 'That's just what Ikkaku and Yumichika asked,' she pondered.

'Mayuri said you were ill and we all assumed he was telling the truth,' Zaraki said, feeling stupider as the seconds passed.

'It is not in Mayuri to lie about such things, I think he was probably misinformed,' Unohana said.

'That swine Mayuri...' Zaraki muttered to himself.

'Anyways, I came to talk to you for a moment,' Unohana explained.

'You did? I mean you came to talk to me?' Zaraki asked surprised.

'Yes, it's about this new friend of yours,' she went on. 'I think that you should take it back to the zoo.'

'Why?' Zaraki replied, 'he's my friend, we have memories together.'

Unohana told Yachiru to go and sit away from them. Zaraki had the feeling this was getting serious.

She turned to him, 'Zaraki, you seem to be neglecting your lieutenant. She is very upset; she thinks that you don't love her anymore.'

Zaraki didn't think love was the right word, love would have been better to describe other feelings he had for someone. 'That's not true,' he said, 'I can do what I want.'

Unohana thought he sounded like a petulant child. 'Zaraki Kenpachi, I am telling you now if you don't get rid of that creature than you will lose your lieutenant forever.'

Zaraki straightened up, 'Yes ma'am.'

Unohana's smile softened, Zaraki gulped. 'I'm sure you can remember when you first met, you wouldn't want to lose those would you?' she asked.

Zaraki shuffled his feet and took the porcupine from his shoulder and released him. It snorted and wandered off.

Unohana patted him on the cheek, 'Trust me Zaraki-san things will start to look up,'

'Heh heh,' Zaraki laughed nervously.

Yachiru rejoined them and proudly took her place on Zaraki's shoulders. Her cavity forgotten she hugged her Ken-chan for all it was worth.

Unohana smiled and said, 'I have never been to one of these fairs before would you care to accompany me?' she asked them.

Yachiru gave her a sly smile, 'Yes we would love to, wouldn't we Ken-chan.'

Ken-chan muttered something inaudible and stared at the floor.

They walked away together.

----

Since it was winter, by mid-afternoon the sun had started to set, the pathways got darker and one by one small paper lanterns and lights flickered to life.

People made their way to a grassy hill where the fireworks were going to take place.

Mayuri stood at the top of the hill, alone.

'Took you long enough to get here,' someone said next to him. He turned. First was standing there, watching the dark sky intently.

'Yeah, I was starting to think that you didn't care anymore,' another voice said behind him.

Mayuri looked to see Second staring back at him. He frowned.

'Where's the other one?' Mayuri asked.

'We don't know, he's probably looking for food or something,' First answered.

Mayuri wasn't sure if he should be glad for this, he wasn't sure if he could have a straight conversation with Third.

'Where's Nemu?' Mayuri asked.

Second would have been damned if he thought he heard a small amount of concern in his creator's voice.

'I think she was with the others,' Second said.

'No, she's here with me!' Third shouted, he and Nemu were making their way towards them. Mayuri groaned.

'My dear Mayuri, how have you been?' Third asked throwing his arms around him. Mayuri stiffened. He did not get hugged. It was one of those things. It was like being vegetarian, except it was about hugs.

Third, as if sensing this, let go and Nemu gave him one of her rare smiles.

'Good evening Mayuri-sama,' she said respectfully.

Mayuri turned away muttering something that sounded suspiciously to Third something like 'I thought I said you could call me Mayuri...'

'Oh gosh, Mayuri. Tut tut. Having bad thoughts about your own daughter, you pervert,' Third scolded. Mayuri gritted his teeth and Second whacked Third on the head.

'Thank you,' Mayuri muttered.

'No problem,' Second replied.

The fireworks started. All five of them turned their gazes to the heavens.

----

Zaraki broke into a sweat. Yachiru was sitting some distance away on the hill and Unohana and him were sitting next to each other.

Their shoulders touched for a moment and she leant on him. Zaraki mumbled a quick prayer. _Give me strength..._

'I never realised it would be so cold,' Unohana remarked.

Zaraki tentatively stretched his arm and very slowly put it around the other captain's shoulders.

Unohana smiled.

----

Kira was slightly put out, his fortune had been pretty good yet not all of it had come true. Renji laughed when he voiced his feelings.

They were now both standing on the hill waiting for the fireworks to start.

Then Kira heard it. It was something like snorting and snuffling crossed together. He looked around but couldn't locate the source of the strange sound.

'Can you hear that?' he asked Renji.

'Yeah, it sounds like it's coming from above us.'

They looked up, nearby was a tall tree, on one of the branches hanging precariously on a thin branch was the porcupine.

Kira gasped, 'Oh my god! Renji we have to save that poor animal.'

'No we don't, he keeps eating all the breakfast stuff,' Renji complained. Kira ran off, Renji sighed and ran after him.

Kira started to climb the tree. Eventually he reached the level of the creature. It looked at him.

'I'm going to save you, ok?' Kira said. The porcupine looked at him and tried to shuffle closer.

It slipped and fell. Kira launched himself after it.

They landed with a bone-jarring thud. Renji winced.

'Are you ok?' he asked.

Kira lay on his back the porcupine curled on top of him.

'I think so...' he answered, 'Maybe this is what it meant by strong bones,' he said as he sat up and brushed himself off.

'You mean you're not hurt?' Renji asked incredulously.

'Seems like it.' Kira looked down; the porcupine was rubbing itself against his leg.

'It didn't say you were going to be loved by a human,' Renji laughed.

----

Hisana was nearly out of breath, she had been searching for Byakuya almost all day. Her outlook on life had been greatly improved by the talk with Mayuri.

Finally she saw him. He was standing under a tree leaning on the trunk, his eyes were closed. She made her way towards him.

Renji stopped her. 'Be careful,' he warned, 'he isn't in a very good mood.' Kira nodded vehemently beside him.

Hisana looked at them both, they moved out of the way.

When she reached Byakuya she slipped her hand inside his. An eye opened and he noticed.

'You seem happier,' he said quietly, sniffing as he did so.

Hisana gave him a bright smile, 'A little birdie tells me that you're not and I wonder what I can do to help.'

Byakuya raised an eyebrow, inviting Hisana to try her hardest.

She took his face in her hands and kissed him.

'I thought my nose was cold and you didn't want my germs,' he said.

'I thought about it and it occurred to me that I don't really care,' she replied and kissed him again.

----

Matsumoto had split from the rest of her group and was standing alone near the bottom of the hill.

Her mind flashed back to Christmas, the party, it seemed like a lifetime ago.

It also didn't change the fact that she missed him. Being alone made it worse.

Suddenly someone covered her eyes from behind. Her breath caught. A familiar smell. A familiar feeling.

'Can ya' guess who it is?' he asked.

----

Nanao and Shunsui were sitting next to each other.

They were both quiet.

Their hands touched. Shunsui expected Nanao to move hers away and when she didn't he thought that he might make his fortune come true.

He turned to her; she was watching the fireworks with interest. He leant over her.

'Nanao-chan,' he whispered.

His lieutenant looked at him and she suddenly realised how close they were.

'Y-y-yes,' she stammered unable to explain where had stutter had come from.

There was a large boom and a huge mushroom shape exploded across the sky. She was momentarily distracted. He inched closer.

'Nanao-chan look at me,' he said.

She did and was thrown off for a minute because at that moment in the semi-darkness he looked pretty irresistible.

'W-what is it?' she asked, unaware that she was actually whispering.

'What if, what if for one night there were no rules, no regulations?' Shunsui asked.

Nanao blinked: no rules? Who could think of something so chaotic? The softer part broke out of it's prison and she was now thinking that if there were no rules she'd be all over him.

She frowned. She could have sworn that there were rules about them being so close and regulations about there being no rules.

She was going to say something, when Shunsui put a finger to her lips.

Oh dear, she thought.

'Nanao-chan, for one night forget the rule book and follow your heart,' he said.

They were so close. Alarm bells went off in her head. She turned them off.

His chest was against hers. Her heart was beating so fast that she could have sworn that her EEG would be showing heart attack signs. It was funny really, his heart was beating slow and steady, she could feel it. Her breaths became deeper.

Shunsui put his arms around her.

Nanao shut her eyes and under the firework-filled sky, Shunsui kissed her.

She did not stop him.

* * *

**Woah****! Rhea did not expect herself to go on for so long.**** I also wasn't planning so much mush...**

**The cavity I have to admit was ****Ouran**** inspired...Rhea loves ****Ouran**

**Thanks to Hearii who suggested the phone book weapon!**

**I'm sorry I was meant to update yesterday but I went to a person's house and couldn't finish it. Sorry. So I decided to treat you with an extra long chapter which is over 5500 words...I think that's longer than the one about the zoo...gosh...amazing...**

**Byakuya eats raw meat...****yuppy****...his cooks leave out a plate of raw meat every night, they think a stray is eating it...it's actually Byakuya coming down for his midnight snack...**

**Also Rhea would like you all to know that she wouldn't mind if Byakuya had Bird Flu or the most contagious disease ever...****heh ****heh**** if you know what I mean...****haha**** I jest...**

**On the topic of vegetables, I really hate aubergines...they are nastiness and have no purpose...and tomatoes...I hate them...unless they are in a sauce e.g. ketchup. Ketchup is goodness in a handy bottle thingy...**

**Rhea loves Dime bars...**

**And so a poem...**

**There was a fish called ****Tod  
****Who came from the species Cod  
****He liked to read mush  
****A****s much as he did slush  
****So I refrained from eating him  
****And to freedom he did swim.**

**That had nothing to do with reviewing, but more like being nice to animals...****My poetry is getting worse and worse...gosh...I need to take lessons...**

**Well have a nice day and as my maths teacher likes to say...be safe!**


	42. Morning After

**Good Afternoon!**

**Gah! I'm back.**

**I watched the bleach OVA-the one about the crazy man who killed people- and the best thing about it was the end credits where it was like all the lieutenants and captains in the real world...it was very good...especially with Shunsui having all these women hanging and sitting on him and then Nanao comes pours water over his head.**

**The best bit was when Byakuya came out of a horse drawn carriage wearing like a top hat and posh clothes...****Gah**

**Gin is mighty edible and apparently goes well with blue cheese but I prefer him with strawberry jam...I can't seem to find him though rose has probably locked him in her cupboard again...she always does that...keeps him to herself...****gah**** no fair..**

**I am totally not ill now so Nanao will be back to normal...no more fun for her...but there are still three nights left for her so I might change my mind about this.

* * *

**

Chapter 41

Nanao's neck hurt. There was something hard underneath her. She was also very cold.

She opened her eyes.

She had slept in the bath again.

Nanao sighed.

Shunsui mumbled something in his sleep and waved his arm about. Nanao was not next to him. He frowned and opened his eyes. His head hurt. He went back to sleep.

Last night was a blur and Nanao struggled to remember what happened. The Kiss. That's all that she could think of. The rest of the night had gone badly after that. It came back to her slowly; after he had kissed her and the fireworks ended they met up with everyone else. Shunsui and some of the others had found a restaurant and found it amusing to drink copious amounts of alcohol. On their way to the hotel Shunsui had been dunk as skunk and upon arriving at their room she didn't think it was safe for her to be in the same bed as him.

Nanao sat up, sleeping in the bath was not comfortable, if Shunsui was still asleep she might be able to use the bed safely. She crept out into the room. Indeed Shunsui was still asleep but he was also snoring loudly. Nanao frowned and decided to forget trying to get some sleep, she showered and got dressed. When she left the bathroom she sat on the edge of the bed. Nanao wondered why she felt so tired. Surely it would be ok if she shut her eyes for a few minutes. Even Shunsui couldn't try something in that amount of time. She lay her head on a pillow and fell asleep.

An hour later Shunsui woke up to find Nanao fully dressed but asleep next to him. He lifted his head, and quickly wished he hadn't, this was probably one of the worst hangovers he'd ever had and that was saying something. He tried hard to remember what had happened last night and it was then that he realised he was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. He groaned, he remembered now. He had gotten drunk along with most of the male lieutenants. He staggered with the help of Nanao to their room and he collapsed onto the bed.

He could feel something in his pocket. He pulled it out and read the fortune ticket he had picked up the day before. He read the last line and laughed. 'Nothing will go wrong for you today,' he murmured, he crumpled the paper in his hand and threw it at the bin. It missed.

Shunsui turned to Nanao. When sleeping she looked rather peaceful. Well, he thought, the night wasn't a total waste. He had kissed her, which had to mean something. Surely Nanao would give him another chance.

He leant close to her, his lips a hair's breadth away from her cheek.

In her sleep Nanao thought she could smell stale liquor and swept the air above her with the telephone directory. The book connected with something and there was a dull thud.

She opened her eyes to see Shunsui holding his head to the pillow.

'Nanao-chan! That was harsh, awww, my head, it hurts,' he moaned.

'That's what you get for thinking I'd give you another chance' she replied.

Shunsui cried.

Nanao couldn't tell if it was fake or sincere and too be honest she didn't really care.

----

Byakuya woke up to a familiar sound, except this time it wasn't him making it.

Hisana sneezed again next to him. She reached for a tissue and blew her nose.

She sat up and sniffed. She was sort of wishing she hadn't kissed him last night.

Hisana turned to Byakuya who was silently laughing at her.

'What's so funny?' Hisana asked.

'Was it worth it?' he asked her. Hisana frowned; every kiss with him was worth it even if he had given her his cold. However what made things worse was that he had seemed to have fully recovered.

'Of course it was,' she said not really believing it herself. She waited for her morning kiss but Byakuya had other plans. He made to get out of bed.

'Hey, aren't you forgetting something?' Hisana asked.

Byakuya turned to her, 'Your nose is cold and you'll give me your germs.'

Hisana pouted and lent against the head-board of the bed. Byakuya saw this.

He leant close to her, she sniffed. 'Changed your mind?' she asked him.

'No.'

He kissed her neck instead.

Hisana felt the temperature rise considerably.

'You feel rather hot,' Byakuya observed, his forehead resting against hers.

She backed away, 'Y-yes, must be fever,' she mumbled. She knew that wasn't it and so did he.

He went to brush his teeth.

He took the heat with him.

----

Matsumoto opened her eyes.

Her mind settled on yesterday. Oh dear, she thought, It's going to take me a long time to get over this one.

----

'Gin.'

'Awww, dammit, you were always good at that game,' he said. Above them the fireworks continued; multi coloured sparks cascaded gracefully from the sky. She turned and looked at him.

'Why are you here?' she asked slowly. Gin brought his arms around her.

'I was thinking that Christmas was a long time ago,' he replied. Funny that, Matsumoto thought, she'd been thinking the same thing but there was something else, she could hear it in his voice.

'What's the real reason?' she whispered, she shut her eyes, head resting on his shoulder.

Gin gave a small laugh, 'Nothing I do ever gets past you.'

He sighed and went on, 'I don't know how it happened but one day I said your name and that's all it was. A name.'

Matsumoto opened her eyes; she gave him a piercing look. He continued, his voice quiet.

'Somewhere along the line I forgot your birthday, your form, your smile...' he trailed off and smiled, 'I even forgot what bra size you wear.'

Matsumoto thumped him on the chest with her hand, 'How could you forget something like that?' she scolded. His smile faded.

'And I thought to myself that I didn't want your name to just be a name. To me it is something more, so I decided to come back.'

'You promised that you wouldn't forget...what's stopping you from forgetting again,' she murmured

'I plan to do something memorable that I couldn't easily forget,' he said with a coy smile.

'Just how memorable do you want this to be?' Matsumoto asked raising an eyebrow.

He held her close, 'Well that depends...' he leant closer to her.

The final firework exploded above them. Matsumoto gasped and clapped her hands, 'Oh wow, did you see that?'

Gin was not pleased that her attention had been diverted from him. He pulled her towards him.

'That last one may have been pretty but it's nothing compared to you,' he said, kissing her cheek. Matsumoto frowned.

'Forgive me if I feel that was a little cheesy...' she replied patting him on the cheek. He grinned.

'How bad was it? In terms of cheese,' he asked her giving her for once a true smile. She thought about it for a moment.

'Hmmm, I'd have to say it came near the Camembert de Normandie,' she mused. Gin laughed.

'I don't know if that's good or bad, when did you become such a cheese connoisseur?' he asked.

'One day I got bored and took lessons from Byakuya-taichou, he really does know his cheeses,' Matsumoto answered. Gin thought about this, he couldn't really imagine the Kuchiki clan leader giving cheese tasting sessions. He quickly moved onto more pressing matters.

'Let us not tarry my dear, since tonight I have decided to make memories with you!' he declared. Matsumoto laughed at him.

'Ah, Gin, you make that sound very suggestive,' she remarked. His face was inches away from hers.

'I don't know what that means,' he breathed.

'It means that your comment was open to interpretation,' Matsumoto explained. Gin rested his forehead against. He looked into her eyes.

'Tell me, what did you interpret that comment as?' he asked.

'I haven't decided,' she said, truthfully.

'Let me help you,' he muttered and kissed her.

'Hmmm...please do,' she mumbled, kissing him back. For a moment they were lost in each other, he was not a traitor, she wasn't a cheese expert.

They were just two lovers caught up in the moment.

Her legs wobbled, she lost her balance and they toppled onto the grass.

The kiss broke leaving Matsumoto breathing hard as if she had just been winded.

'You breath any harder, you'll start to wheeze,' Gin panted.

'You're no better,' she laughed. He lent closer and their noses touched.

'Ah, yes, it seems that you that effect on me,' he whispered.

She groaned, 'Try to be a bit more original,' she advised him. He frowned.

'I give up,' he said and kissed her again.

Above them stars shone brightly.

She fell asleep in his arms.

He stayed with her till dawn and not once during that time did he doze off, he lay beside her and watched her sleep. The way her hair fell across her face, the steady movement of her chest as she breathed, even her snoring, he etched every single moment into his mind so that he would never forget them. This, he thought was how memories were made.

The sun started to rise. He sighed and covered her with his jacket.

Gin stood leaving a small package next to Matsumoto's sleeping body. It contained, probably, the only thing that had really tied him to the soul society.

He kissed her lips for the final time and walked away.

----

Matsumoto looked around her. The sun shone down on her. Her back was wet and there were dew-drops on the grass. She quickly slipped on the jacket he had left her. It was still warm.

Then she noticed the small package. She picked it up; she wasn't surprised to find it was quite light.

The string fell to the ground and she tore the paper away.

It fell away leaving a scrap of white material; she turned it over and this revealed the insignia from Gin's old captain's haori.

She ran a hand over the number. She wondered why he would leave her this. Did it mean that much to him?

There was a sudden gust of wind and Matsumoto shivered, realising that she had better return to the others. Her cell phone chirped and she fished it out of her pocket. A small icon of Toushiro appeared on the screen, there was a short text message beside it:

_Where are you?_

_Didn't see you all night, are you ok?_

_Do you need help?_

Matsumoto was barely paying attention but she somehow managed to reply and stood up. She noticed that she had tears on her cheek. She wiped them away with the small piece of cloth and she noticed that its scent was familiar.

She made her way to back to Urahara's shop.

----

Byakuya frowned.

Never had he had so much trouble wearing clothes, but this garment refused to be worn.

Apparently they were the height of today's fashion. The material was thick cotton and in his opinion too stiff to be of any comfort.

He finally managed to pull the jeans on. They were cold and he felt they restricted his movement. He found a clean shirt and had just about finished buttoning it when Hisana walked into the room.

She stopped in the doorway.

Hisana looked her husband up and down, consciously checking the corner of her mouth; just to make sure she wasn't drooling. His hair was damp from the shower and she thought that casual jeans were very becoming on him. A familiar feeling arose. It was the feeling of not being good enough. She hadn't felt that in some time. Oh dear, she thought, she repeated what Mayuri had said to her. She was a different person now, she was not in the past. This is a new start where feelings like being inadequate are not wanted.

'Something wrong?' he asked her as if noticing her sudden discomfort. She noticed he didn't look particularly happy but then again he never really did.

She shook her head and closed the door, 'I could ask you the same thing though,' she replied.

'These 'jeans'...' he confessed, 'They are too tight and stiff.'

Hisana was tempted to say it doesn't matter because you look pretty darn fit in them, but didn't.

'Well,' she reasoned, 'They are meant to be like that, it's called being fitted, if they were baggy we wouldn't be able to see your nice...ummm...legs.'

He raised an eyebrow but didn't reply. Instead he walked over to her.

'I think we're out of ice, would you mind going to get some?' he asked.

Her eyes narrowed, 'I just got back, are you trying to get rid of me?' she questioned.

'No I just want some ice,' Byakuya said, giving her one of his trademark impassive looks.

Hisana gave him a disbelieving look but went off in search of some ice.

When he was sure that she was out of earshot he picked up the phone.

The call was received immediately.

'I want to ask you something,' he said.

---

Kira and Renji had passed the day helping the YMCA group that they were staying at. Since it was afternoon and they had it off they decided to explore town. The porcupine came with them.

Renji looked at it, 'Why does it keep following you?' he asked Kira.

'I don't know, but I think it's really cute,' Kira replied. The porcupine rubbed itself against his leg and Kira patted it on the head.

'You two make me sick, it's creepy not cute,' Renji muttered turning away. The porcupine hissed at him.

'Aww, you're making him angry, you should apologise,' Kira warned. Renji stared, how could Kira possibly think that he would apologise to that animal?

They crossed the road, the creature obediently followed.

When they reached the other side Kira knelt beside his pet. 'Who's a good boy then?'

The porcupine thumped its small tail.

Renji thought this wasn't normal, 'Hey stop that, you're making us look like freaks.'

Kira held his porcupine protectively, 'No, he's mine and I can do whatever I want to him,' he said defensively.

'Fine, just to let you know, there's a five year jail sentence,' Renji advised.

Kira looked at him confused, 'For doing what?'

His friend sighed, 'If you do 'whatever' you want to the thing,' Renji explained.

Kira pouted, 'I still don't know what you mean, and don't call him a thing, he's a he,' Kira said adamantly.

Renji frowned, 'Wait..how do you know it's a guy?'

'I just assumed, I never really checked...'Kira explained.

The two men were silent and slowly swivelled their heads to where the porcupine was sitting.

'You wanna check?' Renji asked. Kira thought for a moment.

'Ok.'

They slowly crept up to the poor animal. Renji was thinking this was just wrong.

Kira quickly flipped the animal onto its back, it made a squeaking sound.

The two men quickly looked. 'There's nothing there,' Kira complained. This was the truth, the underbelly of the porcupine was covered in thick black fur.

'Maybe you have to dig deeper,' Renji suggested. Kira made a face.

'What's that going to achieve?' he asked. Renji glared at him, was he being dense on purpose?

'We might find 'something',' he explained. His companion gave him a blank look.

'What are you expecting to find?'

Renji sighed and slapped Kira round the back of the head. 'We might find man parts or something...'

'Man parts,' Kira repeated slowly. Realisation suddenly dawned on him.

'Ohhhhh, I finally get it,' he said. Renji looked doubtful.

'Really, then tell me,' he said.

Kira leaned in and whispered, 'You mean nipples, right?' He grinned nervously like a naughty school boy.

'NO! I don't. What's wrong with you? Everyone has those-' Renji shouted and whacked him on the head.

'They do? Well have you seen them on girls?' Kira asked, turning his porcupine over. Renji's face went red.

'N-no, I haven't...' he mumbled.

'Well how can you say everyone has them?' Kira accused.

Renji really didn't want to have this conversation, he had the feeling that Kira needed to rejoin school to be taught about the birds and the bees.

'Look it's a scientific fact! Just go to a library and look in the growing up section,' Renji yelled at him, people were starting to give them odd glances.

'I've had enough of this craziness, I'll see you later,' and with that Renji stomped off angrily.

Kira made a puppy-dog face after him, the porcupine butted him gently with its head. He looked at him.

'I don't what you are or what you did, you will always be my porcupine. I won't let people like Renji treat you badly,' Kira promised. The porcupine, as if understanding this bared its teeth into what could have resembled a smile.

They went off together, man and porcupine, in search of hot chocolate and guy-liner.

Kira skipped along, thinking that this was how memories were made.

----

Toushiro sighed. He didn't know how he had ended up here but here he was. The sun was setting and Matsumoto nudged the young captain with her elbow.

'Look there she is, why don't you wave?' she suggested while pointing to a crowd of people. In the middle stood Momo looking a little confused, she caught sight of them and smiled.

Toushiro felt his head spin. Matsumoto poked him. His arm twitched.

'There, I waved, happy now?' he said.

Matsumoto frowned, why was he being so difficult? She thought she was doing him a favour. Setting up this little date, she thought, was a masterpiece.

'Now remember, you take her to a movie and then to dinner, and bring her back by ten otherwise you'll have a bunch of women after you,' Matsumoto reminded him.

'You've told me this about ten times now,' he complained. Matsumoto sighed and before the reluctant boy could say anything more she pushed him in to the crowd. He made his way over to Momo.

'Hey, Shiro-chan!' Momo greeted him.

'It's Hitsug-' the words automatically spilled from his moth, he mumbled a hello and looked away.

'Where is Matsumoto, I thought she was coming too?' Momo asked craning her neck to see where the other woman was.

'Yeah, she couldn't come...she had uh constipation...' Toushiro quickly said. He cursed. He should have been able to do better than constipation. Momo's eyes widened.

'That sounds bad , maybe we should cancel,' she said.

'No, no, that's not necessary, Matsumoto said we should still go, she'll be ok,' he explained. He wondered why he had said that. He could have just got out of their little 'date'.

Momo gave him a bright smile, 'Ok then, where are we going first?'

'To the movies,' Hitsugaya answered and they set off. It seemed like it was going to be a good night. Toushiro was never one to be overly optimistic but somehow the short queue at the cinema and the cheap prices made him feel a little better. Things seemed to get even better when the cinema seemed pretty empty.

They found seats a few rows from the back and ate popcorn while adverts flashed across the screen. However, Toushiro soon found out they were not alone.

Yachiru popped up behind him, Momo didn't notice.

'Ohhh, Shiro-chan, you naughty boy, are you gonna try and make out with Momo in the dark?' she whispered to him. He grumbled something and turned around. Yachiru had disappeared but she had a point, there seemed to be one too many people making out in the auditorium. Momo didn't notice, she was watching the film intently.

She gasped when a huge plane filled the screen. 'Oh wow, Toushiro look at thing!' she said in awe. He smiled at her smiling, he hadn't seen it in so long.

Yachiru popped up again, 'Shiro-chan! What's with the dreamy eyes, you wanna go join the mile high club with Momo?'

Toushiro wasn't quite sure what the mile high club was but it didn't sound very appropriate. He tried to swat the young girl away before Momo heard. Wishful thinking.

'Toushiro what's the mile high club?' she whispered.

'Nothing,' he muttered back.

They watched the film for a while, then a thought struck him.

If Yachiru was here then Zaraki must be close by. He peered over the rest of empty seats and sure enough there was Zaraki sitting next to someone who looked suspiciously like Unohana.

At that moment there was a huge explosion on the screen and Momo grabbed his arm. He froze. Momo hadn't noticed that he was looking at her hand clamped to his. She was still watching the movie. He felt funny in a way he couldn't fully describe.

The credits came up and Momo removed her hand, the lights came on and her face had a faint blush on it. He wasn't sure if he was meant to be happy or not.

When he looked near the front he saw that Zaraki and Unohana had already left.

He waited outside the cinema for Momo, she had left for the bathroom, almost ten minutes ago. His eyes widened what if she had got constipation?

He hurried towards the building again, them he saw it.

A group of guys, who looked much older than him, were clustered around a small alley entrance next to the cinema.

He heard a voice. Her voice.

He rushed forwards.

'Hey!' he shouted.

The youths turned to him and Momo peered out from behind them.

'Can we help you, squirt?' one of them asked, looking down on him.

'Back off,' Toushiro said slowly.

The teenagers laughed, 'And why should we do that little man?'

One of them could have sworn that the boy's eyes had changed colour.

'Crap, check out that dudes eyes...' he murmured to his friends.

'Is he on drugs?' another asked.

Toushiro took a walked towards them, his spirit pressure rising with every step. The youths backed away.

One took a daring swipe at him with a metal bar. Toshiro easily dodged it and counter-punched the boy away. He flew into a heap of garbage, the others angered at this charged at him.

Momo watched in horror as her friend was attacked. Toushiro didn't bat an eyelid. He took them all on; he kicked one guy only to get punched by another. Until at last the last thug fell.

He was breathing heavily and leant against the wall. Momo rushed to him.

'Toushiro, I'm so sorry, look it's all my fault let me call some help-'

'No,' the words cut through hers like ice. 'I'm fine.'

There was a bruise on one eye and his lip was split. One of his knuckles were raw, Momo wrapped this in a clean handkerchief. He said nothing as she did this. She looked at his face and dabbed his lip with a tissue. He winced. She stopped.

'For some reason, I don't feel hungry anymore,' she said quietly. Toushiro looked at her giving her a faint smile.

'I'll walk you back to the place you're staying,' he suggested.

'Ok then,' she replied.

They emerged from the alleyway, it was dark and streetlamps lit the roads. Since it was evening there weren't so many people about, Toushiro gladly received the quietness.

'What are you going to tell everyone?' Momo asked him.

He thought about this for a moment.

'I'll tell everyone got constipation,' he joked.

'No one would believe that,' she smiled.

They stopped walking, they had arrived.

Their breaths were a cold mist in the air. Momo thought it looked very pretty.

Toushiro thought that he might kiss her on the cheek. He blinked. Woah! Where did that thought come from?

He was turning into Yachiru's dirty thoughts. Bad news for him.

Just then Matsumoto burst out of the door. There were a bunch of laughing women behind her.

'Awww, taichou, aren't you gonna kiss her? We were all waiting,' she whined, gesturing at the people behind her. Hey waved at the cute little boy and his girlfriend.

Momo blushed and looked away. Toushiro was still surprised over thinking he should kiss her. He moved into the light, Matsumoto and the other ladies gasped.

'Oh my god! What happened,' Matsumoto asked. Momo was about to speak when one of the ladies sprang forward.

'Was it your father?! The bastard! Has he been hitting you?' she shouted while shaking him from the shoulders.

'No, no ma'am,' Toushiro answered quickly.

A few of the other ladies pulled her back. 'Don't mind her dearie, she just gets over excited sometimes,' one of them explained.

They went back inside taking Momo with them, she waved goodbye.

'Oh Matsumoto how is your constipation?' Momo asked.

Rangiku blinked, 'My what?'

Toushiro nudged her, 'Ummm...it's going well...' she replied weakly.

Momo told her to get better and with a final wave she was gone.

'You told her I had constipation,' Matsumoto said angrily, 'that is the most disgusting thing ever!'

'It was the first thing that came to my mind!' Toushiro mumbled, his lip started to bleed again. Matsumoto made a motherly sound and pulled him close to her bosom. Toushiro found himself not minding being fawned over by beautiful women.

Oh dear, he thought, it was another Yachiru comment. Why was he starting to have these weird comments floating about his head?

Matsumoto patted him on the head.

'It's called growing up,' she said.

Toushiro blinked.

* * *

**Don't worry Toushiro isn't going to become a womaniser...yet...****heh****heh**

**Oh as for the constipation.****..well any of you who ha****ve suffered from it before...yeah you get the point...it's not pleasant.**

**Blimey, Rhea has exams coming up soon so...yeah...she can't update...which is sad...**

**I hope to get this holiday thing done before my exams start.**

**Rhea is all out of poems...she just finished the chapter and is too tired... sorry...**

**More Nanao and Shunsui next chapter.**

**Byakuya loves his cheese...just as much as he loves raw meat...**


	43. Professional Working Relationship

**Good Evening!**

**I want to apologise because I don't think the last chapter was very good, so this one, I hope is much better...**

**Gin apparently doesn't go with blue cheese...he goes well with custard...so that's ok...I**** heart****custard...but R****ose has got him in her attic...a place I can't easily get to since I am a short person...****but on the bright side...I know for sure he goes well with chocolate buttons...because everything goes well with chocolate buttons...even Elvis Aizen...**

**Darn it...****oh yeah.****..in this chap there is**** time shifting so be on your toes...**

**Rhea is in a bad mood, so ****Nanao will have no fun...****nuh**** uh...rhea missed Rose...this chap though was over 6000 words...get me...**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 42

Shunsui's eyes opened.

Next to him the bed was empty, he sighed and looked in the bath. There was no one there either. He looked down the plug hole and peeked under the toilet seat.

Nanao was not there. He checked in the bin, the cupboard and even had a quick look under the bed. She was not in any of those places either. He mumbled something to himself.

Where could she be?

Then he remembered.

----

_Yesterday_

Nanao thought she was doing pretty well. Shunsui was complaining and moaning about his head and she hadn't said one rude thing back to him. In fact she hadn't said anything to him, she was avoiding him. Shunsui could tell but didn't know why. Maybe it was because he was a drunk with loose morals.

Nanao didn't really know how she felt either, all she could feel right now was extreme frustration and annoyance. She caught herself wondering if she had wanted more than that kiss. Of course she had. Nanao told herself to stop denying it. It wasn't really working though, as well as deep irritation she felt a little betrayed and disappointed.

Nanao felt that their only chance had gone down the drain when Shunsui picked up the first bottle of sake. When were they ever going to have a day like that again? Her captain's behaviour only showed her that he wasn't serious about them. She was annoyed about this.

What made her even more angry was that her captain didn't even show the slightest hint of regret or remorse. He hadn't even apologised and so, she was giving him the silent treatment. She didn't care if it was childish; she just wanted to get back at him.

Shunsui mumbled something and flopped onto the bed, his head was killing him and he didn't feel in the right frame of mind for fighting. He was actually for once in a bad mood. This was a rarity in a man like Shunsui Kyoraku.

'Nanao-chan, what do you want for lunch?' he asked her, his voice hoarse.

Silence. He repeated the question.

No answer. An anger mark appeared on his forehead.

'Are you going to tell me what you want for lunch?'

Shunsui groaned and marched over to Nanao, who was flicking through a magazine.

He swivelled her around grabbed her shoulders. They were close now, faces inches away from each other.

'What is the matter with you!?' he shouted. 'Why are you being so...so...mean...?'

Nanao gave him a blank look. 'I don't know what you're on about.'

Shunsui gave a strangled yowl and clutched his head, 'Gah! You're giving me a headache; just tell me what I can do so we can carry on like normal.'

Nanao looked him in the eye, 'This is normal.'

It dawned on Shunsui that this was mostly true. Back in the Seireitei, he would spout nonsense and she wouldn't pay him any attention, she would quietly fill out forms and complete paperwork.

He took her face in his hands, 'Fine, but I want something more than normal. You make it so damn hard. I'm trying to show how much I damn care about-,'

Nanao put a finger over his lips, he stopped talking. 'You don't care about me, I do your paperwork, what we have and will always have is a professional working relationship. That's it.'

Shunsui looked at her, but Nanao's eyes were cold and hard.

Nanao found it hard to say those words, she thought that she might just burst into tears and all would be well again. No, she thought, she had to put an end to these crazy fantasies and dreams.

He detected her resolve and for the first time felt slightly hurt by the words, he didn't have enough fingers to count the amount of times that Nanao had said something similar, but there was something about this time, this situation, that made it sound that much harsher, and it dawned on him that she probably meant it.

'Fine then, I was beginning to think the same thing too,' he said, taking a step back.

'I'm glad that's sorted,' she replied.

Shunsui went to the door, 'You can get your own lunch,' he mumbled and left the room. The door slammed. Nanao winced at the sound. She could feel herself tearing up, she could have cracked and let the tears flow, but she didn't.

She took a deep breath. Somehow, she thought, things will get better.

When Shunsui returned to the room some time later, Nanao wasn't there.

----

Nanao walked through the city, not really paying attention to anything. More than once a car had horned at her because she had walked across a busy road when the traffic lights were green. The air was heavy and she could tell there was a storm coming. Thunder rumbled in the clouds and the atmosphere felt muggy, she walked on.

She bumped into someone.

It was Hisana.

'What are you doing here?' Nanao asked.

'I'm looking for ice,' Hisana explained, 'the machines at our hotel are broken.'

'Why do you need ice?'

Hisana frowned, 'I'm not really sure, to be honest, I think Byakuya is just trying to get rid of me.'

Nanao coughed, 'Why would he do that?'

'I don't know,' Hisana mumbled.

A small boy ran into them, he tumbled to the ground, scraped a palm and began to cry. Nanao gave him a stern look but Hisana crouched down and helped him up.

'Where does it hurt?' she asked him. He blubbered and showed her his palm which was bleeding. Nanao watched bemused as Hisana chatted to the boy cheerfully while cleaning the small cut.

The boy laughed at something she had said and Nanao was brought back to reality.

Raindrops fell from the sky, her glasses steamed up.

'Do you know why it rains?' Hisana asked boy, trying to take his mind of his cut. He shook his head.

Nanao was about to say it was because frozen water vapour in the clouds had melted but Hisana beat her to it.

'It rains because the sky is crying, it feels your sadness and cries, so you don't have to,' Hisana explained, the boy listened with awe. He sniffed, the tears stopped. Nanao frowned, how sentimental could you get? She'd like to think there was some truth in that though, the sky would cry for her because she refused to. The rain was just her unshed tears.

The boy's mother came running up to them, thanking them over and over again for looking after her son. Hisana smiled and ruffled the child's hair. Nanao gave him a half smile. He grinned back, his wound forgotten.

His troubles aren't as bad as mine, she thought to herself. The two left and Hisana turned to her.

'We should get out of the rain,' Hisana suggested.

'You have a way with children,' Nanao said as they took shelter in a train station.

'You think? I do have a younger sister, at one point I did look after her,' Hisana said, a hint of sadness in her voice.

You also gave that child away, Nanao thought. That must have been pretty bad.

'Well, what's your reason?' Hisana asked.

'Huh?' Nanao replied.

'I mean, why are you out here?' Hisana asked again.

'Oh, I guess I just walked out on Shunsui...we had an arguement...' Nanao explained.

Hisana clucked in sympathy, 'Do you know what you need?' she said.

Nanao gave her a blank look, 'What we need is Matsumoto and chocolate,' Hisana said brightly.

She took the other woman by the hand and literally dragged her through the streets, the smile never leaving her face.

'How can she be so happy?' Nanao wondered.

----

_Still yesterday_

Zaraki swallowed hard.

Yachiru who was hiding in a bush, poked him in the back with a stick.

Zaraki rubbed the back of his head.

'Uh...yes...why don't we get together...sometime...' Zaraki said.

Yumichika frowned, 'No, no, no, you're saying it all wrong.'

Zaraki grumbled something and shut his eyes for a moment.

Why was he standing here with Yumichika, Ikkaku and Yachiru, he'd never know. Somehow they had managed to set up a meeting between him and Unohana and then were trying to give him tips on how to talk to her.

'Don't act so gruff,' Ikkaku added.

Yachiru's small head popped out of the bush, 'And don't forget to say please and thank you!' she piped up.

'And remember to speak in full sentences and under no circumstances use bad language,' Yumichika warned.

Zaraki was trying to remember all these things and he felt as if he was failing, badly.

Ikkaku handed his captain a small earpiece, 'We'll be monitoring from a safe distance, if worse come to worse we'll tell you what to say.'

'Why are you experts on this?' Zaraki asked.

Yumichika looked offended, 'Gosh! I can't believe you just asked that. Questioning my authority, how dare you! I make it my business to know,' he explained.

'Your business...hold on...I've never seen you on a date before,' Ikkaku said. Yumichika frowned.

'That's not the point...the truth is I'm so beautiful that I have so many proposals that I don't know who to pick,' he explained, haughtily.

'That's just another way of saying you love yourself,' Yachiru said.

'Either that, or the proposals were from guys,' Ikkaku yawned, already bored.

'Enough!' Zaraki shouted at them, he was tired of their constant bickering. He was having trouble keeping up.

Unohana walked around the corner. Ikkaku and Yumichika ran to a safe spot, while Yachiru withdrew back into her bush. Zaraki straightened up and inserted the ear piece into his ear.

'_Wave to her,'_ Yumichika said.

Zaraki raised an arm. Unohana caught sight of him and made her way towards him.

'Zaraki-san,' she greeted.

Zaraki was silent. Yumichika and Ikkaku winced.

'_Say something_,' Ikkaku snapped

'Like what?' Zaraki muttered.

_'Say something about how she looks,' _Yumichika suggested.

'Hey, you look...ummm-,' he heard Yachiru munching on something in the bush, '...edible...'

Ikkaku cringed. Yumichika gasped. Did Kenpachi just call Unohana edible?

'_That's not what I meant, you were meant to say that she looked pretty or something...you sounded like you wanted to eat her!'_

_'Yeah, you don't want to scare her off.'_

Zaraki swore under his breath, he turned to Unohana giving her one of his maniacal smiles, the ones that were usually reserved for killing Ichigo.

Yumichika groaned, 'That's probably the worst sort of smile he could have given her.'

Ikkaku frowned, 'What I don't get is why she's still here. I mean Zaraki taichou is the scariest man alive.'

They hadn't realised that the microphone was still on.

Needless to say Zaraki was pretty angry.

'YOU INGRATES! WHADDYA MEAN THAT WAS THE WORST SMILE I COULD HAVE GIVEN HER, IT'S THE ONLY SMILE I'VE GOT!' he shouted, temporarily forgetting that Unohana was in front of him.

'_Ummm, Zaraki taichou...she's still in front of you...'_

_'And for your information...you have lots of different smiles...ranging from madman to medically insane...'_

Unohana coughed politely. Zaraki was silent for a moment.

'Oh, I was just...fighting...with the...uh...voices in my head...' Zaraki mumbled.

Unohana smiled at him, if she knew what was really happening she wasn't letting on. Ikkaku peered through the binoculars.

'Can you believe it? She's actually smiling at him,' he told Yumichika.

'Well, an uncle of mine once said that people like us for our qualities but love us for our defects,' Yumichika said in a far away sort of voice.

Ikkaku snorted, 'That's a load of rubbish, you don't even have an uncle.'

Yumichika pouted, 'That's not the point.'

There was an awkward silence between Zaraki and Unohana. He was pondering what Yumichika had just said and the only conclusion he could draw was that he was unaware that Yumichika even had an uncle.

Yachiru decided that she should intervene, for the sake of her Ken-chan's dignity. She popped out of the bush and sat on Zaraki's shoulder.

'What Ken-chan really wanted to say was that he thinks you look very pretty today!' Yachiru said brightly.

'I do?' Ken-chan whispered to her.

'Yes,' Yachiru said.

'Is that so?' Unohana asked. 'Well then please tell 'Ken-chan' that I appreciate the comment.'

Yachiru turned to Zaraki, 'Unohana says she appreciates-,'

'I'm right here, you don't need to repeat everything she says,' he said gruffly. He wasn't sure what it was but he felt at a disadvantage. There were too many x chromosomes present and not enough ys. Where were Ikkaku and Yumichika?

'Ken-chan is really shy and was also wondering if you would have dinner with him tomorrow evening,' Yachiru said.

'I do?' Zaraki asked, surprised at this new development. He was sure he hadn't been thinking that.

Yachiru carried on without listening to him. 'Just come to Ichigo's house at seven and as a special treat Ken-chan will cook for you.'

Zaraki wasn't enjoying this. When did he know how to cook? He didn't like this feeling, he felt the opposite of included. Rejected. It looked like he couldn't speak for himself.

On top of this Yachiru seemed to be making a lot of stuff up. Had she forgotten who she was talking about?

He took Yachiru by her collar and lobbed her over his shoulder. There was a squeal as she landed in a nearby fountain.

'Will she be ok?' Unohana asked, concerned.

'Yes,' Zaraki said gruffly, 'she's a strong and growing girl.'

'So is dinner still on?' Unohana asked.

'Uh yeah, it is,' Zaraki confirmed. Unohana gave him a bright smile.

'I never knew you could cook, Zaraki-san,' Unohana said.

Nor did I, Zaraki thought.

'Yeah, I can do lots of stuff...' he said. Zaraki cringed mentally, why on earth was he lying to impress this woman?

Unohana's phone rang; she picked it up and said a few words.

'It seems that out meeting has been cut short, I am sorry but I must go. I will see you tomorrow at seven,' Unohana explained.

'Yeah, sure,' Zaraki muttered.

She walked off.

Yumichika and Ikkaku walked up to him.

'I think that went rather well,' Yumichika commented.

Zaraki grabbed his throat. 'I can't cook!' he shouted.

'Don't worry, captain, I can...I'll give you some lessons,' Ikkaku said.

Zaraki, who was so surprised by this let go of Yumichika.

'You can cook?'

'Yes, I never told you lot but I have a catering company in the Soul Society,' he explained.

Zaraki didn't know what to think about this new revelation.

'But first we need to get you kitted out for this date,' Yumichika said.

'Does Ichigo know you're going to use his house?' Zaraki asked.

'Of course not, but he doesn't need to know,' Yumichika said brightly.

'You have to stop sounding so gruff,' Yachiru commented, she had returned from the fountain, soaking wet.

'Hmmm, but then he won't be manly,' Yumichika murmured to himself.

Zaraki looked up alarmed; somehow his manliness had got involved.

'Well, there are lots of people who don't have gruff voices and are still manly,' Yachiru said.

'Let's go visit one for advice,' Yumichika suggested.

----

_Still yesterday_

Byakuya opened the door to find Zaraki minus a Yachiru waiting for him.

'Can I help you?' he asked the other captain.

Zaraki looked at the cue cards that Yumichika had given him.

'Uh...yes...I need some advice...,' he explained.

Byakuya, who couldn't work out quite what was going on, stepped aside and let the captain in. Zaraki sat on the edge of one of the numerous sofas. Byakuya sat opposite him.

'Would you like some sort of refreshment?' he asked.

Zaraki flipped to another piece of card:  
_If you get offered a drink POLITELY accept.  
__Ask for tea, because it gives a better impression than alcohol.  
__This is good practise for your date and don't forget to say please and t__h__ank you._

'Yes, please, tea would be nice,' Zaraki mumbled. He would have preferred a strong liqueur.

Byakuya's eyes widened a fraction, when had he ever heard Zaraki Kenpachi say please?

He busied himself with making tea.

'So what can I help you with?' Byakuya asked setting a steaming cup of tea in front of Zaraki.

Zaraki decided to cut to the chase.

'You don't have a gruff voice yet you are still manly, how do you do this?' Zaraki read straight from the card.

Byakuya could not hold back his surprise. 'I'm sorry?' he said, fearing he may have misheard.

'Apparently, you don't have to have a gruff voice to be manly,' Zaraki muttered. 'I have a 'date' with Unohana taichou tomorrow evening and apparently I don't have any manners or the right voice and you do.'

Byakuya was stunned but sipped his tea to mask this.

'I'm not sure what you want me to say,' Byakuya said calmly, 'Zaraki we are different people, I am a noble and you are from the district eighty of Rukongai, there are bound to be differences between us. I don't see how you can change your voice and to be perfectly honest I do not see how your voice can govern your...manliness.'

Zaraki looked at him, 'I'm glad someone agrees, I don't understand why they made me come here,' Zaraki replied. He waved a hand but ended up spilling the cup of tea.

'Oh bugger, sorry.'

Byakuya raised an eyebrow, 'As for your manners...they do not exist.'

Zaraki's face fell.

Byakuya couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the man. 'They are not so hard to learn, just be courteous and don't use vulgar language.'

Zaraki thought about this for a moment. 'That doesn't sound so hard.'

He made his way to the door of the apartment, he tripped on a step.

'Ah, crap.'

Byakuya looked at him with faint amusement. 'Indeed. Maybe it does not matter whether you have any manners or not, you cannot change who you are, even for the ones you love.'

'My uncle once said that people like us for our qualities but love us for our defects,' Zaraki said.

'I was unaware that you ever had an uncle but I believe there is some truth in those words,' Byakuya replied.

'It would have to be true...it's the only reason I can think of why Hisana loves you,' Zaraki said.

'How's that,' Byakuya asked, his face betraying no emotion.

'You are manly and rich which are qualities...you also act like you have a stick up your ass which is a real big defect that normally no one would love but I think that if we removed the stick she would love you anymore.'

'That didn't make any sense,' Byakuya said, after thinking over this for a few moments. Zaraki shrugged.

'It didn't, did it?' Zaraki muttered.

'But I think I understand what you are trying to say.'

Zaraki looked at him.

'Would you care for some more tea, I have something to ask you,' Byakuya asked.

Zaraki wondered what Byakuya would want to ask him, but this did give him a chance to practise his manners.

'Sure.'

---

_Present day_

Shunsui swore out loud. Nanao had run off and hadn't even called to say where she was. He doubted that she had even slept here. He felt worried.

He heard the key turning in the lock. Nanao stepped in.

'Oh my God! Nanao-chan, did you know how worried I was?' he asked her, rushing over.

'You don't need to be worried about me,' Nanao said curtly. Whoa, Shunsui thought, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

'But you didn't turn up all night; something could have happened...where did you stay?'

'I stayed with Matsumoto at Urahara's,' Nanao answered.

Shunsui sighed in relief. 'You could have at least called.'

'I don't see why I have to,' Nanao said.

Shunsui was getting steadily more annoyed.

'You made me worry for no good reason; you could have been hurt or something,' he complained. Nanao gave him an icy look.

'If I was, you'd be the last person to find out, I have come only to change...I'm going shopping with Matsumoto and the others.'

Shunsui grumbled in defeat. 'Fine whatever.'

She went into the bathroom and ten minutes later she left. He watched her leave. She didn't even say bye.

Shunsui flopped onto the bed. What the hell was going on? He thought over the past events and winced. Okay, so he shouldn't have drunk that much, but what does she expect him to do. He sure as hell wasn't going to give up drinking for her.

There was a knock on the door. Shunsui opened to find Ukitake standing there with a grim expression on his face.

'Can I come in?' he asked.

Shunsui moved out of the way.

Ukitake sat at the small table.

'I was talking with Matsumoto earlier and I saw a rather distressed Nanao just leave the building,' he said.

'That's nice,' Shunsui said in an off-hand sort of way.

'You are a twit,' Ukitake said simply.

'Huh?' Shunsui looked at his friend.

'Yes, a twit, just apologise and make up already,' he said.

'She won't listen to me.'

'Swallow your pride man, if you tell her in the right way she'll have no choice but to listen,' Ukitake said.

Shunsui mumbled to himself, 'What am I apologising for?'

Ukitake sighed, 'Nanao's a smart girl but when it comes down to you she's confused and I don't blame her. You kiss her then get drunk. Do you know how much progress you just wasted? She trusted you. She finally thinks she's making the right decision then you go and prove her wrong by showing that you're just a drunk.'

'It wasn't my fault...it was the sake's fault...and Iba's...he's the one who gave me the drink...'

'Don't try and blame it on someone else. You go out there now and apologise.'

'Hey, I'm the lovable drunk. You can't order me around,' Shunsui whined.

'It doesn't take a genius to see you're both hurting and as your friend I have to think about things like this. And by the way you're not a lovable drunk. You're just a normal drunk,' Ukitake explained.

'Why are you even here? I thought you were ill,' Shunsui asked.

'See this is how much I value our friendship. I am ill, but still I came here to sort out your mess,' Ukitake said, coughing.

'Gah! Maybe you should just have stayed at home and rested,' Shunsui suggested, feeling bad that he had dragged Jushiro into this.

'That sounds like a good idea,' Ukitake mumbled.

'I think maybe you should lie down,' Shunsui said and watched as Jushiro placed himself on the bed.

'Before I actually fall asleep, promise you'll go and apologise to her, she doesn't deserve to go through this.'

'I promise,' he murmured, scuffing the floor with his foot.

'Now go and find her,' Ukitake mumbled from the bed.

Shunsui left the room in search of Nanao.

----

Byakuya ticked off the last few names and put down the phone. Everything was on track. He looked up when he heard the door open and tucked the papers away.

Hisana walked into the room.

'What were you doing?' she asked, suspicious.

'Paperwork,' Byakuya replied smoothly. She looked at him. He gazed impassively at her.

She sighed and dropped the heavy bags.

'Did you have a successful shopping trip?' he asked, eyeing the bags.

'Somehow Matsumoto managed to make me buy a party dress and shoes and a whole lot of other stuff,' Hisana said, flopping onto a sofa.

Byakuya had a hint of a smile playing around his mouth. She frowned at him. 'What's so funny?' she asked.

'Nothing, what did everyone else get?' he asked, setting some tea in front of her.

'It was funny actually, I thought we were just shopping for anything but it was as if we were buying for a formal party or something, we all ended up buying party dresses.'

'That's nice,' Byakuya said, thinking that everything was going according to plan.

----

Ichigo walked into the kitchen and stopped.

The lights had been turned low, there was a clean white tablecloth spread out on the table which was set for two people. Candle holders had been put in place and sparkling china he'd never even seen before had been set up.

Zaraki turned to face him.

'Oh it's you,' he said gruffly and turned back to whatever he was doing.

Ichigo gave a yelp of fright.

It was Zaraki in his kitchen...cooking. He was wearing a black shirt with the top buttons undone casually and smart black trousers.

He was also wearing a frilly pink apron that had once belonged to Yuzu. Ichigo couldn't help but think that the pink apron didn't really detract from Zaraki's manliness.

What sort of parallel universe had Ichigo walked into?

'What are you doing?' Ichigo asked.

'I'm cooking,' Zaraki muttered, chopping away at some vegetable.

'Uh ok then,' Ichigo replied, unsure of what to say.

Ikkaku walked into the kitchen and proceeded to stir some stew with one hand and slice meat with another. Ichigo, while thinking that he looked professional, was beyond words.

'Y-you..can cook?' he asked, disbelievingly.

'Yes, I can, you got a problem with that?' Ikkaku asked.

'No, no problem,' Ichigo mumbled and stomped out of the kitchen.

'What's his problem?' Zaraki asked, tipping the vegetables into a saucepan.

'I don't think he's seen manly men cook before,' Ikkaku explained.

----

Ichigo sat shakily in the living room.

Rukia noted his behaviour and put down her magazine. 'What's the matter?' she asked.

Ichigo turned to her, 'Have you been in the kitchen?' he said quietly.

'Yes,' Rukia answered, so that was his problem, she thought.

'Didn't you think it was different?' Ichigo murmured.

'Yes, I thought it looked more romantic, and Zaraki taichou was cooking in a pink apron, how manly can you get?' she said, turning back to her magazine.

'Don't you think that's weird?' he asked her.

'No.'

Second plopped himself onto the sofa, eating instant ramen, 'She'll be here soon so you two had better eat something quick. Apparently they want the whole house to themselves,' he said.

'Who'll be here?' Ichigo asked, confused.

Second looked at him as if he was a brick wall, 'Unohana, you dummy, she's going to be here for her date with Zaraki.'

Well this was news for Ichigo. 'What?! Couldn't he have found somewhere else. They never asked me for permission.'

'He asked your dad, and it's a bit late to change the location now,' Second said, flicking through a newspaper, ramen finished.

'Would you chuck your rubbish out?' Ichigo asked annoyed.

'No.'

'Why not?'

'You didn't say the magic word, yeesh, you're worse than Zaraki...even he has more manners than you.' Second commented.

Ichigo doubted this was true.

'Would you please put away your rubbish, please?' Ichigo asked again.

'Sure,' Second said and cheerfully went to the bin in the kitchen.

'Those guys wind me up,' Ichigo muttered.

'That's because it's fun,' Rukia admitted. Ichigo looked at her disbelievingly.

The doorbell rang. Rukia and Ichigo went upstairs and Zaraki went to open the front door.

Unohana was waiting there, Zaraki let her enter, shut the door and led her to the kitchen.

Ikkaku had disappeared and a bottle of wine had been left for them.

Zaraki tried to remember all the things that Yumichika had told him.

He pulled out a chair for her.

'Please, have a seat,' Zaraki said gallantly.

Unohana thanked him.

'Would you like some wine?' he asked. She politely accepted.

They sat and made small talk for a while and at some point Zaraki remembered to serve the appetisers. Yachiru also noticed that food was going to be served and popped out of the cupboard she was hiding in.

'Ken-chan! Can I have some to?' she asked in the sweetest voice ever. Zaraki made a face at her.

'No, shoo, didn't I tell you to stay away from the kitchen,' Zaraki said angrily at her.

Yachiru pouted, 'But I wanted to make sure everything went ok. Pweety pwease!' she said.

'I don't mind if Yachiru wants to join us,' Unohana added.

Zaraki grumbled something and put another plate on the table.

'Yay!' Yachiru shouted and happily dug into everything that was passed her way.

'I must compliment on you on your cooking skills,' Unohana said.

Zaraki turned a shade of red and looked away. 'It was nothing really.'

Yachiru gave Zaraki a mischievous look. 'Actually Ken-chan spent a long time studying to learn how to cook. He put so much effort into it!' Yachiru told Unohana.

Unohana looked at him, 'Oh, is that so? I hope I have not created too much trouble for you,' she said.

'It was no trouble at all, it was worth it anyway,' Zaraki said, flashing her lop sided grin. Yachiru nearly gasped in shock. When did Ken-chan learn to smile like that? Not that she was complaining, at least he didn't look like he was going to eat her.

Zaraki was in a good mood, he hadn't said a swear word and had even given her one of the new smiles he had been taught. Byakuya would be proud.

My Ken-chan's all grown up, Yachiru thought tearfully.

The next course of the meal came and went. Not that Zaraki or Unohana ate much; most of the food was consumed by Yachiru. Not that this meant much either, instead of eating Zaraki found things to compliment Unohana on and she on him. Yachiru was amazed at the transformation of her Ken-chan. He wasn't stumbling on his words and seemed at ease talking with Unohana.

Yachiru had to admit it was odd. She had never seen him like this.

Soon enough it was time for dessert. Zaraki peered into the fridge.

It wasn't there. He cursed quietly.

He looked at Yachiru who was whistling innocently.

'Yachiru...where is the pudding?' he asked dangerously.

'I don't know Ken-chan, maybe Ichigo ate it,' she said.

'Oh really?' Zaraki stomped out of the kitchen and went to Ichigo's room.

'Should I be worried?' Unohana asked Yachiru.

'Nopey! Ken-chan knows what he's doing.'

'It isn't nice to lie either,' Unohana gently chided.

'It was good pudding,' Yachiru mumbled, 'Ken-chan made it all by himself.'

They heard shouting from upstairs. A few minutes later Zaraki came back and sat at the table as if nothing had happened.

'He said he didn't eat the pudding,' he said.

'I did,' Yachiru said.

Zaraki looked at her. He didn't say anything. He walked out of the room.

'Was it something I said?' Yachiru wondered out loud.

'I'm sure he knows what he's doing,' Unohana said.

Zaraki returned holding Unohana's coat.

'We're going out for dessert,' he said in his trademark gruff voice.

Yachiru jumped up. 'Can I come?'

Zaraki glared at her. 'No.'

Yachiru's eyes reverted to puppy-dog mode but Zaraki would not be swayed. He left with Unohana leaving Yachiru behind.

Ikkaku and Yumichika came into kitchen.

'It's because you ate his pudding,' Ikkaku muttered, when he saw Yachiru's face.

'I can't get over how he acted so calmly,' Yumichika muttered.

'Yeah, how did he do that?' Ikkaku wondered.

Isshin entered the kitchen, 'I gave him some Valium and I think it worked pretty well.'

'Isn't that illegal,' Yumichika asked.

'I am a doctor, and trust me he needed it.'

Nobody said anything.

----

Nanao walked into her room to find Ukitake sitting in their bed, reading.

'Where's Shun-?' Nanao was cut off.

'He went out looking for you.'

'Why would he do that?' she asked more to herself than to the other captain.

'Even if you only do his paperwork he still cares for you, just ignore the nonsense that comes out of his mouth and think about what he's really saying,' Ukitake said.

'Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference,' Nanao murmured after thinking about this.

'I think that if you try hard enough you'll find that it's quite easy,' Ukitake said.

Nanao left the room. Jushiro smiled.

----

The streets were deserted. Her breath was a cold mist.

Then she heard it.

'_When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's amore.'_

Nanao turned.

Shunsui was there singing, strumming along with a lute, dressed up in medieval garb.

She glared at him and he stopped.

Nanao brought back to mind Ukitake's words. _Just ignore the nonsense that comes out of his mouth..._

Nanao was trying really hard.

Shunsui walked up, depositing the medieval clothes as he did so.

'What did you think?' he asked.

Nanao wanted to say that he was tone deaf. 'It was lovely,' she said with a forced smile.

Shunsui took this to heart and unbuttoned his shirt. Nanao watched carefully, if she wasn't trying being professional she would have licked her lips.

'What are you doing?' she asked, trying to keep a neutral tone.

'I am going to perform the dance of manly excellence, it was done by the Ancient Greeks many years ago,' Shunsui explained.

He undid the top button on his jeans.

Nanao stomach did a double flip. 'Does it really require you to be naked?' she asked faintly.

'YUP,' Shunsui said happily, who had no fear of stripping in front of a pretty lady.

'Look stop, you don't have to take all your clothes off,' Nanao said, hastily.

'Really?' Shunsui said, a little put out.

'Yes, you'll get caught for indecent exposure.'

'I forgot about that,' Shunsui muttered, redoing the buttons on his shirt.

'I think I get what you're trying to say,' she said.

He straightened up, 'Nanao-chan, I don't like fighting.'

'I know.'

'I am trying to apologise,' he whispered.

'I know.'

'But I don't think I'm doing very well,' he confessed.

'I know.'

'Nanao, it would be helpful if you said more than just 'I know',' Shunsui said.

'I know,' Nanao looked at him.

'How do I apologise in a way that will make you believe me,' he said.

Nanao was tempted to say have another go at the manly excellence dance.

'You don't have to say anything,' she sighed. 'I guess you could try and say you're sorry without the unnecessary theatrics.'

Shunsui put both hands on her arms and pulled her towards him.

'I'm sorry Nanao-chan,' he said.

Somehow it meant more to her than anything else he could have said.

* * *

**Awww ain't that sweet.**** Zaraki taking valium...poor thing... If you were wondering what he made, it was black forest gateau...he makes a mean gateau... **

**Cooking is ultra manly...Byakuya can do it to...but he never lets on...he also taught Zaraki how to smile and how to do manners**

**I won't be able to update because I have exams for two weeks...sorry...I'll be back though...**

**The dance of manly excellence exists...while revising my ancient Greek festivals I came across this... basically it was a line of buff naked men wearing armour...**

**I could so imagine Shunsui doing that...and Mayuri and Byakuya...but then my brain melts...I'm not a vulgar person...I'm not a bin either.**

**While deciding what to do with Shun and Nanao I talked to rose:**

**Rhea: I don't know if I should make Shun and Nan 'do' that.  
****Rose: You should...in the bathtub...Nanao sleeps there all the time  
****Rhea: ****errr**** you vulgar...they are doing it on the bed  
****Rose: not everyone does it on the bed...Byakuya doesn't...  
****Rhea: I know he's manly. Yea but if Shun and Nan were in the bath then they would break it**

**Cold logic won that conversation...Just now though I was having another co****nversation with Rose:**

**Rose: Where are you in your chapter  
****Rhea: Nearly finished, Shunsui was just apologising  
****Rose: ****Aww**** then off to the bathtub for the both of them  
****Rhea: NO-that's later...restrain yourself  
****Rose: But Shunsui in a bath...  
****Rhea: At least it isn't Byakuya in the bath  
****Rose:...  
****Rhea:...**

**We were both overwhelmed by the thought...**

**Our brains melted.**

**If you're feeling like a nice person...you could give a review...**


	44. You Know He Loves You When

**Good Afternoon**

**Sorry this took ages to appear.**

**Exams are killing me and this is my salvation...ahem...****I still have another week of them...Gah...I must persevere...**

**I have found something that does not go with Gin and chocolate buttons...and that thing is avocados...damn them thing are nasty...**

**Gah, tasteless mush...apparently porcupines eat them...

* * *

**

Chapter 43

Nanao sighed with deep content. She rolled over in the bed and hit something.

Her eyes opened.

She frowned at the figure in front of her. To her knowledge Shunsui never had white hair. Then she realised it wasn't Shunsui at all but Ukitake. He was sleeping deeply and hadn't noticed her touching him. She left the other captain alone and went to bathroom. She locked the door.

Nanao was about to sit on the toilet when someone spoke.

'You might want to think twice before starting anything,' Shunsui said, from inside the bath. Nanao gave a small yelp and jumped up.

'Oh my God! Why didn't you lock the damn door?' she shouted at him angrily. She had just forgiven him and now he does something reckless like this. She slapped a hand to her forehead which was beginning to throb. It was just too darn early for something like this.

'Maybe I wanted you to walk through the door,' Shunsui said, winking at her.

It finally dawned on Nanao that Shunsui wasn't just sitting _in_ the bath. He was _having_ a bath.

A bubble bath to exact.

'You're having a bath,' she said faintly. She made to turn away, her face going red.

'Aww Nanao-chan, don't go, you can scrub my back,' he suggested, getting up.

Nanao scrunched up her eyes and covered them with a hand. 'Ok, that's it! Don't come any closer and just sit back down, I was just leaving.'

Shunsui was rather enjoying watching his lieutenant progressively cycle through every emotion connected with being flustered.

Her hand touched the door's handle. She turned it. It did not move.

A hand closed over hers, it was warm and a little damp. Nanao froze and was suddenly aware that she probably had a very naked captain standing right behind her.

She couldn't help but smile. He smelt of soap.

Then her mind switched back to reality, as long as she didn't turn around...

'Nanao-chan, don't run away,' Shunsui whispered in her ear.

Nanao was pretty sure her brain had just blown a fuse; she had to get out of here. Her common sense seemed to have taken off somewhere and wasn't taking any messages.

Slowly she turned around and she glared pointedly at some indescribable spot just over his shoulder. He moved his hands, his palms were against the door and she was trapped. It was suddenly too hot in the room and she was finding it a little hard to breath.

As long as she didn't look down. Whatever happened she wouldn't look down. Hell would surely break loose if she looked.

'Nanao, at least look at me,' Shunsui said who was clearly was enjoying this. Nanao's eyes flicked to his face and back over his shoulder. Just looking at his face sent her pulse racing, and much to her annoyance Shunsui seemed to realise this. He moved so that he was just inches away from her. Not to be outdone, Nanao stared at his chin. He grinned at her.

'Don't be that way; the water in the bath is still warm...,'

Nanao suddenly realised that she wasn't looking at his chin anymore. Somewhere along the line her eyes had wandered slowly down his neck and were now somewhere halfway down his chest. She bit her bottom lip.

Oh dear, she thought, things are going downhill. She rattled the door handle and she remembered that she had locked it earlier. She unlocked it but it still wouldn't open.

'I put glue in the lock,' Shunsui mumbled.

As quick as this had all happened it ended and Shunsui stepped away. Nanao lifted her hand again but Shunsui stopped her.

'Look, I know you don't want to believe this but I'm not naked,' he said.

'Huh?' she said, confused. She looked him up and down.

He was wearing swimming shorts. An anger mark made itself known on her forehead.

'You go to the bath wearing swimming shorts?' she asked slowly.

Shunsui laughed, 'Ha, of course not, I just wanted to see your expression when I got out...' he stopped talking. Nanao looked angry.

'Was it something I said?' he asked carefully, he could see different emotions flicker across her face. It settled on a rather frustrated one.

She pulled out her telephone directory.

Shunsui gulped.

----

Ukitake frowned and opened his eyes.

He turned to the bathroom. The door was shut. He could hear loud thuds and what appeared to be a man whimpering.

Sounds like they're having fun, he thought to himself and left the room.

----

Today was going to be a sad day for Kira. He just didn't know it yet.

Kira and the porcupine were out shopping for suits for today's party. The day had started out well, the sun was shining and the weather forecasts had said it would stay that way for the rest of the day. Unfortunately no one sold porcupine sized clothing.

Kira had bought, already, black trousers and a jacket for himself and all he needed now was a shirt and tie. Hisagi who had nothing better to do came with them. Renji opted out saying that he didn't want go into a dressing room when an undetermined gendered porcupine could have walked in on him.

The three walked into the last shop on the high street. The shop assistant gave the porcupine an odd look but didn't say anything. Kira and Hisagi milled about picking up random clothes then went off to the fitting rooms. The porcupine followed Kira and when he tried on the first shirt he looked at it.

'What do you think?' he asked it.

The creature stared at him. The shirt was black. Black goes with everything. Kira took this omission of sound as a negative view and tried on the next one.

The porcupine, who wasn't really paying attention to Kira, wandered over to Hisagi's room. Hisagi watched it walk in. It stopped when it noticed what Hisagi was wearing.

A black netted shirt; it walked straight back out again.

Back in Kira's room things weren't going well. He couldn't decide what colour shirt to have and the porcupine hadn't made a sound. He sighed and picked up the last shirt.

The porcupine walked into the cubicle. When it saw Kira's shirt it squeaked. Kira, thinking that his new found pet had just approved, looked at himself in the mirror. He had to admit, the bright pink shirt did make him look rather dashing. Happy with his new purchase he went to check on Hisagi who had already bought his stuff.

'Need anything else?' Hisagi asked.

'Hmmm, I just need a tie,' he said.

They found another shop and looked around. Then Kira spotted something that struck him as unusual. He called Hisagi over.

'Hey look at this,' he said. Hisagi did.

'What about it?' he asked confused.

'Well doesn't it look familiar?' Kira said.

'So it looks like a keyboard...what's wrong with that?'

'Well...it doesn't work,' Kira said, stubbornly. He poked the fabric, nothing happened.

'That's because it's a tie you idiot!' Hisagi shouted. People turned to look at them. He lowered his voice.

'It's just the style of the tie, it's meant to look cool,' Hisagi said, thinking that he might go and buy one.

Kira's eyes widened. 'Oh wow! I gotta get me one of those,' he said happily.

Darn it, Hisagi thought, I should have got to it before him, nothing is worse than wearing the same clothes to the same party.

When they had left the shop, it was mid-afternoon and the roads and streets were busy with shoppers. At some point during their shopping spree they had stopped for a late lunch, filled themselves with fast-food, and were now in dire need of the loo.

The porcupine having no need for being civilised found a nice patch of grass to relieve itself. While waiting for the porcupine to finish its business, Hisgai spotted someone familiar.

'Hey isn't that Zaraki taichou?' he asked Kira.

'Yeah it is but who is that with him?' his friend replied. Hisagi squinted; the person was definitely a woman that much he could tell. Recognition suddenly hit him.

'I know who that is...'

Kira looked where the two were standing, 'Who?'

'Unohana taichou.'

----

Zaraki coughed uneasily. He wished he had taken that valium.

For some reason, he always ended up being not so manly in front of her. He wondered why this was. Maybe he would stop sweating in the winter cold, maybe his hands would stop shaking, and maybe he wouldn't feel like such a small child if he treated Unohana as if she were a man.

He had no experience with women. Except Yachiru, who could hardly be counted as a woman.

Men, however, he could handle.

He cleared his throat.

'Unohana,' he began in the gruffest voice he could muster, 'there is a party tonight...' he ran out of steam and had to pause to think about what he would say next.

'And I want you to go with me.'

Ikkaku and Yumichika winced, they were sitting incognito on a bench not far away.

'What the hell is he thinking? He can't just order her to do things,' Yumichika muttered angrily.

'She isn't a man, she's a delicate woman, he can't just spout things in a manly voice,' Ikkaku agreed.

Yumichika frowned, 'When have you ever called a woman 'delicate'?'

'Errr, I've always been doing that,' Ikkaku stuttered.

'No, you haven't...oh, I get it,' Yumichika said with a mischievous grin.

'What do you get?' Ikkaku asked, not liking the way this conversation was going.

'You like someone don't you?' his friend said. Ikkaku mumbled something.

'No, I don't.'

Yumichika glared at the other man. 'You're not very good at hiding your feelings are you?' he teased.

Ikkaku grunted and looked away, his shiny chrome dome head was red with tell tale signs of a blush.

'We're meant to be watching Zaraki taichou,' Ikkaku muttered.

Unohana, if she had been a vegetable would have probably disintegrated from the manliness overdose, but she wasn't and Yachiru, from her hiding place, had to admit that she withstood this manliness rather well. Zaraki wasn't really paying attention now and was on, what he thought, a roll.

'Whaddya' say?' he asked again. Unohana smiled at him and Zaraki felt his manliness leave him. Yachiru thought it was time to interrupt, but before she could Unohana spoke.

'I would love to go with you,' she said.

Zaraki blinked, 'Eh, really?' he couldn't believe it.

'Yes, of course,' Unohana assured him. Zaraki desperately tried to regain his composure and drew himself up to his full height.

'That's good,' Zaraki said with extra manliness layered on. 'Come to Kurosaki's house at seven.'

He stomped off.

Yumichika fell off the bench. 'Taichou! You're not meant to just leave like that.'

Zaraki stopped, 'I'm not?'

'NO! That was possibly the worst show of gentlemanliness I have ever seen,' Yumichika cried. Zaraki picked up on one word in that whole sentence.

'I thought I was really manly,' Zaraki said. Yachiru jumped on his back.

'Err, taichou, being a gentleman and being a manly man are totally different things,' Ikkaku explained.

'They are?' Zaraki asked surprised.

'Yes.'

'Oh.'

Hisagi turned to Kira, 'Well if that isn't the weirdest thing I've ever seen,' he said.

Kira shook his head, 'You've never seen Gin have a bath.'

Hisagi stared at him, 'You watched him go to the bath!?'

'I had to make sure no one attacked him...' Kira explained, 'that's being loyal, that is.'

Hisagi suddenly felt sorry for the boy, then as if realising something, he frowned.

'What's so weird about Gin having a bath?'

Kira gave him a haunted look. 'I don't want to say,' he said cryptically.

'Is it that bad?' Hisagi replied.

Kira just nodded and walked away.

---

Meanwhile First was having bad luck with women. He had thought that if everyone else was going out in the evening he could probably set up dinner with Ryoko. However it seemed that she didn't want to.

He knocked on the door of her apartment. Since he had been there on Christmas day he hadn't forgotten where it was, he didn't know whether this was a good thing or not.

Ryoko opened the door, clearly surprised to see him.

First had no experience with women and felt a little bit like Zaraki. He cleared his throat, thinking it would be better just to cut to the chase.

'Would you like to have dinner?' he asked her. Behind him he thought he heard someone choke.

She stared at him. Ryoko had nothing against First, he had saved her life, but just asking for dinner out of the blue was a little odd.

'Ummm, yes, I'd love to have dinner, in fact, I like to eat dinner everyday but with you? Sorry, I have other plans,' she said.

First stood there. He had never in his short life-span ever been denied something. He was feeling more than a little angry. Ryoko frowned, First hadn't moved, he was still standing in her doorway with no expression on his face.

'Umm, I need to shut the door...' she said, hoping that he would move. He didn't. Woah, she thought, what's up with him?

'Are you ok?' she asked.

No, First thought, you just rejected me. How do you think I feel?

'What, if I may ask, are your other plans?' he asked, his voice changed tone, Ryoko noticed this.

'I'm going out with someone else,' she said uncomfortably. First wanted to ask who so he could punch the living daylights out of them. He had a feeling she wouldn't tell him though. He stepped out of her doorway and she closed the door.

Ten minutes First was still standing there, Third walked up the steps that lead to her apartment, he had watched the whole scene and thought it was high time he told First what was really going on.

He tapped his clone on the shoulder. 'Hey, are you ok?'

First stood still but his arm shot out and he punched the brick wall next to him. There was gut wrenching cracking sound, First didn't even flinch.

'Hey, ummm, you shouldn't have just asked like that, it wasn't exactly polite,' Third said.

First glared at him, 'Was that you choking in the background?' he asked.

'Uh, yeah.'

First's face fell, 'Was it that bad?'

Third nodded his head violently, 'Yup, it really was, but don't worry to make you feel better I found out who her date was.'

First looked happier, 'Who is it?' he demanded.

'Look, I'm going to tell, you but first you have to promise not to go primal on me and beat the guy up, ok?'

First thought for a moment, 'Fine.'

'She's having a date with Second.'

First stomped away.

'Hey, wait, where are you going?' Third asked, hurrying to catch up with him.

'The bastard!' was all First managed to say.

Third grabbed him by the shoulders. 'Hold on! Maybe there are better ways to get back at him.'

First went still, 'What other ways?'

'You know for an evil genius you're pretty dumb,' Third muttered and First replied by whacking him on the head.

'Just get on with it.'

'Well maybe we could go and crash his date.'

First looked at him with a flat expression, 'What you mean like drive a car into the building?'

Third was silent for a moment, 'Look, I'm going to forget what you just said because it was rubbish, I mean we're going to spoil it and maybe we can swap you two around...I mean you do look the same,' Third explained.

'Acting and looking are different things, we are totally different people,' First said.

'That doesn't matter,' Third replied, he was enjoying this, he was a born matchmaker/ date wrecker.

'What's in it for you?' First asked him, to his knowledge they had never been on close terms, First thought this was mainly because of the pink hair.

'Look I don't like Second, he's too...what's the word...manly. Whereas you are a promising subject and it even a blind man could see that you and Ryoko are meant to be like this,' Third crossed his fingers, trying to emphasise point.

First frowned, 'Blind men can't see and you think we're meant to be...entwined?'

Third groaned, 'I mean you're mean to be! Sometimes I wonder if I'm speaking to two year-old.'

'Technically speaking, I'm barely a month old,' First said.

'Shut up, are you going to do what I say or not?'

First looked back at the block of apartments and thought he'd be damned if he let Ryoko fall into the clutches of Second.

'I'll do it.'

----

Kira crossed the road.

Hisagi crossed the road.

The porcupine crossed the road and got half way across when a car ran over it.

'Noooooooooooooooooo!'

Kira felt it, even though he hadn't seen it. The dull thud, the squelch, it would haunt his dreams for a long time.

Someone screamed, it could have been Kira, people gathered around the corpse.

Kira, dropping his shopping bags, pushed people out of the way and saw it.

He tried to ignore the other people's comments.

_'Did you see that? No resistance at all, just splat...'_

_'__Woah__ It's just a smear on the road...'_

_'__Ewww__, you can see __it's__ guts...'_

_'It's like it's been painted on there...'_

He bent down and reached out. Hisagi stopped him.

'Look you don't want to touch that thing,' he advised. Kira could feel tears in his eyes, he couldn't quite believe it.

'It's not a thing,' he sobbed. Hisagi patted him on the back.

'We didn't even know what it was, look I know this probably won't make you feel better, but he's gone to a better place.'

'You're right-,' Kira said and Hisagi gave a sigh of relief.

'-that didn't make me feel better at all,' Kira moaned and hugged his knees, 'I can't believe its dead...we did so much together.'

People moved away and cars horned. 'Look, maybe we should get off the road,' Hisagi suggested.

'I can't just leave him here!' Kira wailed, 'it needs someone to be with him.'

Hisagi slapped him across the face and Kira was shocked into silence. 'Kira, look at that thing, it is the dead. It doesn't feel anything and it certainly doesn't want to be with anyone!'

Kira was reluctantly led back to the sidewalk. Kira blew his nose, 'Shouldn't we move him off the road?' he asked. Hisagi winced as another car drove through the red mess of road-kill porcupine.

'Umm, unless you have something to scrape it off with, I think we should just leave it,' Hisagi suggested. He walked away and Kira after another minute staring at his friend did too.

Hisagi felt sorry for Kira but in a way it was probably better this way, he was getting rather attached to the animal. Kira sniffed.

'Hisagi?' Kira said quietly.

'Yes.'

'It still had its whole life left. It still had to find a girl porcupine-,'

'-or boy,' Hisagi interrupted.

'-and have little porcupine babies...' Kira couldn't finish and broke out into a fresh wave of sobs.

Hisagi sighed and stopped walking, Kira did too.

'Look, you shouldn't feel so bad. We all have short lives and what we do with them is up to us. That porcupine has gone to a better place, if anything, hopefully you've learnt not to love so much because when you lose it the pain will be too much.'

Kira looked at Hisagi and thought that beneath the netted shirts, Shuhei Hisagi was a pretty thoughtful person.

'That's deep,' Kira said.

'You hang around Tousen long enough and that's what happens,' Hisgai explained.

There was silence as the two carried on walking.

After a while Kira broke the silence. 'Do you think Porcupine's go to heaven.'

'I'm sure they do.'

----

As evening drew closer the Kurosaki household became steadily busier.

Second was cooking for his date and First and Third were plotting together. Ichigo was trying to find his tuxedo and Rukia was busy getting changed into her dress. Isshin was crying about how he wasn't invited to the party and Yuzu and Karin were trying to shut him up. Zaraki was fiddling with shirt buttons and Yachiru was getting in the way. Ikkaku and Yumichika had already changed and were watching the television.

Ichigo sighed, he had found most of his stuff but now he had to get a bow tie. He could ask his dad for one but he had a horrible feeling that this would just make things worse. Kon tiptoed out of his drawer and headed to Ichigo's door.

Even though he had his back to him, Ichigo could tell that Kon was up to something.

'Where are you going?' he asked the lion plushie.

Kon froze, 'Uh, just to see if Rukia needed help getting her dress on.'

'Right, sure you were,' Ichigo muttered locking the stuff animal back into his drawer. The clock chimed seven and he still hadn't found his bow tie.

He poked his head out into the hallway.

'Hey Rukia!' he shouted.

'What?' she shouted back.

'Have you seen my bow tie?' he yelled.

'No, why would I know where it is?' she bellowed back.

'Do you know who might?' he asked.

'Maybe Zaraki knows,' Rukia suggested.

Ichigo didn't much feel like going to ask Zaraki but went to downstairs anyway. When he got there he suddenly stopped.

Zaraki was standing in the living room his dress shirt not doing a very good job of covering his manly chest, it was probably because he hadn't done the buttons. Yachiru was trying to do them up, but her fingers kept slipping on the buttons.

'Hey, have you seen my bow tie?' he asked them.

'Maybe,' Zaraki muttered.

'Where is it then?' Ichigo asked. Zaraki turned to him, his face livid.

'I don't have time to give you your bow tie! Unohana is going to be here any minute,' Zaraki shouted.

Ichigo, who for once was thinking fast, came to a conclusion.

'If I do up your shirt buttons will you tell me where it is?'

Zaraki thought about this for a minute, 'Fine, just hurry up.'

Yachiru was shoved aside and Ichigo hurriedly fumbled with the buttons.

Ikkaku was watching this intently. 'There's a name for this sort of thing...I think it's Kodak moment or something.'

Yumichika shook his head, 'This isn't a Kodak moment, it's a gay moment.'

The doorbell rang.

Zaraki hurriedly stepped away from Ichigo and rushed to the door.

Ichigo angrily went after him. 'Hey, you didn't tell me where my tie was.'

'It's under your bed,' Zaraki said in an off-hand way. Ichigo went off and Zaraki opened the door.

Unohana smiled at him and stepped into the warmth. Zaraki gave her maniacal grin and led to her to the recently vacated living room.

The news ran quietly in the background.

_'Today, the body of the porcupine that had recently escaped from __Karakura__ Town Zoo was found, it appeared to have been run over in a busy shopping district...'_

Zaraki glared disbelievingly at the screen, he was going to have words with Kira.

He turned to Unohana, who was also watching the news.

'Umm, hold on, I just need to do my tie,' he mumbled.

'Zaraki taichou,' Unohana said.

'Hmm.'

'You're buttons are done up wrong,' she said. Zaraki looked down and saw that the buttons weren't in the right holes. He was going to have words with Ichigo as well it seemed.

He fiddled with them for a minute and was just about to rip them all off when Unohana intervened.

'Let me,' she said and stood in front of him. She redid his buttons for him. Zaraki at one point could have sworn that her hand touched his skin. It made him feel happy.

'Now that's a Kodak moment,' Yumichika whispered from the kitchen and Ikkaku silently agreed.

Zaraki felt like a small boy but planned on using this to his full advantage, he held up his tie and Unohana laughed.

'It seems Zaraki-san that you are unable to dress yourself,' she teased, while tying it for him. Zaraki was tempted to reply that he couldn't undress himself either but thought he might save that for later.

'Did Zaraki taichou just make a move?' Ikkaku asked.

'It looks like it,' Yumichika said, 'By the way, where's Yachiru?'

'I don't know. Did she ever leave the living room?'

Yachiru was watching from behind the sofa and surprisingly didn't feel jealous at all. As long as Unohana didn't start sitting on Zaraki's shoulder all would be well. Unohana is a good person for Zaraki, she thought.

'Shall we go?' Zaraki asked.

'What about the others?' Unohana asked.

'They were going separately,' Zaraki lied.

Ikkaku and Yumichika stared at each other. This was news to them. When they heard the front door open and close they went back into the lounge.

'Did he just say 'Going seperately'?' Ikkaku said.

Yachiru came out from behind the sofa.

'Yep,' Yachiru said, 'I think he wants to spend alone time with Uno-chan.'

'The fact that she's given Unohana taichou a nickname means that she approves,' Yumichika said.

'It's good to see Ken-chan act like a gentleman instead of a manly man,' Yachiru piped up.

Ikkaku and Yumichika didn't think they were ready for a gentleman Zaraki.

----

By half seven everyone going to the party had left and the only people left were the clones.

Since Ryoko was due at eight, Second had decided to spend his remaining half an hour making himself look respectable.

Third decided that this was the opportune moment to strike and walked into Second's room.

Second turned, 'Oh, it's you,' he said and turned back to the mirror. Third sighed and sat in the bed.

'How do I look?' Second asked.

'Why you asking me?' Third replied.

'Um, well, you understand fashion and...stuff,' Second said sheepishly.

Third was surprised at this, his clone was actually acting bashful, did dinner mean this much to him?

'Uh, you look fine,' Third commented and flicked Second's hair about.

'Right, now you look dashing and snappy,' he said.

'Really?'

'Yes,' Third answered and walloped Second on the head with a baseball bat.

First went into the room.

'Is he alive?' he asked.

'Yeah, I didn't hit him that hard,' Third explained, 'ok, so we have about twenty minutes to turn you into Second. Your hair we'll just have to leave but your voice you can change...'

First interrupted, 'There's nothing wrong with my hair and my voice is just fine.'

Third looked at him, 'Darling, are you tone deaf or colour blind because your hair is a different shade of blue and your voice is deeper than his.'

'It is?' First said.

'Yes, now change into something that will knock her off her feet,' Third ordered.

First stood there, 'What sort of clothes are those?'

Third mentally swore. There was something wrong with First.

Soon enough the door bell rang and First went to open it.

'Hi, come in,' he said in a high falsetto. Ryoko frowned for a moment but then stepped in.

'_Not that high, you idiot!'_Third said to him through an earpiece.

First quickly cleared his throat and said, 'Sorry, had a frog in my throat.'

Phew, First thought, that was close.

He took her into the kitchen and pulled out a chair for her.

'_I doubt Second would have done that,' _Third said to him.

First frowned and put the chair back in before Ryoko could sit on it.

'_I didn't mean you have to put it back in!'_ Third shouted at him.

When First had pulled out the chair again she looked at him.

'Are you ok, you're acting kinda weird,' she said.

'_Smile at her and tell her that everything's fine.'_

_'_I'm fine, I just had something on my mind,' First replied flawlessly.

'Oh and what's that?' she asked when she had sat down.

He was quiet while he waited for Third to think of an answer.

'_Tell her you saw that porcupine die on the news and you thought it was really sad,' _Third said quickly.

'Umm, some porcupine died in the afternoon,' First said in what he hoped was a very Second sort of voice.

'I didn't think you were an animal lover,' Ryoko said as First handed her a glass of wine.

First swore at Third.

'_Say you're like chocolate covered caramel; hard on the outside but soft and squidgy on the inside.'_

'Well, it's like that saying, I'm like chocolate covered caramel...hard on the outside but soft and squishy on the inside,' First said.

Ryoko stared at him, 'I've never heard that one before but I guess it's a good analogy. So what's for dinner?' she asked.

First didn't have a clue. 'Ummm...food...'

'_That I cooked because I am manly,'_ Third said quickly, Second would definitely say something to assert his manliness.

_'_That I cooked because I am manly,' he said. Ryoko choked on her wine.

'I'm sorry?'

First thumped his fist on the kitchen counter when he realised what he had just said.

'Uh, just ignore me. My brain isn't working,' First said in what he thought was a light hearted way.

'Right,' Ryoko said, unsure of what he might say next.

'Yes, so how was your day?' he asked, while trying to figure out what the appetisers were.

'It was ok, your brother came round in the afternoon.'

First froze. 'Really, what did he want?'

Ryoko was watching him, 'He wanted to have dinner with me.'

First carried on searching for the starters, 'The scoundrel,' he said.

'_Maybe you should act __more angry__,' _Third said.

'That stinking bastard what the fuck did he think he was doing!' First said while stirring some soup. Ryoko stared at him, she'd like to think she had some intelligence and was pretty sure something was wrong.

'_That was a bit too strong,' _Third said weakly.

First turned to Ryoko, 'Sorry I wasn't meant to say that, how about we eat?'

He busied himself with serving food.

----

Hisana wondered where they were going. All Byakuya had said was that they were going to dinner. That seemed like a pretty good plan but she didn't know why she had to wear her newly acquired part dress. Even he was dressed up, to the black tuxedo right down to the silver waistcoat and cravat. He looked like he was fit to be royalty and she was feeling way out of her depth.

Even though she had tried to follow Mayuri's advice, she couldn't help but feel like Byakuya was being slightly cold towards her and that maybe after all those years he didn't love her as much. She wondered if Byakuya knew about her insecurities.

She shut her eyes and after what seemed like hours the limo stopped. Her eyes opened and the door was opened for her after she had stepped out Byakuya took her arm and walked with her to her towards the building.

'Hey, this doesn't look like a restaurant,' she said.

Byakuya didn't say anything. Okay, she thought, now something was definitely wrong.

She stopped. He looked at her questioningly.

'What's wrong?' he asked her.

'Where are we?'

'This is a hall where a dinner is being held,' he said smoothly. 'Look it even says on the side of the building.'

Hisana looked at where he was pointing and it did say that the halls were available for hire for banquets.

She sighed, she was just overreacting. She began to walk again and linked arms with Byakuya again.

She walked through the front doors.

There was an explosion. Or what seemed to be something like that. She had shut her eyes and when she opened them she saw everyone.

'SURPRISE!'

She was shocked. Byakuya looked at her, 'I find it hard to believe that you actually forgot your own birthday,' he whispered in her ear.

Her eyes widened. Yes, she had forgotten it, and he had reminded her.

They swarmed around her. First came Rukia who threw her arms around her sister and squeezed and in that moment Hisana did not think she could get any happier.

Then Matsumoto, Nanao, Yachiru who all came and hugged her, Yachiru was sort of hanging but it was the thought that counted. Byakuya watched as a crowd formed around her, what sort of man would he be if he didn't know what his own wife was feeling?

After a while dinner started and everyone was seated at tables. Zaraki who had finished eating went over to Kira. The young lieutenant felt the huge shadow wash over him and he turned around slowly.

'Uh, hello, Zaraki-san,' Kira said, bowing his head slightly.

'Seen the news lately?' Zaraki growled.

Hisagi quickly excused himself. Kira nodded like a school boy in trouble, 'Well then, do you have anything to say?' Zaraki asked, 'It was to my understanding that you were taking care of the porcupine.'

Kira nearly wetted himself, 'Errr, well you see, it was busy and it crossed the road at the wrong time and well a car ran it over...'

Zaraki leant closer, 'Is that your sorry excuse for an excuse?'

Someone tapped Zaraki on the shoulder. Unohana smiled at him and the other captain was thrown off for a moment.

'Zaraki-san, I was wondering where you had got to, they have just served dessert, wouldn't you like to try it?' Unohana asked.

Zaraki didn't really have a choice and was led away by Unohana who gave Kira a small wink.

Ichigo didn't know why he was here and Byakuya didn't either. Ichigo had found himself sitting on the same table as Byakuya and Hisana because Rukia was family.

Byakuya ignored the orange haired boy and thought that the only reason he invited him was because Rukia would be sad if he didn't. It did not matter what he thought because he was doing this for Hisana's happiness.

On the tables were a selection of party hats and blowers. Everyone had worn a hat, except Byakuya.

He did not feel the need.

Yachiru however did and when he busy talking to the others she sneaked up on him and jammed one on his head. The elastic snapped under his chin, he winced.

He glared at the small girl, 'Awww come on Byakushi, it's party time!' she cried happily.

For you maybe, he thought, I, however wish to retain some dignity. He reached for the hat but Hisana stopped him saying that this was probably the only time she'll ever see him wearing one so she wanted him to keep it on for the rest of the night. He left it on.

At this point Mayuri tapped Hisana on the shoulder. Byakuya looked at him.

'I'm not going to do anything, I just want a word with her,' Mayuri explained.

'I never thought otherwise,' Byakuya said impassively and watched her walk away with him.

'See, I told you everything would work itself it out,' Mayuri told her.

Hisana looked at him, 'Even after I had that talk with you, I still couldn't but help but feel insecure.'

Mayuri studied her face, 'Well you know he loves when he sacrifices his dignity and wears a part hat. Don't let insecurities rule your life.'

'I'll try and remember that,' she frowned, 'You're not wearing a hat,' she said.

'As if I would wear that rubbish,' he muttered, before he could say anything Hisana picked one off an empty table and plonked it on his head.

He was about to say something but someone called Hisana over, with a quick smile she left him.

He watched her go, he didn't know why but for some reason he felt different. It must be the hat, he thought.

Shunsui crept closer to the group of women. Nemu saw him.

'Shunsui taichou, what are you doing on the floor?' she asked him.

'Umm, I think I dropped something,' he said quickly.

'You'll get your suit dirty,' Matsumoto said and crouched down next to him.

Shunsui sat up, 'Do you want some help?' Nemu asked him.

Matsumoto looked at her, 'He wasn't looking for anything, Nemu, he just wanted to ogle at his Nanao-chan.'

Shunsui winced, 'You caught me,' he said.

'Well don't worry, we're going to help you,' Matsumoto said.

'You are?' Shunsui asked amazed at his good fortune.

'We are?' Nemu said.

'Yes, we are.'

----

Nanao-chan helped herself to another glass of water, to say the least she was having fun and the food was good. It was also interesting what to see what everyone was wearing. Iba was wearing all black and looked like a nightclub bouncer. Hisagi looked weird wearing a netted shirt under a suit jacket and Kira looked eye-catching in his pink shirt and piano tie. Komamura was decked out in a huge tuxedo complete with scarf and top hat. Ukitake and Toushiro were sporting black suits and Yumichika looked stunning in a fitted tuxedo while Ikkaku looked like the local Yakuza with a bald head and a black suit with blood red shirt. Mayuri had just done what Nemu said and was wearing a charcoal grey suit with a dark blue shirt that she said brought out his eyes.

Then there was Shunsui. Trust Nanao to notice him.

Ok so he was wearing what most other people were wearing, a black tuxedo with bow tie, but for some reason when she looked around the room it was him that her eyes settled on. Maybe she had just drunk too much champagne.

Matsumoto walked up to her. 'Hey aren't you going to dance?' she asked her friend.

Nanao laughed, 'No, I don't dance.'

'Nor does Mayuri but he seems to be having fun doesn't he?' Matsumoto said. Nanao watched him dance with Nemu and he did look like he was enjoying himself, that is, until they changed dance partners and Unohana found herself in Mayuri's arms. Zaraki put a quick end to that. Nanao winced when Mayuri was hit on the head with a chair.

'Yeah, not so much fun now,' Nanao said. Matsumoto looked at the grim scene.

'That's not the point, why don't have you just go and hang loose, I know for sure that Shunsui wouldn't mind,' Matsumoto said nudging and winking at the other woman.

Nanao sighed, 'He put you up to this didn't he?' Nanao muttered.

Matsumoto looked at her, 'Ok, it was more like me, don't get angry at him,' she said, knowing too well that Nanao wasn't exactly on good terms with her captain. Not since the whole bath thing.

Nanao felt her head throb; she was not in the mood. Ukitake from a distance noticed this and motioned to his friend. 'You should go over there and stop acting like a half-wit,' he told Shunsui.

'Look, I don't wanna, she looks like she wants to bite my head off,' Shunsui mumbled.

'Yeah and whose fault is that?' Ukitake scolded.

'I was just trying to be friendly,' Shunsui explained. Ukitake sighed.

'You're useless, you know that?'

Shunsui grinned at him, 'Naaw, I'm just not a serious person.'

'Well if you want her, you better become serious,' Ukitake advised and walked away.

Shunsui grumbled to himself and went over Nanao.

'Hey, do you want to dance?' he asked her.

'No,' she said and looked away.

'I'm sorry for this morning,' he said, he watched couples dance away the night. He wanted to be a part of that, more than that he wanted Nanao.

Nanao looked at him and thought she saw some sincerity in his eyes. Oh dear, she thought, I'm going to have to forgive him again.

She held out her arm and Shunsui eyes widened.

'So are we dancing or not?' she asked.

----

Toushiro was thinking that the day could not have gone better. Here he was dancing with Momo, for some reason, he was taller than her. He just hoped Mayuri hadn't slipped him a growth pill when he wasn't looking. Maybe Matsumoto was right, maybe he was growing up. That also meant that Yachiru's dirty comments would probably manifest themselves in his mind.

Luckily for him though, Yachiru had stayed clear of him and seemed more interested in trying to drink champagne when Kenpachi wasn't looking which was often because Kenpachi was too occupied in staring at Unohana.

'Toushiro, what's wrong?' Momo asked him.

'Eh? Nothing, I was just thinking,' he said. She smiled at him.

'About what?'

'He was thinking that everyone would just leave so he could redo some scenes from Dirty Dancing with you,' Yachiru whispered.

Toushiro swatted her away. 'Don't listen to anything she says,' Toushiro said hastily, 'Yachiru doesn't know what she's saying.'

Momo gave him a confused smile and they continued to dance.

----

It was some time after midnight when Nanao and Shunsui returned to their room.

She stepped out of her shoes and winced, they were hurting, she felt as if she had been dancing for days and not for an hour. Shunsui noticed this but didn't say anything.

Nanao went into the bathroom and took her glasses off. She felt so tired and was hoping to sleep until midday. Shunsui on the other had his own plan.

Nanao was about to shrug out of her dress when Shunsui wrapped his arms around her.

'I'm not in the mood,' she mumbled, 'I danced with you, that's enough for now.'

No it's not, Shunsui thought.

'Nanao-chan I want you to believe me...'

'That's hard to do, I mean-,' Shunsui cut Nanao off.

'I want you to believe me when I say I love you.'

Nanao turned around in his arms and looked at his face. No joke.

'W-what?' she stammered.

Shunsui looked her in the eye, 'I love you.'

There was silence.

About a thousand thoughts were running through her mind at once. He loves me, she thought, so do I. That's all there is to it.

'Nanao, are you going to say anything,' he whispered.

Nanao set the rule book on fire and kissed him.

Shunsui was surprised but not so surprised he couldn't return her kiss.

'Nanao-chan,' he mumbled, 'the door's stuck.'

'I don't care,' she whispered back and kissed him again.

* * *

**Beware the BATH TUBS!**

**Yay**** 7000 words, a record. ****YAY.**

**Anyways...yeah...not much to say...**

**Kira saw Gin in a bathtub...rhea is jealous..**

**Except...she was so inflamed by her lust that she sought out men more often than she was sought out by them...****Beware the loose morale ancient roman women...they're out to get you...**

**Rhea and Rose snack on Gin and Chocolate buttons at midnight...in a bathtub...**

**While doing my exams, I ****got stuck on a question...I**** tried to work it out, but then a bathtub appeared and it all went downhill...****needless to say Rhea was distracted from her ****latin**** literature because Byakuya, Mayuri and all the other manly men appeared in a bath tub in my head.**

**R****ose drew and awesome picture of Byakuya in a party hat so go and check it out on this website thing...it also has all the other manly men and a picture of Mayuri in a suit that she drew me for my birthday... fanfiction doesn't like links...so basically...i've put it in my profile and it works cause i just checked it...or u can search for the album Ugg Rhea Patel on photobucket...**

**In this album, you'll basically see a hand drawn one of Byakuya in a hat and one of Mayuri in a suit looking edible...**

**Yeah that's it...I hope you liked this chapter...I have still have loads of exams so it'll take time for the next one to show ****itelf**

**Oh and by the way...elvis aizen is on the list...**


	45. Bedroom Talk

**Good Evening!**

**SORRY, THIS CHAPTER WAS REALLY DELAYED...please don't hate me!**

**So, Rose is here, writing this chapter with me. She was literally jumping for joy at the prospect of writing about bathtubs. She won't give me back the keyboard and is insisting I dictate this to her. Give me back the damn keyboard! ****Silence**

**I'm gonna be really angry in a minute! Give me back the keyboard!**

**I finally ****got the key board back because R****ose is too busy dancing to backstreet boys...**

**Dedication goes to anybody who wants it...**

**Byakuya makes me hungry.

* * *

**

Chapter 44

Nanao felt something digging into her back; she frowned in her sleep and rolled over. Her arm hit something. Nanao's eyes fluttered open and were met with the sight of something oddly familiar.

And realisation dawned upon her.

'We broke it,' she said.

'Hmmm,' Shunsui sleepily mumbled beside her.

'We broke the bath.'

Shunsui opened his eyes and sure enough he saw it. Scattered around the pair were what seemed to be many fragments of white porcelain.

'Wouldya' look at that,' he said, not sounding very surprised. Nanao thought the fact needed to be reiterated.

'We broke. The bath.'

'I know,' Shunsui replied happily.

Nanao gave him a death glare, 'You're not meant to be happy. We broke the bath.'

'You know, repeating it won't change the fact that we did it. You should just accept it and be proud of your accomplishments,' Shunsui said.

'This isn't a race dammit! You silly, silly man this isn't something to be bragging about!' Nanao shouted propping herself up on one elbow.

'You know we could always try and break the sink too?' Shunsui suggested, wiggling his eyebrows.

One part of Nanao was thinking that she'd better remove her glasses her glasses from the edge of the sink quickly while the other part of her was yearning for her telephone directory. Reality took its hold on her.

'I don't think so,' she said coldly. Shunsui didn't seem to be put off by this though.

'Ahhh, Nanao-chan, you shall forever be my ice queen,' he murmured looking at her. Nanao-chan didn't seem too impressed, she looked around the small room, and they were lying side by side as if they had spilled out of the bathtub that sat against a wall. Slowly she began to remember what had happened last night. Just thinking about it made her flustered, Shunsui noticed this. He leant closer.

'Nanao-chan, whatya' thinking about?' he asked.

'Erm, nothing,' she replied quickly trying to edge away from her captain, if he got too close who knows what would happen. Shunsui was onto her and when she stood up, he did too.

'Well if that's the case then I'd like my shirt back,' he whispered. Nanao stood still and looked down. Oh dear. Somehow she had found herself wearing his shirt which to her made a very nice dress that stopped somewhere around mid thigh. Shunsui, who thought she looked adorable, thought that she would look even better without it.

'NO!' Nanao burst out. This was all wrong, she was not meant to be in this position. She was his lieutenant for crying out loud! She filed his paperwork; she did not under any circumstances have to break bathtubs with him. Before she even knew it herself, Nanao's rulebook came forth, this time with fireproof binding.

Shunsui stared at her, well this was unexpected.

'No,' she repeated, 'You can't have it back not until I've found something else to wear-,'

'Nanao-chan, if I kiss you will you stop hurting my feelings?' Shunsui asked. Nanao stopped mid-flow.

'Eh? Uh...no...,' Nanao didn't have much of a choice and Shunsui crushed his mouth against hers. Nanao, much to her annoyance found that her eyes were closing and her arms were already around his neck.

Nanao took a step back onto a piece of the broken bath, winced and in the process nearly bit Shunsui's tongue in half.

'Gah! Nanao-chan, what are you doing?!' Shunsui gasped, checking his tongue in the mirror. Nanao lifted her foot and grimaced, it was bleeding. Nothing like broken bathroom appliances to spoil a kiss. Shunsui caught sight of her injury.

'Nanao-chan you're hurt,' he said simply. Nanao sighed and lent against the tiled wall.

'I think I'll go and sit on the bed,' she said faintly and made for the bathroom door.

Shunsui stopped her, 'And how do you plan on doing that?' he asked her.

Nanao gave him a no nonsense look, 'By hopping,' she replied.

Shunsui smiled inwardly, that was classic Nanao: stubborn even when injured.

He picked her up bridal style, because he had always wanted to do that but had never found the right moment. Nanao gave up, her resistance futile and fell into a sullen silence as he carried her to the bed.

Mysteriously the bathroom door opened without so much as a creak and Nanao made a mental note to ask Shunsui about this. He plopped her onto the bed and she gave a yelp of pain.

Shunsui looked at the sole of her foot, it had a gash on it, he also noticed that if he tilted his head slightly to the right he could nearly see up his shirt that she had worn.

Nanao thought he was taking his time checking her foot and sat up, resting against the headboard.

'Is it that bad?' she asked. Shunsui's head jerked and he coughed. To try and hide this he quickly wrapped her foot in a clean towel.

'Umm, looks like a nasty cut,' he said, joining her on the bed. Nanao kneaded her forehead with her knuckles; trust this to happen to her. Bad things seemed to happen when she was with Shunsui. That man, she thought, was the meaning of disaster.

When she removed her hands form her face, she was surprised to see his face right in front of hers. He looked as if he was studying her; needless to say it unnerved Nanao.

'Is there something wrong?' she asked him. His eyes were intense, he opened his mouth to speak. He must be serious, Nanao thought.

'Nanao-chan, how about we play a game to take your mind of the pain?' he asked her. Nanao narrowed her eyes.

'It doesn't hurt much,' she replied. Shunsui nudged her hurt foot with his and it began to bleed again.

'What-was-that-for?' she said angrily through the pain. Shunsui put an arm on the other side of her. Nanao was getting worried.

'It's a simple game, you answer the questions I ask you,' he explained. Nanao had the feeling that he was a lot closer to her than he was five minutes ago.

'Ummm...what if I can't answer a question?'

Shunsui smiled at this, 'You have to pay the penalty,' he answered. Nanao gulped. She didn't have to play this game, that much she knew, but for some reason she could not bring herself to say it.

'First question, what is your name?' he asked her. Nanao blinked; surely this must be a trick question?

'Nanao Ise.'

'Correct, next question, which two letters are worth ten points in scrabble?' Shunsui said.

'Q and Z,' Nanao answered, Shunsui was quiet, she was meant to have got that wrong.

'Next question, name the warrior race of women who were famed for their exploits in the Trojan War and were led by a queen?'

Nanao frowned; trust Shunsui to think of a question like this...

'Ummmm,' she began.

Shunsui smiled, 'Ah, you hesitated which means you lose,' he said happily.

He undid the first button of the shirt. Nanao looked down; he'd done it so quickly she hadn't even noticed. He was a button demon and it occurred to her that he had probably undone many buttons in his lifetime. She should really stop him but her foot hurt and she couldn't be bothered to move but it wasn't hard to see why. An undressed Shunsui undoing the buttons of a shirt she just happened to be wearing didn't seem like such a bad idea to her.

'Next question, who is the Roman goddess of love?'

'Uh, Aphrodite,' Nanao said quickly.

Shunsui leaned closer, 'Wrong.' He deftly undid the next button.

Nanao frowned, 'Hold on I thought it was.'

'That's the Greek goddess of love, Venus is the Roman one,' Shunsui explained.

Another button.

'Hey, I didn't do anything,' she muttered.

'You questioned me, so that's just as bad,' Shunsui said.

'You never said that!'

'Well I have now,' he said, undoing another one. Another sliver of skin visible.

'Last question,' he said, their noses were touching.

'Nanao, why are you letting me do this?'

The million dollar question, she thought. When she thought about this, it came down to one simple fact. She had trouble actually saying this though. Nanao looked at him, he had a look of faint amusement on his face. His deep brown, easy going, eyes smiled at her. Why was she suddenly sweating? Why is it that she was finding it so hard to look him in the eye? Maybe she had been so inflamed by her lust she didn't even know what she was thinking.

'Nanao-chan, time's running out,' he said.

It's now or never, she thought.

'I am letting you do this because I...ghlovaeui you,' she choked. Shunsui sighed.

'Wrong answer,' he murmured and kissed her lips. Nanao wanted to kill herself, why was she finding it so darn to say three words? Shunsui leaned back.

'Nanao-chan, when you feel you can tell me why, I'll be waiting because I've already told you how I feel and the fact that you're even considering that you love me back means a lot to me,' he said a half smile on his face.

Nanao felt like the scum of the Earth, when had she ever done something to deserve a man like him?

She grabbed him by the ears and kissed him. She felt it was the least she could do. No, that was wrong, the least she could so was tell him how she really felt.

They broke away, Shunsui kissed her cheek, her jaw, her neck.

The telephone rang and Nanao, reaching out, pushed Shunsui away.

'Hello?' she answered. Shunsui watched her with amusement and kissed her cheek again. Nanao, who was trying to talk down the phone while fending away Shunsui, placed a palm on her captain's chest and tried to push him away but found that he would not move. Irritation flashed across her face but his made Shunsui's smile even wider.

She finally put the phone down and Shunsui kissed her hard on the mouth again. Her head was pushed into the pillow. When she felt as if she could finally speak again Nanao explained the phone call.

'That was the reception,' she said slowly, looking up at him. Shunsui frowned.

'What did they want?' he asked.

'We have to vacate the room by eleven,' Nanao said, Shunsui gave her a look.

'What's the time now?' he murmured.

'It's half ten,' she replied nervously. He gave her a wolfish grin.

'Why are you looking at me like that?' she whispered.

'That gives us plenty of time,' he said.

'To do what?' Nanao asked, but had the feeling she already knew.

'Lots of stuff.'

----

Mayuri stared at the small building.

Why was he even here? He could have left for the Soul Society by now, but for some reason he had wound up in this small square of dry grass. Nemu coughed politely beside him.

The sign at the top of the building read: _Urahara Shoten_

'Mayuri-sama, are you going to go in?' Nemu asked.

'Yes,' he replied irritably, 'Uh, I mean, yes I am,' he added in a much calmer tone. That scroll was having an effect on him, Mayuri was the kind of man who didn't like to be manipulated but here he was, being nice to Nemu lest a paper scroll decided to zap him with lightning.

He entered the shop, his lieutenant following closely behind him. A small red-headed boy stuck his head round one of the stands.

'Can I help?' he asked eyeing the two newcomers suspiciously.

'Yes, I want to know if Urahara-san is here,' Mayuri replied. Jinta narrowed his eyes. Who was this man?

'Why?' he said, Mayuri gave the boy a look of utter disdain. This man had a clear loathing of small children.

'None of your business. Just tell him Mayuri Kurotsuchi is here to see him,' Mayuri ordered. Jinta's eyes widened. Of course he knew about this man and the fact he wanted to see Urahara could only mean bad things. At times like this Jinta wished Tessai was around. As if he had heard Kinta's silent plea, Tessai appeared between the two.

'Can I help?' he asked. Mayuri took a step back, the huge man had appeared out of nowhere and the captain of the twelfth division felt the need put a bit of distance between them.

'Mayuri-sama wishes to see Urahara-san,' Nemu said quietly. Tessai saw the young girl and instantly changed from a menacing to charming personality. He took her hand.

'What a polite young girl, of course you can see the owner, I'll go get him now,' Tessai said. Mayuri felt angry, someone had touched Nemu, he wasn't sure if it was over protectiveness or jealously. Maybe he was just being overly possessive.

Mayuri removed the larger man's hand from Nemu's. 'That's enough of that,' he said, angrily. Tessai looked at him and Nemu found herself blushing for no apparent reason.

'Look, just go get Urahara,' he grumbled. Tessai shot Mayuri a look of distaste; he went away, flashing Nemu a smile. Jinta watched with mild curiosity, he was amazed at how quick Tessai could change his mood.

Ten minutes later Urahara burst into the room. Mayuri bowed.

'Ummm, May-kun, what are you doing?' Urahara had stuck his head under Mayuri's and was gazing at his former subordinate with amusement. Mayuri cursed himself, why was he bowing? Urahara hadn't been his captain in years. He quickly straightened his back.

'Umm, thought I saw a penny on the floor..,' he muttered. Urahara laughed at him and caught sight of Nemu, he walked passed Mayuri and kissed her hand.

'What can I do for you?' he asked in the most gallant voice he could muster. Nemu, not used to all this attention, gave the shop owner a dreamy smile. Urahara threw his arms around her.

'How cute, May-kun, who is this delightful young woman?' Urahara asked, smothering Nemu. Mayuri was annoyed; the fact that everyone had decided that they could just do what they want with Nemu was starting to make him feel uncomfortable. What was worse was that Nemu seemed to be enjoying it. Being called 'May-kun' didn't help either. He was finding it hard to believe that he had once worked under this man.

'She's my daughter,' he replied testily.

Urahara froze. He carefully unwound his arms from Nemu's neck and peered at her face.

'Well...there isn't much resemblance between you two and she has ears,' Urahara said thoughtfully. Jinta looked at the two soul reapers. There was really nothing in common between them. Brother and sister maybe, but father and daughter? No way.

'Who's the mother?' Jinta asked Mayuri. The captain gave the small boy an angry look.

'She doesn't have a mother,' Mayuri explained.

Jinta frowned, he may be small, but he knew where babies came from.

'Did you give birth to her then?' he challenged. Mayuri made a strangled sound.

'Of course I didn't! Do I look like a woman to you?!' Mayuri shouted. Jinta's eyes widened and retreated behind Tessai's back. Urahara grinned; he wasn't stupid and had soon figured out where Nemu had come from.

'She isn't certainly modelled after you, who did you base your creation on?' Urahara asked.

'Umm, uh, no one in particular,' Mayuri answered becoming flustered. Urahara raised an eyebrow.

'Whatever you say, May-kun, but what brings you to my humble abode?' he questioned.

'Just wanted to see how you were,' Mayuri mumbled; his years as Urahara's underling had created some sort of grudging respect towards the man. At any rate Mayuri knew he shouldn't underestimate him. Urahara patted him on the back.

'That's nice of you. I heard of your promotion to captain, but a little birdie told me you were abusing your powers,' Urahara scolded. Mayuri looked at his feet, for some reason this buffoon was able to make him feel ashamed of himself.

'Yeah, it wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be,' Mayuri said weakly.

'Oh really? At some point I think you used to beat poor Nemu daily,' Urahara tutted. Mayuri scuffed the floor with his foot. So what if he had. Nemu lived for him, he was her master, her creator; he could do whatever he damn well wanted to do with her. Right?

'Someone else also told me you liked to dress up,' Urahara continued. Mayuri winced, where was this man getting all his information?

'It isn't dressing up!' Mayuri burst out, 'I wear that for a reason.'

Urahara stared at Mayuri, 'And what reason would that be?'

Mayuri mumbled something unintelligible. Urahara put a hand to his ear.

'Uh May-kun, I think you're going to have to speak a little louder, we don't all have supersonic hearing like some people,' Urahara said. Mayuri swore, he knew about the supersonic hearing too?

'I said, it's because I don't have ears,' Mayuri said a little louder. Urahara tried not to laugh.

'It's got to be more than that,' he replied, 'Maybe dressing up makes you feel more manly?'

Mayuri glared daggers at his old captain. 'It does not, wearing my mask protects people and that white skin/membrane gives me special powers.'

'Protects people from what?' Urahara asked, 'May-kun, you're not exactly the ugliest person alive.'

'I know, but it spoils my image if everyone sees that I'm-,'

'Ruggedly good looking in an I-don't-mind-if-you-don't-have-ears sort of way,' Urahara interrupted. Mayuri's mouth moved but no sound came out. He looked like a fish gulping for air.

'I wouldn't have put it that way.'

'I would,' Nemu said quietly. Urahara beamed at Mayuri.

'See, even Nemu-chan agrees,' he said, happily. Mayuri shut his eyes. Did he just call her Nemu-chan? Only he could call her that. This was all wrong; it was a mistake coming here.

'Yeah but I don't think she's met many guys,' Jinta spoke up. Mayuri took a menacing step towards him.

Nemu coughed, 'On the contrary I have seen many people of the male persuasion,' Nemu said. Urahara chuckled and Mayuri swivelled on his heel.

'What?! What men? Where? I swear I'm going to kill them!' he said angrily. Urahara placed his hands on Mayuri's shoulders.

'Stop being over protective for a minute and think about what she just said, May-kun,' he said in a calm voice.

'She said she saw men,' he Mayuri replied.

'Yes she did. She _saw_ men.'

Mayuri calmed down, what was he even getting angry about? Then he realised that Nemu often spoke in a very literal way.

'Which men did you see?' he asked her, removing Urahara's hands from his shoulders.

'I saw three men on our way here and I have seen many men in the Soul Society...,' Nemu explained.

Mayuri groaned and took Nemu by shoulders. 'Don't worry me like that, be careful about what you say,' he told her.

'Yes, Mayuri-sama.'

'You can call me Mayuri.'

Mayuri was silent for a moment and realised that others had been watching the whole thing. Urahara coughed.

'Oh don't mind us May-kun, we'll just go and make some tea,' he said dragging Jinta and Tessai behind him.

Mayuri removed his hands from her shoulders, going red in the face. There really was no point to this trip.

'Is everything alright, Mayuri?' Nemu asked.

Mayuri stared at her, she had actually called him that though her face betrayed no emotion. It never did. Maybe he should change that.

'Uh, yeah, everything's fine,' he replied and shuffled after Urahara.

----

Second opened his eyes blearily. He gingerly touched the top of his head and groaned. He should have know Third was going to do something like that, he wasn't acting as nearly as gay as he normally did. Second sat up, someone had put him on his bed and he was wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

He realised that he had missed his date and that the other clones had something to do with it.

First was in the kitchen when he walked into the room. The tension in the room rose and Ichigo, who was peeling an orange, quickly left.

'Where is Third?' Second asked once Ichigo had run away. First looked up from his newspaper.

'He's skipping around the garden with a basket of flowers,' he replied flatly. Second frowned.

'Yesterday...I was meant to...,' he said.

First was silent. After a few minutes he spoke.

'Ryoko came around for dinner, but Third told me you were ill so I took your place,' he explained carefully.

'You what?!' Second shouted angrily.

'I took your place and we had dinner together,' First said again, this time much slower.

Second stood there gaping.

'Didn't she notice?' he asked.

First sighed, 'Yeah she did and left in a hurry. My acting is pretty bad, you're too complicated. Apparently you don't swear much...'

'That's only around the ladies,' Second grumbled and swore for good measure. 'And I wasn't ill. Third bashed me around the head, I think he had this all planned out.'

First coughed, 'I don't know anything about that,' he said hurriedly. Second eyed him suspiciously but headed towards the back door.

'Where are you going?' First asked.

'I'm going to have a 'word' with Third,' Second said.

----

The receptionist was having a bad day. Rude customers and overtime were doing her head in. Of all the places she could have worked, why? Why had she chosen a hotel?

However there were some small perks of working in such a high end establishment. This came in the form of the lovely man from room 303. The first words that had come to mind when she had seen this customer was drop dead gorgeous, followed by the crushing disappointment when she caught sight of the woman behind him.

It seemed that all the manly men out there were taken. That didn't stop him from giving the receptionist the odd flirtatious grin every time he walked by.

But alas, it seemed that his holiday was over and now he and his partner were checking out of their room.

The receptionist was having a bad day. It became even worse when the handsome man leaned in so his face was inches from her.

'Uh, yeah, one last thing,' Shunsui said, 'we broke the bath.'

The woman reeled back as if she had been hit around the face. Did he just say _they_ had broken the bath? He didn't look very sorry either.

The cold looking woman behind him frowned.

'_We _did no such thing,' Nanao said whacking her captain with the telephone directory. Shunsui shed a few unnecessary tears. It was if the last half hour had not happened. His Nanao-chan was so mean.

'He broke it when he was...trying to clean it,' Nanao finished. The receptionist looked at her.

'Cleaning?' she echoed.

'Yes, it was not as nearly as clean as he wanted it to be so he scrubbed it really hard,' Nanao explained, 'it was an accident.'

Shunsui flashed a grin at the poor receptionist. She smiled awkwardly back. How could someone break a bath by cleaning it? Something else had obviously gone on.

'Umm, how bad is the damage?' she asked Shunsui.

'Well, it's pretty much demolished, it's all broken, ah I think it'll be better if I show you myself,' Nanao answered for him.

The receptionist led the way while the couple bickered behind her. She tried not to listen. She really did.

'_Nanao-chan, I don't think you really have to show her.'_

_'I think I do, she doesn't understand what you did to it.'_

_'Awww, it wasn't that bad, and it wasn't just me you know.'_

_'Look, I don't really remember what happened that night...'_

_'Nanao-chan, you're a bad liar.'_

_'No, you didn't have to tell her we broke the bath,'_

_'So you do admit that we broke it. Together.'_

_'Who broke the bath is irrelevant. That fact is that it is broken.'_

_'Yeah, by us.'_

It took them a couple of minutes to realise that they had stopped outside their door. The receptionist was staring at the floor and when silence came she opened the door.

The room was relatively clean and the bed made. Nanao had made sure of this.

The receptionist walked into the bathroom; Shunsui and Nanao hung back.

'Brings back memories,' Shunsui whispered to her, looking at the bed.

Nanao found that she could not look at anything without remembering some sort of something with Shunsui. She stared at the carpet.

There was a gasp from the bathroom. The receptionist walked out, her face paler than usual.

'You broke it pretty well,' she said slowly. Shunsui grinned.

'Yes we did,' he said proudly. Nanao frowned and she bludgeoned him on the head with a lamp.

'Was that blood in there?' the receptionist asked.

'Yes, Nanao-chan stepped on some broken piece of bath,' Shunsui explained.

The woman sighed, she wasn't really sure what to do. Sure, if a customer broke something like a lamp or television then they could pay for a replacement. But bathtubs? Who had even heard of anyone breaking a bathtub?

The receptionist caught herself thinking that she was glad the sink hadn't been broken. There was no way she would have been able to explain that to the higher ups.

'Umm, I think I'll go and tell the manager,' she mumbled and hurried out of the room. When she left Shunsui sat on the edge of the bed.

'This is what happens when you tell people you broke their bathtub,' Nanao sighed. This was going to be costly. That much she knew.

'Byakuya didn't react like this,' Shunsui said in an offhand way.

Nanao froze.

----

Third looked in the mirror and sighed. He was now sporting a newly acquired black eye which was doing horrible things to his complexion. Second had been pretty angry and Third, to be honest, thought he had every right to be. He had just spoiled his date and scared off the only girl he had probably ever liked.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. Third opened it.

First looked at him and saw the multiple bruises on the other clones face.

'I take it Second didn't go lightly on you,' he said.

Third was nearly in tears. 'Look what he did to my face. Would you look at it! It's covered in bruises it looks like my face has been crushed,' Third sobbed unable to stop himself.

First patted him on the shoulder, 'Look things will get better, they'll be gone really quickly since we have regenerative powers.'

Third didn't seem to be moved by this, 'It doesn't matter, the fact is that my face looks like a mess. This is the present not the future. I can't go round looking like this.'

'What are you going to do then?' First asked sceptically.

'Do you know where Ichigo keeps the paper bags?' Third asked helplessly. First blinked.

'I know who can help,' he said. Third looked up sharply.

'Who?!' he replied with a mad man gleam in his eye. He shook First by the shoulders.

'Calm down!' First shouted at him and led him downstairs.

Yumichika was looking at himself in the living room mirror. He pouted and the dashing figure reflected back at him did the same thing.

'Oi you!' First said.

'What an unbeautiful way to call for someone,' Yumichika replied.

'I need your help, Third isn't feeling fabulous and needs your help,' First explained.

Yumichika caught sight of Third's face in the mirror and gasped.

'Oh my gosh! What happened to you? You look like one of those ruffian types,' Yumichika said. This comment had its desired effect and Third felt tears course down his cheeks.

'I am not a ruffian! I am a beautiful person,' Third yelled more for his own benefit than anyone else's.

'Keep telling yourself that,' Yumichika muttered.

'Look, would you stop making him feel worse, he's so demoralised he's started looking for the paper bags to cover his face,' First explained.

'Well if I looked like him I would wear a paper bag every day,' Yumichika shot back. Third hissed in a feral way and jumped at Yumichika. First didn't stop him, he didn't have time to referee two undecided men fighting. He heard Second on the phone and decided to eavesdrop.

Yumichika fended away Third's first attack and made a desperate swipe with his hand. It caught Third on the face and he stumbled. They were both sent crashing to the ground.

Third was on top of Yumichika and it was all rather gay.

Ichigo walked into the room and swivelled neatly on his foot and walked straight back out again. He wished people would just stay in their rooms.

Yumichika, being so close to Third, noticed that the bruises were already fading away and that the man underneath was rather marvellous.

'You actually have a good face,' Yumichika acknowledged. Third who was distracted by this compliment smiled at him.

'I know, it is, isn't it?'

'I can see why you got so angry at it being covered in bruises,' Yumichika said in an understanding way.

'I don't think people really understand how much the face means to men like us,' Third said, unaware that he probably misused the word 'men'.

'Could you two get off each other, it's really disturbing,' a voice said.

The two narcissists looked up from their position on the floor.

Ikkaku was looking at them with an expression of disgust on his face. 'Don't wanna break up your little party or anything but if Zaraki taichou walks in on you...' he left the sentence hanging to great effect

Third practically jumped of Yumichika.

'It seems that we have got off on the wrong foot,' Yumichika said as Third helped him up.

'It would seem so,' Third replied and looked at him. He had to admit Yumichika had skin to die for. His skin was healthy looking and Third wondered how he managed this. He made a mental note to ask him about it later.

First walked back into the room and motioned to Third.

'I need your help,' he said quietly.

'What's wrong?' his companion asked, it was amazing that First had actually asked him for help.

'Well Second's going to meet Ryoko and I don't want that happen.'

Yumichika could not help but listen. 'Sounds like you're having girl problems,' he said to First who sighed, he didn't want everyone to know.

'So what if I am?' he said haughtily. Yumichika laughed.

'You don't need to be so defensive, I think I have a way to help you,' he said.

'Oh really?' First said.

'Yes and Third's going to help me.'

'I am?'

----

Mayuri slipped his shoes on. Somehow he had spent most of the day with Urahara and not one thing special had happened. The day had been spent drinking tea and Mayuri was grateful for his strong bladder. Evening was approaching and Nemu stepped into afternoon dark.

Before he too could leave Urahara stopped him.

'May-kun, a quick word,' he said.

Mayuri stopped and turned to his former captain.

'Did you visit the temple?' Urahara continued.

'It was one of the first things I did,' Mayuri replied. Urahara gave him a half smile.

'I think these tasks have changed you,' he said. Mayuri looked at him, had the man gone crazy? He was still the same old Mayuri Kurotsuchi, get on the wrong side of him and prepare to face a gooey death.

At Mayuri's glance Urahara explained, 'I think maybe you have stopped seeing everything as an experiment and that you understand life isn't a science that can be understood or mastered.'

'Where did you get that from?' Mayuri asked.

'As your former captain, I should know what you are like. Whether you want to believe it or not, you're a changed man.'

'You make it sound as if I have suddenly turned religious,' Mayuri replied snidely. Urahara patted him on head, ruffling his underling's already messy blue hair.

'Maybe you have. Try hitting Nemu and you'll find you can't. You have found your emotions,' Urahara murmured.

Mayuri watched Nemu waiting for him. She had her back to him, but there was something there that he could not easily write up in a science report.

'Who needs emotions when you have the cold hand of science,' Mayuri said and Urahara looked at him.

'Haven't heard that in a long time,' he commented.

'You're the one who said it first,' Mayuri muttered.

'I changed and to be honest I prefer who I am now and you should feel the same way too,' Urahara said.

'Emotions get in the way,' Mayuri said.

'Don't deny it, you're enjoying them really.'

'I need a way to get rid of them.' Urahara smiled at this.

'Take up painting.'

-----

They gathered. They were all here.

A week had gone by. So much had happened.

Matsumoto looked around. Here and there people had gathered in what appeared to be couples. Shunsui and Nanao stood together near the Senkai gate and not far from them Byakuya and Hisana were standing. Toushiro and Momo were sitting on an old bench and Unohana and Zaraki were chatting away, those two reminded her oddly of something out of Beauty and the Beast.

Hisgai and Kira were leaning against the low wall and Renji stood with them, no doubt they were trying to console Kira over the loss of his porcupine.

Iba checked his watch, it struck eight in the evening and the gate was activated.

The small alleyway was bathed in bright light. People picked up their luggage and headed for the gate.

Soon the only people left were Mayuri, Shunsui and Nanao.

Shunsui noticed Mayuri's hesitation.

'Scared you're turning into a man?' Shunsui asked him. Mayuri gave him the evils.

'No, I was just trying to think if I had forgotten anything,' he said quickly.

'Sure whatever you say,' Shunsui teased and watched amused as Mayuri hurried through the gate. Only he and Nanao remained.

'Nanao-chan,' he said slowly. Nanao sighed, she knew what was coming next.

'Yes.'

'When we get back...,'

Nanao wondered what he would say next, probably something inappropriate like she should share his bed or something.

' Remember I'll be waiting,' he finished kissing her cheek. He went through the gate leaving behind a very confused Nanao behind.

She could never figure out that man. One minute he's making advances the next he's acting as cool as a cucumber.

That still didn't change the fact that they broke a bath together. Nanao wasn't sure what she was going to do with him. Her throbbing foot brought her back to reality. She shook her head resignedly.

With a quick glance backwards she stepped through the gate that would take her home. Home in the Soul Society.

* * *

**Breaking bathtubs and sinks is manly...so don't be surprised like Nanao when Shunsui said Byakuya didn't mind. **

**He's broken them too.**

**The amazons were the tribe of women...never become inflamed by your lust...**

**Es tut me ****leid. ****Gomen ****nesai. ****Dui ****bu ****qi.**** Sorry.**

**I was meant to ****get this chapter up ages ago**** but for some reason I was really busy. ****Must be the Christmas season.**

**On Saturday Rose and I went Christmas shopping in London. It was going well and then rose sprayed me in the eye with perfume. The same eye I put shampoo in the night before, the same eye that ****Heta**** flicked a hair-band in, the same eye that Jenny poked a fork in.**** There is something wrong with my eye, it attracts trouble.**

**Heta**** at lunchtime was jokes. She managed to make everything she said sound suggestive.**

**Cat: I had hot chocolate with whipped cream  
****Rhea: Yeah whipped cream in those can things is awesome  
****Heta****: I **_**have whipped **_**cream**

**For some reason the way she said it made it sound wrong...**

**I have recently found out that**** the manly bleach characters mak****e me really hungry. Today while watching an old ****Bount**** episode that had copious amounts of Byakuya in it I started to feel really hungry...I was also drooling but I swear that had nothing to do with it.**

**Rose has stopped calling me ****M'lady**** Coconut. This is very sad. Hopefully you won't have to wait ages for the next chapter since my exams are now over. ****YAY and YOP.**


	46. In Sickness and in Health

**GOOD MORNING!**** SEASONS GREETINGS...Christmas is an excuse to eat loads**

**Apparently according to Wikipedia Ukitake suffers from tuberculosis which is like totally curable...**

**I'm sorry I don't think this one is going to be that funny, I need to get some tasks done otherwise this story will never end.**

**Mayuri is a**** cook and he makes a mean cheesecake. Zaraki makes better a gateau though.**

**Dedications go to ****Kimsa****Ki-Lurria**** and Psycho-Neurotically Disturbed.

* * *

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Chapter 45

Ukitake didn't like needles, so when Mayuri asked him for a blood sample to help with the ninth task he was less than happy.

He couldn't remember how many times he'd had an injection, he shuddered at the thought. Those thin pointy pieces of metal only sucked the life out of you.

There was, however, a sense of hope. Maybe Mayuri could finally end this curse that he'd been forced to carry. If there was one thing Jushiro had learnt, it was that you should never get your hopes up because you'll only be disappointed.

Steadily over the years his illness had got worse. The fourth division couldn't do anything about it and told him it was a matter of time.

It was just a nice way of saying you're gonna die whether you want to or not.

Jushiro sighed and got up from his desk, he thought it was best not to keep Mayuri waiting lest he decided to use a bigger needle than necessary.

He was nearly out of his headquarters when he was apprehended by his two third seats. Here we go again, Jushiro thought.

'Sir, we heard you were going to have a blood test and we thought that we might come along and give you support,' Sentaro shouted even though his captain was less than a foot away from him. Kiyone frowned.

'That's not true sir, _I_ heard you were going and _I _suggested that we help you,' the other third seat interrupted. Ukitake gave them a tired smile.

'I think I can stand one injection, I don't really need help...,'

Sentaro and Kiyone looked mortified. 'But sir, we insist, we know you don't like needles,' they said in perfect synchronisation.

Jushiro quickly looked around, 'Look, could you be a bit quieter, I don't want everyone to know.'

'Our deepest apologies Ukitake-taichou!' they yelled together.

Jushiro covered his face with a hand, 'Just stay here and look after everything, I won't be gone long,' he ordered.

Both officers saluted and noisily accepted their next command.

Ukitake thought it was time he got himself a lieutenant.

----

Kira sneezed. His office had become dusty while he was away. Gin's chair was even dustier since Kira refused to sit in it even though he was an acting captain.

There were also huge piles of paperwork stacked haphazardly on his desk and on the floor. He sighed; today was going to be a long day.

There was a knock on the door and Shuhei walked in.

He sneezed.

'Woah, it's like this place hasn't been used in years,' he commented, cautiously stepping over a pile of paper.

'It's going to take me ages to make this place look normal,' Kira said despairing.

Hisgai ran a finger over the arm of Gin's chair and frowned.

'Umm, there's like an inch thick layer of dust on this chair, don't you sit on this thing?' he asked Kira.

Kira stared at him. 'What are you doing?! You can't touch that chair. It's not yours!' Kira said frantically.

Hisagi looked at the younger man. 'Umm, Kira, this is your chair now. Gin isn't your captain anymore.'

'It's called being loyal,' Kira mumbled, 'Do you sit in Tousen's chair?' he added.

'Yeah, I sit in there all the time...I do everything in that chair. It's mine,' Hisagi explained and Kira looked horrified.

Shuhei sighed, 'Look, I'm going out for patrol, do you want to come, you look like you need some fresh air?'

Kira tore his gaze away from the vacant chair.

'Ok.'

-----

Ukitake didn't realise what was happening till he was on the floor.

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember. The sky had been clear, he had decided to walk to the twelfth headquarters but how had he ended up on the floor?

Then he heard it, the sound of his own heart. It was beating erratically, his lungs refused to draw breath.

Jushiro coughed and choked in panic, forcing his body to take in air. His limbs grew heavy and he became faintly aware of the red stains on the clean tiles. Was that his blood?

He hadn't remembered coughing up blood. To be honest he couldn't remember anything, his mind felt sluggish and it occurred to him that he was probably going to die.

Ukitake caught himself thinking that he didn't really want to die but in the end it wasn't up to him.

Maybe if he stayed calm someone would spot him. Jushiro nearly laughed, he'd taken a scenic route that hardly anyone used; wishful thinking wouldn't help him now.

How do you stay calm when you're lying on your front in your own blood, when even your own body has given up on you?

Jushiro didn't know that answer to that question and he didn't have much time to think about it because just then his heart stopped beating.

----

Mayuri flopped into his chair. He was back in his normal body and was glad for it. He didn't much like the fact that everyone could see his real face.

What was talking Ukitake so long?

He checked his watch again and frowned. Mayuri had said to meet at eleven; he was now almost an hour late.

Mayuri looked longingly at the needle he was going to use, he hadn't done anything remotely like an experiment in ages and he had begun to miss it. Nemu sat silently in a corner of the room. Before she could speak a hell butterfly flew through the window, it hovered by Mayuri's desk.

_Captain Mayuri please report to Unohana's office immediately._

'What on earth would she want?' Mayuri thought out aloud.

'I don't know,' Nemu replied.

'That was a rhetorical question,' Mayuri muttered.

Mayuri waved the butterfly away and made for the door, Nemu silently followed.

Since it was a warm day there were many shinigami about and Mayuri noticed that as he walked down the streets that he was getting many stares.

Wait, no, that was wrong, not him, but Nemu. He was amazed at how he hadn't noticed this before. When he and Nemu walked past people looked up from whatever they were doing, Mayuri also noticed that most of the stares were coming from men. Surely they wouldn't be so bold to actually _look_ at her while he was right next to Nemu. Weren't these men afraid of him?

If they weren't afraid to look at her what else might they do?

These unpleasant thoughts ate away at Mayuri for quite some time. He stopped. He had to know. Why were they all looking at Nemu?

Mayuri stopped suddenly and Nemu bumped into him.

'Is something wrong Mayuri-sama?' she asked. So we're back to Mayuri-sama, he thought.

He looked Nemu up and down. She had on her trademark vacant expression and she talked like a robot. Mayuri failed to see why she would draw stares. Then he looked down again.

His eyes nearly bugged out. Had he really allowed her to wear that shorter skirt? No wonder the men stared at her.

Why hadn't he noticed this before?

'Uh, Nemu from tomorrow onwards you'll wear a skirt that covers your knees,' Mayuri said, who was feeling rather strongly about this.

'My apologies for disappointing you Mayuri-sama,' Nemu replied. Mayuri was thinking disappointment didn't have anything to do with this.

'And I don't want you to leave the headquarters after nine in the evening,' he added.

'As you wish, Mayuri-sama.'

'Umm, and if you do go out make sure you're back before nine in the evening,' Mayuri said quickly.

'Yes, Mayuri-sama.' Mayuri looked at Nemu who had brought out a notebook and was writing his orders down.

'Anything else Mayuri-sama?' she asked. Mayuri stood there. For some reason he had no doubt that Nemu could defend herself, he had built her that way. He just felt the need to put his mind at ease. No dog of a man was going to take advantage of his Nemu.

If anyone did, he'd come down on them like a ton of good looking gloop.

----

Kira and Hisagi were making their way back to the Seireitei. Nothing had come up from their patrol except the few squabbles and routine fights that seemed to break out every day. It seemed like they were having good weather and the two men decided to stop for tea as a reward for their hard work.

Kira sighed contentedly. This was the life. No Gin mentally torturing him and no Zaraki breathing down the back of his neck because of that porcupine.

The porcupine.

Hisgai saw his friend deflate and decided to find out what was wrong.

'What's the matter?' he asked. 'You're not thinking about that porcupine again are you?'

'Don't speak about him as if he was a bad thing,' Kira snapped.

'We don't even know if it was a 'he',' Hisgai mumbled, 'I thought you had gotten over him...I mean it.'

Kira looked at him with soulful eyes. 'I thought I had too. I can't stop thinking about him...' he sniffed.

Hisagi thought he was going to cry and tried to comfort him. 'Well at least you're remembering all the good times you had together.'

Kira's eyes were rimmed with red, clashing badly with his guy-liner, 'I can only think of his body smeared on the road.'

'Oh.' Hisagi wished he hadn't said anything. He paid for the tea and left the shop, Kira shuffling behind him.

They walked in silence. Suddenly Kira stopped. Hisgai walked a couple more steps before realising his friend wasn't following.

'Kira, what's the matter?' he asked. Kira said nothing but ran in the opposite direction that they were meant to be going.

Hisagi chased after him.

Kira hurried down alleyways. After a while he stopped and Hisagi nearly ran into him. They had arrived on the other side of the district, there wasn't much here except for a small green clearing and a lake.

'Where the hell are you going?' Hisgai shouted angrily.

'I thought I saw it...,' Kira said quietly, almost as if he were speaking to himself.

'Saw what?'

Something moved in a bush nearby. Shuhei gripped the hilt of his zanpaktou.

Renji jumped down from the sky.

'Abarai!' Kira said surprised.

'What are you doing here?' Shuhei asked.

'Well, I was just walking when I saw you two and I thought I'd go and see what you were up to,' Renji explained.

'You were just running away from Byakuya-taichou, weren't you,' Hisagi said in an accusing tone.

'He's in a bad mood,' Renji muttered. The bush moved again and snorted.

All three men turned to the bush.

'Did that thing just move?' Renji asked cautiously, withdrawing Zabimaru form its scabbard. Kira walked up to it. Shuhei and Renji were behind him.

This time the bush squealed and something jumped out.

Kira caught it in his arms.

'Oh my God! Don't tell me that's...,' Hisgai stared at the bundle in Kira's arm.

Renji poked it with his sword. It quivered and raised its spines. Needless to say Kira was in tears, more from the pain than happiness.

'It's the porcupine,' he said.

'You have to be kidding,' Hisgai said, 'of all the places he could have ended up, he came to the Soul Society.'

Kira cuddled the animal and the other two watched bemused.

'Don't any of you think this is so wrong,' Hisagi asked. Renji backed away, no one was meant to like a porcupine this much. No good could come of it. This left Kira to answer.

'No.'

----

Unohana led Mayuri and Nemu to a large room at the end of a corridor. They stepped through the doorway and Mayuri froze.

'He doesn't have long,' Unohana said.

The room had a hushed feel and Mayuri didn't answer. He went up to the bed.

Even when unconscious Jushiro Ukitake looked like he was in pain. His hair didn't seem so white and Mayuri could have sworn he saw something that looked like dried blood on the side of the captain's mouth.

'His heart stopped but we were able to restart it, his lungs gave failed completely,' Unohana explained.

'Do you know what he suffers from?' Mayuri asked.

'He has tuberculosis, a resistant type...,' she didn't have to say anymore for Mayuri to know that there wasn't a cure.

Mayuri sighed. He had banked on the fact that he didn't have a time limit to this task but it seemed that he was going to have to hurry.

'I would like for the captain to be moved to one of my labs,' Mayuri instructed. Unohana was about to argue when Mayuri looked at her.

'It seems that I am his last hope, so I will do whatever I can to save him. Don't interfere,' he said curtly. Unohana sighed and ordered some officers to move the thirteenth captain from his bed.

----

In his lab, Mayuri found it much easier to work, the lights were low and the hum of computers made him feel better. He had a plan; he was just hoping it would work.

His plan was essentially to replace the lungs of the captain. This would at least give him more time for a total cure. All he had to do now was grow some lungs. For someone like Mayuri this wasn't exactly very difficult. Replacing the old ones would be the hardest part.

Mayuri hadn't felt like this in a long time. He was finally doing what he did best. Science.

'Mayuri-sama,' Nemu cut through his thoughts.

'Yes.'

'The new lungs are ready,' Nemu said.

'Take them to the body, I will be there shortly,' he ordered. Nemu left.

Mayuri wrung his hands together. Normally he didn't mind if experiments went wrong. The things he was testing on were expendable. A Quincy here or there didn't make much difference. This time he didn't have a choice. He had to save this man. It could not go wrong.

Mayuri was thinking that he needed a strong drink but if he accidently cut open the man's stomach instead of chest because he was drunk he wouldn't know how to explain it to the others.

He took a deep breath and went to Jushiro.

----

Shunsui sat in Mayuri's office his head in his hands. In the end Unohana had told him, but by the time he had reached the twelfth headquarters Ukitake was already being treated. Nanao had come with him because she felt it was the least she could do. Those two were inseparable, she thought, best friends since forever.

The mood was grim and the air heavy. Nanao knew there wasn't anything she could say or do to make him feel any better.

A half hour of uncomfortable silence later, Mayuri walked into the room. He was surprised to find the captain and lieutenant there but sat heavily in his chair.

Shunsui looked up.

'The operation was a success...,' Mayuri began.

Shunsui gave a sigh of relief.

'...but the worse is yet to come,' Mayuri continued.

'What do you mean?' Nanao asked. Mayuri looked at her.

'I replaced his lungs which means I've bought myself some time so I can find a cure for his disease,' he finished.

Shunsui scratched his chin, 'How long is that time?' he asked.

'His disease is in its final stages so it won't take long for it to destroy these new lungs, I'd say no more than a couple of days.'

'Is he awake?' Shunsui asked.

Mayuri looked at him, 'Yes he is, but I would prefer-,'

Shunsui left the room.

'He's not in the listening mood is he?' Mayuri mused.

Nanao turned to him, 'He might not look it but he is grateful for what you've done.'

'Don't be thanking me too soon,' he replied.

'I'm sure you'll be able to think of something,' Nanao said. 'Things would be so much easier if it was poison then we could have got Soifon to just suck it out with her Suzumebachi.'

Nanao left the office hurrying after her captain.

Mayuri thought over Nanao's last words an idea already forming in his mind.

----

Ukitake sat up when Shunsui walked in. Nemu was looking at a chart and when she saw the other captain walk in she tactfully left. Shunsui watched her leave. If there was ever a woman that was resistant to his charm it was Mayuri's lieutenant.

'How are you feeling?' Shunsui asked sitting next to the bed.

'Better than ever,' Ukitake said weakly.

'I thought you were gonna die,' Shunsui said quietly. Ukitake looked at him.

'I probably would have, but it's not so bad now,' he said.

Shunsui sighed, 'those new lungs of your won't be working after two days.'

'I know, but it doesn't matter. I have full confidence in Mayuri's abilities.'

Shunsui snorted, 'I wouldn't trust the man with my pet lizard let alone my life.'

'You still have that lizard?' Ukitake asked disbelievingly.

'We've been together for fifty years,' Shunsui said proudly.

'I thought you told Yamamoto that it had died,' Ukitake said.

'I only said that because Old Man Yamamoto didn't like it. It's not in your best interest go against that guy.'

'He had good reason to hate it...he just ate, slept and defecated everywhere,' Ukitake said.

'That sorta sounds like me except for the defecating bit,' Shunsui replied.

Their conversation was interrupted by Mayuri waltzing into the room wielding a huge injection filled with clear orange liquid.

Ukitake paled so much that it was hard to tell where his face started and his hair ended.

'W-what's in that thing?' he asked a bead of sweat coursing down the side of his face.

'Oh, this?' Mayuri asked, waving about the needle, 'It's just orange juice...I couldn't find a glass anywhere.'

Ukitake gave a sigh of relief and then frowned. Who uses injections to drink juice out of?

Shunsui was wondering what Mayuri used when he didn't have any dishes.

Mayuri reached into his pocket and pulled out an even larger injection. Ukitake gulped. Shunsui wondered how deep Mayuri's pockets really were.

'Tell me that's just the tea,' Ukitake pleaded.

'No, sorry, this is medicine, just the standard stuff,' Mayuri said, Ukitake thought he didn't look very sorry.

Shunsui looked at the needle. 'Where are you going to shove that thing?'

'Your anus,' Mayuri said bluntly. Ukitake could have fainted, he needed some sake.

'In the planet?' Shunsui asked confused, clearly not keeping up with the conversation.

Mayuri twitched, 'NO! I said your anus not Uranus.'

'Same thing,' Shunsui muttered cleaning his ear with a finger.

'Can't you just put it in my arm or something?' Ukitake asked. Mayuri couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Mayuri loved needles.

'No, it has to go into your rear-end now roll over,' he ordered.

'You're a cruel man,' Shunsui commented, enjoying every bit. Mayuri cackled.

'I know.'

----

Kira sat in Gin's chair.

It was a momentous occasion for him.

He had wiped away the dust and paperwork that had made a home on the seat.

And then he sat, just sat. Kira thought it was going to be harder.

He didn't feel guilty at all. Today was the day he was going to forget the past and start over with the new.

What had brought on this change in mood? Maybe it was because he had found his porcupine again.

Renji walked into the room and Kira jumped out of the chair.

The red haired man frowned, 'Were you just sitting on Gin's chair?'

Kira mumbled something, 'Uh...no...umm...I was just seeing if it still worked...'

Renji looked at the other man, he raised an eyebrow, 'It doesn't matter if you sat in his chair...I guess it's yours now anyways.'

Kira passed a hand over his face. For a moment there he actually thought that Renji had been Gin bursting through the door. It was turning out to be harder than he had previously thought to let go of the past.

'You gave the porcupine your desk?' Renji asked incredulously.

Kira beamed, 'Yes I did; he really likes it.'

'Yeah I can tell, he just pooped on it,' Renji muttered.

Kira pouted, 'Hey, don't be mean, is there a reason you came?'

'Oh yeah,' Renji thought for a moment, 'No there wasn't really.'

The truth was Renji felt it was necessary to check on the younger man occasionally, especially with that porcupine around. Renji had a feeling that it was evil. He and Hisagi had drawn straws to see who would check up on him. Renji didn't mind playing older brother, but that porcupine was up to something. It had a hidden agenda. It looked at him. Renji took a step back.

Kira looked at him, 'Yeah, well, you can go now if you want.'

Renji left the office. Next time Hisagi could go.

----

Mayuri frantically flicked through papers, Nemu was typing code into a computer.

'Ah ha!' Mayuri shouted after a while. Nemu looked at him. He hurried over to her.

'I think I've found a cure,' he said happily throwing his arms around Nemu, crushing her as he did so.

'Uh Mayuri-sama...,' Nemu squeaked.

Mayuri stopped spinning her around. 'Yes?'

'You're choking me,' she gasped. Mayuri quickly let go and coughed.

'Yes well, I was really happy,' he mumbled, as if trying to justify him hugging her.

'What's this about a cure?' Shunsui asked. Mayuri swivelled around.

'I thought I told you to go home already,' Mayuri said.

'Yeah well, I didn't feel like it,' Shunsui shot back. Mayuri grunted and went back to his papers.

Shunsui ambled over, 'You said something about a cure.'

'Hmm, you have your 'Nanao-chan' to thank for that, I am going to attempt to draw out the harmful bacteria with a large needle injection.'

Shunsui tapped him on the shoulder.

'Two things Mayuri, only I can call her Nanao-chan, and two, Ukitake's not going to like that. More needles?'

Mayuri scowled, 'He shouldn't care about the fact I'm using needles. I'm saving his life.'

'If it was that simple why haven't you tried it before?' Shunsui asked.

Mayuri tapped his foot impatiently, 'The fourth division doesn't take kindly to experimental ideas and I wouldn't have bothered to do something like this if it didn't have anything in it for me.'

'Harsh words,' Shunsui mused out loud.

'It's irrelevant now...' Mayuri muttered, 'I'm doing it now.'

'How long will it take to make this injection thingy?' Shunsui asked.

Mayuri walked over to a large computer which was linked to a large glass tank. He lifted the lid and steam billowed out. Shunsui waved a hand in front of his face.

'Was that necessary or was it for a dramatic effect,' Shunsui coughed.

'A bit of both,' Mayuri said truthfully.

He reached into the container and brought out a lethal looking injection, there was a small pressure gauge on one side and a small panel of buttons on the other. Shunsui winced. It looked nasty. Just thinking of that going into him made him feel like running off to Nanao and whimpering.

'Baby,' Mayuri muttered.

'Huh?' Shunsui replied.

'You were talking out loud you idiot.'

'Oh.'

Mayuri sighed and wheeled the injection away on a small cart. Shunsui stood in front of him.

'Are you going to move?' Mayuri asked.

'I think we should knock Ukitake out before you actually go in there. He'll take one look at the needle and refuse treatment.'

Mayuri mulled over this.

'I think you're right.'

Mayuri went back to the table and picked up a white cloth.

'What's that for?' Shunsui asked.

'I'm going to cover the injection with it.'

'Good thinking Batman,' Shunsui said.

'Indeed,' Mayuri replied, who had no idea who Batman was.

'What are you going to knock him out with?'

'Anaesthesia,' Mayuri replied as if this was obvious. Shunsui pouted, he had wanted to surprise Ukitake by whacking him on the head.

They took an elevator to one of the underground labs where Ukitake was staying.

Ukitake glanced at them. Was it him or were they looking a little shifty?

Shunsui sat next to him and grinned. It put Ukitake on edge.

'We found a cure,' Shunsui said. Ukitake swallowed.

This is the part when they tell me the only way it'll work is if they neuter me, Ukitake thought, those two really look as if they were hiding something.

'Just don't look down,' Mayuri said, maniacal smile on his face.

Ukitake was getting a bad feeling about this.

Nemu walked into the room holding a clipboard.

Jushiro hadn't even noticed the pinprick on his arm, the drug coursed through his veins. His eyelids began to droop.

'Count backwards from ten,' Shunsui said. Ukitake ignored him and fell into deep unconsciousness.

Mayuri took out the large injection from under the cloth. It glowed menacingly in the low light.

Shunsui watched as Mayuri plunged the contraption into Ukitake's chest. Mayuri drew back the plunger slowly. The tube was soon filled with a greeny-grey substance that Shunsui had never seen before. He removed the needle from Ukitake's body and placed it onto the trolley.

The injection started to whistle alarmingly. The pressure gauge's needle was well into the red section. A crack appeared on the tube.

Shunsui took a step back. 'Woah, Mayuri don't you think it's time you put that somewhere safe.'

Mayuri swore. He narrowed his eyes deep in thought. Tuberculosis was highly contagious as a raw substance which meant that if the vessel was compromised he was in big trouble. The stuff he had collected was the disease at its worse; it could probably kill someone in less than a day. Jushiro was lucky to have special fortified lungs fitted into him. He had to get disease into another container. Otherwise they could all end up with the disease the only problem was that they were underground with no help to speak of nearby.

'Nemu we need a container!' Mayuri shouted. Nemu looked around helplessly. There was nothing they could use.

A brainwave struck Mayuri. What if they used a person?

Rapidly more cracks appeared on the side of the tube. He only had a few seconds before it would blow.

One side of his brain was arguing that the best person he could put it in was Nemu: the one person in the room who wouldn't try and stop him.

He lifted the large injection carefully. Shunsui backed away

'You're not actually thinking about re-injecting that into someone are you?'

Nemu looked at him, she offered up her arm. Mayuri stopped in his tracks. Did she actually expect him to inject her with a lethal disease?

'Mayuri you're not that evil,' Shunsui said to him.

Shunsui mumbled, might as well be a hero, especially so Nanao could see, 'Mayuri inject it into me.'

Mayuri looked at him, for some reason he couldn't help thinking that if Shunsui died he wouldn't be able to explain this to Nanao.

As soon as the bacteria hit Mayuri's bloodstream he felt instantly weak and fell onto his knees. The huge injection stopped flashing and the pressure gauge fell.

Nemu knelt beside her captain, 'Mayuri-sama?' she asked, with what Shunsui could only interpret as a hint of worry.

Mayuri coughed up some blood; it spattered against the dark floor of the underground lab.

Shunsui helped him stand, 'How does it feel?'

'It's a lethal disease. How do you think I feel?' Mayuri rasped.

'I was talking about being a hero,' Shunsui muttered and placed one Mayuri's arms around his shoulders. Nemu did the same and they half carried half dragged the captain of the twelfth division to an elevator.

Once they reached the ground level a technician ran up to them.

'The scroll has crossed out the ninth task,' he said.

Mayuri glared at him, 'That's nice, now get me a cure for this damn disease!' he shouted at the technician.

The man scrambled away.

'That wasn't very nice,' Shunsui said as Nanao ran up to them.

'What happened?' she asked clearly worried.

Mayuri leant against the wall.

'I cured Ukitake,' he mumbled. Shunsui tutted.

'Not only did he cure Ukitake, he actually contracted the disease himself,' he explained.

Nanao tried to absorb all this information. 'You mean he sacrificed himself,' Nanao said.

'Erm...well...it wasn't that amazing,' Mayuri said modestly, he was going to say something else but was interrupted by a bout of coughing.

'He's probably going to die soon,' Shunsui said, 'Hey, Mayuri who do you want at your funeral?'

'Oh shut up,' Mayuri gasped. He wasn't going to die. He was Mayuri Kurotsuchi and he had a lot to live for.

He just couldn't think of anything at the moment.

----

Mayuri was at a loss.

It would take at least a few weeks to create another injection that was stronger than the last one. On top of that he wasn't sure that was the best idea anymore.

Mayuri couldn't remember the last time he'd had a fever. He just didn't get those anymore. Unfortunately one of the symptoms of tuberculosis was fever and joint pains and Mayuri had been confined to his room for the rest of the day. He was sitting at his desk when someone knocked on the door.

Ukitake walked in.

'Shouldn't you be resting?' Mayuri asked.

'Actually, thanks to you, I feel fine. You on the other hand...,' Ukitake trailed off.

'I feel fine too,' Mayuri lied.

'I came to ask you for something,' Ukitake said.

'And what would that be?' Mayuri wondered.

'I want it back.'

'What back?' Mayuri questioned although he already had a pretty good idea.

'Give back my disease.'

Mayuri snorted, 'You don't know how silly that sounds.'

Ukitake stared at him, dead serious, 'Mayuri I mean it. This isn't fair on you. I want it back.'

'I can't give it back, I don't have a way to give it back and trust me if you wanted it back that much I'd be more than happy to give it to you.'

Ukitake sighed, 'Did you know it was going to turn out like this?'

'Of course not, I would never jeopardise my life to save yours,' Mayuri said angrily.

'That wasn't very nice,' Shunsui replied from the doorway, 'And here I was actually thinking that I might trust you with the life of my pet lizard.'

'You have a pet lizard?' Mayuri asked, momentarily thrown off.

'It's a long story,' Ukitake mumbled as Shunsui sat next to him.

'Do you people get your jollies by inviting yourselves into my room and annoying me?' Mayuri demanded, he wasn't in a good mood and these two weren't making him feel any better.

'Pretty much,' Shunsui answered.

Mayuri groaned and buried his face in his hands. At this rate he really was going to die. He wondered if Nemu would miss him, probably not, he hadn't been much of a role model to her.

'You're making him feel worse,' Ukitake said quietly.

'Doesn't matter, he's going to die,' Shunsui replied.

'Could you stop saying that?' Mayuri asked.

'Well, it is the truth. Maybe you should start thinking of actually making a cure,' Shunsui explained.

Mayuri blinked. He stood abruptly and ran out of the room leaving the other two captains stunned.

'Maybe he needed the loo,' Shunsui said.

----

When Nemu saw her captain careering towards her, she thought she should dive out of the way. Then she realised that behind her was a bank of computers so if she moved out of the way Mayuri would have crashed into them.

He probably would have hurt himself and she couldn't have that.

Mayuri had found that once he had started to run he could not easily stop and so he ploughed into Nemu and they were both sent tumbling to the fall coming to a stop in a crumpled heap in front of the computers.

Mayuri couldn't move, his legs felt heavy and his arms were clumsy. Nemu looked up at him.

'Mayuri-sama are you ok?' she asked him.

'Err, yes, I just need some help getting up,' he mumbled. Shunsui and Ukitake arrived and picked the captain off of Nemu. Mayuri hurried over to a computer and began to type furiously.

'I have found a cure,' he said excitedly before any of the others could speak.

'Really?' Shunsui asked, 'So you're not going to die?'

'Precisely,' Mayuri answered and he tapped Nemu on the shoulder.

'Bring me that canister over there,' he asked, pointing to a row of shelves. Nemu brought it over and Mayuri linked it to the computer.

'Forgive me if I feel a little lost,' Shunsui began.

'I am reprogramming the gas from my Bankai to target the tuberculosis cells, and then I'm going to pump it around my body,' Mayuri explained quickly.

'That's quite a good idea,' Ukitake praised.

'I know,' Mayuri muttered.

His heart hammered painfully in his chest as he hurried to a lab with air tight capabilities. No need to gas helpless people.

Nemu set the air lock gave the thumbs up to Mayuri who was already in the room. He connected the canister to a pump which was attached to a large needle. Shunsui and Ukitake winced.

Ukitake wanted to faint as he watched Mayuri insert the needle into his wrist. Shunsui rubbed his own wrists just to make sure they were still there. Nemu just watched.

Mayuri had never pumped gas around his body and found it wasn't very pleasant. It was sort of like being light-headed and heavy limbed at the same time. He felt his knees buckle beneath him and he twitched on the floor.

'Is he ok?' Shunsui asked, who thought this looked all rather creepy.

'He is fine,' Nemu replied, who was watching without batting an eyelid.

'Good grief,' Ukitake mumbled, trying not to look.

Finally the purging came to an end and the door hissed open. The three shinigami rushed in and surrounded Mayuri.

Shunsui poked him with a foot. 'Is he still alive?'

'I hope so,' Nemu said placing some smelling salts under Mayuri's nose.

He jerked awake and burped. The other three recoiled.

'Have you any manners man!' Shunsui said to him.

'Pardon me,' Mayuri said in a faraway voice, 'It seems as if the gas has penetrated my lungs and stomach.'

He hiccupped and Shunsui sighed in relief. 'Well at least you're not dead.'

They helped him stand.

Someone passed wind.

'Is someone going to own up to that one?' Shunsui asked pinching his nose shut.

Mayuri shuffled his feet, 'It seems as if the gas may have penetrated the bowel system too.'

Shunsui stepped away from him, 'Yeah, no kidding.'

* * *

**Yay****, finally another task completed. Only four more to go!**

**I think Kira sneezing is the cutest thing ever...maybe not as cute as Byakuya in a Santa suit but pretty close.**

**Kira has a Gin complex me thinks. **

**Rhea had an ultra weird dream a few days ago. So I was looking through a magazine that had TV listings and stuff when I turned the page and there was like a Christmas special with pictures of all the cooks who were going to have a programme on. So then right next to ****Nigella**** Lawson was...guess who...Mayuri and to make things even weirder he was balancing a yellow melon on his head. Even in the dream I was like WTF. **

**It is manly to cook though, so I guess it's ok if he has his own cooking show. The melon just made it downright odd.**

**We find out why Byakuya is in a bad mood in the next chapter...That porcupine's a wily one. He is evil, the devil incarnate. Probably find out about Byakuya's bathtub breaking days too.**

**Psycho-Neurotically Disturbed**** showed this awesome picture of the bleach cast being manly and all that...except Toushiro's head got in the of Byakuya so we couldn't see his manly chest...you could see Zaraki's though...he has a manly chest big enough for two people. I put the picture on the ****photobucket**** thingy, just go to my profile.**

**So it's like Christmas and I hope you have a good one and get lots of presents and stuff and you like eat lots and stuff like that...yeah...**


	47. What Does Kinky Mean?

**GOOD AFTERNOON!**

**By the time this actually gets up it will have been Christmas already so like Merry Christmas!**

**While checking over the last chapter I noticed that Ukitake's lungs refusing to draw breath was rather like some people's bowels refusing to let them go to the loo. Constipation is more likely to happen at Christmas and it is like really nasty so remember to chew your food properly and stuff...and don't eat too quickly.**

**I need help with the twelfth task. The first one I came up with was 'fall in love' but then I realised that Mayuri was so incompatible that the only way for that task to be completed was to have him fall in love with me and we'd run off into the sunset together.**

**That wasn't the sort of ending I wanted...although I wouldn't mind.**

**So if you have any ideas please tell me.**

**Dedication goes to Mayu-lover

* * *

**

Chapter 46

_Yesterday_

Hisana was ill. When Byakuya first found this out he was scared.

He had offered to stay with her but she told him to go to work otherwise everyone would find out he was a big softie. Byakuya didn't really care.

In the end Hisana won, saying it was only probably badly cooked food and Byakuya went to work. However he still had a messenger from the manor come every day to tell him how she was.

On the third day of her illness the messenger told him that Hisana was feeling better and no longer was being physically sick.

Byakuya's mood improved. He dismissed the runner and continued his paperwork.

Renji thought that Hisana's illness was rather mysterious. He tapped his chin thoughtfully and drummed his fingers on the desk.

'Stop making that annoying sound,' Byakuya ordered him and Renji quickly sat on his fingers.

'Taichou, I was wondering, what was actually wrong with Hisana?' Renji asked. Byakuya didn't even look up.

'She was feeling sick and had an upset stomach,' he explained.

'I see,' Renji murmured to himself. 'Do you know what it was?'

Byakuya frowned; he didn't really see the point of all these questions. He would soon find out though.

'No, we don't know what it was.'

Renji was silent for a while and Byakuya was grateful for this.

'Maybe she's pregnant!' Renji burst out.

Both men froze. Byakuya frowned.

Oh crap, Renji thought, had he actually said that out loud? Maybe reading women's health magazines when he was bored wasn't a good idea.

'What makes you think that?' Byakuya asked the ink brush gripped tightly in his hand.

'Well...her illness is sort of like morning sickness...,' Renji mumbled. He wished he hadn't said anything; Byakuya in a bad mood was not the best thing in the world. How did Renji even know what morning sickness was?

Renji felt there was a storm brewing somewhere in the vicinity over his captain's head. He made a hurried excuse and ran out of the room.

Byakuya did not move a muscle. Hisana was not pregnant. That was just wrong.

But then again it was entirely possible she was pregnant.

Byakuya had a rational mind but the thought of him having children gave birth to very irrational thoughts and although his face was perfectly impassive on the outside, inside chaos reigned.

He couldn't stand little children, they came in numbers. They ate, slept and defecated everywhere, rather like Shunsui's pet lizard. They also cried and made inhuman sounds, Byakuya felt a little sick himself. He thought of himself as a passable husband, but father? He didn't even know where to start.

Yachiru was fine, she wasn't like other children. He would give her candy and she wouldn't annoy him. It was an unspoken agreement. Other children however would only come back for more, the way seagulls do when you give them your chips.

Byakuya forced himself to take a deep breath. There was nothing to worry about. He would just wait till work was over then ask Hisana subtly if she was indeed with child.

There was no need what so ever to go _now._ That would just be silly wouldn't it?

He was an intelligent man. He did not need to rush home to ask if his own wife was pregnant. She would have told him already if something big like that had happened.

Then Byakuya realised something. If she _was _pregnant and he did become a father, how long would it be till a few more little Hisanas and Byakuyas appeared?

This thought ate away at him for a long time.

He still thought he shouldn't hurry home. He didn't want to look worried.

The ink brush snapped.

----

Hisana thought it was rather odd that Byakuya would come home before the work day was out. Indeed, he hadn't waited till the afternoon but arrived at around lunchtime.

She heard the commotion in the hallway. The servants were surprised by their master's early return, no doubt, Hisana thought.

Whatever had brought him back from work this early must be important.

Byakuya walked quickly to the table she was kneeling at and sat next to her. Hisana frowned and studied his face, to be honest she thought he looked more ill than she did.

'Is something wrong?' she asked.

'No,' Byakuya said. 'I just wanted to see how you were.'

Hisana while feeling a little flattered knew there was something else.

'The messenger said you were feeling better,' he continued.

Yes, Hisana thought, which gives you even less reason for coming here.

She poured him a cup of tea and he drank it in one gulp. Hisana watched with mild amusement. There was definitely something wrong.

She leant her head on his arm. As soon as he felt the weight his whole body tensed. He scooted away from her.

Okay, Hisana thought, not only is something wrong, he's actually running away from me.

Hisana sighed and thought she'd get to the bottom of this.

Before she could say anything Byakuya spoke.

'Are you pregnant?'

His eyes widened. He hadn't meant for the words to come out like that, it was as if they had a life of their own. It was one of those rare times Byakuya actually surprised himself.

Confusion passed over Hisana's face and she gaped wordlessly at him.

'What brought that about?' she asked after finally finding her voice.

'I was just...wondering,' Byakuya said quietly.

'Is this was what this was all about?' she said to him.

'All what?' The look on Byakuya's face made Hisana want to burst out into laughter but she knew he wouldn't react well to this.

'Skipping work, drinking boiling tea in one go, running away from physical contact with me...,' Hisana counted them off on her fingers. Byakuya scowled at her.

'I did not _run._'

'Umm, don't you trust me enough to know that I would tell you something like that and anyways you just about make a passable husband, to be honest I wouldn't trust you with a child,' she teased and inched closer to him. Byakuya's face returned to normal and he looked a little ashamed.

'I do,' he began, Hisana gave him an encouraging look and he sighed, 'Just blame it on Renji.'

'What does he have to do with it?' she asked utterly confused.

'He said your illness was like morning sickness,' Byakuya explained. Hisana found it hard to believe that Renji actually knew what that was.

'And you believed him?' she questioned, Byakuya normally didn't even listen to what his lieutenant had to say, what made him believe him this time?

'It made sense, there was no reason why you couldn't be,' he went on. She poured him another cup of tea and he sipped it slowly.

'You just don't want to admit you were really scared by the thought of being a father,' Hisana teased and he glared at her, eye glinting dangerously. She didn't have the heart to tell him that the glare wouldn't work on her. It just made her love him even more. That or she was consumed by her lust for him.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Byakuya was about to leave for work again when Hisana decided to speak.

'Do you hate children that much?' she asked. Byakuya didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know she was being serious.

'Not so much hate more like...repulsed,' he replied in a small attempt to cheer her up. She gave him a weak smile.

'The problem with that joke is that I'm not sure you think it is one,' she said, 'You really don't like them do you?'

'Not at all,' he confessed. She busied herself with the teapot. Byakuya thought it was time to return to work.

'I think I'll be going,' he said. He stood up and when Hisana didn't answer he turned to look at her and stared. In that moment she looked so forlorn, so alone that he found that he could not leave her.

He went over to the table and kissed her. Hisana was so surprised that she squeaked. Once he had broken away from her he smiled at her.

'I did not think you could make a sound like that,' he mused. She was confused at his sudden change in mood.

'Umm, I thought you were going to work,' she mumbled, not that she had anything against him staying any longer.

'I thought that I've already been gone quite long so they won't miss me if I stay,' he whispered and kissed her again.

She kissed him back, deeper than before and before she knew it they were sprawled out on the floor.

'You know at this rate, I might very well become pregnant,' Hisana said.

Needless to say Byakuya was out of that room so fast that Hisana could've sworn he was using shunpo.

-----

_Present day_

Nanao frowned in her sleep. Something smelt wrong.

She opened her eyes and found that she had fallen asleep at her desk. Again. This had all started after she had come back from their little vacation, she had gotten so used to sleeping and indeed sleeping next to 'him' that she wasn't used to being back in the Soul Society.

Her neck cracked as she straightened it out. She looked over to her captain's desk and she saw that he was making a tower with a pack of playing cards.

She walked over and slumped into a chair facing him.

'Taichou, I think we need to talk,' Nanao said. Shunsui seemed not to be listening and he carefully placed another card on his tower. Nanao sighed; this was going to be more than difficult.

'Were you listening?' she said a little louder than before. Shunsui gasped and clapped a hand to her mouth.

'Nanao, shhh, silence is needed for this operation,' he whispered and placed another card on the structure. She removed his hand because when he touched her she found that she lost focus easily.

An anger mark made itself known and she slapped her hand on the desk. The cards tumbled down and Shunsui screamed in horror.

'Oh my God! Nanao-chan, what are you doing?!' he cried, striking a dramatic pose with the back of his hand on his forehead. Nanao beat him down with her trusty and a little crusty book.

'We need to talk,' she said seriously. Shunsui picked this up and sat up in his chair eagerly.

'What is it?' he asked, 'Are you pregnant and I'm the father.'

Nanao gave him a deadpan look.

'Oh oh, I know, you're pregnant and I'm not the father, in which case you better tell me who is so I can kill him.'

Shunsui after confessing his love for Nanao still thought it was ok to tease her, except now it was on a whole other level, Shunsui knew everything about his Nanao-chan.

Nanao sighed; after one night together Shunsui had managed to learn almost everything about her and seemed to have her whole body mapped out. To the scar on her right elbow to the birthmark on her left bum cheek, Shunsui knew it all. This made Nanao feel uneasy as if every time she looked at him she was laid bare, this also meant his nonsense was harder to put up because now it got a lot more personal.

'None of that, what I meant to say before you interrupted is that it's your turn,' Nanao said.

'My turn to do what?' Shunsui asked coyly, 'To make the bed?'

Nanao was finding it hard to keep down the urge to just beat the brains out of this man.

'We have separate rooms,' she said slowly.

'That fact is something I would like to change,' he said sincerely.

Nanao looked at him and then scowled. Oh no, she thought, she wasn't going to fall into this trap. He was just trying to get off topic.

'It's your turn to clean it,' she said and Shunsui's face fell. He thought he'd been able to trick her. Next time I should just perform the dance of manly excellence, that would definitely make Nanao distracted, he thought.

Nanao reached under his desk and brought out a large tank. The smell became more pronounced and Shunsui wrinkled his nose.

'That's pretty nasty,' he muttered, looking inside it. 'It looks like it hasn't been cleaned in a week.'

'It hasn't: we were on holiday and no one else knows about it,' Nanao said with a smug smile on her face.

The lizard stared at them and Nanao went into the store cupboard bringing out cleaning materials, she dumped these on the desk.

'Have fun,' she said.

----

The next day Ukitake thought he might go and visit Shunsui, he was also curious to see how big the lizard had got under Shunsui's care.

He knocked on the door and heard a muffled 'enter'.

He walked in and was surprised to see that every window was open even though it was quite chilly outside. Shunsui was snoozing at his desk and Nanao was filling in paperwork at hers.

'Why are the windows open?' Jushiro asked confused.

Shunsui jerked awake and looked blearily at him, 'I had to clean the tank it hadn't been cleaned in a week and it took all night,' he explained as if this made everything clear.

'You mean the lizard tank?' Ukitake asked with interest. He looked around the room, 'Where is it?'

Shunsui sighed and took the tank from out under his desk. The glass clinked gently against the table surface and Ukitake peered into it. The lizard was lying very still.

'Well he certainly looks very...colourful...,' Ukitake said. Shunsui tapped the glass fondly.

'I know I did it all by myself.'

The creature stared at Shunsui. If the lizard was wondering who had dressed it up in a pink, flowered haori and a small straw hat, he was staring at the right person.

'Did your really have to give it a straw hat?' Ukitake asked.

'Of course, I think he looks really cute, almost like a mini me,' Shunsui replied proudly. Ukitake stared at his friend. It was nothing like him at all, it was a lizard.

Nanao sighed and walked over to the two men.

'It's just about time to feed it,' she said and dropped a few strips of meat into the tank. The lizard instantly came to life and attacked the food viciously and drank from a small water bowl. Almost instantly after doing this it excreted its waste.

'That creature either has a really efficient digestive system or you're feeding it laxatives,' Jushiro said.

Nanao sighed, 'The only reason it does that is because that isn't water in the bowl it's sake, but the captain won't listen to me.'

Shunsui whimpered at being referred to as 'the captain'. 'Sake doesn't make me go to the loo...,' he mumbled.

'Yes but that's a lizard,' Nanao pointed out.

There was another knock at the door and Toushiro, Matsumoto and Momo entered.

'Awww, what a cute little lizard,' Matsumoto cooed who had rushed over to the crowd straight away. Toushiro while more reserved looked at it with mild interest.

'That's an interesting pet, I didn't know we were allowed to keep them,' he said. Matsumoto quickly turned to him.

'Oh, oh, taichou can we get one? Pretty please,' she begged, going over all the clothes she could make it wear.

'Technically we're not meant to, but the general doesn't know so I don't think it matters,' Shunsui explained.

'Oh, who dressed him up? I think he looks adorable,' Momo commented and Shunsui beamed.

'Of course it was I,' he said, 'I brought him up for fifty years...not once have we been apart.'

Momo was impressed and looked at the lizard again, if you gave it a beard, it did look sort of like Shunsui.

Nanao whacked him with her book, 'Don't get carried away, I helped you.'

Shunsui rubbed his head where she had hit him; he was sort of expecting her to hit him less since they were 'together'. Nanao didn't want anyone to know and thought she'd better act normal and whack him plenty.

The door to the office opened again and Renji and Byakuya walked in. Matsumoto turned to them.

'Oh, Byakuya taichou, congratulations,' she waved happily at him. Renji cringed, he knew he shouldn't have told Matsumoto about yesterday.

Byakuya's eyes narrowed and the temperature in the room dropped. 'Congratulations for what?' he asked.

'Renji told me that Hisana was pregnant,' Matsumoto explained as if this was obvious. Everyone in the room froze and stared at Byakuya. None of them wanted to say anything but they were all trying very hard to imagine Byakuya burping a baby.

'Did he now?' Byakuya replied thinking that he had a fresh stack of paperwork with Renji's name written all over it. Renji as if feeling the bad vibes from his captain joined Shunsui and had a look at the lizard.

'Yes,' Matsumoto went on, 'He said that Hisana had morning sickness and that you went to see her in the middle of day and stayed there for ages.'

'Hisana isn't pregnant,' Byakuya said. Matsumoto seemed to deflate a little.

'She isn't?'

'No,' Byakuya was very happy to say this. Matsumoto had been looking forward to playing with a small child which she wouldn't be respnsible for.

'What about Renji?' Matsumoto asked.

Byakuya flicked a glance at his subordinate who shuffled behind Ukitake so he could hide himself.

'Renji was merely confused,' Byakuya said, 'But in future I warn him to watch what he says otherwise there will be _consequences_.'

Renji stiffened, he didn't need to be clever to realise that his captain wasn't just talking about extra paperwork.

Shunsui walked over to Byakuya and patted him on the back.

'Don't worry, I don't need children to be happy because I have a pet,' he said and Byakuya stared straight ahead, his eyes boring holes into the wall.

'I hardly think they can replace your own children,' Byakuya said dryly.

'I thought you said you were a family man,' Nanao said, she was standing behind her captain.

'Uh...um...yes I did say that...hmmm...if it was you then I would be more than happy to have children,' Shunsui said quickly.

'That's not what you said when you found out that we would be sleeping in the same bed,' Nanao muttered and froze. The crowd was silent. Damn, she hadn't meant to say that aloud. Nanao hadn't told anyone that they were sleeping a double bed, only Ukitake knew.

'Ah, that may be so, but,' Shunsui turned back to Byakuya, 'Pets are a lot more reliable and they don't mess up the house _and_ you definitely don't have to burp them,' Shunsui continued, trying to change the topic, only because he knew Nanao would thank him for it.

Byakuya was thinking that he might get a pet for Hisana when the door opened again and Kira, Hisagi, Mayuri and Nemu walked in. The office wasn't quite big enough and a crowd was clustered around the small tank.

'What are we all looking at?' Mayuri said after fighting his way to the front of the horde of people.

'We are looking at an Agama agama or as it is more commonly know, a rainbow lizard,' Nemu answered. Mayuri thought he would have been able to tell if the lizard hadn't been wearing a pink haori and straw hat.

'So this is Shunsui taichou's pet lizard,' Hisagi said to Kira. He felt uneasy about this pet business. Kira had one and now so did Shunsui, nothing good would come of it.

Kira was carrying the porcupine in his arms and it sniffed at the tank suspiciously. The two creatures locked gazes for a moment and some sort of understanding was passed between them. They were probably thinking that they had fools for owners.

Hisagi frowned after watching this he had become a little creeped out and thought he would talk to Renji about it later. Somewhere near the back of the crowd Toushiro was berating Matsumoto.

'No we cannot have a pet,' he said grumpily.

'But Kira has one,' Matsumoto whined.

'They come with a lot of responsibility,' Toushiro explained.

'I can handle that,' his lieutenant replied. Yeah, for about a week, Toushiro thought.

Matsumoto suddenly grabbed him by the shoulder and stared at him with soulful eyes.

'Please, taichou, please just do this one thing for me,' she said with earnest. Toushiro couldn't help but gape, what had come over her? Did she really want a pet that badly? He also wasn't used to her being this close and he was getting a generous view of Matsumoto's acres of flesh. I will not blush, he told himself. Toushiro wanted to run away.

'Umm...uh...I'll think about it,' he said quickly and Matsumoto instantly reverted back to her old self and gave him a crushing hug. Toushiro found that after Matsumoto had let go he was breathing rather hard as if he had been doing a hundred meter sprint. One of Yachiru's comments wormed their way into his mind and he immersed himself into the crowd trying desperately to think of something else.

Momo watched fascinated as Shunsui lifted the lizard out of its tank, he plopped it onto his desk. It scuttled around and climbed onto the desk lamp.

'What is his name?' she asked him.

'I haven't really thought about it but sometimes I call him Kiki,' Shunsui replied.

Renji who was at the back of crowd frowned, 'Did you just say kinky?'

'No, I said Kiki,' Shunsui said more loudly.

Momo and Kira were deep in thought.

'What does kinky mean?' they asked in unison.

The crowd was silent and Toushiro who was standing next to Momo coughed.

'Er...well...it means...,' Toushiro mumbled something, getting quieter and quieter but Momo could have sworn she heard the words 'whip' and 'handcuffs'.

'Shiro-chan, why aren't you telling Momo what it means, don't you want to leave this crowd and do kinky things with her,' Yachiru hissed in Toushiro's ear. He jerked forwards and swivelled around.

With Zaraki's bulk added to the room the office seemed to be getting much smaller and Nanao flattened herself against a wall. Yachiru was hanging off the young captain's shoulder.

'Where did you come from?' Toushiro mumbled hoping Momo hadn't heard.

'I still don't understand,' Kira said and Momo agreed.

'The term kinky means to show or appeal to bizarre or deviant tastes, it can also be defined by the term perverted practises,' Nemu explained. People turned and gave Mayuri dark glances.

'What do you teach that girl?' Ukitake asked. Mayuri glanced uneasily at the crowd which had turned on him.

'Uh..well...she was programmed to learn and umm...I think she read a dictionary once,' Mayuri tried to explain.

'Still, to let her know all about that...stuff,' Shunsui said, 'What sort of father are you?' Nanao thought that Shunsui shouldn't be the one to talk since he probably wasn't a good father either.

It took time for Mayuri to think of an answer for this one but he was saved by Kira and Momo.

'That didn't make much sense,' they said.

Shunsui sighed, 'Look just forget you ever heard the word.'

Momo and Kira looked at him doubtfully. 'But I want to know what it means,' Momo said.

'No you don't,' Toushiro said and dragged her from the room. Everyone watched them leave.

'Where's he gone off to?' Matsumoto asked.

'Probably to teach Momo the meaning of kinky,' Yachiru answered. Kira looked up.

'Hey, why didn't he take me?' he asked running after them. There was silence.

'Shouldn't we go after him?' Hisagi murmured.

'He's a growing boy,' Shunsui said. 'Let him have some fun.' This is why Nanao thought he would be a bad father.

After a while the crowd, having taken a glance look at the lizard, left the office. Nanao sighed, she was glad to have the office back but couldn't help but think that now she was all alone with Shunsui. She shivered and closed the windows.

Normally Nanao wouldn't mind being alone with her captain, but now things between them were undefined and had no limit. She returned to her chair and tried to finish her paperwork. She tried because Shunsui was lying on top of her desk.

'Uh, taichou, would you mind getting off, please?' Nanao asked doubting that he really would. She was right and Shunsui didn't move.

'I think you need to say something,' he said facing her. Nanao racked her brains trying to think of something to say.

'Let me help you,' Shunsui continued, 'Two words, first one begins with't' the second one begins with 'y'.'

'Why do I need to thank you?' Nanao said, standing up.

'Well I did subtly change the subject when you inadvertently told everyone we shared a bed,' Shunsui explained and Nanao sighed.

'I guess so, thank you,' she said in offhand way while trying to tug a form from under Shunsui.

'Aww Nanao-chan, that wasn't a very good thanks,' Shunsui complained. The paper ripped and Nanao was sent flying into her chair. She could feel a migraine coming on and decided to end this quickly.

'What do you want me to do?' she asked. Shunsui looked at her. Was she really going to do whatever he said?

'Uh how far are you willing to go,' Shunsui said with a sly smile, sliding off the desk.

Nanao didn't catch the smile since she was sorting the papers strewn across her desk, he would probably want a hug or something. However when she looked back on this moment she had to admit that this was wishful thinking and she scolded herself for answering the way she did.

'However far you want to go,' she replied.

Shunsui grinned.

* * *

**Rainbow lizards are have blue scales on their body and red scales on their head...or is it the other way round...I can't really remember...**

**Mayuri goes well with cheesecake and apple pie...I found that out yesterday. Also Byakuya does not burp babies...he has people do it for him...**

**Byakuay would be the manliest daddy around...except maybe Zaraki...**

**That lizard and porcupine are devil incarnates...but I need to give them names...I am bad at naming things...**

**That chapter was not so long compared to the other ones, but it doesn't matter.**

**I hope you all had a nice Christmas**** with lots of bathtubs**** because I ****did...not the bathtub bit****...but I got money...which is like awesomeness...**

**Anyways, I don't know what will happen in the next chapter and I don't know if I'll be able to get it up because school starts next Thursday...which is not so good.**

**Momo and Kira are like the most clueless people ever. That 'what does kinky mean?' question was based on the personality of one of my school friends who reminds me of Momo except she isn't pathetic like Momo is.**

**I****f you have any ideas for the last task or pet names just say so...****this story has to end at some point so yeah...**

**I am useless...I can't think of any poems...****gah****...I'm such a bad person.**


	48. Frisky in the Office

**Yay****! Happy New Year everyone!**

**Sorry I haven't updated but it's the busy time of the year and all the stuff. ****The next chapter will be a task but this one is just normal.**

**I had my ****german**** orals the other day and it went pretty badly...the teacher would ask me a question and I would just be silent then she would suggest something and I would repeat what she said and then she would laugh and then I would laugh to.**

**Rose wasn't at school that day...she was probably trying to avoid it...**

**My whole oral just contained lots of laughing about how bad I was...darn it.**

**Dedication goes to PsychoNeuroticallydisturbed...I so spelled that wrong...sorry...because she came up with an awesome name for the porcupine thing...**

**So now for the first chapter of the year...

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Chapter 47

_Karakura Town_

Ichigo was a happy guy.

Nobody ate his cereal.

Second's raw meat stopped disappearing from the fridge.

Ichigo didn't wake up in the morning to find Zaraki sleeping on his kitchen table anymore.

Even better, there was no porcupine going through his cupboards.

The thing that cheered Ichigo the most was the fact that Byakuya wasn't breathing down his neck, observing every little thing that he did.

This particular morning however it seemed that things weren't strictly back to normal.

Ichigo walked into his kitchen to find the three clones eating breakfast. Ichigo grumbled something under his breath and stomped over to the cereal cabinet. Great, he thought, the clones are still here.

Second, when he saw Ichigo enter the room, stuck his leg out and tripped Ichigo up.

'What was that for?' Ichigo shouted at him angrily.

'I just wanted to see your reaction, it cracks me up every time,' Second replied, shoving a whole piece of toast in his mouth. Ichigo thought it would be messy to kill him right here so decided to take it like a man and moved on.

'That wasn't very nice,' Third said to Second who was nibbling daintily on his own toast.

'Being nice isn't fun,' Second muttered, chewing noisily.

First looked up from his newspaper and frowned, 'Chew with your mouth closed.'

Second swallowed and grabbed another piece of toast and crammed it into his mouth. First looked at him.

'I asked you to chew with your mouth closed,' he repeated. Second glared at him and narrowed his eyes.

Rukia walked into the room and rubbed her eyes sleepily. She stared at Second.

'Could you please close your mouth?' she asked. When she woke up in the morning the first thing she wanted to see wasn't half chewed toast slowly turning to mush in Second's mouth. He instantly did as Rukia said and smiled at her. Ichigo gave him the evils. First went back to his paper.

'He's not going to listen to you. I mean, you did knock him out and take his place at his date,' Third said to him.

'Don't forget you are the one who knocked him out,' First reminded him and Third tutted.

'Small details like that don't matter,' he replied and tipped the juice carton into his glass.

'Hey Ichigo, go and get some more juice, we've run out,' Third called out.

Ichigo's head popped out from over a cabinet, 'Why do I have to do it?'

'Because we're your guests and you can't expect guests to buy food for themselves.'

'But the food _is _for you,' Ichigo argued and Third sighed.

'You make a useless host Kurosaki, just go and get some juice,' Second taunted. Ichigo growled and launched himself at Third because fighting Second meant getting hurt.

Rukia sighed; boys were silly things when you thought about it. She winced at the screams and watched in bemusement.

Ichigo grabbed Third's hair and yanked it. Third let out a high pitched wail. Second laughed; they were fighting like little girls.

Third tried to claw at Ichigo's face and managed to scrape his cheek. Ichigo hissed and kicked Third in between the legs but for some reason Third didn't seem to bothered by this and returned the favour. Ichigo crumpled into the floor but still managed to grab Third's hair again.

Byakuya walked into the room when Ichigo, for lack of a better word, was straddling on top of Third, his hands around the clone's throat. It took Ichigo a few minutes to realise that they were being watched. He looked up and Byakuya stared back.

'Uh, hi?' Ichigo said meekly. Byakuya looked away.

'Nii-sama? What are you doing here?' Rukia asked.

Yes, Ichigo thought, why are you here? Go away.

Byakuya found a clean glass and reached for the juice carton.

'I left my toothbrush in the room I was staying at. After collecting it I thought I would come and see how you were,' he explained, and in a rather disappointed way put down the carton when he realised it was empty.

'Couldn't you have just got a new one?' Ichigo asked having gotten off Third. Byakuya looked at him as if he were dirt.

'No.' Byakuya wasn't about to explain to Ichigo of all people that the toothbrush he had left behind was his favourite one. He also didn't want to say that he just wanted an excuse to scare Ichigo because this was his idea of fun. He was also secretly looking for pet ideas and since there weren't pet shops in the Soul Society he had been forced to come to the real world.

Ichigo frowned, for some reason he couldn't imagine Byakuya doing something normal like cleaning his teeth. He figured the plaque just disintegrated as soon as it came in contact with the captain's mouth.

'What were you doing?' Byakuya asked.

'Ummm, playing a game,' Ichigo answered. Byakuya gave him one of those looks that told him he wasn't buying it. First looked at him; glad for some sane company.

'Help yourself to food and tea,' he said to Byakuya. He gratefully took a seat and took pleasure in watching Ichigo squirm.

Third looked in a mirror and gasped, his hair was a mess and there were also small bald patches where Ichigo had ripped out his pink hair. Third was going to make him pay.

Before he could say something rude to Ichigo Byakuya spoke.

'Kurosaki Ichigo.'

Rukia nudged Ichigo.

Ichigo was getting a bad feeling and if there was ever a time to be scared this was it, 'Yes,' he squeaked.

Second could have sworn Byakuya was smiling or even actually enjoying this.

'Get some more juice,' he ordered.

A bead of sweat trickled down Ichigo's face and Rukia had to step in his foot to remind him to answer.

'Yessir.'

----

_Soul Society_

Momo followed Toushiro. Where he was leading her, she didn't know but he didn't look very happy.

He had just grabbed her and dragged her out of the room. Maybe he was going to explain the meaning of the word kinky, in which case she didn't really mind if he was dragging her.

Toushiro found an empty room and shut the door behind him.

'Momo, we need to talk,' he said finally. Momo looked at him.

'What about?' she asked.

'Well...uh...what I meant to say...is that...you should just ignore what other people say...especially Yachiru,' Toushiro explained. Momo's eyes widened.

'Why?' Momo asked.

'Because she talks a lot of trash,' Toshiro said.

'I don't even understand half the stuff that comes out of her mouth,' Kira replied.

Toshiro and Momo turned their heads quickly. 'Kira? What are you doing here?' Momo asked surprised.

'Yes, what are you doing here?' Toshiro asked not at all happy for being interrupted.

'I thought you were teaching her the meaning of being kinky,' Kira answered truthfully. Toshiro grunted.

'So did I,' Momo said. Toshiro sighed.

'I wouldn't have left the door unlocked if I was going to do that,' Toshiro said.

'Why?' Kira asked.

'Look. I didn't drag you out here to teach you what kinky meant, I just wanted to talk to Momo-in private,' Toshiro said grumpily.

'Oh,' Kira said sadly. He had been so sure that he was going to find out what it meant.

'If you really want to know what it means just find out for yourself,' Toshiro suggested. Kira perked up at this.

'Really? Where can I find it out?' he asked eagerly.

'Uh...' Toshiro didn't really know how to answer. He had just been trying to get rid of him. He just wanted to be alone with Momo for five minutes. Was that so wrong with that?

'Go to the library,' Toshiro said, it was the only place he could think of where Kira would probably get lost in. Maybe if he was lucky a stack of books would fall on him.

Kira bowed, thanking the captain and ran out of the door, the porcupine in his arms. Toushiro turned back to Momo who was looking rather wistfully at the door and sighed.

'You want to go to,' he said, 'I only said go to the library because it was big and he would get lost in there.'

'That wasn't very nice,' Momo said.

Toshiro dismissed this, 'As I was saying don't listen to what people say about us because someone has spread rumours.'

'About what?'

'Us,' Toshiro replied.

'What about us?' Momo asked densely. Toshiro slapped a hand to his forehead.

'That we're 'together'.'

'But we are together,' Momo said confused.

'No, we're not...they mean that we're an item,' he explained.

'Ummm, we're people not objects.' Toshiro was getting annoyed.

'They mean we're lovers! They think we're going out! They think we're in love!' he burst out. Momo looked at him in shock.

'Aren't we?' she asked. Toshiro looked at her amazed; he was wondering if he heard correct.

'What?'

'I thought we were in love,' Momo said absentmindedly.

'Uh, no we're not-I mean we are, uh, well, I thought...,' Toshiro could feel himself going red in the face, when did Momo start thinking they were in love? He trailed off into silence and he turned to Momo who was staring out of a window. He walked over to her.

'When...err...did you think or...erm...feel that you were in...love?' Toshiro asked cautiously.

Momo smiled at him, 'Since I went to that therapist,' she explained, 'At first I had a bunch of confusing feelings but the doctor really helped me sort them out.'

Toshiro was thinking that he'd better get the number for this doctor.

'Do you really love me?' Toshiro asked, for some reason he was dreading the answer.

Momo was going to answer when Kira burst into the room. Toshiro wanted to bash the poor boy's brains in at that point. Kira looked as if he had been running hard after taking a few gasps for breaths he spoke.

'Where's the library?'

----

Once Kira had left Toshiro was alone. Momo had decided that her love for him didn't rate as high as finding out what kinky meant and the two lieutenants had left together.

Toushiro mumbled something and leant his head against the wall. What was he going to do now? He remembered there was a stack of paperwork waiting for him and he made his way back to eighth division office to pick up Matsumoto only to find a hurriedly written sign hanging on the door.

_'__V__ERY BUSY COME BACK TOMORROW' _was scrawled messily on a scrap piece of paper stuck to the door and Toushiro frowned. It sounded like they were moving furniture or something. He thought he heard a book case fall over and he wondered if he should go in and help.

Whatever was going on in that room he was pretty sure he didn't want to go inside, but then again they did sounded like they needed help.

And so, against his better judgement he opened the door to the office.

Toshiro froze in the doorway. It didn't take him long to realise what he was seeing.

'Gah I'm sorry! I was err...errr...I was just leaving!' he said and quickly shut the door.

He couldn't help but think that if Kira and Momo were around they would have found it very educational.

----

Instead of learning about what Shunsui and Nanao did in their spare time Momo and Kira were trying to find out what kinky meant.

They both flash stepped their way to the huge building of the spirit library. Toshiro had been very reluctant to give him directions to the library and Kira was wondering why.

Was it so wrong that they wanted to know what kinky meant? It couldn't be that bad. They arrived at the library and entered with hushed voices. Kira was about to wander off into the aisles when a librarian came up to him.

'We don't allow _that_ kind in here,' she sniffed imperiously at him and pointed at his porcupine. Kira was taken aback and looked more offended than the porcupine did.

'Hey, don't be a meanie, it has a name,' Kira retorted quickly to defend his friend. The porcupine stuck its chin out and tried to look haughty. Look at me, it thought, I have a name-I don't know what it is but it's probably a really cool one.

'Oh, really,' the librarian replied snootily, 'That _thing_ is an animal and I shall not tolerate it being here.'

'Stop calling it 'that thing'. It's called Terry and it has feelings,' Kira said angrily. The porcupine froze in his arms. Terry? Whoa, something was wrong here, surely Kira wasn't talking about him?

Momo frowned beside him, 'When you call it Terry I don't know if it's a boy or a girl porcupine.'

Kira looked at her and smiled. 'That's the whole point.'

The librarian sighed, 'Look I don't care if it's called Tom, Dick or Ramses. I don't want it in here!'

'Who's Ramses?' Momo asked. The librarian gave her a shocked look and was about to say something but Kira interrupted.

He gasped, 'Haven't you been listening? Terry isn't called any of those names,' Kira turned to the porcupine and stroked its head, 'Don't listen to the horrible monster lady, she's just being silly,' he cooed.

The porcupine wasn't listening. It was pretty angry about being called Terry and it puffed out it spikes in its owner's face. Kira let out a squeak and dropped the creature. Terry turned up his nose at him and ran off in a huff.

The librarian cried out in terror, 'Oh my God! You just let loose a wild animal in the library, precious documents are at risk!'

Kira didn't really mind but was a little upset since Terry had attacked him, he wiped his nose with his sleeve and Momo patted him on the shoulder. 'Don't worry Kira-kun we'll find him together,' she said and Kira perked up.

'He couldn't have gone far,' she continued and pulling him by the sleeve led him in the general direction that the porcupine had left in.

----

Nanao stared at her desk and found she could not look at it with a straight face or indeed look away without the urge to just throw it away and buy a new one. Somehow, Nanao knew exactly how but denied it, they had broken one of the table legs so now the desk was tilted to one side. To make things worse Toushiro had walked in on her and Shunsui, she thanked hre lucky stars that at the time the captain had walked in they were behind the desk and not on top of it. That would have made things a lot more complicated.

Shunsui was whistling away at his own desk and caught sight of his lieutenant looking at the table intently.

'Something wrong, Nanao-chan?' he asked her.

Nanao glared at him, eyes flashing dangerously. Shunsui seemed unaffected.

'My desk...,' she began and left the sentence hanging.

'Yes, your desk what?' Shunsui said.

'I want a new one,' she said after a few minutes silence. Shunsui looked at her oddly.

'Why?'

'This one is...this one has...been used...too much,' she finished and Shunsui grinned at her.

'Is that your reason? We've only just made memories on that desk and you want to get rid of it,' he replied feigning hurt. Nanao was thinking that was exactly why she wanted to get rid of it, she wouldn't be able to concentrate on paperwork otherwise. She placed a palm on the desk's surface. It was still warm. The desk had to go.

Shunsui watched her and sighed, 'If you wanted a new desk that much, I'd get you one but ummm...our budget is a little tight at the moment,' Shunsui explained weakly. Nanao sighed, Shunsui blew their squad's money on drinking parties and sake and she was the one who had to pay in the end. She slumped dejectedly in her chair, avoiding contact with the table. It's not that bad, she thought, if she got another desk it wouldn't be long before Shunsui suggested they 'break it in'. However these thoughts didn't really cheer her up much.

Maybe all it needed was a good clean.

Nanao scrubbed at the table for a good ten minutes before she thought it was useable again. Shunsui had watched in faint amusement, if Nanao-chan cleaned the table they would just have to do 'it' all over again. Shunsui thought that Nanao could clean that table as much as she wanted.

Nanao, unaware of the less than innocent thoughts of her captain, cleared away the cleaning materials and finished the remaining paperwork.

The minutes ticked by.

'Taichou?'

'Hmmmm?'

'You're staring at me.'

'Hnnnh, was I? Sorry, you're a very distracting person Nanao-chan,' Shunsui said. Nanao was less than impressed, knowing him he was probably undressing her in his mind. She scowled at the paper in front of her. Thoughts like that would get her nowhere. Her captain ambled over and plopped into a seat on the other side of the desk. Nanao tried to keep her face still; she felt like running away. Ok, so there was a desk between them but that didn't mean much, that desk wasn't her ally, it was a part of the problem.

'Nanao-chan,' Shunsui whispered, 'What are you thinking about?'

Nanao wanted to disappear, 'Nothing,' she replied.

'I don't think that's true,' Shunsui murmured and Nanao sighed angrily.

'Since you already think you know what I'm thinking why don't you tell me?' she muttered,

'I think that you want to dirty up the table again,' Shunsui said leaning in. Nanao groaned.

'I really don't,' she said. You couldn't be further from the truth matey, she thought. She put a hand on his shoulder and tried to push him away.

'Why not?' he asked pouting, 'Don't you want me?' Nanao thought that was really unnecessary and once again he was he was far from the truth.

'Someone might see us. Again,' she explained.

'I don't care.'

'Well I do.

'Why?'

'Because I don't want to be known as Little Miss Slutty McSlut Slut who sleeps with her captain in the office and the storage room,' Nanao explained.

Shunsui stared at her as if he couldn't quite believe he had heard Nanao of all people say that. She normally didn't give a damn what people said about her.

'I don't think we've been in the store room,' Shunsui said. Nanao shut her eyes and sighed.

'Think back three days, that night I went into the store room and you came with me then you said the lock had jammed,' Nanao said dismissively turning back to her papers.

Shunsui's eyes widened, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about that.'

'I tried the lock the other day and it worked perfectly,' Nanao said darkly and Shunsui sat there nervously.

'Umm, maybe it was having a bad day,' he said quickly and Nanao flicked her eyes towards him.

He shrunk back, Nanao didn't look very happy with him and he wondered what was going on between them. Sometimes they got on and sometimes Nanao wanted to rip his throat out and sometimes, very rarely though, she would let him kiss her in the office.

Once in a blue moon they did more than that in the office.

Nanao's eyebrow's knitted together in concentration as she continued filling out forms and Shunsui wondered what she was thinking about. For some reason he couldn't read her, it was almost as if she was trying to hide something. Shunsui was pretty sure it didn't have anything to do with Toushiro walking in on them.

'What's wrong?' he asked her. Nanao paused and put down her ink brush, she looked at him.

'Nothing,' she lied. Nanao cursed herself mentally; she really had to stop bottling her feelings up otherwise she was going explode all over Shunsui. Exploding basically consisted of bursting into tears, no doubt Shunsui would enjoy that. Nanao wasn't even sure why she was feeling this way, she could tell him she loved him or she could put it off. For some reason, to her, it didn't feel like the right time. No time ever did. If she kept these feelings inside she had the nauseating thought that they would get rotten and decay. Shunsui wouldn't understand.

Shunsui leant back in the chair and sighed and wondered for the first time if he had done the right thing by confessing his love to her.

----

Terry was not a happy animal. Of all the cool names he could have had, he was landed with Terry. What a boring name and genderless name, it thought.

Maybe he should do something evil now. He had grown bored of Kira quickly but he had found that hanging out with the blond haired boy had its perks. Terry was allowed to have his own chair and always got the best food. He was also allowed to use the hot springs. Terry didn't feel bad about using Kira, the thing is, he/she thought it was having a good life when suddenly: whack, bam, splat! And Terry was nothing more than a floating spirit. He hadn't wanted to die but then he met Kira again and maybe things were looking up for him.

Being lumbered with the name Terry made him angry. It was thinking it'd go and defecate on some old records when it bumped into someone.

Jushiro looked down surprised.

'Aren't you Kira's pet?' he said to it surprised. Terry quickly reverted back to his old cute face and Ukitake smiled, 'Awww what a cute little thing you are, have some candy.'

The porcupine tried to squirm away as Jushiro tried to shove candy down its mouth.

'Hmmm, don't you like candy?' Ukitake asked the small mammal, 'Don't worry I think I have some snacks somewhere,' he continued and rummaged in his pockets. Terry twitched in fright, he didn't want to eat candy and he definitely didn't want to eat snacks from this man's pocket, probably wasn't hygienic.

Kira hurried down their aisle with Momo and they came to a sharp stop in front of Ukitake. Kira bowed deeply.

'Ukitake-taichou, thank you for finding Terry!' he gushed. Ukitake raised an eyebrow.

'Terry?'

'Yes that's his name,' Kira said happily, gladly taking the porcupine from the captain.

'That sounds rather like a children's television character,' Ukitake said thoughtfully while scratching his chin.

'That's because Kira doesn't watch anything but children's programmes,' Toushiro muttered and the group swivelled round to see the small white haired captain leaning against some shelves. His face was pasty coloured and he looked a little flustered.

'Shiro-chan!' Momo greeted happily, then she frowned and looked at him carefully, 'Are you ok? You don't look very well to me.'

Ukitake looked at the young captain, 'Do you want some candy?'

An anger mark appeared on Toshiro's forehead, 'No, I don't want any.'

'How about snacks?'

'NO!'

'What's the matter?' Momo asked.

'Umm, I came to tell you not to go into the eight division office...,' Toshiro mumbled and Ukitake looked up.

'Why? I was about to go there and give Shunsui some pet advice,' he explained. Toshiro shut his eyes, they've probably finished doing...whatever they were doing, he thought carefully.

'I also came to collect Momo,' Toshiro added quickly to shift the subject.

'Why?' Momo asked.

'Well, ummm, I don't want you to look up what kinky means. Ever. And...well...errr...clean your desk...ummm...yeah,' Toshiro replied.

'What has my desk got to do with it?' Momo said confused. Toshiro's face went red.

'Umm, nothing...it might be dirty.'

It was about now that Ukitake suddenly understood what was vaguely going on and decided the tenth squad captain needed someone to talk to. He told Momo that he wanted a word with Hitsugaya and ordered her to wait outside. After this he sent Kira to do some menial task to get him out of the way.

When they were alone Ukitake cleared his throat. 'Something tells me you walked in on something.'

Toshiro went still and a shiver went down his spine, 'Umm, I don't really want to go talk about it.'

'I think you need to get this off your chest,' Ukitake said and gave Toshiro some chocolate. The boy took it wordlessly and pocketed it.

'It must have been...,' Ukitake left the sentence hanging.

'Traumatic.' Toshiro filled in.

'I was going to say something else, but yeah...,' Jushiro patted Hitsugaya's shoulder.

'What were you going to say?'

'...Educational,' Ukitake replied.

'Shiro-chan! You just don't want to admit you wanted to stay and watch the whole thing!' Yachiru yelled. Ukitake's eyes widened.

'When did you get here?' he asked. Yachiru beamed at him.

'She comes along whenever I'm about to be portrayed as a dirty minded lecher,' Toshiro said angrily, 'Not that I am one,' he added quickly. Yachiru winked and nudged his elbow as if saying your secret is safe with me.

Toshiro mumbled something to himself and decided he should just return to his headquarters. At least he could count on Matsumoto to act like a normal person. Wait, that didn't sound right, Matsumoto never acted like a normal person.

When he reached his office he hesitated before walking in. After a minute or so he knocked. This was absurd he was knocking on the door of his own office. What was he expecting Matsumoto to be doing in there? Wait, he didn't want to go there. Dangerous thoughts had no place in his orderly mind.

He opened the door slowly and peeked inside the curtains were drawn and Matsumoto was snoozing, under a blanket, on the couch. Toshiro sighed in relief and sat in his chair.

Five minutes later Hisagi walked in naked except for towel wrapped around his waist, he looked like he had come from a shower. Hisagi stopped when he saw Toshiro.

'Oh, eh, Hitsugaya-taichou,' he greeted, 'Umm, I guess Matsumoto didn't tell you...'

Toushiro looked at him sharply and Hisagi took a step back. Toshiro tried to banish naughty thoughts from his mind. Was something going on between these two?

'Tell me what?' Toushiro said slowly and Hisagi faltered. At that moment Matsumoto decided to wake up, she stretched and yawned, caught sight of Hisagi in his towel and bounded over to him. Not seeing her captain, Matsumoto threw her arms around Hisagi and kissed his cheek. Toshiro's back stiffened and his eyes widened. Hisagi tensed and stood as still as a statute. Matsumoto noticed this and turned around to see her captain sitting at his desk.

'Oh hello, taichou! I didn't know you had come back,' Matsumoto said as if everything was normal.

'What is Hisagi doing here?' he asked through gritted teeth wishing that Matsumoto would restrict her personal life from her working one.

'Hmm? I spilt sake all over him so I told him to go use the shower in our barracks,' Matsumoto explained in a slightly drunken haze. Hisagi nodded violently beside her and Toushiro shut his eyes.

'So err...you two...weren't...' he said and Matsumoto beamed at him.

'You thought we were having a bit of mammal time, didn't you?' she questioned, Toshiro had to admit he had never heard it put that way before. It was amazing what her drunk mind came up with.

'No, I wasn't. I was just wandering if you two were doing something...else,' Toshiro replied weakly and Hisagi felt like melting into the floor. Ok, so he was attracted to Matsumoto, but every red blooded man in the Soul Society was, even Yamamoto, but that was just creepy to think about.

Matsumoto handed Hisagi some spare robes and he looked at Toushiro apologetically. 'Sorry for intruding,' he mumbled.

Toushiro was just glad nothing 'mammaly' had happened in his office because he didn't want to have to clean his desk.

Hisagi left and Matsumoto waved as he shut the door. Once he had gone she went to her captain, he was holding his head in his hands.

'Awww taichou, what's wrong?' she asked leaning over the desk. Toushiro didn't look up because he knew he would be able to see it and right now he wasn't in the right frame of mind to think rationally about them.

'Nothing, go away,' he ordered.

'Don't you want a back massage?' Matsumoto asked.

Toshiro swore, 'No I don't!'

Matsumoto backed away and returned to the couch.

After a while Toshiro thought that a back massage didn't sound so bad.

* * *

**Well Toshiro got all the fun today...lucky him.**

**Momo and Kira need to go to school again...**

**I didn't come up with Slutty McSlut Slut...it's ultra catchy so I thought I'd put it in.**

**Hisagi doesn't like Matsumoto that way...Kira on the other hand...Hisagi likes him...lots...**

**Byakuya doesn't need to brush his teeth...he is special...his manliness kills off plaque.**

**Terry is a name short for Terrence or ****Terentia**** or Teresa...I have nothing against that name by the way.****Terentia**** is a Roman ladies name...Terrence is a Roman name as well**

**Ramses is that pharaoh dude, there's like ten different ways to write his name and this is the one Word accepted so yeah...I thought it was spelt ****Rameses**** but Wikipedia said it wasn't and Wikipedia knows everything.**

**Ukitake likes to feed things...he keeps chocolate and snacks on him just in case he runs into someone who looks like they need cheering up.**

**My mum freaked me out the other day by talking about Aizen when he came on the TV screen:**

**Mum: Aizen is such an evil so and so  
Aizen(onscreen): Blah Blah...monologue...I will be God...slicks back hair  
Mum: Oh my gosh, look at him, he slicks back his hair and he becomes a handsome devil!  
Rhea: 0.0 Err...I thought you didnt like him...  
Mum: It doesn't matter, now I do...why are all the villains so good looking?  
Rhea: ...**

**I didn't have an answer to that one...Aizen is pretty devillish...with his infiltrating smile...manly man...**

**I also have no inspiration for a poem...dammit...**


	49. Dangerous Love Rumour

**Good...****ummm****...I forget...Evening!**

**I had some spare time and I decided to reread my whole story. ****I laughed so much, I don't think it's good that I crack up at my own writing but I'm not sure whether I was laughing because of how bad it was or if it was actually genuinely funny. I also found a bunch**** of**** mistakes, one of them was quite bad; in the chapter about the zoo I misspelled lions as loins. I don't know about you but I thought that was amusing. I changed most of the mistakes...I think-but if you see any tell me otherwise I might make some pretty bad ones.**

**I also wrote Shunsui as being 'dunk' as a skunk...though that wasn't as amusing as loins and lions.**** I also called Jinta Kinta...****woah****...I can't believe I've made those mistakes.**

**Ummmm****...I was going to say something but now I've just forgotten...****dammit****...uh...yeah...**

**Thanks go**** to ****Viashino**** wizard**** who gave**** this task idea...****thank****'****ee**

**This took ages to materialise...I have been busy with school and all that fun stuff...****I give you a long chapter...I don't know if ****its**** good.

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Chapter 48

Occasionally, in the deepest parts of Rukongai there are children with exceptional spiritual powers. The Shinigami would search for these children and offer them salvation. In return for food and shelter in the Seireitei the children would swear to become shinigami and serve the Thirteen Protection Guard Squads when they were older.

Upon arrival in the Seireitei the children would be enrolled in the Soul Society's only school which ran from first to twelfth grade. When they had completed this they would be sent to the Shinigami academy. Here, they would be taught everything they needed to know about becoming a soul reaper and the system worked rather well. Teachers usually came in the form of retired captains or lieutenants while the fourth squad usually taught the lower grades of the school.

Soon, though, the first grade class would be getting a new teacher. They wondered who it could be, apparently it was going to be a captain from one of the thirteen squads and this fact excited the children greatly because it was rare to have someone of such high level coming to teach them.

Funnily enough, their new teacher didn't even know about his new position.

----

Unohana was a thinker.

Some people were players others were brawlers but Unohana was a thinker. She thought things out.

She prepared things. She planned things and with the utmost care she executed these plans.

Unohana was a thinker.

----

It was around mid morning when Yumichika and Ikkaku heard it.

The rumour had started out small but as time went on it grew and its original message became rather skewed. This was largely due to the large mouths of certain people, namely Matsumoto after downing two bottles of sake in the same amount of minutes.

_'__Ewww__, I can't believe that's true...'_

_'I wonder how Unohana taichou is taking it...'_

_'Apparently Zaraki doesn't know__...'_

Yumichika and Ikkaku stopped when they heard their captain's name and casually went over to the group of shinigami.

'What are you talking about? It doesn't look like break time to me,' Ikkaku asked, one of the officers turned to him and gave him a guilty look.

'Urm...we were just talking about-.'

'I don't want to know what you were talking about!' Ikkaku shouted at him.

'Yes we do,' Yumichika said quickly, placing a hand on the other shinigami's shoulder.

'We do?' Ikkaku asked bewildered. He never had time for gossip, he found the affairs of the other soul reapers rather boring and if it didn't have good fight included it probably wasn't worth listening to.

The others turned to the two eleventh squad officers.

'Apparently Mayuri confessed his love for Unohana!' one of them whispered excitedly. Ikkaku's eyes bugged out, he couldn't imagine Mayuri confessing his love. Indeed, he wasn't even sure Mayuri knew what that was.

'Whoa, that's...that's...that's just wrong,' he stuttered. Yumichika looked deep in thought.

'Who told you this?' he said quietly, finding it hard to believe that something like this could have happened without him knowing already. He was usually on top of all the gossip in the Seireitei. He found it rather degrading to ask others for information when normally he was the one being asked.

The man shifted his feet uneasily, 'Well, when I was sweeping the floor, I overheard Matsumoto-fukutaichou talking to people from her own squad...'

Yumichika raised a perfectly formed eyebrow, 'Are you sure you heard right?'

The man nodded quickly but Yumichika was doubtful, Matsumoto was a very distracting woman which meant that the man may have misheard while concentrating on some other assets of Matsumoto. It was not unheard of; even the most focused man would find himself at lost when confronted with a woman of Matsumoto's proportions. Yumichika liked to think he was above other men in that he wasn't affected by Matsumoto in any way.

However if the rumour was true Yumichika had a problem, he could tell his captain, who would probably explode in rage or he could not tell his captain. This latter choice seemed rather attractive but when his captain did find out he would probably be even angrier because they hadn't told him.

Yumichika sighed and ordered the others back to work. He turned to Ikkaku.

'We have to go and see if this is true,' he said to him. Ikkaku blinked, still shocked by Mayuri's actions.

'Why?'

'Well, we'll have to tell the captain at some point and I wouldn't want it to be a false alarm,' Yumichika explained.

'Why not? It doesn't matter what the outcome is...Mayuri is still going to get bashed,' Ikkaku replied, 'It's going to be fun to watch.'

Yumichika sighed, of course Ikkaku wasn't affected by Matsumoto either but Yumichika wasn't sure that Ikkaku knew what girls were, everyone to him were just opponents...genderless enemies to be maimed and slaughtered. Yumichika liked to think he was above this too.

He grabbed Ikkaku's collar in a dainty sort of way and dragged him towards the tenth squad barracks.

'Hey! Where are we going?' Ikkaku asked.

'To see Matsumoto.'

----

Matsumoto was eating an early lunch which consisted of sake and by the time Yumichika and Ikkaku had arrived she was already drunk. She looked surprised to see them but carried on eating.

Yumichika got straight to the point, 'Is it true?'

In her drunken haze, Matsumoto was pretty sure she knew what they were talking about, but she didn't let on. 'Is what true?'

'Did Mayuri confess his love for Unohana?'

Matsumoto froze. Oh dear, if those two were to tell Zaraki this all hell would break loose. 'Uh...maybe,' she said slowly and Ikkaku growled. Matsumoto squeaked.

'Hurry up or I'll set Ikkaku on you,' Yumichika threatened. Matsumoto may have been drunk but she knew when to tell the truth. Ikkaku looked at Yumichika.

'I'm not your dog,' he muttered. Matsumoto took another swig of her drink and looked at the two men.

'If I tell you the truth then you have to give me something in return,' she said in a very suggestive sort of way. Both men carried on as if she hadn't even moved. Hold on, Matsumoto thought, this was all wrong, those two were meant to be all over her, for some reason her womanly charms seemed to have no effect on these two. Matsumoto figured that they must be gay or something.

Yumichika sighed, 'Look we don't have time for this, I have a hair appointment soon. Ikkaku, hit her.'

Ikkaku scowled, 'Why do I have to hit her? I don't like hitting girls and stop ordering me around. You always act like you're the clever one.'

'I was surprised you even knew what girls were,' his friend replied snidely. Ikkaku stepped on his foot.

Matsumoto gaze shifted between the two men. Maybe if she were to tactfully show more cleavage one of them would wise up and give her more sake. She did so and was surprised to find that the two shinigami didn't seem to give a damn.

'Hey! I'm practically naked here and you're not paying attention!' she shouted at them. They looked at her and Ikkaku mumbled something and looked away.

'This is getting rather silly, just tell us if Mayuri really did confess his love for Unohana,' Yumichika said, quarrelling like small children was not very beautiful. Matsumoto pouted and drank some more.

'Fine, fine, it is true...I was told by someone from the fourth squad who was there when it happened,' Matsumoto explained.

'You mean they were eavesdropping?' Yumichika said.

'Probably. Oh and don't tell Zaraki this otherwise he'd go ballistic.'

Yumichika tutted, 'I'm afraid that's the only thing we can do.'

Matsumoto frowned, 'Why? Zaraki would just mindlessly run after Mayuri on a rampage.'

'Exactly,' Ikkaku said happily, he'd always wanted to see that clown get beaten up. Matsumoto sighed, all men were the same, you tell them someone's going to beat up a man dressed like a clown and they go crazy.

'We just came here to clarify how true the rumour was, so we'll be off now,' Yumichika said. Matsumoto tried to remember where she had heard this rumour. Her memory of the previous night was sketchy at best and she vaguely remembered someone from the fourth squad talking to her. At this point Matsumoto's brain short circuited, thinking hard while being drunk was a rather hard thing to do and it had taken its toll.

Yumichika and Ikkaku stared at Matsumoto. She was sitting at the couch, mouth hanging open and eyes shut. Ikkaku thought she looked as if she were in a trance. Yumichika thought she looked not so beautiful. Yumichika thought he was above her too.

'Is she ok?' he asked Yumichika.

'I think so,' his friend replied and gently moved Matsumoto's shoulder. She didn't respond.

'Is she dead?' Ikkaku asked dumbly.

'She's drooling, I don't think dead people drool,' Yumichika replied carefully.

'Zombies do,' Ikkaku said pointedly but Yumichika had to admit she didn't really look like a zombie.

'Yeah but they drool blood. Yuk, drooling so not manly...she does looks the total opposite of beautiful,' Yumichika commented and Ikkaku grunted.

'Don't you know any adjectives other than beautiful?' he asked and Yumichika frowned in deep thought.

'Well I use fabulous quite a lot and I know scandalous,' he mused. Ikkaku snorted, in his opinion this was just as bad beautiful, possibly even worse.

Toshiro walked into the office not giving the others a second glance. He briefly looked at Matsumoto and resumed his paperwork.

'Errr, Hitsugaya taichou, there's something wrong with Matsumoto,' Yumichika said. Toshiro stopped writing.

'She always does that,' he replied staring balefully at them as if asking why the hell they were here in his office.

'It doesn't look normal though. Can't we snap her out of it?' Ikkaku asked; he was getting a little bit freaked out.

'Not really,' Toshiro answered, 'I normally just leave her alone.'

Yumichika thought this was a little irresponsible but didn't say anything. 'Well, we'll just be on our way then.' Toshiro watched them leave and once they were outside Yumichika turned to Ikkaku.

'Do you think it's ok to leave him in there with her like that,' he asked him.

Ikkaku stared, in his naive mind there wasn't anything wrong with leaving a zoned out Matsumoto with Toshiro. In fact it was probably quite safe. 'What's wrong with that?'

'Well Yachiru was telling me some pretty weird things about Hitsugaya taichou...,' Yumichika explained.

'Like what?' Ikkaku said even more clueless.

'Well apparently he likes to think about doing kinky things with Momo, he's dangerous. He has a dirty dirty mind,' Yumichika whispered.

'You make it sound like some disease.'

'Yeah, it's called adolescence,' Yumichika muttered and both men slowly turned their heads towards the silent office.

'I'm glad I never went through that,' Ikkaku thought.

----

The eleventh squad barracks were quiet when Yumichika and Ikkaku arrived. It wouldn't stay like this for long. The two caught sight of Yachiru snoozing in the courtyard. Zaraki was nowhere to be seen. Ikkaku pinched Yachiru and she woke up.

'Have you seen Zaraki taichou?' Yumichika asked as Ikkaku ran around in circles Yachiru firmly clamped onto his bald head.

'Nopey!' she said brightly after Ikkaku had dislodged her. He wiped spit from his head and Yumichika couldn't help but think that this had just helped it get shinier

'Do you know where we might be able to see him?' Yumichika asked again. Yachiru bounced on the balls of her feet and looked at the two men, they looked rather serious, well, Yumichika did at any rate, Ikkaku just looked angry. Something serious must be happening.

'Ken-chan might be in his office taking a nap,' she said helpfully. The two men thanked her and went off to find Zaraki.

She followed.

----

Zaraki jerked awake when he heard the door open.

He looked annoyed and a little grumpy. Yumichika cursed inside his head, Zaraki already didn't look very happy and now he had to give him some bad news.

'Whassa matter?' their captain asked he looked at his two officers, squinting when his eyes passed over Ikkaku's head. It looked as if he had actually buffed his head to a shine.

'Uh, well while we were taking a walk together...uh we came across some interesting information...,' Yumichika began but Zaraki had already fallen asleep again.

'Eh taichou...it was about Unohana,' Ikkaku said trying to get his captain awake again. It worked and Zaraki instantly sat up and paid attention.

'What about her?'

'Umm, well apparently Mayuri confessed his feelings for her the other day,' Yumichika said and quickly shut his eyes waiting for Zaraki to react.

There was silence in the room.

Zaraki stood up slowly. Ikkaku shrunk back, ready to bolt out the door.

'I don't care,' Zaraki said. Yumichika's mouth hung open.

'W-what?' he said stunned, 'I thought you would want to know.'

'Yeah, I thought you were going to attack him,' Ikkaku said sadly.

Kenpachi looked at them both, 'Mayuri is a twit and I don't like him. He's also fun to hit and relieve stress on. However unless Unohana comes to me asking for 'assistance' I won't do a thing.'

'Why not?!' Ikkaku asked he still wanted to see a clown get totalled.

'Someone told me it was manly not to overreact and stay calm, one should never rush into these things without finding out the whole truth,' Zaraki explained. Ikkaku looked horrified, the whole point was to go crazy and ask questions later. What had happened to his captain? Had he gone on the valium again? Yumichika wondered who would tell Zaraki something like this and even more who would make Zaraki even listen to them.

'Who told you that?' he asked.

'Kuchiki taichou,' Zaraki muttered and Yumichika snorted. Byakuya could hardly talk. When Ichigo was saving Rukia he hardly stayed calm and he almost always overreacted. Yumichika was surprised that Zaraki had actually listened to Byakuya.

The two officers left, Ikkaku rather reluctantly but Yumichika was rather glad that they had avoided a potential mess.

Unohana watched from the shadows.

It seemed that she would have to execute the second part of her plan all by herself.

It didn't matter. She had already got enough back up plans to last her.

She allowed herself a small smile before walking towards Zaraki's office.

Everything was under control. After all she was a thinker.

----

Kenpachi was snoozing at his desk when Unohana walked through the door. He would have preferred it if she had knocked but he overlooked this. It was Unohana after all.

Zaraki sat up quickly and tried to make it look like he was doing something. So what if he was holding the ink brush upside down and the form was covered in manly drool? Zaraki was aiming for a professional look. He had tried his hardest but he didn't quite pull it off.

'Zaraki-san, may I have a word?' Unohana asked. He tried to pull his gaze away from her and offered her a seat. His gentlemanliness lessons from Byakuya were really paying off.

'What's up?' he said. Unohana began the second phase of her plan. She perched herself shyly on a chair and looked into Zaraki's eyes. He could not look away.

'I need some help,' she said her voice barely a whisper. Zaraki was entranced.

'With what?' he asked.

'Well...it's about Mayruri...,' she said slowly. Zaraki felt himself fall into a stupor, her voice sounded melodic to him, she carried on speaking softly, 'he came onto me and I don't feel safe anymore.'

Zaraki blinked, he was so captivated by Unohana's insecurities that he didn't even bother to think about what she was saying.

'What do you want me to do?'

Unohana smiled inwardly. All was going exactly how it was meant to.

'I want you to take care of Mayuri and I want you to make sure he doesn't bother me again,' Unohana ordered.

Zaraki stood up and walked like Frankenstein's monster into his office door.

Unohana spoke normally, 'Zaraki-san, people usually open the door when they want to go through it.'

Zaraki eyes widened and he snapped out of his dream state, he felt disorientated and had to hold onto the door-frame to steady himself.

'What was I doing?' he asked Unohana.

'You were going to teach that bastard Mayuri that I did not belong to him and wasn't his to love,' Unohana explained. Zaraki frowned. Had he really said that? To be honest his memory was fuzzy but Unohana wouldn't lie to him. Unohana did not lie.

'Oh ok, I'm leaving,' he said and flung the door open.

'Work hard,' Unohana called after him a serene smile on her motherly face.

----

Ikkaku was too busy chasing Yachiru to notice his captain leave his office. It wasn't until he saw Unohana leaving the building that he noticed his captain's absence. He turned to the fourth division captian.

'Where is Zaraki taichou?' he asked her. Unohana had to shade her eyes with her hand before her they were burned out of her skull by Ikkaku's shining head.

'He left a few minutes ago shouting that he was going to do something unspeakable to Mayuri,' Unohana said sounding mortified when she was really quite happy about this. Ikkaku's eyes widened.

'Really?'

Unohana smiled at him, 'Oh yes.'

----

Mayuri doodled.

His private work room was stuffy.

The clock ticked loudly beside him.

He was bored.

Since it was a Sunday he hadn't bothered showing up in the office, probably no one even knew where he was.

Mayuri wondered where Nemu was.

Maybe she was out having fun with men. If this was the case Mayuri was pretty sure Nemu would have told him and he would have stopped her from going. Men were not going to have fun with his Nemu. Ever.

He slumped onto his table and stared out of his window. He should really be trying to finish the tasks but at the moment he didn't really feel like it and to be honest he didn't even know which ones were left.

Eventually he decided to change this and went to one of the underground labs. Once there he ordered a technician to bring him the scroll.

Ten minutes later the scroll was spread out on one of tables and Mayuri was pleasantly surprised to find that there were only four more tasks to go.

Mayuri read through the tasks trying to remember how he had completed them.

_1.Be__ nice to Nemu  
__2.Make Ichigo confess his love for Rukia  
__3.__Save someone's life  
__4. Get laid  
__5.Do something reckless  
__6. Make Byakuya feel again  
__7.Be a father to Nemu and openly show affection for her  
__8.A__pologise for everything  
__9.Cure Ukitake  
__10.Teach at Shinigami school  
__11.Do something charitable_

Mayuri's gaze was torn away from the paper when there was a knock at the door and Unohana entered Mayuri's office.

She gave him a pleasant smile and sat opposite him. Mayuri was instantly wary. Unohana almost never came here. How did she even know where this was? This lab was meant to be secret. He had not time to think more about this and the fact that Unohana had come here herself meant something important must have happened.

'Mayuri, I would like to have a word with you regarding the tasks,' she began. Mayuri glared at her and she smiled sweetly back at him.

'What about them?' he asked.

'I know there is no time limit but I was wondering whether you would consider-,'

'No,' Mayuri replied flatly and Unohana looked at him calmly. 'Whatever you have to say, I'm saying no to it now,' he continued.

'If you'd have let me finish, as I was saying a teaching position has opened at the school and I was going to ask you to fill in,' Unohana finished.

Mayuri gave her a flat look, 'No, I'll do it when I want to. Ask someone else.'

'If I could ask someone else, trust me, I would have,' Unohana said and Mayuri snorted.

'I'm sure some other person can do it,' Mayuri went on.

'I understand how you feel Mayuri but the fact is we have no one to teach that class and you happen to have a task which asks just that,' she explained.

'Like you said, there isn't a time limit, I don't have to do it now,' Mayuri replied back, he stood up in his chair and slammed his palms on the table.

Unohana felt she wasn't getting anywhere but she knew this was going to happen long ago and stood up as well. Time to use her secret weapon: she leant in so that she was a few centimetres from Mayuri's head.

'I hear Zaraki-san is looking for you,' she said quietly. Mayuri looked up sharply. Unohana's face was expressionless.

'Er...um...why would he be doing that?' Mayuri stammered, he'd heard about Zaraki's wild rampage but hadn't known he was the cause of it. Unohana smiled at him.

'Something about you having hidden affection for me,' Unohana answered and let the comment sink in. It had its desired effect, at first Mayuri wanted to vehemently deny he had such feelings, after this he was wondering who had spread such rumours and then he remembered that Zaraki was involved. Mayuri sat down. If Zaraki thought he liked Unohana, things were going to get ugly.

The fourth division captain looked at him serenely and Mayuri wondered how she did it. How could she stand there with a peaceful expression on her face while threatening him?

'Maybe I should go and tell him it's not true,' Mayuri suggested but Unohana made a clucking sound.

'I wouldn't do that,' she admonished in a motherly tone, 'apparently Zaraki's seeing red, he wants to rip your head off when he finds you.'

Mayuri found it hard to believe that he had just heard the gentle Unohana talking about ripping heads off people.

'If you were to accept my proposition I may be less inclined to tell him where you are and I might go even far as to tell him it was all a great misunderstanding,' she said slowly and Mayuri stared. This woman was a paradox...she acted motherly and then spewed out threats as if they were greetings. Mayuri found it hard to understand women.

'Are you threatening me?' he asked amazed at this new light to Unohana.

'No,' she said unfazed.

'Really? Because that sounded-,'

'I do not threaten people Mayuri. I guide them into doing the right thing,' Unohana turned away and walked towards the door.

'I think Zaraki will like to know where you are,' she said and Mayuri went after her.

'Uh wait!'

Unohana slowly turned towards him, calmly smiling at him, 'Yes?'

'Ummm...,' Mayuri sighed resignedly, 'when does this teaching thing start?'

Unohana gave him a sunny smile. 'I'm glad you see reason my dear Mayuri.'

----

'Nemu, I want you to be my teaching assistant,' Mayuri said. It was the day before he was to start teaching at the school and he still needed to sort some things out, namely an assistant.

'I can't,' Nemu said. Mayuri rounded on her.

'Why not!?' he screeched.

'Well, I...uh...um...,' Nemu wasn't quite sure how to answer.

'She probably wants to stare out that new window she found yesterday,' Hisagi said who was dropping off some paperwork for Mayuri. Nemu wondered how Hisagi knew that she liked to stare out of windows with a vacant expression.

'What are you talking about? Nemu would rather spend time with me than stare out of a damn window. Wouldn't you Nemu?' Mayuri asked.

Nemu was silent and Mayuri caught its meaning. He froze.

'You want to stare out of a window more than you want to spend time with me. Isn't that the wrong way around?' Mayuri said feeling a little offended and Nemu looked at him apologetically.

'Fine, I guess I can't force you,' he mumbled, 'But now who am I going to take?'

At that moment Kira walked into Mayuri's office. This would usually go unnoticed but the fact that Kira was naked made everyone look.

Mayuri covered Nemu's eyes.

'I don't think this is the first guy she's seen in the nude,' Hisagi said to Mayuri.

'Shut it you,' the captain retorted. It didn't matter that this wasn't the first man Nemu had seen naked. It was just that he could stop her seeing this one, although Mayuri had to admit this one wasn't much of a man.

'Why are you naked? In my office,' Mayuri asked, people were going to get the wrong idea if they knew he had a naked boy in his office.

'Uh well...Terry used all my clothes to make a home,' Kira explained, 'So now I don't have anything to wear, I went to find Hisagi but his squad members told me he was here so here I am.'

Hisagi sighed he felt like Kira's babysitter sometimes. To make things worse, the reason for Kira's distress was that infernal porcupine. He knew nothing good would come of it.

'Did you come all the way naked?' Hisagi asked horrified.

Kira nodded, 'I figured if I flash stepped nobody would notice that I didn't have clothes on.'

Hisagi groaned and slapped his forehead.

Byakuya walked into the room. His gaze passed over Hisagi then Mayuri and it settled on Kira. When Byakuya realised that Kira had no clothes his gaze quickly shifted again.

'I'll come back later,' he said and left.

'I hope he didn't get the wrong idea,' Mayuri muttered, 'and would someone please get that boy some clothes!?'

Nemu left the office in search of spare clothes.

'At least it wasn't Matsumoto,' Mayuri muttered to himself.

'Don't you have any other clothes!? You could have at least come in your sleeping clothes,' Hisagi said angrily, he was getting a headache. Next time he hoped Kira would run off to Renji.

There was silence.

'You do have sleeping clothes?' Hisagi said slowly.

'I erm...sleep...with yeah...no clothes on...,' Kira replied slowly. The office was still and the only thing that could be heard was the clock.

'That's so wrong...especially when you have a porcupine in the same room,' Hisagi said, he frowned, trying to remove bad thoughts from his mind.

'I don't even want to know what's going on in your mind right now,' Mayuri said, he wondered why Nemu was taking so long.

Just then Shunsui entered the office and Mayuri scowled.

'Does nobody knock anymore for crying out loud?!' he shouted.

'No,' Shunsui said jovially and caught sight of naked Kira. He smile dimmed somewhat.

'What's going on here?' he asked and Mayuri sighed.

'He doesn't have any clothes,' Mayuri explained.

'I know that, why is he naked?' Shunsui said.

'Long story,' Mayuri said and was relieved when Nemu returned; she greeted Shunsui and gave the clothes to Kira. Mayuri made a choking noise.

'What's wrong?' Shunsui asked pounding the other man on the back, 'You got something stuck in your throat?'

'Nemu don't look at him while he's getting changed,' Mayuri managed to say after Shunsui had stopped hitting him.

'I don't think that's going to make any difference,' Shunsui said and Mayuri glared at him.

'What do you want anyway?' he asked angrily.

'I heard you were going off to school and I wondered who you would take with you,' Shunsui said shrugging.

'Nemu doesn't want to, so I was just going to take my third seat.'

Hisagi had a brainwave. They didn't come often but when they did they were filled normally filled with good ideas. If Terry was already causing problems for Kira maybe Hisagi should send him off somewhere where he won't see Terry often.

'Mayuri taichou, I think Kira would rather go,' Hisagi said quickly. Mayuri looked at the cute little boy that made up Kira. He poked his shoulder and Kira sniffed.

'Are you sure? He doesn't look like he can handle teaching the first grade,' Shunsui said.

'Yes, I'm not sure I want to-,' Mayuri stopped and turned to Shunsui. 'Did you just say first grade?'

Shunsui nodded, 'Yuppy, didn't you know who you were going to teach?'

Mayuri yelled incoherent words. Shunsui covered his ears. After a few minutes Mayuri's rants subsided into a hoarse whisper.

'That lying conniving little-,' Mayuri was cut off by Shunsui.

'Whoa! There was no need to go that far. Are you telling me Unohana didn't even tell you who you were going to teach?'

'YES! Damn, I don't know anything about children. I don't think I've met one before,' Mayuri rambled.

'If you give them candy, everything should be fine,' Hisagi advised, 'Kira's really good with children so don't worry.'

'Really?' Mayuri asked.

'Yeah, he's like one of them anyway,' Hisagi said and Mayuri looked the boy over. He had that sort of innocent look that you got from small boys. Wide eyed, inquisitive and a little bit soppy looking.

'I think you might be right about that.'

----

Mayuri stood in the middle of the teacher's lounge. The group was mostly made of fourth squad members of varying ages. Mayuri looked around him everyone was staring at him and Kira. Even with the principle here, Mayuri had the feeling he was still the highest ranked person in the school.

'Well, Captain Mayuri, we are glad to have you on our team and we hope you enjoy working here,' the principle said. Mayuri thought that if he had ears it would be the right time to clean them. He didn't have to listen to this old man ramble on about the school.

When Mayuri didn't reply the principle continued, 'Uh...um, uh you've been assigned a first grade class for five days.'

The old man shoved some papers in his hands, 'These are the class details, everything you need to know have been compiled into this booklet.'

Mayuri flicked through disinterestedly.

'Um...I see you've already brought an assistant,' the old man gave Kira a stern stare and he shuffled behind Mayuri, 'You have also been assigned a helper from another first grade class, she'll show you around the school.'

A young woman pushed to the front of the crowd, she was dressed like the rest of them, black shinigami robes, but there was something about her. Something that made Mayuri think she was different from the others. It wasn't her black hair or brown eyes which in this room seemed to be a commonplace. It was something Mayuri couldn't quite put a finger on. She bowed bashfully in front of Mayuri, 'My name is Rei Oshiro and I will be your guide in this school,' she said rather quickly.

Mayuri frowned trying to make sense of what the woman had just said. A bell started to ring and the wave of teachers massed around the door.

Rei tugged Mayuri's sleeve, 'Please follow me.'

Mayuri cuffed Kira around the head and told him to follow them.

Rei led them down a dizzying number of corridors that all looked the same. Mayuri wondered how he would get out of here when the day was up. Damn that Unohana, Mayuri couldn't believe he was actually doing this.

The woman stopped outside a door and Mayuri nearly walked into her. She flashed a hesitant smile.

'Umm, this is your class, I'm teaching next door, so if you need anything just ask,' she said.

They stood there in silence for a moment and Mayuri wondered if he was meant to say something.

'Uh Mayuri taichou I think you're meant to thank and dismiss her,' Kira whispered by his nonexistent ears. Mayuri blinked.

'Oh, uh, thanks, you can go now,' he said to the Rei who smiled, bowed and went to her own classroom.

'Uh Mayuri taichou? Don't you think we should go in now?' Kira asked.

Mayuri stared into the distance, thinking that he wouldn't mind seeing that teacher's smile again.

----

Mayuri hadn't really seen this many small children before.

They looked different in textbooks.

There were thirty four of them, all shouting and throwing things in the air. Kira sat down at an empty table and eyed Mayuri intently.

He looks like he belongs here, Mayuri thought to himself. Indeed, some of the students had already begun talking to him.

The noise was deafening and Mayuri found it hard to hear his own thoughts.

He stood behind the teacher's desk and rapped the desk hard with a ruler. The sound was loud but not loud enough.

Mayuri dragged his nails across the chalk board. The children were instantly quiet. They looked at Mayuri with awe. Well, most of them did, some looked like they were going to wet themselves others looked like they were in shock. But overall it was with amazement that the children looked upon at their teacher. Mayuri was quite proud. This wasn't going to be so hard after all.

'I am Mayuri Kurotsuchi and I will be your teacher for the next five days,' Mayuri said in his usual tone, he pointed to Kira, 'and this is my assistant Kira Izuru.'

'Today I will teach-,' Mayuri was interrupted when a hand shot up.

'Yes, what is it?' Mayuri asked.

'Normally the teacher writes their name on the board,' the small boy piped up.

'Really!?' Mayuri asked and every child nodded in sync with each other. It was rather creepy. Mayuri turned to the board and wrote his name.

A hand went up in the air again.

'Why do you look like a clown?'

Mayuri frowned, 'Because I want to.'

Another hand went up.

'Can you juggle?'

'No,' Mayuri muttered.

Someone threw a paper ball at Mayuri before it hit him he deflected it with a weak kido spell. Needless to say the kids were impressed. They swarmed around him and Mayuri was sandwiched between the wall and a wave of seven year olds.

They were invading his personal space. Mayuri liked his personal space. It belonged to him. It was private.

He tried to shoo them away but they kept on coming. Maybe he should get his sword out.

'What's the matter with you things?' Get away!' Mayuri yelled at them.

'Teacher, teacher, Yuji needs the bathroom!' a girl called out. Mayuri froze, he did not want to have someone wet themselves. That would just be so wrong. He couldn't take it. Kira and Mayuri managed to push the throng of children away and back to their desks. Some of the children had managed to clamber onto his back and were tugging at his mask and hat. After shaking them off Mayuri went to find Yuji.

But to Mayuri's dismay he found that little children looked the same.

'Gah, where the hell is Yuji?' he shouted.

'Ummmm, you're not allowed to say naughty words,' a girls said accusingly, Mayuri gave her the evils and she ran away. Some of the children were pointing to a small boy.

He had tears in his eyes and a hand between his legs the way kids do when they need the loo. There was also something wet on the floor. Oh dear, Mayuri thought, too late.

He hurried over to the boy but kept his distance at the same time.

'Are you ok?' Mayuri asked as nicely as he could. Yuji began to cry. It wasn't that Mayuri hadn't tried to be nice, Yuji was scared of clowns, and Mayuri had this crazed look about him.

When Yuji's wails got louder another child started to cry and then another. Soon the whole class was wailing.

Mayuri stumbled back in surprise. What was this? Some ritual group chant? Were they praying for something? Trying to raise the dead? Mayuri wasn't sure, but he couldn't take the crying anymore.

A brainwave hit Mayuri, it wasn't as good as Hisagi's and it didn't have a good idea but Mayuri did it anyway.

'Hey kids want to see something funny?!' he yelled at the children. Their bawling turned to sniffles and they looked up at him. Mayuri looked at their innocent faces, for some reason even Kira had cried. He gave them all a very wide, creepy grin.

'Watch this kids,' Mayuri said. He withdrew his zanpaktou and cut off his arm.

The limb fell to the floor and twitched. Children screamed. Mayuri quickly stabbed the stump with an syringe and the arm grew back.

'Was that cool or what?' Mayuri asked beaming at the group of children. Their faces were not what Mayuri was expecting. A few more children had lost control of their bowls and their mouths were hanging open. Some had fainted.

Kira poked, something on the floor, 'Mayuri taichou, I think you killed Yuji.'

Mayuri walked over and sure enough, little Yuji was lying on the floor looking very dead and pale. 'Was that your idea of calming children down?' Kira asked a little pale himself.

'I thought they would enjoy something like that,' Mayuri said defensively, Kira shook his head and lifted Yuji onto a desk.

Rei burst through the door.

'Oh my God! Is that blood on the floor? I heard screaming and I thought I should come in and check on you...,' she caught sight of Mayuri's arm on the floor and she gasped.

'What the hell?! Mayuri taichou, is that your arm?'

Mayuri walked to the front of the classroom and led Rei away from the limb. 'Teachers aren't allowed to say naughty words and yes it was my arm, now I have a new re-grown one.'

Rei frowned as she tried to process all of this information. 'You can re grow your limbs?'

'Yes, there is a special potion I use, it contains hGH and a special gene sequence,' Mayuri said in an offhand way, it's not like anyone knew what it was on about.

Rei's eyes widened, 'But that means you'd have to access the messenger ribonucleic proteins in the cells, and you'd need to find a way to start the production of the human growth hormone in the area of the humerus from the pituitary gland and you would have needed to accessed the gene codes from the chromosomes that contain deoxyribonucleic acid. After that you would have had to got the codes for the ulna, radius and carpals _and_ motor neuron cells. Even with all this done how could you have possibly created a chemical compound that allows a whole limb to be re grown?'

Mayuri thought he might have fallen in love. He noticed that when Rei was talking about science she wasn't so bashful...so hesitant anymore.

'Well, the answer lies in electrolysis,' Mayuri said excitedly.

'What are the teachers talking about?' Yuji asked, having woken up again.

'I don't have a clue,' Kira said patting him on the head.

'Electrolysis?' Rei said amazed.

'Yes, by remembering basics like the electrolysis of copper in sulphuric acid I was able to discern that by using this electrolysis I would be able to create a chemical base for my potion. Then I used the fermentation technique to create ethanol which is commonly known as alcohol. It's made from simple bonds between two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms and one oxygen. This created a hydroxide which is typically alkaline however when I mixed it with the chemical base it neutralised and by using titrations I was able to find out the concentration of both. This meant that I could find out what other chemicals would be needed. For example for the hydration of ethene creates ethanol and can be catalysed with burning phosphoric acid, this speeds up the reaction tenfold.'

Mayuri was nearly out of breath but it was worth it.

'Uh, if you want, I'll show you the method,' he said sheepishly.

'Oh wow! Really?'

'Erm, yeah, just come round to the twelfth squad barracks...'

'I will,' she replied.

'Good,' Mayuri said quite unsure about what to say.

The bell rang, the small children were all too eager to get out of the bloodstained classroom and rushed out.

Rei left.

Mayuri turned to Kira and said something he thought he'd never say in his whole life.

'I think I made a friend.'

* * *

**Gah, ****yay**** chapter over, by the way that science talk was true as in there were real facts in there but like it was a bit mixed up and all that. Mayuri's explanation of electrolysis was pretty bad and after that he started talking about making alcohol****...it just didn't make sense****. Deoxyribonucleic acid is DNA...I'm sure y'all knew that though. I named some arm bones as well and yeah...the chemical formula for ethanol really is C2H5OH...yeah...we did that in school...ain't science great...Rei was talking about biology and Mayuri was raving about Chemistry but who gives a damn.**

**Yumichika is not effected by women...poor thing...girly man that he is...**

**I like chewing gum but apparently chewing too much gives you laxative effects. Latin lessons were fun...we were translating this passage called Augustus punishes a lustful daughter.**

**Then for homework was doing work from a passage about three witched who approach a man while he's in bed. Then one of them stabs him in the throat. After that they bring the man back to life. But then the next day he died again. What was the point? **

**The ancients were pretty kinky that way. They loved all that lust and stuff... a poet called Ovid got exiled because he wrote a poem about the art of seducing people.**

**Unohana is evil. She is more evil than Aizen. In the rescue Rukia arc Aizen didn't fight Unohana because he was scared of her...she's that bad...she fools you with her nice smile...**

**I got told off for saying hell in class today...I normally don't get told off for saying that...I once called a computer gay and shouted at it...I didn't get told off for that either...but I get told off for saying hell.**

**Little kids...****ewww****...nastiness...they come in numbers...****eurgh****...I don't like them...****mah**

**That Terry is evil...there's gonna be more on him later...he did that to Kira's clothes on purpose...**

**Mayuri made a friend...he so needed one of those...and I can so imagine him trying to cheer children up by cutting his arm off. Manly men do that all the time.**

**Rose asked me to go to France with her and I felt special, but then she asked a load of other people and I didn't feel so special anymore. I've been to France lots. It's nice I guess...I've been to Barbados, America, Canada, ****Spain****...I'd really like to go to Australia though...they have nice weather...**

**A lot has happened since I last wrote a chapter. It has been two weeks. I just can't remember any of it.**

**One of them is to be careful when you go out into the woods...the wolves will ravage you. In caves its worse...the bats will rape you when you're not looking. If you're in the mountains it's going to be warlocks. Be warned. They're out there waiting for the unsuspecting victim.**

**THANK YOU FOR READING! Danke schon...arigatou...thank you...Gah... I'm crying with tears of ****gratituide****...hmm...maybe Mayuri will cut off his arm for me...**


	50. The Reason My Heart Beats

**Good morning!**

**Gah, school is so tiring...mostly when I get home I take a nap. Sleeping is good for you makes you feel fresh.**** Fresh is a funny word...makes me laugh...**

**Rose wasn't at school...she's never at school...****gah ****mah****...I miss her...**

**It was high time Mayuri made a friend. He is so lonely...poor thing. In the end he didn't want to cut off his arm again for me, he said it would make a mess. I wouldn't have minded.**

**Shunsui and Nanao are going to be in here somewhere...**

**I've got some news...it's not that big...I was thinking that this story is near the end and so with great feeling of um...joy I am telling you that this story will probably finish before 60 chapters...maybe probably...I don't know...this story has to end sometime so...yeah...we're coming to an end...****takes me ages to write a chapter though...so yeah...****the end is nigh...

* * *

**

Chapter 49

'I hear you have a lady friend.'

Mayuri looked up from the test papers, 'I don't know what you mean,' he replied blandly.

Shunsui patted him on the back, 'Sure you do. A little birdie told me you made friends with a pretty lady.'

Nanao whacked Shunsui on the head, she wasn't sure why she hit him but she felt it just had to be done.

Shunsui rubbed his head and gave her a tearful look, 'Waah, Nanao-chan, I didn't even say anything wrong.'

'She's just jealous,' Mayuri muttered, marking test papers with an absent mind. Some of the scores were pretty bad and Mayuri wondered what children were being taught these days. How on earth could two multiplied by two equal forty-eight? He glanced at the name at the top of the sheet. Oh dear, Mayuri thought, little Yuji who wet his pants seemed to have no talent for mathematics either. It was dinner time and Mayuri had arrived some time before from his first day of teaching in a mess, his clothes were blood stained and he was missing a sleeve but Kira had looked like he had lots of fun.

Nanao was in the right mind to give Mayuri a whack with the book too but quickly remembered her place. Shunsui noticed.

'Nanao-chan, it's ok to hit me but when Mayuri says something like that he gets away with it?' he asked.

'Well, that's different,' Nanao replied, not needing to say anymore.

Mayuri wanted peace, Mayuri wanted them to go away and Mayuri definitely wanted them to leave before Rei came. If she came.

Shunsui had no plans that included leaving and made himself at home on Mayuri's office couch.

'I'm expecting company, can't you go annoy someone else,' Mayuri sniffed and Shunsui smiled at him.

'So you _did_ make a friend,' he said.

'Uh, I didn't say that. Just because I am expecting company doesn't mean I made a lady friend,' Mayuri said.

'My dear Mayuri, no one would ever come visit you, so you must have met someone new,' Shunsui explained.

'Why are you here then?'

'That's different,' Shunsui said imitating Nanao. This earned him another bash with the book.

'You know, hitting him won't solve anything,' Mayuri said, trying to shoo them out of his office. Nanao sighed.

'I know, but I can try.'

Shunsui whimpered and gave Nanao puppy dog eyes. Mayuri opened the door and kicked him out. Shunsui would have flown through if it weren't for a person standing in the doorway. Instead the captain of the eighth squad toppled onto the person and landed flat on his back, effectively squishing whoever was standing outside the door.

'Mayuri, I have to say the floor outside of your office is really soft,' Shunsui mused. The three of them heard muffled noises from underneath him Shunsui.

'Oh my God, Mayuri, your floor is alive!' Shunsui squealed and quickly ran over to where Nanao was standing.

Rei groaned and sat up. Something big and pink had fallen on her. She wondered if it was a pink elephant. She'd never seen a pink elephant before and thought that it might be rather pretty to look at. She brushed her out of eyes and looked around. No pink elephant, only what seemed to be a large pink mass hiding behind the eighth squad lieutenant.

Mayuri was surprised.

He hadn't expected Rei to actually come and see him. Sure he wouldn't have minded if she hadn't because Mayuri like almost everyone else in the Soul Society thought he was friendless.

And when you start to think you're friendless then you really are a loser. Mayuri stood still in his office. Maybe he should talk to her? Or maybe he should help her up? Or maybe he should ask her out for ice cream? Mayuri liked ice cream, he liked the tooti fruiti flavour best. He wondered what Rei's favourite flavour was. He also wondered why he was thinking about her.

Shunsui peered over Nanao's shoulder. Oh my, he thought, who's this lovely lady?

As if reading her captain's mind Nanao beat him down with her book. Rei watched in horror. Mayuri gave them a look of pure annoyance and pulled Rei into his office. He slammed the door shut.

'Are they going to be ok?' Rei asked. Mayuri sat nervously in his chair. He hadn't talked to a woman before, at least not one who he barely knew. He wished Nemu was here.

'Don't worry about them, they're useless,' Mayuri replied quickly. Rei gave him a doubtful look but quickly realised where and who she was with. She bowed.

'Umm, sorry for intruding, Mayuri taichou,' she said. Mayuri was blown away by the politeness. It also reminded him of something else. If anything he shouldn't be thinking that they are friends. They had just met. They were work colleagues. Mayuri had the horrible feeling that he was the only one who was feeling this way.

'Er...right...so was there something you wanted?' he asked.

'Ummm, well you said I could visit to uh...see your experiments and ummm yeah but if you're busy I could come some another time,' she said rapidly staring at the floor. Mayuri had another brainwave, what if she was staring at the floor on the account of his face being so strange and ugly? Mayuri gasped internally. He felt so out of sorts that he was about to rip his mask off when Nemu walked into the room. Rei bowed again. Nemu bowed back silently.

Nemu had sensed her master's internal struggle and came to render aid. Not that Nemu was an expert at this.

'Mayuri-sama,' she said in her robot like manner. Mayuri looked at her gratefully.

'Err, Nemu-chan, why don't you take Rei downstairs and show her the labs, I'll...um be there in a moment,' Mayuri ordered, he felt weird, he was finding it a little hard to breathe properly. Was he hyperventilating?

No, Mayuri thought, I do not hyperventilate; I am too good for that.

So why did he feel like he was in dire need of a paper bag? The two women left and Mayuri, making a rather strangled sound, slumped into his chair. He felt hot and cold, maybe he had a fever. After a few minutes Mayuri felt a little better, opened a window and stuck his head outside. It was one of those rare days where the sky was overcast and Mayuri couldn't help but think that it reflected his mood somewhat.

When he shut the window he was surprised to see Shunsui sitting in his chair.

'What do you want?' Mayuri said, not in the mood for the other captain's teasing.

'Well, I thought that you might someone to talk to before you rejoin your _guest_,' Shunsui explained. Mayuri sat in his chair, he wasn't surprised that Shunsui had been eavesdropping.

'No, I don't, go away.'

Shunsui pouted, 'Awww come on. I'm only trying to be helpful.'

Mayuri doodled on a notepad and flicked his gaze over to the clock.

'Fine you have five minutes,' Mayuri sighed rolling his eyes. Shunsui sat up.

'Well, who is your friend?' he began.

'Her name is Rei.'

'What does she like?'

'Science.'

'Ew.'

Mayuri frowned, 'What's so wrong about that?'

'Nothing nothing, but I guess that's the only reason she can stand your overall creepiness,' Shunsui said.

'My what!?' Mayuri shouted back standing up. Shunsui looked shocked. To him Mayuri looked like a fairly intelligent man/thing, how could he not know that he was giving off the creepy vibe?

'Didn't you know?' he asked.

'Know what?' Mayuri replied confused. Shunsui looked at him dumbfounded.

'Mayuri, I hate to say this, but you're really scary and umm...you're a freak,' Shunsui said bluntly. Mayuri reeled backwards and collided with his chair.

'B-b-but I thought I was quite nice,' Mayuri stuttered in a daze.

'You wanted to steal people's organs for crying out loud. How was that nice?'

'Uh, well, I was going to give them back after,' Mayuri said weakly and Shunsui narrowed his eyes.

'That doesn't make things any better.'

'I thought it would.'

----

Rei followed Nemu around the twelfth squad headquarters, it had taken them a long time to see the all the different projects that Mayuri was working on and it surprised her that she had been there almost two hours.

'This is the master's special collection,' Nemu said in a dreamlike way. Rei scanned the shelves which were filled with jars and canisters. She frowned.

'What's that?' she asked pointing to a jar filled with a greenish liquid, floating eerily were two disfigured lumps. Nemu looked at it.

'Those are what remain of the master's ears,' Nemu explained and Rei wished she hadn't asked. So all those rumours were true, she thought, Mayuri actually didn't have any ears. She shivered at the thought. She couldn't imagine life without her ears. They meant a lot to her.

'That's a bit creepy.' Rei mused.

'I don't think so,' Nemu replied.

Mayuri watched with Shunsui from behind a filing cabinet.

'They look like they're having fun,' Shunsui commented but Mayuri didn't think so. He didn't think that Nemu had to tell Rei the truth about his ears. He had been going through a rough patch at the time. Nemu could have said they were pickled plums or something.

'They don't look very much like pickled plums,' Shunsui said thoughtfully. Mayuri stared at him.

'You were speaking out loud, and what happened that was so bad that you had to cut off your ears?' Shunsui asked curious.

'Nothing,' Mayuri muttered, not wanting to get into the details. That was a story for another time and place.

'Aww, come on you can tell me. If you do I'll tell you the story about how I broke a bathtub in Byakuya's house,' Shunsui said. Mayuri shut his eyes. He didn't really want to know about Shunsui and his bathtub breaking escapades. That just invited a whole host of unwanted mental pictures to mind.

'As lovely as that sounds, I'd rather not,' he replied and Shunsui huffed.

'Fine, but at least let me give you some advice,' he said, 'Whatever you do don't talk about cutting ears off when Rei is around, otherwise you'll find that she won't talk to you anymore no matter how much you like science.

Mayuri gave him the evils, 'I'm not a complete dunce, I don't talk to anyone about _those_ days, not even Nemu.'

'You make it sound so interesting,' Shunsui said. The two women were still there talking about Mayuri's various experiments. Shunsui had a brainwave. His were marginally better than Mayuri's ones.

'Hey Mayuri, go talk to them,' he said to the other captain. Mayuri stiffened.

'Umm, I think Nemu's doing a pretty bang up job. I think I'll just stay here and watch.'

'You're not going to get anywhere with this relationship if you just sit and watch. You'll end up being a stalker-pervert thing,' Shunsui explained.

'I don't have a relationship with her,' Mayuri argued.

'Don't you want to change that?' Shunsui said and pushed Mayuri towards where the two were standing.

Now this is going to be interesting, Shunsui thought as Mayuri stumbled to halt beside his lieutenant.

Rei and Nemu looked up when Mayuri came over to them. He stopped beside Nemu and was silent. He saw Shunsui waving rapidly at him from behind the filing cabinet. He was mouthing 'say something'.

Mayuri cleared his throat.

'Err, hello ladies.' Shunsui slapped a hand to his forehead.

'Greetings Mayuri-sama,' Nemu acknowledged her captain's arrival.

'Hello, captain Mayuri,' Rei said respectfully, once again looking at the floor. Mayuri noticed this and was still thinking this was because he was so ugly. Maybe he should take his mask off. Mayuri frowned, I can't do that, he thought, when she sees me with no ears she'll probably scream and run away.

Mayuri didn't want this to happen. So he kept his mask on and tried to talk about something.

'Erm, so did you like the labs and...stuff?' Mayuri asked nervously. For some reason her opinion meant a lot to him.

'Yes, it's wonderful. You have so much technology, and you're experiments are really advanced for their time,' Rei praised, 'I'm so impressed it think I'll have to change squads.'

Yes, Mayuri thought, you should do that, then I can see you more often.

'Sorry?' Rei said, unsure whether she had misheard.

Shunsui once again slapped a hand to his forehead thinking that Mayuri should really learn not to speak his thoughts out loud.

Mayuri noticed his mistake and cursed himself. Great, he thought, I just came across as some sick perverted masked man who pickled his own ears.

'I don't think you're a sick perverted masked man at all,' Rei said and Shunsui wished Mayuri would learn to keep his mouth shut, 'Although it is odd that you pickled your ears I don't think you're a bad person.'

This made Mayuri feel happy, he wasn't sure why. Normally he wouldn't give a damn what people thought of him.

'That's good,' Mayuri said with relief and to change the subject asked if he could show Rei the rest of the barracks.

'That would be great, I hope I'm not wasting your time though,' she replied.

'Not at all,' Mayuri said and ordered Nemu to finish his paperwork and marking the tests from earlier on.

----

Sometime after Rei had left, Mayuri was pacing in his office. For some unfathomable reason Shunsui was still there slouched on his couch.

'That went well,' Shunsui said breaking the silence.

'It did, didn't it?' Mayuri agreed.

'Yes, although you should learn to not speak your thoughts,' Shunsui suggested, sipping sake that Mayuri could have sworn wasn't there before.

'You do it too, you know.'

'Not as much as you, Mayuri,' Shunsui replied and after realising his sake was finished, started looking around the room for some more.

Mayuri sighed and sat at his desk, 'Hey, can you stop going through my things,' he snapped at Shunsui who was going through his cupboards.

'Where do you keep the sake?' he asked.

'I don't drink,' Mayuri said and Shunsui looked at him mortified.

'What!? No wonder you've turned out the way you have,' Shunsui murmured shaking his head and Mayuri looked at him angrily.

'What do you mean by that?'

'Well, I think you need to get drunk once in a while, makes us human,' Shunsui said.

'No, it makes you an alcoholic, my body is my temple,' Mayuri said and Shunsui snorted.

'Mayuri you've done everything possible to your body, it ain't a temple mate,' he explained. Shunsui rummaged through the many pockets of his robe and brought out a bottle of sake.

Mayuri looked warily at him and eyed the bottle. Shunsui grinned.

'What are you going to do with that?' Mayuri asked inching backwards in his chair.

'I'm going to get you drunk,' Shunsui said as if explaining surgery to him.

'Why?'

'Well, when you're drunk...things become fun. Oh, do you have any ice cream about?'

'Why?'

'Ice cream goes well with sake,' Shunsui said absently while taking off the lid to the sake.

'Umm, there's some in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet,' Mayuri said trying to distract Shunsui so he could run away but Shunsui had other plans.

'Mayuri find the empirical formula of the iron oxide produced when 44.8 grams of iron reacts with 19.2 grams of oxygen,' Shunsui said. Mayuri found a piece of paper and tried to work it out, scribbling his workings in a frenzy.

Shunsui smiled to himself, that should keep him occupied, he thought, now he can't escape.

'The answer is two atoms of iron to three atoms of oxygen!' Mayuri shouted triumphantly.

Shunsui stood next to him. 'I don't know the answer but I'm sure it's right,' he said and plonked the tub of ice cream in front of Mayuri.

It was then that Mayuri realised that Shunsui had tricked him. 'That was a dirty trick,' Mayuri mumbled.

'Yeah, well, you fell for it,' Shunsui replied and shoved the bottle of sake into Mayuri's mouth, 'Now drink up deary.'

Mayuri choked as he felt the alcohol hit his throat. He rather liked the feeling and before long he'd finished the bottle. 'Didn't you want some?' Mayuri asked, hiccupping as he did so.

Shunsui was helping himself to ice cream, 'Oh don't worry, there's some more.' Shunsui pointed to three other bottles of sake lined up neatly on Mayuri's desk.

'Where did they come from?' Mayuri said, he picked one up, it warm. 'Why is the bottle warm?'

Shunsui shifted uncomfortably, 'Well I always keep sake on me and I was running out of space so I...'

'I don't want to know any more,' Mayuri said putting the bottle back.

'Aww don't be like that, drink drink drink,' he chanted, Mayuri never got the hang of peer pressure and reluctantly opened another bottle. Shunsui who was thoroughly enjoying himself tipped the bottle into Mayuri's mouth and he choked again.

'Could you stop doing that,' Mayuri shouted angrily. He tried to stand up but instantly felt dizzy, he sat back down and found . 'Woah, what's happening?'

Shunsui had already finished a bottle and was eating his ice cream through a straw.

'This is drunk,' he said.

Mayuri frowned, 'That's not a proper sentence.'

'Well only drunk people say it so they have to say it in a drunk way,' Shunsui reasoned.

'That didn't make any sense,' Mayuri said.

'Nor does science.'

Mayuri upturned the ice cream tub on Shunsui's head.

----

The alarm clock went off.

Mayuri frowned in his sleep. His head. It hurt.

He groaned and cracked an eye open, sunlight streamed in and his headache cranked up another notch. He squirmed and shut his eyes again.

Mayuri felt his arm move automatically and he slammed his hand down on the alarm. It stopped. Silence.

He heard the door open and someone stopped near him. He thought he heard water sloshing around in a bucket. He was probably mishearing things.

Nemu wasn't sure what to do when Mayuri didn't wake up at the sound of his alarm. The fact that he had slept in his office all night also made Nemu worried. It didn't help that Shunsui had stayed also and Nemu couldn't help but feel that the eighth squad captain was a bad influence on her master.

She poured the bucket of water over her captain who instantly sat upright banged his head in the back of the chair.

Mayuri covered his head with his arms and moaned, Nemu thought he sounded like a ghost, she told him this.

'Nemu, that isn't funny, gah, my head, it hurts,' Mayuri said weakly.

'You have a hangover,' he heard Shunsui say.

'And whose fault is that?' Mayuri muttered he tried opening his eyes again and squinted at how bright the room was.

'Nemu, shut the curtains,' he ordered.

'There aren't any curtains in the office,' Nemu said, giving Mayuri some headache pills. He downed the whole bottle.

'That isn't healthy,' Nemu said quietly and Mayuri glared at her.

'Drinking and eating ice cream isn't either,' he said turning to Shunsui who was still covered with ice cream and was staring to smell. 'That was my favourite ice cream,' he mumbled to himself. Shunsui licked some off his sleeve and wrinkled his nose.

'Eww, it's tuiti fruity flavour,' he said.

'What's wrong with that?' Mayuri asked holding an ice pack to his head.

'Tuiti fruity is nasty,' Shunsui said flatly. Mayuri wanted to strangle Shunsui but couldn't be bothered, he just didn't have the energy.

'What's wrong with me?' he asked Shunsui.

'You have a hangover and for that matter so do I, it'll go away,' the other man replied.

'Mayuri-sama might I remind you that you have to go to school in half an hour,' Nemu said and Mayuri made a strangled sound.

'I don't need this, can't I take a sick day or something?' he said.

'Then you wouldn't get to see Rei,' Shunsui muttered, drinking coffee. Mayuri didn't really want Rei to see him like this. He frowned when he saw Shunsui drinking coffee.

'Where did you get that from?' he asked.

'Oh, sorry did you want some?' Shunsui asked pulling out a fresh pot from a pocket in his robes, Mayuri couldn't handle it. He wondered how deep Shunsui's pockets were.

'That's just plain weird,' Mayuri muttered. Shunsui thought this was a little rich coming from Mayuri who was the definition of weird.

'Well you store things in your nose,' Shunsui said.

'Yes, but not fresh pots of coffee,' Mayuri replied. Fair point, Shunsui thought.

'It helps relieve hangovers,' Shunsui said and Mayuri held out his hand slowly. Shunsui handed him a mug.

There was a knock at the door and Kira walked in thankfully this time with his clothes on.

'Good morning Mayuri taichou, are you ready to leave?' he asked cheerfully. Mayuri gave him a dark look.

'Oh piss off,' he muttered, Kira's smile never faltered, possibly because he didn't know what piss off meant.

'I'm sorry I came early but I was really excited, I couldn't even sleep I was so looking forward to today,' Kira explained, jumping up and down on the spot.

'What are you doing?' Mayuri asked.

'I'm jumping for joy,' Kira said. Mayuri didn't ask anymore.

'Well, looks like you have a busy day ahead of you May-kun. I'll just leave you to it,' Shunsui said and taking the mug off Mayuri, he waltzed out of the room.

Mayuri despised being called May-kun, he couldn't believe that Shunsui had called him that. He also couldn't believe that Shunsui taken the coffee when he hadn't even drank any yet.

He looked over to Kira who was bouncing on the balls of his feet with a silly grin plastered across his face.

'Kira, what's that on your back?' he asked.

'Oh this?' Kira replied turning around so Mayuri could see it, 'It's a Chappi the Rabbit backpack, I thought it was cool so brought it with me.'

Mayuri sighed. There was definitely something wrong with this boy.

'I don't think there is anything wrong with me,' Kira said confused. Mayuri wanted to hit himself. Shunsui was right, he had to control his thoughts.

'I'm going to prove there is something wrong with you,' Mayuri said and Kira cocked his head to the side the way pets do. Mayuri walked around his desk and sat on his desk.

'Kira, where do babies come from?'

Kira was stumped by this question. He squinted and looked up at the ceiling deep in thought. Mayuri sighed, his point proven.

'The come from the post office,' Kira said quickly and Mayuri looked at him, 'When a mummy and a daddy decide they want children they fill out this form and a baby gets delivered to them...'

Mayuri shook his head in disgust. There was definitely something wrong with this boy.

'Let's just go to school,' Mayuri muttered.

----

By the time they reached the school they were already a good ten minutes late but Mayuri didn't care. His headache even though it was still there wasn't as bad as before and he felt more prepared for the little things that made up his class.

When he entered the classroom everyone was silent. The bloodstains by the desk had been cleaned but the memory remained. The children were quiet and Mayuri thought this was a good thing.

He took roll call and wrote 'science' on the board. He turned around and every child sat stiff in their chair. Except for Kira who was smiling in the front row. Mayuri really wanted to knock some sense into that boy.

'Can anyone tell me anything scientific,' Mayuri said to the class.

Thirty five hands went into the air and Mayuri smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

'Yuji, why don't you start off?' Mayuri said pointing at the small boy who had started off yesterday's fiasco.

'If you eat beans then you fart a lot,' the boy answered. Mayuri deflated, he had high hopes for this class. Now they were nothing but wild dreams and fantasies.

Mayuri pointed to another child, this time a girl.

'Um, plants are alive,' she said timidly. The rest of the class laughed at her. Plant, alive? What a silly thing to say. Plants were plants they didn't speak and they didn't move, they obviously couldn't be alive. Mayuri looked at the small girl and pang of guilt. Maybe he should do something.

He drew his sword and the laughing children were instantly silent.

'This girl,' Mayuri pointed his sword at the child and she gripped the sides of the chair hard, 'was right. Plants are alive.'

The girl breathed a sigh of relief and Mayuri gave her smile. The girl screamed and ran out of the room. Kira thought Mayuri needed to work on his smile.

As if something had snapped the remaining children all turned to Mayuri, hostility in their eyes. Mayuri gulped, sixty six eyes stared at him. He felt out numbered.

'Err Kira, what's wrong with them, they're looking at me,' Mayuri whispered. Kira looked around the class room.

'Well, you scared off one of their own, now they don't like you,' Kira said simply.

'You make them sound like some tribe out of the rainforest or something,' Mayuri mumbled and walked back up to the front of the class. When he turned around again Mayuri's eyes nearly popped out.

Every child had somehow changed into what looked to be various styles of loin cloths and animal skins they also had red paint streaked across their faces.

'Kira, what just happened?' Mayuri asked becoming afraid.

'We got the fingerprint paint and dressed up as red Indians,' Kira said.

'We?' Mayuri turned to Kira who had also dressed up in a loin cloth and red paint. 'What are you doing?!' Mayuri shouted, how did Kira get mixed up in this? Before he knew it he was under attack.

Someone had jumped on him. They clung to his neck and Mayuri choked. Mayuri reached behind his back but was jumped on by two other little children.

Soon Mayuri was covered in kids. He toppled onto the floor. One sat on his head and two other clung onto his legs. The children were screaming. Mayuri didn't know why. It was like a war cry. They were going crazy. Maybe they were going to use his for some ritual sacrifice. Mayuri didn't like the sound of that and tried to shake them off. However, the more he struggled the more the children would cling to him.

Little Yuji crawled up to Mayuri's face and tugged at his mask.

'Hey! I'm your teacher. What are you doing?' he yelled at the small boy. Yuji didn't listen but kept tugging. Mayuri managed to stand but he still had children holding and swinging off his limbs.

'Kira! Help me!' Mayuri called out. Kira shrugged his shoulders and joined in with the screaming. Mayuri was surrounded by idiots.

Little Yuji viciously pulled at Mayuri's mask. 'Oh my days! Child are you wrong in the head? The mask doesn't come off like that, it goes over the head. Are you mentally unstable or something?' Mayuri shouted.

After another minute Yuji got the idea and tried to pull the mask over Mayuri's head. After a few moments the mask came free and Yuji ripped it off. Mayuri drew his sword and instantly put it into its released form.

The door burst open and Rei rushed in holding the small girl that Mayuri had scared of before.

She froze. The children froze. Kira kept screaming.

'Kira, shut up,' Mayuri said. Kira was quiet.

Mayuri was having a mental breakdown. Gah! She's seen my face, she must be really freaked and to make things worse I look like I'm about to decapitate thirty three children. What do I do? Maybe if I jump out a window she won't notice.

'Mayuri taichou?' Rei said slowly setting the little girl on the floor. She didn't think Mayuri looked like this under the mask. To be honest she was expecting a horribly disfigured warlock type creature. She rather liked the real Mayuri, with his messy blue hair and odd gold eyes. Much better than a warlock.

'A disfigured warlock? I feel rather disappointed that you thought I actually looked like that,' Mayuri said, 'You shouldn't speak your thoughts out loud, nothing good will ever come of it.'

'My apologies, Mayuri taichou,' Rei said quickly staring at the floor. See I was right, Mayuri thought, she doesn't like my real face either. This made him rather sad. Mayuri found he didn't like being sad.

'Could you help me?' Mayuri asked, he was finding it hard to breathe. Little children were suffocating. Rei told them to get off him and they did. Why do they listen to her? Mayuri was stumped. The last child slithered down his back and he was free.

'Why is your sword out?' she asked and Mayuri looked at it quickly and tried to hide it behind his back.

'Err, nothing, just teaching them life skills,' Mayuri replied with nervous laughter. 'Umm, anyways, what am I meant to teach them?'

Rei looked at him, 'Well you teach them the alphabet and do finger painting.'

'No science?' Mayuri said surprised.

'Yes, no science, that's too much for them,' Rei explained.

Mayuri sighed.

He put his mask back on.

Teaching was no fun.

-----

The end of the school day came quick after that. Mayuri had them paint pictures for the rest of the morning and in the afternoon he let them run free while he sat in the teachers' lounge.

When he returned to his office Shunsui was waiting for him. Mayuri sighed when he saw him and sat at his desk.

'What do you want?' he said irritably.

'I wanted to know how this Rei makes you feel,' Shunsui said, steepling his fingers in front of him. He thought it made him look special and scholarly.

'Well if that isn't random,' Mayuri muttered, 'It's none of your business.'

'No need to be mean. It's just because yesterday you said some things...,' Shunsui said tactfully.

'What things?' Mayuri said his curiosity piqued.

'Weeeel, you were saying how you liked this Rei and how she didn't like your face,' Shunsui said and Mayuri laughed bitterly.

'I was drunk.'

'Yeah, you still sounded sincere,' Shunsui said. It didn't sound right saying that. When did Mayuri ever sound sincere?

'You know what? Every time I see her my ventricles contract faster than they should,' Mayuri murmured.

Shunsui stared at him. 'What did you just say?'

'She makes my ventricles contract faster,' Mayuri said as if he was talking to a wall.

'Mayuri, I don't know what that means,' Shunsui said, 'It doesn't sound very nice either.'

'It means she makes my heart beat faster, you plank! The ventricles are the bottom two chambers of the heart,' Mayuri explained.

'Oh,' Shunsui said. 'You could have just said she made your heart beat faster.'

'That doesn't quite convey what I wanted it to,' Mayuri said, 'It had to be scientific.'

'Tell me Mayuri, what else do you know about the heart,' Shunsui asked.

----

Nanao wondered where her captain had got to. Probably fooling around with Mayuri in his office. Nanao sighed, that wasn't a good way to put it. She kneaded her forehead with a fist and lay down on the office couch. It was early evening. She could probably get away with a nap before her captain came back. She shut her eyes.

'Nanao-chan.'

Nanao frowned in her sleep.

'You are my SAN,' a voice said, it sounded oddly like her captain. Nanao opened her eyes. It was dark outside and the lights were off. She must have overslept. Shunsui sat next to her.

'Nanao-chan you are my sinal atrial node,' Shunsui murmured. Nanao scowled.

'What is that supposed to mean?' she asked sleepily.

'You are the reason my atriums contract,' he whispered. Nanao was never any good at biology. She felt his lips touch her cheek.

'Try again,' she said and she heard Shunsui laugh.

'I didn't get it the first time either. You are my sinal atrial node, you make my heart muscles contract. You are the reason my heart beats the way it does. That's what it means,' he said.

Nanao thought he could have said this in about ten different simpler ways.

'That's nice, you could have just said 'I love you'' she said.

'Where's the fun in that?' Shunsui said.

Nanao had a brainwave. Since Nanao was a clever person her brainwaves were quite good ones.

Even though it was dark she could still see Shunsui faintly. She held the front of his haori and looked into his eyes.

He held her gaze.

'If I said I love you, would that not be good enough,' she said and Shunsui blinked, surprised by her change in mood.

'Nanao-chan, when you say it, it's always good enough,' he said quietly.

'That sounded cheesy,' she mumbled, her forehead resting against his.

'So sue me,' he replied and kissed her. 'Say it again, I think I misheard the first time.'

'Say what?' Nanao asked innocently.

'Gah, infuriating woman that you are. Say that you love me.'

After all this time, here we are, Nanao thought.

'Shunsui Kyoraku you are my sinal atrial node,' she said.

Shunsui laughed, 'In other words...'

'I love you.'

* * *

**Over. ****Yay****. That took a long time. Yes it did.**

**My old physics teacher used to say 'hello ladies,' all the time to us... well the 'ladies' bit anyways.**

**Mayuri is a freakazoid...but a lovable one..**

**Kira is a silly little boy. Innocence is hard to come by but Kira is full of the stuff.**

**Sorry that this was amazingly late. Coursework killed me and well on some nights I just couldn't string a sentence together.**

**Rose is my SAN. No I lie that is not true. The ****sinal****atrial**** node makes the atriums contract which makes blood move to the ventricles which causes the ****atrial**** ventricular node to make the ****ventricals**** contract which make blood move around the body. Trust Mayuri to only speak in biological terms. I learnt that in science. Fun ****Fun**

**On the topic of school I am going to see a play on Wednesday. It's in Ancient Greek and is about a guy who married his mother and had children. Ain't that nice.**

**Oh well, I guess there wasn't much in this chapter really. Sorry. I hope the next will be better. Little kids attack you. They are crazy things.**

**Oh yeah, this story is going to have to end at some point, which is near because this story has gone on for a very long time. **

**Maybe I will write another one, but I'm not sure. I wouldn't have a clue what to write about.**

**Mayuri liked ****tuity**** fruity ice cream. I like that flavour too. Although I like Ben and Jerry's fish food ice cream. I like mint choc chip ice cream too. I like all ice cream to be honest. But Mayuri is really fussy.**

**Shunsui and Nanao...****woah****...maybe I could have made that better...me is not sure...**

**Right now my mind is full of mammal things...so I couldn't possible write a poem...unless you want your eyes burnt out of your skulls...no I jest...this is just an elaborate excuse to say ****I'm useless and don't have poem to write down.**

**Sorry. You are all my SANs. Without you I would break down and die...****mmm****...a bit dramatic methinks. Well, thank you for reading! Watch out for the next chapter! Probably won't show itself anytime soon.**


	51. Be My Daddy!

**Good Afternoon!**

**Yop**** this is me!**** So how be you this fine day? Me be good...****yay**** 50 chapters...****yay****...me happy...****yay**

**Ok moving onto stuff...I still don't have a twelfth task, if worse comes to worse then I'll put back in the original one of falling in love. ****Yay****woot****...ten chapters to go!**

**Oh well, let's get moving...no one wants to hear me ramble about stuff...****meh****except this was really ****really**** late because I was very ill, ask rose, she knows. I was drowning in a sea of tissues...my nose would not stop leaking...****eurgh****...nastiness...**

**Kira and Mayuri have bad experiences with pick up lines in this chapter as well as Byakuya's bathtub tale. Bear with this...I think it's a bit slow...

* * *

**

Chapter 50

Once upon a time Byakuya went to school.

He was meant to have fun at school. It was the only time in his life where he would have been allowed to have fun.

He didn't.

His parents thought he was a model child.

Most of the elders thought he would make an excellent heir.

One rather eccentric elder thought Byakuya was gay.

Indeed Byakuya's teachers had nothing but praise for him although they did say he didn't talk to the other children much and was rather quiet but of course this didn't mean Byakuya was a gay.

The eccentric elder decided to investigate further.

When Byakuya was in his last year of the shinigami academy the elder received a harrowing report from one of housekeepers who he sent to the school in disguise.

'How is he?' the elder asked from behind his huge desk. The messenger, bowing on the floor, sighed. Why was this elder sending him to a damn school? Master Byakuya was fine, he even said so himself. Although, the messenger had to admit there was something wrong with the Kuchiki heir. He just didn't know how to describe it.

'Master Byakuya is doing fine,' the messenger began, 'he scored top in the class for their recent assignment on Seireitei history.'

'That's pleasing news,' the elder said, he took a sip of tea and stared at the messenger, who stared firmly at the floor. 'Anything else?'

'I also executed plan booby,' the messenger said wondering who came up with that name. There was silence, a clock ticked in the background, white moonlight shone through a small window and the tension in the room grew tenfold. After a few minutes of this silence the elder spoke.

'Uh, what plan was that?' he asked feebly and the messenger rolled his eyes. This elder was really getting out of hand, the messenger thought, he's the one who made to stupid plan up.

'The one where you hired a woman with ample assets to smother herself all over Master Byakuya,' the messenger explained. The elder's eyes flashed.

'I remember now,' he said quickly, ' and tell me what happened?' The messenger had a horrible feeling that the elder only remembered because of the woman they hired.

'Well...'

----

Matsumoto wasn't sure what she was doing in the shinigami academy at dinnertime. Her stomach rumbled but then she remembered that she was getting paid for this. The messenger gave her a thumbs up signal and hid behind the school building. Any minute now, a man would walk this way and all she had to do was to subtly fall on him. Matsumoto had been reluctant at first, saying that they could have chosen any woman. The messenger was pretty quick in telling her she was the only one with the right 'equipment' and so she had grudgingly accepted thinking that she needed some drinking money anyway.

Matsumoto was leaning against a signpost when she heard footsteps, she quickly straightened up and tried to look as if she were lost.

The man walked into view and Matsumoto stared.

Oh dear, she thought, don't tell me that's him. Everyone knew who he was. She turned quickly to the messenger who was making crazy rapid hand signals. Matsumoto gave him a confused look and the messenger slapped his forehead in exasperation. He pointed at the man and then at her. Matsumoto paled.

It wasn't the like the man was ugly. He was the complete opposite. In fact she wouldn't mind falling on him. The problem was with who he was.

Byakuya was hungry.

He was heading home after a training session that had overrun. A personal butler trotted neatly beside him holding his bag. Byakuya sighed inwardly. He was capable of carrying his own things. Well it wouldn't matter soon. A few months later he would graduate and then he wouldn't have need a butler to carry his things for him.

He caught sight of a young woman staring intently at a signpost. She looked a little lost and Byakuya wondered if he should help her. He knew that his parents didn't like him talking to those below him. Since a young age he had been taught to see not people's faces but their status. Byakuya didn't enjoy this much.

He passed closer to the woman, then she turned around and Byakuya quickly put on his best stony expression. That woman would be distracting, and to Byakuya's horror he found himself wondering whether they were real. His father had told him not to look at beautiful women or indeed women at all. They always had a hidden agenda and he was taught that he was meant to set an example to others. His father had also told him not to show affection and so by these teachings Byakuya was well trained to be the perfect rich family heir. Byakuya thought that with all this training he was better off being a monk.

Byakuya veered away from the woman and then it happened.

Byakuya wasn't aware that he was falling till he hit the floor.

'Oh my gosh! Are you alright!?' Matsumoto shouted, effectively smothering Byakuya. There was no answer except for faint muffled sounds coming from underneath her. Matsumoto shifted her weight a little so that Byakuya's face could be seen. His facial expression disturbed Matsumoto. Normally guys would have a red embarrassed face or sometimes they would act all hot and bothered. But not Byakuya.

Matsumoto immediately got up off the Kuchiki heir and bowed deeply. Byakuya had on his best blank look, but to be honest it was kind of hard to keep it up, his face wanted to turn red but ,no, he was too good for that and he walked off rather robotically. It took most of his willpower not to look back.

He's either gay or very well restrained, Matsumoto thought as Byakuya walked by, his eyes focused on the path in front of him. Matsumoto wasn't used to this lack of attention and frowned. The messenger came over looking confused.

'That wasn't how it was meant to go,' he mumbled and Matsumoto turned to him.

'No kidding, what's up with that guy, I practically threw myself at him,' she said.

'You _did_ throw yourself at him, and he just walked away,' the messenger said scratching his head, 'he really is gay.'

Matsumoto sighed, 'Look this is none of my business but you sort that guy out, people will just end up thinking he's a heartless bastard.'

'I hope not.'

----

The elder sat in silence.

The messenger sighed, he really wanted to go to sleep, but no, here he was indulging some old geezer's fantasies. He really should have got a better job. Damn those job centre people, he thought bitterly, thinking that he could have been a decent real estate agent or something.

'This is bad news,' the elder said finally.

Well, duh, the messenger thought.

'It is worse than I thought, I am going to have to take things into my own hands,' the elder said.

The messenger coughed, 'Sir, you only have one hand...'

The elder looked at the disfigured lump that made up his left hand, 'Oh my gosh, when did this happen?'

'Over a thousand years ago, you know that bar fight with your drinking friend Yamamoto...' the messenger said hoping that the elder would remember.

'Ah yes, Yamamoto the scoundrel, didn't I got to his funeral last week?'

'No, that was you Aunty Kiko's funeral, Yamamoto is the head of the thirteen protection guard squads...remember?'

'Wait, I thought I was the head of the thirteen protection guard squads,' the old man replied, tapping his chin.

'Look, sir, weren't you talking about a plan or something for Master Byakuya?' the messenger said quickly trying to change the topic.

'Oh, was I?'

The messenger groaned, he was going to be here for a long time.

----

'A party?'

'Yes sir, it will take place here tomorrow evening after your graduation and acceptance into the thirteen guard squads,' the butler said handing his master a clean towel.

'What for?'

'Your graduation sir.'

Byakuya frowned and splashed cold water onto his face. A party? He was pretty sure he hadn't been to one before let alone having one in his own house. Why now? He knew his family didn't like that sort of thing. What had changed their minds?

'Who is invited to this...get together?' Byakuya asked, now changing into clean robes.

'Well it seems like the family has invited pretty much everyone,' the manservant replied and Byakuya raised an eyebrow.

'Err well, some of the captains and lieutenants from the guard squads and various other family friends. Oh yes I forgot to mention that your parents and elders are going to be out of the manor when the party starts.'

Now Byakuya knew something was wrong. His whole family was actually leaving the house so he would be alone? That didn't sound like them at all. He decided to find out what was going on.

----

There were not many things that Byakuya was afraid of. In fact he could proudly say he wasn't afraid of anything. Except for that one person.

Byakuya walked towards the dining room when he saw him. The one handed elder who gave strange stares whenever he passed. As a small child Byakuya had found the elder more frightening. He always had nightmares that revolved around him running away from the head of the elder with that creepy stump waving about and frothy drool flowing from his mouth.

Byakuya bowed slightly and hurried to the dining room. He was surprised to find Jushiro Ukitake there sipping tea from a small cup. Byakuya bowed again and Ukitake laughed.

'We're all friends here, you don't have to bow, and I'm pretty sure you're of a higher status that me,' he said and Byakuya sat down.

'What brings you here?' Byakuya asked the older man.

'Well, I was wondering if the rumours were true,' Ukitake replied.

'What rumours?'

'The ones about a party that is supposedly happening tomorrow.'

Byakuya frowned, why did everyone know except for him? 'Yes it is true, there will be a party tomorrow.'

'So, who's coming?'

'Everyone,' Byakuya replied flatly

'That was a bit vague,' Ukitake said.

'It's the truth,' Byakuya muttered with a dark look on his face. Ukitake smiled at him.

I don't know why you are so depressed. Parties are fun, you get to socialise,' he explained.

'I don't know what that is.'

'Sure you do, don't worry, my good friend Shunsui Kyoraku is coming too I think, that will liven things up a little,' Ukitake said encouragingly.

Byakuya doubted this very much. He had heard about this Shunsui character. Byakuya was going to make sure he kept the doors locked when he came.

----

The evening of the party came. Byakuya thought it came to quick. He hadn't time to prepare. He didn't know what to do.

Maybe he should greet people at the door, but the servants seemed to have got that covered. Byakuya was nervous. He wondered aimlessly between food tables and stands with drinks on them. His parents, before they left, said that he could give the rules a rest and do what he wanted. The only problem was that Byakuya wasn't really sure what he wanted.

The room slowly filled up and Byakuya noticed with some uncertainty that there were a lot of women in the room. Byakuya didn't know what to do next. People seemed to be getting along fine by themselves and no one looked as if they really wanted to talk to him.

This suited Byakuya fine and he retreated to the back of the room, sipping water and eating party food.

The night went on and Byakuya found that most people just got a lot more energetic. He wondered how this was possible then he noticed how much sake had been taken.

They weren't energetic they were just drunk, Byakuya thought in dismay. Someone tapped him on the shoulder. It was one of the messengers that worked for the elders. To be honest Byakuya didn't know why he worked for the elders. They were ultra boring. Byakuya thought he would have made a better real estate agent or something.

'What's the matter?' Byakuya asked him. The messenger's eyes darted about the room rapidly, sweat beaded down the side of his face.

'Err, well I was wondering if you wanted to know why you're even having this party,' he said anxiously, then as if he were hiding from someone he quickly ducked behind a table.

'What are you doing?' Byakuya asked not a trace of amusement to be found in his voice.

'He's here,' the messenger said cryptically.

'Who?'

'Him,' the messenger said simply pointing at the shadows that Byakuya was sure weren't there before.

There he was, the one handed elder, eyes searching the crowd.

'Oh my gosh, why is he here?' Byakuya asked ducking as well.

They crouched under the table.

'He thought you were gay and persuaded the others to hold this party as an opportunity to throw scantily clad women at you,' the messenger said quickly.

Byakuya frowned, connecting the dots, 'This has something to do with that big brea- I mean ample-asseted woman who fell on me recently isn't it?'

The messenger nodded. 'The fact you just walked off made him think you were even more gay than before.'

Byakuya wondered how this was possible. 'Wait if he's here now, how can I prove that I'm not gay.'

'Just go grind with some girl,' the messenger said and Byakuya gave him a blank look.

'Uh ok, I'm not the best person to ask,' the messenger said. He peered out from under the table. 'I think he's gone to the bathroom or something,' he said.

Byakuya sighed in relief and got up.

Byakuya thought it was time that he act a little reckless. If he could act drunk then do something not gay he might be able to persuade the elder that he was in fact totally straight. The only problem was that Byakuya didn't know how drunk people acted. He caught sight of Shunsui and decided to ask him.

'How do you act drunk?' Byakuya asked and Shunsui looked at him for a moment.

'Nobody acts drunk. You have to be drunk,' he said and handed Byakuya a bottle of sake. 'Drink up.'

Byakuya drank.

When the messenger came back a few minutes later he was surprised to find Byakuya sitting on a chair staring with a far off gaze.

'Err, sir, are you ok?' he asked, tapping Byakuya on the shoulder. Byakuya tipped forward and fell on his face, he giggled hysterically.

'I fell,' he mumbled to himself. The messenger helped him sit up and saw that Byakuya was clutching an empty bottle of sake.

'Whoa, did you drink all of this?'

Byakuya nodded and smiled manically. 'It tasted nice,' he said.

Byakuya stood up shakily and went over to the drinks table and nabbed another bottle sake.

'Don't you think you should go easy on the drink?' the messenger said.

'Nopey,' Byakuya replied, downing the bottle in one go.

'If you keep drinking like that you'll spoil your brain and you'll turnout like that one handed elder, do you want that?'

Byakuya immediately put the bottle down, not that it mattered, he had already finished it.

'No,' Byakuya said, 'I don't.'

'Maybe I should take you to your room,' the messenger said.

'Lead the way,' Byakuya said striking a dramatic pose, a few other drunk people applauded.

The messenger sighed and had to half drag Byakuya away. Half way there Byakuya had start to gibber randomly and the messenger had to slap him.

'Owie, that hurt,' Byakuya said in a childish voice.

'I didn't even hit you that hard,' the messenger muttered.

'Haha, did you know in Latin word for I moo is 'mugio',' Byakuya said suddenly and started laughing, 'Hahah, who would ever have to say I moo, silly roman people.'

The messenger didn't know who the Romans were but if they said I moo they were obviously crazy.

'I'm thirsty,' Byakuya said yawning, 'I wanna go back to the party.'

'No, you're totally wasted, you're not going anywhere,' the messenger said.

'But then that dude will I'm a gay which I am so not. You know when that woman fell on me, I was like 'Whoa, hot lady!' but then my monk training kicked in and I was like, 'Robot face'.'

'I see,' the messenger said feeling a little bit sorry for Byakuya who was now sleeping soundly. He was even snoring.

He wondered what sort of family treated their only child like this and he thought it was about time he retired.

----

Byakuya moved. His neck hurt and his back ached. He opened his eyes. Light filled the corridor he was in. He quickly shut his eyes again, his head throbbed and he got onto his feet swaying from side to side.

A servant hurried up to him.

'Sir, we have problem, please follow me,' they said the urgency clear in their voice. Byakuya followed disorientated.

They came to one of the guest bathrooms. He stepped inside. He stood still.

It took time to actually comprehend what he was actually seeing.

The bathtub was broken. Into pieces. It was made out of marble.

Shunsui walked up to him, 'Sorry about this, seems yesterday everything just got out hand,' he said.

'You broke the bathtub,' Byakuya said his voice hoarse.

'Eh, yes, but I hope it won't come between us,' Shunsui said.

Byakuya smiled, 'Not at all.'

'Really?' Shunsui asked surprised.

'It's fine honestly, you can go home and don't worry about paying for it,' Byakuya said a plan already forming in his mind.

Shunsui patted Byakuya on the back, 'You're not so bad after all, and here I was thinking you permanently had a stick up your ass.'

Byakuya's eyes narrowed and Shunsui high tailed it out of there before Byakuya could change his mind about paying for the damages.

'How am I going to explain this to the elders,' one the servants said in dismay. Byakuya looked at him.

'Don't worry about it, I'll sort it out myself,' he said, the servant looked at him gratefully then bowed and left the room.

Byakuya turned back to the mess before him. That tub was made from marble and yet that man reduced it to rubble.

Byakuya was a little more than disturbed.

----

'You broke it?'

'Yes, I broke it'

'It was made of marble...'

'Are you trying to say I could not break it.'

'Errrr, not at all.'

The elders and his parents had come back. Byakuya was explaining to them that the party was a success and that he had broken a bathtub while doing...stuff.

The one handed elder gave Byakuya a knowing look which he chose to ignore. As long as they didn't think he was gay.

Byakuya noticed over the next few days that his family seemed to be relieved about something and he wondered why his family were so bothered about who he liked.

Just because he didn't talk to other people didn't mean he was gay. He had been taught not to talk to other people in the first place. Byakuya didn't think much of the elders and he hoped he wouldn't become like them.

To his family's relief he did get married later on his life, even if it was commoner, it was a woman which was the most important part.

Then they had lots of children together and lived happily ever after.

----

'And that's how Byakuya proved he was not gay,' Shunsui said in a dramatic way. Mayuri frowned next to him.

'That's lovely, but weren't you meant to be telling the story of the three little pigs?' he asked. Shunsui took another swig of sake.

'I was?'

'Yes, and that story was obviously made up, well at least the last bit was,' Mayuri muttered, wondering what he was doing. Somehow he had found himself drinking again in his office with Shunsui.

'How so?'

'Errr...you missed out the part where his wife died and was brought back to life and, oh yeah, they didn't have children,' Mayuri said.

'They didn't?' Shunsui muttered surprised. Mayuri grabbed the bottle that Shunsui was holding and finished it.

'Hey, no fair,' he complained.

'Look, you're really drunk, so let me finish the sake,' Mayuri said and downed the bottle. Shunsui grunted and stared out of the window.

'Nanao said something today,' Shunsui said.

'Really, and what was that?' Mayuri replied, making a pyramid from the empty sake bottles.

'She said she loved me,' he mumbled.

The sake bottles fell and crashed onto the floor.

'She what?!'

'She said she loved me,' Shunsui repeated.

'Don't you think you should..erm..be with her instead of getting hopelessly drunk with me?' Mayuri asked.

'Maybe,' Shunsui said.

'That was so the wrong answer,' Mayuri muttered, 'When did she confess?'

'I dunno, about an hour ago.' Mayuri slapped his forehead.

'Wait a minute you've been here for about an hour, are you telling me she confessed her love for you and you just toddled off here for a drink?'

'Maybe we did something before that,' Shunsui said, eyelids drooping, 'Nanao-chan was sleeping and I was thirsty so I went to loom for a drink and found myself here.'

'Oh my gosh. Go back to her you fool!' Mayuri screeched.

'Why?'

'Silly man, she expects you to be there when she wakes up,' Mayuri said, pushing Shunsui to his feet.

'Who made you the expert?' Shunsui asked sleepily.

'I read a book,' Mayuri said and helped Shunsui to the door.

'What was it called?'

'The Bible,' Mayuri said quickly and Shunsui frowned.

'Whoa, I didn't know it said things like that.'

'Nor did I and then I read it.'

'Wow, it must be true then,' Shunsui said.

'Yes, now get out.'

'Fine, fine.'

----

Mayuri was alone again.

He felt lonely, he wondered where Nemu had run off to. He hadn't seen her for some time now. He wondered if she was avoiding him. That would be bad. Mayuri didn't want to be avoided. He liked seeing Nemu, it reassured him that she wasn't off gallivanting away with some man.

He looked at the clock on his desk. Midnight. In seven hours he would have to get ready for school.

There was a knock on the door. Mayuri frowned. Now who could that be?

He opened the door. Kira bounced in.

'Good morning Mayuri taichou, isn't it a wonderful day!' the lieutenant of the third squad said brightly.

Mayuri mumbled something to himself. Well, at least he isn't naked, he thought.

'What do you want Kira?'

'I thought I'd come early, so we could prepare for your next class,' Kira replied.

'Don't you think this is a bit too early.'

'Not at all!' Kira chirped. Mayuri shut his eyes.

'Ok, ok, I give up,' Mayuri muttered and walked back to his desk, 'You wanna drink?' he asked helping himself to some sake.

'Ok,' Kira said unaware that Mayuri was talking about sake. Mayuri looked at Kira for a moment then found a glass for him and poured him a drink.

Kira sat at the desk, swinging his legs on the chair that was too big for him. He looked around and sipped the sake.

'This isn't water,' he said.

Mayuri looked at him, 'That's because it's not.'

'Oh,' Kira said and looked at the clear liquid. 'So what are we going to do in the next class?'

Mayuri stared, he was pretty sure that Kira was going to ask what he was drinking. 'Uh, I don't know, those kids hate me,' Mayuri said.

Kira poured himself more sake. 'Hmmm, I think that we need to do something that will make them like you.'

'Wow Kira, you're such a genius,' Mayuri said sarcastically.

'Thank you,' Kira said not picking up on the fact that Mayuri was mocking him. Mayuri was going to tell him this but thought twice about it. No need to be mean, he thought, Kira is like a kid too, I have to learn to be nice to them.

'Kids normally like it when things go wrong for you and you hurt yourself,' Kira said, now on his third glass of sake.

'I already tried that remember? I cut off my arm.'

'That was just traumatic,' Kira said knowingly.

'Oh.'

Kira looked at the bottle of sake. 'Are you umm going to drink the rest of that?'

Mayuri looked at him, 'I don't think I should be letting you drink all this sake.'

----

Two hours later Mayuri was regretting giving Kira anything to drink at all.

Kira, drunk, was spread out over Mayuri's desk. 'And then Terry goes uses my bed as a loo and then ...'

This had been going on for some time now. Kira was just unloading all his problems onto Mayuri who was nearly feeling sorry for the guy. That Terry sounded like a real nightmare. Mayuri sighed, Kira should be sleeping right now not being all drunk over my desk.

'Mayuri, am I a bad person,' Kira asked suddenly.

'No,' Mayuri said, bored.

'Ok then.'

Kira caught sight of a book on Mayuri's desk.

'What's this?' he asked. Mayuri looked at it, disinterestedly.

'Something Shunsui gave me.'

'What's it about?' Kira asked flicking through it.

'Something about pick up lines.'

----

Morning came faster than Mayuri would have liked. Another night spent in his office. He really needed to get a life.

To his horror Kira had also stayed at his office. That wasn't the horrifying bit. Kira had managed to lay his hands on two more bottles of sake and it looked as if he had been trying to remember pick up lines from the book Shunsui gave him.

Mayuri poked him with a stick.

'Hey, it's time to get up,' he said. Kira didn't move.

'Errr, Kira?'

Suddenly Kira jerked awake. His eyes were bloodshot and his face a pasty colour.

'Wasamatter?' Kira mumbled.

'It's time for school,' Mayuri said, uncertain about what he should do. Maybe he should throw a bucket of cold water onto him. That might wake Kira up properly.

Kira suddenly jumped out of his chair. 'Let's go to school!'

Mayuri wondered where he got his energy from.

'You look like hell,' he told Kira. The young man looked at a reflection in the window.

Red eyes and what mysteriously seemed to be a stubble was all that he could see.

'Mayuri taichou?' Kira said quietly.

'Yes,' Mayuri said, gathering some papers up.

'What's this?' he asked tapping his chin, Mayuri looked at Kira's chin carefully.

'Looks like facial hair,' Mayuri said.

'You mean like a beard?' Kira went on, eyes widening, as if he was about to explode.

'Yes, like a beard,' Mayuri said, unsure what this was about.

Kira walked into the middle of the room and stood in the light. 'Mayuri taichou, do you know what this means?'

'What?' Mayuri replied flatly.

'I'm I'm a man!'

Mayuri groaned, 'Kira you've been a man for the last two hundred years at least.'

'Really?'

'Yes.'

'Oh, but now I look like a man.'

'You like a bum, who's spent a night on the streets,' Mayuri muttered walking towards the door.

Kira was looking off into the distance, 'Maybe now I can be a manly man.'

Mayuri snorted and Kira shot him a glance, 'Errr, Kira maybe you shouldn't aim so high, I mean what is that a stubble? That's hardly a full grown beard.'

'It could be one day, don't hurt its feelings,' Kira said rubbing his new found facial hair.

----

'It's probably because you drank so much,' Mayuri said, they were now walking towards the school building.

'That doesn't make sense, I've been to drinking parties with Matsumoto and Hisagi before and this never happened,' Kira said happily pointing at his chin where a few wispy blond hairs were rooted.

'Erm, Kira, it's not that impressive, you should just shave it off,' Mayuri suggested and Kira stopped in his tracks.

'S-s-Shave it off?' he said in awe, 'I've never shaved before.'

'It's not that amazing,' Mayuri muttered pulling a shaving kit from his nose.

'First, you put the foam on and then you get a razor and just scrape it off,' Mayuri instructed with Kira listening with rapt attention. People were beginning to stare but Mayuri didn't really care, anything to stop him taking that wretched class.

'...And if you're really manly then you can shave with your zanpaktou instead of a razor,' Mayuri said as a joke. Kira instantly withdrew his Wabisuke and tried to scrape his face with it.

'Whoa, I was only joking!' Mayuri shouted at him.

Too late.

Kira thought blood looked funny up close.

----

'Mayuri-sama are you ok?'

'I'm fine Nemu, just get me a sewing needle,' Mayuri said quickly.

Kira had cut off his ear and the two were forced to return to the twelfth squad headquarters. Mayuri didn't know anyone who was quite like Kira.

'Kira, sit over there,' Mayuri ordered and the lieutenant sat down on a hard chair.

'Mayuri taichou, it hurts,' Kira moaned.

'I'm not surprised,' Mayuri said threading a sharp needle that Nemu had brought him. 'Just keep your hand over it, oh and Nemu where do you keep the painkillers?'

'We ran out,' Nemu said flatly.

'Oh, are you sure we don't have any?'

'Yes.'

Mayuri eyed a bottle of sake that he was sure wasn't there before. 'Kira open wide.'

Kira obliged and was surprised when Mayuri shoved a bottle of sake down his throat. 'Drink up,' Mayuri told him and Kira did so holding onto it as if it were a baby's bottle.

Mayuri picked up the limp ear and told Kira to remove his hand. Blood squirted out everywhere. Mayuri sighed, he would have to change after this. Well no matter, those little brats could wait.

Kira sang nursery rhymes to himself while Mayuri stitched his ear back on. Kira was so drunk that he didn't even realise when the procedure was over and continued to sing to himself for at least ten minutes after Mayuri had finished.

'It's time to go Kira,' Mayuri said trying to wipe blood off his mask. The stain refused to be moved.

'Uh, Nemu is the spare mask around?' he asked.

'No.'

'Oh, how about my spare face paint?'

'No.'

'You mean it's all gone?' Mayuri asked flabbergasted.

'Yes.'

'Where did it all go?' he murmured tapping his chin.

'Away,' Nemu said vaguely.

Mayuri had to admit that he hadn't known anyone quite like Nemu before either.

----

By the time Mayuri and Kira had made it to the school they were already well over an hour late.

The children stared at Mayuri. Mayuri stared back. Just because he had decided to take his mask off and look like a human didn't mean the was another person. Mayuri doubted the kids understood this.

Kira drooled at his desk, still drunk.

Mayuri cleared his throat.

'Um, well today is my third day of teaching and well, I'd like to say something to you all,' he began nervously.

A blond haired girl raised her hand and Mayuri recognised her as the child from yesterday, who got freaked out by his smile.

'Yes what is it?' Mayuri said.

'Um, well I was wondering why do you dress up all funny, because I think I'd want you to be my daddy if you looked like this more,' she said. There was general agreement around the room.

Mayuri didn't know how to respond, 'Well I don't particularly want to be your daddy,' he replied after a while.

The girl looked a little sad and Mayuri felt guilty.

Kira turned to her swaying slightly.

'Hey babe, What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper!'

Mayuri stared and the girl looked like she wanted to scream.

'Kira? What did you just say?' Mayuri asked.

'If you were a president, you'd be Babe-raham Lincoln,' Kira said in a faraway sort of voice. Mayuri eyes bugged out.

'Whoa, I didn't know you were that drunk,' he said and started to unpack his bag, as if he didn't care. Kira stumbled over to the girl and she cowered backwards.

'I don't really know what I'm doing but it's kinda fun, hey is your last name Gilette because you're the best a man can get,' Kira said and Mayuri thought that was rather on topic since this morning's fiasco with shaving.

The girl squealed.

Kira laughed, 'Slow down Sugar! I'm diabetic.'

Mayuri snorted wondering if Shunsui left that book in his office on purpose. Kira sat down opposite the girl, 'My name isn't Elmo but you can tickle me all you want,' he said.

The class watched unsure about what to do.

'Daddy, help!' the girl shouted.

Mayuri flicked through a newspaper and the class stared daggers at him while he whistled to himself. As if feeling their gaze he looked up.

'Was she talking to me?' he asked. The class nodded together.

'Oh.'

Mayuri walked up to Kira and whacked him over the head with a chair. The poor drunk boy crumpled into a heap at the foot of the girl's desk.

'Is that better?' Mayuri asked the girl who nodded and sniffed loudly. Mayuri sighed.

'Do you want a tissue?' he asked her. The girl looked at him and nodded. Mayuri gave her one and gave her a crooked half smile. While she was blowing her nose, little Yuji had gone into Kira's backpack and procured a bottle of sake. He waddled to the front of the class and tipped it into Mayuri's coffee mug. The rest of the glass giggled and Mayuri looked around confused but Yuji had already returned to his seat.

The little girl beamed at Mayuri and handed him his sodden tissue back.

'Ugh, thanks,' Mayuri muttered and carried it back to his desk before dropping into the trash can.

He drank his coffee and cleared his throat again.

'Well as I was saying before we were rudely interrupted-,' at this point Kira's body twitched. 'This is my third day of teaching and I would like it if we could get along.'

There was a knock at the door and Rei walked in. She stopped when she saw Mayuri and bowed.

'Oh sorry for interrupting, Mayuri taichou, I didn't know you were looking like that to day,' she said quickly, once again looking at the floor.

Mayuri turned to her, feeling something like butterflies in his stomach, 'Your lips look lonely would they like to meet mine?'

Rei looked at him, 'What was that?'

Mayuri gagged for a minute. Wait, was he drunk? He couldn't remember drinking anything. He turned to his class who were sniggering at him.

'Mayuri taichou are you ok?' Rei asked. Mayuri turned back to her.

'Is that a ladder in your stockings or a stairway to heaven?'

Rei gasped, she wasn't even wearing stockings. She just couldn't believe that her perfect Mayuri had turned up late for school and was drunk on top of that. She stormed out of the room. Mayuri felt a little woozy and was finding it hard to stand up straight. He looked at his class.

'Ok who did this? Own up, now, it wasn't very funny. I'm not laughing,' Mayuri yelled at them.

'This was just payback for not wanting to be a daddy,' one of the children said.

'I came here to teach not be your daddies, go home to your own ones,' Mayuri regretted saying that immediately after. 'Look, uh, I didn't meant that...'

But it was too late and one by one tears filled the eyes of the children.

The sound of crying filled the classroom and Mayuri couldn't help but think he was the cause of it.

'Uh, look stop crying, if you don't I'll cut off my arm again!' he shouted. The children immediately calmed down but there were still sniffling and the odd sob to be heard.

'How about we make a deal, I'll be your daddy, if you be nice to me,' Mayuri said, quite proud of his diplomacy. The class agreed.

'You also have to make that other teacher like me again,' Mayuri said.

'Why?' Yuji asked.

'Because if I play my cards right, you'll end up with a mummy too.'

* * *

**This chapter ended earlier than I wanted it to but oh well, I think this was long anyways.**

**Well yes another chapter ****woot****! Those pick up lines came from a website mostly...they made me laugh.**

**Byakuya is special...he is so very straight and manly...he could break however many marble bathtubs he wanted to...but he has a sense of worth and value and it wouldn't be very economic to break all the marble bathtubs in the land.**

**Illness is bad for you...and ****mugibatus**** means mooing...boy were those Romans weird... Byakuya knows this because he is special**

**Kira so needed a beard...he also needs a girlfriend which handily came in the form of a first grader...****yay**** and ****yop**** for him.**

**And Mayuri...oh well...he'd grown up a lot too...and I so needed to get him out of his mask...**

**Hmmm, last time I was saying that I went to see a Greek play...yeah that was pretty jokes...after the king found out he married his mother and had kids he poked his eyes out with a pin...then collapsed...it was all very convincing...****except when he stained the stage with fake blood...**

**It was also pretty jokes since they were speaking Ancient Greek with British accents...although there was one person with an American one...****they also sang in Greek...and there was line which really freaked me, 'Every man wishes to sleep with his mother, the ones that reject this are the good men.' **

**If that didn't freak you out...well then whoa...because everybody was whispering at that point...shocking...I really hope that's not true...**

**Well that's that done...so it's over now...****yuppy****...till next chapter...I will miss y'all...and your reviews...I miss those more...****heh**** I jest.**


	52. Squishy Feelings

**Good Evening!**

**This is way overdue...but I guess it due to extra work from school...damn exams...**

**Yay chapter 51!...that just doesn't sound as special as chapter 50...darn...**

**Haven't updated in some time so yeah...fun fun...I hadn't written in so long that I had to reread the last chapter that I did to remind myself...**

**This chapter...yes...not much to say till after...**

**Well...I hope you have a nice Easter and stuff...yeah...chocolate eggs and blah...**

**Also something different here...I sorta drew a picture for this chapter...it's really...um yeah...it was drawn on paint...and I'm not really good at drawing...you can find it at my photobucket account- the link is in my profile...so yeah...if you have trouble understanding...hopefully the picture will help...**

**Umm...quick recap...in the chapter before Byakuya was proved to be not gay and Kira went drunk and hit on a first grader then Mayuri said that he'd get a mummy for all those children...hope that helped.**

* * *

Chapter 51

'We're here,' Mayuri said.

The class gathered around him, looks of awe plastered on their small faces.

'Where are we?' Yuji asked looking around slowly.

'This, children, is a marshmallow factory.'

* * *

Kira opened his eyes. His head hurt.

He was lying in his room at the third squad barracks. How had he ended up here?

Sitting up carefully, Kira surveyed the small room. The blinds were shut causing the room to turn gloomy. He tried to remember what had happened.

He came up with a blank. All he could remember was something about the Incredible Hulk, Kira frowned, he didn't even know what that was.

He stroked his chin and noticed a that he had hair there. Kira ran to the mirror and stared. A stubble?

Kira wondered why he had one of these. He thought they came from drinking and as far as he knew he didn't drink that much.

Once he had gotten ready he noticed Kira wasn't alone in the room. Terry was snoozing peacefully on a towel. Kira wished he could be as carefree as his pet. He also noticed that Shunsui's lizard had managed to curl up with Terry. A normal person would have thought that this was odd. But not Kira, he thought the two looked rather cute together.

And then it hit him.

He was late for school.

* * *

Nanao was skipping.

She did not often do this.

Nanao couldn't quite explain it herself. She just wanted to skip. It had started this morning when she had woken up next to Shunsuiwho was snoring like a drunken sailor. Normally she would frown or hit him for good measure with her book, but for some unexplainable reason on this particular morning Nanao grinned. She wore a huge grin that stretched across her whole mouth which revealed her perfectly white teeth. She grinned while skipping to bathroom. She skipped on the spot in the shower, still wearing her huge grin. She skipped to the cafeteria for breakfast, the grin still plastered across her face. It was while she was skipping to the cafeteria that she noticed that people were avoiding her.

Nanao looked around her and sure enough, the eighth squad members were all staying clear of her as she skipped down the corridor.

She caught sight of Matsumoto who was wandering around aimlessly and called her over. Matsumoto took one looked at her face and paled.

Nanao grinning? What had happened to the world? Matsumoto was pretty sure if she looked out the window she'd see a flying pig.

Nanao did not grin. Ever. It was like doubting Byakuya's manliness. It just wasn't right.

Matsumoto cautiously walked over to her friend.

'Erm, what's up with your face?' she asked. Nanao frowned, but she could quite pull it off because she was still grinning.

'There isn't anything wrong with my face,' Nanao said, even her voice sounded funny. It was high and...chirpy. Matsumoto was suddenly afraid, this was turning out to be serious. She pulled a mirror from her robes and shoved it into Nanao's face.

'I still don't see your point,' Nanao replied, her teeth blinding Matsumoto.

'You're grinning,' Matsumoto said, 'you're not meant to do that, stop it.'

'There isn't a rule against grinning,' Nanao said and Matsumoto didn't deny it, Nanaohad probably read the whole rulebook and committed every single one of them to memory.

'That's not the point, you're making all the little children cry,' Matsumoto argued.

'What children?' Nanao suddenly heard the sound of a girl crying and turned around. Standing by a person who was probably her mother was a small girl bawling her eyes out. 'Where did she come from?' Nanao asked confused but still grinning.

'Didn't you remember? It's bring your children to work day,' Matsumoto said, this was worse than she imagined. Nanao had actually forgotten the date.

'Oh,' Nanao said as if this was nothing, 'It must have slipped my mind.'

Matsumotograbbed her by the shoulders and shook her. 'Woman! Snap out of it. Things don't slip your mind. You're Nanao! You have a mind like Fort Knox, once you put something in there, it can't get out!'

'Where's Fort Knox?' Nanao asked in a dreamlike voice. Matsumoto dragged Nanao out of the corridor and into an empty room.

'Look, this isn't funny anymore. What happened to you?' she asked, more than a little worried.

Nanao's grin grew wider and Matsumoto wondered if it hurt to grin that much.

'Well, let's just say all my problems are over,' Nanao said and Matsumoto groaned.

'You couldn't have been more vague, what problems exactly? Drug problems? Gambling problems? Shunsui problems? Money problems?' Matsumoto asked.

'No, no, yes and no,' Nanao replied. It took a minute for Matsumoto to remember what she had said in the list but when she thought she had figured it out she gasped.

'Oh my God! Nanao I didn't know you had gambling problems!'

Nanao slapped her forehead with a palm while grinning although it had dimmed a little. Matsumoto was unnerved.

'I don't gamble, you should know that,' Nanao said sighing. Matsumoto thought quietly for a moment. Finally her eyes widened.

'Nanao, you do drugs!?'

* * *

Mayuri mentally counted the children making sure he hadn't left any behind.

So here he was once again without his mask. Why wasn't he wearing his mask? Oh, just because someone had spread peanut butter all over the inside of it and since he was allergic to peanuts, wearing it was out of the picture. He wondered who had done it. Mayuri hadn't told many people he was allergic to nuts.

Since it was his second to last day as their teacher, Mayuri decided he take the children on a field trip. However since he didn't really teach the children anything educational he didn't really know where to take them. He had asked the children themselves what they liked and the first thing they shouted at him was sweets.

And so he ended up taking them to a factory in the real world. As they were in soul form no one could see them which was a bonus because Mayuri didn't think that little children were allowed inside factories.

'_Because if I play my cards right, you'll end up with a mummy too._'

Mayuri was already regretting those words. Reihadn't shown the slightest hint that she was going to forgive him and because of this he invited her class to come with them on his little field trip.

* * *

_Yesterday evening_

Mayuri did not get nervous. Ever. It was like doubting Byakuya's manliness. It just wasn't right.

He gulped, knocked on the door and entered.

Rei looked up at him from her desk. She had been preparing the next day's class and was nearly done when Mayuri had knocked. She wasn't really in the mood to see him, no matter how much she admired him, he had still said some pretty drunk things. Although she heard later in the day that the worst had come from Kira.

'What do you want, Mayuri taichou?' she asked in her best business tone.

'Umm, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier, the kids spiked my tea,' Mayuri explained. Rei looked at him sceptically.

'I find that rather hard to believe and anyways even if they did do that you don't deny that there was alcohol in the room,' she replied in a matter of fact voice.

'It's a long story,' Mayuri began but Rei stopped him.

'I always thought of you with the utmost respect and then you prove me wrong by turning up drunk to class. I thought you were one of the most professional people I had ever met- a real man of science. I liked you!' she burst out.

Mayuri had to admit that he wasn't really listening, he had never seen Rei angry before and noticed she had exactly one wrinkle on the left side of her face and two on the other when she frowned. He found that he didn't mind Rei being angry. In his opinion she looked quite nice. Mayuri couldn't come up with one logical reason why he was thinking this.

Rei stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. She caught sight of Mayuri's expression.

'Were you even listening?' she asked slightly annoyed. Mayuri snapped out of his daze.

'Huh, not really...'

Mayuri could sense that this conversation wasn't going in the direction he wanted it to and decided to change the subject.

'Tomorrow I have arranged a field trip for my class, do you want to come as well?' he asked. Rei was quiet for a moment, she narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

'Where to?'

'A factory in the real world,' Mayuri answered.

'Why?'

'Well, I was thinking that the children don't get the chance to leave the Seireitei often so I decided that I would take them out. Believe me when I say I know what it feels like to have no family. So back to the point, I realised that we don't actually teach them anything significant at that point I realised that it would be fun to take them to the real world for a day. It's the least I can do for them,' Mayuri said as sincerely as he could. He'd actually rehearsed this with the help of Shunsui who had given him tips on sounding honest and moving.

He didn't know if Rei had actually bought this drivel but at least he sounded like he cared for the little rat bags that made up his class. Rei looked at him for a moment.

'I'll think about it,' she said and as if telling him this meeting was over, she went back to her papers.

Mayuri left.

* * *

_Later that yesterday evening_

Mayuri sighed, his life was at an all time low. Nemu was never around and Reididn't seem to like him anymore. What had he done to deserve this?

Shunsuisat opposite him and gave him a bottle of sake. Mayuri threw it at a wall. The bottle smashed and sake dripped from the wall. Shunsui already well into his third bottle made a distressed sound and started to lick the walls.

'Shunsui that doesn't look right,' Mayuri said in disgust, 'Get off my walls!'

'You shouldn't waste good sake, Mayuri,' Shunsui replied and continued to lick the wall, 'and anyways, it tastes good.'

'You're getting saliva everywhere,' the other captain said annoyed.

'Yes but this is all for a good cause,' Shunsui replied.

Mayuri head dropped onto his desk, too tired to do anything else. 'Shunsui my life is really bad, help me.'

'What's the matter?' Shunsui asked, joining his friend at the desk and opening a tub of tooti fruiti ice cream.

'Nemu seems to be avoiding me and Rei doesn't like me anymore,' Mayuri explained, ready to start sobbing.

'I think my lizard is avoiding me, I haven't seen him all day,' Shunsui mused.

'I think my problems are worse than yours,' Mayuri muttered. Shunsui offered the tub of ice cream.

'I know this will cheer you up,' Shunsui said but Mayuri batted the tub away and it spilt onto the floor.

'Do you want to cry?' Shunsui asked drunkenly hugging Mayuri.

'My tear ducts have been surgically removed.'

Shunsui looked at him, 'Ok, you better not tell Rei that, otherwise she'll never run off with you.'

'She's not going to do that anyway, haven't you been listening to me!? She hates me.'

'Awwww, don't say that, tomorrow you're gonna have lots of fun in a marshmallow factory and then you can make out with her.'

'I think you mean make up,' Mayuri said.

'Same thing,' Shunsui said, eating the ice cream off the floor.

'Not, it really isn't,' Mayuri said flatly.

'It happens to me and Nanao all the time...we always fight and in the end we always get together and make out,' Shunsui explained.

'You mean make up,' Mayuri said from his desk.

'Like I said: it's the same thing.'

* * *

_Present day_

'Mayuri taichou, where is your mask?'

Mayuri quickly jerked his head towards the speaker. Rei looked at him blankly.

'Uh, it's in the wash,' Mayuri replied quickly. This was followed by awkward silence. Thankfully, Mayuri's class was watching out for him and Yuji ran up to them.

'Mayuri sensei, can we eat the marshmallows?' he asked giving his most sickly sweet smile, just looking at it made Mayuri's teeth ache. Before they had left for the factory the class had given Mayuri a quickly run through of their so called 'truce'.

In return for them getting Rei and him together, Mayuri had to act like their daddy. Mayurihad no idea what being a daddy comprised of but gave a sterling effort.

Mayuri smiled weakly at Yuji and patted him on the head, 'Sure you can...sport.'

Yes, Mayurithought, 'sport' was a typical word that father's called their sons, well according to the 'Good Father Skills' book he had been reading it was.

Yuji grinned and skipped away. Mayuri looked up to see if Rei had been impressed with his father skills but she had walked away some time ago and was now wandering around with the other children. Mayuri cursed and stomped off to look at scientific charts on marshmallow making.

The marshmallow factory was large and quite dark. The edges were rimmed with metal walkways and stairs and the middle was dominated by huge tanks filled with ingredients and a conveyor belt was squeezed into the back of the warehouse.

Mayuri peered over the railing into a large tank filled to the brim with squishy pink lumps, his eyes widened when he realised how far up they actually were. Well, Mayuri thought, if you were to fall in there at least you would have a soft landing.

His attention was averted away from the colossal container when he caught sight of Rei, who was on the other side of the factory. Mayuri had the feeling he could watch her forever, which was probably borderline stalker behaviour.

'Mayuri-taichou, what are you looking at?' someone asked.

Turning around from the attractive view, Mayuri was surprised to see Kira standing next to him.

'Kira! What are you doing here? I thought I told you that you weren't going to come to school anymore,' Mayuri said glancing around to make sure the blond haired girl wasn't around.

'When did you say that?' Kira asked confused.

'Yesterday, when I sent dropped you off at your barracks,' Mayuri explained, 'don't you remember anything?'

Kira shook his head frowning, 'I can't remember a thing from yesterday, it's funny actually, I remember going to your office in the morning but after that it's all a blur. And then all of a sudden I wake up in my room, with a stubble!'

Mayuri raised his eyebrows sceptically, 'You actually know what that means?'

Kira looked at him, 'What do you mean by that?'

'You don't see a stubble as being manly?' Mayuri asked.

'Errr, no.'

'Oh,' Mayuri wondered if Kira's behaviour yesterday was completely due to the alcohol he had consumed.

While Mayuri was thinking about this, the small blond girl tugged on his robe. Then she looked up and saw Kira.

Kira smiled at her.

She screamed.

Mayuri, sensing that one of his darling children were in trouble, instantly threw Kira over the railing down into the marshmallow tub and patted the girl on the head.

'Don't worry, child, the bad monster is gone now, I threw him over the railing,' Mayuri said in his best effort to cheer the girl up. She sniffed loudly as fat tears slid down her cheeks.

'Is it really gone?' she asked in a small voice. Mayuri really wanted to snap at her but valiantly controlled his anger.

'Yes, you can look over the edge if you want.'

Even on her tip toes the girl couldn't see over the metal bar.

'I can't see,' she said. Fearing that the girl was going to start crying again, Mayuri picked her up and dangled her over the railing from her armpits.

'Now can you see?' he asked, he never noticed how light children were. He could probably throw the child over the whole marshmallow container if he wanted to.

Rei, who was watching with horror was Mayuri threw his subordinate over the railing, was now even more worried about the girl he was dangling over the edge of the metal walkway.

'Mayuri sensei! Put down that girl this instant!' she shouted. Mayurilooked at her and gave her the thumbs up signal with one hand, letting the girl hang precariously from one arm.

'Everything's ok!' he called back. Rei stared, it wasn't, did this man care at all about the children?

Yuji sensing that Mayuri wasn't quite getting along with his future mummy and decided to take action.

Once Mayuri had put the girl safely down, Yuji stood on the railings.

'Sensei! Look at me, I'm walking on the bar!' he shouted, full of joy.

Mayuri looked up worryingly, 'Uh, Yuji that's not a good idea, come down.'

'I don't wanna,' Yuji complained and started to jump on the railing. Mayuri cursed. This is not what was meant to happen.

'What the hell do you think you're doing come down at once!' he hissed so Rei wouldn't hear.

Yuji lowered his voice as well, 'Sensei, you're no good at this sort of thing, so I'm going to help. All you have to do is be my daddy.'

'Rei sensei! Look at me!' Yuji shouted and Rei instantly glared daggers at Mayuri.

Yuji jumped off the railing.

* * *

Nanao sighed.

After another ten minutes Matsumoto had deduced that Nanao had sorted out her Shunsui problems and was no way involved with gambling or drugs.

'How do you mean sorted out?' Matsumoto asked.

'Well, I told him I loved him,' Nanao explained still grinning.

Matsumoto squealed and hugged Nanao.

'That's amazing, I guess I kinda know why you're grinning so much.'

'Yes, I am very happy,' Nanao said, this was an understatement but Nanao didn't really know how to put it into words, she was just the happiest someone could be.

'When did this all happen?' Matsumoto asked.

'Just two days ago,' Nanao said. 'It was some time at night.'

Matsumoto frowned, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, pretty sure,' Nanao said, she wouldn't ever forget it. That night was probably one of the most memorable ones she would have. 'Why do you ask?'

'Well, I'm pretty sure Shunsui went drinking with Mayuri that night,' Matsumoto said.

Nanao's grin disappeared. Matsumoto eyes bugged out. One second the grin was there, the next it was gone. She had to blink a few times to make sure she had processed this right. Her smile had gone so quick that it was like a light bulb turning off.

It made Nanao's face dark. Matsumoto was thinking she should have kept her mouth shut.

'Who told you this?' Nanao's asked, fire in her eyes.

'Uh, I'm not sure I want to tell you. You look like you want to kill them,' Matsumoto said cowering away.

'It's not them I want to kill. Are you sure he went drinking?'

But Matsumoto went quiet. She wasn't about to get Shunsui in killed. That would just be trouble.

Nanao gave her the evils, 'So you're going to protect him are you?'

Matsumoto wondered how it had come to this and as Nanao burst out of the room, it vaguely occurred to Matsumoto that she should try and stop Nanao.

Or she could have a nap.

She decided.

First she would sleep, then after that Matsumoto would try and help Shunsui.

Shunsui was dozing in his office when the door exploded.

He sat up and looked at the blackened doorway, through which he saw his beloved Nanao, fire crackling in her eyes.

'Oh my Nanao, whatever is the matter?' Shunsui asked.

'On the night I told you that I loved you, do you remember it?' Nanao asked.

Shunsui grinned, 'Of course I do, my dear Nanao, 'twas the most important day of my life, how could I ever forget?'

'Well if it was so important, why have I heard that you went out drinking with Mayuri afterwards?'

Shunsui smiled dimmed. Oh dear, he thought.

'How could I do such a thing? You were there, I was with you the whole night, when you woke up I was there,' Shunsui explained.

Nanao glared at him. She wasn't angry as such because Shunsuiwent drinking, he always did that. It just seemed to her that he could just continue being insensitive to her feelings even though she had confessed to him. Surely Shunsui knew it would mean something to her if he just left to go drinking.

Nanao sighed and looked at him tiredly. 'Look it doesn't matter, I don't care. Just next time, tell me if you're going. I don't want you to feel like you have to sneak out or anything,' she explained and sat on the couch.

Shunsui frowned. This was very un-Nanao like. 'Are you ok?' he asked.

Nanao looked at him, 'My face hurts, I've been grinning this whole morning.'

Shunsui found this a perfect opportunity do what he did best. 'Y'know,' he began, 'I have a perfect remedy for that.' He sat next to Nanaoon the couch who gave him a weak smile.

'That's a Shunsuism that is,' she said.

'What's that?'

'It's the things you say and certain times that no one else but you would say, I havea book of them,' Nanao said.

'I think I'm meant to feel special, even if that is a little creepy,' Shunsui muttered.

'Is this the bit where we get together and make up?' Nanao asked closing her eyes and leaning back, already feeling drained. She hadn't even eaten breakfast.

Shunsui looked at her, 'No, this is the bit where we get together and make out.'

Nanao opened and eye, 'I'm pretty sure you meant make up.'

Shunsui gave her a wide grin.

'Nope, not at all.'

* * *

Mayuri was surrounding by pink. It was suffocating, warm and surprisingly heavy. He was sinking deeper and deeper into his squishy surrounding.

Why? Why had he jumped into the marshmallow tank to save Yuji?

Mayuri couldn't answer that question. All that he knew was that he flung himself heroically off the railing to go after Yuji. It was just as well Rei was watching otherwise Mayuri might not have bothered.

But that wasn't the problem right now. He had to get of here. Otherwise he might just be the first shinigami captain to be endure death by pink marshmallows. He did not want this. He still had lots of research to do. He still needed to see Nemu grow up. He wanted to make up with Rei and at some point he would have liked to make out with her too. But he wouldn't ever tell her that. He did not want to die.

He wondered how Yuji was doing. Mayuri was betting that the small boy was probably having the time of his life.

Mayuri started to swim. It was incredibly difficult and Mayuri had the horrible feeling that he wasn't getting anywhere. Eventually, however, he burst out from the surface and took in as much air as he could. Next to him Yuji was sitting on top of the marshmallows, stuffing as many as he could into his small mouth. Mayuri was not happy.

Mayuri climbed on top of the sweets and sat like Yujidid, noticing how comfortable it was. There was a shout from above them and Rei looked at him worriedly. For some reasons seeing worry on her face made Mayuri extremely happy. It must have something to do with all this pink, Mayuri thought.

He grabbed Yuji by the scruff of the neck and hurled him to the edge of the container where there was a metal ladder leading down to the ground floor. Mayuri stumbled across, cursing every now and then when he sank knee deep into the soft confectionary.

Rei was waiting for them at the bottom and she gathered Yuji into her arms because he was crying. She thought he was crying because had just fallen into a vat of marshmallow but in fact Yuji was just annoyed that Mayuri had actually thrown him across to the ladder.

Mayuri stood aside from them eyeing Yuji with a little jealously wondering where his hug was.

After this Mayuri thought it was high time they left this crazy place.

* * *

Back in the Soul Society at the school the class gathered in the classroom and Mayuri sat in his chair exhausted, he told the class to write a report on their day trip and dismissed them. After they were gone he let his head fall onto the desk. Mayuri wanted to sleep. Today wasn't right. Nothing was going according to plan. Maybe he should just go back to being the crazy scientist everybody hated.

Mayuri sighed, to be honest he didn't want to do that, he found that with being nice to people meant that he had more respect. He liked this. He also found that he wanted to be nice. But only to certain people thought. In actual fact, Mayuri wondered why he had been the evil mad scientist in the first place.

He wasn't anywhere finding an answer when someone knocked on the door.

Rei walked in carrying a shopping bag.

She sat opposite him and Mayuri looked at her sheepishly.

'Umm hi,' he mumbled, blinking sleepily.

'I want to apologise,' Rei said.

Mayuri's eyes widened. 'For what?'

'Well Yuji told me that he put alcohol in your tea,' Rei explained apologetically.

'He did?'

'Yes, on the way back from the factory,' Rei continued, 'I just had to get it out of my system, I had no right to be that angry so: I'm sorry.'

Mayuri was taken aback. Had Shunsui been right?

Was this the part where they got together and made out? he thought. Mayuri frowned, he meant make up, not make out. Yet.

'Erm, you don't have to be sorry. It was my fault for even having alcohol there in the first place, actually it wasn't, it was Kira's. It was all his fault,' Mayuri said.

Rei smiled at him and offered him the bag. 'I got you a present,' she said.

Mayuri peered into the bag. 'It isn't tuiti fruiti flavour because this was the only one they had,' she said quickly as he placed a tub of marshmallow flavoured ice cream onto his desk.

'Thank you very much,' Mayuri said. He had never really said thanks to anyone before. It felt quite strange.

And then Mayuri did something the old Mayuri would never have done.

'Uh...Rei...do you want to stay and have some...I mean...that is to say...some ice cream...with me...,' he said stumbling on the words. To be honest he didn't really fancy eating something marshmallow flavoured but if it was Rei he would have eaten anything.

Rei smiled at him just as shy. 'Uh if that's ok with you.'

* * *

Later that night Mayuri went home skipping and whistling. He was happy. Very happy.

When he reached his barracks he noticed that Nemu was in his office.

'Oh Nemu, there you are, by the way this morning someone spread peanut butter in my mask, do you know who did it?' he asked.

Nemu bowed, 'My deepest apologies Mayuri-sama, it's just that I bought a new knife and could not help but use it all the time and all that was nearby was your mask and a jar of peanut butter.'

If Nemu had said that any other time Mayuri would have thought it was weird but he was in an uncharacteristically good mood and let it go.

'Don't worry about it, Nemu-chan,' Mayuri said brightly. Nemu glanced at the clock.

'I must be going now,' she said and hurried off.

Mayuri stood there in his office wondering where she would be going at this time at night. Mayuri gasped. Maybe she was going to see her secret boyfriend. Mayuri overcome with over protectiveness failed to realise that Nemu wasn't really the sort of person who had a boyfriend.

Mayuri quickly got over this and started to think about Rei again. This definitely improved his mood.

* * *

It wasn't until sometime later, when Mayuri had long gone sleep that he couldn't remember what had happened to Kira.

Kira's head popped out from the surface of the marshmallows. It was dark and the machines were silent.

'Mayuri? Anyone there?' he called out.

There was no answer.

Kira was slightly afraid. He could believe that he had been left behind. Kira picked up one of the marshmallows and sniffed it then judging that it smelled ok, licked it. Then he popped it into his mouth and chewed.

His eyes widened. What was this food? It was sweet and soft and squishy all at the same time. He had never eaten anything so good.

And Kira soon the forgot that he had been abandoned by his friends and was engrossed in this new heavenly candy he had found.

In the morning when Mayuri would pick Kira up all that Mayuri could deduce from all this was that Kira was a very simple boy and was amazed by simple things.

* * *

**Whoa...that took time to write...ok so yeah...check out the picture if you want...even if you just need something to laugh at...**

**I am kinda like Nemu...if I get something new I just make excuses up to use it...once my mum bought a new knife and I just ended up cutting loads of vegetables for no good reason...twas a very sharp knife...hmmm...very nice...**

**Anyways...yeah...Mayuri...my manly man full of squishy feelings...gosh...**

**Hmmm...next week I am going to Sicily next week for a week so I won't be able to update and then after that I will have to revise for my GCSEs which are ultra important...so what I'm trying to say is that I won't be updating for quite a while. Sorry.**

**But I hope that doesn't stop you from looking out a chapter...that would be sad...**

**I love marshmallows...good stuff...**

**Anyways...I guess that's it from me...i kinda figured that this finished could end in the next five chapters so yeah...nearly over...**

**Leave a review or I will get sad...actually...you'll make Mayuri sad...and you don't want that...nobody likes to watch a manly man cry...**

**Jokes...leave a review or I'll get lonely and I'll have to make out...I mean up...with Mayuri...**

**Jokes again...I am never serious...ok now I am...(-.-)...ok...review if you want...sorry no poem today...thanks for reading...you make my world go round...**


	53. The Meaning of the Feeling

**YOP**

**It looks like I rejected my revising which is ultra bad of me and my exam marks will probably suffer...but that doesn't matter...I still feel proud that I got a chapter up...**

**Recently Rose came round so we could revise together...we started a maths past paper and just realised how bad we were...well I don't know about Rose...but I was shocked...**

**This will be that last chapter with any mention hopefully of the real world...which I think is good because the real world isn't nearly as half as interesting as the soul society...but I have to admit, I've been having so much fun writing about Mayuri that I kinda neglected everybody else...so time to finish it off...and finish off the evilness of terry and shunsui's lizard.**

**And if anyone reads the manga...whoa! Latest chapters...Mayuri and lil Bya and lil Gin!**

**I have a bit of a problem...the new bleach arc has started and its pretty poopie in my opinion. Except for Kira turning up and looking like a little boy...twas a slow episode...**

**Also...any of you people out there good at German?...silent plea for someone to help me! German...gah...it wasn't like I chose that language...we were just given it...darn it...**

**For the sake of blah Terry and the lizard can communicate with thought patterns.**

* * *

Chapter 52

Mayuri was smiling in his sleep.

He did not usually do this. When he did, it was when he was thinking about tooti fruity ice cream or certain people with tooti fruity ice cream on them. The latter thought was usually fuelled by a drinking session with Shunsui.

Normally if Mayuri was sleeping he would sleep like a rock, however, since he had altered his brain to limit the types of dreams he could get, occasionally there would be a few ice cream escapades.

The reason he did this?

Mayuri didn't like being afraid. Nightmares were one of the only things that could make him scared. And in true Mayuri fashion he had inhibited the dream centre in his brain.

However today's smiling was not caused by a dream at all. It was by something real.

Mayuri could feel something against his cheek. It was warm. It went away for a second then came back and Mayuri thought it tickled slightly. It was odd, rather like someone breathing.

Mayuri froze and frowned in his sleep. Why would he be able to feel someone breathing against his cheek if he was in bed? Mayuri was an intelligent man and quickly deduced that someone must be in bed with him.

'Ohmigod!' Mayuri's first subconscious cried out. 'We're having a nightmare!'

'Calm down, this isn't a dream, it must be something real,' assured his second subconscious.

'That's not any better. That just means there could be a real life monster in bed with us!' the first replied.

'Are you even part of the same person, moron? Monsters don't exist. And anyways if it was a monster it would probably have really smelly breath and this thing doesn't,' the second said angrily.

'Hey don't you think I should just wake up now?' Mayuri said to his consciousnesses.

'That's a good idea,' the first one said.

Mayuri wondered why he had more than one subconscious.

He opened his eyes.

At first he wanted to scream, but that would be not so manly and kept it in.

He blinked a few times because his eyes were surely deceiving him.

Rei was next to him.

In his bed, sleeping, breathing on his cheek.

Mayuri was suddenly wary. He didn't wake up to having women in his bed. It just didn't happen. It just wasn't done.

What scared Mayuri even more is that he didn't really want to get out of bed, he wanted to stay and watch Rei sleep.

But then again, if someone walked in on them, Mayuri was pretty sure that person would shout rape because no person would ever willingly enter Mayuri's bed.

With this on his mind, Mayuri tried to edge away from Rei's sleeping form, then to his dismay he found that he had an arm holding her and she had a leg draped across his. Second to this alarming news was that all limbs seemed to have a distressing lack of clothes.

Damn, Mayuri thought, who goes to a sleepover without bothering to get into their pyjamas.

Then it hit him, what if this wasn't as innocent as a sleep over? For some sleep over's the people involved didn't really have a need for jammies.

The possibilities were endless.

Mayuri eyes' shot open and he sat up in bed gasping for breath.

After screaming for a good few minutes he turned and found his bed empty. Glancing at the clock he found that it was only the early hours of the morning.

Slowly it came to Mayuri that the whole thing had been a dream. Mayuri paced up and down his room, occasionally looking at his sheets with distaste. Even if it was only his imagination, he was still thinking about replacing them permanently.

As he marched around his room, Mayuri tried to think logically about his dream. Since Mayuri couldn't have nightmares it obviously couldn't be one of those, but he had the feeling it wasn't one of those general run of the mill dreams either.

It was something else entirely. A love dream as it were. Mayuri wondered why he was having one these.

There was only one person he could help him decipher this.

Shunsui yawned and eyed Mayuri. They were in Mayuri's work office.

'Why am I here again?' he asked his sleepiness evident in his voice.

'Because I need your help, something very odd happened tonight,' Mayuri replied cryptically.

'And I actually followed you?' Shunsui muttered, 'I could be with my darling Nanao right now, all curled up in bed but, no, you dragged me away from her!'

'Erm...Nanao wasn't with you in bed, it was just you snoring.'

'But then who was I making out with?' Shunsui asked confused. Mayuri gave him a blank stare.

'It was your other pillow,' he replied flatly.

'Oh,' Shunsui said, 'that explains a lot of things.'

Mayuri groaned. He really didn't want to know. 'Look, we're here about me and the dodgy dream I had.'

'We are?'

'Yes.'

Shunsui plopped into a chair and Mayuri looked at him from across the desk. Mayuri could tell from the look on his face that Shunsui was about to fall asleep again. He quickly brewed a pot of coffee.

'What's this?' Shunsui asked, eyeing the brown liquid warily.

'Coffee,' Mayuri answered.

'What does it do?'

'What do you mean "What does it do?" I was offering you a drink! Although it'll also keep you awake which is what I need,' Mayuri snapped.

'Ooo Mayuri that sounded so naughty. You want me awake so you can have mad scientist way with me, don't try and hide it from me,' Shunsui teased.

Mayuri slapped his forehead and gulped down the coffee. He should have just given Shunsui sake, god knows the man lives on the stuff. Drinking it as if it were water.

'Oh shut up and listen! Look this is serious: I had a dream,' Mayuri began.

Shunsui was silent, 'Was that it? Yeesh, that was the biggest anti climax ever. You need to work on your story telling abilities.'

Mayuri sighed, 'NO! That wasn't all of it, but you started to pick your nose so I thought I'd wait for you to stop!'

'How was I meant to know that?' Shunsui argued. Mayuri finished his coffee and watched bemused as Shunsui poured himself some more.

'Anyways, back to the point, I was sleeping normally when I suddenly started to feel something against my cheek. After some time I opened my eyes and Rei was in bed with me!'

Mayuri looked at Shunsui who was taking notes and had suddenly sprouted a pair of spectacles. It reminded Mayuri of a therapist. Shunsui motioned Mayuri to carry on.

'Yes, well that's it,' Mayuri said.

'Explain the arrangement in bed.'

'Umm...I guess you could say we were just all over each other,' Mayuri replied, staring at his cup intently. Shunsui resisted a snort.

'Were you clothed or unclothed.'

'Unclothed,' Mayuri replied in a high pitched voice.

'Sorry didn't catch that,' Shunsui said.

'I said unclothed,' Mayuri said sheepishly.

'I see. Well my conclusion is that this was nothing more than a sex dream,' Shunsui said knowingly.

'Shhh! You can't say the s-e-x word around here,' Mayuri said quietly. Shunsui gave him a confused glance.

'Why not?'

'Because Kira has been known to camp outside the office while waiting for school to start. Bad things would happen if he suddenly heard us talking about s-e-x. He's not ready for that sort of stuff,' Mayuri explained quickly. Shunsui frowned.

'Are you trying to tell me he actually doesn't know where children come from?' he asked.

'Yes, Kira thinks that babies come from the post,' Mayuri said.

'Who told him that?'

'...I don't know,' Mayuri replied at length, but Shunsui wasn't buying it.

'You actually told him that children come in the post! That poor boy, oh Mayuri you're worse than I thought,' Shunsui said dramatically. Mayuri stared at the door.

'Yes but Kira is a...special case. He isn't ready for this sort of thing. It started from a young age. You have seen the boy haven't you? You don't want to open that whole can of worms by telling him where babies come from.'

'It can't be that bad. It's not like he doesn't know what girls are,' Shunsui joked. Mayuri was silent. Shunsui went pale.

'Are you kidding me?' Shunsui glanced furtively at the door, as if an alien might be outside it, 'He actually doesn't know what girls are?'

'Let's just say that Gin wasn't exactly the most educational teacher one could have asked for,' Mayuri said, trying to move the disturbing subject of Kira along.

Shunsui gulped down another cup of coffee, trying to get Kira out of his mind. After a while he remembered why he was in Mayuri's office in the first place.

'Right, back to your dream. As I was saying it was totally filled with thoughts of se-,' Shunsui paused for a minute trying in vain to think of another word to use, '...lust.'

Mayuri gave him a hard stare, 'What do you mean, I have no lust. I am a lust free zone.'

'Apparently not, it's pretty obvious you want to get wild with this innocent girl. Mayuri, how could you?' Shunsui asked as if deeply ashamed of his colleague.

'Don't try and make me out as you!' Mayuri said angrily, 'I want to do no such thing.'

Shunsui raised an eyebrow, 'You sure about that?'

Mayuri squirmed in his seat. Shunsui grinned. Mayuri didn't really know what he wanted.

'Look, this is just my professional take on things,' Shunsui began not even noticing Mayuri' snort, 'You like her, she likes you.'

'Is that it?' Mayuri asked. Shunsui beamed at him.

'Yup.'

'That doesn't explain why I had the dream,' Mayuri said but Shunsui shook his head.

'Oh, that one's easy. I once read a book on dream interpretation,' the eight squad captain patted his chest as if reading the book made him an expert. 'The reason you had the dream is because you are in fact deeply in love with this woman and want to spend the rest of your life with her.'

Mayuri frowned, 'That sounds like a bit much.'

'Well if you can't stop thinking about this person and you want to keep seeing them...'

'That just sounds like I have an obsession,' Mayuri muttered trying not to sound disgruntled.

'Trust me, I know what I'm on about. You're in love with this woman.'

Mayuri frowned for a moment, thinking about what Shunsui just said. The man had sorted out his own problems finally, so it made sense that he knew what being in love was like. But then again Shunsui had said he loved lots of women so Mayuri wondered how he would know that Shunsui had the real thing.

'What does being in love feel like?' Mayuri asked to test Shunsui's feelings. Surely if they were both in love they would both feel the same thing. Shunsui looked perplexed for a moment.

'Pretty normal. Bog standard. You just feel happier, I guess,' he replied after some time. Mayuri stared.

'Love isn't meant to feel like that! It's meant to be fluffy and romantic and...and...tearful!' he shouted. Shunsui looked at him.

'How would you know what love feels like? You're Mayuri for crying out loud. You don't even know what love is,' Shunsui shot back.

'Haven't you ever seen Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail? Those films are all about love,' Mayuri asked. It was Shunsui's turn to stare.

'Are you telling me that you draw your definition of love from a couple of rubbish real world films and would rather believe that than someone who's actually experienced it?' Shunsui asked, slightly annoyed and shocked that Mayuri watched those sort of films.

'No offence but your love life isn't exactly normal. I mean, you've probably been in love with dozens of women,' Mayuri said in an offhand way. Something inside Shunsui snapped. He stomped around the table, grabbed Mayuri's shoulders and pinned him to the wall.

'That was something else, and it sure as hell wasn't love!' Shunsui shouted, Mayuri, who had never seen Shunsui angry before, was still and opened his mouth to speak but Shunsui continued, ' Love is different to attraction, but its kinda hard to tell the difference,' he said softly.

'Well then, how is it different?' Mayuri asked, hoping Shunsui would let go of him. He didn't.

'You think everything's normal, then it turns out it's not. You stop being angry at the things you usually get annoyed by. You become clumsy, you walk into walls, you stop paying attention to things, all because your mind isn't focused. It's a mess and it's confused by an emotion it doesn't understand, it clutters up your thought patterns, the only things that stops it, is by thinking of that one person. The one person, who when you think of, clears up your mind up instantly. And in your mind there is only that person and no one else. Nothing's worth doing unless that person is with you, they have no faults, they are perfect. And the funniest thing of them all is that you don't even realise it's happening, you think everything is normal.'

Mayuri was silent, absorbing what Shunsui had just said. He had never seen the serious side of Shunsui but he thought it was more intelligent than the usual one. And for once Mayuri actually caught himself believing what he had just said. Slowly, Shunsui let go of Mayuri and walked over to his chair. After taking a long slurp of his coffee he looked up and frowned.

'Hmm, what were we just talking about?' he asked scratching his head. Mayuri gaped wordlessly at him, still standing against his wall.

'Haha, Mayuri, you like a fishy,' Shunsui laughed with no memory of what had just happened. Mayuri stumbled into his chair and stared at the man sitting across from him.

'Do you seriously not remember?'

'No, I have a huge headache thought, this coffee stuff is worse than sake.'

* * *

_Real World_

Terry sniffed the air. His compatriot in crime, namely Shunsui's lizard had tagged along too. They were both quite glad to get out of their owner's reaches. They could not stand them.

The two had somehow smuggled themselves into the real world and had been banking on a an adventure with hollows getting killed every so often. However they soon found that they had hitched a ride on nothing more than a routine patrol. No hollows, no adventures.

So they had decided to ditch the boring shinigami and have their own little journey.

Terry knew his way vaguely around Karakura because he'd spent a lot of time, unfortunately for him, with Kira. However this was a new experience for the lizard who had been living in the Soul Society for as long as he could remember.

After a few hours of aimlessly wandering around trying to find a cinema, Terry suddenly had a great idea. A master plan of sorts. Something that would cause people lots of pain and grief. This would certainly make the afterlife more fun.

Since the lizard didn't actually know what was going on it followed Terry without hesitation. It was only till they reached their destination that the lizard truly began to question Terry's knowledge.

* * *

Ichigo was a fairly happy guy. Things were going well for him.

Rukia was a fairly happy girl. Things were going well for her.

They were watching television when they heard it.

A crash in the kitchen.

Ichigo turned his head towards the kitchen.

'Are the Mayuri's here?' he asked.

Shaking her head Rukia got up and went to the door. 'No, they all went shopping, I think,' Rukia answered.

Ichigo frowned, he was under the impression that they were alone in the house. At least that's what he'd told his family he wanted. So it wasn't them.

'Maybe it's a burglar,' Rukia said, grabbing a broom and Ichigo snorted.

'What are you planning on doing with that?' he muttered.

'I don't see anything else we could use,' Rukia said quietly and opened the door. Ichigo held his breath and peered in.

* * *

Terry wasn't really sure what he was doing but he did know that this was the only way into the house without causing too much alarm. This involved sneaking in through the back door as Terry had seen demonstrated by Zaraki. Except in that case, Zaraki only had to give a manly stare directed at the door and a well aimed kick.

After some nifty negotiating with the door handle the lizard had managed to claw open the lock. The door swung inwards soundlessly.

The two creatures and peeked in. Judging it was safe to finally move, Terry led the way and they looked around cautiously. It seemed that no one was home. Terry shuddered as there was a crashing sound behind him. Turning around quickly he saw that the lizard had managed to knock over the bin while trying to climb up it.

'_What were you trying do?' _the porcupine hissed angrily.

'_I was trying to get a better look out point, and I think it's time we asked for directions, this is definitely not the cinema?_' the lizard replied in a calm tone.

'_Asking for directions is for sissies,'_ Terry muttered. There was noise from behind the door and Terry froze. This was trouble. If someone found out they were here...

The lizard didn't need telling twice and scuttled behind the fridge. Unfortunately for Terry he was in the middle of kitchen and there wasn't anywhere to hide.

The kitchen door opened and a human looked in, spotted Terry and gave a cry of shock.

'Ohmygosh! Ichigo is that a bandicoot?' the female human shouted. Terry frowned, this human must be really dumb to think a porcupine was a bandicoot.

'No, that's just a regular porcupine...it looks kinda familiar,' the second human mused, scratching his shock of bright orange hair, 'I wonder how it got inside, dad must have left the door unlocked again.'

Another human came into the kitchen, Terry's eyes widened. The newcomer had dark blue hair and cold gold eyes. He squinted at Terry. 'Hey, haven't we seen him before?' he asked the others.

Terry thought it was a good idea to scram, thinking that First probably wasn't the best person to run into. He turned to the open door and made a dash for it but the many days of sitting around and doing nothing but eat Kira's food started to take its toll and he was panting just as he reached the door.

The blue haired human took and idle step and shut door, sliding the bolt home.

'Sorry, you aren't going anywhere,' he said.

* * *

The lizard watched calmly from its hiding place. That obnoxious animal had gotten itself captured, it thought. It wondered what it should do. For now, in the end, it decided to stay put.

* * *

First sighed. He was pretty sure that this was the animal the Soul Society were looking for. He had received a routine report from the twelfth headquarters keeping him apprised of what was going on, contained in it were some pretty boring things but one bulletin stuck out. It read something like this:

Third squad lieutenant, Kira Izuru, has reported that his friend has gone missing. The description of the friend is as follows: it is twenty six inches long and 13 pounds in weight, the missing friend has also been reported to having an eight inch tail and is covered in brown thorns. If this friend is spotted please report to the third squad immediately.

At first, the Mayuri clone had given little thought about this, but when he saw the creature in the kitchen he couldn't help but wonder. He had contacted the squad but Kira was away so he had to call back later.

He had put the creature in one of the clinic rooms and locked the door. That should keep secure for a few more hours. The front door opened and Second walked into the living room. Dropping what seemed to be shopping bags onto the floor, he reached for his clone's potato chips which were lying forgotten on the couch. First eyed the bags on the floor.

'Looks like a successful day of shopping,' he commented and Second grunted, shovelling chips into his mouth.

'Lots to buy,' he said in offer of explanation and drank the last crumbs of food from the packet.

First peered into one of the bags, 'What did you get?'

Second snatched the bad away, 'Stop being so nosy, why do you care?'

'I want to know because, I don't want you to waste _our_ money,' First explained, grabbing another bag. He opened the box to find some lacy undergarments intended for the female population of the world. First scowled.

'You bought lingerie?' he shouted. Second looked at him coolly.

'Yes, I did.'

'Why on earth would you need lingerie?' First shouted, he glanced at the price tags and made a wheezing sound. 'And why are they so bloody expensive?!'

Second flicked disinterestedly through an old magazine. 'They're for Ryoko. It's her birthday next week.'

First froze. He hadn't known this. This was something important. But something he couldn't get over is why Second knew and he didn't.

'How did you find out it's her birthday?' First asked, calming down. Second flicked the television on.

'We send emails regularly, she told me,' he replied. For some reason First was incredibly angry, he wasn't really sure why. He also probably didn't want to admit that it might be jealousy.

After a few minutes of silence First spoke. 'Umm, no meaning to pry or anything...why did you get her something so...umm...intimate...I mean...why get something that you won't see get used...,' First stopped and rethought his last sentence. He caught Second smirking while watching the news and First was suddenly very anxious.

'I mean it's not like you're that close...,' he laughed nervously watching Second's face. He didn't bat an eyelid. First's face dropped and he became very worried. What if they were that close? What did that mean then? Was he just going to be cast aside and forgotten?

'Are you close?' he asked carefully. Second glanced at him for a second.

'Wouldn't _you_ like to know?' he murmured and went back to watching the television. First frowned. He wasn't being unreasonable. He just wanted to know if his clone was going out with girl he liked. Nothing wrong in that. This was absolutely normal.

'Hey don't be like that, we're brothers, hell, we're clones of each other,' First said amiably, patting Second on the back, 'Are you going out with Ryoko?'

Second flicked off the television and turned to him. 'Even if I was, I wouldn't tell you,' he said and walked off.

First sat back and sighed. Where was he going to get all his information from?

At that moment there was a squealing sound and Third rushed into the room. 'What's wrong?' First asked.

'There's a ma-hou-ssive rodent in one of the clinic rooms,' Third explained worriedly.

'Oh that's nothing, just a stray soul, I was going to send it back to the Soul Society at some point and mahoussive isn't a word,' First replied. Third shuddered at the thought of touching Terry.

'No, it's not, but I thought the occasion called for a new word, it's just an exaggerated way of saying massive,' Third replied in a matter of fact tone.

'Hey, this is just a random question, because I have nothing to ask...is Second close with Ryoko?' First asked. Third looked at him with a knowing smile.

'Ohh, your jealous because I told him when her birthday is,' Third said. First instantly grabbed his collar.

'Why didn't you tell me, Second's a mad man. She's more safe with me!' First stopped for a moment, 'Hold on, why did he tell me they exchanged emails when you told him when her birthday is?'

'Probably to wind you up, it's a hobby of his,' Third said.

First crossed his arms and huffed. This was not turning out to be his day. 'He bought her lingerie.'

Third laughed, 'I didn't think he'd actually go and do that. I guess it really proves that he'd do anything, if he thought it would please her.'

First left with a dark cloud over his head.

* * *

Terry was sleeping when he heard the scratching sound. It was coming from the lock in the door and he instantly scurried away. After a few seconds the door swung open and the lizard crawled in.

Terry watched in astonishment as the lizard came over to him.

'_I thought you'd runaway,_' he muttered.

'_I was thinking about it but I couldn't do that to your owner he's way too sensitive.' _The lizard pointed a claw at the door_, 'Let's just get out of here.'_

Terry shook his small head_, 'We can't do that, we came here for a reason and I'm not going home till I've done it.'_

The lizard sighed_, 'Fine whatever but it better be quick!'_

Terry led them to the doorway and paused. 'As a thank you for coming to save me I want to make you my sidekick. And as a sidekick I get to give you a kick ass name.'

The lizard frowned. '_Well it better be a good one,_' it thought.

Terry frowned in deep thought.

'_Well just so you know, it better be a gi-,'_ but Terry cut the lizard off.

'_I know, I'll call you Paul!'_

The lizard gave the porcupine a deadpan look but Terry didn't notice. '_Ok Paul, let's do this thing.'_

The newly dubbed 'Paul' gave a lizard sigh and followed the porcupine resignedly, wondering about the task ahead.

* * *

Ichigo slept soundly, snoring and thrashing around as if battling hollows in his sleep.

Terry snuck in, Paul following silently. They crept up to Ichigo's bed.

'_What do we do now?_' Paul asked.

Terry climbed onto the bed, holding the stolen material in his mouth. '_Now, we wait_.'

* * *

Rukia knew there was something wrong the minute she stepped into the room. It started with the fact that Ichigo was naked in bed. Covered up in all the right places, but still butt naked. Ichigo never did that. It wasn't exactly what you'd call a warm night either, on top of this his windows were wide open. Rukia frowned and shook Ichigo awake, something fell to the floor, but she ignored it. Ichigo grumbled angrily and sat up, the sheets moving from all the places. Rukia kept her eyes on Ichigo's face.

'What's going on?' she asked casually. Ichigo frowned, realising he wasn't wearing anything and that he was on full display. His face went red.

'Why-Why am I naked?' Ichigo cried out. Rukia had to step away for a moment because he was being so loud and inadvertently her gaze shifted. She turned around extremely quickly.

'Put some clothes on!' she ordered. Ichigo mumbled something and wrapped himself in his sheets.

'What is going on?' Ichigo asked confused. Rukia turned around and caught sight of something on the floor. She picked it up and gasped. Ichigo did too.

'What is this?' she demanded.

'Women's underwear,' Ichigo said weakly. Rukia stared at him.

'Where did you get this? I didn't think you were into women's clothing so I can only assume it came from another woman.'

Ichigo whimpered and wished someone was here to protect him.

'It's still warm, for crying out loud, did you let her out the window or what? What on Earth were you doing?' Rukia shouted already believing her own conclusions about what was going on. Poor Ichigo didn't even see it coming.

She threw it at his face, Ichigo letting go of the sheets, tried to protect his face. The sheets fell. Third walked into the room.

'My my, what's going on here? You young 'uns have all the fun in the morning don't you,' Third commented watching in amusement as Ichigo tried to find proper clothes. Rukia was still standing there. Third poked her.

'Are you ok?' he asked looking at Rukia's face. She was staring straight ahead through Ichigo's window. Second walked into the room.

'Hey, can people knock before they come in my room?' Ichigo asked angrily.

'No can do Ichigo, homes are place where one should feel at home,' Second said.

'That didn't have anything to do with anything,' Ichigo muttered but Second wasn't listening. He waved a hand in front of Rukia's face. She didn't even blink.

From under the bed, Terry was laughing. Last night he had taken some things out of Second's shopping bags and planted them in Ichigo's room. Paul sighed, this was too childish for it.

'What's wrong with Rukia?' Ichigo asked, taking a step towards her. Third stood in his way. 'Hold on there, kid, we can't let you see her right now.'

'Why not?' Ichigo said, getting angrier by the second.

'Well it looks to me like we have a unfaithful boyfriend here,' Third said to Second who went over to the bed.

'Holy crap, he really did have someone here, these have got brown hair on them.'

Everyone in the room froze. Ichigo paled. What the hell was going on?

Terry snickered from the safety of the bed. Paul muttered, the only reason they had hair in them is because Terry had sat on it. Surely humans weren't this dumb.

At last, after several minutes Rukia came out of her daze. She took one look at Ichigo, squeaked and hurried out of the room. Ichigo watched her run and tried to walk through everything he had done the previous day. To his knowledge he hadn't done anything or drunk anything. So how did he wake up naked with what seemed to be used women's underwear in his bed?

The sound of footsteps on stairs could be heard and First burst into the room. 'Has anyone seen the porcupine?' he asked breathlessly.

They turned to him, everyone still trying to get round Ichigo's seemingly unfaithful night, 'No, why do you ask?' Second said.

'Well, he's gone missing, someone or something opened the door and let him out, I've checked whole of the downstairs but I can't find him,' First explained.

Second frowned for a moment and hurried back to his room where it looked like his shopping bags had fallen over, but on closer inspection Second found traces of brown hairs.

He hurried back to the others and held a finger to his lips. They looked at him blankly. Second quickly looked under Ichigo's desk. Seeing nothing he sighed and said, 'I was so sure that the porcupine would be in here,' at the look on the others faces he carried on, 'I found brown hair, by the lingerie I bought yesterday and the boxes were open.'

First frowned, wondering how one piece of lingerie could cause so much trouble. He looked at the bed and signalled for Second to come over and stand at the other end of the bed. He lifted the sheets and looked under. There was a frightened squeak and sounds of haste being made to escape, right into Second's waiting hands.

He held them so they could all see. 'Seems like we have another one,' Second said looking at the lizard who being a female was just thinking that they should have asked for directions to the cinema.

'I wonder where they all came from?' Ichigo asked. Everyone ignored him and with a final sigh he went to look for Rukia.

* * *

Kira was pleasantly surprised to have Terry delivered right back to him. Pinned to the box was a hastily scribbled note from First saying that he'd better keep that animal locked up forever.

Kira raised an eyebrow and stared into Terry's eyes. He didn't like what he saw. Hisagi was right and now so was First there was definitely something wrong with this animal. But Kira thought it was so cute he didn't have the heart to kick him out.

And so Terry stayed.

* * *

Paul on the other hand, escaped from Ichigo's house, managed to ask for directions and still got to watch a film at the cinema. After this she returned to the Soul Society with the patrol they had arrived with.

* * *

Several days later, Ichigo had a rather threatening meeting with Byakuya who said he was visiting for his sister's welfare. Ichigo couldn't help but feel a little bit intimidated by the sixth squad captain who had heard from Mayuri that the clones passed him some interesting information about that fateful morning.

* * *

First scrounged up the courage to go and talk to Ryoko instead of getting his information from Second. From this he discovered that Ryoko's birthday wasn't until three months away and that she in no way exchanged emails with Second regularly. This made him feel extremely happy. In his happiness he asked her out. She said no, but it's the fact he asked that was what counted.

* * *

Mayuri typed away at a computer, even though his school placement had ended a few days ago he still thought about it. Mainly about certain person.

Mayuri sighed and stared at the screen, he had made twenty typing errors already. Deciding that it was too late to try anymore, he got up and walked to his room. Without realising it he missed the door and walked into the wall instead. An officer came up to him asking if he was ok, but Mayuri wasn't really paying attention. His brain felt as if it was crammed full with too many things. He had to admit the whole day had been like a dream. He had fallen over his own feet and this evening wasn't the only time he had walked into a wall. He stopped listening in meetings and he stopped getting annoyed every time Nemu left under suspicious circumstances. This night however Mayuri just be bothered and his mind flicked over to Rei.

Mayuri froze. Rei. When he thought about her things got better. His mind didn't seem so cloudy, his thoughts were ordered and meaningful. He glanced forlornly at a tub of ice cream on his desk. It wouldn't feel right to eat it alone, he wanted her with him because that's when it counted. Even though she was science geek and aplogised too much, Mayuri thought she was perfect. He wanted to be with her more than anyone else.

And the funny thing was, Mayuri didn't even realise what was going on.

* * *

**At the beginning I totally set this out to be comedy chapter but I guess that didn't really happen. I was going to think of some humorous exchange between Shunsui and Mayuri but I guess it turned out serious.**

**I also tried to get this out quicker. Hence my desperation...i mentioned actual films in there...i dont actually like those films but they came on tv recently...**

**I apologise for the sudden change in direction with the story but I had to get things moving, and anyways this is the last of the real world. So YAY and YOP!**

**Mahoussive is the best word ever. It should be real...but it's not...**

**Terry and Paul...what dears...they still have some minor roles to fill...I think...**

**Oh well, stuff happens. I do love a good bit of smush. Shunsui's little serious speech...awwwwww...**

**Anyways, this will definitely be the last chapter for now until my exams are over. We're having bad weather...its raining then warm then raining then warm...it goes on and on...**

**I only have about three chapters till the end now I think. This story has gone on and on.**

**My manly Mayuri is feeling out of sorts with this whole love thing. He doesn't have to suffer alone though. I am here for him!**

**I also need to write about Byakuya. Haven't written anything about him. Maybe I should write a whole new story about him...**

**Big shout to my school friend Catherine, who loves smush as much as I do! Woop Woop.**

**Poem time! **

**There was once a fan called Hugh,  
who never left a review  
****after rhea said,  
he shall be dead,  
and so felt the wrath of winnie the pooh**

**yay poem poem!...ok...I won't go that far...I could never make winnie the pooh hurt anyone...so yeah...please review...if you have anything to say...about me as a person or the story...or even if ur someone who never leaves reviews ever and just likes to read stories...even if you just put a dash in the review i dont mind...just so i know you're out there...**

**hehheh I can't force you to do anything...yop...good night y'all...wish me luck with my exams...**


	54. A Little Thing Called Forgiveness

**Gah...half way there...or something like that...and I don't think I've been doing that well. My exams won't end till the 20****th**** June...**

**I still have a fair few exams to do which sucks...but oh well...**

**One day I was with my dad in the car and we were driving somewhere...and suddenly we started talking about dream jobs...he told me that he wanted to be a rally car driver...while thinking about this..I said that my dream job would be to be a fighter pilot and my dad stared at me and said that this wasn't the job he'd pick for me...for the whole journey he kept looking at me as if I wasn't an Asian...one day I'll be a doctor I guess...or something Asian like that...fighter pilot is out of the question it seems... oh well...**

**Thinking about it now I should've said doctor...but if it really came down to it I'd like to be a detective…seems interesting….I'd probably be really bad at it….**

**I wrote this chapter while drinking coffee from Starbucks….love Starbucks….**

**Anyways...on with the story...**

* * *

Chapter 53

'I love you.'

Byakuya froze and stared at the person in front of him.

'I'm sorry?' he replied, unsure if he had heard correct.

'I love you,' Mayuri repeated.

There was silence for a few minutes and Byakuya was wondering whether this was some not-so-funny joke.

'I've been told that by a lot of people,' Byakuya began, 'my mother, which is understandable, my grandmother which is even more understandable, my wife, rabid fan girls, my second cousin-the black sheep of the family who we never talk about because she was always high but never once have I been told that by a man, if you even fall into that category.' Byakuya eyed him up and down as if trying to make a decision on this.

Mayuri digested this slowly and frowned, 'Hey, I am a man ok, so stop looking at me as if wasn't. Hold on. What about your father? Surely he of all people would have told you that he loved you.'

Byakuya narrowed his eyes, 'That's not the point,' he said quickly in an uncomfortable way and Mayuri gave him one of those stares that told Byakuya he wasn't being convincing.

'Sure,' Mayuri said slowly with a slightly smug look on his face. Oh how he loved causing a little pain now and then. It didn't strike him as slightly insensitive to ask Byakuya about something so personal and this is probably why most people don't like him. Mayuri thought he was being friendly and to be honest Mayuri was getting a little tired of acting nice all the time, sure, he had gotten slightly carried away with the whole teaching thing but that was to get closer to Rei. Probably to ask something personal and insensitive. This was how Mayuri worked.

'You had better stop smiling,' Byakuya said the contempt evident in his voice.

'And why would I do that?' Mayuri asked.

'Because your teeth, to be frank, are positively creepy.' The smile grew wider and Byakuya frowned, 'Why were you even confessing your love to me in the middle of the corridor?'

'It was practise,' Mayuri said. Byakuya caught his meaning immediately.

'Good God man, who on Earth would you want to say that to and why me?' Byakuya asked feeling extremely sorry for whoever was at the receiving end of this line.

'You were the first person I saw,' Mayuri said uneasily and shuffled his feet uneasily but said nothing about who he was going to say it to.

'It isn't Nemu is it?' Byakuya asked, not usually concerned with these things. Mayuri actually looked shocked.

'Hell no! That's just wrong. Ewww. That's enough to give a grown man the heebie jeebies,' Mayuri recoiled in horror and Byakuya felt relieved.

'Are you a grown man?' Byakuya questioned. Mayuri stared, unsure of what to do.

'Yes...'

'Are you getting the heebie jeebies?'

Mayuri was slightly put off by this man. This was why not many people talked to him. He was odd...and manly at the same time.

'So who is it?'

Mayuri was thrown by the suddenness of the question and instead drew circles in the floor with a toe. How had it come down to this? He was only trying to test out his ability to actually say the word 'love'. Well, at least he wasn't spilling his heart out to Shunsui. That normally ended rather badly with Shunsui giving the only advice he could give. Drunk advice. Mayuri did actually feel a little weirded out that he was having this sort of talk with Byakuya. You didn't talk to this man about personal issues, even if your life depended on it. You didn't even talk to Byakuya. He was just there. A presence in the room.

Byakuya arched an eyebrow, obviously Mayuri wasn't going to tell him, but curiosity got the better of him. This usually did not happen.

'It's that woman from your teaching position, isn't it?'

Mayuri looked up sharply, wondering how Byakuya knew this. Byakuya allowed himself the luxury of a small smile. This didn't mean much, only a small upward tilt of the mouth. You'd probably need an electron microscope to see it.

'How did you know that?' Mayuri asked surprised. Byakuya looked at him.

'I know everything,' he replied simply. Mayuri frowned but sighed. His shoulders drooped.

'Yeah, I think I love her, but I'm not sure,' he said, feeling sorry for himself. Byakuya gave him a no-nonsense look.

'Well, she's definitely not going to love you if she finds out you confessed to me. A man,' Byakuya explained and watched a few subordinates rush off, averting his gaze, probably bursting to gossip about what Mayuri had just done. He didn't really mind, probably because he was used to the many and mostly untrue rumours that were spread about him. Byakuya felt as if he was above it all.

Mayuri on the other hand was less than pleased.

'Oh my gosh! What if she finds out?'

'She'll think you're gay,' Byakuya said calmly. Mayuri stared at him with wide eyes.

'Why are you so calm?'

'I'm not exactly going to be affected by this,' Byakuya said slowly.

'But according to those gossip people, I have just confessed my love for you!' Just saying this made Mayuri feel uncomfortable. He wasn't meant to say things like that. Byakuya made no response and looked at his fingernails. Satisfied that they were clean, he looked up.

'People confess their love for me left, right and centre, twenty four-seven. I'm used to it and everyone knows it's going nowhere. Mayuri, you're the only one who's going to feel the consequences of this one.'

And with that Byakuya left.

Mayuri was speechless, that was probably the longest conversation anyone had ever had with Byakuya. Mayuri ought to have felt special, but he didn't.

Shunsui caught sight of his friend immobile in the corridor and waved a hand drunkenly in front of Mayuri's eyes. He didn't move a muscle.

'Hey, wake up in there,' Shunsui said, knocking on the other captain's head as if it were a door. Mayuri blinked at looked at Shunsui with a faint look of disdain.

'Oh, it's you,' Mayuri muttered, and turned around to leave but Shunsui was quicker.

'Hold on, what's this about you confessing your love for Bya? I didn't know you were gay. All those manly nights out drinking, I thought you were my friend. Now I know you were just coming on to me.'

Mayuri rolled his eyes and stepping on Shunsui's foot in a juvenile way, he stomped off.

When asked about the pain later by Nanao Shunsui would say that he was assaulted by a jilted lover. Nanao would then lose all sympathy for him.

--

It was around lunchtime when it happened.

Mayuri was pretty sure she had planned it out.

She got him alone in the office.

Nemu sat opposite him and Mayuri looked up from his work papers.

'What do you want Nemu?' Mayuri asked, unsure of what was about to happen. Lately, Mayuri found he was spending a lot of time away from his Nemu and he wondered why this was. For some reason they were shifting further and further away. Nemu was hardly ever around the headquarters and didn't come back till late. He didn't like it. At this point any normal person would have thought that their daughter was seeing someone. Mayuri had to be told.

'First of Mayuri-sama, I would like to say I know you're not into those of the male persuasion,' Nemu began and Mayuri looked at her. How had that gotten around so fast? 'Secondly, I am inviting someone round for dinner on Saturday and I would like it if you were there.'

This caught Mayuri's attention. 'Who is it?'

'Shuhei Hisagi,' Nemu said, her voice devoid of emotion. Mayuri dropped his ink brush and gaped. He connected the dots.

'Oh...my...' he started but was rendered speechless. After a few moments of silence, Mayuri collected himself.

'Is this the person you've been spending all your time with?' he asked.

'Yes.'

Mayuri was a little shocked. He thought he was keeping Nemu busy with work but apparently not. She had obviously found ample time for gallivanting away with Hisagi.

'And now you're inviting him to dinner.'

'Yes.'

'I see.'

Mayuri tried to think about what a real father would do at this point. Without even hearing the whole story he was ready to knock on Hisagi's door and deck him in the face. What unspeakable man things had Hisagi done to his precious innocent Nemu. Mayuri frowned, maybe he should leave out the innocent part, thinking that Nemu did know about the meaning of kinky.

Mayuri who really didn't know what to say decided to give this Hisagi the benefit of the doubt.

'Fine, I'll be there...hang on where are we having dinner?' Mayuri suddenly asked confused. He hardly thought that you could have a private dinner in the dining hall.

'In your personal dining room,' Nemu said, having pre-planned everything. Mayuri stared.

'But...that's my room,' Mayuri said, sounding like a whiny child.

'It is the only way,' Nemu replied sounding slightly melodramatic for no good reason.

'It doesn't matter, I turned it into a storage room ages ago, because it was never used it,' Mayuri said with a triumphant smile. Maybe he didn't have to do this dinner thing after all. Nemu moved her head slightly.

'We'll clean it,' she said determinedly. Mayuri's smile died and became a zombie smile which was basically an upside down smile.

'That's going to take ages,' he argued weakly.

'We will start in the morning then,' Nemu said straight to the point.. Mayuri was actually quite surprised at how much Nemu wanted this dinner. Did Hisagi actually mean something to her? Mayuri shuddered at the thought, the word son-in-law swirling around his head. He didn't realise that he was thinking too much.

'By the way what do I get out of this?' Mayuri wondered out loud. Nemu had the answer already. She had a secret weapon.

'I was thinking, Mayuri-sama, that we should maybe invite Oshiro Rei-san over for dinner as well. In the private dining room,' Nemu said tactfully. Mayuri froze. Shunsui had said something about this. What was it? Something about romantic moonlit dinners? Whatever he said, if Mayuri could have dinner with Rei he would probably do anything for it. Even sit down and have dinner with Hisagi and Nemu. This was father daughter bonding he thought to himself happily.

'That works fine with me,' Mayuri answered and Nemu gave a tiny smile. Mayuri thought this was incredibly cute. Then he got the heebie jeebies and stopped thinking about her at all.

--

A few days later Mayuri found himself outside Rei's classroom door. He gulped once and thought about turning back.

He was just about to knock when the door opened. Rei's eyes widened when she saw him and she instantly turned around.

Ohmygosh!, Mayuri thought drastically, she thinks I'm a gay!

'Err, just so you know, I'm not gay,' he said quickly. Rei looked at him surprised.

'Ummm, ok,' she replied, utterly confused. Mayuri frowned.

''Isn't that why you turned away from me?' he asked, now just as confused as she was.

'No, I was just a bit creeped out by your face,' she said. Mayuri stood there.

'Would it be better if I took it off?' he questioned.

'Yes.'

Mayuri ripped it off. Only because she thought he looked better without it. Mayuri seemed to be pretty devoted. Rei stood there, wondering why this man had come to see her.

Mayuri was silent, missing his mask already. If Shunsui had been there he would have commented about awkward silences.

After a couple of minutes Mayuri gathered a bit of courage and said, 'Speaking hypothetically, how would you react if someone confessed their love for you right now?'

Rei blinked, wondering if she had heard right. 'I'd probably call my older brother who'd then deck that person in the face, tie weights to their feet and throw them into the nearest river,' she said as a joke.

Mayuri missed this and didn't like what he heard. 'Oh, I didn't know you had a brother.'

'Yes, our parents died when we were young, he cared for me after that,' she said. Wheels were turning inside Mayuri's head and he tapped his chin.

'Would it be possible to meet your brother?' he asked, thinking that he should be nice to whatever family she had and not experiment on them by mistake.

'I guess,' she replied, still not understanding what was going on.

Mayuri tried again, 'Back to the hypotheses, if someone were to invite you to dinner on Saturday what would you say?'

Like most people Rei replied that it depended on who was asking.

Mayuri took a gamble.

'Nemu,' he lied.

This made Rei even more confused, 'Your lieutenant is asking me out to dinner?'

'Yes,' Mayuri said, and then realised how that sounded, ' I mean no! She's err having a dinner party and erm…you're invited.'

'Really?' Rei asked, thinking that she didn't really know Nemu that well.

'Yes.'

'I guess I'd say ok,' she said.

Mayuri waited a beat, then made up his mind.

'Stopping those hypotheses for a moment. Would you go to dinner with me on Saturday?' he asked, if Shunsui was here he would probably have been crying with pride.

Rei frowned, 'But I thought you just said your lieutenant is having a dinner party.'

'I lied, I'm not really sure why I said that,' he answered truthfully.

'Oh.'

She looked at him and thought she saw something that resembled sincerity in his eyes. It was probably the fact that they were just a pretty and gold but something about them made her say yes.

'I would love to go to dinner with you,' she said without even realising what she'd just done. Mayuri nearly fainted with happiness but valiantly recovered himself because he didn't think fainting was very manly.

'Umm what time is this dinner?' Rei asked.

'Errr…I don't really know,' Mayuri replied. Rei looked at him, frowning slightly. 'I know that doesn't sound very promising, but I do know that it is on Saturday evening, I guess at seven. I'll ask Nemu,' he continued quickly, not wanting to disappoint.

'Uh, ok then, is Nemu coming too?'

'Yes and so is uh Hisagi from the ninth division.' There was silence for a moment and Mayuri wondered if he had made a terrible mistake in saying this. However Rei's face split into a large smile that made Mayuri turn all gloopy. So gloopy in fact that green goo started to drip out of one of his ear holes. Rei's face turned from a smile to something akin to horror in a split second.

'Oh my gosh! Mayuri, there's green goo coming out of your ear!'

Mayuri comically swatted his ear with a hand to stop try and stop this. This only ever happened when he was ultra happy, Mayuri thought it was embarrassing while others thought it was just plain gross. After it stopped Mayuri asked, 'Why did you start smiling?'

'Oh, that's because Hisagi and I are childhood friends,' she replied happily.

'Oh,' Mayuri said, his face dropping. For some reason he felt rather disappointed. He was also confused because he didn't know that Hisagi even had friends. Rei didn't seem to notice.

'So I'll see you at around seven on Saturday,' she confirmed.

'I guess so,' Mayuri replied gloomily and then something happened that Mayuri never thought would happened. Rei hugged him, and he just stood there like a tree, unmoving as she wrapped her arms around him, her head resting on his chest.

'Err, Mayuri, are you ok?'

Mayuri blinked at the voice and looked around. Rei was not hugging him, only looking at him with slight worry.

'What just happened?' he asked.

'Well you went silent for a moment and then you started to drool….' She explained.

'Oh.' Mayuri was rather annoyed that it has just been a dream. It didn't look like that would actually be happening anytime soon.

'I'll just be going then,' he said. Rei looked thoughtful for a moment as if contemplating something.

'Err, are you busy?' she asked.

'Depends.'

'On what?'

'What you want?'

'Oh,' Rei was silent, then replied, 'I was wondering whether you could help me with something.'

'What is it?'

'Ummm…I need help making one of those shelving units,' she explained and Mayuri stared.

'Why do you need one of those?' Mayuri asked sceptically.

'To put things on,' she replied flatly as if this was pretty obvious. She was beginning to regret asking Mayuri for help so that he would stay for a little longer.

'And you need my help,' Mayuri wondered out loud, not really the sort of man for D.I.Y or any sort of manual labour.

Rei sighed frustrated, 'Look, if a woman asks you to help her with something, you say yes! Because you'll end up getting rewarded with a drink and I nice conversation that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Do you understand?'

'Yes ma'am,' Mayuri replied automatically.

'Ok. Now I'm going to ask one more time. Will you help me make my shelving unit?'

'Yes,' Mayuri answered quickly.

'Good.'

--

Mayuri frowned.

He wondered if he was doing this right.

The thing had turned crispy and black and guessed not.

Someone whacked Mayuri with a wooden spoon.

'No,no,no! You're doing this all wrong!' Ikkaku shouted. He threw the burnt pie behind him and brought out a fresh tin. 'Start again!' he ordered and Mayuri obeyed unwillingly.

Apparently according to Nemu, Mayuri had to make his own dish as this would impress the guests. Mayuri did not see the point, but when Nemu said that Rei would like it Mayuri agreed immediately.

Now he was regretting this choice slightly. Ikkaku was a slave driver and had made him make three pies already. All failures.

Mayuri was not a cook. He was a scientist. Ikkaku said this was the same thing but Mayuri didn't agree.

Nemu came up to him and wrinkles formed on her small nose. Mayuri was about to think this was cute, but then shuddered and turned back to his pie.

'He burnt three pies, three pies! How does someone burn three pies!' Ikkaku raved madly swinging the spoon as if it were his zanpaktou. Nemu deftly dodged and turned to her master.

'Mayuri-sama, the technicians report that the scroll has gone missing,' she said, her face showing no emotion. Mayuri grumbled something under his breath and mixed something in a large bowl, his sleeves turned up and his face twisted in concentration as he manically stirred the spoon in the bowl.

'Mayuri-sama-,'

'I heard,' Mayuri said shortly. He waved her away without saying anything. The truth was he had taken it and hidden it and the bottom of his cupboard. The reason? A few nights ago the scroll had crossed out the last task which had, inevitably, been to fall in love. He didn't want anyone to know.

Ikkaku made a satisfied grunt and whisked the pie away. Mayuri wondered why he was even being taught by Ikkaku. When did he become a cook?

Mayuri checked the clock, and having washed his hands he hurried to his room where he thought he'd freshen up. He looked in the mirror and stopped. What exactly could he freshen up? The answer was nothing. Mayuri didn't have any other clothes beside his shinigami uniform, he hadn't really needed any.

He sighed and flopped onto his bed.

Knowing his luck this was going to turn out badly and he prayed that it wouldn't. There was less than an hour to go and Mayuri started to pace around the room, he was thinking so hard, that he occasionally walked into things. He had just recovered from walking into a door when Nemu entered and gave him a blank stare. Mayuri was used to this. That face could be ready to break the worst tragedy or the greatest joy and you wouldn't be able tell.

'I was thinking that we would go to a restaurant then return to the dining room for dessert,' she said.

'That sounds good.' Nemu was silent and Mayuri looked at her impatiently.

'Mayuri-sama, I was wondering where you had gone that day. I was cleaning the room and you disappeared,' she said.

'Yeah, that was the day I went to ask Rei whether she wanted to come to dinner with me, I mean us, and I ended up making a shelving unit for her. I never realised but she can be quite demanding,' Mayuri said.

'Maybe she is a dominatrix,' Nemu said and Mayuri wished he had ignored that. Nemu really wasn't innocent at all.

'Or maybe it was passed down through genes from her parents,' Nemu supplied after taking a look at Mayuri's face.

At the mention of her parents Mayuri frowned, and he was suddenly reminded of something. He suddenly ran out of the room leaving Nemu alone. If she was shocked she didn't show it but she did widen her eyes by a fraction of an inch. This was probably the closest to showing emotion she could manage.

Mayuri was on a mission. Many years ago the remains of the cremated dead from Rukongai were brought in for research. Mayuri hadn't really asked anyone, but then again he usually didn't. normally he would have bragged about it but now he knew better and kept it to himself and he wondered if Rei's parents had been among these.

He entered the main lab and entered her full name into the computer database. Two records were found. He pulled up the files and scanned the summaries.

Mayuri gasped. He could only manage to say one thing.

'Oh dear.'

--

Mayuri walked up and down nervously. They would be arriving any minute now. He didn't have to tell her what he'd found. It would be better, right? Mayuri hit his head against the wall and Nemu patted his arm after all he had shown her as well.

'First we can have dinner then you can tell her,' Nemu said, not wanting this to come between their dinner with Hisagi.

There was a knock on the door and Mayuri could hear two different voices outside.

Nemu opened the door to reveal Hisagi and Rei, both looking in good spirits.

'There is a change of plans,' Nemu began, 'We are going to Rukongai where there is a new restaurant and then we will return for dessert that Mayuri-sama made,' Nemu said with a tiny hint of pride. Hisagi frowned.

'I didn't know you could cook, Mayuri taichou,' he said.

'Nor did I,' Mayuri replied and led them outside.

The restaurant was new and there was a large crowd waiting for the doors to open. Once inside Mayuri began to notice a few things. One that Hisagi and Rei got along very well and another was that Nemu was actually talking and was actually enjoying this. She certainly didn't get that from him.

Mayuri was more bothered about the first conclusion though. He really wanted to tell Hisagi to go away and then he could be all alone with Rei but then he remembered what he did to her parents and thought better of the idea.

'So I hear you and Nemu have been spending all your time together,' Mayuri said stiffly. Hisagi must have sensed this because he looked up from his plate.

'Didn't Nemu tell you what we were doing?'

'I could guess for myself,' Mayuri said, thinking the very worst.

'We joined a knitting club,' Nemu said.

Mayuri was still.

'You mean he isn't your boyfriend?'

'No,' Nemu said her blank face making Mayuri less than sure.

'You're sure?'

'Yes, Mayuri-sama.'

Hisagi looked at him, 'We have a puppet show coming up and we needed to make all the puppets that's why we there so late.'

Of course, Mayuri thought, obviously they were making puppets together. Mayuri frowned, this was the least likely story he had ever heard but he felt greatly relieved that Nemu seemed to have no interests romantically in Hisagi.

After the starters had come and gone. A familiar figure showed themselves.

'Hey, I heard you were having a dinner and I want in!' Yachiru piped up, crawling from under the table. Mayuri stared. This was not what he expected. This was in fact totally random. Mayuri detested little children like they were the plague and Yachiru fell nicely into this category.

'What are you doing here you little pest!' Mayuri caught Rei's face and forced a smile, 'I mean…uh…lovely child.'

Yachiru grinned at him, 'I just wanted some food.'

Rei, being a teacher to young children instantly made friends with the small lieutenant and soon they were making jokes. They were whispering to each other and occasionally Yachiru pointed at him. He really wanted to know what they were talking about.

Then he heard Rei laugh and he dropped his chopsticks because he was pretty sure that was nicest laugh he had ever heard. Normally he heard his own laugh which had been perfected over many years to sound like an evil scientist should do. While he liked his laugh he didn't think it could be described as nice.

He bent down and stuck his head under the table cloth to find his chopsticks and spotted them near Rei's feet. He was just about to grab them when Yachiru popped her head under the table. Mayuri let out a strangled gasp and jerked backwards whacking his head on the table. He swore and stared daggers at her. She stuck her tongue out and whispered,

'You were trying to cop a feel weren't you? Ewwww, I never knew you were such a perv, Mayuri!'

'Good heavens, get your head out of the gutter, I was just getting my chopsticks,' Mayuri muttered as to not alert to anyone that he was spending an alarmingly long time under the tablecloth.

'Sure , sure,' Yachiru replied, 'I bet you wish she was tooti frooti ice cream so you could just lick her all up.'

Mayuri stared at her, she was worse than Nemu. He definitely did not want to eat Rei. Mostly. Maybe. At least.

He heard his name being called and he returned to the others.

'What's wrong?' Rei asked but Mayuri could only see tooti frooti ice cream and it took him a few moment to re-gather his thoughts.

'Oh er, I was just trying to get my chopsticks they fell on the floor,' Mayuri explained. Yachiru sitting between Hisagi and Rei, gave him a knowing smile and saw her golden opportunity.

She caught sight of a waiter carrying some drinks and tripped him up. He fell onto Rei. The first thing Mayuri thought was wetness. Then he saw Rei's shocked face and wanted to smash the waiter's face in. He bowed and apologised profusely but Rei told him it was ok and sent him away. Mayuri thought Rei was noble in that way and smiled at her in a day-dreamer way. Mayuri was also noticing how Rei was no wearing wet clothes and how these wet clothes did certain things in Mayuri's eyes. Hisagi gave her his cloak.

'You thinking about telling her to lose the wet clothes before she catches a cold?' Yachiru whispered in his ear and Mayuri yet out a yelp of surprise. Everyone looked at him.

'Errr, yeah, why are you all looking at me?' he asked in an indifferent tone.

'Umm, didn't you just yelp?' Hisagi said.

'I don't yelp,' Mayuri said flatly, 'That is not a manly sound.'

--

Not long after the incident in the restaurant, the party left and headed back to the twelfth squad headquarters. They entered the dining room which had been made 'romantic' by the combines efforts of Yumichika and Ikkaku. Even Zaraki contributed something.

Ikkaku brought in the pie and he didn't have the heart to tell Mayuri that his had exploded and he had gotten Zaraki to cook another one. That man was something of a dessert demon.

Mayuri stared at Yachiru in a futile attempt to make her leave. She only ended up sitting on Rei's lap with an extremely smug smile. She knocked Mayuri's spoon on the floor and he was about to shout at her when he saw Rei looking at him expectantly.

'Don't worry about it,' he told her gruffly and bent down. Yachiru beat him to it and she held the spoon teasingly in front of him.

'I bet you want to sit in her lap,' she said gleefully. Mayuri sighed and looked at the child balefully.

'I've had it with your games, I know you made that guy spill those drinks on her, what the hell are you up to?'

'I just wanted to see your reaction, did you see the way you were ogling at her when her clothes were all wet,' she said.

' I do not ogle,' he said quickly.

'Yes you do, your eyes glaze over, if you stayed like that any longer you would have drooled,' Yachiru said knowingly.

'How would you know?' Mayuri scoffed scornfully.

'Same thing happened to Ken-chan, and I want to help you, really' Yachiru replied sadly. Mayuri was silent and he heard someone clearing their throat above them.

'Are you ready?' Ikkaku asked, just about to cut open the pie.

Mayuri looked at him, still thinking about Zaraki. He nodded and Ikkaku brought down the knife. It hit the table.

Yachiru held the pie in her hands and grinned maliciously. Mayuri paled, he think he knew where this was going.

Yachiru hurled the pie at him.

There was a loud splatting sound as the pie collided with Mayuri's face which he had to admit tasted quite good. This was not the point though. He heard Yachiru's laugh and saw red.

He chased her. She was screaming and he was yelling about how good his pie was.

He was catching up when he said quietly, 'Rei could have eaten that!'

'She still can, if she wants, I bet you want her to eat it off you, sicko,' she whispered and hid behind her.

Mayuri slowed, that was a daring thought. Rei looked with him, just about holding back the laugh. A piece of pastry fell onto the floor from Mayuri's face.

The door opened and Zaraki came in. He watched Mayuri chasing Yachiru. He stuck out a leg and Mayuri went flying.

'Why are you chasing Yachiru?' he asked slowly.

'Haven't you heard of knocking?' Mayuri shot back, picking himself up off the floor. He tried to clear the hair out his face and was annoyed to find it sticky with pie.

'Actually, I don't knock on doors, I tend to break them when I do,' Zaraki replied.

'She threw a pie at me,' Mayuri said angrily.

'Little children do that a lot, you didn't have to chase her.' Mayuri stared, was he really hearing this from Zaraki who look liked he was about to beat something up.

Mayuri frowned, what would Rei think of him if he didn't stand up for himself. She might think he wasn't manly. Mayuri did not want this.

'She threw a pie at me, I think I'm entitled to chase her. I didn't deserve it.'

'Of course you did. Mayuri, you're a twit, you should be sorry.' This was Zaraki's logic: Yachiru is never wrong and the people she annoys deserve it.

'I haven't done anything wrong,' Mayuri muttered.

'What about Kira?'

Mayuri groaned, just thinking about that person gave Mayuri a migraine. Kira was a, how to put it lightly, a special boy. Mayuri had to admit it was his fault that the boy cut off his own ear and he never did get round to teaching him about genders.

'I admit to that one, but that's totally unrelated,' he protested but Zaraki would have none of it and decked him in the face.

All in all Mayuri had to admit this was not his day.

-

It was later that night when Mayuri was walking home that he felt his mood lifted. Hisagi had left with Nemu, which Mayuri wasn't entirely happy about. But what did it matter when he was alone with the person he loved?

They were some distance from her room when a two hooded men jumped out from the bushes, while these men seemed rather familiar in height and build it was too dark to tell who they really were.

They grabbed Rei who was caught off guard. Mayuri, whose eye nearly swollen shut from Zaraki, drew his zanpaktou and watched in dismay as they flitted away with Rei in their arms.

He caught sight of something that could help him.

'Don't worry, Rei, I'll save you!' he shouted and jumped onto a horse. He was motionless for a moment and realised that he didn't actually know how to ride a horse or anything at all about the four legged creatures.

'You have kick it in the side,' Someone hissed from the bushes. Mayuri did so and the horse shot forward. He gave a cry of shock and tried to hold on to the reigns.

Some people are natural born riders. Mayuri was not one of these people.

He was going so fast that he caught up with the hooded men and Mayuri had the vague feeling that he could make this turn out really heroic. Rei looked at him scared and he had the overwhelming feeling to save her and take her away from this madness.

A branch smashed into Mayuri's face. He howled in pain but the horse didn't seem to notice it's rider's distress.

Mayuri wondered why he hadn't used shunpo but then, once again, he caught up with the attackers. He drew his sword and smacked one in the head. He fell over causing his accomplice to topple over too. Somehow in the ensuing confusion Mayuri managed to grab Rei by the neck and haul her onto the horse.

'Wow Mayuri, I didn't know you could ride a horse!' she said.

'Yeah,' Mayuri said and to demonstrate this he flicked the reigns which made the horse fling Mayuri bodily into a large pond.

Rei managed to make the horse stop and she made her way to the edge of the pond where Mayuri was sitting.

Mayuri was thinking he probably had the rottenest luck ever. No one gets thrown pie at, hit in the face and hurled into a pond on the same day. He voiced his opinion to Rei.

'This is just a bad day,' she said, 'I sure you'll have better ones.'

She sat beside him and Mayuri was made acutely aware of what the situation was. He was soaking wet with an attractive lady sitting beside him with moon as the only light. The odds seemed in his favour.

'Uh, Rei, I uh, have something to tell you,' Mayuri said fumbling with his words. She looked at him questioningly and Mayuri felt his hear thump a little faster.

'What is it?'

'I uh,I well,….

….I turned your parents into tea-cups.'

There was silence. An owl hooted in the distance.

'Come again?' Rei asked, wondering if she had heard right.

'I turned your parents into tea-cups,' Mayuri repeated in shame.

'Uh, you're going to have to explain that one,' she said shifting away from him.

'Ummm, well some years ago I needed certain…materials…for an experiment about restructuring atoms and well I acquired some cremated ashes. And umm, I managed to successfully change the atom structures and I-.'

'Are you telling me you restructured the atoms in my parents' into tea-cups?' Rei said flatly.

Mayuri sighed, 'Yes.'

There was another silence. 'If it's any consolation, they were a really pretty set of tea-cups,' he added weakly.

The quiet unnerved Mayuri but then suddenly it was broken.

Rei burst out laughing and Mayuri sat there mortified. Oh my gosh, he thought, I've made her crazy. Why didn't I keep my mouth shut?

'Why is it funny?'

'You turned my parents into tea-cups, they were only ashes, I think I was too young to remember them and it's just that most guys wouldn't tell the person that they'd done it. I like that about you. You're honest.'

Mayuri was silent. He had been praised. By Rei. This was a momentous occasion.

'You forgive me?'

'For turning my parents into tea-cups. I guess so.'

'You forgive me?,' Mayuri asked again, still surprised.

'Yes.'

'Could you say that again, please?' he asked not used to hearing this. Though both of them didn't realise, they had suddenly moved closer again. Closer than before. Without noticing Mayuri was still moving forward.

Rei smiled at him.

'I forgive you.'

They were inches apart. This could have meant something else was going to happen but Mayuri didn't care, because if she had forgiven him then nothing else really mattered at all.

* * *

**WOOOOP!...OVER FINALLY!**

**Sorry this chapter, well the later half anyway, was a bit rushed because I wanted to get it out before going bed.**

**Even though I have exams I'm happy because I am going on holiday to Las Vegas after them. Yay! I am not sure what there is to do there 'cept gamble which I can't do because I am too young but hey, it'll still be fun. YAY holiday.**

**Byakuya does not get the heebie jeebies…he's too good for that...and he is very used to people confessing his love to him...Renji did once...but they never talk about that...**

**Rose helped me with a few ideas for the chapter so….thank you WOOOOOSE! And thank you for reminding me that I hadn't written the fourth task yet, completely forgot about it. **

**Anyways…OMG…Mayuri…turning them into tea-cups…there will be more on that later…Rei gets to see them later…Mayuri will never learn how to ride a horse...it's not a Mayuri thing**

**Oh yeah..more importantly…gah my Mayuri has all grown up and now loves someone…awww….all he wanted was forgiveness….**

**The real Mayuri doesn't deserve forgiveness because he is a twit…but I still like him…**

**Exams! GAH!...death on paper…still have lots left….**

**Next chap, I will have Momo and Toshiro, Zaraki and Unohana stuff…because I need to finish them off...then more Mayuri mush...I love that stuff**

**Mayuri is definitely not a gay….and he was definitely not coming on to Shunsui. That's just wrong.**

**Till the next chapter! Which is probably now a long way away.**

**Hope you had fun reading! YAY! Mayuri had fun reading, he likes to read about himself...he's a little vain like that.**


	55. Penultimate Affair Part 1

**Finally, the second to last chapter…..the reason this took extra long to come out was because I was on vacation in Vegas….it's one of the nicest places I've been to, but more on that later….I also went to LA, San Diego, Utah and Arizona….gosh…so much America…but moving on…**

**I haven't written in so long I think I forgot how….**

**This chapter is gonna be long so I think I might do it in two parts or something…might be easier on you guys…I don't want your eyes to go square or anything….that would be badness…**

**Ok, I have lots to talk about….not really but this chapter is just rounding stuff off…and there will definitely be some sort of Mayuri-in-bed-with-that-teacher-who's-name-I-can't-remember-scene…..in this part or the next depending….I feel bad making Mayuri go off with some nameless teacher….he's my Mayuri…not the nameless teacher's…mine I tell you…oh well…**

**Also when I turned on my comp for the first time in like two weeks I noticed that all the alerty and fav things went down and I felt bad but what did I expect…its not like I had written or anything…gah so now I have to earn them back….if not for me do it for Mayuri….he would be grateful.**

**This chap finishes off the not so finished stories of Momo, Toshiro, Zaraki and Unohana….mostly…**

**Also for my final chap…I drew a picture…not a Paint one…of Mayuri…I was gonna put it up when this story finally ended…I'm a bit pants at drawing but it's ok…Rose says it's ok and she is like the God of all things arty…so yeah…the last chapter…so sad…**

* * *

Chapter 54

Mayuri sighed. It was that time of the month again.

He glanced at his calendar, eyeing the small red dot on today's day. There was one of those dots for every month.

To him, all this was rather troublesome, but like clockwork the time came. He plopped into his chair and slowly opened the bottom drawer of his desk. He took out a small box and from it he removed a small object that appeared to be covered in candy wrapping.

He was about to open the covering when a though occurred. Mayuri, not wanting to be disturbed, got up out of his chair and quickly locked the door.

Returning to his seat he ripped open the first of many wrappers.

--

Momo sat serenely at the foot of her table, her hand carefully writing out difficult kanji. Recently Momo had run out of pills from the real world, her pupils were back to their normal size and with it her depression returned much to the annoyance of Toshiro who had finally thought he had a chance at nabbing the non-depressed version of his beloved Momo. This was not to be and Toshiro found himself spending less and less time with his friend.

The reason for this was Momo's new found hobby. In her depression Momo had turned to poetry. Very angsty poetry which were all about the last person Toshiro wanted to hear about. It was of course Aizen Sosuke.

Even now, Toshio knew, Momo would be sitting at her table composing some trash about why Aizen had left her. He tapped his foot in annoyance outside her door. He should really knock but he couldn't gather up the courage.

What was he supposed to tell her? What were they even meant to talk about? To be honest the only thing Toshiro thought he had in common with Momo was that they had both been stabbed by Aizen and that wasn't exactly coffee-table talk.

The thing that agonized Toshiro the most was his inability to snap Momo out of her depression. He was meant to be her best friend. Probably a lot more but all he had seemed to do was drive her to writing trashy poems about the man he hated most.

He stared moodily at the door. Toshiro more than anything else wanted to know how to be the man that saved Momo from the hell that was her life.

Matsumoto frowned as she peered around the corner of the corridor. Her captain was just standing there, before he had no problem knocking on Momo's door and Matsumoto wondered what had changed.

Matsumoto being Matsumoto didn't dally when it came to matters of the heart, especially her taichou's.

She waltzed up to Toshiro and slapped her hands on his shoulders from behind.

Hitsugaya nearly screamed. He clutched his heart and turned to look at his assailant.

'Oh my God! Matsumoto, what do you think you're doing, you nearly gave me a heart attack!'

'Don't worry, you're too young to have a heart attack,' Matsumoto assured.

'Yes, but with you as my lieutenant, I've aged faster than I thought possible,' he muttered, 'My hair will probably start going white soon.'

Matsumoto was quiet for a moment, 'Uh, taichou, your hair is already white.'

Toshiro frowned, 'I know that.'

'But you just said-,'

'Look I know what I said! It was just a figure of speech,' Toshiro snapped, wishing that he hadn't spoken at all. Matsumoto tapped her chin thoughtfully.

'Well it wasn't a very good one, I mean if you're going to say something-,'

'Matsumoto!' his lieutenant was instantly quiet, 'Can we just move on please?'

Matsumoto always made her captain angry, it was one of the fundamental rules of the world. Life would end if Matsumoto didn't make her captain angry at least once a day. But all things said, this was a lot different. Toshiro seemed genuinely at loss. Matsumoto was slightly worried. Only slightly though.

'What's wrong?' she asked in a motherly tone. Toshiro grunted and bore holes into Momo's door with his gaze.

His lieutenant nudging him, moved so that her face was right next to his, 'Taichou, if you're not going to talk to me then maybe you want to talk to Momo,' and saying this she raised her hand as if to knock. Toshiro's eyes widened.

He grabbed her hand. 'Fine! I'll tell you just don't knock on the door,' he said quickly.

Matsumoto turned to him, raising an eyebrow expectantly.

'The truth is,' he began looking a little lost, 'uh, that I don't really know.'

She frowned, 'Don't know what.'

'I don't know what's wrong, too many things that just add up to a big nothing' he said quietly.

For some reason Matsumoto felt very touched.

'Okay then,' she said brightly. Toshiro looked at her.

'You mean you don't mind that answer?'

'Not at all, but there is one thing.'

Toshiro sighed, there was always 'one thing' when it came to his lieutenant.

'What?' he sighed.

'You can let go of my hand if you want,' Matsumoto said winking at him. Hitsugaya looked down and to his astonishment and embarrassment he was still holding his lieutenant's hand. He chucked it back at her.

'Umm, yeah, you can have it back,' he replied sheepishly going red in the face.

Then Matsumoto knocked on the door. Hitsugaya looked at her in alarm.

'What was that for?' he hissed through gritted teeth.

'It's time you figured out what's wrong,' Matsumoto explained and skipped away when she heard footsteps.

Momo opened the door a crack. It took time but her eyes slowly focused on Toshiro's troubled face.

'Shiro-chan?' she mumbled.

'Uh, yeah, I came to see you….' Toshiro ran out of steam.

'Oh,' was all Momo had as a reply.

From behind her corner Matsumoto flicked a rubber band at Toshiro's face. It flew true to its aim and slapped Toshiro on the cheek. He made a strangled cat sound and grabbed his cheek.

Momo seemed to wake up at this. 'Shiro-chan what's the matter? Why did you grab your face?'

'Someone attacked me with a rubber band,' Toshiro said livid.

'Oh my! Who would do such a thing?' Momo asked looking around but seeing nothing.

Toshiro didn't answer but made a bold step.

'Momo, do you mind if I come in?' Momo looked as if she was thinking about it then smiled.

'Of course Shiro-chan.'

'It's Hitsugaya taichou,' he muttered. He hadn't said that in a long time.

For some reason it made him happy to speak those words.

--

Matsumoto watched with content as she saw Toshiro enter Momo's room. Ah young love, she thought.

The thing that really stuck in her mind was Toshiro holding her hand. She noticed for the first time how small his hands really were. Boy hands.

Matsumoto to her horror found herself thinking that she wouldn't mind having someone look at her like that. To hold her hand and give her a look that was totally trusting as if expecting her to make things right. It gave her responsibility.

Matsumoto slapped herself. If looking at her own captain made her feel broody, well then, there were going to be problems. She was not mother material. She lived for herself and herself only and sometimes Gin when he was around but that wasn't often.

Sighing deeply, Matsumoto thought it was high time she had a drink.

--

Zaraki was prepared.

He was a man on a mission.

Not a very manly mission but a mission nonetheless.

He stopped. He had arrived.

At the fourth squad barracks.

He had been there quite a few times and had been spending a considerable amount of time with the captain of this certain squad.

Zaraki marched up to front desk. The shinigami manning the station looked up in surprise. He was new. Everyone else was used to Zaraki by now.

'Oi you,' Zaraki grunted gruffly, 'Where's Unohana?'

Oh my gosh, the man thought, he's going to attack Unohana. What do I do? I must protect my captain no matter what the cost.'

Zaraki cracked his knuckles. This wasn't meant to be a threatening gesture but the new guy didn't understand this.

'Uh, she's in her garden,' the man squeaked. Zaraki bent down to his level.

'I didn't hear you,' he said. The secretary was close to tears in fear.

Luckily Unohana's lieutenant was passing through. She tapped Zaraki on the arm on the account of being too short to reach his shoulder.

'Zaraki-taichou, if you'd like to follow me, I'll take you to our captain.'

Zaraki turned away from the newbie and trudged along after the lieutenant.

The secretary whimpered. Maybe this was why he had been assigned here. He had actually wanted to be part of the second squad because according to his older brother they were supervised by the manliest captain ever. He had never met this person since he was turned down straight away but still it became something of a dream to meet this ultra manly captain.

Too bad he didn't realise it was just Soi Fon.

--

Zaraki was getting good at this.

He was getting so good, in fact, that Yachiru trusted him to go alone.

Meeting with Unohana had become a daily routine for Zaraki now.

Not that these visits consisted of anything. Zaraki wasn't much of conversation starter. He was the type of man who growled at small animals. He did not discuss botany which happened to be one of Unohana's specialities.

A typical meeting would go something like this: Zaraki would arrive, say a gruff hello and spend the next two hours listening to Unohana talk about the flowers in her prize garden.

It was in this prize garden that he was going to meet her today.

About half way through their one sided discussion, the new secretary appeared carrying a clipboard.

He was surprised to see the two captains so close. The secretary still believed that Zaraki was out to kill his captain and called out to her.

'My, Unohana-taichou! Are you ok?'

Zaraki stood abruptly and marched over to the man, oozing manliness as he did so.

Zaraki as it happened had no concept of the comma.

'Did you just say, 'My Unohana?' because she is not _your_ Unohana. She is _my_ Unohana. Mine I tell you!'

The man squeaked. 'It was just a figure of speech.'

Unohana walked over, 'I would like to belong to myself thank you very much, but right now there are bigger problems.'

Zaraki sniffed, 'Is something burning?'

'My garden,' Unohana said emotionlessly. Zaraki looked around. The once colourful garden was now black. It had been, essentially, turned to ash.

'Who did this!' Zaraki shouted angrily, 'I'll kill them!'

'You and your manly presence did,' Unohana said.

Not wanting to break his promise he took his sword and stabbed himself. He fell to the ground.

Unohana poked him with a toe, he didn't move.

'Oh dear, why did you do that, you silly goose?'

--

Toshiro stood awkwardly, wondering what to say.

'Would you like some tea?' Momo asked.

'Uh, yes, sure,' he replied, turning to Momo's desk.

Momo set down a teapot, accidently causing some papers to flutter down onto the floor.

Toshiro, ever the gentleman, bent down to pick them up. He scanned the first line, a word caught his attention.

'Er, Momo, what is this?'

Momo looked at the piece of paper and blushed, 'It's one of the poems I wrote after my medication ran out.'

'Dear God,' Toshiro muttered as he read the prose.

'_Ode to Aizen_

_Aizen oh Aizen,_

_As you drift into the horizon,_

_I sit and stare_

_My heart laid bare_

_For you, my love, I shall wait_

_Come eat my feelings from this plate_

_Of sorrow for your loss_

_At you I could never be cross_

_So I will cry and hope _

_In this corner I'll forever mope_

_Because you are gone_

_Aizen taichou, so long.'_

'O-ode to Aizen?' Toshiro sputtered. What was going on? Toshiro was worried.

'Yes,' Momo replied slowly, 'I find it helps to write about my feelings.'

'But you can't really feel this, can you?' Toshiro asked.

'Why not?' Momo said with a hint of anger in her voice.

'Umm, Aizen is scum, he betrayed the soul society and even worse, you,' he explained helpfully.

'He is not scum, he is the most wonderful person ever, he would never do anything to hurt me.'

'Momo, he stabbed you!'

'That was for my own protection.'

Toshiro sighed, this was going nowhere. He flipped the paper over not wanting to see the truth about Momo's feelings.

His eyes widened. 'What's this?'

Momo peered at the faint pencil lines. 'Oh, that's just something I was working on earlier.'

_Aizen Sonnet_

_Aizen oh Aizen_

_Call me with Verizon_

_The rates are cheap_

_Don't be a trash heap_

_To hear your call_

_I would smash my head against a wall_

_Taichou, I miss you_

_Maybe a text would do._

'Momo, I'm really sorry but we don't have Verizon network coverage,' Toshiro ignored the thoughts in his head, which were mainly telling him to drop dead. If Momo was writing this trash about a man who didn't care for her how did he have a chance?

Momo's face fell, 'We don't? But I thought we did…I even bought a cell phone from the real world.'

Toshiro deadpanned.

--

After the tea was finished, Momo cleared the teapot away. She opened her wardrobe and struggled to place a tray on one of the higher shelves. Toshiro offered to help not realising he wasn't exactly the most ideal person for the job.

Even on his tiptoes, he couldn't quite reach.

'Aizen is tall,' Momo casually remarked.

Toshiro swore, it seemed like Aizen beat him in everything, in a desperate attempt he jumped and grabbed the shelf. Gradually he felt he weight of the wardrobe tipping towards him.

'Momo! Watch out it's going to fall!'

Unknown to him, Momo was already on the other side of the room. It was too late to move himself.

With a large crash the wardrobe toppled to the floor with Toshiro underneath it.

It was then that the wardrobe started to speak Russian. Toshiro was unsure about how he understood but it seemed to say the following:

'Hey little boy, do you want vodka? You looked stressed, you may be young but vodka is a family drink. It will make you feel tons better. It is a manly drink. Oh look, little boy, you are very lucky, there is lots of vodka on the floor.'

'Oh my, Shiro-chan, you're bleeding!' Momo squealed.

'Wardrobe-san, that isn't vodka I think it's blood. My blood,' Toshiro said woozily.

The wardrobe chuckled, 'Little boy, to Russians all liquid is vodka of some sort and therefore drinkable. Now let me see you drink some vodka. It's just flavoured….with red.'

At this moment Momo thought it prudent to get some professional help. Toshiro talking to a wardrobe was one thing but now he seemed to be licking blood off his hand. Something was wrong.

Toshiro found that the vodka didn't help and he stood up shakily.

The dust settled, Toshiro turned to survey the damage. Then he saw it.

Toshiro Hitsugaya screamed.

Behind the wardrobe was the largest poster he had ever seen. Printed on the poster was a huge image of Aizen and at the foot of it were some candles and incense.

Momo returned with Matsumoto.

Toshiro was clutching his head, not thinking straight. 'Momo, I can't believe you put burning incense behind something wooden, it could have set on fire.'

'It would have been the burning passion of mine and Aizen taichou's love.'

'No it would just be the wardrobe on fire,'

'With our love.'

'No, just with that tea set I gave you.'

'Oh.'

Matsumoto frowned when she saw the colossal poster of Aizen. Someone had issues. She saw the blood on floor and her captain and hurried to him worriedly.

'Taichou, are you ok?'

'Oh hi, do you want some vodka?' Toshiro asked, not feeling right.

'Normally I'd say yes, but now I think I need to get you to Unohana.'

Toshiro waved her hand away, 'Wait, one more thing,' he turned to Momo, 'that poster, no wait, that monstrosity, what is it doing there?' he yelled while pointing at the aforementioned picture.

'It's my secret Aizen shrine, isn't he manly?' she swooned.

Toshiro felt that this was the time to pass out.

--

There was a knock at the door.

Mayuri sighed and wearily got out of his chair.

He opened the door to find Shunsui grinning at him.

'Hey, Mayuri, up for some drinking, I have some vodka.'

'No, go away,' Mayuri replied slamming the door in his face.

Shunsui let himself in again. 'Aww come on, don't be like that.'

Then he caught sight of Mayuri's desk. His eyes widened.

'What on earth are you doing?'

Mayuri slumped into his chair, 'It's that time of the month again.'

Shunsui paled. What sort of twisted person was sitting before him?

'Umm, how do you mean?'

--

Toshiro opened his eyes lazily. He looked around slowly and his eyes settled on a small cabinet. He was half expecting it to talk to him in a European accent.

Matsumoto peered at him anxiously. After he had passed out, she carried Toshiro to the fourth squad barracks, Momo had decided to stay in her room and clean up the mess. Matsumoto had the sinking suspicion that Momo just wanted to stare at that poster for a little while longer.

Toshiro coughed and took a hold of Matsumoto's hand.

'There's something I need to ask you,' he said gruffly, his voice shaking.

'What is it?' Matsumoto asked, for once very serious.

'I need to know…'

'What? Tell me.'

'how to be a…'

'Yes, yes?'

'Manly man.'

Matsumoto sat back and thought about her captain's request. She wondered what she should tell him.

'Well, a man's manliness comes down to one point. The size of his-.'

Toshiro suddenly burst into a coughing fit, effectively blocking out what Matsumoto was saying.

'What were you saying?' Toshiro asked pouring himself a glass of water.

'I was saying that manliness comes from the size of the man's-.'

The water jug slipped from Toshiro's hand and cracked loudly.

'Umm, sorry I didn't catch that,' he said apologetically to Matsumoto.

Matsumoto sighed. This was going to take a very long time.

--

Shunsui was at a loss for words.

'You didn't have to call it that, y'know,' Shunsui said.

'But I thought everyone called they're chocolate sorting day: 'this time of the month',' Mayuri said, 'I keep hearing people say it.'

'Were these people women?' Shunsui asked.

Mayuri tapped his chin, 'Now that I think about it, they were all women who were saying it.'

'Mayuri, they were not talking about sorting their chocolate collection.'

'Oh, what were they talking about?'

Shunsui slapped his forehead.

--

'Exhibit A: Dante from a well known video game has a particularly big sword. Indeed it is nearly as big as he is,' Matsumoto began, using a pointer to tap her blackboard, where there was a picture of Dante and his sword pinned up. Toshiro frowned. He didn't see the point.

'So?' he replied.

'Well, ok then, let's see if you get this one, exhibit B, Gin's sword Shinsou. It grows.'

Toshiro's eyes widened. 'Do you mean what I think you mean?'

'Yes.'

'Oh my God! Are you telling me manliness comes from an extendable-.'

'Quite.'

'Uh, Matsumoto are you sure, Ichigo has a really big sword….does that mean he has a…'

'Not at all, we all know that he has a big sword because it's over compensating for his small-.'

Matsumoto's words were drowned out by a hoot of laughter from the next cubicle. Zaraki pulled back the curtain separating his and Toshiro's beds.

'I like that idea,' he told Matsumoto. ' I knew there was something wrong with that Ichigo kid.'

Toshiro was confused, 'But if Dante has a big sword why isn't he over compensating?'

Matsumoto suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders, shouting ' Because he's _Dante_! We can all tell he's a manly man to the core.'

'Oh, ok.' Toshiro said, wishing he had never asked.

'And finally exhibit C.'

'Which is?' Toshiro asked.

Matsumoto pointed to the bed next to his.

Zaraki pointed to himself, 'Me? Wait yes-of couse- ha ha…look at my big sword!'

He pulled it out from under the sheets and waved it in front of Toshiro.

'Umm Zaraki, why do you keep your sword with you in bed?' Toshiro questioned.

'Uh…..it's my teddy bear,' he whispered. Toshiro didn't want to know anymore and pulled the curtain back into position.

'Thank you for your help Matsumoto,' Toshiro said politely, 'you don't have to stay, uh why don't you go change your clothes?'

Matsumoto looked down and saw that she was covered in blood. His blood. Her captain's.

'Oh, yeah, maybe I will do that,' she said and left the room.

--

Matsumoto returned to the office in the tenth squad barracks. There was a pile of paperwork waiting on her captain's desk.

She found spare robes in cupboard and began to change.

Kira, who had nothing much to do, had decided to stop by the tenth squad barracks to see if Matsumoto wanted to go drinking and by that he meant drink copious amounts of tea.

Unfortunately for him, his timing was bad.

He opened the door to the office.

Matsumoto didn't even have time to react.

Needless to say Kira was a bit surprised.

Matsumoto wasn't that bothered, 'Oh, it's you Kira-kun.'

Kira pointed to Matsumoto well endowed chest and gasped, 'What are those?'

Matsumoto looked at Kira, 'Uh, are you ok?'

Kira's legs started to shake under his hakama, 'I-I-I don't think so,' he replied and promptly fainted.

Matsumoto frowned. This wasn't the reaction she was used to.

--

Toshiro was thankful of Matsumoto's absence. Sometimes he just could make sense of what his lieutenant was telling him. The blackboard with pin ups was still there and Toshiro read the notes dejectedly.

He in no way could compete with them.

Zaraki pushed aside the curtain again. 'Hey you, don't cry, that's the first manly rule.'

'There are manly rules?' Toshiro asked.

'No, I just made that up, rule number two: lie.'

'That doesn't make sense,' Toshiro muttered, 'How do you come across as manly?'

Zaraki thought Toshiro was blind. 'Err have you actually looked at me, I don't look like pink candy floss. You have to look manly, scars and an eye patch. That's what you need.'

'No thanks,' he replied, trying to imagine himself in Zaraki's clothes.

'Fine, but seriously, to be manly you need to have a presence, like a manly aura.'

Toshiro just looked at him.

Zaraki took a flower from a bunch that had been given to him by Unohana. He looked at it.

It wilted, died and turned to ash. Toshiro stared.

'What just happened?'

'That is what you call a manly aura.'

Toshiro picked another flower.

He stared at it long and hard.

'You have to put real feeling into it,' Zaraki grunted.

Toshiro clenched his jaw and gripped the stalk of the flower harder. The petals shifted, Toshiro thought he was nearly there.

He was so close just a little more concentration.

Someone passed wind. It wasn't Zaraki.

'Uh, were you concentrating in the right place?' Zaraki asked. Toshiro threw the flower away, embarrassed.

'This isn't helping,' Toshiro grumbled, 'I need some real help.'

'You obviously don't have what it takes to be an ultra manly man, but you could go to Byakuya, he helped me be even more manly.'

'Really?' Toshiro said, this sounded like a real lead. Byakuya was someone you could have normal conversation with. To be honest Zaraki was a bit too much for him.

'As soon as I get discharged I'll go and see him,' Toshiro told himself.

Zaraki raised an eyebrow, 'Who says you have to wait, just go now, manly men never follow the rules.'

Toshiro quickly jumped out of bed and changed as fast as he could. 'Thank you for your….advice,' he said.

Zaraki watched him leave. That boy, he thought, was trying to grow up too quickly.

Zaraki didn't tell Toshiro the main thing about manliness. It is not obtained but acquired through growing up in general and by the looks of things Toshiro had a long way to go.

--

Shunsui couldn't understand Mayuri. He tried, he really did, but some things about Mayuri were just plain odd.

The fact that he left one day free every month to sort out his chocolates was one of those things.

Shunsui could not think of one other person who did that. He was even more surprised at how much chocolate Mayuri actually possessed. How much could one man eat?

Shunsui picked up one of packets, it was brightly coloured with orange wrapping. Mayuri snatched it out of his hand.

'They are _my_ Reece's Pieces, not yours!'

'Umm Mayuri, don't they have peanuts in them?'

Mayuri smiled, 'Yes they do, but I just eat the chocolate around it and throw the rest away, sometimes if I'm feeling kind I'll give it to Nemu,' he explained.

Shunsui pointed to a large pile of chocolates, 'What are they for then?'

'They are the reject chocolates, the ones that I don't like,' Mayuri said.

'What do you do with them?'

'I throw them away or give them to Nemu.'

Shunsui sighed. Mayuri was a crazy, crazy man. He frowned, now he had to get to business.

He dragged Mayuri into the next room, which served as a small bedroom when Mayuri had to pull all nighters at the office.

'Tonight, it's gonna happen, right?' Shunsui asked.

Mayuri looked at him, 'What is going to happen?'

'The fourth task.'

'Huh, erm…when did we decide that?' Mayuri said his eyes widening.

'I did, this is taking too long and by the looks of things you seem to be getting along fine.'

'But it don't want to do it with you,' Mayuri said, 'I am not one for the men.'

Shunsui blinked, 'I was never asked you to do it with me. I was just saying that you should be with Rei.'

'Ohhh, I don't mind then.'

'Good, but first, I need to know what you look like.'

Mayuri stared 'Why on earth would you want to know what I look like?'

'So you don't scare the poor woman away when you're-.'

Shunsui saw the look on Mayuri's face and stopped talking.

'Ok, just hide some of the scars,' Shunsui said.

'Shouldn't she be with me for who I am, scars included?'

Shunsui lifted his eyebrows, 'That may be so, but I don't think anyone has met you before, this is just a precaution. Otherwise you'll never get this done.'

Mayuri kicked the side of bed, 'I don't even know why I have to do this, it's not like I want children.'

Shunsui froze. 'What did you just say?'

'I mean why do I have to do something so pointless, the whole point of the reproduction thing is to continue the human race, there's no other reason for it, why do I gotta do it?'

'I am going to pretend you never said that,' Shunsui said. Where was this man from? 'Uh Mayuri did you accidently cut your ahem off in some freak experiment?'

Mayuri looked down his pants, 'No.'

'Well then you should want to do blah with this woman! Tis the ultimate act of love!' Shunsui said dancing around the room.

Mayuri picked his nose, bored. Shunsui stopped and gave Mayuri a disapproving glare and grabbing him by the shoulders started to talk seriously.

'Do you love this woman?' Shunsui asked.

'Uh, yeah,' Mayuri said.

'And does she love you?'

'I think so.'

'So then this will have a happy ending. In that bed.'

Mayuri rolled his eyes, 'Fine, but is still don't understand why I have to do it.'

'Because someone obviously thought you deprived of something and anyways if you need a reason to do gah with this woman then listen to this song. This could also be counted as mood music.'

Shunsui brought a radio out of his pink coat and turned it on to Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing song.

Mayuri's jaw dropped, 'People actually do mah for fun?'

Shunsui whacked Mayuri with radio, 'Where have you been for the last hundred years?!'

--

Kira woke up with a confused mind. He recognised the fourth squad barracks surroundings he was in.

Hisagi was snoring in the visitors chair.

'Hisagi, wake up,' Kira whispered.

The lieutenant opened an eye lid slowly.

'What is it?'

'I think there's something wrong with Matsumoto.'

--

'Ok, first you start with a kiss. Now the kiss is a fundamental process in the scheme of things.'

Mayuri put up a hand and Shunsui stopped talking.

'What's the matter?'

'I've already done the kiss part, let's move on.'

Shunsui dropped the sake he was holding.

'What was that?'

Mayuri was calm, 'I've already done the kissing, let's move on.'

'When did you do the kissing!' Shunsui shouted. Mayuri was taken aback.

'Err, I don't want to tell you.'

'You have to tell me now! I demand to know when my Mayuri had his first kiss,' Shunsui said persistently, like a nagging mother.

'On one of our dates,' Mayuri said cooly.

'Oh my God, you've been on dates? Why didn't you tell me?'

'Why do I have to tell you? It was only one kiss, it was very nice and I don't want to explain myself to you!' Mayuri shot back.

Shunsui was nearly in tears. His unruly child was growing up without him. Mayuri was doing all these important life lessons without him. Oh the pain, of not knowing was too much for Shunsui.

'You don't mind kissing?' Shunsui wondered out loud.

'No, there's nothing wrong with that,' Mayuri said as if this was obvious. It was Shunsui's turn at the jaw dropping thing. He couldn't believe he was hearing this from the man who though geh was for making children only.

Something stuck in Shunsui's mind. 'You said you took her on dates, where did you take her?' Shunsui hoped Mayuri wouldn't say to a Frankenstein experiment.

'First we went to places like museums then I took her around the real world.'

There were stars in Shunsui's eyes, 'Oh Mayuri, I've taught you well, how romantic! Did you take her Paris and Belgium? Such wonderful places.'

'Where do you think I got all the chocolate from?' Mayuri muttered.

Shunsui wasn't really listening, he was off in his own little dream world.

'Ahh, Mayuri, you showed her a whole new world, tiny snippits of the real world, just like a magic carpet ride.'

Mayuri frowned, 'You just got that out of that Disney film called Aladdin. It was nothing like that at all, Rei doesn't like flying and my carpet is in the workshop, it needs repairs.'

'Mayuri, you know what Disney is?' Shunsui was shocked.

'Yes, I watched all of them with Nemu, a child who doesn't watch Disney is a deprived child,' Mayuri said knowingly.

'Which was your favourite?'

'Dumbo,' Mayuri replied without thinking. For some reason he felt a connection with the cartoon elephant. Shunsui snorted. Mayuri scowled at him.

'Anyways back to the point,' Shunsui began, 'what sort of underwear do you have on?'

'Uh, today's a Wednesday, so I guess it's the boxers with the Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo print.'

Shunsui blinked, 'Seriously?'

Mayuri sighed, 'I'll check if you want, but I'm pretty sure.'

'Ok, you better change those,' Shunsui advised.

'Why? I don't think it matters what's on them its what's underneath that counts,' Mayuri explained.

Shunsui was nearly in tears, 'Spoken like a true man, Mayuri,' he thought to himself.

'Er, right, but if she sees those, she might think you're weird.' Shunsui said out loud.

'Are you telling me, that you look at me and think I'm not weird. I don't have any ears!' Shunsui thought he had a point. Mayuri was weird anyway. Although, he's probably the only one who'd get away with boxers which have his own Bankai on them.

Shunsui patted him on the shoulder. 'I think you're ready.'

Mayuri frowned, he just wanted Shunsui to leave. He still had a lot of chocolate to sort.

'Just one more thing,' Shunsui said. Mayuri rubbed his eyes with a hand. This was getting out of control.

Shunsui placed Mayuri's mask in front of its owner. Luckily Mayuri hadn't seen.

'Now I want you to take a step forward,' Shunsui said.

'What for?'

'Just do it.'

Mayuri did and there was a crunching sound as Mayuri crushed his mask. He looked at Shunsui.

'I could make ten more of those just as easily as I broke that one,' he said.

'That's not the point, what this means Mayuri, is that you are not going to wear a mask anymore.'

'That's just stupid.'

Shunsui slapped Mayuri.

'What the hell was that for?' Mayuri had just about had enough of this guy.

'Look, listen to me, that mask is a symbol of your old crazy evil life. Now you're better than that. I know you are. Think about all the things you've done, you risked your life by injecting yourself with a disease, you brought back the dead wife of a loving husband. Mayuri, think about the things you've done and tell me that you're ready to thow it all away to become that evil mask wearing twit.'

There was an uncomfortable silence, ' 'Twit' didn't really fit in with that sentence.'

Shunsui was still slightly annoyed. Mayuri looked at him.

'Doesn't matter, I made myself clear,' Shunsui said.

'You didn't have to slap me either.'

'It made it more dramatic though,' Shunsui said a smile creeping onto his face.

A second passed.

Shunsui threw his arms around Mayuri, 'You know I can't stay angry at you, May-kun! You're my friend and I can't bear to hold grudges against them.'

Mayuri squirmed in the man's grip. 'Ok you can let go now, I am the new me, I won't wear a mask again, not even at mardi gras.'

'Awww Mayuri you know how to make me go squishy inside,' Shunsui said, letting go of his new found friend.

'Great, that's exactly what I wanted to hear,' Mayuri muttered sarcastically.

'Looks like things are looking up for you now, eh?' Shunsui said nudging him with his elbow and winking at him.

'What do you mean?'

'Well, Mayuri, you're a nice person now, you've fallen in love, you've nearly completed the tasks and you have some new friends.'

'Sometimes you are a very cheesy man,' Mayuri sighed.

'Well at least you're not doing the deed with Nemu, at one point everyone thought it would go that way. Some people think that she fantasises about you.'

Mayuri looked a little pissed. People were spreading filthy rumours about his precious Nemu.

'Shunsui it's wrong for a lieutenant to fantasize about their own captain. Unless your Renji. He's allowed to.'

'I know what you mean, if I was Byakuya's lieutenant I'd fantasize about him too,' Shunsui said. Mayuri smiled.

'Don't let Nanao hear you say that.'

* * *

**Gah! First part done! Byakuya…such a popular guy…**

**In the next part of the story: Toshiro's quest for manliness, Zaraki rebuilding Unohana's garden only to have it wilt away every time, Kira discovering about women, no Kira dear there isn't something wrong with Matsumoto she just has womanly features, Mayuri getting around to ahem and not to any of Marvin Gaye's songs.**

**After the second part of the penultimate I am going to write a chapter about Mayuri going off with the teacher person around the world because 1) I'm trying put off the last chapter 2) I didn't have enough time to write about it now 3) I'm trying to put off the last chapter….**

**Aizen is ultra manly….he has the power to attract people's mothers…namely my own…**

**The wardrobe…yeah Rose came round my house…we couldn't help it. When she comes to my house and I try and write a chapter we just go onto randomness…Russian people don't view every liquid as vodka…I don't want to offend anyone…**

**The first poem was written by Rose and the second one by me. Even though I spent two weeks in America and saw tons of Verizon adverts…I cant remember how you say it…**

**If it's 'Ver-eye-zon' or 'Ver-ee-zon'**

**One way rhymes the other doesn't.**

**Doesn't matter…just rhyme it with Aizen…**

**I think everyone should watch Disney…there are life lessons to be learnt…I can't think of any but they are there…**

**Well…thank you for putting up with the wait…hopefully, it won't be long till the next…**

**I had a lot more to say…but no one wants to listen to a silly person…I think Mayuri's boxers are cute.**

**Nevada is a nice place…very efficient police….**

**Review time!**


	56. Penultimate Affair Part 2

**GOOD MORNING!**

**Anyways…yeah…there's been a really big break between chapters…about two months…that really has to do mostly with there being too much school work and just not knowin what to write…**

**To the point…final part of the penultimate chapter…if you think I've left anything out or something…gah…please tell me! I don't want to end the story with it still being incomplete…thanks…**

**Things have been bad…very bad…I haven't been doing very well in school...we don't learn about the manly dance of excellency anymore….i don't understand chemistry (thats very un-asian) of me…I have too much school work and we're going into recession…yeesh a girl can't get a break anymore but i am 17 and i did try driving...manual cars...damn...**

**I went to the MCM expo on Saturday….it's a big big anime/manga/film thing in london….twas very fun…I saw an awesome Mayuri there….**

**Back to Bleach…hmm….nothing much to say there…manly people…that's it really…**

**Happy Diwali and new year to whomever it concerns!**

**OK, on with the chapter…**

* * *

Chapter 55

Toshiro or Aizen?

Momo tapped her chin thoughtfully. One very small part of her knew that Aizen wasn't going to come back for her, but these feelings showed no signs of getting stronger. On the other hand she knew that Toshiro would never leave her, no matter what happened between them. He was like that. Even now, when Toshiro knew how much she loved Aizen, he never stopped trying to make her understand how twisted the former captain was.

This struck Momo as significant.

--

Hisagi raised an eyebrow. Kira wasn't making any sense. He himself had seen Matsumoto earlier that morning. She looked fine.

'What do you mean by that?' Hisagi asked. Kira turned pale and started to rock backwards and forwards. Hisagi was slightly unnerved.

'I walked into the tenth squad barracks when Matsumoto was getting changed.'

'You saw her naked?' Hisagi said in surprise, even he hadn't seen this 'privilege'.

The next thing Kira did totally freaked Hisagi out.

Suddenly Kira raised his arms and shouted, 'All I wanted to do was to drink tea with her!'

Hisagi jumped out of his seat in fright and tried to wrestle Kira back into the bed but the other man resisted.

'There were these things on her, so much…….flesh…,' Kira whispered like a possessed man.

Hisagi was wondering whether he should ask for an exorcist.

'Kira, you're not making sense, so you saw Matsumoto naked, then what happened?'

Kira froze, 'Hisagi, why do some people look different from us?'

Hisagi thought he knew where this was going, 'By us, you mean men, don't you?'

Kira nodded and wrapped his arms around his knees.

Before launching into this Hisagi decided to call an expert.

And by expert he meant Shunsui.

--

Byakuya opened his eyes to find the tenth squad captain standing before him.

'Can I help you?'

Toshiro tapped his chin thoughtfully for a moment, 'Uh, I need to ask you something, and I was recommended to see you by Zaraki.'

Byakuya, who knew almost everything, wanted to run away. Why did people think they could ask him questions about the silliest of things?

The reason he knew that Toshiro was going to ask about manliness was because that was the only thing Byakuya had advised Zaraki on.

He was not an expert on manliness. Why did people think he was?

Byakuya didn't suddenly turn manly.

He was born manly.

He didn't ask for it, it just happened. No one seemed to get that.

'How can I be more manly?'

Byakuya wanted to sigh but thought it better to maintain his composure.

'I don't have the answer to that question,' Byakuya replied flatly.

Toshiro's face fell and Byakuya felt a tiny bit sorry for the boy. This had never happened to Byakuya before, it made him feel human. It wasn't a nice feeling.

'Talk to Renji, I'm sure he will be more helpful on the matter,' Byakuya said, trying to make the discomfort go away.

Toshiro got the feeling that this meeting was over. Nodding his head at the other captain he left the office and leant against a wall, eyes shut.

Byakuya went to sleep again, looking manly as he did so.

The minutes passed peacefully.

Toshiro frowned when he felt his arm being poked, he opened an eyelid slowly and was surprised to find what seemed to be a wall of boxes poking him. Alarmed, he took a step away and watched unnerved as the boxes advanced.

The boxes hit his foot and Toshiro thought he heard someone swear.

'Renji, is that you?' Toshiro asked. A box was moved out of the way a Renji poked his head through the hole.

'Oh it's you taichou, I thought there was something in the way, but I couldn't see….' Renji explained.

Toshiro frowned, slightly angry that someone had interrupted his thought processes, 'So you kept pushing without trying to find out why the boxes wouldn't move?'

Renji felt sweat beading at his forehead, today wasn't his day, he'd been told to clean out the stationary cupboard by his captain and upon opening the cupboard door he had been attacked by the staple gun which had been rigged by Yachiru to shoot the person who came through the door. Renji had the feeling that Byakuya had been avoiding the stationary cupboard because of this. And now to top it all off he had appeared to get on Toshiro's nerves as well.

'I'm sorry,' Renji repeated and catching sight of the smaller person's dark face asked: 'Is there something wrong?'

'I need your help,' Toshiro said bluntly.

--

Ikkaku sneezed.

Zaraki itched.

Yachiru drank juice.

The last thing that the eleventh squad had to be worried about was allergies, so when Zaraki had ordered them to rebuild Unohana's garden they didn't give a second thought about taking some Benadryl Allergy Relief tablets that work in less than fifteen minutes.

This would be their downfall.

Those who were manly paid a high price: very bad hay-fever.

Ikkaku wiped his nose on his sleeve causing Yumichika to tut loudly, 'Ikkaku that was rather disgusting, please use a tissue.'

'Don't wanna,' Ikkaku muttered stabbing at the ground with a garden shovel.

Yumichika scowled, 'Don't stab at the ground, you're doing it all wrong!'

Ikkaku glared at his friend, 'Why don't you do it then?'

'I'm too busy pruning this bush,' Yumichika shot back and continued to trim branches, despite being in the eleventh squad one could hardly call him manly and so was unaffected by the high pollen levels. In fact Yumichika had to admit he was quite enjoying himself.

Maybe he would do this more often.

Yachiru pointed in Yumichika's direction, 'Hey, Girly-man, what are you doing with that plant? Are you making a girlfriend for Baldy?'

Zaraki regarded the foliage; it did look rather feminine, maybe it had something to do with its elegant pirouette stance because Zaraki knew all about ballet. Spending time with Unohana had widened his understanding of girly stuff.

Yumichika looked vaguely insulted, 'I'm deeply insulted, that was meant to be _me_!'

'My point exactly,' Yachiru said happily. Ikkaku hit Yumichika on the head.

'Like I need a tree for a girlfriend!' Ikkaku shouted. Yachiru tapped her chin thoughtfully.

'But you don't seem to know any real girls. If you don't know any girls how can you do bleep and bleep and bleep on the table and have ugly bald children and then get a bleeping divorce.' Yachiru explained

Ikkaku blinked, 'I have two things to say; that's not even possible with a tree, and secondly, who the hell taught you that?'

'You did. Now go have bleep with the tree.'

Unohana thought it best to intervene and directed the young lieutenant towards the candy plate.

'That's one interesting child we're raising there,' Yumichika tutted, recovering quickly and fixing the bush's hair.

Ikkaku however was still worried, he turned to Zaraki, 'Taichou, you don't think that err I'm going to go out with a tree?'

'I think,' Zaraki pondered, 'that that tree would look better as a demiplie rather than a pirouette.'

Yumichika patted Ikkaku on the head. 'Don't worry dear-,'

ACHOO!

Yamamoto looked up from his Sudoku. Smoke rose from the fourth barracks courtyard. He rolled his eyes and filled in a seven. Shinigami these days, with their blowing stuff up and Shave me Ken dolls.

The dust settled.

Yachiru coughed out candy wrappers and ash.

Unohana frowned. She was not a happy bunny.

Zaraki blew his nose and looked around at the destruction he had caused. Ikkaku stared, eyes wide open – one sneeze had done all this.

Zaraki shuffled his feet, 'Oopsie daisy.'

Yamamoto heard this and jotted it down. He now had a winner for the understatement of the year category at the Annual Shinigami and Magical Representatives Awards Ceremony.

--

Shunsui was having no luck in trying to persuade Mayuri to take his clothes off.

It had probably something to do with Mayuri's Bankai print boxer shorts.

'Look I thought we had gotten over all this,' Mayuri said avoiding Shunsui's wandering hands.

'Don't say such things May-kun!'

Mayuri whacked Shunsui on the head with the English dub DVD of Ouran High School Host Club. Shunsui rubbed his head.

'Mayuri, you've broken your DVDs,' he said picking up shards of plastic.

'Good for nothing piece of trash,' Mayuri grunted, 'Damn those Funimation geeks, they totally butchered the series.'

Shunsui was silent. Mayuri looked away.

'It's Nemu's. I swear.'

'Don't tell Rei you own those.'

'I won't.'

The awkward silence was interrupted by a hell butterfly.

_Kyoraku taichou!_

_Help!_

_Kira's asking about 'stuff'_

_Bring models_

'Well I'll be damned. Kira's growing up,' Shunsui wondered out loud.

Mayuri wondered what 'bring models' meant.

--

'Blood.'

Toshiro froze. 'Pardon?'

'That's the answer to everything,' Renji repeated. Toshiro thought about this for a moment.

'Not it's not.'

'Yes it is,' Renji quickly replied.

'Okay,' Toshiro said thinking he should move on, 'I was going to ask how to be more manly.'

'Blood,' Renji said without thinking.

'That's not the answer to everything.'

'Yes it is.'

Toshiro was getting annoyed, 'So if someone asked you what you wanted in your tea would you just say blood.'

Renji frowned, 'No, that's just disgusting.' Toshiro slapped his forehead.

'All you need to do is look hurt and put on an angsty expression,' Renji explained. 'Chicks fall for it every time.'

Toshiro was silent for a moment, 'How many girls have you had?'

It was Renji's turn to be silent, 'Umm none, but it did work on a hollow, it came right up to me and everything. I swear it was trying to kiss me.'

Toshiro deadpanned.

'If you don't believe me go ask Ukitake, he knows everything.'

Toshiro liked the sound of that. Jushiro sounded way more credible than Renji.

--

Momo stared at the colossal poster of Aizen.

She was determined, her mind set. Like good jell-o.

With nothing else to do Momo went to Soi Fon for help since she was the only other woman Shinigami who had problems with love. Little did she know, Soi Fon, rather like Renji, had one answer for everything.

'Soi Fon taichou. I need some help.'

Soi Fon looked blankly at the fifth squad lieutenant. 'What do you want I'm busy putting my feathers on.'

Momo, unperturbed, tried again, 'Please, would you like some tea?'

'Fine, I'll have a cup.'

'What would you like with your tea?'

Soi Fon didn't hesitate. 'Yoruichi-sama!'

Momo paused, 'Sorry I'm all out of that.'

'Oh I'll have one sugar then.'

After tea was served Momo asked her question, 'I have a big poster of Aizen on my wall…'

'And? Was that it?'

Momo shook her head, 'I need to know how to get rid of it.'

Soi Fon stared.

Glancing casually around, she pulled a tube from her over coat and handed it to Momo.

'What's this?'

'When you open it you'll understand. Now, if you don't me, I'm late for a bird watching session.'

--

There was a knock at the door.

Hisagi looked up.

Shunsui strolled in a manly way. Mayuri just followed normally carrying a large covered object which he set on the table at the foot of Kira's bed.

Kira looked worried and Shunsui gave a reassuring smile.

'Gonads.'

Kira and Hisagi froze. Mayuri sighed and busied himself with setting up Sam – the human body model he had brought with him.

'That's what we're here to talk about,' Shunsui continued in jovial way.

'Umm okay,' Kira said in a quiet voice.

'Right down to business,' Shunsui said in a serious tone, 'let me introduce you to Sam.'

Mayuri lifted the cloth from the model. Kira looked shocked.

'Oh my God! What have you done to Sam? He's got no arms or legs!' he shouted.

Mayuri frowned, 'And you think that's weird?'

He pulled Sam's head off.

Kira screamed. 'Saaaaaaam!'

'That's not the worst of it,' Mayuri said and cut off his own arm. Kira, having blocked the memory of Mayuri doing this in the classroom from his mind, fainted.

Shunsui cleared his throat, 'Mayuri, honestly what were you trying to prove?'

'Now what are we going to do?' Hisagi asked poking Kira's prone body.

Shunsui poured some water on Kira. He instantly woke up.

'What happened?'

'Gonads.' Mayuri replied quickly.

Kira was silent.

'Moving on, what we're here to tell you is the difference between men and womenfolk.' Shunsui explained before Mayuri had a chance to cut off another limb.

'But you killed Sam,' Kira replied.

'He was never real in the first place.'

'Oh.'

'Right the area of importance is located down there,' Shunsui explained pointing at Sam's lower half, which was presently set to boy mode, unfortunately Mayuri had forgotten to change the top half causing Kira some confusion.

'But Matsumoto didn't look like that, she had the top part though,' he said. Shunsui frowned.

'Mayuri, I think there's something wrong with Sam,' Shunsui whispered. Mayuri looked.

'Oopsie Daisy.' Two minutes later Sam was looking like a respectable male.

'Okay, this is what all men look like.' Shunsui said.

Kira nodded.

'I'll let Mayuri explain the technicalities.'

Mayuri took over and Shunsui handed him a pointer.

'Right from here we can see all the male reproductive parts which are labelled accordingly, if I were you I'd take notes,' he told Kira, who took out notepad and pen.

Mayuri however was going too in depth, 'Well as you can see this is the urethra which leads to the bladder this in turn is connected to the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah curdle blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah cheese blah blah blah blah blah blah.'

Shunsui snapped out of his day dream about Nanao in a bath tub eating fondue, 'I only heard cheese and curdle, Mayuri. What the hell was that?'

'I was just saying that if you drank milk and then orange juice the mixture would curdle in your stomach to form cheese. That's how they make cottage cheese….minus the stomach.'

'What the heck does that have to do with gonads!' Shunsui shouted.

'Nothing, I thought it was some interesting background information.'

Shunsui groaned and took over once again. 'Look yeah, this is a guy,' he quickly changed male Sam to female Sam, 'and this is a girl, see the difference. When you are old enough, and that's not till a long time, you do certain things with certain bits and children are made.'

Kira still looked confused.

'To help you understand what's going on I have brought a television and video for you to watch. It's called 'Growing Up'.'

Hisagi patted Kira on the shoulder, 'Look it'll be fine. We'll just leave you to it.'

All three left and Kira was alone watching cheerful animations about birds and bees.

Speaking of birds when Kira looked out of his window he saw a very curious specimen indeed perched in a tree.

Kira stared.

Soi Fon tilted her head to the side and stared back. In her bird suit. Kira silently turned back to the TV screen.

When asked what she was doing in a bird suit she explained that she was extremely dedicated to protecting the Shinigami even if that meant dressing up as an owl.

--

Momo braced herself and took a step backwards.

While she wasn't expecting this outcome, it was certainly _interesting._

No longer was Aizen's pensive gaze watching her every move but in its stead a very different pair of eyes resided.

Momo looked up at her new poster and it all made sense.

She uttered a single name under her breath.

'Yoruichi-sama.'

--

Jushiro smiled when he heard Toshiro's question.

'There are many answers but the wise man only chooses one,' Ukitake replied.

'But which one do I choose?' Toshiro asked.

'That is the question.'

Toshiro frowned this wasn't the type of 'wise' he had envisioned when he approached the thirteenth squad captain.

'That sounded like it came from a fortune cookie,' he muttered.

'Oh sorry, I had Chinese for lunch,' Ukitake apologised.

'It doesn't matter, just help me become more manly,' Toshiro said.

'There is an answer to your problem, young one.'

'What is it?' Toshiro whispered.

'Use Loreal.'

'But why?'

'Because you're worth it.'

--

Zaraki was close to stabbing himself again.

'I'm so sorry Unohana, I keep burning down your garden with my manly sneezes.'

Unohana sighed, 'You silly goose, it doesn't matter, I'll do it myself. It'll keep me occupied for the next five hundred years.'

Zaraki looked at the floor, 'Yeah but still….it wasn't the nicest thing to do…and I..y'know…I'm trying to be nice to you…'

Unohana smiled, 'Don't worry, I don't mind all this, I like you for who you are, manly sneezes and all.'

'Yeah but next time, it might be worse, I might sneeze all your hair off,' Zaraki mumbled. Unohana laughed and leaned forward into his field of vision.

'Why do you think I keep it platted in front of me? It's so I always know where it is. You'll never be able to sneeze it off.'

Zaraki grunted.

He held out a fist which held a single dandelion, 'I found this for you, I think it's the last one alive. Take it before it burns.'

Unohana did so and Zaraki turned away.

'No, wait,' Unohana urged.

Zaraki finally turned to her.

--

'Yo! Female Dog! Look 'dis way!.'

Shunsui paused. Mayuri frowned.

Both turned simultaneously.

Toshiro stood in front of them looking constipated.

'What did you just say?' Shunsui asked.

'You heard me, bruv, I is well hard,' Toshiro replied.

Mayuri stared, 'Why are you talking like that?'

'It's all good in the hood, yeah.'

'Maybe I should take you to my lab for experimentation. I have a new anal probe that I've been dying to try out,' Mayuri thought out loud. Toshiro squeaked.

'No, please don't. It is not good in the hood. Please!' Toshiro squealed.

'Then why were you talking like that?' Shunsui asked.

'I ran into Iba on the way here and he told me that if I wanted to be manly I should talk like a gangster,' Toshiro explained.

'You want to be manly?' Shunsui asked, 'Why didn't you ask me from the beginning?'

'You were my last resort,' Toshiro replied flatly. Mayuri looked offended.

'Wait, you weren't going to ask me?'

Toshiro looked at him, 'You wanted to shove an anal probe in me, of course I wasn't going to ask you!' Mayuri thought this through. It did make sense.

Shunsui took Toshiro by the shoulders, 'Step this way young man and prepare to be amazed.'

Mayuri sighed, he didn't like where this was going, 'If he's going in your room, I'm not letting him go alone. You're probably going to try and strip him like you did me.'

Toshiro looked worried, 'We're gonna what?'

Shunsui smiled at him kindly, 'Don't worry I won't let anything happen to you.'

Once seated inside Shunsui's office or lair as he liked to call it, Shunsui plonked a glass of whisky in front of Toshiro.

'Right first things first, whisky puts hair on your chest and there's nothing more manly than a hairy chest.'

Toshiro frowned, 'That just sounds rather gross.'

'Well if you won't drink it, then I will,' Shunsui said and drank Toshiro's whisky. Mayuri said a prayer, this wasn't going to end well.

'Are you going to help me or not?' Toshiro asked.

'Fine if you won't drink then at some posters of naked women, that's obviously the manly thing to do,' Shunsui said, pulling out some posters of random models.

Toshiro got a nose bleed, Mayuri just stared blankly, wishing he was somewhere else.

'And finally my piece de resistance,' Shunsui announced and pulled a roll of paper from under his desk.

He showed it to them. Even Mayuri didn't know what to think.

'My super secret Nanao poster!'

Toshiro and Mayuri sat back stunned. Nanao popped out of nowhere holding a lighter and quickly set fire to the offending material. Shunsui wept at the pile of ashes. Nanao looked more than a little angry and turned to Toshiro, who couldn't bare to look at her without going red in the face.

'Please taichou, just forget everything you just saw,' Nanao said breathlessly.

'Uh…ok…whatever…' Toshiro mumbled not even looking at her.

'You burnt my posters,' Shunsui cried. Nanao hit him with her book.

'I can't believe you took pictures of me naked!'

'I can take plenty more my Nanao, don't be upset, be flattered!' Shunsui said.

'Errr no. You'll never see me naked again!' Nanao shouted angrily and stomped out of the room. Mayuri turned to Toshiro.

'This is where we leave,' he whispered to the small boy who looked very pale. Probably because he had bled so much out of his nose.

Once Nanao had left Shunsui turned to them, 'She knows I love it when she gets angry.'

Toshiro unglued himself from the chair and stood on shaky legs, 'I think I should go.'

'Nonsense!' Shunsui said, 'There is still one more way to become manly.'

Toshiro wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it.

'The only other way,' Shunsui continued, 'is to perform the manly dance of excellence! Now Toshiro strip with me! And together we can perform the dance for Mayuri!'

'No thanks,' Mayuri replied quickly.

Toshiro looked very scared, 'He didn't mean that did he?'

'Shunsui can be a very serious man sometimes,' Mayuri commented.

'Now, the dance is judged on three things only,' Shunsui said while de-robing, 'Size, beauty and strength.'

'I'm going,' Toshiro said and left the room at high speeds leaving Mayuri on his own with a naked Shunsui.

'Care to join me, May-kun?'

Mayuri didn't know what to say and so said the first thing that came to mind.

'Gonads.'

--

Toshiro ran.

Ran for his life and sanity. What had he been thinking?

Asking Shunsui for help? What sort of craziness was that?

Breathing hard he leant against the nearest wall.

After catching his breath, he realised where his feet had subconsciously taken him.

Outside Momo's door.

The door slid open, 'Oh Shiro-chan, I thought I heard someone outside, why don't you come in. I have some tea ready.'

Toshiro accepted gratefully. He was worn out from a whole day of running around searching for manliness with nothing to show for it but bloody clothes.

The first thing Toshiro noticed inside the room was the absence of a certain poster.

'Momo what happened to your shrine for Aizen?'

'I got over him and threw that silly phone away, I don't think Aizen gets Verizon coverage.'

'That's uh…very sensible of you,' Toshiro could hardly believe what he was hearing. 'But what did you put there instead?'

Momo pointed, 'Soi Fon gave it to me.'

Toshiro gasped, 'Yoruichi-sama.'

'Indeed, she's a lot nicer to look at, now my heart doesn't split into a thousand pieces every time I look across the room.'

Toshiro was very happy to hear this.

'So what are your plans now?' Toshiro asked

'I don't know but I'd quite like to spend them with you.'

Toshiro liked this idea very much.

--

Zaraki leaned forward.

Unohana went onto tiptoes.

Their eyes closed.

Something very special was about to happen.

'Fornication!'

Both eyes ripped open.

Yachiru was suspended in the air between them.

'Fornication, me lovelies!' she repeated.

'Dammit,' Zaraki muttered. Unohana patted Yachiru on the head.

'That's lovely dear, but I don't think you should be saying that anymore.'

'Ok,' Yachiru said happily and skipped away happily, glad to have ruined a perfectly romantic opportunity.

Ikkaku watched with bemusement, 'What just happened?'

'I'm not sure but would you be interested in going to see Swan Lake with me?' Yumichika suggested.

'Hell no!'

'But it's a double date.'

'With a girl?' Ikkaku questioned.

'Of sorts. You and the tree. How about it?' Yumichika explained.

'Who are you bringing then?' Ikkaku asked, dreading the answer.

'The garden ornament of course!'

Ikkaku deadpanned.

'I thought the tree had been destroyed,' he said.

'I saved it for you,' Yumichika said.

'Oh….thanks.'

--

Mayuri sighed before knocking on the door. He felt drained after spending a day with Shunsui.

The door opened and Rei smiled at him. He handed her a bottle of sake.

'I wouldn't drink that if I were you. Shunsui spiked it.'

Rei looked questioningly at him.

Mayuri continued, 'With Rohypnol.'

Rei looked at the bottle. 'Would you like to come in?'

'Sure.'

The door shut behind him and he sat on the couch. Rei noticed a difference in his behaviour.

'Is there something wrong, you seem distracted?'

'We have to reproduce now.'

Rei sat there. 'Sorry?'

Mayuri blinked, 'Umm sorry if that shocked you. I spent the day with Shunsui, I fear he's rubbed off on me.'

'Oh ok then, he does look like he's a handful.'

'Yeah, but I wasn't joking.'

'About what?' Rei asked confused.

'The reproducing, fornication, bleep, it has to happen,' Mayuri said before quickly adding, 'but I'm asking you first.'

Rei was stunned. She had never been approached in this way before. 'Pardon?'

'Yeah, it's these tasks, they've gotta be done,' Mayuri explained, 'but don't think I'm using you, I do care for you in a way I can't quite explain. I mean I think about you all the time, I walked into some walls a couple of times.'

Rei didn't know what to think, one part of her wanted to say 'I love you too' while the other part of her was slightly annoyed at being the means to the end of his tasks.

Most of all she was scared. Scared that he would leave her as soon as the tasks were finished.

Mayuri looked at his watch, 'We'd better hurry y'know.'

Rei couldn't help but smile. This was the only man she knew who would a time limit on the reproduction.

Mayuri thought it high time to intervene.

He took her hand, 'You don't have to do this if you don't want to but I swear you'd enjoy it if we did,' he said meaning every word of it.

'I think that was the wrong thing to say,' Rei said.

'Cut me some slack. I'm trying to sell myself here….literally,' Mayuri replied smiling.

Rei put her finger on his mouth. 'Stop joking. Tell me the truth.'

Mayuri was silent for a moment, 'Lately I've been bothered a lot but whenever I think about you things seems to get a lot better. My head clears and that's incredible because my brain is full of rubbish. I don't know how to explain it but it's been annoying and great at the same time.'

'I think that's called love.'

'Maybe it is,' Mayuri paused, 'and maybe it isn't.'

Rei looked at him.

'But it probably is,' he said quickly.

Rei smiled. Mayuri jumped up and Rei wondered what it could be this time.

'Before we do anything, I need to brush my teeth. I ate garlic for dinner,' he hurried to her bathroom.

Rei laughed to herself.

This was the man she'd fallen in love with.

* * *

**Ages ago I was thinking about Death Note and I realised that Light and L reminded me of Pinky and Brain…that cartoon…Light is Brain and L is Pinky…I mean they're both clever but L is just…insane…cutely crazy…**

**While writing I was listening to a radio station called Gaydar….seriously…..**

**Rose helped me write practically the whole thing...well done to rose and her teryaki sauce....wouldn't have got anywhere if it wasn't for her...that is why she is awesomeness...i had a lot of trouble writing the bit about Rei....running off with my Mayuri...tsk tsk...just not right...**

**There was a huge gap between chapters and i'm extremely sorry...i dont know when i'll be able to update...but hopefully not as long as this one..**

**ummm also i know some of this chapter might have been a bit.....gay...but it wasnt intentional...it just turned out that way..always does when rose helps...**

**and err...i never talk about gonads....that was like as much as i would have said...nothing more...i swear...yachiru and her fornication made me laugh...**

**byakuya uses benadryl...because he's clever....**

**Thank You for reading! **


	57. Worldwide Fling

**Okay…here goes…I've been trying to get this down for ages now…**

**And I know I have been saying this for the last three chapters but this is seriously the penultimate chapter…the slightly filler one while I figure out the ending of this darn story…**

**Hope you've all been good...there's been loads of illness going round, like projectile voimiting.**

**I am hoping to finish this by the end of this year but that isn't going to happen…Christmas came well too fast…oh and some trivia for you….if you want to know why it's called Christmas it's called that after Jesus Christ (obviously) and, well, the word Christ comes from the Ancient Greek word Chrison, which means anointed….so Jesus is literally the anointed one…yeah…that's what I learn when I go to school.**

**Last night (Sunday night), as it happened, I was trying to sleep and then I suddenly thought half this chapter up. It was quite funny….I was laughing in bed I was so happy….I really needed the inspiration…**

**I hope you really had a good holiday and Christmas and got loads of presents….I got some books and really creepily, I got underwear from my mother….**

**This chapter at the beginning might not seem to lead anywhere but it is….to a lot of mush…smush smush…**

**Ok that's it**

* * *

Chapter 56

Hisana rolled over in her sleep. For some reason she was finding it hard to stay asleep. It probably had something to do with the classical music she could hear in the background, but she wasn't sure where it was coming from.

In fact she had been hearing music quite often and was surprised that Byakuya hadn't woken up too, since he was an even lighter sleeper than she was.

Then one fateful night she found out where the music was from and why Byakuya hadn't woken up to it.

He was making the music.

With his snores.

Byakuya, when he slept, snored symphonies.

----

_Some time ago_

Rei approached Mayuri's door cautiously. She was pretty sure the rapid gun fire sounds were coming from his room.

She wondered if she should have brought her zanpaktou.

There was a sudden almighty crash and the door rattled in its frame. Rei wanted to duck for cover but she was also slightly curious as to what Mayuri could be doing.

She knocked on the door and behind it she could hear by barely contained curses.

'The door's open!' someone shouted from within. Before Rei could open the door there was another explosion followed by a strangled scream.

Rei burst into the room.

She was certainly surprised at what she found.

On the far wall was placed a giant flat screen television on which Rei could see some sort of battle in a decrepit building taking place.

Sitting in a cushy armchair, not far away, was Mayuri waving some sort of controller around and shouting down a headset that was jammed onto his head.

'Nooooo! [UZB]_demonlord_crazy99_1988SupREmeCOmmAnDEr_Luigi, kill the zombies! The zombies I say!'

Rei was amazed at how Mayuri actually said all the underscores even though she didn't have a clue what he was saying.

There was a loud thud and the screen turned red. Mayuri screeched again.

'Do I look like a zombie to you, [UZB]_demonlord_crazy99_1988SupREmeCOmmAnDEr_Luigi? Why did you hit me?'

Rei thought it was time to intervene and she tapped Mayuri gently on the shoulder.

He nearly jumped out of seat and was about to shout angrily before he saw who it was. He calmed down immediately.

'Oh, Rei, what can I do for you?'

Rei stared at him, 'Um, you said to meet you here, last week, remember?'

Mayuri was silent for a moment. 'Oh sugar, I completely forgot. I've been so busy with work and then I got this invite to a Call of Duty 4 online game and I…..'

Mayuri paused and shuffled his feet, 'I'm sorry,' he mumbled.

Rei didn't really have it in her to be angry at Mayuri and smiled at him, 'It's ok, I'll come again tomorrow.'

Mayuri looked at her, 'Really?' he had thought that he'd blown his chance.

'Yes,' Rei replied.

There was a moments silence before Mayuri could think of something to say. He clicked his fingers and another armchair appeared next to his.

'Why don't you stay for a while? I'll show you my latest experiments,' Mayuri offered. Rei quickly thought this over in her head. She did want to spend time with Mayuri and what better way to do than actually doing something Mayuri enjoyed. Even if that was just playing games.

She sat down and Mayuri produced a bag of human food.

'They're called potato chips,' Mayuri said proudly, as if he had invented them himself, 'but apparently in England they call them crisps.'

Rei turned them down but at seeing Mayuri's crestfallen face she decided to take a few.

'So what are you doing?' Rei asked, gesturing towards the giant screen.

'Well, this is one of my latest experiments, I've connected my Playstation 3 to the human internet and I'm conducting a survey into how humans interact with each other in online communities,' Mayuri explained. He picked up a flat box and handed it to Rei. There was a dark printed cover depicting a human soldier holding a large gun. She read the title out loud, 'Call of Duty 4.'

Mayuri had started another scenario and was happily gunning down the enemy. 'For short the humans call it cod 4.'

'The fish?' Rei asked confused. Mayuri frowned slightly.

'Uh no, it's just the first letter of each word.'

'Ah, I see now. So what do you have to do?'

Mayuri smiled, 'The object of the game is to kill all the bad people.'

Rei didn't ask anymore and watched in bemused silence as Mayuri killed masses of people. Rei found that she had no interest in human video games but then again it was nice to know that under the scars and good looking goo, Mayuri was just a normal guy who liked to blow zombies up in strange and violent ways.

There was one final room shuddering explosion then the screen went blank.

'What happened?' Rei asked.

Mayuri muttered something darkly that strangely sounded like [UZB]_demonlord_crazy99_1988SupREmeCOmmAnDEr_Luigi.

'I lost the game,' Mayuri said sourly but then instantly brightened up.

'Hey, let me show you my new pet project!' Mayuri said and instantly got up, grabbed the bag of crisps and marched Rei into an adjoining room.

There wasn't much here but a desk, a few chairs and a computer console.

Mayuri sat Rei down and booted up the computer, as he did this he started to explain his new project.

'A few days ago, I stumbled across this very interesting site on the human internet which was called a socialising network, and to say the least I was impressed and I am a hard man to please. Anyways on this site you could poke people virtually and write on peoples' virtual walls and then graffiti on them….'

Rei frowned, this sounded like the human hoodlums who did exactly that, except on the real walls, by her favourite bakery in the real world.

'…and you can chat to people and tag pictures and do all sorts of social things and I thought to myself why don't I make one for the Soul Society.'

The computer was now ready and few clicks later Mayuri had arrived at his 'pet project'.

'Seireitei-Book,' Rei read off the screen.

'Yes, and if you click here you can see all my friends and if you type names here you can search for people you know…'

Rei was surprised that Mayuri had quite a few 'friends' but had the feeling they were on the list because Mayuri just knew them and weren't actually his friends.

They then arrived at a page called 'Shunpo'ke'.

Mayuri became very excited, 'I haven't had time to make many of these but I this was the first one I created and is possibly the best thing about Face-uh I mean Seireitei-Book.'

'What does it do?' Rei asked interestedly.

'Watch and learn,' Mayuri replied and selected a small picture of Zaraki. He then chose from a drop down menu hadou 33 and clicked on an icon that said 'shunpo'ke'.

There was a quiet for a moment and then a loud beep followed by a cheery on screen message that read, 'You have successfully hadou ninty-nined Zaraki Knepachi. Do something to Mayuri! Click here to dropkick, bite or hug Mayuri!'

Rei was stunned, 'Did you actually do kido on Zaraki?'

'No, it was all virtual. You can do all sorts of things, but I haven't added all the ones I wanted to yet. If you come up with any, you must tell me so I can put them up,' Mayuri explained.

Rei wondered why someone would enjoy dropkicking someone virtually.

'How many people are on this thing?' she asked. Mayuri stood up proudly.

'There are currently 124 people using Seireitei-Book. While Beta testing it I made all the captains get an account, they all made one except for the general and Kuchiki taichou.'

'Why don't they have one?' Rei said.

Mayuri rubbed the back of his head, 'Uh, well, the general didn't know what a computer was and as for Kuchiki taichou- that's a long story.'

Rei gave him a questioning glance and Mayuri sighed as he recalled how he had tried to persuade Byakuya to go on the internet.

One morning Byakuya woke to find a brand new computer console waiting for him at the dining table. As it was from Mayuri, Byakuya didn't really want it, but felt he owed something to the crazy scientist and set it up. Since Byakuya wasn't technologically minded, he had ordered the household staff to load the software, unfortunately, when this was done, Byakuya still didn't know what to do. So when he received his first email from Mayuri, he had sat there pensively for half an hour trying to open the envelope icon and when he couldn't he had tried to cut it out with his zanpaktou.

Later that day Mayuri received the computer console in pieces with a simple note reading, 'It didn't work.'

Mayuri never tried to make Byakuya use the internet again.

Rei smiled inwardly, that did sound like something Byakuya would do. There was a flash and another beep. The two looked at the computer screen.

'Soi Fon is attending the Hug a 4th Squad Member day. RSVP to this event?' Mayuri read out loud. He tapped his chin thoughtfully before clicking on the 'Maybe' icon. Normally he would just say no, but since Rei was from the fourth squad he didn't want to seem rude.

'So it's like an organiser as well?' Rei said in wonder. This did sound like an interesting web site. Maybe she would make her own account when she got home.

As if reading her mind, Mayuri spoke, 'I hope you, uh, would make an account, then we could, umm, keep in touch and whatever.'

Mayuri hoped he sounded like he didn't care. He didn't want people to think him desperate.

'I will make sure that I do,' Rei replied and as if wanting to ruin this good moment a hell butterfly drifted through a window, carrying Nemu's voice.

'Mayuri-sama, you're attention is needed in the crisis room.'

Mayuri frowned wondering what sort of crisis would need _his_ attention.

'Oh, I better be going then,' Rei said and made for the door. Mayuri grabbed her arm quickly.

'Umm, before you leave, come here tomorrow, in the morning, early, uh wear human clothes and we'll do something…fun…ok?'

Rei nodded began to leave but then stopped.

'Is there something wrong?' Mayuri asked.

'You can let go of my arm now,' Rei replied. Mayuri looked and saw that his hand was still latched on to her arm.

'Oh.'

---

Mayuri hurried to the crisis room and slammed the door behind him.

'Nemu! Why did you call for me, I was in the middle of something good.'

'The preparations are ready, Mayuri-sama. You ordered me to message you when they were done,' Nemu replied flatly.

'Did I?'

'Yes.' Nemu took out a voice recorder and hit the play button.

'_When the preparations are done, make sure to message me.' _Mayuri's voice was clear over recorder.

'Oh, I guess I did then and uh, Nemu, do you always record our conversations.'

'Yes, just in case something important is said.'

Mayuri was silent. This made perfect logical sense to him but still, it was slightly weird.

Nemu handed a clipboard over to Mayuri, who scanned through the documents quickly. 'Excellent, I see that Spain is here. Can you speak Spanish Nemu?'

'No hablo español,' Nemu replied.

Mayuri frowned, 'Are you sure?'

'Si.'

'Fine then, I was hoping that you could make a translation package for me, but I guess I'll have to make do.'

Nemu returned to her equations and Mayuri left her to it.

He sat in a chair and quickly logged onto Seireitei-Book, thinking that Rei might have made an account. But then again, Mayuri thought to himself, she's barely left here, she wouldn't have had time or maybe she had gotten home and she wasn't bothered about making an account, maybe she thought it was rubbish.

These thought continued for while before Nemu fell over a bin and into Mayuri's lap.

'Err, Nemu, I was busy thinking and you've just interrupted me,' Mayuri said, slightly annoyed. Nemu picked herself up and handed Mayuri the paper she had been trying to give him.

Mayuri scanned the sheet quickly, his eyes widened as he read the last figure.

'Fifteen more people have joined Seireitei-Book,' he said excitedly. He quickly turned to his own computer and typed Rei's name.

Mayuri wanted to jump for joy when he saw a small picture of Rei on the screen. He hugged Nemu who was standing next to him.

'Haha, so she doesn't think it's rubbish, I told you so!' Mayuri shouted to no one in particular. He added her as a friend and ten minutes later it was acknowledged by Rei.

Mayuri then proceeded to the shunpo'ke page.

There he stopped.

What would a normal man do to someone they liked? Mayuri stared at the commands. Desperately trying to think of something that wouldn't make him look like a love struck dope.

He needed help. And there was only one man qualified to give it.

---

' Oi, Shunsui, wake up!' Mayuri ordered down the phone.

'Huh, what do you want? I was sleeping,' Shunsui mumbled in reply.

'Look I don't care, I need some help. It's about Rei.'

Mayuri wasn't sure but he pretty convinced that Shunsui was now fully awake, 'Really now? And what can I do to help you,' Shunsui answered jovially.

Mayuri outlined his problem and Shunsui felt a headache coming on. This wasn't what he had expected.

'Look Mayuri it doesn't matter what you send her….it's not real.'

Mayuri frowned, 'Well what do you send Nanao?'

'Things that aren't even suitable to be spoken,' Shunsui said mysteriously before what Mayuri guessed correctly was Nanao whacking Shunsui with her book. Nanao took the phone.

'Mayuri-taichou, why don't you just send her something simple? Please don't ring for stuff like this, you've put him in his silly mood-gah! Shunsui what are you doing? That's not where you put-NO! Stop taking your clothes off this instant-.'

Mayuri let the phone drop from his hand, he had a pretty good idea where that was going. He sighed and turned back to his computer.

Not wanting to decided himself he clicked on the random button.

_Get married to!_

Mayuri sighed. That wasn't what he had in mind. He was also pretty sure he hadn't put that on. He wouldn't do something wussy like that. Would he?

He tried again.

_Propose to!_

Mayuri frowned, that was pretty much the same as the last one he'd received. He gave up and decided to be a man and sort things out for himself.

He looked at all the suitable things he could give her. Before long he had shortlisted the best ones he could find.

Poke and Hug.

One was personal the other impersonal. One was nice and warm the other was just annoying.

Mayuri wouldn't have minded making a new one up but that would take more time than he had.

He closed his eyes and clicked.

There was a beep and Mayuri cautiously opened his eyes. His eyes widened in horror.

_You successfully trout slapped Rei!_

Mayuri balked when he realised he had accidently clicked on the random button.

He quickly typed an apology to her and shut the computer down. He sat there for the next ten minutes breathing hard. I've just ruined all my chances, Mayuri thought, I hope she comes tomorrow.

Later that evening he got his answer when Rei threw a cheesecake at him and then sent a short message saying that doing mean things virtually was quite fun.

Mayuri continued with his preparations for tomorrow.

---

It was early morning when Rei knocked on Mayuri's door, she wasn't sure what they were going to do at such a time but she came ten minutes early anyway.

She heard muffled crashes from within and loud swearing.

Rei backed away from the door slightly.

A few moments later, the door opened slightly so a small crack of light was let through, Rei thought she caught sight of a bleary eye looking at her.

'You're early,' Mayuri said groggily from behind the door, narrowing the already small gap between door and frame; he wasn't really dressed for the present company since he's just fallen out of bed.

'Umm only by ten minutes,' Rei said, small creases appearing on her forehead as she frowned slightly. Mayuri nearly gasped. Oh no! He thought to himself, look at those frowns, doesn't she know if she does that they won't go away! She's going to have a wrinkly forehead, Mayuri thought in alarm. I'd better get my iron!

He slammed the door in her face.

Rei sighed, Mayuri was a totally unpredictable man

---

After reassuring Mayuri that he didn't have to iron her face, Rei stepped into the darkened room and looked around expectantly.

Mayuri realised this and explained, 'We won't be staying here. I have planned for us a daytrip to the real world.'

He waited for a gasp of amazement. It didn't come.

'Is there something wrong?' Mayuri asked suddenly worried. Rei looked at Mayuri for long time. She didn't think that Mayuri would do something like this, Rei was in fact surprised but it was a welcome one since she didn't think Mayuri had it in him to be so forward. It also looked like Mayuri didn't realise that he was taking her on their first proper date.

'There isn't anything wrong, where are we going?'

Mayuri tapped his nose, 'It's a surprise.'

---

Rei had never been to Canada before and was going to say it looked exactly like America but before she could an Asian man in front of her did and he was promptly pushed over by what one would assume to be a local.

Rei kept her mouth shut.

'It looks like America doesn't it?' Mayuri said conversationally and a split second later he was on the floor too.

Rei helped him up and wasn't quite ready for the look of anger on Mayuri's face. 'Hey who did that?' he shouted. The people on the street carried on walking. Except for one who tapped Mayuri on the shoulder.

'I did.'

Rei wasn't exactly sure what happened but the next thing she knew someone had been punched and her and Mayuri were being chased by a man on a horse. They ducked into an alleyway and hid behind a dumpster.

'That was close,' Mayuri said gasping for breath. Rei nodded beside him.

'Did you really have to hit that man?' she asked but Mayuri wasn't listening. He was flicking through the pages of his guidebook. A few seconds later he tapped a page excitedly.

'Look, that was a mounted police officer chasing us? Isn't that something? Never seen one of those before,' he said in wonder. Rei sighed, she was quite enjoying Canada and didn't want to leave.

'Let's go to Toronto,' Mayuri suggested, 'They have a huge Chinatown there and I want to see if there are any manga shops.'

Rei didn't really mind and followed Mayuri through a portal where they were suddenly transported to a bustling city. The two finally reached a small shop. Rei looked at it.

'Is this it?' she asked. Mayuri seemed to be thinking the same thing and checked his guide book.

'I can't believe it, this is the only manga shop in the whole of Downtown Toronto!' Mayuri said. 'I knew I should have gone to America.

Mayuri once again found himself on the floor.

'Who did that?'

Rei helped him up again. 'They ran away,' she said before Mayuri could hit someone again. Mayuri rubbed his head and decided to get away from the city.

'Let's go see some moosies!' he declared.

'What?'

'I said let's go see some moosies,' Mayuri repeated.

' I heard that, but what is a moosie?'

'It's the plural of moose. Isn't it?' Mayuri said flicking through his book again. Rei sighed, maybe it was the just the teacher in her but she really wanted to correct him.

'I don't think it is.'

Mayuri frowned and Rei had the feeling that this was going to be a long day.

---

After seeing some moose Mayuri was satisfied to move on to their next location which he revealed to be New York but after seeing the Statue of Liberty and saying that it would look better if it was him, Rei decided that they should go somewhere else.

As it turned out the next location was Las Vegas and unfortunately Mayuri turned out to be an excellent card counter and after putting a casino out of business and buying it for himself, Rei once again found it upon herself to intervene.

'But I was gonna pit a big picture of me on it,' Mayuri whined as Rei dragged him away from his new hotel casino.

'Mayuri, it's not nice to put other people out of business,' Rei scolded.

He sighed, 'Fine I'll give it back.'

Rei patted his head, 'There's a good boy.'

Mayuri went back sulkily to the previous hotel owner and arranged for him to have the hotel back.

The man looked at him suspiciously, but Mayuri was conscience that Rei was looking and didn't hit him but instead said 'Y'know, America looks a lot like Canada.'

The man gave him a dark look and Mayuri skipped happily away. Rei shook her head at him.

'Mayuri sometimes you are a very immature man.'

---

By noon the pair were sitting on a quiet beach in Australia.

With only the sound of the waves and sunshine present, Rei thought that the prospects for the trip were looking up.

But then again she was on a date with Mayuri and since you never knew what Mayuri was going to do next, Rei didn't keep her hopes up.

They had eaten a picnic and now Mayuri had disappeared to go and find the facilities.

The scene was rather peaceful and then Mayuri reappeared. He ran up to Rei leaving a cloud of sand behind him.

He was heading right for her and then suddenly he vanished. Rei found herself laughing as she saw Mayuri clambering out of the very hole he had dug himself.

'You could have warned me,' Mayuri said collapsing onto the towel in front of her.

'I completely forgot that you had dug it, sorry,' Rei replied and she looked questioningly at the bag Mayuri had brought with him.

'Oh these are some snacks that I bought,' Mayuri opened the bag and took out a packet of biscuits.

'You must eat these, they're the best things I've ever eaten let me tell you, I have eaten some crazy stuff,' Mayuri explained. Rei took one and took a bite.

Her eyes widened. 'Oh my gosh! They taste so good! What are they called?'

'They are called Tim Tams,' Mayuri said taking pride in his discovery.

'It's a shame they don't have these in the Soul Society,' Rei mused.

'I think, when we get home I will make a Tim Tam factory,' Mayuri said looking off into the sea. Rei smiled.

'I can't really see you as a baker, Mayuri,' she said.

'I think I would look well good in one of those poofy chefs' hats,' Mayuri replied, dead serious. Rei tried to imagine this but all she could do was laugh.

Mayuri laughed too. He didn't really know why though. He was pretty sure she was laughing at him and if he laughed too then he would be laughing at himself.

Mayuri couldn't quite explain, but just seeing Rei laughing wanted to make him do it too.

Soon enough there was only one Tim Tam left and as they stared out into the blue ocean both their hands fell onto the packet. Their hands met briefly.

Both of them froze.

'Er, you can have it,' Mayuri said, removing his hand quickly.

Rei shook her head, 'No, it's fine, you really like them, you can have it.'

'That wouldn't be nice, you can have it.'

'No, you.'

Mayuri sighed, 'This isn't getting anywhere, let me break it in half.'

He was just about to do this, when a large white bird swooped down and grabbed the biscuit.

Mayuri was having none of this and proceeded to chase the seagull all the way down to the water's edge. Rei watched amused, it was a nice feeling, to just sit here and not worry about anything. At this moment she was entirely content and could wish for nothing more than maybe another packet of Tim Tams.

A few minutes later Mayuri returned with a dripping brown lump. Rei stared.

'You actually got it back?' she asked in amazement.

'Of course I did, though I don't suppose you want to eat it now,' Mayuri sniffed, he had chased the bird all the way into the sea and had only got the snack back by throwing seaweed at it.

Rei looked again at the soggy lump and grimaced and patted to the space next to her. Mayuri sat and threw the remaining biscuit away.

'At any rate, we should be moving to our next location,' Mayuri began. Rei sighed, she was actually starting to enjoy this trip. Mayuri noticed this.

'Don't worry, I promise you, from now onwards, this trip will only get better.'

---

Rei had always wanted to go to Italy, she had recently heard from Matsumoto that they were the most fashionable country in the real world. Even if she was a science geek, she was still a woman.

Mayuri seemed to be thinking the same thing and wanted to get a new suit.

Rei didn't know if this was a good thing or not.

First they went to Venice where Mayuri produced yet another guidebook and was giving a tour of the city to Rei who listened to facts and figures of the numerous churches and squares.

'Apparently Venice was voted one of the most romantic cities in the world,' Mayuri said not actually thinking before he said it. Rei took this in and stopped.

The day was coming to close and wind felt colder. Mayuri realised Rei wasn't following and came to a halt. He looked at her. 'Is there something wrong?'

Rei had lost count at how many times Mayuri had asked her that but was slightly disappointed that Mayuri had just said the last fact without meaning anything out of it. Mayuri seemed to do that often. He took a perfectly good moment and ruined it.

Suddenly it was quiet and all that could be heard was the gentle lapping of the water at the edge of the canals.

Mayuri, sensing things were getting out of hand made a drastic decision and crossed the bridge to where Rei was standing and spoke to her earnest.

'Erm, I know it's not hard to imagine, but I don't really do this often. And, uh, I'd like you to know that I am trying, the hardest I can, to make this interesting for you, because, essentially that's what I want. I want you to be happy. I want you to enjoy yourself-.'

Mayuri stopped himself and took a deep breath and Rei looked at him in wonder.

'Did I actually say that?'

Nemu who had been listening to the whole conversation, stepped out of the canal, and played the last few sentences of the conversation back to the shocked couple.

'Um, thanks Nemu. That wasn't really necessary,' Mayuri said stiffly, indicating with his eyes that she should return to the canal. Nemu nodded silently and without further ado jumped off the bridge.

There was an awkward silence which Rei broke.

'Is she going to be ok?'

Mayuri thought it was about time he made some new rules for Nemu.

--

The afternoon passed without any more interruptions albeit Mayuri was acting more nervous and awkward.

Before they moved on to their final destination, Rei spotted a small crowd by a pool of water. The wandered over and watched as a small boy in shorts called out to the tourists who flicked a coin into the pool. They boy then jumped in, dived and brought back the coin.

'Why are those people flicking money into water and making the boy pick it up. If they really wanted the money they wouldn't have thrown it in the first place,' Mayuri muttered darkly so no one would hear, 'It doesn't make sense.'

Rei read a small badly written sign, 'Apparently, you will get good luck if the boy finds it or you can wish on it.'

Mayuri was about to say something rude about where that boy could shove that coin when he saw that Rei actually liked that idea.

He wordlessly handed her some money. Rei looked at him, 'Are you sure? I know you don't like to waste money.'

'Well, it isn't really wasting if he gives it back,' Mayuri said with a small smile.

Rei hurried to the front of crowd, briefly shut her eyes, and flicked the coin in. With a small splash the boy was gone, searching the dark water.

A minute later he surfaced without it. He looked at Rei apologetically and shook his head. Rei turned away disappointed. Mayuri scowled at the boy, secretly wanting to rip his head off for disappointing Rei like that.

Instead of threatening the boy he took his shoes off and dived into the pool.

The tourists gasped and Rei watched in surprise.

A full five minutes passed.

Underwater, Mayuri was starting to get annoyed, he had reached the bottom of the pool fairly quickly but was slowed down by the fact that there was a carpet of coins littering the bottom and he couldn't tell which one was Rei's. Since he was Mayuri, he had made Gigai's with special capabilities, hence the five minutes without breathing, but he didn't want to worry anyone and grabbed a handful of coins.

Rei was relieved when she saw ripples coming from the middle of the pool. A moment later Mayuri surfaced and paddled over to the side. The tourists made a gap for him and clapped when he produced the handful of coins.

'I'm sorry,' he said slightly out breath, 'I couldn't find your coin, so I brought back loads.'

The boy gave Mayuri a dark look and he couldn't help but laugh.

Rei helped him out of the pool and the two sat on stone steps further inland.

Mayuri was dripping wet, 'That's twice now, I've been soaked,' he muttered.

Rei handed his shoed back. 'You didn't have to do that.'

'You looked so disappointed, I hope the wish was worth it,' Mayuri replied before sneezing violently, 'Anyways, it's a good excuse to buy a new suit,' he said gesturing at his sodden clothes.

'Um, Mayuri, what you said earlier-.'

Mayuri cut her off quickly, 'If you thought I was being weird it's nothing, I was just, uh, I don't, the air here, makes me say funny things-.'

Rei leant her head against his wet shoulder, 'I wasn't going to say that.'

'Oh, what were you going to say?' Mayuri said, hoping he hadn't driven Rei away by speaking honestly.

'I was going to say that I thought it was rather sweet.'

Mayuri was surprised, 'Really?'

'Yes, and I think it was even more sweet of you to jump into a an old pond for me.'

'I did it because I care,' Mayuri said quietly. Rei caught his eye and Mayuri laughed nervously.

'That is, about you. I care.' Mayuri frowned as he struggled to get his words right, there really was something in the air. He was acting like a fool. Rei didn't seem to mind though and that made him feel slightly better.

'Before I say something really crazy, I'll just quit while I'm ahead,' Mayuri said, Rei smiled at him knowing fully well that Mayuri could butcher this perfect moment.

'I think that's a good idea.'

--

An hour later the two were walking down the Champs-Élysées. Mayuri had a new suit and not wanting to make Rei feel left out he had bought a dress for Rei too and soon they looked like they belonged to the world of fashion and fame. Although Mayuri had added aftershave so people didn't think he smelled like canal water.

The cool night air made it perfect for a dinner outside and Rei had to admit she didn't mind all the attention. Some people even took pictures of them. She couldn't blame them though, sitting opposite her was a striking man in an Italian suit with blue hair and yellow eyes.

Needless to say Mayuri stood out and could almost pass as famous by the way he ordered the waiters around.

After dinner Mayuri pulled her into an empty side road and opened another portal. He put his hands over her eyes.

'This is the last place, I promise,' Mayuri said before guiding Rei through.

It was colder here, that much Rei could tell, and could feel goose bumps on her arms.

The portal closed behind they and Mayuri removed his hands.

Rei gasped.

Mayuri had taken her to the top of the Eiffel Tower. The view at night was spectacular and all around she could see sparkling lights.

'Do you like it?' Mayuri asked.

Rei nodded, speechless.

'I read in a book that this was one of things,' he looked at her, 'y'know.'

Rei frowned, wind blew hair in her face.

'I don't understand.'

Mayuri brushed the strands of hair from her face and tucked them behind an ear. Rei would remember the feel of his fingertips on her face for a long time.

'It's like one of the most romantic things a guy could do for someone he…uh…_likes_.'

'Mayuri, where do you read these things?' Rei asked, leaning on the railing. Mayuri did the same.

'Shunsui left this book on my desk one day and one thing led to another,' he explained.

'So we've established that you like me,' Rei smiling.

'Yes.'

'I _like_ you too, Mayuri.'

'I want to kiss you,' Mayuri blurted out.

Rei froze and eyed Mayuri suspiciously, ' I though you said you would quit while you were ahead. You're not really acting like yourself.'

Mayuri slapped his forehead, smooth, he thought, real smooth. There was no taking that one back.

'I did say that and I think I've drunk too much wine at dinner, but uh, damn,' Mayuri looked away a disbelieving smile on his face. He couldn't believe it, he had in essence ruined a perfectly good moment.

Rei stared out into the beautiful Parisian night, deep in thought. Mayuri was just about ready to shoot himself when Rei turned to him.

'Mayuri.'

He looked at her and before he knew what was happening Rei had kissed him lightly on the lips.

'Oh,' Mayuri said dumbstruck. 'That was nice.'

It struck him that he hadn't been kissed and for a first time he didn't think it could get any better. What made it even more special was that no matter how many times he spoiled a moment Rei always gave him another chance.

Then some primal instinct got the better of him and he wanted to kiss her again.

He put his arms around, closing any gap between them.

'Rei, I don't really know what I'm doing and I'm drunk but if I don't do this right now I don't think I ever will, so yeah,' he said and kissed her again.

Mayuri had never felt happier in his life. And he had been living for a long time.

All good moments must come to an end and Mayuri thought that his was tragically short.

There was a coughing behind them.

The two broke away.

Mayuri frowned at the man in front of them.

'What do you want?' Mayuri asked, feeling more than a little light headed. Rei rested her head against his chest smiling. Things never went their way.

'I am the police,' the man said in French, gesturing at his badge, 'You are not meant to be here, the tower is closed.'

Mayuri frowned he didn't have a clue what the man just said. So he said the only French he knew.

'Parlez vous Francais?' Do you speak French?

The policeman frowned, why would someone ask _him_ if he could speak French?

Before either of them could speak again Rei spoke.

'Sorry, we didn't know. We'll come down straight away,' she said slowly in French. Mayuri looked at her.

'You can speak French?' he whispered to her.

'A little,' she replied.

'How did you get up here, the lifts aren't on?' the policemen asked. Rei sighed, she had a feeling he would ask that. Unfortunately it was something she could answer easily.

'Uh, Mayuri, we need to leave quickly, he just asked how we got up here and the lifts aren't on,' she muttered.

Mayuri took a step towards the police officer and took a small vial from inside his jacket and threw it at him. It hit the floor, cracked and from the remains a slightly green vapour rose and the policeman fell down, unconscious.

'Don't worry, he's just knocked out.' Mayuri explained. 'I guess we should get out of here then.'

Rei nodded and Mayuri opened the last portal of the day.

Rei turned and took one final glance at the spectacular scenery. Mayuri stood next to her.

'This was an interesting trip,' he said. 'I hope one day, you would come again with me.'

Rei didn't want to say so, but a slightly drunk Mayuri made a lot more sense than the normal one.

'I would love to,' she replied taking his hand and together they returned to the Soul Society.

* * *

**Mayuri is well good….wooing his true love with crisps….only he would think of doing that….**

**I had so much more planned for this chapter but then I left it out….otherwise it would have been way too much…it's still too much…just left the smushy in there.**

**Spanish is like the fourth most spoken language in the world….which is why I learnt German….obviously….actually I didn't have a choice….**

**I apologise to anyone who doesn't really like facebook or CoD 4…….**

**Mayuri has CoD 4 on the PS3 because he knows it's way better than the Xbox….as for [UZB]_demonlord_crazy99_1988SupREmeCOmmAnDEr_Luigi…I play online occasionally and I am always surprised by peoples' names…some of them are crazy….my brother's account is just his name…to spice it up he put it in capital letters….but that's it….it's quite funny really…his is just too plain.**

**The whole thing in Canada…I don't want to be horrible to Canadians….but I'm sure they don't want to be compared to America all the time…good things come out of Canada…like ginger ale…and Russell Peters…stuff like that….and I'm pretty sure the mounted police can't be found on the normal streets of downtown Toronto….and there might be tons of manga/anime shops in Toronto….but I only saw one….I didn't see any moose either…but don't get me wrong. I like Canada.**

**I was going to put more America but I couldn't think of anything to say……my inspiration didn't last very long.**

**If you ever get a chance to eat Tim Tams make sure you do….they are the best thing ever…better than chocolate buttons….nicest biscuit ever…I don't know why but every time we go to the beach we dig holes and then cover them up and let people fall into them….it's fun really… **

**I don't know where this is but I am sure there is somewhere where you throw a coin and a little boy dives after it and picks it up for you….if he doesn't get it then you get bad luck or something……or maybe I just saw it in a film.**

**I don't mean to offend anyone….I don't hate anyone…I'm nice…honest…but anyways…**

**I was surprised at how much mush I could fit in…I find that the hardest to do.**

**Hope you enjoyed it and have an awesome New Year! If you have time leave a review or something….even if you are one of those people who never review…I used to do that….before I wrote my story I never reviewed anyone's stories' but trust me, it makes a huge difference.**

**THANKS FOR READING!**

**This is Rhea and she's saying good night. Stay tuned for, finally, the last chapter….I would like to say watch this space for updates but I won't because it wouldn't make a difference. **


	58. Final Fiasco

**Ha...this is the last chapter....finally.....tuuuurtles...and lots of jazz**

**I think at this point I should say something profound....Rose is sitting next to me and all she could think of was 'Salmon fish-cakes do not make good pillows'. One day....this could be a famous proverb. One day...**

**Just so you know, Rose used to know all the ex-Soviet states...she's reciting them right now...it's not helping me write.**

**I was trying to tone down the randomness but I couldn't keep all of it out.**

**I will definitely have a poem at the end of this.**

**I also drew a picture of Mayuri for this story…..but I never finished it in time…it wasn't even done on Paint…it was a proper picture…sort of…rather than putting it up on the web, you can just send me a message and I'll send it…I am never going to finish it…**

**This chapter is dedicated to calendanime because she drew awesome pictures…they are on her deviant art…go look…they are proper pictures of Mayuri…mmm….**

**Forgive me if I write this badly.**

**If the first section didn't go how you wanted...please tell me...and I'll write an alternate ending(s)...there were many ways it could have gone...but this was the best way I think...**

**So here goes. This is a longish chapter…so take your time…**

* * *

Chapter 57

Dolphins.

Mayuri turned in his sleep. Dreams about dolphins never meant anything good to Mayuri. The last time he had dreamt about dolphins, someone had put his Reece's Pieces in the bathtub. That had been a very bad day.

Mayuri cracked an eyelid open and he froze. There was something in the bed with him.

Last summer Mayuri was visited in bed by a very large spider, since then Mayuri had kept a bug swatter under his pillow, just in case.

He reached out slowly then stopped. The thing moved.

Mayuri suddenly realised how big this thing was. It took up nearly half the bed and most of the sheets. He was going to need a bigger bug swatter.

Tentatively he lifted a corner of the sheet up and fainted.

--

Two minutes and fifty-seven point eight seconds later Mayuri woke. His first impulse was to scream but he quickly restrained himself. Maintaining his dignity, Mayuri felt the enormity of the situation come upon him.

'Oh my gosh,' he said out loud, 'I have a naked woman in my bed.'

This had never happened to Mayuri before and he wondered what he should do next. Did he have to dispose of the body? He had seen this on a human TV show recently. It looked rather messy and Mayuri didn't fancy getting his hands dirty so early in the morning.

Maybe he should try swatting it anyway.

He did this and the body's arm swatted back then it was still again.

Mayuri picked up the phone. He was going to need outside help and this help consisted of one man and one man alone. Shunsui Kyoraku.

The phone rang twice before it was picked up, before the recipient had a chance to say anything, Mayuri blurted, 'There's a naked woman in my bed!'

Mayuri got the dial tone in response. He checked the number he had dialled.

'Oops.'

--

Byakuya wasn't sure who was ringing at such an early hour and he was in the right mind to let it just go unanswered but he picked it up anyway.

'_There's a naked woman in my bed!_'

Byakuya put the phone down.

--

Mayuri redialled and Shunsui picked up.

'There's a naked woman in my bed!'

There was silence on the other end.

Mayuri frowned, 'Hello?'

Shunsui cleared his throat, 'Is it Rei?'

'I don't know! How do you expect me to know that?'

Shunsui sighed, 'Just look.'

'Ok' Mayuri replied in a small voice. He poked the thing under the sheets. It rolled over revealing a familiar face. 'It's Rei,' he confirmed.

'Thank goodness, for a moment there I thought you'd taken a random woman off the streets, not that I have anything against that-.'

There was a sudden thump and Shunsui yelped. Mayuri caught snippets of conversation.

'_Who are you talking to at this time of morning? Why are you discussing women of the night?_'

'But Nanao, my sweet, Mayuri rang me! He has a naked woman in his bed!'

_'Ohmygosh!'_

'Exactly, so I need to finish this call.'

'I_ see, umm, I'll leave you to it._'

From that day on Nanao could never look Mayuri in the eye – even when she was giving him an eye exam.

'Yes, as I was saying, I need some help,' Mayuri continued.

'Right first you need to get a black bin bag and then carefully load her into it.'

'Shunsui, she's not dead.'

'Oh, that's a different matter entirely. Let me ask one thing, did you _do _it?'

'Do what?'

'Don't play coy with me, Mayuri man,' Shunsui said.

'Ok, ok, stuff happened but I'm not going to elaborate.'

'Naughty stuff?'

Mayuri frowned, 'What do you mean by that?'

Shunsui slapped a hand to his forehead, this was borderline Kira behaviour. 'Mayuri, let's just say some things are better left unsaid. Now is she awake?'

Mayuri stared at the prone body, 'I don t think so.'

'Then you're on your own, buddy.' Shunsui put down the phone and laughed to himself. Mayuri really made everything more complicated than it should be. He turned to Nanao.

'Hey Nanao, now that I'm off the phone we can do whatever we want!'

Nanao pretended to snore.

Shunsui was unperturbed. 'Ok then, maybe later.'

--

Mayuri stared at Rei.

He didn't know what to do.

Maybe he should try and go back to sleep.

Or he could just run away.

Both ideas were appealing but before Mayuri could leave the bed Rei flung her arm around his chest, mumbling in her sleep.

Mayuri froze for the second time that morning. His mind screamed for help. 'What do I do? I can't move now. Maybe I should cut her arm off. Wait, if I do that, will it grow back? Probably not. Damn.'

Mayuri realised how warm it was. It was a bit different from his Ashisogi Jizo plushie, but still somehow... nice. He couldn't find a better word for it. Perhaps he should just stay put. Slowly, he drifted off in a sweet slumber.

No dolphins were present.

--

Sometime later the two woke up.

All was awkward.

Mayuri sat up leaning on a pillow, turned red and looked away from Rei's sleepy gaze as she shivered and wrapped herself in the remaining bedclothes.

'Uh, good morning, 'tis a nice morning isn't it….very sunny,' he mumbled. Rei looked at him. Mayuri took this as a signal to go on, 'ah, yes, last night-stuff happened-good stuff-yes-nice...'

Mayuri trailed on getting quieter as he did so.

There was silence.

Mayuri was not used to this sort of situation. He needed some guidelines or instructions. Damn that Shunsui! He gave Rei a weak smile and decided to lay it out for her.

'Before I say something...unnecessary, I would like to make things clear. I don't really know what I should be doing right now.'

Rei turned away, trying to hide a small smile, 'Mayuri there aren't rules or instructions for these things. They just happen.'

'Drat,' Mayuri thought to himself and said, 'Really?'

Shaking her head, Rei felt herself sigh. It had to be her that fell in love with the silliest man ever. She leant towards him placing her palms on his cheeks.

The closeness was having adverse effects on Mayuri. With their foreheads almost touching, Mayuri's mind went fuzzy. Somehow quick flashes of last night drifted back to him.

'Look,' Rei began drawing his attention, 'Do you regret what happened last night?'

'No,' Mayuri said quickly and Rei wasn't sure whether to be happy or not. Mayuri suddenly felt the need to say something worthwhile or maybe a little bit humorous but he was no comedian.

Mayuri put a hand on hers, 'On the contrary I rather enjoyed it,' he said with a small smile, his eyes on her own and then suddenly wished he hadn't. Was that going overboard? Would Rei think him some wild fiend? He hoped not. It was the truth but since he hadn't said anything like this before he wasn't sure how it would be received.

Rei guessed right that this was Mayuri trying very hard to say the right thing, 'That's the spirit,' she whispered and kissed him.

'So she doesn't think I'm a fiend, this isn't so bad after all,' Mayuri thought; his mind clearer. Feeling significantly happier, he put his arms around her and returned the kiss. He couldn't quite explain it but something in his brain was telling him what to do. Whatever it was, Mayuri thought, it was definitely helping.

--

Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. Mayuri groaned, staring at the now silent doorway. Who could that be, ruining this good moment?

Rei looked at the door too, 'I should get that.'

Mayuri didn't really want her to go, he was pretty sure he wouldn't get this opportunity again and finally things were making more sense. If she left his clear mind might too.

Mayuri didn't want that. He liked knowing what to do.

'Don't go,' he muttered, Rei smiled and kissed his forehead.

'I'll be back in a minute,' she promised and after finding her clothes she went to answer to door.

Mayuri felt his head fall onto the pillow. Another task had been completed. How many had he done? Mayuri frowned-he couldn't even remember. When had the tasks started to become so irrelevant? He wasn't even sure if he cared about them, all he wanted to do was spend time with Rei. Mayuri smiled inwardly. Yes, spending time with Rei, that did sound like fun. Mayuri hoped he didn't sound like Shunsui.

Before his thoughts went even further, Rei tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, surprised.

'Nemu would like to see you, she's waiting outside.'

Mayuri, sighed, stood up and tried to flatten his hair with a hand. It didn't work. Rei tutted and smoothed it down for him. He frowned, somehow it worked when she did it. Must be something to do with static electricity Mayuri thought, ever the scientist.

He headed for the door, Rei coughed behind him. He turned.

'Um, Mayuri, are you going out like that?' Rei asked, gesturing with a hand and Mayuri looked down. He saw that he wasn't really dressed for the occasion, heck, not even dressed at all and quickly pulled on some clothes off the floor.

Nemu stared at Mayuri impassively when he stepped outside. He instantly felt uncomfortable and felt the need to fiddle with something. He rubbed his head causing his hair to stick up on end.

Nemu tried unsuccessfully to try and pat it down.

'What do you want?' Mayuri asked after they had struggled with his hair for a few minutes. It still looked rather wild.

'The fourth task has been crossed off the scroll,' Nemu said flatly.

'I should hope so,' Mayuri muttered, he knew himself what had been done. The morning's clarity seemed to be wearing off and Mayuri started thinking about the tasks again.

'There's only one left now,' Nemu said. They both knew what it was. 'Apologise for everything'. Mayuri thought this was a bit vague but nevertheless, it had to be done. His mind centred on the task and any thoughts of the previous night were banished from his mind. This was work mode Mayuri and he meant business.

'Right, Nemu make a list,' he began and Nemu whipped out a clipboard and a pen from under her skirt. Mayuri didn't even bat an eyelid, 'I need a stand, microphone, confetti, and lots of post-it-notes.'

Mayuri marched off in the direction of the twelfth squad barracks. He paused when he saw that Nemu was not following.

'Hey, Nemu we don't have much time, I want these tasks over and done with, there is no time for dilly dallying!'

Nemu pointed at Rei's door, 'Do you not want to tell Rei-san first?'

Mayuri froze, he had forgotten about Rei. This was bad, he didn't know what had come over him. He had gotten so wrapped up in finishing the last task he had forgotten about Rei. Mayuri was stunned, a few minutes ago he was thinking that he didn't even care about the tasks.

He and Nemu went inside. Rei looked up she didn't need to be told that he was leaving. Mayuri was just about to speak when she held up her hand.

'You're going, right?'

Mayuri nodded, 'Yes, but, umm, I'll be back as soon as I'm done with this task business.'

He finished dressing and made an half hearted attempt to sort out his hair. Rei sighed and patted it down for him. Mayuri noted that she seemed to be the only one who could do that.

Rei rubbed an arm, 'How is that going for you? The tasks I mean.'

Mayuri looked up, 'Uh, they're fine, actually, great, I mean thanks to you things are gonna be a lot easier. I mean if I didn't know you I would be screwed right now, they would have never been done. What I mean to say is that you've helped me a great deal in finishing these tasks.'

Mayuri was trying to thank her his words couldn't have been put more wrongly.

Rei flinched.

'Are you ok?' Mayuri asked, looking at her.

Rei nodded as sadness filled her. Mayuri kissed her forehead hesitantly and left with Nemu.

--

Rei slumped into an armchair. Is that how Mayuri really saw her? A means to end the tasks?

It occurred to Rei that she hadn't told Mayuri of her feelings and for that matter nor had he. They had just sort of…gotten on with things without talking much about it.

It could be one of Mayuri's strange moods, he did change his mind often. But then again there was that possibility, a chance that he didn't love her and had only used her to finish the tasks. Rei didn't want to think about that. She didn't think she could handle it because Rei was in love and it hurt to think that Mayuri wasn't.

--

Shunsui wanted to throw something when he heard the recording.

The tape ended and Nemu put down the recorder.

'He actually said that?' he asked incredulously.

Nemu nodded silently.

'Of all the things he could have said,' Shunsui mumbled. This was not good. Rei wouldn't take this too well. As a matter of fact, no woman would take those sorts of words well. Shunsui guessed that Mayuri didn't mean anything of it and was genuinely thanking her. But that definitely wasn't the way to do it.

''_I mean if I didn't know you I would be screwed right now', _oh brother,' Shunsui added, how could anyone not take that the wrong way?

He was going to have to talk to Rei soon and sort this mess out. Shunsui smiled dryly when he remembered that the last task was to apologise.

'How apt,' he thought to himself.

--

Unbeknownst to Shunsui, Rei had already made her mind up to go and see Mayuri. She needed to talk to him, just to make sure. Then he could continue and be his silly self. She just needed to know that Mayuri loved her truly.

--

Mayuri was excited, he hadn't felt like this in a long time…well there was last night, but that was different…now he was in his element. Planning this last task was all that was on his mind.

Mayuri cackled. He hadn't done that in a long time.

There was a cluster of technicians around him, each with a clipboard and something to say.

From what he could tell, Mayuri was pretty sure everything was nearly ready.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder. Rei looked him squarely in the face.

'I would like a word,' she said sternly. Mayuri wasn't in the mood to be interrupted.

'Umm, I'm kind of busy here, maybe later,' he brushed her off. Rei frowned and dragged him by the sleeve till they were out of earshot.

Rei looked Mayuri in the face. 'There's something I have to tell you.'

Mayuri looked at her, tapping his foot impatiently, 'What is it?'

'I love you.'

Mayuri turned pale and his eyes glazed over.

He choked.

This was not the reaction Rei was hoping for.

Sure, in theory, Mayuri had said that he loved Rei. He still wasn't entirely sure what that meant. At first he was just humouring the idea, saying it to Shunsui was one thing but when it actually came to the crunch Mayuri was at loss.

He didn't get to say anything because the two were interrupted by a technician, 'Uh, Mayuri-sama where would you like the stand?'

Another technician stepped between them , 'What colour post-it-notes do you want?'

There was a sudden wave of white as a crowd of lab coated technicians stormed over with their endless questions. Mayuri was swept away and Rei was left feeling a little lost.

'Oh,' she thought, 'that didn't go too well.'

--

Matsumoto wasn't sure what she was doing in the twelfth squad barracks.

A sudden twinge in her bladder told Matsumoto that she needed the toilet urgently. Ah, yes, that's why she was here, Mayuri's personal bathroom was a lot nicer than her captain's. She wondered why that was. Probably because Toshiro didn't care if he didn't have a television/games computer right next to the toilet.

Mayuri cared about these things.

Matsumoto was just about to enter when she saw a bowed figure hurrying away.

Curiosity got the better of her and she followed. Her bladder could wait, plus Matsumoto was pretty sure that the person was Mayuri's one true love, Rei.

'Rei-san?'

The figure stopped and turned, 'Oh, fukutaichou, what's the matter?' Rei quickly tried to wipe tears from her face but failed miserably.

Matsumoto smiled inside, this was going some story to tell at the twice weekly tenth squad drink-a-thon.

'The question is: What's the matter with you?' Matsumoto asked. Rei didn't know Matsumoto that well, only that she was probably the largest chested woman in the Soul Society, but you could tell that from just looking. Rei wasn't that inclined to tell her anything, but then again, who else could she tell? She sighed and summarised the past day for the lieutenant.

At the end, Matsumoto clucked like a mother hen and gathered Rei in a tight bear hug.

Rei couldn't quite breath properly because of this but she didn't want to seem rude and kept quiet.

For a while anyway.

'Uh, Matsumoto-san?' Rei said, her voice distinctly muffled.

'Hmm?'

'I can't breathe.'

'Oh sorry.' Matsumoto let go and noticed that the other woman's face was a lot redder than before, from embarrassment or lack of air she couldn't tell.

Rei pointed at the door next to them, 'I think I'll go freshen up.' She stepped into Mayuri's bathroom but what she didn't count on was Matsumoto following.

'I'll give you some company,' Matsumoto said and then paused, 'After I've used the toilet.' She went into the adjoining room which contained the toilet/computer ensemble.

Rei splashed her face with cold water. She couldn't believe this. Here she was in a bathroom having a heart to heart with another girl over some guy issues. It sounded like high school all over again.

With the flush of a toilet and the Windows shut down tune, Matsumoto joined Rei at the sink.

'Did I just hear a computer shut down?' Rei asked, staring at the open doorway to the toilet. Matsumoto nodded.

'Yup, Mayuri has a state of the art computer in there, I was playing solitaire. It's hidden behind that panel,' she explained, pointing at a metal plate next to the toilet paper.

Rei frowned, 'I thought that was a compartment for keeping cleaning supplies,' she said thoughtfully. Matsumoto raised an eyebrow.

'You've been in here before? I'm impressed. Mayuri must surely love you if he let you use this bathroom. He doesn't even let Nemu use it.'

Rei smiled weakly, 'That made me feel only slightly better.'

Matsumoto sighed, if this woman was expecting a straight love confession from Mayuri than she clearly didn't understand him.

'It's not like I'm expecting a straight love confession from him, I know what he's like,' Rei continued staring at a mirror. Matsumoto patted her on the shoulder.

'He's crazy,' Matsumoto said plainly.

'I like that about him,' Rei replied. Matsumoto laughed.

'You like a man who's crazy enough to cut his arm off in front of a class of children to cheer them up?'

Rei only smiled when she remembered that. They did have some good times together.

Matsumoto got the feeling she was losing Rei and resorted to drastic measures.

She poked her arm.

But all she got in return was a far off sounding sigh. Oh dear, Matsumoto thought, there's only one thing that was going to sort this out.

Matsumoto shook Rei by the shoulders till her hair was suitably messy.

'Matsumoto-san, what are you doing?'

Matsumoto put on her serious face, 'I can see that you're so far along in your grief for Mayuri that there is only one thing that can save you…sake!' And with that Matsumoto produced a bottle of sake from her bosom.

Rei stared, 'Did you just take a bottle of sake out from your….'

'Yes,' Matsumoto said as if this was normal, 'there's actually quite a lot of space inside, see?'

Rei quickly turned away as Matsumoto demonstrated. The lieutenant found two cups and set them down on the edge of the sink.

'Are you sure you can use those cups?' Rei asked.

'Why not?' Matsumoto said, already pouring the drink out.

'Well they were holding toothbrushes.'

Matsumoto frowned for a moment, 'He needed two cups for his toothbrushes…how many does one man need?'

Rei smiled at this, 'Mayuri has a toothbrush for every day.'

Matsumoto stared at her and downed her glass in one go.

Rei was pretty sure Matsumoto didn't care about her problems and just wanted an excuse to drink. On the other hand she could use a stiff drink to loosen her nerves.

She hesitantly took a sip.

--

Mayuri was getting things done.

About the last task that is.

Mayuri couldn't bring himself to bow on his hands and knees, he wasn't that serious a person. It just wasn't his style. And so he had come up with something better.

'Post-it-notes,' Mayuri began, addressing the assembled captains, 'I am going to write out personalised apology notes to everyone I have wronged. They'll start appearing over the next hours so if you see something from me please don't throw it away. Personally, I think that me writing every apology out is more…heartfelt.' Mayuri didn't say that word often, it felt strange in his mouth but Nemu said it would work, 'Are there any questions?'

Shunsui raised his hand, 'Can I have a blue post-it-note?'

Mayuri looked at him, deadpan, 'I don't think I'm apologising to you.'

Shunsui scowled back and then remembered something else, 'Uh, Mayuri I need a word.'

Mayuri let the other captains go and looked at Shunsui, 'What do you want?'

'We need to talk about Rei.' Mayuri didn't like where this was going.

'What do you mean?'

'You need to find her and tell her you love her,' Shunsui said flatly, 'If you don't, things are gonna get bad and not even a master like me could help you.'

Mayuri didn't like the sound of this, 'How bad are we talking?'

The look on Shunsui's face told Mayuri that it worse than he could imagine.

'I need to talk to Rei,' Mayuri said quietly.

'Yes you do,' Shunsui agreed.

'But first, I have to finish these apology notes,' Mayuri said, procrastinating all the way, 'And maybe I'll have lunch and take a shower…'

Shunsui shook his head in dismay, 'Fine, Mayuri, do what you want, but you'll end up paying for it.'

With that he left.

Mayuri tapped his chin, he could write apologies or talk to Rei. Right now neither of them seemed appealing. He decided to go with the apologies first even though he wasn't sure how he was going to write the first one. Hopefully the Rei thing would sort itself out.

Somehow he didn't think it would be that easy.

--

On his way out, Shunsui thought he heard giggling coming from Mayuri's personal bathroom. He knew it was this room because he often used it. Mayuri's bathroom was probably the best in the Soul Society. Not even Byakuya's was this good.

He knocked on the door and entered. He was surprised it wasn't locked and he definitely wasn't expecting what he saw inside.

Both Matsumoto and Rei were lying on the floor, very drunk. They were laughing continually. The laughter would die down then someone would snort and the giggling started all over again. Shunsui was pondering whether to watch or actually say something.

'Hey, ladies, mind if I join you?'

They looked up, it took time for their gazes to focus, 'Oh, taichou,' Matsumoto said, shaking the sake bottle, there was still some left, 'of course you can!'

Rei wiped her nose with a tissue, her nose wasn't even running, she had stopped crying a long time ago. Two or three sake bottles ago she thought dimly.

'Now, my dear, Rei-san,' Shunsui began, 'What reason is there for you to turn to drink, what if Mayuri saw this?'

Rei's eyes watered, and she burst out into a fresh wave of tears. Matsumoto shook her head, 'You shouldn't mention Mayuri.'

'Well done, Matsumoto,' Shunsui remarked, when Rei's sobbing became even louder. Matsumoto let out an exasperated sigh.

'She's a lightweight,' she explained, 'she was already doing the YMCA after the first glass.'

Rei held up her cup and Matsumoto filled it.

Shunsui raised an eyebrow and looked at the tearful fourth squad member. 'Poor thing, she didn't choose to fall in love with May- I mean the captain of the twelfth squad. He's not the easiest guy to get along with.'

Rei decided to speak up at that moment, 'Do you know why there are more colour blind men than women? It's because the gene defect for colour blindness is in the x chromosome and women have two x chromosomes. So if there is a defect the other x can compensate for it but men have an x and a y chromosome so they don't have anything to back it up. I mean, what's up with that?'

Matsumoto sighed again, 'See what I mean? She's completely off her rocking chair.'

Shunsui put a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. In hindsight he shouldn't have done this.

Rei was so drunk that the act of having a hand on her shoulder made her lose balance and she pitched forward.

Shunsui who was no expecting this watched bemused as Rei's head fell with a thud into the sink.

Rei was still.

'Is she dead?' Matsumoto asked, gathering the sake bottles so there wouldn't be any evidence.

Shunsui lifted her head from the sink bowl, 'Amazingly, she looks unhurt but she does seem to be unconscious.'

Matsumoto gave a sigh in relief, 'That's good then, let's get her to Unohana.'

Shunsui agreed and carried the teacher to the doorway where he paused.

'What's the hold up?' Matsumoto asked not wanting to be caught by Mayuri.

Shunsui turned to her and smile creeping across his face, 'I have an idea.'

Matsumoto, caught the captain's trail of thought and smiled conspiratorially, 'I think I know what it is.'

Shunsui told her and Matsumoto frowned, 'I thought you were going to say 'let's dump her body and continue drinking' but your idea is better.'

And with that they started to plan.

--

Mayuri crumpled the post-it he was writing on and swore. He didn't know it was going to be this hard to write a simple apology and it was only the first one. Mayuri eyed the first name on the list and sighed. This one was more of a formality and the actual event was ages ago. Surely everyone had forgotten about it, he certainly had.

In the end he decided to make it direct and to the point.

He hoped it didn't sound too insincere.

--

Ishida wasn't sure how it got there but when he opened his fridge he found a bright pink post-it-note stuck on an aubergine.

He peeled it off and stared at the simple message.

_-I'm sorry I tried to kill and experiment on you.- _

Ishida stared.

He had an inkling of a feeling of who had sent it but he wondered why. Then he remembered the tasks and smiled to himself. He remembered the day clearly. It was the only day when Ishida felt he had done anything of any value.

Little did he know, it had taken Mayuri twenty drafts and a proof reader to create this tiny note.

A lot of effort was put into it and even though he knew it wouldn't be heard, Ishida said it anyway.

'Apology accepted.'

--

Mayuri looked at the message chute, wondering if Ishida had got it. He didn't care to be honest, that good for nothing Quincy had come this close to killing him. Not that Mayuri was ever going to admit it. No way, he had made a _tactical retreat._ Yes, that's what they called it these days.

Mayuri rubbed his eyes and looked at the next name.

This was going to be slightly easier.

--

Byakuya frowned.

He had been napping peacefully at home. All was quiet and calm and then suddenly he felt it. Something had been stuck on his forehead.

His eyes opened slowly, reaching out he took the message and read it.

_-I want to apologise first and foremost for the phone call this morning, I was in a hurry and in my haste I actually put your number in. I am very sorry. I know you didn't want to hear about my situation. I want you to know that I am also sorry for that time I said 'I love you' in the corridor, it wasn't right of me I know._

_I would also like to apologise for any grievance or worry I have caused you. I don't know what it might be but knowing me I probably have done something._

_Furthermore I would like apologise for that time I came into your office and stole the stapler, I swear I returned it and only used five staples. Honest._

_Incidentally, I don't know if this warrants an apology but I want to say sorry for coming into your office as if I knew what I was on about and gave you advice about Rukia and Ichigo. It was part of the tasks, so forgive me if I was just talking rubbish and if my clones got in the way I am even more sorry._

_Yeah, I think that's it.-_

Byakuya squinted, the writing was quite small. He put the note down, wondering what that crazy scientist was thinking. Mayuri didn't have to apologise for anything, maybe for the phone call but not anything else.

It seemed like an age ago that he was pondering what to do about Rukia, and at any rate Byakuya was glad that he followed Mayuri's advice. Things had turned out well.

And if that wasn't enough, Mayuri had brought back Hisana, this was something he definitely didn't have to apologise for.

Byakuya looked out into the garden and got out his writing brush.

--

The general was in a good mood, his dose of pills had increased and he hadn't felt worried in a long, long time. Such was his happiness that he wondered why he hadn't been taking pills when he had made all those bad decisions.

His lieutenant had informed him that he was being considered for the worst decision maker in the whole of the Soul Society.

He had made Gin, Aizen and Tousen captains. He had made that no-brainer Amagai a captain too but for some reason he didn't remember much else about that man.

Yamamoto was quite surprised when he saw the post-it-note on his pill bottle.

-_General, I would like to apologise for causing you much hassle and grief. I have never really known you that well, only that I know you passed the order for me to be locked up when I was a young person. I forgive you for that if you wanted to know. When you ordered me to do these tasks I was angry and annoyed but I got over that and actually enjoyed myself a little. I know you won't be able to understand much in your drug induced stupor but I just want you to know that I have become a better person. I think. I'm sorry.-_

The generally needed his reading glasses to make any sense of the note and even then he didn't even know what was going on. He had to have his lieutenant read it out to him.

--

Mayuri looked disgusted, that last one to the general sounded like a suicide note.

But he had said 'apologise' and 'sorry' which would do for now.

There was a knock on the door and a messenger entered. He silently handed over a note and left.

Mayuri inspected the heavy parchment, looking at this quality someone pretty loaded would have had to have sent it. He wondered who.

-_Mayuri_. _You do not have to apologise for the advice you gave regarding my sister and that youth, Kurosaki Ichigo. Nor do you have to apologise for speaking out of turn or causing me grievances because you haven't done anything._

_In actual fact, I believe thanks are in order, you brought my wife back and for this I can give nothing but my thanks._

_The only thing which I will accept an apology for is the phone call this morning. Do not do this again.-_

Mayuri was close to tears, theoretically. Mayuri didn't cry. No one had ever sent him a thank you note. No one ever had any reason to. Mayuri couldn't quite explain the feeling but he tucked the note into his pocket for safe keeping.

Rolling up his sleeves Mayuri moved onto the next names. He was getting into this now and worked with renewed fervour.

--

Kira was filing some paperwork when his note arrived. Kira was quite alarmed when saw it and flinched so violently when it appeared on his nose that he got a large paper cut on his thumb.

He lifted the note carefully, sucked his thumb and read.

-_I want to apologise Kira for being a bad teacher, I should have been more supportive and definitely more interested in your learning. My misguided efforts made you cut your ear off. I am sorry for that but you know, you have to be willing to learn to. So stop sucking your thumb and get yourself in school right now mister!_

Kira instantly took his thumb out of his mouth.

'_As I was saying, I want to say sorry for not helping you as much as I should have. I should have stopped the children from giving you alcohol. I should have gotten you out of there before you said those things to that small blonde girl. I should not have left you in the marshmallow factory overnight. The list could go on but I am hoping you get the idea. Somehow I think this isn't the case but it doesn't matter. All you have to know Kira is that I'm sorry.-_

Kira wept silently.

--

Nanao was surprised when a yellow note found its way onto her desk, she thought it was for her captain but then realised it was addressed to her.

'_You're probably thinking that this was for Shunsui, his name is on the list, but first I wanted to say sorry if I ever took too much of his time and made your paperwork difficult because of this. Also I wanted to say that I am especially sorry if I put him in that silly mood he gets in, y'know the one, where he just can't stop thinking about….yeah…like I said you get the point._

Nanao nodded in agreement, yes, she knew that mood. Very well_. _

'_And so I wanted to apologise for the times I kept him at my office where we got shamelessly drunk and talked about rubbish including the interesting story about Byakuya's marble bathtub. You have to ask him about that one. It's a real cracker of a story. Actually. Don't. I don't think you'll like it._

_But hopefully you get what I mean. I also wanted to say sorry about bothering Shunsui with my problems, like this morning. I failed to realise that this also effects you.-_

Nanao thought this was quite nice of Mayuri and filed it away to its proper place.

--

Toshiro was annoyed. He had sent five hell butterflies after Matsumoto and not one of them had come back.

His office was a tip. He didn't mind if Matsumoto's half of the room was messy but now the rubbish had migrated to his side of the room and Toshiro didn't like it.

He was just about to go look for her himself when a post-it-note appeared on the telephone. He picked it up gingerly.

-_Toshiro, there I many things I have to apologise for. The main thing being, I am very sorry for giving you that pill with the strange side effects. I had good intentions believe me. I really didn't know it was going to turn out like that. Ok, maybe I knew something was going to happen but not that bad. You have to admit though, the size was impressive. I also wanted to apologise when I gave you that massage, you didn't ask to be given a massage like that and you could have gone anywhere else. I haven't told anyone though._

_Actually come to think of it, I can't think of anything else to apologise for but whatever it was, I'm sorry.-_

Toshiro stared at the note. It wasn't quite what he expected and it did bring up bad memories. He looked at his hakama pants and shuddered. Bad memories but he had got a good dance with Momo. Also, he had to admit, the captain of the twelfth squad did give good massages.

--

Zaraki and Renji got similar notes each expressing the writer's sincerest apologies about turning them into women.

Renji wasn't to bothered but for Zaraki it was quite a different story.

This was possibly the only memory that gave Zaraki nightmares.

--

Mayuri stretched his arms and ticked names off the list. He was making good progress, in fact he only had two more main notes to do. Then he would have to deal with the Rei issue, funnily enough though he hadn't heard from Rei in a while.

Maybe she was avoiding him. Mayuri hoped not.

--

Nemu was busy staring out her window when a post-it-appeared, she wouldn't have noticed but it landed in her direct path of sight.

At first she was going to throw it away as it was disrupting her staring, but then she saw it was for her and she read.

-_Nemu, I don't know if this will mean much to you but I am sorry for being a lousy father. It seems that in the past I got worked up too quickly over the small things and took out my anger on you. I now know that this was wrong of me. Please accept my deepest apologies. I don't know how to explain myself except that now I aim to be the best father I can. I feel…bad about how I treated you before and I think you have become more productive without me sending you for repairs because of my shortcomings. Do you remember when we went grave digging for Hisana's grave? That was creepy and uh don't mention it to anyone. I promise as soon as this over we can watch Dumbo again, like we used to.-_

Nemu didn't know what to do. She had never had something like this before. And because she didn't know what to do with it she framed the small piece of paper and put it above the window.

Now she had something new to stare at for a while.

--

The last note, even thought the recipient wasn't there to read it, took the most thinking about.

Mayuri wasn't sure how it sounded but he hoped it came out right. He didn't want the person to think him soft or anything.

_-Shunsui, we have shared some pretty hectic moments. Usually because I have a problem and I call you to help me fix it. I turned you into a woman too and that was wrong of me. You didn't asked to be bothered but I did it anyway and I wonder now if this was the right thing to do. Having got this far in the tasks, I feel different. I don't know how to explain it but things are going to be different from now on. I want to apologise for putting all my troubles on you and making you teach me all this stuff. But believe me when I say I could not have done these tasks without you. From bungee jumping, love advice, tuti fruit ice cream and late night drinking- you have always been there. You didn't have to be but you were. And I think from these experiences. I trust you enough to call you my friend. I hope you think so too. If you don't then damn, because I don't think I have any other friends.-_

It sounded like he was in love with the guy or something. Mayuri sighed, he didn't care. The only thing that mattered was that Shunsui forgave him and in the grand scheme of things, everyone did.

He was just about to send it down the chute when Matsumoto burst into the room with Shunsui who was holding something in his arms.

Shunsui lay this thing on the table and Mayuri eyes bugged out.

'Oh my god! Is that Rei? What happened is she dead?' he cried out shaking the woman's shoulders. Oh my gosh, Mayuri thought, she wasn't avoiding me at all. She was dead!

'Did he even check if she was breathing?' Matsumoto whispered to Shunsui.

'Nope.'

'Should we tell him she's not dead.'

Shunsui smiled, 'Let's see how this plays out.'

He intervened before Mayuri could do any real damage.

'I think something happened,' Shunsui said vaguely, 'apparently she got heart sick.'

Mayuri turned even more pale, 'Oh my gosh! She had a heart attack!' Mayuri took a defibrillator from his under his desk and Shunsui wanted to slap him.

'Not a heart attack you idiot! She's emotionally hurt! The very idea of you not loving her has made her ill!'

Mayuri was so worried for Rei that he didn't actually think about the flaws of the situation, namely, shouldn't they have taken her to Unohana first?

'OMG!'

'OMG, indeed,' Shunsui muttered.

Mayuri grabbed Shunsui by the front of his haori, 'Is it serious? Is she gonna die?'

Shunsui took Mayuri's hands, 'Maybe.'

Mayuri was taken over by another frenzy, and with renewed strength shook Shunsui's shoulders.

'She can't die! I love her. How can she die when I love her?'

Shunsui looked Mayuri in the eye, 'Don't tell me that, Mayuri. You have to tell her.'

Mayuri stared at Rei's prone body. Just this morning, that woman on the table told you that she loves you, he thought. The very idea that she might not hear him say it was tormenting Mayuri.

He did love her.

He realised now that he didn't have to understand what that meant but at least he knew it and that would have to be good enough.

He took Rei by the shoulders again. 'Hey, Rei, if you can hear me. I just wanted to say that I-I love you. I mean, you're the only one who can pat my hair down without a comb, it's amazing. Not that I love you just because of that. I love because…uh…I don't actually know why, but I do. Definitely. So please stop being sick. Wake up.'

Matsumoto was moved, Shunsui smiled.

Mayuri felt physically exhausted. He didn't even know what he was saying, it just sort of tumbled out.

'Maybe you should take her to Unohana,' Shunsui said quietly. Mayuri gasped, slapping his forehead as he did so.

'Oh my gosh! Why didn't I do that before? What has gotten into me?' And with that Mayuri picked Rei up in a fireman's lift. Shunsui groaned wondering where Mayuri got his energy from. One minute the scene was romantic and rather cute, now it had turned to a crazy Mayuri scene.

'She's not a sack of rice, Mayuri. Carry her differently,' Shunsui advised. Mayuri who had a one track mind had to pause and process what Shunsui had just said. He quickly changed their positions without thinking so now he was carrying her bridal style.

'Much better,' Matsumoto commented but Mayuri wasn't listening. He was on a mission.

'Gah, I need to hurry, she needs urgent medical attention. I don't have any time to waste!' And with that Mayuri rushed out of the room.

'That's not how I was expecting things to go,' Matsumoto muttered, 'Everything he does seems to go against logic.'

She followed wearily.

'That's Mayuri for you,' Shunsui said after her.

He leant on Mayuri's table and sighed. Today was going to be alright. It seemed to him that things were coming to an end. Mayuri's love quest was nearly complete, the tasks were done. There was almost nothing left. Shunsui scratched his chin and looked around. He couldn't remember the last time he had such fun. He felt himself thinking that he didn't want things to end.

Shunsui wondered if Mayuri had noticed how much he had changed. Probably not.

He was just about to leave when he saw a blue post-it-note on the desk. He picked it up and read. A small smile crept across his face.

Maybe Mayuri did know after all.

--

Mayuri frowned when he heard what Unohana was telling him.

'You mean she's not dying.'

Unohana shook her head, 'Whatever made you think that?'

Mayuri had a mind to go hunt Shunsui down but he collected himself, 'When will she wake up?'

'Judging by how much she's drunk, I'd say she'll wake up in the evening.'

Mayuri turned around and saw that Matsumoto wasn't behind him. He could have sworn that she had been there a second ago.

'Did Matsumoto-?'

Unohana nodded, 'She left soon after we arrived.'

Mayuri was angry. He had been tricked. Fooled. He knew that it had been for a good purpose but still it annoyed him. His friend Shunsui had taken advantage of his silly nature.

Shunsui appeared with a bunch of grapes and from the look on Mayuri's face, he knew that Mayuri had found out their plan.

'Hey! Why did you trick me?'

Shunsui held the grapes up in defence, 'Calm down, May-kun, if you hadn't realised this little stunt saved your relationship.'

Mayuri simmered down, 'I would have told her myself,' he mumbled.

'I doubt that very much,' Shunsui argued. Mayuri kicked at the floor and looked at Rei who was sleeping peacefully in bed.

Shunsui patted Mayuri on the shoulder, 'It's alright, you don't have to thank me. I see it as my life's duty that you get the woman you love. I am your friend after all.'

Mayuri threw himself into the visitor's chair, 'I'm such a fool. I couldn't even tell one woman that I loved her. What use am I?'

Shunsui not seeing any bowls for the grapes, decided to eat them himself.

'What could I do to make it up to her?' Mayuri thought out loud. Shunsui threw a small pad of paper and an ink brush him.

'I think she deserves a post-it-note. Don't you?'

--

When Rei woke up, she instantly felt like having a good vomit. After this feeling passed, she lifted herself gently from the bed and found herself in a recovery room for the fourth barracks.

Massaging her temples, she stumbled around, looking for some water. Her head was throbbing, she knew she shouldn't have drunk that much but she did it anyway. Rei cursed silently, when she tipped the water jug over.

Her memory of what had happened was hazy and all she could remember seeing was Mayuri's sink. She wondered why.

And then she caught sight of the square note paper that was attached to the jug.

Rei picked it up and frowned.

_-7.30pm, 12__th__ squad courtyard-_

She recognised Mayuri's handwriting. What could he want now? As if she wasn't already confused enough.

She sighed and looked at the clock. Half an hour to go.

Rei set out to find Unohana.

--

Mayuri directed the workmen impatiently. It was nearly half seven. He hoped Rei would come.

He had only left her bedside because a technician had burst into the room, saying that the scroll was acting strange.

In actual fact, the last task had been completed and the scroll was self destructing. It didn't have to be so explosive, Mayuri thought annoyed. When it had burst into flame, his best handkerchief collection had been caught in the explosion.

He liked those handkerchiefs.

Things were beginning to take shape. A stand had been erected in the middle of the courtyard and a series of seats had been set up.

Mayuri ordered the flood lights to be turned on as the sun dipped. He was planning to have a speech here. This would signify the end of the tasks and his emergence as a new, changed man.

But, he thought to himself, it would mean nothing if Rei didn't come.

That was the only thing that mattered to Mayuri.

--

Soon guests were arriving.

The general arrived first. Mayuri frowned, was it him or did his boss look a little more…senile. It must have been something to do with the fact that the general was using a Zimmer-frame.

A little while later Byakuya turned up and when he saw Mayuri, inclined his head as a way of greeting. Mayuri was quite chuffed, a nod of the head was more than what he usually got.

Renji followed with Kira in tow. The young man perked up instantly when he saw Mayuri and hurried over.

'Mayuri-taichou, I read your note. It made me cry,' Kira said happily.

Mayuri wondered why someone would feel happy about this. 'That's great, did you learn anything from it?'

Kira nodded eagerly, 'I learnt that I should go to school because then I will be a clever person.'

Mayuri sighed. This was something at least. Looking at Kira's enthusiastic face made Mayuri think of a puppy. And while Mayuri was the sort of person who worked alone, having a pet seemed like quite a fun prospect. But this wasn't an ordinary puppy. It was Kira. Mayuri was pretty sure Kira was house trained but the idea of teaching him everything seemed like too much effort.

Someone else could have the burden of teaching this hapless young…Mayuri was tempted to say man but it didn't fit…he decided on 'thing' instead.

'I invited your children, I hope you don't mind,' Kira continued.

Mayuri froze. 'My what?'

'Y'know, those kids you taught. You adopted them, didn't you?'

Mayuri slapped a hand to his forehead. He had forgotten about that. He had promised to be their father. Mayuri now knew this hadn't been a good idea.

'How did you keep in contact with them, anyway?' Mayuri asked. Kira's cheeks turned pink and he looked at the floor.

'Well, I still talk to some of them,' he mumbled. From Kira's reaction to the question Mayuri had the feeling that the boy was talking about girls.

'Kira, were you actually talking to girls?'

Kira nodded.

'Not that…blonde one, which you…?'

Kira nodded.

'I thought I told you to stay away from her!' Mayuri said angrily but Kira looked at him.

'I know but well I had to say sorry. She was quite nice about it and she became my friend,' he explained.

Mayuri couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. The girl who had been subjected to the worst pick up lines ever was still willing to be Kira's friend.

The world worked in mysterious ways, Mayuri thought. He caught sight of a line of children filing into the courtyard.

Here they come, he thought miserably. When they saw him they all waved. Mayuri gave a weak smile in response. Kira caught this.

'You don't look too happy to see them.'

Mayuri turned to him, 'It's not that…it's just that I don't know what to do with them. I don't know about parenting. Luckily they are still in school so I don't see them much. And I don't approve of your relationship with the blonde girl. Since, I'm her father my opinion counts.'

Kira looked scared, 'I didn't mean anything by it! We are just friends. I swear. Don't hurt me.'

Mayuri slapped the side of Kira's head lightly, 'Stop being such a coward. I was only joking. Now go sit down and remember, I'm watching you.'

Mayuri smiled as Kira rushed away. He did enjoy the occasional scare. As for those children, he hadn't a clue what to do.

Captains, lieutenants and shinigami of all seats assembled. The speech would start soon. Mayuri tapped a foot nervously.

Rei still hadn't shown up.

--

Rei was in fact coming.

She had only just got permission from Unohana to leave. Time was running out.

She hurried as quickly as she could, hoping that Mayuri would still be there even if she was late.

Luckily for her, he was and as she turned the corner she saw him and called his name.

He turned, and for a split second surprise flashed across his face. But then it was over and he was running over to her.

They met in the middle of the courtyard. Mayuri looked at her.

'I didn't think you were coming,' he said softly.

'How could I not?' she replied, 'I love you.'

Mayuri still hadn't gotten used to this but at least he didn't freeze up like last time. He seemed to be about to say something when he stopped himself.

Instead he hugged her, holding Rei to his chest. Rei was surprised but didn't seem to mind and put her arms around him.

Mayuri began to speak ' I was going to apologise on the note but then I realised there was too much to say and to be honest it would be better said in person. I shouldn't have said those things this morning. I should have thought about how it would sound to you. I'm sorry for that. Even worse, when you were brave enough to tell me you feelings I was not. And I could make tons of excuses, like my technicians were asses for butting in like that and they were, but that doesn't make it right. I was a coward. I even wrote all those other apology notes when yours should have been first. I screwed up big time. I just want you to know I'm sorry.'

Rei's eyes were closed. She took the words in savouring each one. 'You don't have to apologise, I should have expected something like this from you.'

Mayuri felt her head under his chin, 'You forgive me? After everything I did?'

'Not all of it was your fault. Your technicians were just really rude. I did kind of put you on the spot.'

Mayuri frowned, this coming from the woman whose parents he turned into tea cups. Oh well, he thought, here comes the main bit.

'On top of that, when I saw you, looking dead, I became really scared. Really scared that I had missed my chance to tell you…'

Rei eyelids fluttered open and she leant back so she could she Mayuri properly. 'Tell me what?' she asked quietly.

He looked her in the eyes and she held his gaze. 'I was scared that I wouldn't be able to tell you that I loved you.'

Before Rei could say anything Mayuri kissed her.

--

When the two had run to each other. Shunsui tactfully turned the lights to them and heads turned.

They followed Mayuri's speech, hanging on every word. People sniffed move to tears. Ok, it was actually only Yumichika that was crying but the feeling was there and that's what counted. At least half the female attendees were holding tissues to their noses. Zaraki snored.

Renji didn't want to admit it but the scene was touching. He tried to banish these thoughts on the basis that they weren't manly enough but he couldn't help himself.

Nemu out of nowhere, stood beside the couple and showered them with handfuls of confetti.

Mayuri froze and pulled away from Rei. The two shinigami stared.

The Seireitei stared back.

'Oh,' Mayuri muttered, realising that everyone had just heard what he had just said. He went red with embarrassment and Rei stood timidly beside him.

'I think everyone heard,' Mayuri said.

'I wouldn't mind leaving right about now,' she replied.

'I wouldn't mind either but I have to finish up here,' he said. He blinked when he realised he was covered in confetti. He turned to see Nemu standing expressionless with a paper bag.

'Uh, Nemu, you can stop throwing confetti,' he said. She did so and looked at him.

'Congratulations,' she said quietly.

--

Now standing on the podium with a microphone in front of him, Mayuri was ready to end this crazy task business. It had taken him long enough. Rei had taken a seat in the front row and watched him with a smile and Mayuri felt even more nervous than before.

When he was sure he had everyone's full attention he began.

'When I was given the order to do these tasks, I was pretty annoyed. I didn't want to do them. I believed I hadn't done anything wrong. I was just doing science. But I realise having completed them, that I was wrong. I was actually a monster. I was even prepared to kill my own men to get what I wanted. That's…that's pretty bad. Even when I started out doing the tasks I wasn't that into it. But then along the way, I don't even know when, I started to change. I didn't want to just finish the tasks off in any old way. Some of the tasks were quite vague but I didn't take the easiest or quickest route to complete them. The old me would have done that but not the new one. Also, at some point, I lost the need for that mask. I don't think I'll ever wear it again. Finally, at the beginning of this journey, I had nothing, but now at the end, I can see that I have gained so much more. I now have thirty-four children-,'

At the mention on their class, the children stood up, led by little Yuji and they cheered, clapping their hands as they did so.

'I also gained friends, whom I definitely could not have done this without. They taught me about many things, namely bungee jumping, sympathy, compassion and…love-,'

'And how to cook,' someone who suspiciously sounded like Ikkaku shouted.

'uh, yes and how to cook. And most of all, I fell in love and I think this has made me a much better person. If you don't agree then you can go-uh, yes, wait, everyone can have their own opinion. Think what you want to. I won't get angry. I think that's it really. I have changed for the good. I am a better Mayuri. I don't know everything but now I do know the difference between right and wrong. Mostly.'

With that Mayuri drew his speech to an end. He pressed a button on the microphone and there was a sudden boom as a barrage of fireworks was let off. Music started up.

This day had been full of speeches. Mayuri just wanted to go home with Rei. He was still his silly self and he would readily cut off a limb to cheer children up but now he had toned down the evil scientist inside him. He just hoped it was permanent.

The audience applauded. Mayuri wasn't expecting this. Some even cheered. He stepped down of the stand and the crowd enveloped him. Someone patted his shoulder, others congratulated him. No one talked about his old self. It seemed like everyone had forgotten about that.

Mayuri wondered why they had just accepted him without questioning this sudden change.

Then he realised it was because they actually trusted him.

Mayuri would be crying if he hadn't surgically removed his tear ducts, he vaguely remembered that he had yet to tell Rei about that. But it didn't matter, that could wait.

He had done it!

All twelve tasks. Done. Finished. He remembered the craziness that he had gone through to reach this moment. Mayuri smiled. It was definitely worth it.

Through the mass of people he saw Shunsui who grinned at him. He fought his way over.

'Do you really believe it, Mayuri, that you've changed?' Shunsui asked.

Mayuri didn't even have to think about this one, 'Yes, I do.'

'What do you make of this?' Mayuri asked. Gesturing at the crowd. People were laughing, dancing, singing. Some stared at the fireworks, others brought out drinks. The twelfth squad barracks had become a party arena.

Shunsui shouted in reply but he didn't think Mayuri heard.

He repeated it again, quieter, to himself.

'A fitting end to a very strange story.'

* * *

**…**

**I don't know what to say, we're here. It's done and dusted. Mayuri completed the tasks and fell in love and did all that stuff. This was a very long chapter by my standards…but ih ope you got through it all right…**

**Reveiw so I know what you thought of it!**

**Now for me to say something poignant. **

**If you ever laughed out loud or thought that you really liked something in this story, then I know I did a good job and that's what counts. All I wanted was to entertain you through this story. That was the point of it.**

**Thank you so much for reading and following this story through its ups and downs, it has come a long way since that first shinigami women's meeting and the constantly bad spelling: Zaraki was always Zeraki. It was pretty bad. I still haven't changed it.**

**This is the first story I have ever written and finished. Amazing. At some point it looked like it would never end…just go on and on.**

**I feel quite sad now. Oh dear.**

**I'm going to miss writing about Mayuri's strange deeds and craziness. **

**And now a poem:**

**There was once a man called Mayuri,  
****Who was judged by the grand jury,  
****They told him to become better,  
****But Mayuri wore no sweater,  
****And he caught a terrible cold,  
****So he showed them eyes of gold,  
****And they were amazed,  
****Not one was unfazed,  
****And their rule did sway,  
****So they sent him on his way.**

**It wasn't that good…I just had to find words that rhymed. I'm sure you could all come up with a better one.**

**So this is it. **

**Please leave a review, even if you never did before…it is the last chapter…naw I jest…if you don't want to don't. I am not to bothered about reviews…I'll accept them gladly and gratefully but as long as you enjoyed the story. That's all that matters.**

**Oh yeah, and if you have any ideas for another story, please say so.**

**I might write some more, if I had enough brain power I was going to write a series of stories all to do with the twelve something of something. E.g the twelve tutors of Kira Izuru and the twelve loves of Shunsui Kyoraku…**

**Any ideas would be awesome. That's me then over and out. **

**Thank you all, Rhea Patel aka Glockenspiel**


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